When is it time to move into Independent Living?

Op, are you drooling on your pillow and pooping in your shorts? Then, it's time.

If you have the money, do it NOW! I have friends who have been thinking about it, but waited. Within the last month, one has been in/out of the hospital four times. Now it is difficult to get into assisted living because one is ok.

Go to the nicest place you can afford now, OP.

Order your groceries, hire a cleaning woman, have laundry service p/u clothes if needed. Move to a smaller house/condo if your current one is too big to handle. DO NOT move to a tiny apt in a $4000 a month assisted living complex.

In many independent living facilities you must have:

The ability to manage to one’s own daily personal needs, to keep all essential appointments, and to attend a central dining facility for meals

The ability to communicate and navigate the campus independently (particularly in an emergency or for safety)

Full mental competency (i.e. the ability to make competent, rational decisions)

The ability to be cared for by the Home’s existing facilities and services

Freedom from psychiatric or substance use disorders.

The ability to care for their own room including light housekeeping such as making the bed, washing personal laundry, and basic cleaning of the bathroom, floors, and windows

In other words, they may not accept you if you are ready to drop dead. You need to plan ahead.

Whatever you decide, remember that the good facilities often have years long waiting lists to get in.

Long before you think you need to move, get on the lists for places.

R5's list - if a person can manage all of that, why would they need to move to an assisted living facility. Obviously, there are going to be varying degrees of "assistance" in those facilities and a vast difference between a nursing home and "assisted living" facility. But, if you can manage on your own, why would you pay the exhorbitant money for a facility when you could probably hire in-home help for a fraction of the cost. Facilities run $5-6K to start for places that wouldn't be used as a setting for a horror movie and go up from there.

Stay in your comfort ( home) as long as possible. Since you have saved you can hire out alot of things that are becoming to much to handle.

[quote] [R5]'s list - if a person can manage all of that, why would they need to move to an assisted living facility.

These are the requirements for an Independent Living Facility. In some cases such as the Armed Forces Retirement Home, you need these qualifications to get in. Once in, they will not throw you out when your condition goes worse as in assisted living and dementia care.

This has lately been on my mind and I want a plan.

I'm 61, single, still working and everything is okay (knocking on wood here). However, I have dementia in my family and a medication I am on makes me more susceptible.

I have a job I enjoy and can transition to part time. So, the plan now is to work longer to ward off cognitive decline. In the meantime, I am saving money so I can be in a nice facility when the time comes.

I think people need to place thought in the latter years and have a plan.

[quote]When is it time to move into Independent Living?

Quarter after three is optimal.

If you can afford it try hiring help and stay in the comfort of your home.

I have a family member that lives in a very nice newer construction assisted living facility and she really likes the place, they provide cleaning services, activities and food. The older folks that live there enjoy getting together and playing cards and go out together so there is some sense of belonging which is important but it’s not cheap and one thing I found out is that if a couple have different levels of needs they can move the other person out and you could end up separated from your partner at some point.

I think I would hire a cheap housekeeper and unqualified "health aid" and stay home.

Sell your house and get a condo. Get one that doesn't have a lot of stairs, where you can age in place. Downsize. And remember we now have Uber, Lyft, Instacart and door dash. Move to a community that has a good hospital system. I like the idea of free cultural amenities too.

R13 here. I forgot to say a community that has good public transportation options.

OP, I'm 70 and I also think about the future at times. For myself I will never move into any sort of assisted living or even an independent living environment where I don't have absolute 100% control over what, where, & when I do anything, as long as I can take care of all my needs either for myself, or by paying someone to come in and assist with things I find taxing. Thankfully I have the resources to insure I'm taken care of (if needed) while staying in my own home. A nursing facility is not an option for me. No way, no how. I decided several years back if the day comes that a nursing home is my only option I will take care of things my own way.

That reminds me...

I live in a condo with lots of steps. More than one young repair/service person who has been to my home has said over the years, “You’ll never get old living here.” I think the intent was to convey all the exercise I get navigating with the steps. But it may also mean that an old person could never live in my place. I’m 66, & so far, the exercise has served to my benefit. I have none of the older-age aches & pains of my contemporaries. I know there will come a time that my home becomes my nemesis. I just hope I have the foresight to move before it’s too late.

My future came 8 years ago. Living in a 2600 SF house on half an acre all by myself wasn't going to work. I was 59, my mother had just died. I sold the place, moved to a nice medium sized town near a good University hospital system, and bought a lovely c1250 SF Condo. It's in a 3 story building, 2 Br 2 Ba, and a lovely balcony. I live in a gated community and this is the hill I will die on. I drive, I have free secure parking, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover maybe a half dozen aging Gay couples in this huge complex. I'm comfortable and happy, and peaceful.

Doesn’t anyone remember Geraldo Rivera’s WILLOWBROOK?

The last thing I want to do is move someplace where there is nothing but other old people. That’s the same reason I don’t want to move to Florida or Palm Springs.

Old people, DeSantis & Manatees being fucked to death 🥳

R17, I live in a house with a lot of stairs, it keeps me fit and builds muscle which is needed as I have osteoporsis. My concern for later is it's a big house and I may want a smaller condo in the near future.

Suicide.

Glorified playpens.

I would look around and see what's available. I knew a guy who lived in a nice senior place. I didn't ask how much it cost, but I'm sure it was super expensive, just based on the location. He did have a full-sized kitchen (but didn't even cook). It was actually a 3-bedroom, then he downsized to a 2-BR (same complex).

