I’d like to bury the hatchet with a neighbor. Need advice.

I think it's best to not attempt to address the issue head on.

Option 1: Bring something over to your neighbor, but think long and hard about what that may be. Nothing you cooked though. If he doesn't like you, he won't eat your home cooked food. Perhaps head outside when he's outside doing yard work. Compliment his home or yard. Tell him you've admired it for some time and apologize if you've come off rude. Say something in your life has helped you see the tension you might cause others and apologize directly to him and tell him you hope to be a better neighbor. That will be his opening to accept this new era of your relationship or waive the tension away and reject your offer.

OP, know that this conversation can turn out very awkward if not done right. Mending relationships that have no natural connection (work connection, friend connection, relative) is hard and ad normal. Most men would rather just accept that you two will not see eye to eye.

Option 2; Set fire to his house and be the first person at his door warning him to get him and his family out. If done right, you'll be his hero. If done wrong you'll be in prison.

Aim for the carotid artery.

You're not feuding. You're just not friends. Leave him alone.

OP, are you gay man, and is your neighbor straight? Is he homophobic?

Go put his penis in your mouth

Just have a more casual, warmer chat to him. Start by saying hello in a more friendly way.

I wouldn't start off by acknowledging your difficulties or taking blame.

Is he hot, OP?

R4 I’m gay but not out. He’s straight. No idea if he’s homophobic but probably is like most.

R7 He’s ok looking

Present hole OP.

What exactly are you feuding about?

[quote]I’d like to bury the hatchet with a neighbor. Need advice.

Use a fire ax, not a hatchet. Sharper and made to cut through things quickly.

Take it from experience. My shoulder hurt for two weeks.

R8 maybe there's sexual tension between you?

R10 Nothing really specific honestly. It’s just been a mutual dislike since day one. After being around him I think he’s an arrogant prick but when everything started I didn’t know him well enough to think anything just that I didn’t like his vibe.

Forty whacks is not sufficient.

Count your blessings. Be a frosty cordial but don’t try to fix this. Keep your distance. There’s countless people out there who might want to be your friend, but unless there’s issues with your neighbor that directly affects you i. e. noise, property line disputes, et cetera, there’s no reason to engage further. Be that icy intriguing gay neighbor we all would like to live next to.

Say: "Hi Larry, I know we didn't get off to a good start, but I'd like to bury the hatchet. We both live in Del Boca Vista. It's silly for us to not be cordial. Can we start over?"

OP - the only thing that needs to change is you. You wrote you’d like to run into him & not ruining your mood. That’s on you. You’ve decided to let it bother you. Remember he might not have given you a second thought & he doesn’t have to. He could very well see you as just a person in the building. Maybe he has enough friends etc . Then you said your aloof (won’t open up) - that too is your fault - who likes an aloof person? Do you? How about forget the guy & work on you. I don’t mean this as snark.

Two closeted queens sensing the other is judging them, not getting along .

Tale as old as time…

[quote] I’m gay but not out

In 2023? Really???!?!?!????

I agree with R3. Leave it. You’re just making it about yourself.

I have a family down the road whom I’d grown to despise. They are hillbilly-adjacent (it’s rural here and the neighbors run the gamut from extremely wealthy to house-falling-down).

They have loud cars … all souped up to be as loud as possible.

But I tolerated them. I’d wave but didn’t mean it.

And every time when of their loud vehicles drove by, it drove my mad.

I decided to to check myself. They seem to derive pleasure from those loud cars; maybe just respect that they are enjoying themselves.

Now I don’t let it get to me. And they’ve picked up on my changed disposition. When I wave now, they sense that I mean it, and they are quite friendly in return.

I’m much happier.

My point? Getting along with your neighbors benefits you. Do whatever it takes to take the air out if the tension.

Be kind to them. Bring them a pie. Stop by and say you’re sorry if you got off on the wrong foot. Forget the power dynamic. Be kind to them. It will make you feel better, I promise.

Unless harsh words were spoken I wouldn't make a statement that you got off on the wrong foot.

Watch the "Frieda Claxton" episode of "The Golden Girls."

Be smart about this OP. You do not know what he's thinking, so the vibe you are getting may be true or not. To chip some of the ice off, what simple but neighborly thing could you do that would make him automatically defrost - which is your goal?

