OK DL Doctors & Nurses Part II: Raleigh to the Rescue!

Love the title OP. Sweet dreams to you both

Thanks for the new thread OP. Belly rubs for Raleigh.

Yassss

Great to see another thread.

Hey OP, snazzy new thread! You owe us a photo of your furry overlord, no pressure. His eyes are AMAZING! OK, maybe a wee bit of pressure.

Do fireworks go off where you are, or will Sir Chonky be spared from the horror? Hope your week has gone well, and you have been spared the heat we are getting in the SF Bay Area. Any plans for the 4th, or are you just going to nest at home? I have officially hit my "seen one firework, seen them all" stage of life personally,

Hi All-

I just got back from a funeral service this morning. One of the members of my support group died last week. I don't usually see them outside of the group, but he was a baseball fan and he got me into his team. We were supposed to go to a game back in March but I couldn't go when he could because I was having chemo that day. I tried to get him to other games, but by that time, I think he was just too weak.

I have to indirectly credit him with me getting my cat. I hadn't thought about going to a game at all before he asked me and when I couldn't go on the date he was available, another friend offered to go with me a couple days earlier, which started the joy spiral and led to Raleigh.

He was a really great guy. He had stopped coming to the group after showing up one week where he just looked so gaunt and had lost so much weight, I think he was embarrassed. Or maybe he could see the pity in everyone's eyes? I don't know. I would text or email him about Cubs games and after a while I stopped hearing back. But I still did it. Even if they lost, I wanted to tell him something good one of the team had done. I would like to think he was seeing them.

Something one of his friends let slip out during one of the eulogies made me think that perhaps it was an assisted suicide, which I am all for if one is in extreme pain or has no quality of life. He was just always so upbeat and positive. I felt like a demon in his presence because I am the opposite of upbeat and positive, but he made you want to be that way for him. It was definitely interesting to hear about his younger, wilder, and not so upbeat years. He was 43. It should have been another of us from the group instead of him.

The service was packed. There were close to 200 people there, and about a half dozen or so people spoke. They started to say a rosary for him afterwards and I tried to sit through it, but my back and leg were killing me, and by the third mystery, I remembered why I stopped being Catholic at age 15.

I hate that I never got him to a game. I'll miss him.

Confolences OP. He does sound like a great guy.

OP, so so sorry to hear this. But a Cubbies- are you from Chicago? I am too.

I'm not, but I became a Cubs fan this season because my friend was a Cubs fan and we were going to go see them play the Angels, so I wanted to get to know the team. Then I realized this season that there were a number of players I liked from other teams who were now playing for the Cubs. Before I knew it, I was following them along with my other teams (Mets, Mariners).

Love how much passion you have for life, friendships and new things, OP!

The close up photo that you posted of Raleigh’s dear face is so absolutely goofy and sweet - that is 100% happiness!! So happy you started a new thread. Happy almost 4th Everybody!!

Mr. E, how are you feeling about late next week I am going away for 2 days early next week and will be back late Wed night. Would Thurs the 13th or Fri the 14th work for you?

Hey OP, either day is fine by me!

Hi - I hope that everyone had a Happy 4th of July! Little Sunny’s back legs started to buckle and he was extremely fretful over the 4th of July. I am in the “season of things being not great - car, finances, my mom, my sanity” Everything will turn around but my mom who clogged the double sink, and put a package of bagels in the dishwasher and a package of ground Turkey in a mixing bowl on a top shelf is stressing me out in the extreme. ….. I spent hours at the vet yesterday - his comment “I hope we won’t have to put him down” echoed in my head all day. Upshot I spent most of my rent money on Sunny yesterday. he looks good aside from his kidneys. Thank God. They prescribed a special diet for to prevent renal failure, antibiotics and starting tomorrow I have to take him into the vet for the next 7 days for subcutaneous fluids. how many days will go by before Sunny figures out I am going to snatch him up and put him in the carrier for a ride? my mom wanders so I’ll have to load her up with the walker and the cat. It is supposed to be up to 104 in the valley by the end of the week. At least my spare and crazy unit of 3 is intact and it will just be another adventure. ….. Thank you for listening. I am an extremely optimistic person but I have felt so sad this week. this too shall pass……. OP I hope that you have a good Dr’s appt this week and everyone is getting tan and happy!

OP, please link original thread.

R14, it's actually quite easy to give SubQ fluids at home if running the cat to the vet every day is too taxing. I did it for my cat every three days for two years. I was very worried about having to do it, but it worked out fine. I hope she gets better!

Here you are R15

Hi OP, hope things are purring along nicely in your realm. Speaking of....I believe we were promised more Raleigh snaps? Just a gentle reminder. Please note, the reminders will become less gentle the longer you starve us out. I kid, I kid. Kinda.

I hope you don't mind, but in the meantime I am bringing this amazing one from the last thread. His eyes are truly phenomenal!

R16 Thank you so much for letting me know about doing the Sub Q fluids at home - I am so grateful and relieved that Sunny is doing SO MUCH better! Usually if I have to take him in the car I just have him on the harness - he rides in the car like a dog. But I have been taking him in the Sherpa carrier to the vet and Lord, Lord can you hear him howling from where you are? I think since the original crazy couple who had Sunny as a baby would lock him up and he would knock screens out to escape them - he has real trouble with being in a carrier. I have a few more appts for them to do the fluids and I take over next week. I used to have a dog that I gave insulin but that is over in a few moments. Do you have any tips on keeping the cat relaxed when you give the fluids at home? Did you put Kitty on a counter? ………….Hey OP - Have you gotten your test results? I hope everything is alright. I’m so sorry - I didn’t mean to hijack the thread - I know this is a big week for you!

Hey OP, what's next week looking like for you? As of now, I just have a French lesson on Monday at 12:30, other than that, very unemployed.

Hey, MrE, I am so sorry this week got away from me. I was supposed to go on this short trip, but I wound up putting it off because I wasn't feeling 100%. Lots of back and leg aches and I could not feature driving for 12 hours over two days. I also met with my orthopedist and we are discussing spinal surgery for the end of August as long as I get an all clear from everyone.

And then I kept getting my production meeting pushed back and back and it finally happened today and I'm no more satisfied about things than I had been. And I had to blow up my whole day to accommodate THEM because of last minute moves. So it's just been a bad week.

How about Wednesday? Any time is good!

Aww I’m sorry about everything- take it easy. As far as spine surgery- my friend recently had one for a compacted (I forget the term now) spine, and found out that he had forgotten that he had a hernia surgery with mesh, and things went downhill from there. He just had the new hernia surgery last week, but his spine is feeling great!

Anytime Wednesday looks good for me.

Argh that’s me at r22

Having a bit of a rough time this weekend. Finally talked to my oncologist (by phone because I had to move the appt thanks to work shit and I was none too pleased) and he's being very evasive. He wants me to start on Avastin (which I took in conjunction w all my other chemo drugs during that time I just finished). I asked him about other possibilities, but he wouldn't talk about it on the phone and insisted I come in. He said all my scans look good and that things are getting smaller, but that they won't ever go away.

I looked up Avastin and the side effects are quite troubling- high BP, clots, strokes, etc. and the normal dose for second line defense is every 2-3 weeks for 22 rounds. That's over a year that I can't go anywhere for an extended period of time or travel for work. It also means I have to put off my back surgery because this medication impairs wound healing. So I get to be in pain with no exercising for another year.

Also, I think i mentioned that my other doctor casually dropped the nugget of info about me having a mutation (as if I already knew) a few weeks back. I asked my oncologist what that was about and he said yes, you have a mutation but it's a good thing. (And of course, my head was spinning so much about the Avastin that I neglected to ask what mutation.) However, when I went online, I could find NO evidence of a mutation in colon cancer being beneficial. Not one. I know it isn't Lynch Syndrome, because I was tested for that the first time around in 2016. If it's BRAF or KRAS, then I'm looking at 20 months. At this point, I'm starting to make lists of things to get rid of so that the place isn't so cluttered when I die.

I have an appointment with another oncologist on Aug 2 for a second opinion, and I'm also going to make an appt at UCLA to get a third opinion. But needless to say, it's been a very depressing weekend. I think Raleigh has picked up on it because he hasn't left my side.

Wow OP - damn that’s crummy. I am so sorry! I googled Avastin and there is so much about it = it could be all sorts of different reasons they are giving it to you. But you are right - the side effects sound unpleasant to say the least. I think that it is awful that you have to wait until Aug 2 for the appointment - the anxiety will drive you crazy! ….I am glad that you are getting a second and third opinion. I have said it before - the fact that you have stayed sane and pleasant this year shows what a strong character you have. I hope that your A C is working. Give Raleigh a Boop.

Dang OP, that sucks about Avastin and your spine surgery. Would it be possible to start the drug after your spine surgery at all? It's only a month wait to start the drug after surgery.

Could it be a blood mutation instead? And don't feel obligated to meet up if you don't feel up to it.

No, I would like to meet up, and I promise not to be all doom and gloom. Let me know what time works Wed.

All day, you chose the time- it was Alfred, right? The one by Glossier is closed- the one on Melrose place is still open.

Oh, you're kidding! I loved that one in the atrium. I did notice it was getting smaller and smaller. I just made a 9am appt on Wed w/ my oncologist to go over things, so how about 10:30am at Melrose Pl? Is that too early?

10:30 is fine. I'll be wearing an obnoxious neon orange hat and shoes. Don't be surprised by my visage :)

I'll wear a Cubs cap

Confirming, but asking you to give me a short grace period just in case the dr keeps me waiting and I'm late. My appt is at 9am and it's just an information thing, but he loves to be fashionably late. The coffee place is not even 10 min away, so 10:30 should be fine, but be patient since I don't have a way to alert you. Thanks : )

Hey no worries! I live a 10 minute walk away.

Sitting inside.

I’m looking at 11. I’m sorry!

If you haven’t left yet, the Glossier in the alley is open, but has a limited menu- it’s the “Glossier” Alfred.

Hey OP - I hope that your appointment with your Dr went well.

It wasn't great, but I am still processing things I was told in the meeting and then also the reports I got afterwards. It's a very confusing time right now, but as soon as I know what's what, I'll let you all know.

I'm also a little pissed off at my producing partner, who is the only one, business-wise, who knows about my cancer and who got super passive-aggressive with me when I told her I needed another day to get something together that there really isn't quite the ticking clock as she imagines. It's my project and I brought her on (with zero experience) and some days she acts like I work for her.

Right now, I'm having coffee, gearing up to get to work on it after finishing this week's ep of And Just Like That and rubbing a fat cat's belly.

At least yesterday wasn't a total drag. MrE and I had a fantastic time at coffee. MrE, when I left and was on my way to the car, I checked my watch and realized we had been sitting talking for almost 3 1/2 hours. I swear the time flew by. Thank you for that!

It was my pleasure OP, I was also shocked to find out how much time has passed by. You've had an interesting life, and I really like how passionate you are about your projects. Send me that link about the Glam Rock/Weimar Berlin chanteuse guy please.

That's nice, you two. I tried to have a chatty coffee date today, but the bus into town was not running so we postponed. Drat.

OP - Glad to hear you and Mr E were able to get together and put a face to “post.” Is the heat a problem for you? It is probably more comfortable than the freezing (for LA) weather for months. ….. Frustrating about your producing partner - but isn’t that always the way? That has happened to me in times past - you really like someone work wise - you are a cheerleader or mentor and somehow the tables turn and it gets wonky. I hate that. Good luck - I hope that smooths out…….. I took Sunny for his final Subcutaneous fluid appt yesterday. Efore I do it myself. I should have skipped it. The vet tech Samantha was really good with Sunny - she helped me get the needle in and hold it and keep him calm. I was pretty ready - BUT I prepaid and had one more yesterday. Samantha wasn’t there - it was another girl. We went in back - i unzipped the top of the carrier and this big girl reached in and snatched Bony little old Sunny by the scruff of his neck and held him up in the air with his little feet flying - she grabbed him up like he was a feral raccoon! Sam and I had left him in his carrier for the procedure - this gal wrapped him in a blanket and roughly in the table - Sunny was screaming - then she got a huge LONGGG needle like a crochet hook and jammed him with it - he kept seaming and pulled away and she reached her arm up and was ready to jam it again - I finally stopped being a worm and told her to stop manhandling him and to get a smaller needle . I was SO MAD - I have to start doing this for him everyday - after that we are both going to be tentative. I am going to have to let the vet know about it - I just don’t know what to say. It was really bad after receiving such good care there. ….. Oh - I thought this is funny. for any “Sopranos” people. My birthday was Tuesday. my mom was super weepy and agitated over who knows what. Then she starts with the “I’m going to DIE Today!” I told her “Don’t you DARE die on my birthday!” Then I thought - OMG - I am living with Livia Soprano! by the afternoon she wanted to get her Real Estate License back. ……. sorry for the ramblings - I hope everyone has a well and happy Saturday!

OMG, how HORRIBLE for you and Sunny. I would absolutely report her to the vet. And I am so glad you are doing it yourself from now on. If you have any questions about it, please reach out, because I am an old hand at it. You can definitely do smaller, thinner needles, but I will say that the smaller the needle, the longer the fluids will take, so if Sunny is not patient (and really, few cats are), then you may opt to go for a small/medium sized needle (and I can look up both gauges I used and let you know). But you shouldn't need a gigantic needle like you described.

I will also say this- the tinier the needle, the easier it is to slip out of her scruff, so don't get one too small, thinking it's going to hurt her less. It will definitely take more time to do the fluid and you may find you have to put it in more than once.

I don't know how you plan to have things set up, and obviously you should do what works best for Sunny and makes her most comfortable. With my cat, we were on the floor, and I put him in his large bed, which was in the dining room bordering the kitchen. I got everything ready before I even came near him- Put the tubing in the bag, got the needle attached, etc. (whatever needed to be done at the stage the bag was in) and hung it on a pole I got so that it was very vertical and could drip as quickly as possible. Then i got the cat, put him in his bed and inserted the needle. He didn't like it, and some days he was squirrelly and tried to escape, and some days he did escape. If this happens with Sunny, don't terrorize her, let her go and pick up on the next dose. Some is better than none.

Good luck and Happy Birthday!

OP - You are a Rock Star - your voice was in my head - the Sub Q Whisperer! I did Sunny’s first fluid treatment - I won’t jinx myself but it went so well that I almost let him go because I thought I wasn’t doing it at all! … He has been sort of nervous and fussy since that appt on Friday. He hid a lot yesterday. I read your nice post last night and it bolstered my resolve and I got towels and a little bed set on the Long bathroom counter so I would be ready. After his breakfast this morning I did some running around but then set my resolve - I warmed his fluid bag - got it all ready - then I couldn’t find him!! Poor guy - it turns out that I had accidentally shut him in the garage for 4 hours! But I got him - he was sort of funky twisty in the towel I tented his skin and slid the 18 needle in - and promptly forgot how to turn on the saline flow!!! I flipped it one way and he yowled so that must have been it. I just remembered you saying that if he doesn’t get it all or if it isn’t perfect that doesn’t matter - just do it again the next day. Thank you for being my mental cheerleader! Sunny is super relaxed now so I think that it worked! THANK YOU! …. I hope that you and sweet Raleigh are having a happy day!

Oh, I'm so glad you are feeling more confident about it. (And sorry, Sunny- I thought you were a girl for some reason!)

I'm here if you need anything more. Glad you conquered it and I'm sure it will start to feel like a habit for both of you soon enough.

Well - first Sunny is spelled the female way. Not the male Sonny way. The crazy Manson like girl who would lock him in her hoarder house his first year called him “Sunshine” - this woman was just so icky that I just couldn’t call him that but he knew his name - so I just called him Sunny for his sweet personality. my other cats passed away in the last 3 years, so as Sunny has reached 15 I have babied him so much he has turned into a little cat version of “Niles Crane!” He is unusually beautiful though. My other cats passed away before I could do anything about it. Being able to give Sunny the fluids to give us more time means the world to me. …… How is your scalp OP - was your Dr able to give you any relief for it?

Hi OP and Raleigh ands friends! I hope that everyone had a good week. I can’t believe that July is (almost) over. Where did it go? I hope that everyone is staying cool and maybe even having some fun this weekend.

Hey all, sorry for not posting as much lately. Gearing up for surgery tomorrow on my spine, which will have me recovering at home steadily for a couple weeks afterwards, so plenty of time to post then. I've just been trying to "bend-proof" the apartment this week before then. I've bought some old man "grabbers" and an extended litter scoop. I set Raleigh's food up on the dining room table, so now we get to eat together for the next month.

I have some new news regarding my chemo journey. None of it's good, I don't know if it's horrible (it doesn't please me, that's for sure) but all of it is confusing and I'm trying to sort it all out. Will let you all know about it next week when I have some more answers (I hope). I am now off to brew a pot of coffee since I can't eat or drink after midnight, and that means no coffee in the morning, so I'm trying to stave off the caffeine withdrawal headache by having some tonight. Surgery is early and out patient, so I should be home by 1pm if all goes well.

xo

Good Luck! Good Wishes!!

Good luck, Raleigh's dad! Hope all goes well.

Sending love and support to you and Raleigh, OP. Besos and scritches.

We need to get you some caffeine patches stat! Sending positive surgery and recovery vibes. And let me know if I can help- I am bendy!

Checking in on you OP. Sending good thoughts your way.

Hey there. I'm doing okay. I'm still having certain aches and pains post-surgery, but it went well (I think. I hope.) and I'm just home recovering for another week. I'm having sciatic pain still, but the surgeon said that's to be expected for a couple weeks. I don't even remember anything about the surgery. I have no idea how I even got on my stomach for them to access my back, but I guess I must have.

Saw a 2nd oncologist last week who told me two disturbing things- the first is that (in his opinion) I will need to be on some form of chemo drug for the rest of my life. The 2nd thing is that he was mildly appalled that I have been off of all of them for two months. He asked why and I had no answer. I spoke to my current oncologist a couple days later who told me that he doesn't know if I will have to be on meds the rest of my life. He prefers to take things one step at a time, and this next step will be more than a year. I was satisfied with that answer, but when I asked if he thought it was a problem that I've been off meds for two months, his response was, "Let's hope not," as though it was my doing and I was acting against his advice.

