People who make effort to be friends with the exes and then brag about how close they are

Staying close seems to work for the couple you describe. Why would I find it weird and cringy in a friend? In fact their behavior makes it easy for all their entourage and certainly their kid. You seem like a possibly complicated friend to have, OP.

I'm a punch and delete kind of girl. It's served me well

If I ever see an ex relationship like the one the OP describes, I'm going to assume the man is a closet case.

I have a variation on that.

A couple we were close with recently broke up. One half of the couple, call him Ross, has been trying to stay close with his ex. But Ross dumped all the friends he had during the relationship because they remind him of what he’s lost.

Yet the ex somehow doesn’t! (Apparently, he’s repeated this pattern throughout his life.)

Ross has completely ghosted us all for months.

Unless the relationship or marriage ended in horrible terms i find very civilized to be friends with your exes, and the mindset that you shall never talk or meet very immature. That said, being very close and, much worse, bragging about, it is an entirely different thing.

r3 The man I'm talking about didn't have any serious relationship until he was almost 50. He was good looking when young and has a good job, so he's assumed to be a bachelor/popular with women, but we rarely actually saw him dating anymore, except for brief flings here and there.

The younger woman, who he met at almost 50, got pregnant after a few months of dating, so maybe that's why he married her.

r6 I meant anyone not anymore.

No, I don’t think it’s weird and I also don’t see how it’s bragging. Is being close to your ex some sort of achievement that you think is neither genuine nor something that someone should talk about? I may seen a little defensive, but my best friend in the word is my ex of 13 years. We’ve actually been broken up for longer than we were together, but he was and will probably always be someone I love more than anyone else in the world.

We didn’t have an easy break up. As a matter of a fact, I pretty much despised him for the first year after we broke up, but then one day it just clicked. We both knew our relationship had gone from a romantic one to a platonic one over time. We probably stayed together 2 or 3 years longer than we should have and I was really hurt when it ended because I couldn’t see any way to keep this keep this person I loved so deeply in my life. But after almost exactly a full year of hating him and trying everything I could to forget about him, I said “oh this is stupid. You loved him before. The romance is over but he’s still the person you enjoyed spending time with more than anyone else in the entire world and why would you deny yourself that?”

Suddenly, we were back to hanging out almost 3 or 4 times a week, going to dinner and movies, making dinner and staying in and watching movies.

The only reason we still didn’t do that is because I had to move away and leaving him behind was heartbreaking because he is my best friend. We still talk on the phone for about an hour probably ever other day. We’ve gone to visit one another. He went out of the country with me for my 50th birthday and while I miss seeing him everyday, I get to see him at least once or twice a year.

We’ve both had relationships since that didn’t work and we were rooting for them to succeed and there for one another when they didn’t.

The only thing weird is folks who can’t quite understand why after 13 years together, we started hanging out all the time. It’s simple. We didn’t work as a couple. But he’s my closest friend who knows me better than anyone in the world. It’s hard for some people to understand and they repeatedly ask questions like “so…are you guys still dating or something?” No. We’re not dating and we never will be a couple again. But there was a reason we were together for 13 years. Because we like one another. We just couldn’t stay a couple.

How is it bragging? Neither of us ever walks into a room or announces to anyone we’ve just met “Did you know my best friend is someone I dated and lived with for 13 years?” What’s there to brag about? And why in the word should it make someone else cringe? I don’t care about how other people came to meet or know their best friends.

The only thing that was ever difficult was that even though we’d been broken up for over 10 years, my mom went to her grave hoping and convinced that we’d get back together. She absolutely loved him. He was part of our family after that long.

But we’re never gettng back together. He’s just my best friend. There is no romance anymore, but all the other feelings I had about him that kept us together for 13 years are still there.

And it’s not something to brag about.

Thanks for sharing that, R8. Very interesting.

You’re welcome r9. I’m not nearly as close to anyone else I’ve been in a relationship with, but I’ve also never been in another relationship that long. I’m friends with most guys I dated, but I don’t talk to any of them regularly (or ever).

Being friends with your ex isn't noteworthy, except among straight people with kids.

They're the ones who ought to stay friends, but who are almost always enemies.

I don't find it weird at all. I'm not personally friends with my ex, but we are 'friendly.' We're friends on Facebook, and it's interesting seeing his life. I have no interest in us being close, but I would hate if I wasn't aware of his life. We had great years together that just slowly didn't work out.