OT example: had a landlady who stored a huge pile of crap in the back of the unfenced yard in a house I rented. Old wood, rusty nails, rowboat that had long ago fallen apart, other garbage. Wouldn't remove it, she said it wasn't her problem, it was her son's stuff, etc., and that we should just leave it alone.

A few weeks went by and I phoned her as a concerned tenant, saying I had gotten home from work and saw a bunch of neighbor kids playing in the pile (lie), & I chased them off (lie) and was worried they might hurt themselves some day (in my imagination). She said they were trespassing and they don't belong on other people's property. I pointed out the yard was unfenced and any lawyer looking at the situation could say the pile was an 'attractive nuisance' and I was afraid she might be liable if a kid was hurt (SUCH a concerned tenant!). The son showed up 2 days later and hauled everything away.

Long story but OP there must be some way you can finesse the situation to your advantage. What could you do to make your neighbor a bit grateful to have you as a neighbor?

2 words: pumpkin pie

R24 He had a kid earlier this year. I thought about doing something for the kid, but I don’t know what. I kind of liked that idea because that would be me doing something nice for the kid directly and the father indirectly.

Did he cut a tree down? 🌳

Make lemon squares, put on your best caftan and stand by his mailbox.

Break in while he's at work and clean his house.

You’re not feuding. Why does this need fixed? Be cordial and polite as he seems to be to you. This whole things is very Mary-ish.

OP, he likes it the way it is - civil and frosty. He doesn't want to discuss your feelings and needs. For crissakes!

Your initial instincts may have kicked in to protect you from a perceived threat. I have learned to trust those instincts, I would be cordial and wave, etc. but leave it at that.

r26 That'd just make you look creepy. Do what r30 says

LOL after R26, if that is the OP, I'm beginning to side with the neighbor. Don't be a groomer.

R26 just came out of nowhere. WTF would you do for a newborn infant? And is there a wife or girlfriend also living in the home who doesn’t even register with OP? I assumed OP was “feuding” with a single man living alone. And what “leverage” is the neighbor going to get from OP trying to be nice?

OP, you are weird.

[quote] [R24] He had a kid earlier this year. I thought about doing something for the kid, but I don’t know what. I kind of liked that idea because that would be me doing something nice for the kid directly and the father indirectly.

Give the kid a hatchet, and let him take care of dad, indirectly, for you.

R29

Instead show up in a nice tasteful maids outfit and tell him you want to clean his house as a baby present. B&E IMO is not the way to go.

If you walk over with a plate of freshly baked cookies, and he don't open the door immediately when you ring, but the door is open, and through the screen door you hear hissing, and see shadowy figures under a pool of light in partially visible back room, do not stick around.

But you just explained that you’re not feuding and merely cold towards each other. Bringing this up at all is a mistake and will probably make him dislike you way more than he does now. You don’t have to be everyone’s friend, if someone dislikes you for no good reason that’s okay too. Just leave it alone.

Is this Joel's origin story?

You don't owe him a goddamn thing. You had those first impressions for a reason; it's called "instinct". If the two of you are not engaging, screaming at each other, etc. LEAVE IT BE. If he speaks or waves first, be cordial in return. Speak only if spoken to. Be on your guard; don't fucking open up and spill your guts.

I've lived in my situation for thirty-three years and it's a fucking madhouse. I tried to be a nice, friendly neighbor, but it doesn't work. I've learned my lesson about keeping up my guard. There are eight people- two of whom don't even live here anymore- who literally think they own the block and can pick and choose who lives here. One of them is a 400 pound, 83 year old sow with dementia who waddles around the neighborhood, mowing other people's yards so she can nose around. She calls the police and other government offices on anyone who does not meet her rigid standards. She has declared herself "mayor of our street". Another woman calls animal control on other people's pets, but her fucking poodle is allowed to roam. She takes the cur for walks to shit in other people's yards, yet she has a "no dog poo" sign in her front yard.