Like some other posters in this thread, I have a net worth over $10 million. Unlike them, I'm not going to make my solutions an example BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING READ and my options differ from OP's options.

Take it from someone who moved a parent too late: If you have problems grocery shopping, getting transportation to/from your appts or driving, doing things like laundry, taking care of your home and things like gardening or cleaning because you are less mobile/agile and worry about falls or medical concerns, cooking meals, managing your meds - it's time.

I’ve been living independently since 1996

I am 73 and have noticed that I don't want to do many things anymore. My knees are bad, I don't enjoy gardening, cooking or cleaning. It is just my partner and me and it will be a contest to see who survives. While the thought of an old folks care facility creeps me out, I find it seems more enticing every day. I just don't want to deal with bull crap anymore and read, write, listen to music and chat with folks. I think this aches and pains are winning and I just want to rest.

You might want to look into Continuing Care Communities, where you start out in independent living, then move to assisted, or skilled nursing (or memory care) as needed. That way you don't have to keep relocating.

R18 here. I agree about not wanting to live in a community exclusively of old people. My Condo complex has a few families with toddlers, and a lot of middle aged professionals, different nationalities and races. Asian AA, Middle Eastern and White. I just love it. I have my own washer dryer in my condo, no stairs. I take the elevator to the parking garage. As I said, the building is three stories. When I was looking, I knew I didn't want to live in a high rise. No more than 6 stories for me. The point is,as far as the population of this place goes, it is very mixed. There a re elderly people, older adults, middle aged, families couples singles.

If you have health issues then yes, continuing care communities that offer tiered living arrangements may work. But if you can age in place it is infinitely better. Intergenerational is really healthier, mentally and physically. Where I live we have a pool and a fitness center, a library/game room, and a large community room. We have various committees you can join like our gardening committee, and the film club. They show movies twice a month. And this is NOT a senior community.

Following!

The "hotel room" statement is a straw man.

If you want someone else to take care of you as you need it, there are plenty of places that offer apartments or more stand-alone housing units (duplexes or multi-family buildings), where one can plan to transition to dependent living units (many have multi-room units with kitchen) and then skilled nursing if needed.

Or you can pay for additional services in your home, with stair lifts, changes to bathrooms and other modifications. Meals, cleaning and personal care can be arranged.

If you have the means.

Go live on a cruise ship! See the world, meet people from every walk of life, be completely taken care of, excellent food, free entertainment, and when you die, get buried at sea. And it’s cheaper than a nursing home.

[quote]I take the elevator to the parking garage.

What do you do when the elevator is out of service or the power goes out?

My mom. who had retired to FL in the 1970s, moved herself into an assisted living place near Hollywood in her late 80s after my dad died, which she loved. This was in the late 1990s. She originally had her own little cottage on the compound with all kinds of optional services, meal plans and nursing needs, which she loved as it really allowed her complete independence yet plenty of support and companionship.

By the time she was 90 she than moved herself into a room in the "big house" with all the same services but even less responsibility yet closer to all the amenities.

But sadly, when she turned 94, her doctor told me that I'd have to move her into a real nursing home with 24 hr care as she required more nursing attention than the compound could provide, which I think is pretty common of these set-ups. She hated the nursing home at first and it was depressing as there were several people in such bad shape. But her doctor put her on some strong "happy pills" and she eventually came around. She passed away there 2 years later at age 96.

In the end I fear, if you live long enough, there's no way around a nursing home.

I have some older friends who moved with much trepidation, but have actually loved it. Lots of other people in the same situation, which makes people become more social and open to new activities and friendships.

I'm alone, 74, and am moving into Wesley Willows. It's an independent living situation with many amenities and guaranteed lifetime care. My partner died 10 years ago and I know this is the time. I have the money and don't want to wait until I can no longer make choices for myself.

My dad (age 87) just sent me a check after selling his and my stepmother's (age 78) house. I'm a bit concerned about this because there is a Medicaid 5-year look-back for asset transfers. My father retired at age 65.

They had a sprawling house on 3 levels on a steep lakeshore, 25 miles from town. They both broke bones in the last few years. They now live in a single story ground level condo in town. They have long term care insurance, but it has a lifetime limit that could easily be breached at current care rates - I expect it could cover a total of 6 years' care shared between the 2 of them. They have refused all offers of help and insist on living independently.

We are on the lip of a climate catastrophe. So spend all the money on rent boys and parties.

Look into subsidized elder housing, OP, if you both find it possible to put accumulated savings into something like a trust and so you can place your names on a waiting list at an independent living situation where your rent can be determined as being, out of your pocket apart from federal elder services funding, e.g. one-third of your income (e.g., social security, etc.). It would not be the same thing as assisted living or nursing care, you'd have your own place with kitchen efficiency and sometimes 1 or more bedrooms or just studio size, and probably weeknight evening meals and access to lots of regularly ongoing community evens for you and new neighbors you'd meet. It's an arrangement that probably won't feature any attendent medical care or supervision, but could be a next step within the framework of your both being able to age in place and perhaps enroll in a local area agency on aging to secure helpful service benefits like a regularly visiting homemaker/cleaner, SNAP grocery benefits, and/or included utilities, all to help you with expenses as well as activities of daily living.

