Let's be LinkedIn !

I'm an Influencer's Influencer.

I'm the overwhelming deluge of "inspirational" posts. Reposts or stories or "articles" praising some female or transgender-related policy some company has initiated, or inspirational stories about people walking to work who were gifted cars by their coworkers, followed by the stated "life lesson" the poster wants us to learn from this 15 minute cliche ramble that nobody's actually reading.

I'm the LinkedIn logo, slowly....ever..so..slowly.....morphing into the FaceBook logo. Before you know it, the site will be a sea of grandmas posting their sauce recipes and daily devotionals and long lost high school "friends" reaching out to "connect".

I'm "Open to Work"

I’m the ex who finds you on LinkedIn you make the mistake of engaging with.

I would fit the OP's profile, but I never graduated high school. Does it show?

I'm a repost of someone's drivel about how inclusion and tolerance and listening and acceptance actually enhance profits.

The repost is followed with "Words to live by. We do well when we do good!"

I am posted by the most vicious, backstabbing, judgemental fucking asshat you have ever worked with.

I'm the straight guy whose wife forced him to use a couples picture for his profile picture.

I'm the vocational counselor who tells people they need 500 or more Linkedin connections in order to be taken seriously by prospective employers.

I’m “OPEN TO WORK”!

I’m the post with #diversityfair #[company]valuesdei by a photo of a registration table manned by two brown people handing out rainbow flags to the company’s only wheelchair-bound employee.

Caption: So proud to be part of a company that truly values diversity, equity and inclusion across all dimensions!

I’m the pursed lips, with aloof, righteous and chiding tone seething from every post.

I look for a reason to attend every possible reunion I can. I frequently offer to escort legitimate possible attendees.

I’m your unattractive, middle aged and divorced coworker from 5 years ago who periodically checks your profile at 3 AM. I am not aware that you are being alerted every time I look at your profile.

I’m all the mean girls from high school who got pregnant and dropped out. We are all “entrepreneurs” Selling essential oils, makeup, supplements, etc. on LinkedIn now.

I’m the obvious AI headshot, featuring a swan-like neck, suspiciously smooth skin & hair, perfect teeth and vaguely professional looking background.

^ We know what you look like IRL

You forgot beeswax candles r15

I’m happy to share that I’m starting a new position as (Acting) Deputy Head Trolley Collector at Walgreens Sacramento.

The amount of grandstanding and peacocking is nauseating. I honestly don't understand it.

How many people hang out on LinkedIn if they aren't looking for a job? Not a ton. I know because I used to buy ads (albeit 8 years ago) on that platform and it was really hard to get the ad impressions because people you wanted to target didn't login very often.

Is anyone ever truly impressed by LinkedIn posts? Or the humble-brags about new positions or certifications or whatever? I never am.

I'm Starting a New Position! Except my Walgreens Sacramento was bought by CVS, and it's the same shitty position as before. And also, I didn't know you had to change settings to prevent LinkedIn from blasting to everyone that I had a new job when nothing changed. And also, why did that asshole from high school comment "lol"?

I’m the post bragging about my fictional amazing life where I get up at 4:30 to do my yoga followed by sun greetings and journalling. Ready to reap the day at 6:00, lazy bitches!!!

I'm the completely misstated (nearly lying) job duties. The profile owner's former coworkers all know it's BS and apparently s/he they or it didn't learn that lying on a paper resume only seen by a few is one thing, but publicly broadcasting your lies is another.

I’m the Real Cunts of Weho aka Datalounge who view people’s profiles to be cynics, instead of networking or finding employment.

I'm r24, an HR recruiter

I am superior. I live in TORONTO. almost. Oshawa.

I’m a marketing communications leader who brings strategy, empathy and focus to the teams I lead.

Also a feminist and an ally.

In real life I’m a straight, white manchild who just loves buying vinyl, is a fucking chancer who was promoted due to my ass kissing excellence and casually demean and undermine women daily.

Dayum some of yall taking sociopathic coworkers out on LinkedIn. Damn.

r13=Kim Fung Toi

I’m a specialist in CONTENT STRATEGY!

Work from home only. $120K minimum base salary, full benefits.

I’m probably one of the few people who actually enjoy LinkedIn because I work in a very niche creative field. I like sharing my work on LinkedIn with others in my field.

Whenever I share my work on other social media sites, it doesn’t get the same attention. Yes, there are a lot of annoying things about LinkedIn but if you genuinely love your job and are connected with others in the same field, it can be enjoyable

But yes, there are a lot of annoying things about LinkedIn and I don’t blame people for mocking it. There are a lot of phony people who pat themselves on the back and portray themselves as being more important than they actually are but isn’t every social media site like that now?

I'm the lengthy post crash out that inevitably followed your company going belly up thanks to a worthless American hedge fund pig, a crash out that went viral because it included all the details listed in the bankruptcy filings, including how the executives enriched themselves as the company was skidding into the ditch and the long service workers lost their severance pay.

Yes, r32. When the mask comes off, LinkedIn can become very interesting.

I'm the HR and recruiters who complain about candidates not sending follow-up emails or other etiquette.

Meanwhile I ghost all candidates, require 5-7 interviews, ask wild and inappropriate questions during interviews to 'test them', and low-ball offers.

I believe unicorns exist with 15 years experience, great attitudes, willing to work a lot of overtime in a big expensive city for $50-$60,000 a year.

I'm *HELL. And I'm ALL the circles.

(*Otherwise known as LinkedIn).

I’m a verified account so I get 8x more views.