The male half of the couple who owns the house next door and no longer lives here is a nasally voiced, beady eyed Mike Pence clone into young boys. He has had altercations with a father two doors down because he was caught openly watching the high school aged boys playing football in nothing but shorts. I once saw him force a VERY little boy in his garage and a few minutes later, when they emerged, the little boy was in tears and he looked pissed off. The wife is a wine-o who looks like Miss Gulch's uglier sister with the attitude to match. The pervert and his fat daughter both mow right up against my house and garage which is six fucking feet over the property line. They are all trying to force me out and acting as if they already own my property. A week ago I got into a shouting match with the daughter for putting an open bag of trash, upside-down, in one of my cans. Nothing they do is illegal or wrong though, yet the pervert's daughter and granddaughter sell pot and God knows what else. Their snarling pit bull tries to climb under their fence. Yes, they are all MAGA.

R41 sounds like it’s well past time to move.

What culture is this neighbor from?

R15 lives in a tweener soap.

Damn. Reading this thread makes me want to pull all the shades down and never come out except to grab the bags the food deliverers bring.

Good luck, OP.

Don't bother. We have one pair next door, both PhD's, both (surprise, surprise) clearly on the spectrum. Next door to them is an 85 year old with dementia. You can talk to her, but she can't remember a think you said. Or, three minutes after she said what she said she can't remember that, either.

There's no talking to people who don't function more or less the same way in this world than you do.

OP, tell the truth, would you fuck him?

Probably better to just avoid the kid altogether unless you want to be known as "the groomer next door".

To R41, DO NOT MOVE!! DO NOT GIVE them the opportunity to win. Get a survey done of ur property, leave the spikes in the ground. Stand your ground, piss them off!!

OP Are you secretly yearning and lusting after this neighbour, but perhaps in denial? Also are you sure that you haven’t come on to him once in the past and he rejected you, perhaps you were drunk at the time? You haven’t mentioned if the neighbour is married or has a partner, maybe he is a closeted homosexual like yourself. What does he look like? Does he mince when he walks?

Good fences make good neighbours.

I make a point of not getting to close to mine. I have no obligation to be anything more to you because of our adjacency to each other. In the past, when I've been overtly friendly, people have taken liberties. I serve on my condo board and I've had people coming to my door like I was the complaint department. How fucking dare they? Well, they did. And I've always made a point about being deliberately quiet about my volunteer status at the condo (it's a large building) but people will find out, inevitably. This is the balls that people have.

Frostiness helps with maintaining arms length. I've learned the hard way that that's important. More important than being seen as nice.

If you really care, then just try being warmer to him when you see him. A little at a time. He'll pick up on that quickly, nothing more needs to be said. You didn't do anything wrong.

If it were me I would keep on as is. You don't need this person in your orbit and I agree with the poster upthread who advises to trust one's instincts.

To all the groomer posts: I don’t give a shit about his little bastard. I cant stand kids and prefer not to be around them. It was mentioned only as an avenue to do something nice to break the ice. I live in the South. It’s common for neighbors to do things for other people’s kids. Especially in tight knit communities like mine.

R50 He’s cute in a aww shucks country boy way. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed. He’s married to a woman that embraces the “trad wife” lifestyle. He’s never done anything to make me believe he’s anything other than straight. I’ve never come on to him or given him any kind of indication I’m gay.

Get a gun. Instead of burying the hatchet you should bury the neighbor.

OP, why didn't you mention he was married and had a kid at the beginning? How is your relationship with his wife?

I can't understand why you're calling this a feud either. You don't mention any confrontation or even an actual conflict. Just "clipped, frosty" interactions. You have an awkward relationship, not at all unusual for neighbors. Is it possible you're reading more into it? Why, exactly, does seeing him ruin your mood? What is that really about? Do you have "a need" to be liked? I have neighbors that aren't friendly, either, and I just ignore them or do the bare minimum "hello," and move on with my day.

I would leave things as they are. Be a good neighbor when the opportunity arises, but don't make any gestures. It doesn't sound like you know these people very well. It could just be that they have poor social skills and no desire to make friends, and it has nothing to do with you.

[quote]You don't owe him a goddamn thing. You had those first impressions for a reason; it's called "instinct".

Strongly agree with this statement. Trust your gut.

Leave this neighbor alone. They want nothing to do with you. Just find other ways to fill your time. Don't be a psycho clingy neighbor who wants to be friends. No one likes that. No one.

Yeah, OP, as you add more details, this doesn't seem like a feud. If he's married to a trad wife, then he's either homophobic, a closeted homosexual or both.