I think I may go with this new oncologist. My only misgiving is that his office is a 45 min-1 hour drive each way and that's not something I want to commit to if I don't know how the drugs will be treating me yet. So I have a lot to think about and some decisions to be made.

Had some good news in my professional life this week and it's done wonders for my mood, so I'm grateful for that. Hope everyone is doing well.

Have a relaxing and restful weekend, OP. I hope Mr. Raleigh is helping around the house!

Wow, that is a lot to have to wrap your head around OP - You are in a “Goldilocks” situation with your oncologists. One is a bit too little in satisfying what you need - the next one is a TAD strong with what he thinks you should do. I hope that you can come to a situation that you can feel confident with. The worry would be maddening. …. I hope that you are feeling a little better after your surgery. …. congratulations on your business news - you deserve a victory right now - plus it is a reminder that there is more to you than this situation. ……….. Laundry and watching those poor people in Maui for me on this milf Saturday. I hope that you and your sweet pal Raleigh have a happy or happy-ish day!

Not Milf!! I meant mild!!! ^

I took Sunny for a checkup with Handsome Sullen Vet this afternoon. I took (lugged I affectionately add) my old mother so she could shake off the dust of the day AND she thinks the vet is handsome. After the the appointment I left my mom and Sunny in the car to run into Vons for a tub of Oxiclean and a frozen pizza. 3 1/2 - 4 minutes later I step outside to find - is 4 a coven? A coven of Karens snapping photos of my car and me and shrieking “Shame, shame, SHAME on you for leaving your mother in the car!! “ I have been in a flop sweat for the last 45 minutes that the police are going to show up at my door for a wellness check. ….. I hope everyone is having a good week. OP I hope that you are feeling better after surgery!!

Wow, I'm so sorry. I hope you shooed them away! How did the check up go?

It was just so odd - I worry about so many things - running into the the store wasn’t one of them. The vet said that Sunny looks MUCH better than last month. Keep him on the Renal food “The rest of his life. REST of his LIFE!” yes - I understand … He ran bloodwork that we are waiting for and his blood pressure is up. He gave me medication for it “He will take this the rest of his life - REST of HIS LIFE” Yes, I understand. So unless there is something new in his bloodwork it was a very good visit. He has the Renal disease but at this point it is manageable. As long as he is happy and isn’t in pain. I was relieved because although my vet is excellent (after series of clunky vets with other pets over the years) he is excellent but has a bit of a serious “Heathcliff” Olivier - not the cat - in his manner!! ….. I hope that Raleigh has conquered his scooties and continues to be a happy little fella. I hope you are well and get relief from worries once in a while ….. I guess this storm that is kicking up is going to hit LA and might be a big deal ….. I guess it is time to stock up or prepare a bit.

The storm will be slowed down considerably by the 69f sea temperature around LA. Hurricanes and tropical storms need sea water of above 86f to thrive.

Wow, I'm not sure if something went wrong, if I did too much today too soon after surgery or what, but the pain in my spine is so severe, I'm almost ready to go to the ER. The only reason I'm not is because I don't think they will be able to do anything. I am desperately hoping my dr. is in the office tomorrow so I can talk to him about it. I'm honestly not sure what happened. the only thing I can say is I did more activity today than usual. I cleaned, vacuumed, did laundry, etc. and all of that included a LOT of bending. I may have overdone it. I took four Advil, but that isn't doing a thing for the pain. I feel like I'm back where I was last November, when I was in so much pain from the bone mets that I wanted to just end it. I cannot go through that again.

Damn r61, that sounds terrible. Back pain is the worst. Please let us know what happens, a lot of people here are rooting for you.

Hi OP - were you able to see your doctor to help you with your back pain? Did you go to the ER? Has it eased up a bit? Are you and sweet Raleigh ready to brave the upcoming heatwave?

Hi OP and Raleigh. I don't want to get in your hair/fur, just feeling a bit concerned and thought I would check in. Sending cozy thoughts your way. Besos and scritches.

We don’t even have to get personal. On “Hazel” - did you like her first family with Don DeFore and Whitney Blake? Or did you prefer her younger employers - Lynn Borden & Ray Fulmer? ……….. Hope you are OK!

Yup I’m concerned too, it’s been nearly a week since OP posted. Hope all is well OP and you’re just getting some much-needed meds and chilling.

Sorry, all. Didn't mean to be dramatic or worry anyone. I'm here. It's been an odd week. I started the oral chemo last Friday and I also changed my allergy med regimen, which now has me on 5 different pills throughout the day. That has just knocked me on my ass and I have been groggy pretty much all day. And still a hive or three get through. Yesterday I woke up from a nap with a big one on my right wrist.

I managed to stay awake long enough yesterday to get the results of my new brain MRI and things are still, thankfully, improving. We discussed doing more radiation on my back and I told him I'd like to wait until I'm fully healed from the spine surgery.

I also found out yesterday a friend died. It wasn't unexpected, but still upset me greatly.

I appreciate the concern, and again, I'm sorry for worrying anyone. Here's a picture of Ralls looking demure as a mea culpa!

OP thanks for checking in! No apologies necessary btw. Glad to hear you’re hanging in there. And Raleigh is so effing cute!!!

Don't you just wanna bite that little pink nose? I live with him and I can barely resist it!

After my surgery, I got lazy and let my beard grow back. I decided to keep it for the near term, but I think I'll have to shave it off now. Raleigh's new thing is jumping on my stomach running up my chest and licking my face like Dino from the Flintstones. Only now that I have the beard, he thinks it's his personal cat grass and he bites it and rips it out of my chin. Hurts like hell.

Hi OP - thanks for giving us the heads up. I am sure that everybody you talk to “has a friend …” BUT I have a friend - who went through a surprisingly treacherous bout with cancer and seemed to be on chemo and radiation forever. her chemo treatments end July 22 - after much “Oh boy - all done” She started the oral chemo not long after and had her last does last week - ok Aug 2023 - a year. Hang in there you pull through it - miserable as it is. … So happy that you and Raleigh “saved” each other. Have a great day!

[QUOTE] took four Advil, but that isn't doing a thing for the pain

Of course they didn't! May I ask why you are so resistant to taking opiate painkillers? You come across as something of a martyr.

R71, really? I’m not the OP, but many people are resistant to opiates, and not because we want to be martyrs (what a quaint thought). I, for one, vomit horribly when I’m on them, no matter what I do—take with lots of food, etc. And you have to jump through hoops to get them (yes, even if you’re a cancer patient).

Don't they make you horribly constipated as well?

They do indeed, r73.

R71, I have tried various opiate painkillers on several occasions throughout my adult life and they don't really do a thing for me other than fuck up my normal sleeping rhythms and constipate me. I have found that 4 Advil will at least take the edge off the pain in most circumstances.

If you've ever had narcotic-caused constipation, it's not something you'd be looking to repeat. It's pretty awful. Even anti-nausea drugs constipate me terribly (and also don't tend to do a thing for me) so I try to use stuff like ginger drops, or when things get bad, medical marijuana, which both help.

Hi OP - I hope that your back has become bearable for you you. How crummy to get back surgery and wind up so awful. ….. Although Sunny is tolerating the Sun Q fluids - sad handsome vet said Sunny’s #s aren’t good. He has me giving Sunny bloodpressure meds that make him dopey. I also have to give him these enormous probiotic pills twice a day. He has to swallow them whole so I have to hold open his mouth and jam it to the back of his throat with my finger. The poor cat hates me now. ….. We are Charter Spectrum and my mom can’t live without Dallas Raines and the abc 7 local newscasters. And Jeopardy. I’ve left my disgruntled cat and mom and I am catching up on “And Just Like That “ in another room……. I hope everyone - and Raleigh stays happy and cool this weekend!

Hey there. Back is feeling much better. Just some residual pain. I start the infusion a week from today and I have a week off from my oral chemo. I am really freaking out about money. In that I have none. I have gone through my savings and have been trying to find something I can do remotely with no success. Starting to worry I'll be homeless by the end of the year.

Every time I call somewhere and need to talk to a customer service rep and they get shitty with me, I want to say- Sick of your job? I'll take it. And I'll be much nicer.

Man, if I could go back in time, I'd save every penny I could just to keep this anxiety at bay. I'm sure it's not helping me get rid of the cancer. At least my eating has gotten back on track. I have been able to resist the sugar cravings that started back up during chemo and then pretty much just became the beginnings of an addiction. I have now gone 6 days without eating sweets, which, for my recent pattern, is pretty great. I am not going to "reward" myself by giving in once a week or once a month. I know the cancer is fed on sugar, but for some reason, the kind of chemo I just went through and had in 2016 really makes me crave it. I am hoping that this new oral chemo doesn't have the same effect. I think it took me about a month (so two rounds) to start craving sugar. Let's see what happens after my next round of oral chemo.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. And if you know of any reputable remote job places, do let me know. Thanks!

Hi Op -The $ struggle is a nightmare - if I could go back in time I would change SO MANY things! BUT - ok I am out here in LA, also. My neighbor ‘Gu’ who lives up the street is a nice guy in his early 50s and is a “car guy” more than anything. He works on all of the cars on the street. He is nice but a bragger. He is married with 5 kids and his wife just had another baby. BUT - he works from home booking appts and billing for Kaiser. I have TRIED to get him to spill a connection because I could use it but he doesn’t share much. BUT he is making a very nice living doing it and he is totally legit. So you might try googling Kaiser remote work California. I always fall for everything - at least this is legit. I know the money anxiety is awful.

Guy not GU - my eyes are going!

Thanks. That's a great tip!

Hi Op - did you start your infusion today? And ok - I’m going to be dumb here - what is that? Have you been able to stay off of sugar? Didn’t this whole thing start a year ago in September? Anyway, hoping you are well and wishing you and Raleigh the best!

Hello. Yes, I did start infusion yesterday, and thank you so much for remembering.

Yes, believe it or not, it was a year ago this past week that I started the first thread asking what this could be on the night I wound up going to the ER and then being told it was cancer. It has gone by incredibly quickly, but certainly not uneventfully.

Infusion, R81, is when you get the chemo drugs administered intravenously as opposed to orally, though there are other types of non-chemo infusion. It's the method, not the drug.

It went well. The facility is nice, the people were nice, and they actually listened to me. When I said I didn't want the anti-nausea meds because they don't do anything for me and they block me up, they listened and didn't give them to me, as opposed to my last oncologist's office who basically patted my head and gave them to me anyway.

I also had to get to an appointment down the road to get an ultrasound. I thought I might have another blood clot in my leg from particular pains I've been having this week. When I first did chemo in 2016, I got a blood clot in the same area after my first chemo dose, so I know what the sensations feel like. I have had a few false alarms over the years, but I have been told that it's always better to check with those things. The oncologist's office made the appointment for me. When I told my infusion nurse about it, she made sure that I got out of there in time, even though I was scheduled to be there a little longer the first day. And she did it without making me feel bad about it.

Met with the nutritionist on Tuesday and it was pretty much stuff I already knew, but she offered a few enlightening observations about the way that I eat which I think will be helpful. No sugar since then, which has been okay, but I expect to have a withdrawal soon.

I have had a few encounters this past week that have brought my mortality to the forefront. I do wish I could just forget about it and just live in the moment, and sometimes that actually does happen, but sooner or later something always comes around to bring me back to reality. I guess I should be grateful I even have those times at all.

Raleigh is doing great and has been super cuddly. I've started to really rely on his company recently and have become very attached to him. I am so glad I have him.

Hope all is well with everyone. This week... time for the fall vaccines!

Hi OP - I have said it multiple times - you have navigated through this year like a warrior plus - taking the time to be Raleigh’s hero - that it really a special thing. That poor little Chonk would probably still be waiting for a home and someone to love him. You both won the lottery there. ….. Do you prefer the infusion chemo or taking it orally? That is good that they listened to you about the anti nausea meds - you know best about that now. Those brushes with thinking about your own mortality are like earworms from a song - they can run over and over in your mind and make you crazy. …… I have been fighting off acute anxiety this week physically, financially and emotionally caring for my sick mom and sick cat and swiftly getting behind in bills and optimism - it is getting hard. As long as the landlord doesn’t move is out for their daughter I can tuck down and push through. I have been feeling my old friends pulling away a bit. I can feel some impatience on their end that I’m STILL in a situation. Almost all of them are happily married and own their own homes or have trust funds - I can’t exactly mention that my Cal Fresh card is already out for the month. Then I worry that my my mom and or Sunny may pass soon ( It could be years) and I have not handled things well. …. Sorry OP and and anyone else - My mom doesn’t temper most of our conversations or she cries. This little space here CV on this thread has given me some company and relief . I am shallow though - if Sunny and I hit on a good Law and Order SVU rerun all will be right with the world!! …… Have a good week and I hope that your back continues to get better!

Thank you for your lovely message, and I am very happy that you have found some solace on this thread.

My mom died about 5 years ago. It was a difficult time and I was pulled in several different directions, trying to make everything right for everyone while being confronted by a mother who had changed radically due to rapid onset dementia. I had guilt for a while about not handling things well, especially because two years prior, when I had my first cancer diagnosis, surgery and treatment, my mother stepped up in a way that I had never seen her behave before. She was strong, confident, and did not need to lean on me (because she knew I needed it to be the other way around). I couldn't have been more proud of her, and I felt for a long time that I had let her down in her last couple of months of life. I have realized since that I was thrown into a situation that was incredibly complicated, was trying to keep her partner from becoming homeless, trying to keep their finances from collapsing, and unraveling all the damage my mother had done over the past few years to her own situation without telling me about it. You seem like a caring, thoughtful person, so I cannot imagine you would not handle things to the best of your ability. Try not to let the guilt or the "what ifs" win.

I slept a shit ton this weekend. I think the combo of oral and infusion just knocked me out. Of course I would prefer oral because it means fewer trips to the doctor, but this particular infusion is so much easier and more pleasant than the ones I've done in the past because I do not have to bring the pump home with me and wear it for two days as it feeds the meds into my system and then go back to have it removed. This one is a one hour infusion and I'm free. The drive is long, but these days, the only time I seem to ever listen to music is when I drive, so I don't mind it so much.

My chubby cat is velcro-ed to my side. I love him so much.

Oh, I forgot to tell you all- I got a job! It's a remote position, so I can work safely. Man, it was in the nick of time, too. Phew.

I start this week.

OP - Thank you so much for your thoughtful message and sharing what you went through with your mom. It is such an odd and slow motion situation - emotions sometimes get the better of me.although I’m sorry you had to go through it - it gives me some perspective to keep on trucking! …. Congratulations on your new job! Whew! That is a happy way to start the week! you and Raleigh stay safe!

Raleigh is feeling very mellow today.

Yay! A new Raleigh snap! Fantastic news about the job. Congratulations. And you are sleeping deeply, which is also great to hear. Even the transfusions seem to be as mellow as possible, with some nice staff to boot. You certainly seem to have found a good luck chonk. You get to have ALL of the sugar you could possibly want and then some, it has simply transmogrified into a furry form.

Thinking of you OP. Hope the new job has been a good fit and that all is well in the Realm of Raleigh!

Hope no news is good news, OP.

Hey all- Doing okay. Being back to work has proven a bit more difficult than I imagined. It's been a year of doing nothing but dealing with cancer, so retraining my brain to be creative and thinking about someone else's needs and hitting deadlines is...challenging. But I'll get there!

Hi OP - I am glad to hear that although stressed you are forging ahead! Sunny has been doing really well but yesterday and today has been startlingly listless. That is so distracting because like his b me and - he is always a “Sunny” little guy. I am sure he will be better and I am just indulging in an early dollar of anxiety today…. I hope that you and Handsome Raleigh have a very happy first week of October!

Like his name ^

Is Sunny still eating and drinking and using the litter box? If so, there's probably nothing to worry about. My cat who had kidney disease had his listless days, as well. Try not to worry and just keep an eye on him for now.

Hi - thank you for the friendly response! Sunny perked up today. He has been SO much better lately that it surprised me when he was so limp. I have been watching him like watching a pot coming to a boil lately. Poor little guy - I should toss him the car keys and give him some freedom!!

Big congrats on the job OP. Working from home is ideal as you can have your anxieties in private haha. Best wishes to the other Cat Guy too, you might not know you're doing great despite living inside a cyclone. x

Dear OP, thinking of you. If you are even in a bit of the Halloween spirit, get one of those sugar pumpkins. They last forever, they are the perfect small orbs, and if you are up for it, the seeds are easily harvested for roasting. Or, just perch it somewhere, unmolested. You'll still enjoy it.

Hey There. Just had my 2nd infusion of chemo yesterday. I slept all day today. I got up at 8am, took my oral chemo, and was alseep on the couch within an hour, slept on the couch til 2:30, managed to make it into bed and napped until 6ish. I think the combo of the oral chemo and the infusion just wipes me out. Thankfully it's on a Saturday.

Hey OP - were you able to shake the heavy fatigue or is it lingering? How is your back doing? I hope the new job is tolerable or if not you ditched it….. Well - my mom is 88 tomorrow. Unbeknownst to me she decided to make baked potatoes today - without pricking them with a fork. They DO explode. But hey - how lucky am I that she is still with me and wanted to make her own pre B-Day potatoes….. I hope everyone here is having a good week, despite all of the sadness in the news.

Hey everyone. Hanging in there. Tomorrow I will finish up my third cycle of oral chemo and then next week will be my third dose of infusion meds. I just wish I wasn't so damn tired all the time. The hives are still with me and my allergist's office is dragging its heels getting my first appointment scheduled. I don't understand what the delay is and I'm about to find another place if they don't get me on the books this week.

Work has been challenging, but I am hoping I'm doing a decent job. I have my first staff meeting in about 5 minutes, so wish me luck!

Hope everyone is doing well.

Best of luck, OP! At least the weekend is right around the corner.

I got some very bad news this morning. They have been doing these periodic tests on me to check tumor markers in my blood. The last one was 2 weeks ago. I got the results this morning and the numbers have shot up like crazy, which means the new chemo regimen is not working. I have a call into my doctor to find out exactly where we go from here, but I don't think this bodes well for my time on earth.