R40, A lot of elderly parents make life really hard for their families with that "insisting on living independently." Now if you want to live independently then accept assistance. Someone to clean the house and d the laundry. Get a meal delivery service like Hello Fresh or Factor or Blue Apron or WTF ever. And teach them how to use their phone to summon an uber. And some point they will need help with bathing and dressing. Last year, We had our bathroom renovated to get rid of the tub and just have a stand up shower. It's spacious and there's a bench to sit on and you can hold the shower head in your hand if you wish. Independence is learning how to adapt and get assistance when you need it. My mother lived in an Senior Citizen building independent living apartment. As she grew more frail and needed more help, We hooked her up with with three nursing students who were helping two other women in the building. They'd arrive in the morning, help her bathe and dress and give her breakfast. Then run dow to the next floor and do the same for two other women. We arranged for someone to bring her lunch and visit for an hour, and then we took turns covering the evening shift. It worked out very well for about 4 years. Then Mama had a stroke. But she made it to 91. Only really needed help for the last 6 years of her life.

Sounds counterintuitive, but I think couples should actually move into "independent living" places. Why? When one of them dies, it's devastating to the survivor, but at least the survivor doesn't have to move into independent living by himself / herself. It's more do-able if the couple downsizes, etc., together.

My mother was in an independent living facility that also offered assisted living and skilled nursing care, with price increases as you declined and needed more help. This type of facility is good for people with existing health concerns that are likely to get worse. My mother had mild dementia but still qualified for independent living in that place. Her apartment had a small kitchen but she ate in the dining room and spent a lot of time out doors on the grounds with her new friends. Eventually she needed full care but we moved her to a smaller place for that. She was happy in both places.

A friend's mother lived in a lovely place place but it did not offer memory care, so when she showed increasing signs of mental decline she had to move out. It was really difficult for my friend, his mother did not want to move and ended up in a board and care home. She was well-cared for there but complained about the staff. If you run out of money and can no longer afford the cost things can get really scary. Medicare skilled nursing beds are scarce where I live and if you're not prepared for it you may not have a choice of facility or even be near friends or family.

Outliving ones savings while still in decent health has put many people in bad situations. I think it's a failing in the social services aspect of our nation. In my mother's case she had enough money and property not to worry, but my friend spent a lot of time watching his mother's money dwindle before she qualified for Medicare. If you have some money left and your health demands skilled nursing you have to spend it all (down to $2000 in CA) before Medical pays. She died first, a blessing in disguise. Some people spend a lot of time trying to divest themselves of assets to avoid that scenario.

My main advice, Op, is to visit the places that interest you, see what health issues may force you out, whether they have kitchens in the rooms, activities offered, shuttle services, and that sort of thing.

R44 Correct.

I wouldn't mind moving into a place like "Green Grove," where Tony Soprano's mom and Paulie Gaultieri's mom lived. I think I'd need a kitchen, though. I think I'll always want to cook, even if it's just one plug-in stove burner and a large toaster oven.

[quote]If you can afford it try hiring help and stay in the comfort of your home.

We did this for my father when he became quadriplegic and on a ventilator thanks to polyneuropathy. We regret none of it but the reality is paying for help and fixing the house to make it liveable for him wiped out $1.5 million of my parents’ joint superannuation for the remaining 6 years of his life. (Bear in mind they had to use their savings to finish paying off a mortgage and a car, and they had been very lax about upkeep on their mid-century, architecturally lovely, but very much not up to standard home.) My mother, who worked as an intensivist, quit work to care for him in her mid-60s is now in her 70s, she can’t really return to hospital work, and has been left with very little to live on for the rest of her life.

R48, I had never heard of an intensivist. I had to look that up & learn my first new thing of the day.

An old friend of mine (the wife of a deceased former work associate who died a little over a year ago) who had a stroke a few years back and has some mobility and cognizance issues sold their big house and moved into a 55+ high rise building smack dab in the middle of Buckhead (Atlanta) that is subsidized by the government. She's right on the doorstep of everything from a Publix grocery store to dentists & doctors. She doesn't qualify for any rental subsidy because her income and assets are too much, but the place only charges her $750.00/mo for a 1/br apartment. They provide some nice health services to the residence who need them, such as physical therapy, which she needs constantly. She's happy as a pig in a poke. The company that owns the place has another development in the suburbs for people who have more serious issues and need more help living on their own. She was on a waiting list for a year and a half until she got in and had to pay almost $2000.00/mo to rent a 1/br apartment just across the street. There are other residents there who provide certain services for people as needed. She has a lady who comes in twice a week who washes her clothes and does some light cleaning around the apartment, and another lady (one of several) who drives people to & from their doctor appointments. It's a huge building of over 600 apartments so there's always someone who lives there who is available to help tenants who need help, for a fee of course. She wears a health monitor that she can press if she ever needs immediate medical care or if she falls, but someone from the office in the building actually calls her every morning to make sure she's okay.

That works great for her but I could never live in such a place. Frankly, I'm scared to death of living in a building with that many old infirm (not to mention all the crazies) people as all the apartments have kitchens & I know how forgetful old people can be about leaving food on a hot burner. Before the pandemic they provided daily meals in their dining hall or as take out. Since the pandemic they've returned to only 1 meal per week that the residents have to pay $9.00 for. Regarding the crazies, the day she moved in the movers had put lots of her belongings out in the hallway as they were moving things into the apartment. She went to the door and looked out and an old woman (who lives on that floor) was there gathering whatever she wanted in preparation to take it back to her apartment. She even had a wooden bookcase she was planning on dragging back to her place. My friend asked her what she was going and the old loon looked at her and said plainly she was taking all that stuff because it was out in the hallway. In fact she had already gotten a few things back to her place and was back for more. She had to get the building management to come up and go into the old fool's apartment and retrieve her stolen belongings. Since then every time my friend sees this old woman in the building she gets a scowl from her. That's another reason I could never live there. I'd be in jail as I would have smacked that old broad across the lips if I'd caught her stealing from me.