Sometimes you just have to accept that someone doesn't like you. Ignore him and move on with your life.

R54 it’s not a need to be liked so much as a fear of being excluded. Back in high school (I’m 29 so doesn’t feel like that long ago) I had a nice group of friends. Senior year a new kid moved into town. He started hanging out with my group. I tried to be friendly, but he didn’t like me much at all.

Everybody else got on great with him. If he had a party or wanted to do something after school everybody got an invite except for me. My “friends” were perfectly happy to go places without me. When I invited everybody except him they didn’t want to go because he wouldn’t be there and that wasn’t fair.

Over the next few months I was gradually phased out of the group. It was upsetting but I graduated soon after and went off for college. Made new friends new connections. Everything turned out ok.

This guy seems warm and friendly with others in the community. I’m just afraid it’s going to happen all over again. I’m afraid if I don’t get in good with him then next thing you know I’ll be excluded from community events and neighborhood BBQs because they’d rather have him than me.

[quote] I’m just afraid it’s going to happen all over again. I’m afraid if I don’t get in good with him then next thing you know I’ll be excluded from community events and neighborhood BBQs because they’d rather have him than me.

OP, I think you need to get past this high school / "shunning" mentality. What happened in HS wasn't your fault and you had no control over it. Same here.

[quote] Everybody else got on great with him. If he had a party or wanted to do something after school everybody got an invite except for me. My “friends” were perfectly happy to go places without me. When I invited everybody except him they didn’t want to go because he wouldn’t be there and that wasn’t fair.

So why didn’t you just invite him? Didn’t any of your friends ever ask why you were explicitly excluded from his events? Or did you just assume that? Why would your friends accuse you of being unfair to him and not vice-versa?

OP, is it possible you have a history of fixating on specific individuals and blaming them for any shortcomings in your social life? If all the other neighbors think you are a great guy and currently include you, why in earth do you think that this one guy being “frosty” towards you is going to cause everyone else to turn on you? This is just not plausible. What is plausible is a relatively young single guy in a neighborhood of families being excluded from informal events. And the solution to that is to invite them to informal events.

Just be a little nicer each time. No need to make a proclamation. Maybe he just has resting bitch face or is a glum chum.

Or, OP, how about just minding your own fucking business?

Some people just have a cold, unfriendly affect that unintentional. Maybe they’re caught up in their own world.

Early in my career, my desk was near the restrooms. That helped me meet lots of people.

But there was one woman and one guy on the floor who always rushed right past, offering glares or just refusing eye contact.

I started hitting them with big, smiley, “Good morning!” At first they didn’t know what to do. Before you knew it, there were stopping by to chat.

Maybe they lacked social skills. But once I drew them out, they were totally different.

Try drilling a glory hole in the shared fence and see if he takes up the offer. I’m sure he’ll become friendlier if you start giving him regular blowjobs. Plus you’ll score points with the wife for taking on a chore she detests.

Good fences make good neighbors.

Especially if they're sound-suppressing, armored and bullet-proof, electrified and hyper-secured IT/COMS, with rapid small missile/drone-downer defense in place. And of course that's just the outer fence.

My places in Nashville and Big Stone Gap both have the same protections from the MAGA-zombie hordes.

Start sunbathing nude and give him an eyeful. Show him your grapes of wrath

OP, I'm not trying to be a cunt, but you need therapy. Talk this out with a professional. You are obviously dealing with trauma from your experience in high school, and you are now projecting onto your neighbour.

I would recommend therapy, as well. This is no way to live life, worrying so much about this neighbor guy.

For fuck's sake, you think this has something to do with your feelings about being excluded by friends from high school?

Maybe bury the hatchet with your past first and leave the neighbor out of it for the time.

See if he’s into fisting!!

R63 Did they shit their pants?

OP = Gladys Kravitz

Not the OP, but this a question to those of you saying to get therapy or work on yourself. I think I, myself, could really benefit from therapy, but how does one go about finding a good compatible therapist?

Anybody can pick a name from the phone book I know. Is there a process to finding the right therapist? I dread the prospect of finding a therapist thinking it will be good only to have somebody who I don’t feel comfortable with. Then it’s back to the list of names for the cycle to start all over again.