Oh OP -I am so terribly sorry to hear this! I am so sorry that YOU had to hear this! …. I am sure that there are a million things to be said - a million possibilities to to try. Give in to a good ugly cry and hold on to Raleigh . You must be exhausted. Don’t give up the ship - there is just more to figure out. …… There are a lot of us out here sending you prayers, friendship and crazy twisty good energy!!

OP, I can only imagine how you have felt sitting with this all day. I hope your doctor responds/responded quickly, and you can get in right away to talk about what is next in the lineup. A new plan of action will give you new focus, it's in the waiting that the corners can seem to grow particularly dark.

Apply large amounts of Raleigh to yourself at regular intervals. Find something on TV you can binge, or a book you can get lost in. Have food delivered that you especially enjoy. Do what you can to find the cozy while you await the next steps. You are receiving supportive energy from many people who may not have met you, but who truly care about you. Tap into that.

Besos and scritches,

Thinking about you and love you OP.

Any clinical trials that may be an option? Hoping the very best for you and Raleigh!

I have been playing internet doctor the past couple days and from what I can see, there may be the ability to move to immunotherapy. I won't know what we're looking at until I get the PET/CT scan, which is more waiting and yet more waiting. I will be talking to the doctors on Thursday, though. One of my support group members just called me and calmed me down a bit. I'm going to try not to dwell on it until I have some hard information. Easier said than done, of course, but I have to try.

Thanks to everyone for being so caring. It means so much.

Hi Op I am glad that you are feeling a SMIDGE better. I know all of this waiting must be just the absolute worst. I hope that you and Raleigh are having a little enjoyment this weekend….I watched the Moonlighting Pilot for the first time in 30 yrs or so tonight. lots of old downtown LA. Forgot how spectacular looking Cybill Shepherd was back then. hard to wrap my head around how twinkly, sexy, sly and bright Bruce Willis was. What a crummy thing to happen to him….. I hope this week brings you better news! We are rooting for you!!

Thankfully, my new oncologist was able to push through my PET scan with the insurance company and I am having it done tomorrow morning, so I am hoping to have the results by the end of the week.

Sending you intense good wishes and good luck beams!!!!!!

Hey All. PET happened on Tuesday and I do have a new tumor, but it's small, under 2cm. We're doing more imaging next week to take a different look at it. The good news is none of my other spots are active, which is a big relief. My oncologist wants to stay the course with the current med regimen, and it's possible this new thing popped up during the three months I was not doing any chemo (but we don't know that for sure). We're going to closely monitor with MRIs every couple months and blood tests every month.

I was supposed to go to chemo today for my infusion but I got super sick about 45 min before and did not think I could make a drive that far without a bathroom, so I had to postpone. So I slept all afternoon and just had some cream of wheat. If I could put on The Mike Douglas Show or All My Children, it'd be just like when I'd stay home from school sick.

Happy to hear the good news, OP. As for the "newcomer", give it the mental finger. Glad you were able to get some rest and I hope whatever it was that made you stay home is out of your system. Are you and Raleigh going to dress up / do anything for Halloween? Cuddle and watch some classic horror movies? He would look extra handsome in a cape, and he is most certainly a superhero.

Besos and scritches,

Hi OP - I’m glad that are relieved about the results. The anxiety you have is too much. Take a few sick days. Chicken Noodle Soup and 7 up. Sleep. Have some All My Children dreams - may your naps take you and Raleigh to “Pine Valley” and spend some time with Erica, Phoebe Tyler , Dr Joe and Ruth Martin, Billy Clyde Tuggle, Chuck and Donna … Tad the Cad …. Myrtle ……zzzzzz

Thinking of you OP. How has your week been?

Hey sweet soul. Hope this is the cozy kind of quiet.

Won't lie, I am getting worried. Did something go down with OP or Raleigh? @R39 MrE , can you get ahold of him, or at least let us know if he/they are OK?

I texted him yesterday to see how he's doing, and I haven't heard back. The last time I heard from him was last Thursday.

Okay, just heard back from him- he's been busy with his medical (naturlich) and his new job.

THANK YOU!!!

Hey All- I'm so sorry. Yesterday was my first allergy injection for the hives. I was at the Dr's office all morning and then I came home and crashed. This morning, I had three Zoom calls back to back for work and now I am trying to clone 14-16TB of footage in less than 48 hours to be delivered across the country on Saturday.

I'm doing okay. My last two MRIs showed nothing untoward and even some further shrinkage in the tumor remainder in my skull. We just need to figure out why I got a new spot of cancer. I am so wary of not doing everything I possibly can to keep the cancer at bay for as long as I can. Not knowing what caused the new cancer to pop up is going to make me nuts. Is my current regimen not doing the job fully? Or is it because I was off chemo for 3 months (and if so, then why didn't any of the other spots reactivate). I just feel like "we aren't sure" isn't gonna do it for me because if we aren't sure, then how can I prevent more from cropping up as quickly?

Also, I just ate a frozen yogurt fake sugar ice cream bar and all I can taste are the chemicals. Blech.

Hi OP, wondering how goeth the slog. Completely understand how "we aren't sure" would not sit well. Sending you and your (our?) benevolent, chonky overlord besos and scritches.

Hey There

Doing okay. I spoke to the NP at my oncologist's office this week and she said that the MRI on the "new spot" may just be a sclerotic remainder. But why did it light up with the PET? She said the team is unconcerned about it, which makes me feel somewhat better, but definitely not less vigilant about it, and I will stay on top of trying to figure out all the whys/whats/hows of it.

Been a crazy busy week for me with work, which has been nice (though tiring). However, I found out this week that my job is ending at the beginning of 2024. They are unable to keep me on for an extended period of time (money issues). So I now have to find something at the worst time of the year. Wish me luck.

What's everyone doing for Thanksgiving? I had planned a trip to Vegas to see a beloved show one last time before it closes, but I wound up canceling as I don't have the money. But the good news is they have extended the show through 2024, so I still have a chance to catch it one last time.

Here's the Rall master peeking at you all. Chonk of all time.

GAH! That sweet beast cannot get any cuter! I am sure you are cute too, OP but you have some serious competition.

I hope you have a pleasant, relaxing Thanksgiving with the Chonk. Hopefully, the new job is just around the corner, along with continued good concerning your cancer. Take care, OP!

Hey OP, Raleigh, and my friends here - I hope everyone will be having a Happy and peaceful Thanksgiving. … I mentioned in late spring my landlords pick odd times to circle - their daughter has an eye on moving in. They picked THIS week for the yearly termite inspection - done by their relative. every single room, closet, cabinet , drawer , garage. Thank God I have a boring personal life - examining every inch of the place is stressful. They left about an hour ago - it was fine but timed preholiday makes one feel wobbly. Otherwise all is fairly well - my mom keeps answering her remote control. Sunny is sassy and things should be quiet for a few days - I might even cook. ….. o hope everyone is well!

Dearest OP, I hope you and Sir Chonk had a snuggly Thanksgiving, however you decided to do it. Thankful for you both. You make this place extra cozy through difficult times and easier times.

Besos and scritches, and possibly leftovers.

Hey All-

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. Mine was pretty mellow. Had dinner at a friend's house and went home early. Thankful for this little group and all the well wishes and caring.

xxo

Been trying to get work done this week but have been having a worsening issue with my stomach. For the past 2-3 weeks I keep feeling like I have eaten a five course meal, even though I'm eating normally. I've even cut down my food intake about nearly half in the past week because I'm just not hungry. Even when I do feel hungry I still feel full. Going to the bathroom okay, but something is wrong. I haven't even lost any weight even though I'm eating much less.

I would be surprised if it was new cancer since we JUST did a scan, and my Nov blood test number came back and it's dropped decently from October. I get a new test done Monday, but I think they want to do an ultrasound on my next week. I asked if this could be a delayed side side effect of the oral chemo I started in Aug, but they did not answer the question in my message.

I'm sorry your news isn't so good right now. Fingers crossed that you are having chemo side effects rather than more cancer.

Hi OP - So sorry to hear about your digestion! It is scary on top of a pain. I’m wondering - hoping it is a response to some of your medication. I don’t have food allergies but I have had funky food sensitivities that crop up out of nowhere that can sideline me for days. I discovered this Target ice cream ( I almost never go to Target) they had some special Holiday Ice Creams and cookies that I brought home and pretty quickly realized there is something in them that I can’t deal with This is my LONG winded way of pointing out - wasn’t it LAST winter when you started having awful digestion and elimination issues? Maybe there is one ingredient in some seasonal food that screws you up. Plus Money worries can land you flat on the floor. ….. Sending you the best. Sunny is precious. my mom asked me what Tupperware was yesterday - things are mellow.. …. I bet Raleigh just adores you and the air that you breathe. I wish for you both a happy day today .

Yes, last year I was having nausea and reflux issues with the chemo, but wow, now that you mention it, I have to go back and look at the diary I kept for the doctors during that time. Thanks for the reminder.

: )

Hi OP, how are you feeling physically and emotionally? Know we are all thinking about you and King Chonk.

Hi, MrE R117 Don't want to cause any fuss, however, you know him the best in this thread. Would you mind terribly to do another text check in with OP? He might be in "leave me alone" mode, which of course should be honored, but I confess I do get concerned about how he's holding up when a stretch of time goes by. Whatever you think is best.

I'm good (and what a coincidence that I just happened to sign on right after you left this message!) I really have been super busy doing work, looking for work and all that in between.

Doing okay, otherwise. I think we may have figured out what was causing the feeling of fullness. My allergist put me on Famotidine (which is a proton pump inhibitor, like Nexium, et al) which can also be used as an antihistamine. He had me on it 2x a day and that seems to be the culprit. The allergy shots are working so well for my hives that after the first dose, they were all but gone. I still have another 10 months on them, though.

Happy Hanukkah to all who celebrate!

r144, so funny you asked that, I texted him a few days ago and heard back from him yesterday, and was literally going to give a little update. :) I hope everyone is having a good holiday season.

Thanks so much OP for the update. Happy the culprit has been discovered, so you can relax into a bit of celebrating when you and Raleigh feel up for it. Maybe putting him on top of the tree might be a bit dodgy, but I bet he could pull off some sweet dreidel spins.

Thank you MrE R135 for being on the same wavelength! That is some damn fine and cozy synchronicity from you and OP both. It is a relief to know if we have to throw out the "bat signal" (OP signal?) you are already ahead of the case let alone make anyone feel bad for asking. I hope your holiday of choice has got off to a lovely start.

Besos, Scritches, and Grateful Hug. I raise my bottle of plonk to you all!

Off to Britbox to get my Rumpole fix. *hic*

Wow - this is a very happy Saturday night round up - I am so glad to find everyone well. OP - what a relief that you are feeling dauncy from wonky histamine reactions. ….. I don’t remember - is Raleigh still having trouble with scooties? Please put up more photos when you have a chance. …. So warm in So Cal - it feels more like my childhood So Cal Christmases in the 1970s - full of Santa Ana winds and dry Christmas tree needles. My mom loved going to estate sales and obscure thrift stores - her trees were spectacular . I should bring a few of the old ornament boxes in from the garage but I don’t think so. I got a little Charlie Brown tree this year - it is sweet so that is enough……. Looking forward to Gilded Age. …. Have a happy week, everybody!

Awww, I'm so glad to hear trees are up. It's so bizarre to think that last week I passed the one yar mark of starting chemo again. I remember it vividly. Nov 30th. It was the day they announced Christine McVie's death, and how it was related to some sort of opioid issue because of the crippling back pain she had. And I was having the same issue (if not the same cause) and thinking- I get it. But I was so sad because Fleetwood Mac was my first favorite band (maybe after The Partridge Family) and still is to this day.

I put my tree up last year during Thanksgiving weekend because I was worried I wouldn't have the strength to do so after I started chemo. Back in 2016, when I had my first tangle with cancer and chemo, I finished chemo in mid-Sept. During that time, I had two cats (both of whom have since passed) and I hadn't had a tree up for 11 years. I tried the first year with the first cat and he destroyed it, so no more trees, and I was fine with it. But I was so happy to still be alive at the end of 2016, I decided to buy two small trees, one traditional and one mid-century silver, and but them both up. One went in the living room and one went in my bedroom. I did the silver one in all authentic 1960s and 1970s ornaments I found on Ebay (and some mid-century themed ones that were newer) and blue lights. My cats back then were not big jumpers, so if I put the living room one up on a higher bookshelf, I knew it would be safe. I put those up for about three years, and then I stopped. But I definitely needed a little Christmas last year, especially because I was without any company, and thought it might be my last Christmas.

I thought about doing it this year, but I have the cat, and this is his first Christmas, and he knocks EVERYTHING on the floor and then bites it, so I didn't dare take a chance. I could put the one up in my bedroom, but I never enjoy those as much. I love sitting on my couch at night with all the lights off except for the tree, and watching tv or just listening to music and looking at the tree lights.

I've been watching some of the Oscar movies when I have a spare couple hours. The awards streaming channel is finally getting some decent stuff. Last night I watched Poor Things and then started Oppenheimer at almost 11pm, got through almost two hours of it and finally had to go to bed. May finish it tonight.

Love to all. : )

What a wonderful update! Thank you, OP. I hope you and Sir Raleigh have a relaxing and very special holiday season and continue in remission. Enjoy!

Poor Things!! Did you like it? Love it? Meh? I read about it a few months ago and was really intrigued. It it does seem really bizarre. I like Emma Stone …. I have had a couple of Christmas tree topplers over the years. Sunny has more of a sleepy eyed Robert Mitchum thing with the tree - he could care less. Black Kitty who passed away a few years ago would come alive when the tree went up. She would pull her dainty paws back and smack the hell out of the ornaments and could even make some fly across the room an hit the wall.. She was talented…. I had to laugh - if you don’t want Raleigh to be tempted with a tree - you could install a “Festivus Pole” Ala Seinfeld and put a string of lights on it. Then you could commence with the “airing of grievances” and “feats of strength” …. I watch too much tv …..

Oh man, I am so out of shape. I just changed the litter in the cat's box and I am winded. I got back on the treadmill again and I can see how out of shape I am, but I am forcing myself to get on five days a week, even if it's only for 20-30 min until I work up my stamina.

Stomach issues are acting up again, so it doesn't seem as if it was the medication they gave me for my allergies before I started the injections. And I think the "hand-foot" issues that go along with the oral chemo have finally started. The heels on both feet have cracked to the point where it's painful. I thought it was just dry skin, because my feet are always dry, but this is something I've never had before, so I am going to start the Voltaren cream.

Let's see... anything good to report. Yes, I finished a big project that seems like it could be a go for 2024, which would mean some money for me. I'm proud of that.

And no, R140, I hated Poor Things. I liked The Holdovers and All of Us Strangers. And the Chicken Run sequel wasn't bad, if not the instant classic the original was.

How are you all doing?

The heels on both feet have cracked to the point where it's painful. ///

This is actually a fungus infection and the cream used to treat thrush should clear it up. Ask your pharmacist.

Do you think so, R142? I have had periods of fungus issues with my feet. I hate wearing shoes (not outdoors, of course), and I have been to podiatrists who have prescribed an antifungal cream, which I do use, but get lazy about after a week. In all the time that I've had that recurring issue, I've never had cracks in my heels, which made me wonder if this was the hand-foot issue instead of the fungal thing flaring up. (And to make it clear, I am a super clean and hygienic person.) I've gone back to the antifungal cream this week, but so far no relief. I'm going to continue with it until Thursday and then I have an appt w/ my oncologist and will discuss with him. My NP told me that the side effects from this particular chemo usually surface much earlier, so you may absolutely be correct. Thank you.

Try this stuff, OP of the hurting tootsies. This stuff clears up EVERYTHANG. Just an Amazon order away.

Link didn't link well. It is:

Desitin Maximum Strength Baby Diaper Rash Cream with 40% Zinc Oxide for Treatment, Relief & Prevention, Hypoallergenic, Phthalate- & Paraben-Free Paste, 4.8 oz.

It is almost creepy what it will clear up.

Take good care and thanks for the update!

Hey OP and everyone, hope you have a serene Christmas. I love the week between Xmas and NYE and watch all the old movies and make another resolution to not worry so much. Love to all. x

Signatera number jumped way up this month to heights it's never been. And the pain and fullness in my stomach is also back after an only one week reprieve. My oncologist was very sober about the number, especially when he heard about my stomach issues. We're trying to get an abdominal scan pushed through ASAP, but the next two weeks are pretty much ruined for me.

I actually had an optimistic, positive past month with lots of good things and allowed myself to feel happy. How is it that at my age, I have yet to learn that that is a punishable offense?

Op - I am so very, very sorry to read this - you sweet soul - damn it - you must be exhausted from the worry and anger and the actual pain! I apologize for not remembering - I know that I should - do you have any brothers or sisters around? I don’t have family (outside of mom and cat) and lately feel the walls closing in - no one left who HAS to be there for me - I say this because I hope that there is someone that you can depend on. In the meantime, please, please feel free to vent away - everyone here cares so much ….. My best thoughts and prayers for you and sweet Raleigh!!

Thank you. I have friends for sure, but when I get like this, the last thing I want to do is burden them because I'm kind of a black hole of doom. It's very rainy and bleak here right now. I fell asleep on the couch earlier and Ralls was cuddled up next to me. And then he got too close and started biting my beard so I got up and did the dishes. And I'm feeling all those same thoughts I was having a year ago- it's time to start getting rid of things, time to make sure the plan is ready, etc. And I'M not ready. And I don't need any of this on top of trying to find a job.

I just went through a whole thing this week with Medi-Cal and Covered California. A few weeks ago I got a letter from Covered California saying my insurance was being canceled on Jan 1 because I qualified for Medi-Cal. I went onto my account and saw that my listed income had dropped precipitously (not that it was that high to begin with since the pandemic). I called them and it turned out that my weekly income was for some reason now being listed as monthly, so we fixed it and I thought that was the end of it.

Got another letter from them on Monday saying I was in medi-Cal. Called again, was told to call Medi-Cal. Spent two days trying to get ahold of them, had to send in proof of income (which I did immediately) and was then told it would take at least two weeks to fix, two weeks I don't have because the end of the year is rapidly approaching.