Getting old ain't for pussies.

You’re asking DL? D St kinds like you need a lot of help!

“Sounds” like…

OP there are places where you move into an apartment or cottage - Like a regular place (aside from permanently installed "help" buttons on the walls). You have use of the on site amenities/services, including medical staff, but don't have to use them.

You can just live as you do now. But when the time comes you can start using their cleaning, dining, shopping, whathavyou

But when things get more dicey, you get moved - within the same community - to another apartment that's assisted living.

And when things get even worse, they have onsite dementia care and hospice.

But wait lists exist and many like this require a "buy in" so the sooner you start researching and paperworking the better.

The most stubborn eldergay couple that I know moved to an independent living community in their late seventies. One partner was in great health and the other had a series of debilitating strokes and needed help with basic tasks.

Their apartment was cozy and they had part-time caregivers. The sickly spouse died before they had to live in separate quarters and the surviving spouse wishes they'd moved earlier. His experience with aging in place was that it was a logistical nightmare in which they were always at the mercy of unreliable help.

How much money per month or year do these higher quality assisted living compounds cost? Are they more expensive in the north and New England than in Florida? I would imagine a thorough bank account check would happen before one is admitted.

Gurl this rules out 50% of the eldergays on DL!

"Freedom from psychiatric or substance use disorders."

"after my dad died, which she loved"

Doesn't sound very kind of her. Was he an asshole?

Are you having a stroke, r51? I hope you’re in a good independent living facility.

R58, at any given time, there are two kinds of people on DL: those who are having a stroke, and those who are having a wank.

I’m 65 and my husband is 85. He is in early stage Alzheimer’s (short term memory is shot, but long term is intact and no personality changes yet). Physically in good health—works with a trainer at the gym twice a week. His daughter has been pushing us to move into an upscale retirement community (full medical facilities and a memory unit). Upfront is 400,000 and then 10,000 a month. We have the money, but I think such a major move to an unfamiliar place (granted there are a number of his academic colleagues there) would be hard on him and I feel too young to live in such a community. I’d rather do adjustments to our townhouse (add a stairlift for when mobility becomes an issue) and pay for home care if and when needed (we have a good team as, until this year, I had to travel out of town from time to time). He no longer is allowed to drive. It’s hard to predict his life span at 85 in early stage dementia—could be 5 years, could be 10. I also know that if he dies before I do (actuarially probable, barring an accident or something unpleasant like heart or cancer—I’m diabetic, but well-controlled), I would not want to end my days in this smal college town and would want to move back to Chicago, my hometown, where my best friends still live—even if I had to move into assisted living, I’d rather do it there. (His friends here seem to have disappeared once they learned of his decline). So, the balancing act is tricky if you are in a relationship that is “intergenerational.” We’ve been together 28 years—I’d rather spend the money to keep him where he’s happy (and remains happy at the moment)—age in place—than move to even a very nice institution. That may change over time, but I don’t think so.

Just be careful if you expect to rely on homeware. My dad worked through 10 years of cancer rather than retiring to build up a huge safety net for my mom and yet when she eventually needed 24h homecare, because she is a difficult person, and has infirmities but not all that bad, she plowed through that safety net a FAST pace. If she had been healthy and independent, it would have been good yearly income on interest, in addition to all her and my late dads retirement and social security. These were crappy home nurse "aids" and it was pushing up toward 20K a month.

homeware = homeCare

It's time, OP.

[quote] If you can afford it try hiring help and stay in the comfort of your home.

I won't be doing that. My home has stairs and I am terrified of falling down the stairs and NOT dying. I could fall and severely injure myself and then will require a heightened level of care. I am getting rid of these stairs as soon as possible. I want a condo in a building with dining, laundry service and group activities.

I would advise all of you, please, no matter how well off you think you are financially, get rid of as much debt as you can. Car payments, credit card debt, loans, etc. Don't incur new debt if you can avoid it. If you live in a home that is not friendly to aging in place, sell it. Get yourself a condo or a small apartment. Something affordable.

Where are the facilities that offer hot workers who double as escorts?

R36, we've had three or four power outages. I live on the first floor. So I walk out the front door, go down five very shallow steps (they have railings) and walk down the driveway, turn the corner, and go into the parking garage. Never been a problem.

In the future, I'd like to retrofit my two-story condo, but I don't know if that will be possible. I have two sets of stairs, six steps apiece, leading from my garage to the first floor. Then again from the first to second floors (interrupted by a landing). At least any falls won't be too deep.

My partner and I are both retired military, in our 70's, and are eligible to move into the Armed Forces Retirement home. Mentally, he is fine but won't be able walk within a year. Knee surgery is out of the question as he is lazy, pig headed and fat. I'm doing okay, but just so tired of dealing with everything. The home in Gulfport seems ideal as it is a progressive living facility, meaning once you are in they won't throw you out as you digress from Independent living through assisted living then dementia care and finally, death. Plus, it is subsidized from the government, so we only pay 50% of our gross annual salary, but then it goes up gradually until we get to 75% in dementia care. Sound great... but.