"cringey"

Oh, dear

I find people who are unhappy about happy friendly ex couples to be wired and cringey,

It’s not weird or cringy at all. Every couple has a story and if their intimate physical relationship ends that does not mean their friendship ends or a strong bond must be broken. Your view seems simplistic. I remained very close to my first X but have very little to do with my second X. And some of my best long term friends began as an affair (if you want to call it that).

I’d talk to an ex if we ever bumped into one another but I certainly wouldn’t be best friends. They are an ex for a reason.

I'd rather see people be civil or even friendly than being horrible to one another or actively psycho. Especially if kids or even mutual friends are involved. It shows maturity and restraint.

I would never date a person who was frothing-at-the-mouth upset over an ex. That person is unhinged and might be my ex one day, especially with that attitude. Sounds like a crazy person.

Blame Gwyneth

OMG -- I can't believe this hasn't been mentioned here yet, but it's practically a requirement for lesbians to remain friends with their exes. If you aren't friends with your exes, you are eyed with suspicion. I know this because I could NEVER be friends with an ex -- I mean, if we got along that well, we would have stayed together! But I guess it's one of those things in the "lesbian handbook" that I never understood.

My hypothesis is that lesbians don't really couple up because they're "in love"; they just don't want to be alone (most women don't) so they hook up with the next woman in their circle of friends and immediately bring the U-Haul. In other words, they were only friends to begin with so of course they'll still be friends when they cease co-habitation. The kind of passionate hot-sex-and-drama-filled relationships I've had could never have devolved into friendships. Waaay too much emotion flying around. I used to tell people, "Straight people aren't expected to be 'friends' with their exes -- why are lesbians?" Hence my hypothesis above.

My two cents.

Some people just have to put a "positive" spin on everything, even a break-up.

If you have a child in common with your ex, then it makes sense to not be scorched-earth with the ex.

R19, yes, that makes sense re: lesbians. My sister is a lesbian and I was able to observe group dynamics of lesbians. I prefer a punch and delete approach, like yours. Just move on.

"but he was and will probably always be someone I love more than anyone else in the world."

And this is why none of your relationships since him will work. No one wants to be second best to an ex. Your partner should be the person you love more than anyone else in the world.

R19, I'm just like you. I don't wish anything bad for any of my exes but I don't have to hang out with them or even remain in contact with them. I missed that part of the lesbian handbook, too.

I vowed never to get involved with any woman who was still close with their ex. I broke that rule a year ago and it backfired spectacularly. I met a girl who was hanging out with her ex and I could tell immediately that she was interested in me. When I asked her about the ex, she informed me that they still lived together and had broken up about a year prior during the lock downs but opted to still live together. I was wary but that evening after meeting her, the EX texted me to ask if she could give my number to the girl. The ex had asked me for my number with the pretense that she knew people who worked in my industry. I told her to go ahead and give it to the girl.

Girl and I flirt back and forth for a few months but I still had that nagging feeling that something was off with the ex being so involved. Despite that feeling and after having been single since 2014, I decided to go on a date with this girl. We had some crazy chemistry and we ended up going on about 4 dates. However, thing started getting weird on date #2 when the girl tells me she has a "curfew" and has to be home by 10pm to feed the dog of her ex. That should have been my clue to end it because what adult can't just call up the ex and tell her she's going to be late? Next date, she tells me the ex has forbidden her to ride in my car or go into my house. WTF? She said it was because the ex was afraid of Covid, but I was taking tests before each date. We went to a public place and she informs me that her ex is tracking her on her phone. I know it was true because at one point, the tracker must have lost tracking because the fucking ex called her while we were on our date to ask her where she was.

Finally she shows up for what would be our last date and I could tell something was wrong. She ended things saying she "wasn't ready" for me yet and I was disappointed but wished her well. She then asked if we could still go to dinner, which we did and we had a good time and were really honest with each other. I told her I don't remain friends with people I have dated and told her not to take it personally when I took her off my socials. I told her I have a no contact rule for at least a while.

Cut to, two days later she's begging me to have contact with her saying she's in love with me but that she has to "burn her life down" in order to be with me. She wouldn't elaborate on that when I asked and said, "I'm not ready to tell you yet."

So we talked a few times after and she promised me she was making changes. I finally cut shit off for good when she texted me that she was out with the ex and thinking of me.