Why is this an issue, you may wonder? Well, if you're currently being treated for cancer, having Medi-Cal is basically like having nothing. None of my current team takes medi-Cal so I would have to start completely over and find doctors who do, then wait to find an open slot, etc. etc. To the point- there was no way I could go on medi-Cal (besides the point that I don't actually qualify for it).

So I called Covered Cal back, begged them to see what could be done and they put an escalation on it. Got a call this morning that it was being restored and I should see it reflected in 1-2 days, but that they would call me when it is. So on top of everything else, I'm tense waiting for that to actually go through where I can see it with my own eyes.

Meanwhile, I have to beg my boss at my part time job to pay me the paltry sum he does. He now pays me through PayPal so his wife can't see the money that's going out of the account and freak out, which makes no sense to me- I work at his home. She sees me every time I'm there and is aware I work for him. He always "forgets" to put money in PayPal so I have to constantly be humiliated to remind him to pay me. And I do their books. Trust me, they are NOT hurting, which makes it even more humiliating.

If I get bad news in the next couple weeks, I think I'm going to explore what my options are re: the Death With Dignity laws in California and move towards that. I am not sure I see any point in prolonging this. I don't have a sustainable income anymore, I have no family, I likely won't have a place to live in a few months if I don't have a job, and for what? So I can linger on a few extra months? I tried very had to outrun things, I really did, and I just couldn't do it.

I'm sorry for laying that all on strangers. The good news is we are strangers, so it's not really anyone's problem but my own. But it helped to put my feelings to words, so I thank you all for that.

I totally get that terrible aggravation of Covered California - Med cal - the terrible feeling that you are poor and have to PROVE that you are poor - but then prove if you aren’t working that you are looking for work - that you are doing better but if you get too much better you don’t qualify. I am having nightmares with dental work - I am trying to get it done at a dental school but have to wait six weeks to see if they will take me. I am keeping pain at bay. The dentist told me to sign up for medi cal - I just don’t know. - but she was kind of snotty about it. If I was trying to navigate cancer treatment - I can’t imagine. …. I hope that you can get an answer out of Covered California tomorrow so you aren’t left hanging over Christmas weekend. …… the wife and the Pay Pal payments - ugh - that is crummy. …. Wow - yes - it is pouring out.

Dear OP. You are going through so much. JFC. I am relieved you have this spot to talk about it all. It is true that sometimes "strangers" make the best listeners. I hope the Covered California people made the phone call you were waiting on. It is truly the hardest time of year to get anything done no matter how simple. I suggest looking up information on the Death with Dignity laws now instead of waiting. Not that I'm trying to shuffle you off this mortal coil sooner than later, god no, but it might give you a project that you can sink your teeth into while Raleigh sinks his teeth into you. Doing it now while you are still very much "with it" is also a good idea because apparently the process of applying for it is a bit of a tangled slog. You can take your frustration out on getting that sorted WELL before you need it. An acquaintance of mine did this, he was worried it would depress him but he actually feels great relief that all is in order, and there will be no last minute bullshit surprises.

I'd like to punch your boss in the face, I'll just leave that there. He is the one who should feel humiliated.

Be a shamelessly squeaky wheel in all of these issues you are facing. Squeak your ass off. Let the chonkster have the treadmill.

Besos, scritches and squeaks.

*squeak, squeak*

I did look into it and apparently, I have to have a formal diagnosis of less than 6 months to live, so nothing I can do about it at this particular moment. I'll have to see what the next few weeks bring me in terms of further tests and diagnoses.

Yes, thankfully, Covered California has come through. I checked my status yesterday morning after not hearing back from them Friday and it definitely says on my CC account that I have been restored. Just to be sure, I went onto my Blue Shield account, and they have my bill ready for Jan 1, 2024.

I am at least relieved that I've lost weight in the past couple days. I have not been super hungry at all, so I've been eating much less, but not been losing any weight. I got on the scale this morning and had lost 3 lbs in the past 2 days. It's not that I'm trying to starve myself or anything, I just have this image of a gigantic tumor in my stomach getting larger every day.

I'm trying to make some kind of sense of all this, why the number keeps going up, why nothing is coming up on the scans we did just 2 months ago. Is it more cancer? Is it an ulcer? Is it a diabetic issue? (I don't have diabetes, but I have noticed my glucose levels have been a little high the past two blood draws. I just ordered a glucose meter to check it out on my own.)

Hi OP , Raleigh , Hi Everybody -

I hope that this Christmas Day can bring you hope and some peace and even in the middle of all of the uncertainty - a little joy. Merry Christmas!

Scheduled my CT scans. Next Tuesday. I was hoping for this week, but I would have been shocked if they'd had an opening. oh well.

That wait must feel like an eternity. Have you had that full feeling? Is your weight staying down?

I've been eating a LOT less. Since Wednesday, I've been averaging about 900 calories per day (I use a tracker) and I've lost 4 lbs since Saturday, which is when I started weighing again.

I think I also need to see my surgical ophthalmologist and/or the surgeon who performed the tumor removal from my skull. I've been having pressure/weakness feeling at the surgical site for a couple months. It comes and goes, but has come back. It's one of the reasons we also did a follow up MRI in November (which was clear). But the past couple weeks, every time I sleep on my left (tumor) side, I wake up and te vision in my left eye is dark and cloudy and takes about a half hour to really come back to normal. It's also come and gone over the year or so since I had my surgery, but I feel like it should be getting better, not happening more frequently 16 months post-surgery. I sent a message to my surgeon and I'll call the eye guy tomorrow to make an appointment.

I had a nice, short visit from a friend today who brought me a little Christmas gift. Raleigh was fascinated by her, as we don't get many visitors, but she's allergic to cats, so he couldn't get a whole lotta love from her, even though she rubbed him with her foot. He's irresistible.

That is so wonderful that Raleigh is such a wonderful boy. I’m glad you were able to have a nice visits with your friend, it’s a shame sh is allergic. She couldn’t get a “Full Raleigh!” …… 900 calories a day! Are you struggling to keep the calories that low? I know for me if I keep the calories that low for a few days my appetite goes away - but that has been a long time ago. It has been a kind of melancholy month and a melancholy Christmas.Not bad just a tad blue. Unexpected bills and my mom didn’t know who I was for a while this morning. Neither one is unusual. ……. hey Op I am sorry about your eye. How is your scalp doing?

OP if you want to fight this disease you cannot be restricting food and acting like an anorexic teenage girl.

[quote] 900 calories a day! Are you struggling to keep the calories that low? I know for me if I keep the calories that low for a few days my appetite goes away - but that has been a long time ago.

No, it hasn't been a struggle because I'm not hungry. I still have the pain and the feeling of fullness. The only thing keeping the feeling of fullness somewhat at bay is eating less, but also, I don't feel hungry as much. I have to be very careful how much I eat or it feels like I'm carrying around a cannonball in my stomach. (But it doesn't look distended.)

You are - I would guess - except for sweet Raleigh - alone a lot of the time. That can lead to so much eating that you don’t even realize. I think I would be shocked and bummed at how quickly I could down 900 calories! I am glad that feeling of fullness is lessening for you - I hope that you can keep comfortable this weekend.

Hi OP, Raleigh and DL friends - I hope everyone is enjoying their New Year’s Eve (watching a Succession marathon here) ….. and Have a Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to everyone here in our little corner of the DL! May it be filled with happy surprises, health, contentment, and prosperity. Besos, scritches, and hugs all around!

Hapy New Year, all. Hoping for a better one! Love to everyone.

Hey OP - Good Luck Tomorrow! We’re all rooting for you!!

Thanks. Things have not been good today. Pain has gotten worse and more constant and other than breakfast, I didn't eat the whole day. I managed to choke down a yogurt tonight so I could take my chemo, but honestly, if I didn't have to take it 2x a day, I'm not sure I'd be eating at all. I sent a message to my oncologist tonight to see if my worsening symptoms changed anything he might want to do. I am very concerned it might be an enlarged spleen (because I have the three biggest symptoms of it- upper left abdominal pain, feeling of fullness and low red blood cell count), but I cannot imagine what would have caused it. The chemo I was doing at the beginning of the year til May could possibly cause it, but not the stuff I'm on now.

About to leave for the scans. My oncologist messaged me this morning. He wants to put me on pain pills (Norco) but I declined. As I've mentioned before, opioids do nothing for me. He also said he's thinking about switching my chemo, which has me feeling very down for a few reasons. One- it would mean being tethered to a machine again every two weeks, and two- these are last resort drugs from what I can see.

Hi OP - how did it go? I don’t blame you on the Norco - I know even though it helps some people., other people can get really emotional and out of it on it. Your anxiety levebel must be a 15. Did the doctor have anything promising to say?

Thinking of you OP. Echoing what r167 said.

Got the results (but have not talked to my doctor about them yet). From what I can tell, no new cancer, and all organs are normal sized, so no enlarged spleen. There are three tiny nodes in the upper lobe of my left lung and a small cyst on my left kidney that I want to ask him about.

I reached out to my doctor today and asked if we should do an endoscopy.

Of course, we still have no idea why my signatera numbers keep climbing. So I don't know what to think.

OP, I am saddened that you are having so many physical issues. I hope the best for you and Raleigh; getting more positive news from your doctor would be wonderful.

Hi OP - Just a wave hello and hoping that you and Raleigh are having a peaceful weekend. I know I have been feeling a bit down lately and I have been trying to shake it off. ….. It’s a “Sopranos” weekend on HBO and doing laundry in the bathtub - the washer flooded out again and the laundromat was packed. ….…. Off to make chicken stew ….. I hope everyone is having a nice weekend!

More bad news, I'm afraid. My newest Signatera number has nearly doubled from last month. I'm pretty beside myself with worry at this point. If this is it, then I wish someone would just say- Look, it's over. Because I can't take the stress anymore.

OP, how horribly frustrating and scary this sounds. Is it at all possible to see a completely different doctor about this? I'm wondering if they might see something your current doctor is missing. That is indeed quite a jump and of course you are stressed to the gills. Forgive me for saying this, and I could be reading in, but your current doctor doesn't seem exactly ferociously curious and dedicated to figuring out what the fuck is going on. You are sort of being left to dangle with a shrug.

I've been scanned to the teeth with him recently. Since late October, and the beginning of the really bad climb of the numbers, I've had a PET scan, a brain MRI, a pelvic MRI, and a CT on my chest, abdomen and pelvis, all of which have shown nothing new. He wants to change my chemo regimen to one that is pretty much "last ditch attempt" which we will be discussing tomorrow. I have also asked that, when they do blood tests on me on my infusion days (every three weeks, separate from the Signatera test) they run a CEA test, which is another tumor marker test. They should be doing it regularly, and they aren't (I think because they are relying on the Signatera). The last time they did one around the same time, my CEA was 1.0 and my Signatera was 273 (the exact numbers are not comparable, but a normal, non cancer CEA is 0.5 or lower. A normal Signatera is 5.)

I'd like to believe there's something else causing the Signatera number to continue to climb that is non-cancerous, but I cannot find anything online. I'm to the point where I'm ready to just refuse the test anymore because all it's doing is stressing me out.

Hi OP - I have to agree with #173 - I don’t think that this doctor has been a good match for you - he has let too much time go by - he has left you with too much stress and too many questions. I googled “increased signatura numbers without cancer” - Op - it does leave some hope. I am so terribly sorry for this awful turn of events - but hang on if you can. I know it would be difficult with your insurance - I hope you can find another doctor. ….. We are all here for you for what that is worth,

I hope you get some clear answers and some peaceful, relaxing time with Raleigh before you have to make any further decisions about more diagnostics and treatment. Second opinions are always useful. Please think on this option.

Take care and all of my best. We definitely are here for you!

Went to my GP today. He thinks the stomach issues are some sort of gastro-intestinal paralysis, but he's not sure why. So I have an appt with a gastro dr. at the end of January and they will probably run some scopes and tests. In the meantime, my GP made some suggestions about how to eat, and to try an antacid for 2 weeks to see what happens. He said the gastro would probably prescribe it, so i may as well get the jump on him and if it doesn't work, we've saved time.

Hi Op! That still sounds stressful and painful - BUT it does sounds a little more promising! I hope you are feeling a little better. Did the Dr think that was messing up your numbers?

He couldn't say because it's not his area and he's not super familiar with the Signatera. But I will talk to the oncologist in the morning.

Hey OP, just checking in and hope all is well.

Hi OP, thinking about you and Raleigh on this rainy night in the Bay Area. I hope you've been able to get a bit of snuggle on. Beaming coziness your way. Besos and scritches.

Hey all-

Chemo yesterday and I came home and was so tired, I was passing out on the couch at 6pm. FInally dragged myself to bed at 8pm and slept til 9am.

Had a lengthy talk w/ my oncologist, and a friend accompanied me. He is perfectly willing to see what's going on with the numbers, because he, too, is baffled as to why the Signatera is rising and everything else is clean. He also told me there is no reason for me to "start getting my affairs in order." He said that some cancer hospitals don't use Signatera because it's so new, and that he is not fully relying on it, he just wants to have all the information available to us and be as pro-active as possible.

I am seeing a GI doctor later in the month, and then we will likely be doing some tests to see what's going on there. He doesn't think it's cancer-related (nor does my GP) but he wants to get all the information. Once we see the results of that test, then he will make a decision as whether or not to change my chemo regimen. He also told me that the drugs he mentioned are not "last chance" medications, and we have many options open to us. He definitely made me feel better and made me feel like I'm not about to wave adios to everyone. I have so much stress in my life right now, that I cannot tell you all what a relief it was to hear that. And this is not a guy who likes to put a happy face on things. He's not negative, he's just no bullshit. My friend who has been with me, gathering info since cancer #1 and has been to multiple appointments and various doctors felt good about him, as well.

Also got blood work yesterday and asked to have a CEA (which is another tumor marker test). I believe I mistakenly wrote earlier that their norm is 0.5. It's actually 3 or lower. My CEA yesterday was 1.7. When I had it done in early Nov, it was 1.0. Now that's a big discrepancy with my Signatera number (even though they are NOT on the same scale) which has been going up and up and since Oct, has gone from 270 to 697. This doesn't mean I am not concerned about the Signatera number, but if we were to take all four tests- the scans, a regular blood test, the CEA and the Signatera, and only one of the four was showing something, then I feel like we proceed with caution, and in the meantime, I am going to see if I can find any doctors with more knowledge and experience in the Signatera tests and results and perhaps have a consult.

Poor Raleigh has been lonely. I slept 13 hours last night and then went in for a 5 hour nap this afternoon. He was crying at my bedroom door and rambunctious as hell when I got up. I was trying to exercise him last night using the laser mouse and I left it on the couch. It has now disappeared. : )

I'll tell you the one good thing about this stomach ailment- it's keeping me from the cookies! I have been tempted so many times to get sweets and I take one breath and it feels like I have a bowling ball in my belly and I am immediately uninterested.

Oh, I forgot. Raleigh's birthday is tomorrow (Sunday). I think. The shelter told me he was 6 years and change when I adopted him last April, and the paperwork said he was born in Jan 2017 (which seems odd, but as someone who follows lots of cat IG accounts, I can't say winter births are impossible). So when I got him, I designated his birthday as Jan 14th. He is going to gets lots of Churus and snacks and maybe even some deli turkey.

Thanks for the update, OP! At least the news si semi-positive. Having a doctor you feel comfortable with and trust is definitely important. I hope your fatigue recedes quickly so you can spend more quality time with Raleigh and enjoy life.

Happy birthday, Raleigh!!

That is really great news!!! Yipee! Isn’t wonderful to get much needed sleep and not be filled with dread? I know this has been such a strain - so glad that you had a promising update. …….. Sunny sends Raleigh the Happiest Cat Birthday Greetings!

Another rainy night thinking of you and Raleigh OP. I promise this isn't me hinting for a new Raleigh snap. I swear. Truly. Honestly.

R186 - 186 - You are a mind reader! On this rainy Saturday evening I have been cleaning the oven ( my mom melted yet another plastic container - serenity now! ) and I when I settled down I wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing this week. ….. OP I hope you had a less stressful week than the several before it. I hope that you and Raleigh are enjoying the rain.

'I have so much stress in my life right now, that I cannot tell you all what a relief it was to hear that. '

The stress plus your relentless paranoia about putting on weight is probably causing the stomach issues. You do present as having an eating disorder with all this obsessing over calories when you have Stage 4 cancer.

I don't have an eating disorder. I have gastroparesis, which is paralysis of the digestive system.

I've tried to not let comments get to me on here through the two threads (and there have been only a handful that have been negative), but you don't know me and you're not helping.

'I don't have an eating disorder. I have gastroparesis, which is paralysis of the digestive system.'

Rabbits get this (it's called stasis for them) and it can kill them in 24 hours. Have you been given any gut motility meds, OP?

I'm seeing a gastro doctor on Thursday. Things are moving, but they are moving very very slowly, which is why I'm not eating much.

I think that OP is a smart grown up who has been through this cancer for years at this point. I think that he is trying not to “ feed” the situation with sugar - I think that he is trying to do over what is causing some of his symptoms. …. I got turned away from the dental school that was going to work on me yesterday - my blood pressure was was 171 / 92 and 162 / 110 on the next reading - I was floored I have always had low blood pressure …… Good luck at the Gastro on Thursday, OP

Hey All. Just got back from the gastro. They concur that it's likely gastroparesis, but they want to look inside just to be sure. I am getting an endoscopy and colonoscopy on the same day. Unfortunately, it won't be happening for a month because of my chemo schedule, but I will put up with it. I'm just happy we have something booked.

Wow - I’m so glad that you got that done and you have a better idea of what is happening. It sounds painful - but I am so glad that it isn’t part of a spiral like you were fearing a few weeks ago. Thank you for letting us know. Goodnight to Raliegh!!

Sounds like good news, r193! Wishing you well, I’m sure it’s a tough road, but luckily you have a great companion in Raleigh.

Happy Friday! I hope that all is well. Lots of rain on the way here in L.A. Good sleeping weather. Hello to handsome Raliegh.