Only two things put us off. The room we will be living in is 500 sq feet and we will be living with all retired military folks in Gulfport, Mississippi. The thought of living out my days with MAGA folks, probably, no other queers and finding no real privacy is not encouraging.

Can those retirement homes for the military be any fun though? There can't be many eldergays there? Is it still don't ask, don't tell?

I would feel very out of place in any kind of retirement community, because, even though I'm 72, everyone tells me I look like I'm in my late 30s.

r69 that place doesn't look bad, although the rooms are very small (basically studios). I noticed they don't have hot plates, ovens or stovetops in the kitchens, so that answers the question upthread about the fear of kitchen fires. Hard to burn down the building with a microwave.

It does look well-kept - is this a place for retired military officers only, or rank-and-file military? And it's right on the beach, on the Gulf Coast - beautiful to view, but what about hurricanes? It must take a beating every year.

[quote] Can those retirement homes for the military be any fun though? There can't be many eldergays there? Is it still don't ask, don't tell?

Well, they do have a pool, right on the beach, games, movies, trips, a hotel with casino right across the street. Don't ask and don't tell is gone. It is now legal to have same sex marriages in the military. But, you may be right– not many Eldergays, I presume. That's why is wonder if we would be outcasts or if times had changed. We plan to make a visit there to check it out before we decide, but the price is right.

OP. Same situation for us…not mentioned but fyi- we looked into installing residential elevator (for us and senior pets). Cost was not as horrifying as I thought- about $4-5k - basic install. I know overseas that many countries will pay for this and other type conveniences as they know its cheaper to keep you in your home- not holding my breath that it is do-able in the US.

[quote] It does look well-kept - is this a place for retired military officers only, or rank-and-file military? And it's right on the beach, on the Gulf Coast - beautiful to view, but what about hurricanes? It must take a beating every year.

R72 No officers, enlisted and warrant officers only. The facility was destroyed by a hurricane in 2010 and this is a brand new facility, hurricane proof I assume.

Why are stairs such a rubicon for old people? I'm 71 and the day I can't climb stairs I'm cashing in my chips. My 88 year old mother said stairs are what kept her from hip and knee surgery in the first place. I's just putting one foot in front of the other on a slightly higher level. I get that climbing up concrete stairs with groceries is unpleasant but interior stairs are great for cardio and balance. My old ma even tumbled down her carpeted stairs once and was fine, albeit bruised.

R76 Even if you can do stairs under normal conditions for the rest of your life, what if you have a temporary injury or affliction that makes it impossible? I have a friend who broke both of her ankles at the same time, and since she lived alone in a two-story house, she ended up being kept in a convalescent hospital for over a month.

A more appropriate assisted living situation might involve hiring a houseboy.

He could do the little things like driving, standing in long lines at the stores, household chores, etc. And hiring an occasional handyman for repairs is far cheaper than these living centers.

Just make sure your homeowner's insurance is in order to cover Pablo.

[quote] we looked into installing residential elevator (for us and senior pets). Cost was not as horrifying as I thought- about $4-5k -

I thought an elevator would cost more like $10K to $15K.

Walking UPstairs is easy, for me. It's walking downstairs that I'm starting to dislike.

Why wouldn’t the installation of some soft material at the end of stairways resolve the problem posed with the possibility of hard falls?

[quote] Why are stairs such a rubicon for old people?

R76 It's arthritis that a killer for my partner. We have looked into knee replacement, but he is 73, fat and doesn't want to exercise. It's a struggle for him to walk to the mailbox and back and he has just given up. We already have the motorized wheelchair in the garage waiting for the day he gives up. Body pain is a bitch.

Fully carpet your stairs and then you can crawl up them and slink on your ass down them. And it's still good exercise!

^^ We are not Joan Crawford in 'Baby Jane'. Really!

Topic for discussion: Independent Living is neither independent nor living.

I'll give you a moment. Talk amongst yourselves.

Just have one of those chairs installed you sit in the chair and you ride up and down the stairs. My aunt had one, my cousin has one, and they love it. I have an overweight friend who lives in a town house. She caught COVID and was very sick, confined to her 3rd floor without access to any resources except her bathroom. She learned her lesson. She now has a nice area in the hall outside her room, with a small refrigerator, an electric kettle, and a microwave.

YOu never know when your depth perception is off or you have balance issues or dizzy spells. YOu can break your ankle or your leg or just get sick, surgery, WTF ever. And your caregiver is going to have to run up and down the stairs looking after you, even temporarily. When my grandmother got more frail., we moved her washer and dryer upstairs into her spare bathroom. We converted it to a laundry room. She lived alone and the idea of an 88 yr old going up and down the basement stairs to wash clothes was getting too scary. She resisted and fought us at first, now she loves it.

The stairs chair can be expensive, though. My neighbor has one and, IIRC, it cost $6K

[quote]Just have one of those chairs installed you sit in the chair and you ride up and down the stairs. My aunt had one

Was your aunt Cathleen Nesbitt?

Book yourselves into a step-up community, or join a waiting list.

You start out in independent housing, but step up to more assistive care as needed. If you're lucky, you two will stroke out mid-bang, and die in bed. If you're unlucky, one of you will plotz into a platter of potato salad and the other will hang around for eight years like a cheese fart or your Aunt Linda before you beg that underpaid Haitian nurse to smother you with your Nate Berkus throw pillow.

Stay strong and stay rich, OP. You fellas are going to need it in your golden years!

Not all sets of stairs are amenable to that, R85. And near the end, my mother was too weak to get on her chair.