Like the OP I also live in a conservative rural area so homophobia is a definite concern. I don’t think the therapy will do much good if I have to hide such a central part of myself.

Sometimes you get lucky, R73, and find a great therapist straight up. Other times, yes, you do have to shop around. I'm Australian, so my experience may be different to how it's done in America, but basically I went to my GP whilst having a mental health crisis a few years back and he referred me to a psychiatrist he was professionally familiar with. I don't particularly like this psychiatrist, but she is good at what she does and my mental health is back on track.

If you go into therapy determined to hide anything though, you won't reap the benefits. I learnt that you have to be willing to face all the parts of yourself - the good, the bad and especially the ugly. Facing your deepest fears and acknowledging your innermost demons isn't fun. Admitting to fucking up your own life (in my case) is painful and humiliating. But it does lead to healing.

There are various online “find a therapist” tools.

A friend found one for me. She’s a marriage and family therapist (it’s just an approach but your issues don’t have to be specific to a marriage or family). She called the local org of marriage and family therapists near me and the person who answered raved about a certain therapist, and she turned out to be amazing.

Also, you can ask others who are on therapy because most know a bunch of other therapists and share referrals.

My current therapist came via a family member who checked around with some therapists she knew. She’s outstanding, as well.

R73, I live in a small town, too. I'd recommend, if possible, finding someone you could consult w/remotely. People in small towns are not just small-minded, but they have big fucking mouths, as well. That includes medical professionals.

This will widen the pool for you. If you don't like someone, try the next person.

I agree that you have to tell your therapist that you're gay.

OP I would not engage. I would smile and be cheerfully polite but keep on stepping. And do not "explain" yourself. you don't start a conversation with an "I'm sorry if I seem..." Leave it. The smile and wave is enough. you might ask a question if you see him working in the yard. I'll assume you have a yard and may want to ask him when the best time to fertilize, or what to do about weeds, or WTF ever. But do not expect or pursue extended conversations.

I had some neighbors in their 60's who lived across the street. I would smile and wave and sometimes they responded and other times they didn't. One day my battery died. I need to call to get a jump. I walked across the street to ask if they might have jumper cables, and they would not even speak to me. She answered the door with him behind her, and I said my car wouldn't start and I needed a boost. And she said no, and he said, "If I did I wouldn't tell you." and they closed the door in my face. Let me say that I am African American, (nice looking too) and they were white in a predominantly white affluent neighborhood. I lived a quiet life, no wild parties or sketchy friends, and after 6 years this is how I was treated.

Wow, R77, sorry to hear. They sound like miserable people.

Kidnap the baby then help them find it.

OP? In my experience, don’t bother. Accept things as they are and stay frosty. They’re only a neighbour. Whatever thawing of the relationship occurs, it’ll only be temporary. Focus on having a real relationship with someone else.

Is his name Kevin?

R74 what was it you found most helpful in therapy?

I’m currently feuding with someone at my gym. I have no clue why, but I’m in it now.

Don’t back down. Screw being polite to dickheads.

You all have some scary neighbors. I have always maintained cordial relations with neighbors. I don't have them over for dinner or anything like that, but I wave to them when they pass by if I'm out gardening or raking leaves. Today the neighbor from across the street called me to tell me that my next door neighbor had collapsed on her lawn. She rushed over to see how she could help, and found that my neighbor was not dead, but definitely confused and mentally foggy. Didn't seem to know who to call from her own family. The neighbor called me. I did a little internet research and came up randomly with one of her son's names and cell-phone number. He called his dad (her ex-husband) and both rushed over to check on her and make sure that she wasn't in dire straits. My point about that long story is that you, OP, might be that person who collapses on his own lawn one day. Do you really want to listen to the people on DL telling you never to talk to your neighbors or have anything to do with them t the point that they'd leave you there as buzzard bait?

My suggestion is to take a common attractive garden plant, hardy in your area, over to him, and tell him you accidentally bought two and only need one. Or if you don't want to have a face-to-face interaction with him, just leave it on the front porch of his house with a note saying the same thing, and maybe congratulate him on the new child. He can plant it or not, but the message it will communicate is that you don't consider him an enemy.

That's enough, and I'd leave it alone after that. If he waves or smiles the next time you see him on the block, that's plenty.