A little Raleigh for your pleasure.

He is GORGEOUS! ! What a contented guy. Look at those little pink toes!!!

Thank you, OP! Was hoping for a Raleigh fix. This might sound odd, but he looks like he smells really good. Something along the lines of a combination of post-bath coziness, a jacket recently worn in the rain and a weekend nap.

Speaking of rain, I hope you guys are snuggled up safe. We are getting hit pretty hard in the SF Bay Area and I hear it's hammering down your way as well.

Besos, scritches and towels warm from the dryer.

Hahaha. Other than his tuna breath, he does smell nice. And I've recently discovered he is intrigued by the concept of tummy raspberries. I tried it on him once and he sat there with a sort of- "Hmm, that's- that's... okay, yeah. You can." expression on his face,

Ohhhh, best to you in SF! We had a decent two days, but I know the bad part is coming today and staying through Tuesday. I expect to lose power a few times. Our building has horrible wiring and even if we have medium to heavy wind, we lose it.

Trying to keep everything charged up just in case.

xxo

Hi - Checking in on one more Saturday night. Did everyone survive the rain? …. I think I was alone too much - both my mom and Sunny seemed to age this week. Still worried about the future and present. But I can’t complain (I know - I just did ) we are all here , happy and alive. Hey OP - I hope that your stomach has been kind to you and you aren’t experiencing pain. Give a big hug and kiss to precious Raliegh.

You can complain any time you want. I'll listen. Doing okay. Stomach issue is still going on. Have my pre-op tests on Monday and then both procedures on the 29th. Thanks for asking.

Got to see my pal from here, MrE, this week after a while, and that was a real joy! But I walked uphill to where we were meeting and boy, did that really highlight just how out of shape I am. I think starting Monday, I'm going to make that walk once a day to see if it can help condition me a bit.

Hi OP. It is pretty gorgeous outside today in LA - how fun to have a good face to face visit with Mr E. More excercise wouldn’t hurt any of us! … I hope that your upcoming tests and procedures are going to at least be tolerable / you have been through too much for too long now. …… I am stuck in a spiral of worry and anxiety that I haven’t been able to pull out of - I am a very optimistic person but the financial pressure and my mom’s health are heavy on me. I’ll snap out of it but it is hard while I am “in it.” This too shall pass. A good friend was sort of very crummy to me this week - or at least I took it that way so it just compounded things. Well it is so pretty out I am going to take a good brisk walk and “shake off the dust.” ….. Have a Good week everybody! Hi Raliegh!!

Hi Op & Raliegh and friends here - stay warm and dry this week!

Hi all! Another stormy day. Hope everyone is cozily hunkered down so they can enjoy it. I am looking for any recommendations for a good book or show. I like things on the campy side--certainly not mandatory-- though I do like finding out what folks enjoy for guilty pleasures. Besos, scritches and hugs!

R205 - Hi! Ok - if you have Hulu - if you would like a low brow (although Angela Bassett would beg to differ) if you haven’t tried it - Ryan Murphy’s “911” - Peter Krause, Angela Bassett , Connie Britton etc plus great LA locations. the short first season isn’t great but the show is NICE. And sort of comfort foody for a rainy week. - I love Mad Men, Sopranos, Homeland. - but 911 is just sort of campy fun.

Swarm is a wicked satire on the "Beyhive". It's a shame the lead actress didn't get nominated for an Emmy. On Amazon.

I like the lead actress in Swarm, but I have not yet watched it.

Hi OP - You have a big week full of tests and procedures coming up - sending prayers and good energy your way!!

Hey all. Just popping in to say hello. Procedures are Thursday, so tomorrow I start bowel prep (fun!). My guess is they are not going to find anything, which means we will have to do another test for the gastroparesis. These two procedures this week are to rule other things out. But I'll let you know by Friday what they said.

Sending positive vibes OP. Hope the bowl prep is going, um, swimmingly, and that you have a good book to read while you are strapped to the can.

I just drank the first bottle of solution and, holy fuck, it was worse than I remembered. God, I could barely choke it down. I can't face having to do another one in the morning. Blech. Now I'm trying to drink two 16oz bottles of water over the next hour.

And then I'll crack open Barbra's book.

That sounds awful - the drink - not Barbra! Barbra is a fun if not long read. Hope you and Raleigh have a good night. good luck tomorrow!

Results for the colonoscopy were clean. The endoscopy showed a small hiatal hernia, signs of gastritis and one more thing which I forget, and my report is all the way across the room and Raleigh and I are tucked in too tight for me to get up and get it. Had a weird experience going to the bathroom tonight, and I will talk to the surgical center about it when they call tomorrow (unless it repeats). Also the lymph nodes in my neck are a little swollen and I'm cold. (We have the heat on and are cuddled under a blanket.

I probably won't talk to the GI doc until next week, but I will call their office tomorrow to make sure we have something on the books.

May not know much for a week.

xxo

Glad you are home safe and snuggled with Sir Chonk. Happy nesting.

Besos and scritches

Hi OP, Raliegh & everybody. Another Saturday - time flies. I hope that everyone is feeling well and happy. OP - I hope that your gastritis is at bay and your appts haven’t been too stressful and you are enjoying yourself a bit. ….. My mom thought that she had a stroke on Wednesday. The arthroscopic in her legs is so bad that she can barely walk. I raced her to urgent care - she was charming and lucid and other than being 87 and barely able to walk they said she was fine and sent us home. She has seemed to get worse each day since then. Little Sunny is starting to get skinny again. His appetite is good and we are still doing the Sub Q fluids - I hope I am just being a worrier….. I am trying to catch up a little before the Oscars tomorrow. I watched Killers of the Flower Moon yesterday and Oppenheimer this morning. I want to watch The Holdovers or Anatomy of a Fall tonight but I have a feeling I will fall asleep sooner than later with King of Queens on a loop in the background. ….. Does anybody have any Oscar favorites this year?

R216, nice to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Have you followed up with her reg doctors? Those urgent care places are sometimes iffy. I hope she'll be okay.

Don't worry about Sunny. Rufus got thinner as things progressed, but it didn't mean it was near the end or anything.

Please keep me posted on both.

Hi OP - Thank you for the good word about Rufus! Sunny has been such a little champ with all of this but has started really “using his box” more than his usual and feels even more delicate. It’s good to know it isn’t necessarily taking a bad turn. His very serious depressing soulful handsome vet wants him to come in for bloodwork - I just can’t do it right now - things are just too tight. …. The landlords want to come out AGAiN this week to check room to room and under the house for any repairs or plumbing issues. Grr - they were here in November! I’ll put the tvs on 7 today for the Oscars red carpet and do a fast clean all over - have misplaced the vacuum charger cord. My mom loves watching the Oscar stuff - even if she can’t remember who anyone is. …. ramble ramble. it is a beautiful day outside - you and sweet Raliegh have a Happy week!

Hi OP, Hi Raliegh! Hi Guys!

Happy Saturday Night! Just checking in and hope that everyone is well. Well - it was time to order Sunny’s food and Blood pressure medication on Chewy. The Vet’s office called and said the Dr would not authorize a refill without bringing Sunny in for an office visit, full blood panel and blood pressure test - so grumble, grumble and $300 later I went to see the very serious, depressing soulful handsome vet. All very good news Whew! Sunny’s blood pressure was normal on his meds. He has NOT lost weight like I had thought that he had. All of his bloodwork had improved and the Dr told me to stop giving Sunny Sub Q fluids for the time being so if/when he needs them later they will pack a better punch. It turned out to be a really good visit. …. The Dr didn’t ask me to join him and run off to Hawaii to begin a new life - ha, ha - otherwise it was a very good day.

I hope all is well!

Oh my gosh, that's great news! Yeah, those vet visits can add up, but it sounds like it really worked out all around. So happy to hear.

Apologies for not having posted more. I have been extremely down lately and feeling very negative and I have a lot of thoughts of death swirling around my head. I've stopped going to my support group because I don't want to infect them with it. No one who is fighting to stay alive through cancer wants to listen to someone talk about giving up.

I am hoping to push through it, but I just don't know. Honestly, the thing most keeping me around is looking at my apartment and knowing I would need to pack everything up and get rid of it so it's not a burden on my friends, and I just don't have the energy to do that.

I am so sorry OP!! have you gotten new information that you haven’t mentioned or is it the tick tick tick of time going by that is wearing you out? I have to tell you I thank God for Sunny’s good news because I have felt very dark thoughts creeping up on me the last few weeks and I have been feeling thoughts of an exit. That isn’t like me but I am startled by how bleak I have felt. So much is financial - my mother is sliding to another place and yesterday made an odd suggestion of ending things - ME ending myself - it was like having Mrs Danvers in Rebecca whispering over my shoulder. I shook it off right away but I understand the solitude and the mental worry loop can be oppressive. I can’t imagine how stressful it would be worrying about your cancer returning - it must be torture . Has your gastritis eased up? ….. OP thank you for the continued kindness and curiosity that you have shown me - give Raliegh a big kiss - I hope today can bring some happiness!

Ps Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!!!!

Dear OP, as a fellow man with thoughts of death swirling around my own head as you put it so well, I want to encourage you to get back to your support group. I know what you mean by not wanting to "infect" them with your thoughts, but please trust and believe it doesn't work that way.

When I hear someone telling me what mental and physical state they are in, or are feeling that they are in, no matter how dark-- it actually helps me pull up my socks to be stronger, or it helps me to relax into my own state of being. It is like, wow, not just me then? IT HELPS NOT HINDERS! Please do reconsider going back. If even only one person there gets a boost from knowing they aren't alone, you have done magic for them. Personally, I can confirm.

One other thing, try not to pile on your noggin thoughts such as needing to clean out the apartment. Like my daddy used to say, California could fall off into the ocean at any time, so live in the now and not in the what if. (Yes, he was not much fun at parties, but he had a good point.) Anyway, once again, please rethink about going back to your group. If you want to start fresh, and you feel that would help, find another one. Besos and scritches.

Raleigh needs you OP! The poopy nugget won't be the same without you.

OP, just giving you a big old hug and kiss.

Hi - I missed my usual Saturday night stop here to say “Hi.” So - Hi! …. OP - I hope this week was a little better than the previous one. I am sorry that that the worries are so heavy. If you need anything OR nothing, please let us know. ……., have been so worried about my mom her decline, the landlords, money, work and future - I hesitate talking to people. I dread the “Well, HOW did it get that way?” Or “What is your plan of action?” It is easier not to talk. So anyway OP and Raliegh - rain is on the way and enjoy the day!

Folks, I think this is going to be my final post in here. I've been having increasingly more pain the past couple weeks, and my Signatera numbers have been going through the roof. And a couple days ago, I started having back pain that I instantly recognized as soon as it began because I've felt it before. It's very distinct and it can only be bone metastasis pain.

We had scheduled a PET scan for today when the blood test numbers shot up and I just got the results. If I was in better health, I'd hang my shingle out as an oncologist because I was 100% correct. Everything is growing again like a Spring garden and there are new bone lesions, as well.

I haven't yet spoken to the doctor because they haven't yet seen the report, but I know what's coming, and it's going to be horribly invasive chemo that reduces the quality of life for maybe another year? I have no reason to stick around for that. I have so many things wrong with me right now that I'd been contemplating this even before the back pain started, but this just seals it.

I'm going to actively pursue assisted suicide after talking with my doctors this week. It's not going to be overnight, but my hope is that by summer I can get approved. This isn't something I've decided lightly, but a choice that I have had in the back of my mind since the cancer came back a year and a half ago. So I am going into it quite clear eyed and sure.

I don't see any reason to keep posting here about this. I don't need to make others miserable. I do want to say how much I've appreciated everyone's company, well wishes, concern and affection. (And yes, I have a plan for Raleigh when the time comes.)

Thank you for being there.

OP, your strength and courage, your sharing all the ups and downs of your treatments has made a major difference in my life. And I think for a number of others as well.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and decided to jump into treatment with all I had. After the surgery, I wasn't able to tolerate the drug therapy after switching between four of them. I'm still NED, no evidence of disease, and will just keep plodding along and look for some more good years.

Please consider continuing here and give us a chance to give back to you. Otherwise, extra hugs for you and Raleigh, plus pleasant journey to the other side.

Love and kind wishes to you and Raleigh, OP.

Op - so much love and good wishes to you and sweet Raleigh. Thank you for sharing yourself and your life this last year and a half. I know what a hard fight this has been. It is so sad and not only will you be missed - I will always remember you. I don’t have anything to say that wouldn’t be hokey. If you and your little guy ever need anything ….

Sincere hugs and kisses to you and Raleigh OP

Dearest OP and Raleigh, sending both of you much love. If you want to tap out of this thread that is obviously your choice. I encourage you to keep us around in case you are having a hard night or hard day. You have vibed how this was going to go for you for some time now, and so far you have been pretty much on the nose. It makes me both sad and impressed that you are taking full charge of how you want your destiny to play out.

I get the sense you want to do this all on your own, privately, and I respect that. Not meaning to speak for the other folks here but I hope you know that while we aren't literally with you, we are fully with you in spirit. We want the best, most easy way for you to feel as long as you are able, up until the time you can't any more, and even beyond. I have great respect for you. Please know that you and your furry sidekick have made a lovely place in our hearts. Besos and scritches forever and always.

PS. I'm still going to check in from time to time so you might want to block me now. :)

Wishing everyone a Happy Easter!

Anyone possibly indirect contact with OP and Raleigh?

He's okay but not great, r234, been in contact with him this week. He's going to go through a chemo round on Monday.

Mr E - thank you for the update. Thank you for keeping contact. Sending OP and Raleigh good wishes and prayers. best thoughts to everyone here. Happy Eclipsing to all.

All of my best to OP, and I hope he can remain comfortable for much longer, staying with Raleigh. Thank you for the update, Mr. E.

Y'all stay safe and don't forget to wear protective glasses if you're out eclipsing!

R235 Thanks so much MrE for always being there when one of us sends up the "Bat Signal" (Cat Signal?). It is a comfort. You are a true mensch.

You're welcome everyone. I've introduced him to some of my dear friends because I felt he really needed a gay family to support him right now. They really like him and have offered help.

That is so good to know - thank you Mr E. - you are a good man. OP and Raleigh are so dear - I am glad they are surrounded by warm supportive people. It is difficult to go through sad stressful times alone.

r240, ever since our DL patron saint Brian Nash died-that tore my heart out, I didn't want to see the same situation happen to OP.

I can't find the first thread, but here is #2 of 4 for Brian Nash:

Thank you for the link!

Oh crap, sorry Sunny & Co, that is the thread for our other DL Patron Saint, Mark. That is his husband Joe that is telling us the bad news.

Let me try again- and I found the original!

R244, the husband was Mark, Joe is the DLer who passed away.

R240 - Mr E - Thank you for the Brian Nash link - it is so moving and inspiring - he seemed so lovely.a real mensch - what a heartbreak! I also looked up his art. That thread and his art would actually make a great book!

[quote] I don't see any reason to keep posting here about this. I don't need to make others miserable.

Isn’t that the whole point of posting here? Or are WE supposed to make YOU miserable? I’m confused.

Hi OP and Raleigh. Sending you a fresh supply of cozy thoughts. Besos and scritches

Hello OP & Raleigh and friends - Another Saturday night and I hope that everyone is well or contented. I enjoyed a rare afternoon out today - nice neighbor kept an eye on my mom. I saw the matinee of Funny Girl at the Ahmanson - loved it . Just wanted to say hello and send good thoughts your way.

Hi guys. It is starting to drizzle over here in the SF Bay Area and it always makes me think of OP, Sir Chonks and the gang here. I hope everyone is in a good headspace, and if you aren't and want a chat, I'm never too far away. Dinner is steamy, juicy and fatty carnitas with a massive amount of Pico de Gallo and corn tortillas. I also have a monster chile relleno on the side. Plenty of chips and 3 kinds of hot salsa too. Fucking fabulous. Why yes I AM a fat whore, and a rejoicing one at that!

Cozy thoughts to all. *burp* Ahhhhhh...

Hi Op, Raliegh and friends! 🎼”Another Saturday night ….” ….. I hope the week has been tolerable if not great. Sitting here with Sunny and “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Feeling pretty isolated lately - my poor mom is so unsure and unhappy and cries and is negative. It is exhausting - I know she is just scared and confused.oh well - aren’t we all!! …. Hey friend in the Bay Area - your description of your juicy fatty carnitas meal sounds heavenly - it was almost as good as having it. ….. Op I hope that you aren’t in pain mentally or physically - sending you and Raliegh my prayers and Best Wishes!

Hi everyone. I feel lie an asshole taking up the time we have set aside for OP. My depression has hit levels I have never seen before. No medication helps. I am scared. Nothing more, nothing less, but scared I am. I just wanted to peek into the little family we have here. I have nothing to give right now, except much love.

Besos and scritches always.

Oh Bay Area! I almost stopped in yesterday - such waves of worry and regret I felt swamped and didn’t feel I could call anyone and didn’t want to say anything here. I hope that you are feeling better today. Maybe something is in the air contributing to our mean blues. As Scarlett says, Tomorrow is another Day! ….. Go walk if you can. Get the ingredients for a cheese soufflé and make one if you never have. Paint a room. ……Watch Knots Landing on You TUBE I hope that you can break out of the depression…….Hey OP and Raliegh - it’s a cloudy day in LA - I hope that is a good thing for you - I think of you both so often - and so fondly!

Bay Area - I’m sorry - I didn’t mean to sound so Pollyanna - I know none of the suggestions I gave would work for me right now - I didn’t mean to take your situation lightly!

I hope OP has better news with all of the treatment he is going through. Or at least some resolution so he can be comfortable. His amazing courage and ability to share made a world of difference after my own diagnosis of cancer.

My best to all for a pleasant and relaxing weekend.

[quote] Hi everyone. I feel lie an asshole taking up the time we have set aside for OP.