R86 the cost of a chair may be partly covered by Medicare. Check to see. R89, you're right.

[quote]Why are stairs such a rubicon for old people?

Sometimes for young people, too.

This continuing care community in Santa Barbara looks nice. I'm considering it, but I'd have to change my health insurance if I moved there (no Kaiser in SB.)

Has anyone lived in, or know anyone who's lived in, the LGBT retirement place in Santa Rosa, CA? It looks quite upscale.

If you're in a home that has no hazards and you're able to hire a bit of help one or two days a week, that might be better for now.

I wish I could hire a houseboy once a week.

And bonus points if he was hot and shirtless, of course.

Wow that place at r93 is quite nice. The rooms are spacious and the food looks great, it seems pricy. Is it strictly for LGBT? I can't make out from the website if its strictly for LGBT or just LBGT-friendly.

R93 I am amused at "senior residences" that show active, happy, healthy seniors and those that show... no humans; just decor, architecture, and landscaping. So for LGBT - no aging bodies, just good style?

If you have the resources to afford some of these upscale places, why wouldn't you just pay for outside help to come in and stay in the place you love? (assuming you love your home, have paid for it already etc.)

I suppose there is the additional benefit of human community/activities... beyond the medical care. I am 72 and still going to rock concerts and hanging in the mosh pits, not quite ready for "watercolor class in the commons room at 3:00pm".... "travel night tonight! videos of the Croation coast!!"

When I had to take care of my mother (She was 92 when she died) there was no Uber or Instacart or DoorDash. No meal plans you could order. So my plan is to have a cleaning service come in two or three times a month, get a meal service like Hello, Fresh or Martha Stewart, have groceries delivered as needed, and make use of Uber or Lyft when necessary. I still drive, but no freeways. My place is small (1000 SF) and I can maintain the bathroom and kitchen and do my own laundry. I do think trying to maintain your independence and do things for yourself is a very good thing. Because the less you do for yourself, the less you are able to do. Exercise. Every single Day. At least 30-45 minutes. If you must, break it up into 10-15 minute increments. But do it.

[quote]When is it time to move into Independent Living?

Well, this is DL, so I'm guessing 35?

r98 I used to teach Driver Safety classes for AARP. One thing I always pointed out was that, with all of the services we have available now that our parents did not -- e.g., Amazon, Uber, Doordash, etc.) -- there's really not nearly as much need as there used to be for owning a car. And owning a car is EXPENSIVE now. If you do the math, you could pay for a lot of deliveries and Uber/Lyft rides as well as the occasional car rental for far less than the cost of owning, maintaining, and driving a car.

OP you should have been in seven years ago! No independent living for you!

R100 you make some good practical sense. But, and I speak only for myself, I do love to just go out and go shopping. Grocery shopping is not a chore for a retiree. At least most of the time. And even though I "window shop" online for clothes, furniture I don't need, and home decor, real estate, etc. I like to go to the Mall and walk around. I do furniture stores and high end estate sales too. Rarely ever buy anything but love to look. So I want to keep the car for a while.It's 11 yrs old with low mileage.

[quote]I can't make out from the website if its strictly for LGBT or just LBGT-friendly.

Right on the linked page:

[quote]Fountaingrove Lodge is an LGBTQ+ and Ally retirement community set on a lush campus with beautiful views, industry-renowned dining, and an abundance of on-site amenities.

I wonder if the neighbors complain about the incessant hissing coming from that place.

"industry renowned dining and an abundance of on-site amenities..." Gurl, all I got to say is that shit better be good. I'm talking 5 star good. And for me "abundant amenities" includes massages with very happy endings.

As one who’s never used Uber/Lyft - except once, in the company of a much younger friend, he arranged for an Uber pick-up for us - what’s the typical wait time? Also, what’s the average cost for short, routine trips. And is it as easy as simply ordering a ride on your App?

R102, exactly. People act as though driving were a chore that people would be happy to give up if only there were an alternative.

In fact, lots of us of all ages enjoy it and enjoy the independence it brings. For old people (I am one), driving around on little errands is one of the little pleasures of life.

At a certain point, one must curtail one's driving. Eventually, it becomes unsafe to drive. This is a moment of tragedy for many, and not just because it's harder to get around. That's not a justification for driving past the age when it's safe. I'm just pointing out that having to rely on Uber/Lyft and deliveries is a psychological blow for many people.

[quote]what’s the typical wait time? Also, what’s the average cost for short, routine trips. And is it as easy as simply ordering a ride on your App?

R106, wait time depends on where you are. In a downtown area, wait times are usually very short - 5 minutes or so. In my busy suburb, it's about 10-15 minutes. I'm sure in more remote areas, it's longer. This also depends on time of day. Late at night, waits will be longer. You can order Uber ahead of time to arrive at a specific time; I've never done this but I hear it works pretty well.

I most recently used Uber to and from Pep Boys when I left my car for an oil change and inspection. It's about 1.5 miles. I waited about 5 minutes on one trip but > 15 on the return. The trips were between $8 and $11. Trips to and from a restaurant about 7 miles away were between $15 and $20 each way. This was in the evening, and I think there's a surcharge at that time, but I'm not sure.

In other words, it isn't cheap.

Yes, once you get the hang of the app, which isn't complicated, it's as simple as summoning the ride.

I discovered that it also depends on when I use Lyft or Uber for the airport, or for whenever you need car service. Because rates are higher during "primetime." If I'm going to a play or any event in the evening I use Lyft or Uber rather than paying to park and driving home late in the evening. I don't drive freeways. I use my own car for errands and shopping and day light visiting. You can book your ride in advance like the day or night before.