Agree with R84. Having great friends is wonderful, but having great neighbors is almost the equal.

I lived for a few years in a quiet town that was Peyton Place perfect on the surface. My neighbors were older or much older and mostly invisible at first. Soon enough, however, each came up to introduce himself, some to bring a gift of fresh fruit, for instance, and to offer a quick welcome and an invitation to help with local info or to lend a hand with anything. They were the polite opposites of Gladys Kravitz, respecting everyone's privacy but keeping an eye out for anything odd - a package left in the rain, the gardener who locked herself out, the contractor who came a day early to make measurements. When they were away I might move their garden furniture to safety from a storm, or volunteer to look after their dog, or look in on their house. They did the same for me I met their children, went to the occasional party, shared a few holiday meals, got great advice on where to find some odd thing or the right person to help with something. They were old and smart enough to be very respectful of privacy, but we're warm and no fuss in looking after one another. They understood the value of collective interest and respect and were lovely people whose idea of being good neighbors exceeded the qualities of friendship of many friends. .

My practical advice to OP is if he wants to not have an adversarial relationship with a neighbor, just resolve to do it. Take a neutral or pleasant attitude every time you see him. You don't have to suck his dick or bring a basket of fresh eggs, just be mildly pleasant as though you had forgotten the past awkwardness. It's a long game but costs nothing and you may end up where no one remembers exactly why your relationship as neighbors seemed awkward.

Good idea to bury the hatchet. Preferably in his head.

[Quote][R74] what was it you found most helpful in therapy?

R82, my psychiatrist recommended I undergo Dialectical Behavioural Training. I'd been operating from a very paranoid perspective, and seeing the world in extremes. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. DBT taught me how to live life without swinging so rapidly from one end of the pendulum to the other. I also cleaned up my diet, quit alcohol, apologised to the people I had hurt, cut out the people who made me feel bad about myself, and adopted a mantra of live and let live. I've stopped worrying what other people think (mostly). A lot of that come with age too though, OP. I turned 40 this year and it was like a flip switched and I just thought fuck it, I can't live under the burden of petty grudges and imagined slights any longer.

If you need therapy, try going to a beauty therapist. Pretty people are more likable. You’d be amazed what a mani/pedi can do for a gay.

You know what? If I collapse on my lawn I would hope any stranger walking or driving by might notice and stop to help. I would hope that my neighbor whether I know them well or not would try to help. You don't have to establish a relationship with someone to get help in an emergency. I have always been cordial and project friendliness, but I am not friends with my neighbors. And I think what many of us are saying is don't overdo it. Don't walk over to the neighbor in question and start apologizing if you have seemed unfriendly, etc. No. You just do the smile and wave and sometimes a pleasant word or two and leave it at that. The burden is not all on you. If you are pleasant and accessible then the neighbor has to meet you half way. You're not in charge. If they aren't willing to be pleasant, then let it be.

[quote] If I collapse on my lawn I would hope any stranger walking or driving by might notice and stop to help.

Yes, you'd hope. It's more likely that someone would care to stop if you had a decent relationship with them.

You don't have to be best friends with your neighbors. You don't need to invite them for coffee. But if you're cordial & respectful, your chances are better that they'd stop and help.

Look,, OP. Just don't collapse on your front lawn. Or your back lawn.

Please, I hate my neighbours and don’t want their help with anything. I wear a “Do Not Resuscitate” T-shirt while I’m in the yard, just in case they get any ideas.

Neighbors can be weird, and granted this is in Connecticut. My parents live on an upper class cul-de-sac. Six houses. They've lived there for eons. They and all of the neighbors wore lukewarm friends. A hello, a brief conversation but no real relationship. One year my mother got really sick. No one in my family told any of them what was going on. But the ladies auxiliary kicked in. We still don't know how they knew. But they made sure that we had meals at the house everyday. Our driveway was plowed. Garbage cans taken to the street. All these little things. Still through it all they barely spoke. Yet they made sure we had everything we needed. No instructions, no requests, and barely a thank you. It was just something people did.

Then my grandparents who lived in the same house in Suffield, CT for generations.... a new family moved in across the street. I recall it was 20 years later and my grandparents, when they talked about them, still called them the "new couple across the street".

Again all is relative, this is Connecticut, but those are my kind of neighbors.