I was told you were upset with me and it makes me feel terrible that you would feel this way. Please don't feel like you wasted time talking to me or posting on here. I truly appreciate everyone who took the time to do so, and if I didn't make that clear before, I hope I am now. It's not that I wanted to be "through" with anyone here or discard you. It's that I feel like where I am, mentally and emotionally, right now is pretty dark and I don't want to drag anyone down with me. And to hear that you are struggling with depression makes me glad that I haven't been sharing it because I would not want to make it worse for you. I am truly sorry you're struggling right now, and I can empathize with you.

I also left my weekly support group for the same reasons. These are people who are battling their own cancer issues and I have nothing to give them, and I struggle daily with whether I want to stay alive. Who needs to hear THAT when you're trying to stay alive yourself!

But please know how much I've appreciated you (all of you) and that I do hope the clouds will part at some point for me. I do not take the past year and a half on here lightly at all.

Oh my god, OP who in the world told you that I was upset with you?! Literally nothing could be further from the truth. I don't think any one of us know each other in real life except you and MrE so not sure how you could have been told that. I think you are absolutely amazing, and Raleigh is a treasure. I hope we can get this sorted, because I am very, truly fond of you. Sometimes I feel I post too much and that must be irritating.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words. I wish I hadn't said anything about my situation because it feels a bit selfish. On the other hand, I wouldn't have discovered this awful misunderstanding and have had a chance to fix it.

Have a restful peaceful night everyone.

Besos, scritches and hugs

No, no, it was not MrE (who I have not talked to about DL in quite some time). And I can see it was a misunderstanding. There is nothing to sort out, and there is no such thing as any of you posting too much. I'm just happy to see that it was a misunderstanding, because it would have bothered me greatly to have upset you.

This is a thread where I hope we can all talk openly about pain, depression and despair without feeling guilty or judged.

OP you don't need to give me anything, I just want to sit next to you for awhile. x

Thank you OP for clearing the air. What a relief, and I do want to stress that I wasn't pointing fingers at MrE, he is our wonderfully comforting Batsignal

Very well said, R259

Same here R260! We can take turns giving Raleigh cuddles.

I appreciate everyone here so very much.

Besos, scritches, and a mellow evening to all.

Hi OP, Raliegh and everybody. How did another Saturday night get here so quickly? I have a a lot of what should be simple stuff (important though) to take care of this week and feeling a little paralyzed. It will all be fine annd I want it done and I will look forward to NEXT Saturday night! Have a nice week!!

You too Sunny & Co! For me my nemesis is the dreaded bin night. Thursday. ((shudder)) I would fucking SWEAR Thursday is coming every third day. I know the whole "time speeds up faster when you get older" thing, But that fast? I also have a nice fat chunk of agoraphobia, so bin night makes it all the more delightful. *eyeroll*

R263 Does Bin Day = Trash day? ……… I am short on rent - it will come together but stressful none the less ….. Meanwhile my lovely mother - the one who people said that she reminded them of Claire Bloom or Laura Petrie is at the moment sobbing and irrational. She “Sundowns” late mornings - by the afternoon she sort of shakes out of it and is much better . I am working - selling online - from home and it is so hard to not let it be a strain. Luckily Sunny is perfect. ……. Thank you guys for letting me ramble - I have learned not to text or call anyone when I’m pulling my hair out - I just get lectured about what I “should” do. ….. Hey OP - it was good hearing from you last week. Give Raleigh a big Kiss for me!

Sending everyone good northern lights sightings and energy. Hope to spot them again tonight. Pretty fucking magical!

Hello OP, Raliegh and everybody! I hope that everyone is in a good place tonight. That shot of the Northern Lights is gorgeous - I didn’t see anything in LA - you had a beautiful view in the Bay Area! …… wishing everybody a Happy Northern Lights Night and have a Happy Mother’s Day!

Hi Op Hi Sweet Raliegh Hi Everybody - Saturday again - the weeks are really slipping by. I hope that everyone is well. An Ugh of a week for me. Trying to send positive intentions and make sure to have a better week. Stumbled on Boogie Nights at the very beginning tonight. I love that movie. Now Jessie’s Girl is stuck in my head.

Ok - channeling Billy Joel , “It’s -10 o’clock on a Saturday….” I hope everyone is muscling through - how did Memorial Day Weekend get here so fast? ….. I got really sick this week and I am so behind. Just a bad cold with a terrible sore throat and cough and exhausted - I just couldn’t move. That has put my mom at total loose ends - kept hearing her bang around in the kitchen putting things on odd places. She looked up at me and asked me of my mother was going to join us for dinner. And that rascal Sunny was mad that o have been sleeping - his box wasn’t the was the little gentleman prefers it so he pee peed on the bathroom floor. So _ I’d had better shake myself of and get back to it tomorrow. ……… OP - sending you and Raleigh my very best wishes and thoughts. All I can say is I pray you are not on an awful place - Op Raleigh and all my friends here - I hope that you are having a Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Just wanting to check in with everyone. I was going to write a longish update, but I'm feeling incredibly lightheaded right now and I'm writing mostly to connect myself to something, because I feel like I'm going to float away any minute. Was taken off chemo for a few weeks to recover from side effects and started up again this past Wed and it's hitting me hard this time around. So I'm kind of orbiting the apartment.

Hope everyone has a nice holiday and I will update more soon. Sending everyone xxo.

OP

Hello OP - So happy to hear from you! You are on such a roller coaster - being light headed must be spooky. Do you have a paper bag you can breathe into? Or a big pillow that you can lay on your side and hold onto until “you land.?” IMake sure that you eat a little something. I used to do both of those little tricks in my drinking days! …… Anyway OP - Hang on - We’ve got you!

Great to hear from you, OP. Hope Raleigh provides a little bit of grounding for you.

Best of everything to you OP!

Up in the middle of the night in pain and I can't get back to sleep. Just a little of what's going on with me right now, at least the most immediate.

About 4-6 weeks ago I started having a lot of gum pain and it was thought to be from the new chemo I'm on. Eventually, all the painful spots healed except one in the lower left back area past my last tooth. I kept feeling this rough spot with my tongue and I could see it was white. It turns out it's osteonecrosis of the jaw. It's a rare side effect, not of the chemo but of a medicine they've been giving me since last summer called Xgeva, which is for bone strengthening. Given to me because of my bone metastasis. Basically, my jawbone is exposed and the spot is dying or dead.

The pain has gotten progressively worse. I've seen an oral surgeon, who said he didn't see any infection, and prescribed a 2x a day oral rinse called Peridex. It could take up to a year to heal if it doesn't get worse. I've been taken off the Xgeva, and I have to say I am more than a little angry that I wasn't told this could possibly happen, though who knows if it would have changed my mind in taking it. Certainly I would not have taken the last dose I had, which was well after the symptoms started.

The pain in my jaw- it's like constant, intense throbbing. And it travels up the side of my cheek and over my eye, so my sinus is definitely affected, as is my ear. Also, when I sleep, my tongue rests against the exposed bone and forms a kind of canker that causes even more pain. Nothing fully takes the pain away. We've tried Tramadol, Norco, Gabapentin. If I take 800mg of Advil or 500mg of Tylenol, it will take the edge off, but it lasts maybe 4-6 hours. And I cannot take that much NSAID for an extended period of time. And last night, I realized that I'm now having some sort of periodic discharge from it that's maybe bloody, but not. I have no idea. I also saw an infectious disease specialist yesterday who echoed the oral surgeon that he sees no infection, but the discharge doesn't taste like fruit flavor, if you know what I mean.

I realized yesterday that I'm coming on two years in July since the initial pain in my head began that finally led to the tumor diagnosis a couple months later. That's two years of one chronic pain or another (which I won't detail for everyone). I'm exhausted. My body just cannot take any more indefinite pain. I'm trying so hard to stick it out, because I know the new chemo is working, at least for now, and can extend my life a little longer, but what's the point if I'm just going to be in constant pain?

I've been away from my weekly support group for a few months. Like my decision to stop posting here, it was that I didn't want to bring others down who were struggling with their own issues. But members reached out to me and I decided to go back this past week. Everyone was lovely and welcoming and happy to see me, but I found myself putting on a happy face for them and not really talking about what I just unloaded on here. But someone had to get it because I just can't hold it in anymore. I think next week I will be honest with them and say- I'm not fine, I'm still having the feelings I had that caused me to leave in the first place and how do I deal?

Thanks for listening.

OP - what an F’ing nightmare got you - it must be unending physical and mental anguish without relief - I can’t tell you how my heart hurts for what you are going through - I am sure you are well past the point of finding much solace in anything. I have felt corned and afraid in my situation. I went to a friend I have had since I was sixteen about two weeks ago and told him that I wasn’t ok - to please keep in touch with me - He gave me a salad and sent me home in a Lyft and he hasn’t checked in once since. People are funny when you let them know you are hitting a breaking point. I did feel some teloef to say it even he didn’t “hear” me it was a relief of sorts to say something. … your anger must be over the moon - you can’t “walk away” from yourself for a few days. …. This willl sound very Sue Ann Nivend - my teeth have shifted and broken and I have awful TMJ - I have been to two dentists - they both sent me home because my blood pressure has gotten so high - BUT - PLEASE try this if you think of it. On Amazon order a jar of “Dr. Christopher’s Cayenne Ointment” - it is $20. When my TmJ and dental pain kicks in and I take pain medication - THEN got you cheekbones - outside on your gace - dot your cheekbones, jaw bone and sinus with the cayenne ointment - basically like Indian warpaint - it certainly won’t take your pain away but wow - it really cuts my “panic” pain - it dulls it considerably. It’s worth a try. …… Hey I won’t pounce on you and matter on each time you post - It is just what you posted hit so many buttons - Please post away and let it out. Enjoy the May Gray and get some rest. I hope you can find a little relief today.

Wow - I wrote that message without putting on my glasses. - so sorry for the crazy typos!!! ^

Dearest OP and Raleigh. I agree. What a fucking nightmare, but beyond glad you are posting again. Please, do it when you feel like it, or just stay cozy and quiet in your burrow. There are no wrong answers. Just know that you are deeply cared for.

Besos and scritches and refraining from bitching how fucking hot it is out here...oops. Well IT IS!

Hi OP, Raleigh and everyone. Saturday , again. Have a good weekend And B a happy June.

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your dental woes. I can relate a teeny tiny bit, between the tooth"jewelry" I constantly need as they break down, and severe sinus allergies. I hope you can stick with your support group, remember they can't read your mind and need you to lead them. Love and quiet moments to you OP, and everyone.

I hope you have a comfortable weekend, OP, and have better opportunities for effective pain control and healing. Please keep posting when you are able.

Hi OP - Saturday night has rolled around again …. I hope that your chemo is working but not giving you terrible side effects. The description of what was happing with your jaw and your gums and teeth sounded so terrible - I hope that you have found someone who could help you stop some of the pain. I hope you are having some comfort or pleasure this week….. Hi everybody - I hope that everyone is well in our different corners of space. My mom is too weak to walk and is so disconnected and sad. It was easier when she was stronger and being obtuse and driving me crazy. This on going sadness and anxiety is bittersweet. - Gah! Ok - enough with that!! ….. Have a happy week!

Hi gang, I'm going to fall apart in the next couple of days yet again. WHY is it that heat is something rentals are a must to be provided or they aren't legal? Yet, in California, A/C isn't? I'm sure I have bitched about this before, but if not, or if I have, I AM BITCHING ABOUT IT AGAIN!

Best thing is to install a couple of those climate control units that provide heat and air-conditioning from the same unit. They go on the wall and have an outside unit too.

Hey everyone. Chemo knocked me out the past few days. Sleeping round the clock and getting dizzy when I stand. Just coming out of it. Sorry to hear of your A/C woes. That's the worst. Please try and keep cool as best you can.

xxo

OP

Dearest OP. As always, sending cozy thoughts your way. Get all of the sleep that you can, and be wicked careful when/where you stand up and move around first thing in the morning, (or anytime really.) When I had my horrific shitty situation, (though not nearly as bad as what you are experiencing), I quickly got very past my stupid "shame" (so fucking dumb of me) about maneuvering on the floor on my ass until I felt it was OK to stand up. Even then it was touch and go and scary. I know this is obvious advice, but sometimes we need to hear it. Much love to you and Sir Chonks .You are going through SO much, but the selfish part of me would love to see another photo of him. No pressure, just cozy. Always.... xo

Hi everybody - I think this is the the first really hot day in L A this year. The a/c went out today and ugh - I join you on not being able to stand the hot weather . I think I will finally get the ice cube hat this year. ….. OP - I hope you have been able to “come up for air” and feel a little better after your latest round of Chemo. …. Best to everybody!!

Hi there OP - Hi Everybody - this has been a hot uncomfortable week in LA. I haven’t gotten much work done lately - I have to buckle down. There was trouble with the AC and the plumbing - lot’s of waiting. The plumber took 3 days to get here. The intense landlords raised the rent by $240 a month - at least we are staying - for now. I was worried - this is the 10 year anniversary of living here - I have been shaking my head - I have not been productive these lady 10 years. ..,, Took my mom to her GP yesterday. It was fine - lots of referrals for tests and physical therapy. . No matter where she is she can’t wait to be somewhere else. …… POOR Joe Biden!! OUCH - That was not a good thing. ., …. Op - with your chemo and and dental treatments - I hope that you are cool and as comfortable as you can be and enjoying yourself a bit - Hi everybody. -I hope that everyone is well. …. Stay Cool!

No fucking A/C and a fat fucking heat wave on my doorstep. I resent anyone who has air conditioning. I don't care if it is petty. Sending cool thoughts to everyone here. Raleigh, maybe you could get you dad to backcomb your fur? Is that the term? I would bitch and moan more, but I am already too hot. I'm sure you are all deeply disappointed. Besos, scritches and sweatos.

Hello to OP and everyone. I am on the midsouth-Atlantic coast so hot summers are normal. This one is just earlier and already dry. My A/C is working so far, because I had to have a new unit put in (sigh). Y'all stay cool and safe. OP, I hope you are as comfortable as possible and Raleigh is taking good care of you.

Not being a smarty pants - look on Amazon for the hat that you put ice in - they are kind of like Migraine caps. That should help - for 8 minutes!!! In the heat I usually find myself wandering around Vons frozen foods aisles (wearing shorts) letting the cold air hit my legs. It’s not pretty but it is cool!!!

That was my post ^ - knock on wood - I do have good A/C so far this year. If anyone is in town - stop by and cool off . I’ll be ironing. You could watch a Law and Order SVU Marathon with my mom - and explain who Benson and Stabler are. Every half an hour. …. Who is THAT girl? Benson! Benson! Benson!

Happy And Hot 4th of July!!

Ditto!

Happy 4th, everyone. Sending love!

Wonderful to hear from the OP. Hugs and scritches to you and dear Raleigh.

Hugs right back, OP

Happy Saturday Night , everybody! Get some rest.

Raleigh photos please, OP!

Seconding what r297 said! Pretty please with cat hairs on top!

I will take some photos of him this weekend, I promise.

Things have not been great this past week. I've been very sick, very tired and I can feel my energy ebbing every day. I so want to be the person I was before all of this, but I can't seem to manage to do even the easiest things. The chemo is really kicking my ass, the side effects are horrible, so they give me more drugs to combat them, and then I have different side effects from those. My jawbone is exposed because of a drug they'd been giving me to combat the issues with the bone mets. Now I am in constant pain in my mouth.

Last week I finished the 6th round of the new chemo, so a couple days ago I did a PET scan and it detected new cancer, so I'm not even sure why I'm bothering at this point. I know I'll never be cured; it's not that I'm hoping for that. I just had hoped I would have periods of remission in between treatments. But I now know that's never going to happen, either. I'm just going to keep switching between medications in order to keep me breathing.

I just don't understand what I did wrong. I was so diligent with my treatment, with my check-ins and my tests during the long remission I had. But somehow I failed and I wish more than anything I could go back and fix it.

OP, I have followed your posts for months and have come to admire you more than I can express. You have not failed in any way, shape or form. You are heroic. Truly.

Love you and thinking of you. Wishing you and Raleigh the greatest peace possible in the days ahead.

Dearest OP, you must feel miserable, and beyond frustrated. As you say, you were and have been so diligent. My vote is to try and kick the "I failed" thoughts to the curb. You have been doing all you can, and that does not equate failure in my book. Everything must seem like it is shitting the bed all at once, and there is no safe place to hang your mental, emotional or physical hat. That is truly a fucking hard place to be. Try to stay in the now (yeah, SO easy isn't it? Sorry.). Do what you can to keep the past and future what-ifs-and-whys at bay for a while. Do what you can to give yourself a break, and find some cozy. We are here, holding the space for you to feel heard, appreciated, understood and loved. Besos and scritches and one hell of a long, gentle hug.

You did nothing wrong OP, please don't take a speck of blame. I understand what you describe about the problems of taking meds for the original meds, and pray you get some relief. Hug your kitty for us. xxx

OP - Today is my birthday and Lucky Me - Here you are!!! I think that you answered your question - you haven’t done anything wrong. You have been methodical, diligent, thorough - this is just maddening, awful and not fair. I wish ( I think we all do ) that there was something I could do to make any of this better for you. I think that you would be surprised how often we all think of you - and hope and pray for the best. ….. Meanwhile, Another heatwave is on the way …

OP, I've been on this thread since the start and have always been impressed by how disciplined you are about trying to lead a healthy life, even in the most discouraging of circumstances. You were even denying yourself cakes and ice cream to make sure your weight stayed stable so you were in the best shape for chemo.

Please don't beat yourself up about not doing enough. Cancer is simply one hell of a bitch, random and unpredictable, defeating our best laid plans.

OP, checking in - thinking of you and Raleigh.

🙏

OP, I am very saddened that you aren't doing well and having so many side effects from treatment. You inspired me to face my own diagnosis of cancer with some courage and perseverance.

This may sound stupid, but do any of the topical products like Oragel give you some relief? Or the old standby, clove oil? I certainly hope you can get some pain control and all the damn side effects start reducing.