It's fascinating that some of you datalounge queens are falling apart in your seventies. My father was commuting into NYC FIVE days a week until he was 91. He would take the railroad to Grand Central then a shuttle to Times Square then another train to the Penn Station area- while dragging a heavy bag of his looseleaf notebooks- he did not use a laptop. He would repeat this process in the evening. SIX trains a day five days a week. He had macular degeration and diabetes but did not let these issues stop him from going into the office everyday. He was the only person on the train into the city still wearing a suit and tie- no one does anymore.

Where we live there are 350 units in several buildings. I walk the complex every day for exercise, and see a number of older adults. We're all sort of aging in place. I have been considering the option of suggesting a carpool type arrangement, from time to time but not sure how I would want to structure it.

R110 -- Obviously your dad had good genes, but his attitude also helped keep him active. My mom is 86, up to his death a year ago she was pretty tied down with taking care of my dad - who wasn't helpless or that ill but could no longer be left alone. In the last year she has really picked up on her active socializing. She can still drive fine during the day, and she does all her own shopping, cooking & housework with bi-monthly help from me for heavier chores. With friend she goes to the Y for exercise classes, walks in a local park, has monthly card, lunch and game groups, she's always reading a library book - her taste runs to murder and mayhem; and she joined a new tennis group for the fall - as she puts it "they're all terrible players, but so am I." She simply refuses to sit and wither away, which is at least half the battle. Her parents were also very robust into their early nineties, so obviously she has great genes too, but it's her mental outlook I most admire and want to emulate. My dad died at 88, but he always had more of a doom & gloom outlook and I can see how that limited him during the last 8 years of his life.

I live in a 70's split-entry house. (yes, one of THOSE). My living areas (kitchen, living room, bedrooms) are all upstairs, but the garage opens to a level entry into the lower level. Some previous owner converted the downstairs bathroom to a roll-in shower by removing the tub there and also installed a murphy bed in the family room down there. The person who lived there obviously had become infirm or maybe even wheelchair bound. I've had the murphy bed removed and that large downstairs room is now my music room and the home to two large pianos - but I could easily reconvert my house to single level living by getting rid of my pianos and music bookcases (the laundry is also downstairs). There's no kitchen downstairs, but if I were in the sort of shape where I'd need to make that sort of conversion, I'd probably just use a hot plate and a microwave. I hope I never need to do that, but at least I can see how it could be done without my needing to move. Obviously, if I were to develop a debilitating condition, I'd need to rethink that. I wish that a person knew for sure that he was developing Alzheimer's, because I think most of us would opt for suicide - but I think by the time it's obvious to everyone else, you've passed the point of making that decision for yourself.

[quote]When is it time . . .

When you've given up on life.

R113 - Chris Hemsworth had a DNA test revealing that like past family members, he is a likely candidate for the disease.

[quote]In the context of eldercare, independent living is seen as a step in the continuum of care, with assisted living being the next step.

I live independently now, with no one's help, supervision, or direction, and I intend to continue to do so. Only if I needed special care on a daily basis would I look into some special form of housing.

People have been living in their own homes until they die for some considerable time. What's the purpose of segregating into some special "entirely capable of looking after oneself but getting older" stage with other able people of roughly the same age? Why would I want that? For the pleasure of people who want to be surrounded by their own age group and who want to ease into death one artificially defined Life Stage after another? Fuck no.

Needing special care is one thing. Self-segregating into "living communities" of people who have no current need for special communities seems nuts to me.

[quote]QUESTION: How Old Do You Have to Be for Senior Living?

[quote]ANSWER: Active Fifties

[quote]For most independent living communities, seniors as young as 55 can take advantage of living in a vibrant independent living community. There is no upper age limit, meaning that as long as you maintain an independent lifestyle, you can live in an independent living community for a long time.

Twelve years before most Americans can retire with full Social Security benefits people are capable enough to hold down a job but need the security of "independent living"? It seems a sham to create a specialty housing market where none is needed but for a few.

I wouldn't join one of these communities unless I really had no choice, but that's because I'm a crotchety introvert whose idea of hell is being forced to socialize with people who I find tiresome, and who would no doubt find me tiresome as well. I did enough of that in my corporate life.

However, if you are a highly sociable person, if you don't have much use for kids or teens, and if you simply no longer want to be bothered with tasks like taking out the garbage, cutting the lawn, buying and preparing food, cleaning the house, etc, I can see the appeal.

Personally, I've noticed that people who continue to do those tasks -- gardening, shopping, cooking -- seem to be much healthier mentally and physically than those who don't. But who knows; I could be confusing cause and effect.

R112- Your mother is extremely active- in every way. I'm impressed. When my father was in his seventies he was traveling by himself to Pakistan for the telecommunications business.

My father died almost three years ago- he was on a medication that was for an infection in his toe related to diabetes. This medication caused him to fall- he fell one time too many. He was on dialysis ( his kidney function had declined because of the diabetes) and after he hit his head he went to dialysis which spread the bleeding in his head and he went into a coma and did not survive. His brother- my uncle is 94 and still goes into the office 4 days a week ( since covid the office is closed on Friday)

Don’t….it’s the most depressing life you can imagine…… even though you’re their age, feel like you’re stuck with a bunch of old, miserable people

I use to work at an agency that provided services and funding for Older Adults. There have been several studies done that show intergenerational living environments are the healthiest, and aging in place is the best option. Just look around you at your home. You don't have to be elderly. Ask yourself, how can I function right now, if I have major surgery, or break a leg or a hip?