Ran into her a few weeks ago still hanging with the ex. I had heard through mutual friends that she had referred to me as a stalker so when I ran into her, I apologized if I had made her feel that way. She said I didn't and that she never said that. Then she proceeds to tell me that because I told her what someone had told me, I was too much "drama." Hilarious and sad. But I hope she finds happiness someday and dumps that crazy ex. Lesson learned for me as I'm pretty sure now that she and the ex were in an open relationship and that's why there were so many "rules." I have zero desire to ever date again after that mess. My bad though for breaking my own rule about dating anyone who is still friends with an ex.

Amen, R21! And that kind of bullshit was what made me soooo grateful that menopause took away my sex drive. No more fucking DYKE DRAMA!

I’m not friendly with ANY of my ex boyfriends

I'm very good friends with one of my exes. We always got along great and we realized we just make better friends than partners.

What's so cringe about that?

I think if both people come to the realization that they don't work as a romantic couple, a rewarding friendship can follow. If one is still pining for the other, though, both parties should stay away from each other.

r22, I'm post menopause and seem to still have my sex drive, although not as strong as it once was. I've never had the kind of chemistry with anyone that I did with her and she said the same. It's just sad that she wasn't strong enough to pull herself away from the control of the ex.

r25, there has to be a long period of no contact prior to evolving from lover to friend. What I find is that even when I think, "oh maybe she and I can still be friends" that often diminishes the more time passes. I ran into one of my exes at a concert last year and she was there with her now wife and we had a great conversation and I really liked her wife. No animosity between us, but a nice conversation was had. However, for respect for her relationship, I don't reach out. I know I wouldn't like it if my wife/gf was having communication with someone they used to fuck.

I have a friend that keeps going through the break up cycle again and again for the last 15 years with a woman who treats her like shit. Every single time they "break up" I tell her to cut off contact completely and she never does. She also continues to do things for the bitch ex who uses her for money. My friend just keeps paying for shit, then they get back together and then a few months later they end up breaking up again. It's a horrible thing to witness because my friend deserves better but she just doesn't believe that, I guess. Right now she's paying for a hotel room and Disneyland trip with the woman and her son and the woman basically told her they wouldn't be hanging out together at the park because they were over. And yet, she still accepted that free hotel room and Disney trip.

I am in the minority, OP—I tend to somewhat agree with you.

Of course, it really is complicated and I suppose remaining friends will depend on a host of things, such as what caused the relationship to end.

I’ve never really felt a part of the lesbian culture and still don’t feel exactly comfortable there. Have been single for the past decade—and quite content. Pretty incestuous dynamics in much of the lesbian world that I recall, and it made me uncomfortable. I’m a bookish introvert and have many interests I pursue on my own and actually prefer solitary activities.

Aside from one woman (we lost touch years ago but I’d be friends again), I’ve not remained friends with anyone I’ve dated/lived with, although I certainly don’t dislike any of them. It seems to me every situation would be different though.

What's to brag about? The relationship was a loss. I communicate with an ex-partner of 26 years. You can't simply erase that long segment of your life, despite that he was, in my opinion, an asshole and a looser. It's been >10 years since we parted and we are FB friends and text each other a few times every month about silly stuff in language that only we understand . The concept that we might still be "close" is nauseating. But you can still accept each other as humans and that's not a bad thing.

I rarely remain friends with exes as I don’t want to resume.

That's the thing, r28. It's one thing to have some communication with an ex..it's quite another to hang out with them all the fucking time or to live with them. I have enough friends in my life. I don't need to be friends with someone I once was in a relationship with but I can wish them well and cheer them on from afar.

My thinking is people who make this a policy in their lives to still maintain an emotional but not sexual relationship with someone is that that person is hard up for friends. If you're that emotionally attached to an ex, it's going to be really difficult for you to be open to someone else in your life should someone come along.

I told them all to fuck off n die

r31, that might feel cathartic and satisfying, but in the long-term it's not healthful. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and just let it go.

I had a very amicable breakup with an ex, but it would be a stretch to call us friends. We have no reason to be in contact anymore, and wished each other the best going forward in our separate lives. We've moved on but are not all up in each other's business.

The real litmus test is what happens when one or the other ex moves into a new relationship. I've observed with a lot of straight couples that the "We're still very best friends" act wears real thin when a new partner enters the scene. (I suspect "best friends" is sometimes just a way that one partner seeks to maintain a kind of leverage over the other--because they were together previously, they think they can advance into a kind of "Partner Emeritus" role).