Hi OP - Hi everybody! I missed my regular Saturday night check in. Last night I got a frantic text from my neighbor up the street - he wanted to know if hide his vintage refrigerator in the driveway behind the bushes in my driveway. Um - sure - I guess - why not? It was pretty funny ANd ODD to see A brown man and his son frantically rolling a refrigerator down the street under cover of darkness. he is “the Guy” the Bobby Canivale meets Cliff Claven of the street - a neighbor who doesn’t like him took a photo of the fridge and sent it to the city. So now o am the recipient of the “hot fridge.” The most silly Summer thing to happen so far this summer. …. Sunny is losing weight. It was a year ago that he was diagnosed with kidney disease. He is starting to get delicate but he still loves to eat. I have to get him back to handsome serious vet soon - I hate myself thst I just can’t afford it yet. …. OH - our rent went up $260 a month - it has gone up $500 in two years. I’m just hanging in. BUT their daughter hadn’t moved in - yet! ….Oh Kamala!! That lightens a few dark clouds ….. Well thank you for the Sunday night ramble. I’ve been watching Gymnastocs, tonight. OP - I hope this weekend has been not awful - maybe a little enjoyable. Just know - you have friends out here thinking of you . fondly…….. Have a happy week, Everybody!

okay sorry - a GROWN man NOT a BROWN man ^^^^^

Hello all. I'm in the very middle of my 4-day, post-chemo haze where about all I'm good for is napping and staring at the TV.

Just had a meeting with my palliative care team, which always depresses me because I feel like they know something they aren't telling me. I know that's silly in a way, and I don't mean that they are keeping things from me, just that they have the experience of dealing with many people in my situation and know outcomes and have seen outcomes.

It's very difficult to know how to feel and how to set my brain. Some days I'm just ready to die. I know that may sound defeatist, but it's just the pain and discomfort and uselessness of my existence makes me feel like- please, let's just get it over with already. And some days I want so much to live, but to be better. Not even necessarily cured, just human. My palliative care team suggested I talk to my oncologist about maybe taking a break from my treatment so I can feel good for a little while, but I'm not sure that is the right thing to do. I am at least going to wait to see what the new genetic tests say before making any sort of decision.

The cat has been a bit of a pain lately, but what cat isn't? They have their own minds and their own wills and they have no idea that you're not feeling well. They're gonna do what they want to do. And that's okay. I am so happy whenever he comes and plants himself next to me for hours, and I'm downright joyful when he sleeps on my chest. It's so nice that we can comfort each other and I am so glad to have him.

I redid my will last week, but I need to get it signed/witnessed. Just a couple changes, but necessary ones.

I hope you're all doing well and bearing the heat.

xxo

OP ♡

All our best to you, OP!

OP, thank you so very much for taking the time to let us know how you are. ❤️❤️

Thanks so much for the update OP. I considered refraining from commenting that it sounds like with the changes to your will, you may be planning to give us your stuff when the time comes, as is tradition. Then I reconsidered refraining because I'm tacky like that. Cats...those amazing beasties that can be complete assholes one minute, and the coziest loves the next. Good job, Raleigh for bringing some normalcy and lovies into the home. Everyone stay cool. It's not so bad now, but I think in a week or so I'll be here whining. JFC, just block me now.

Belated birthday wishes to Sunny and Co. I hope you had a happy one! Besos and scritches and candlelight wishes to all.

Hahaha. I told a friend of mine today that I was going to have a "tag sale" before I go, and invite all my friends over before I die to put stickers on anything they want. And I want to see battles!

I'm sorry I missed your birthday, Sunny & Co and I hope you had a lovely day. I'm sorry about your rent increase. Landlords, man.

Hi OP & Friends - Happy Saturday night! OP - I am glad that Raleigh is there to bring you joy and quiet your mind sometimes. I hope that you are feeling a little better - although the ongoing dental pain must be just awful. …..it is so hot and humid tonight - it smells like it rained. I am too tired to go look. Both my mom and Sunny seemed extra delicate this week. She keeps forgetting who random people are - I don’t know why it annoys me at odd times - ie Kathie Lee Gifford or Jack Nicholson . BUT - she is so happy and excited to be following and cheering on Kamala Harris. She asked me twice today when she would be choosing her VP - so that’s fun. Although I have not been able to convince her that she did not go to high school in South Pasadena with Pete B! …Poor Sunny has fleas - I keep vacuuming, and doing laundry but can’t knock them out. He has the flea medicine on his shoulders - I don’t know if ibis little system could handle Capstar. He sees me coming with the Flea comb and stoically takes it. ……. Have a happy week everybody !

Was up all night with jaw pain. I had an incident on Thursday night where I was getting ready for bed, brushed and flossed, and discovered my mouth was full of blood. Something ruptured or opened above the exposed jawbone and just bled for about ten minutes. I had been having increased pain again. Made an emergency visit to an oral surgeon (not mine) and he told me there was infection, and put me on antibiotics. But the pain has continued (no more bleeding, though, thank goodness), and last night I was in bed reading and I couldn't open my mouth without some effort. It was like the jaw muscle had frozen. I worked it out, but it was (and still is) super painful.

To top it all off, the cat has started to pee in front of the litter box on the rubber mat. It started about 6 weeks ago. It's very intermittent. I can say he's done it both times I have changed the litter in his box, but I don't know why, as it's the same box, the same brand of litter, and everything is in its place. (And it's not the only times he's done it.) I have had to clean up after him four times so far. I know it's not medical because the incidents have been very far spaced apart. I had another cat (a female) who did this for over a year. Had her to the doctor a handful of times. Nothing was wrong with her. There was no rhyme or reason to when she would pee outside the litter box. Never poop, just pee. I had to keep puppy pads down all the time, that's how frequently she did it.

I don't want to get angry with Raleigh, but I have such limited energy these days. Today I had planned out a number of things to get done in the apartment, at different intervals with rest periods, and cleaning up after him, washing the bathroom floor and the mat, taking out the garbage, etc. has just knocked me out for the time being.

I'm supposed to talk to my oncologist tomorrow in advance of my next chemo appt this week and I am going to seriously discuss the ramifications of stopping treatment. My body just can't take anymore. I made a list of the side effects that are currently plaguing my body on a day-to-day basis. I came up with twelve. And those are the ones that are every day. Some are intermittent. But even getting off the couch is an issue with me. Every time I stand up, I get dizzy and have to hold onto something and wait for it to pass. This is no way to live.

Sorry for the super bummer of a post. I appreciate you all listening (so to speak).

How often do you wash the box out between changing litter?

Could try that.

Also may be signs of a bladder infection.

WOW OP - I am just so terribly sorry for the unending pain and anxiety that you have been going through. Please - you aren’t a bummer - this is your life right now and sometimes you have to let go and share it - we are happy to be there with you….. … Ok - I have an oddly good memory - or used to my old friends count on me to help remember THEIR stuff. Ok - when you very first brought Raliegh home - didn’t he pee pee outside the box? I remember that he scooted a lot but he also urinated a few times. He was stressed in a new situation - he loves you so much - and he is a smart cat - he might be sensing that something is wrong - he could be stressed that YOU are stressed. … Because my mom isn’t enough to handle - Sunny has decided that he can’t #1 AND #2 in the same box. So now I have 2 boxes in the bathroom for him. PLUS he likes to have company when he goes. If his box isn’t pristine he will narrow his eyes on me and squat next to it. He might have a kidney issue or a UTI . I would try adding the second cat box. I know that is a lot of additional work - it just might do the trick!! I know one more thing to worry about!

OP, the situation with your jaw sounds awful. Thank you for letting us in on what you are going through. I'm glad you have the appointment tomorrow to discuss what you outlined in your post. Please let us know how it goes. I'll be with you in spirit, and I'm certain I won't be the only one.

Short of a UTI or other medical issue, I'm thinking Raleigh is dialing into what is going on, and this is his way of expressing his own upset at what you are dealing with, as well as letting his frustration about how it may be affecting the dynamic between you two be known. This was my experience at least, when I was dealing with some seriously heavy shit, and wasn't being "present" in the way my beloved fur bearing being had been used to. It was also true for me at the time that this particular form of acting out was just about the last thing I could deal with. It eventually subsided, but there was indeed, understandably, tension. Sending vibes for it to ease soon.

Besos and scritches and wishes for a restful night.

So sorry OP, hope the antibiotics help a bit. Your 4 legged rascal and his box - stop it, sir.

Thanks, all.

Sunny & Co- He didn't pee outside the box when I first got him. What I probably mentioned was that the volunteer at the shelter told me he had been surrendered because he had "litter box issues." But I have had him for 16 months and these past six weeks are the first sign of any issue whatsoever.

I think you all might be right that it's more emotional and sensing what I'm going through, though I try to keep him next to me as much as possible. I have been spending more time in my bedroom, where he is not allowed to go.

I do love him to pieces, so I will just have to deal with it and figure it out.

And yes, he still scoots his ass across my rug. That has NOT changed. But that's relatively easy to clean up. I get the pet stain spray and scrub it out. It works very well.

How did Sunny wind up with fleas? I hope you're able to get rid of them quickly. No fun.

I am so sorry you are not doing well OP and continue in pain. One of my cats began having issues after I started treatment and our schedule was in disarray. She checked out totally normal at the vet, so I was advised to start using Feliway to help with her stress, up the treats and play sessions. There were some prescription meds that were options, but this and some OTC calming cat treats did the trick for us.

I hope the best for both of you.

Reading about everyone’s sensitive and emotional cats on this board is awfully sweet. We live in a little house built in the 1950s - we have been here 10 years and a lot of upkeep that the landlords probably should have done hasn’t been. There is a Sunroom with a lot of large windows with screens. The house has been shifting a bit with age a heat. I had setup a sort of Catio in the sunroom - I put up cat trees and a tall table with a cat bed. Sunny’s 3 playmates have passed away in the last few years plus having CKD - he doesn’t have as much fun anymore. He was really enjoying lounging and watching out the big windows during the heat wave at the beginning of July - he reminded me of “Snoopy and the Ted Baron.” He liked laying pressed against the open screen and get totally hot like he used to in his wild boy outdoor days. Then I noticed - the window sills are cracking and knocking the screens a bit out of alignment - BUGS and Fleas practically jumping out of the sills. So Sunny is double fumed. He is still battling fleas AND his play room is off limits until the windows in the sunroom are taken care of. Now he is stuck inside watching Law and Order SVU marathons with my mom. …. I hope Raliegh is feeling better soon.

I have two cats but they have access to the outside world (I live in the UK) and their toilet habits are thankfully a mystery to me. They have no natural predators here really but I know they do in the US so it's not safe to let them outside

Sorry for the quality of this, but I had to really zoom in on it, so it's blown out.

This is a first. He's crawled into this little cubby and is snoozing in it. Should I be worried?

I wouldn't be. He's just finding safe snuggly spaces. If you hear yowling, and he's roaming from room to room, then maybe worry. Looks like he's in a meditative cozy zone.

That’s normal. Cat’s always sleep in weird out-of-the-way spots.

Oh no - that is so sweet - he is just being clever. I still think that he looks like a Butterscotch Sundae

He just found a new cosy place to hang out. Cats will do that.

When you are ready to tell us, I am interested to know how your latest appointment went, OP.

Besos, scritches and wishes for tolerable humidity (if there is such a thing) for all of us.

I don't have a lot of answers right now. I went for chemo yesterday and the genetic test had just come in the night before. Basically, I do have a mutation, which is not good. They immediately took me off of one of my chemo meds, which was said to have no benefit, and only gave me the other. They gave me a hard copy of the report, which I sent to a friend whose husband is a scientist who does cancer research. He looked at it this morning and mentioned that three of the report pages were missing, which I didn't notice, so now I have to chase those down.

Bottom line is I need to get on new meds ASAP.

Oh Boy OP - then you have to chase down those pages and figure your new medical strategy while you are struggle with the aftereffects of your Chemo! You dear man - I so hope that they can find what you need and you won’t feel so sick this time!! Get some rest!!

Hi OP and all. I did not know humidity could...humidify...to this extent. This fucking blows.

Everyone keep well. I said it earlier, and I am saying it again, and I will keep fucking saying it.

Sending besos, scritches and all tolerable humidity vibes. xo

Hi r333 , OP and everybody - Agreed - the humidity - blurg! I just wanted to check in with a Saturday night “hello.” The big excitement of the week is my mom’s new walker. She is still trying to navigate corners. These poor doorways - she had been smacking into them for the last few days. …. OP - I hope that your pain level is tolerable and you get some of the answers that you are looking for. ……. Sending everybody my best -

This humidity blows! I warned you guys I would keep saying it, well here I am; saying it, and worse, dripping from it. Ew, I just grossed myself out--not an easy task I might add.

Enough of my cunting (for now) about the weather of all stupid things. Dearest OP, may those pages pop up soon (perhaps they have already) and you can get on the new medication immediately. May it bring you relief.

R334, I hope you aren't "seen" as a corner, because those walkers pack a wallop. I hope her navigation skills improve quickly!

Besos, scritches and drippage

I have been spoiling him like crazy the past few days. He hasn't peed in front of the box since Thurs morning, and that was because (I think) I was so sick when I got home from chemo that I crashed in my bedroom for 13 hours and he was without me for too long.

He's been glued to my side and has been getting so many rubs and skritches, treats and love.

My 15 year old aircon broke recently and I got it replaced for £1200 which I think is a good deal. I can't survive a hot, humid London summer without it so I don't know how you guys cope in LA.

r337- is that for a window unit or a standing unit? That is incredibly expensive! You can get a decent one for under $500 here in the U.S.

R336 Op - Raliegh looks absolutely content - what a wonderful weekend he has had - he sure loves you! he is so handsome! …. I hope that you have a more comfortable week!! You certainly deserve one!

Pretty bad day today. Started out okay, but I was getting progressively dizzier and more lightheaded. And Raleigh peed for no reason on the mat. I was sitting with him quietly. I cleaned it up, went in for a nap and have been getting worse. I just took a shower and I could barely stand up. I did it as fast as I could and was hanging on to the walls to dry off. I managed to get to my bed and collapse for about an hour. Still lightheaded, but sitting up.

What if I can no longer take care of myself?

Hi Op - How scary - I know that you are having dental pain - are you eating / drinking enough to keep up your strength? …… I didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to be a “me too! Me Too! “ but Wednesday night - and he NEVER does this - Sunny squatted in the corner of my mom’s room and urinated - he is getting thin I’m worried BUT after I cleaned it up 8 looked up some renal cats peeing outside of the box (I know Raleigh doesn’t have CKD) but it is pretty common . A lot of people we online were singing the praises of Improvia Washable/Resusable Under Pee Pads for Dogs and Cats - they are on Amazon. ….. If you are feeling more and more vulnerable alone - send out the bat signal - I think you have friends and aquaintances who would be there for you to navigate the situation. …My mom just FINALLY got a physical therapist that comes out twice a week for twenty minutes - I still don’t quite know how it all works - but there is this woman at the door - I am silly that I have fought “programs “ for so long but I can see I need help with her. I am sure that there is probably a “program” through your treatment that would send someone out a few times a week. OP I am sure that I have asked and I am blanking out - do you have brothers or sisters or cousins around? …… OP - I can’t say I know the terror that you are going through. I am embarrassed to be a grown up and say this - My mother and Sunny are the only family I have in the world. No aunts ; uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews - no one. So I also have the simmering fear that down the line - especially if I inherit my mom’s dementia (her father and sister died of it - I’ll probably get it); who will watch out for me? Who will care? I sometimes lately feel a HEAVY anxiety for the future and wonder what will happen if I can’t take care of myself. ……… OP - enough of that for the moment - I hope you are able to unwind a bit. Could the dizziness be vertigo?

[QUOTE] is that for a window unit or a standing unit?

Neither. Standing units are inefficient. It's an inside unit on the bedroom wall and then pipes and pump in the attic, with the outside unit on the back wall of the house. Very similar to the kind you get in nice hotel rooms.

I only need it in the bedroom for sleeping. The AC cost £700 and the rest is labour charge as it took four hours to replace the old one.

It gets the room temperature down to 18c in about 20 minutes so I'm happy.

OP I think Raleigh is reacting to you being sicker than usual and getting stressed himself.

Sunny & Co- I understand your fears. I don't really have any family. Only child and parents are both dead. Last night my friend and I did discuss a home health aide if it comes to that.

I do have friends who have said they would come over and clean up, but by the time they get here, I will have done it myself, anyway, because I couldn't handle just letting pee soak into the bathroom floor.

I might have to start putting down pee pads, which is pretty much like admitting defeat. I had it with another cat and I dealt with it for nearly a year and a half and it practically drove me insane. And I wasn't sick back then. I woke up this morning to him having peed all over the bathroom floor. It was just everywhere. There is no reason for it. I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

I will call the vet today. I know it's not physical, but if we can put him on some sort of meds that will calm him down, it would help.

Dearest OP, you must feel so frustrated at this setback. Having a dizzy spell at the best of times is one thing. A bathroom though puts the scary cherry on top. I wonder if this may have been caused by the changes to your medication? Have you run this event by your doctor?

Raleigh back up to his pee tricks, right around when you are having this going on does speak to me that it is a psychological issue. That doesn't make it any less hard to deal with for sure. It will be good to get in touch with the vet and hear what they have to say.

I'm in the same boat with no one to look after me. It keeps me up at night to put it mildly. I don't make enough, or have the savings to go into assisted living, but make too much for any state funded programs. I've thought about calling around to...I'm not even sure where to start. Social services?

I have heard from others that getting a plan of care in place is a full time job, but they DO get it sorted eventually. Apparently, it feels impossible and never-ending until once you dig in and go through the Kafka-ness of it all. You start to learn the language as it were. Once you do get it figured out, you will feel relieved, and with that, hopefully no new pee landmines (rug ponds?)

Besos, scritches and much strength to you both.

Thank you, R345. Much appreciated.

If you could see him right now, he's sprawled across the right half of my lap with his head resting on my thigh, purring away. It's crazy.

I pulled up his food and water for a short period because I have the powder room door closed so I can have the enzymatic cleaner soak into the floor a bit to eliminate the odor. I don't want him clamoring to have to use the litter box. I'm resting from my early morning cleaning and will go in after I finish my coffee and wipe it up. I already cleaned up the urine. This is to just kill any smell.