I have an apartment with a small, galley kitchen, and bathroom with a stand up shower, very close to the bedroom. It takes me two hours to thoroughly clean my place, my washer/dryer is in my unit. I think I'm good if something happens. I think you can find assessments online to evaluate your living environment and your daily routine to help you decide when you need to downsize and adjust your living arrangements.

Independent living is what we're all doing right now. If you move into an age focused congregate housing arrangement many people find it depressing. My own mother loved her Senior Citizens' apartment. She gossiped with neighbors, played bingo, went on shopping excursions, and attended every ice cream social and sing- a- long. She was 82 when she moved there. If I had to live in that place I'd slit my wrists, but she was happy. It is better than living alone. Living alone in isolation is very bad for cognitive skills. Very bad.

[quote]Because rates are higher during "primetime."

So, it's up to Muriel?

Yes, R122. I thought you knew Muriel owns Uber and Lyft thru several shell companies and pseudonyms.

R121, yes, you're talking about independent living within a age-restricted community, I think. That's what most people who are still healthy but are downsizing are looking for. I'm looking at places like that myself right now.

R116, people who do this are usually downsizing. They want to move, so they might as well move into a senior community. These places are full of people who are entirely independent. It’s not the same as assisted living, even though many posts in this thread confuse the two. They often do offer some services that are useful as you age, but you don't have to use them if you don't want to. The units are also designed for people who don't get around as well as they used to, which is good to know for the future even if you're fine now.

As to why someone would choose a retirement community instead of just buying a new, smaller place to live in the general market, the big answer is NO KIDS. No loud parties. Peace and quiet. You may not want that, but lots of us do. I’m ready for Del Boca Vista myself.

The appeal of continuing care communities is the freedom from worry as you age. Perhaps you are able to forget the future and hope for the best, but some people do worry about what will happen as they become more dependent. They don’t want to burden their families or maybe they don’t have families. Knowing that you can easily get extra services in your home and eventually move to assisted living if you need to do so is comforting to worriers.

R115, it’s one thing to know when the disease has started you on the downhill course. It’s another to know ahead of time, when you’re still healthy. Who the hell would want to know something like that? Between the depression, the existential dread, and watching every second for some sign of onset, it would ruin every minute of whatever time you had left.

My mom died at 69. They lived in a high rise condo on the Chesapeake Bay. After her death he just gave up. He lived for years and we asked him if he was interested in looking into a new independent living facility near me. He said he would be up to a visit. Then he started making snide remarks to me about me moving him into a closet and was pretty rude. I told him I would cancel our appointment with the facility and to just sit here and rot. Then he was very nice to me and said he would go to the appointment and we did. He signed for a one bedroom apartment (brand new). One of his complaints was living with a bunch of old people. Well he loved that place and made all kinds of friends. Played bridge, they had some nice parties and he was very happy. He just needed to be around people!

[quote] How much money per month or year do these higher quality assisted living compounds cost?

If they're not government subsidized you're looking at thousands per month. I know of one building in Savannah, Ga. that charges $3400/mo for a one bedroom apt., utilities included. Clearly unless you're in the money you'll need a subsidized unit wherever you go.

One thing I am paranoid about since I live alone and I am in my 60's, is clean clothes. I remember well, how after my grandmother died, my mother had to always check my grandpa's closet to make sure he wasn't wearing dirty shirts and pants. So I am very careful about how many times I wear something before laundering it. I want to make sure I b rush off the lint and get rid of the wrinkles always look fresh.

R110 - do you think you will continue to work into your nineties like your dad and uncle, or just remain active and engaged with the world as a retiree? The biggest surprise my mom gave me recently was back in 2016 when she asked me to take her to see Hamilton -“because that’s what’s happening in the culture right now.”

The time to move into Independent Living is before you're contemplating the problem being discussed by the posters in this thread.

Nah, stay in your home. Get a cute houseboy to help out.

I plan to stay in my home but will hire Nora and Ito to help me out.

[quote]The time to move into Independent Living is before you're contemplating the problem being discussed by the posters in this thread.

Why not have your parents sign you up at birth to ensure a good position in a good facility?

Maybe it's a lack of foresight, but I just don't see myself devoting too many years to preparing to be old and unable to look after myself.

Just say "Alexa, clean my house!"

Yes, R134. Perfect solution. The point is we have access to supportive services now that didn't exist for our parents or grandparents.

Hopefully robots will be more advanced & available in the years to come.

Yes, R133, if you are over 50 or so, it's a lack of foresight.

So many boomers (and, now, older Gen Xers) think they'll never get old, never need help, never get sick, never die. If you're very rich, it's fine to live like that because there will always be enough money to deal with sudden changes. The rest of us have to plan or end up in bad circumstances.

R124 - Yes. Your responses to R116 and R122 describe the impetus behind the goals of myself and a few of my friends. Some of us are in our 60s, others approaching 60.

America is full of people like R133.

They're all broke. They all stink. They all wish they were dead.

But MAN, did they have a blast in their twenties.

R133 is in his sixties, doesn't live in the U.S., isn't broke or in much danger of being, doesn't smell too bad, and doesn't wish he were dead.

But like a stopped clock, R139, you're sometimes right I did enjoy my twenties - and no less every subsequent decade of my adult years.

Op the time was yesterday.