Nope. I admire former couples who remain friendly. It’s sane and mature and shows that both parties are healthy. It’s creepy when you hear the, all too common, opposite. People who claimed once to love each other, and then spend their remaining years at each others throats, bad-mouthing the other, trying to destroy lives or using kids as pawns. That’s what’s creepy.

R21, it sounds to me like your Drama Queen was cheating on her live-in girlfriend, and not for the first time.

It’s not weird to stay close or on good terms with an ex, especially if you have a kid or shared pets. Posting about it on social media is weird though (I don’t mean just sharing a photo but if they specifically write about how amazing they are for doing it etc). Though posting about pretty much anything on social media is weird.

[quote] "but he was and will probably always be someone I love more than anyone else in the world."

[quote]And this is why none of your relationships since him will work. No one wants to be second best to an ex. Your partner should be the person you love more than anyone else in the world.

My mother was also someone I loved more than anyone else in the world and that never stopped me from having romantic relationships or loving other people. I’m capable of having different kinds of love for all all sorts of people and that seems normal to me. In fact not being able to do it would seem like a sign of someone who was emotionally stunted. Loving my ex as my best friend absolutely doesn’t preclude me from loving someone else romantically and in a different way.

I don’t understand why this is hard to grasp. And I feel for the people who think once a romantic relationship is over it means you need to sever all ties. It makes me think you made a really poor decision in choosing a romantic partner in the first place if you aren’t able to still like, much less love them after the romance is over.

I still love all my exes. I just respect the fact that we had our time and it ended and now we both need to move on to grow and evolve. And that's not unhealthy either. I wish nothing but the best for all of them but I don't have to keep them in my life to show how "mature" I am. Whenever a break up happens, there's a loss and time is needed to grieve and heal. I feel like so many people are so weak that they don't want to feel that loss so they make sure to keep that person around in some capacity. That's fine if it works for you, but in my experience and from what I've seen, it seldom works when a new partner comes along that isn't comfortable with the closeness you share with your ex.

So you don't have to cut them off completely forever. But there does need to be the time away to honor and experience your grief. It's the same as the people who run out to get another pet right after their other pet dies. No one wants to sit with grief anymore. It's a huge sign of immaturity when people can't do that.

I’m polite to them, but generally speaking, if they’re an ex, I don’t give a shit what they’re doing. I don’t wish them ill, but who cares what they’re doing.

Unless kids are involved I think it means they never really loved each other. Cared a lot maybe. Were attracted to a lot maybe. Other great things but not love.

I'll say it again a different way: don't bother pretending to be friends if you really can't stomach your ex fucking (or god forbid, settling down with) someone new. People--especially the ones who initiated the breakup--love to treat their exes like little toy poodles that they can fondle whenever they feel like it--but get all upset when their erstwhile lapdog decides to sniff around elsewhere.

There's a lot to be said for a clean break and moving on. Karma is better, imo.

Also, if a breakup was because of hurtful behavior (cheating, abuse, etc) staying "friends" with them is horrific advice.

Was in a relationship for almost 30 years, from my early 20's until early 50's. He was charming, manipulative, a cheater, chronically unemployed, and a financial drain. And funny as hell. We went through a lot together and traveled the world. Our families became each others' families. We were the same age. He left me to be with younger guys. I was extremely hurt, angry, and bitter. Until I got cancer and had to deal with that, alone - except for a fantastic medical team. The house was so much more peaceful and I mostly enjoyed my own company and the freedom to be myself. At some point I learned how to "date" in the modern world - websites and phone apps, in addition to bars, during the five years of treatment. Nothing to lose, so why not become slutty? Didn't want to wallow in victimhood over being cheated on and then getting sick. That gets boring. Note that my physical pain and grueling treatments obliterated the emotional loss of my ex and any other resentment over everything I ever had.

Over the next decade, I learned that you can't erase most of your adulthood that was intertwined with someone else. Too many years of shared experiences and perspectives, friends and relatives. We're now Facebook "friends". We text regularly and crack each other up in a language that only we understand that developed over three decades. But then it sometimes devolves into familiar, toxic, manipulative territory, so I maintain distance.

In no way would I recommend or "brag" about being close with your ex. But if you stayed in a long-term relationship, that's on you. It's neither healthy to hold onto anger; nor is it healthy to cling forever onto someone who has been abusive to you.