It's an odd line for me, in terms of care. I remember being so angry with my mother when I found out that she had no long term care policy in place for herself. And I know they are ridiculously expensive in many cases, but the reason I was angry with her was because she had taken out close to ten (TEN!) small accident only life insurance policies that she had been paying on for years that could have gone towards long term care. The woman didn't go anywhere the last few years of her life, so I'm not sure what accidents she was anticipating. But I don't want to be in a facility. I don't want to be an invalid at home with people coming in and out and invading my privacy. My plan, if I need it, is assisted suicide. I know we aren't there yet, and I'm grateful for that, but it is my wish.

I need to find a new project, I think. I have too much time on my hands. It's not good. I think too much. I've been doing crossword puzzles, FFS. That's how you know you've crossed over to full time invalid. You do puzzles for hours, multiple times per day. And these motherfuckers all use the same clue. You know how many times I've solved the word "aria?"

I want to again say thanks to you all who post here. I hope you know how much it's appreciated. I think about you and your own situations and it makes me feel less alone. It does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. And it helps to share.

Wow! Earthquake! That was fairly strong ….. i

I just got off a call with my oncologist, and it's very bad news. I'm telling you all because I can't actually face talking to someone who I can see or hear.

The mutation situation is much worse than I was led to believe. We have discontinued the monoclonal antibody drugs because they aren't doing anything for the mutation. So I am only on the chemo meds right now. However, the osteonecrosis of the jaw is getting worse, and my oncologist feels that if we don't address it, it will cause even worse problems, so he wants me to take at least a 4 week break from chemo. Not that that's going to help, because it takes *months* for this thing to heal. But I don't have months.

The doctor now wants me to see a doctor conducting clinical trials at UCLA. You know what that means. Last resort. He was going to hold off on having me see the guy because he wants me to take a break, but I said- why am I waiting? It's a consultation. He's not going to jab me in the arm the minute I get there. Make the appointment. But again, clinical trials are a last resort and they are no guarantee.

If there is no clinical trial for me, they will resume the current chemo until it stops working. There are no more monoclonal antibodies that will work for me. I've gone through two so far. Once the current chemo drug stops working, they will put me on another. I looked it up. It is very much a last resort drug and it extends life for two months. Yes, months. Why bother?

I guess the strategy is to heal the mouth, if possible, and not worry about anything else, because there's no reason to. I've come to the end of the line with drugs that can help me. In a way, it's sort of a relief. The worst part is not knowing, not knowing how much time you have. Well, I know how much time I have now. Under a year for sure. I can start making solid plans, weeding things out, not stress about the future... I'm not going to get to see certain things come to fruition, but in the back of my mind, I always knew I wouldn't. It's just that damn hope, which is so insidious.

I was on the phone with my advocate, who was in the meeting with us, afterwards, and the cat was sitting on the opposite sofa, looking at me. And I could see in his face how stressed he was, even though I was speaking in an even tone and not freaking out. And I knew he was gonna pee, and he just did, all over the mat. After three days of being good.

OP, I am very saddened at your news. On the other hand, clinical trials can be remarkable for treatment and quality of life. I wish all the best for you and Raleigh, whichever direction you choose. He definitely needs some "happy cat" meds as well.

Op - you have been so intuitive about all of this all along. Damn. …. I feel like such a “Simpleton” saying I hope that they can hurry up and bring some relief to your poor mouth - it must be “front burner” all of the time when you have tried to take care of anything else. I’m glad that you had your advocate with you. I hope they are able to get you a meeting with the other Dr soon. Poor Raleigh loves you so much.

Stopping back in - Hey OP - I just wanted to say “Hi” - no reply needed. Actually it makes me laugh because I thought of The Andy Griffith Show - “Gomer says, ‘Hey!’l” or “Hey, Thelma Lou!” ……. I took Sunny to Handsome & serious vet today to find out why he is losing weight and weak. His Kidneys are doing really well his CKD is under control. His red blood cells are really of - the serious vet said “We Must solve the mystery of what is happening to this cat’s blood!” Then lightbulb - FLEAS! So after a lot of money and embarrassment we are working on the fleas. …… Ok - enough excitement for one evening! I hope that everyone is holding up in the humidity. have a nice night!

I just posted a thread asking about people's experience with cat prozac to see what I can find out. I did a search earlier and some of the stories of adjustment for the cat were pretty harrowing, so I'd like to know it's something both of us can handle before I jump into it, but if it can help, then I will do it.

He spent the whole morning hiding in the entertainment center cubby, then he peed all over the bathroom floor. I had to wash the floor and now I'm just spent, energy wise. I got a new enzymatic cleaner because I felt like the one I had was not neutralizing the odor well enough. Well, this one is so overpowering that it was making me cough!

He wouldn't come near me most of the day, but I have finally calmed him down enough to be next to me on the couch. And he finally leaned into me. He hasn't seemed to want to make contact as much. I know I sound crazy, but I'm over-analyzing all his behavior.

I did send an email to my petsitter tonight saying we should begin the process of exploring the rehoming situation. I have to do it soon, anyway, and I want to make sure that it doesn't have to be an emergency thing. That he doesn't go to someone who won't take care of him properly, or worse- that he goes back to the shelter. He needs to be an only cat, and he needs someone who is going to love on him like crazy and understand that he needs a lot of affection and closeness. So if it takes a while, or if I can even be part of the process, I would feel better about it. Man, that 16 months sure went fast. I thought we'd have more time.

Oh gosh OP - I am SO sorry. Do me a favor - get a second cat box. He might be getting a “ Thing” about this cat box. Just give it a try - I know that clutters up the bathroom - but give it a shot. Sometimes I will take Sunny into the bathroom - I put him in Box A then he will jump out and march over to box B and use that one. ……. when we moved here ten years ago we had three cats and I stressed out how they would handle the move. The three cats all wandered into our life and weren’t related and adult already so although they enjoyed each others company they weren’t cuddlers with each other and I was afraid they would start marking the new house. I got plug in feliway diffusers and a bottle of the feliway spray. …My old Black cat would get highly stressed and she was a big “yowler.” I used to get “Bach’s Rescue Remedy” from Sprouts - you can get it at any per store or online. I would sit with Kitty and pour a little in my fingers and hand and gently cup her nose and mouth for a few seconds and then rub it into her little cheeks - wow it was like giving her a glass of wine. You can also put a few drops in his food. …… The time is coming quicker then you want it to but see if you can resolve this issue - it is going to be difficult to rehouse him if he hasn’t conquered this habit. maybe he does need a tranquilizer for a while. Raleigh is so precious and sensitive - you know - maybe something is going on that is reminding him of when he lost his last home and he is responding outside the box. Sweet big boy!! I meant Raleigh - ha, ha!

Okay, I will try it. thank you.

OMG, this new cleaner is ridiculous. It's like Febreze to the nth degree, and I can still smell the pee under it. I just went to get a refund on Amazon and they actually want me to return it. Hopefully so they can bury it in a hazardous waste site.

I just want to hug both of you right now.

Besos, scritches and much love.

Hi OP, Raleigh and Friends - I am checking in early this Sadurday night. I’m really tired and have a feeling I’ll fall asleep early. I have fallen down the Knots Landing Rabbit Hole. There is a new free streaming channel PLEX that is running a lot of odd stuff. There is a channel of back to back Knots Landing. I am reliving my younger years. A very young Alec Baldwin has just arrived. The great Joan Van Ark storyline about her kidnapped babies is starting soon. ….. I CAN’T find the bag of medicine from the vet visit. I can’t stand myself sometimes!!! ….. Have a good night!

I am a GIGANTIC KL fan, S&Co. I read about the channel, but I want to be able to watch them again in order. I have been thinking about splurging on a bootleg set of the entire series, but I really shouldn't.

Remind me to tell you the story of how I spent a Mother's Day at Joan Van Ark's house 20 years ago!

OP, don't get mad at me, but I started a GoFundMe. I cannot stand by and hear that you'll have to give Raleigh away sooner than expected, as well as not being able to maintain your place without being exhausted.

A Go Fund Me isn't going to cure Raleigh's stress incontinence sadly.

OP - when you feel like it I would love to hear about your Mother’s Day at Joan Van Ark’s house! I am ashamed that I have escaped real life and I am still streaming Knots Landing. A few years ago - I think it was on Datalounge - there was mention that someone had a YouTube channel with all of Knots Landing beginning to end - but to find it there was a special title to look up. I wrote it down and is the the story of my life I have misplaced it. Currently I have misplaced my debit card, the unsigned lease to return to the landlords and I am still looking for Sunny’s medicine. My super hero name would be “The Misplacer.” …….. A friend of mine saw Joan Van Ark backstage at an awards show and said that her bone structure was exquisite. I always admired her Runners Discipline. ….. I forgot how handsome Ted Shackleford was back then.

r360, no but I was hoping to get a housekeeper type to help clean up.

Splurge, OP! Splurge! God knows you deserve a happy treat.

I would also like to hear your Mother's Day story please.

Besos, scritches and Knots Landing dreams.

MrE, that is totally unnecessary. I appreciate the sentiment, but I won't take money from anyone, even if I need it.

I'm actually cleaning on my own (for however long it lasts). One of the members of my support group is coming over on Thursday to install a grab bar in my shower because I've been so unsteady. My place is a WRECK. But I have been breaking it down to one room per day. So far I did the bar area on Sat, the powder room yesterday and I'm in the back bathroom (where the shower is) today. That one is a really big job, so I've broken it up into three smaller ones throughout the day. I just did the sink/vanity/mirrors and will rest for a bit, then go in and do the toilet and floor, rest some more, then finish with the shower and tub.

That is probably my biggest job and I'm feeling decent today, so I wanted to tackle it just in case I wake up tomorrow and am done for the rest of the week. He has to spend his time in the bathroom, so I want it to shine.

Disappointing news on the cat. I bought the Feliway diffuser on Friday and after I plugged it in, you could see the change in him within minutes. He was super calm, very affectionate, all over me, his pupils weren't as dilated, etc. And no peeing outside the box. All this lasted nearly three days. Last night he peed outside the box right in front of me, and did it again while I was sleeping. And this morning he's been laying in the sun all day and hasn't come near me (though I went to him a couple times and rubbed him and made him purr). So I guess we're going to explore prozac.

Cat just peed a third time. We have a vet appointment tomorrow afternoon.

He’s trying at least. . Emotional little guy. I’m glad that you are taking him to the vet tomorrow- that is getting to be a pattern. Little weird dude - I send him good ththoughts! ….... YOU will feel a little calmer when you finish your big clean up. The sense of accomplishment is so nice. I have roaring adhd - I love to plan and start - I have to get the discipline to get the tasks all finished in a timely fashion. …… Everybody needs a little Prozac sometimes …. Stay cool on this HOT day. -

I'm sorry my dear, but it's too late- people have started donating, and they're going to deposit some money in my account. So I have to give it to you! Please use it for whatever you want.

[QUOTE] Cat pee is full of ammonia, a toxic gas that can cause headaches, trigger asthma attacks, and even result in serious respiratory illnesses such as pneumonia. Children, older adults, and people with weak immune systems are at particular risk of illness due to overexposure to ammonia.

OP, this is you with your chemo damaged immune system. Please be very careful.

^how can I access the fund?

r368 Brings up a very good point.

How did it go at the vet today, OP?

They did an x-ray and took urine for culture. No stones or anything in the kidneys, so that's good. Waiting on the urine culture results and we will see where we go from there. He was very unhappy in his carrier, which he has not been in since I brought him home 16 months ago, but he got over it.

Poor you OP - it felt like the hottest day of the year so far. What a hot day for you and Raleigh to venture out. I am glad that he is well so far Fingers crossed that the vet comes up with a simple magic solution.

Oh god, it's the middle of the night and I am in horrible pain. My right shoulder started feeling wonky earlier this evening, so I went to bed early. I have yet to sleep. The pain kept getting worse and worse. I took Advil, tried a massage gun and also ice. Nothing has helped.

I know this pain. I've gone through it twice before and it's always signaled bone mets. Earlier this year I thought I had pulled something in my left shoulder, but it turned out to be new cancer and the pain was excruciating until we started the new chemo. This is the same kind of pain, only the right shoulder. And now I can't even do chemo for the time being because we're trying to heal my jaw. Jesus Christ, will it ever end?

My heart breaks for you. I wish I could give you a very gentle hug and a very strong pain reliever.

So sorry, OP. My brother has Fentanyl patches prescribed for his bone cancer and they work. You could at least try morphine? These powerful narcotics exist for a reason and cancer pain is one of them.

I'm up for the night. The pain- I can't even lie down. I just took some edibles. I wish they didn't take so long to kick in. I don't think they will help with the pain, but they could distract me from it, and maybe get me to sleep. I am so worried about stressing Raleigh out.

OP - oh awful - the torment that you must be going through!!! Have the edibles kicked in? I don’t doubt that you know your own body - when you said that your right shoulder was in pain I thought of - A - All of the cleaning that you have been doing - the scrubbing etc would hurt your shoulder. Plus - you loaded that big chonky boy into his cumbersome carrier / loading him in and out of your car can set your right shoulder off. I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this unending cycle of grief and strain! ….. Have you been able to get any rest?

I hope this is a bad reaction to the edibles, but I laid down around 5am for an hour, then I started having trouble getting a full breath in. Had to sit up because lying down made it worse.

Shoulder still hurts. I have been contemplating the ER but the idea of spending 12 hours in a waiting room, then on a gurney, makes me feel even worse. I have calls out to a couple of my doctors.

Op - I bet that you are the absolute best friend in the world. I think that you are trying so desperately to make everything alright and fix yourself and the cat and get better and not make waves that you are imploding with stress and pain - could you be having a full blown terrible heart pounding anxiety attack? What do you need right now?

I mean - what do you think might help you feel better? Is the pain as intense as it was earlier?

Don't hate me for saying this, but perhaps consider rehoming Raleigh now given the stress on both sides. You can always have visitation. I agree (and hope) that what you experienced was an anxiety attack. With all of these recent health developments, on top of everything else you certainly have a lot to feel anxious about. Worried about you, please check in when you can so we know how you are doing. Beaming love your way.

OP, I've been thinking of you all day and evening. I woke this morning and read about how much pain you were in, and wished so much that I could somehow comfort you and your little guy Raleigh. I am so very sorry you are suffering this way.

Could your docs or the ER nurses give you a shot of a strong pain med to get you relief? I'm thinking something like Dilaudid or morphine? You should not have to suffer.

Sending all love and hope your way, OP.

Ok OP - just checking back in. I hope that you aren’t in such terrible pain and that you have been able to get some rest.

Hi OP, Everything Sunny and Co said. That you were able to get something to work on the pain and help you find some much needed sleep. I hope that is what you are doing right now.

OP has always been hugely resistant to taking opiates for some reason. I don't know anyone else who has attempted to endure terminal cancer without them. Cats can sense when you're in intense pain and it upsets them so it would be better for Raleigh too if you got on top of this.

Just checking in. Hi OP, Raliegh and everybody. Op I hope that you are just lying low for a while. - I hope you aren’t in danger. Except for the DNC I have still been watching this Knots Landing Marathon all week so my high emotion alert is higher than usual !…. Oh - after almost a week I found Sunny’s bag of medicine from the vet - it was in with clothes in a laundry basket. Just nuts. have a nice night , everybody!

OP, still thinking about you; hoping your pain has lifted. 🙏 Peace and comfort to you.

I'm sorry for not being able to contact you all, but I wound up driving myself to the ER Wed morning. the pain and the breathing were getting worse. They ran a bunch of tests and ruled out a blood clot and collapsed lung. Turned out to be pneumonia. My back pain stopped (so far) Thursday morning. I am feeling better, but I am still having a little trouble breathing without extra effort, which will probably go on for a while while I heal. I have lots of meds to take and breathing exercises and a physical therapist coming to me.

Very glad I decided to go, even though I hate hospitals and I especially hate ERs. My whole back is fucked up from the shitty beds and gurneys, and I've strained a muscle in my left side from breathing so laboriously, but all will heal.

Oh, forgot to add that I just got home. Was in from Wed-Fri afternoon.

OP, pneumonia is awful, but I'm so relieved it didn't turn out to be bone mets. I've been thinking of you throughout the day today and hoping to God you're out of pain.

Thank you for checking in. I was starting to get freaky worried. You have become very important to so many of us on DL. I check your thread every day. 🙏🌺

Welcome home OP!

*Whew!*

I share your avoidance of hospitals OP, and am glad despite that you did go. Did they give you any decent food? Glad to hear too you have a PT looking after you. Hugs xxx

Wonderful - welcome home! Rest.

No rest. I'm in so much pain and discomfort. I can't lie on my back or side because I can't breathe, and my back is killing me in four places, so I can't even sit for too long. I have been up pacing all night. There has to be an end to all of this. There has to be.

Did they give you any strong opiate based painkillers?

Op - is the PT coming to check on you today? Aside from the pain are you feeling the pneumonia? Do you think you may go back to the er this morning?

New wrinkle. More constipation, so I took Dulcolax. No help. Took a 2nd dose and wound up with horrible cramps that are getting worse. My oncologist told me to take Magnesium Citrate and even that hasn't helped, so he wants me to go back to the ER for a disimpaction. Do you know how long it will take for them to see me for something that minor? I'm giving it at least another hour to see if the meds finally kick in.

I need him to declare me 6 months or less so I can go the compassionate care route. I can't do this anymore.

Oh OP - damn, damn I am SO terribly sorry!!! If it makes the slightest difference - I know the pain must be unbearable - but if it makes the slightest difference - there are so many of us that care about you and are worried about you!

The meds kicked in, so no ER. However, the cramps are so intense, I feel like I'm being ripped apart.

Ok - can you splurge on Door dash or a pharmacy that will come NOW? get FAMOTIDINE acid reducers - they are over the counter - Oversharing - I am a former bulimic - I KNOW those terrible laxative gramps. and or - lay yourself done ON YOUR bare STOMACH on your cool bathroom floor a nd just try to relax - those cramps are miserable!!!

That was me *

OP, you don't know me, but I've been thinking about you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Good Morning Everybody - It is Sunday - I hope all is well - or well enough. OP I hope that yesterday’s pain was resolved.

OP, hoping your pain has lifted. Checking this thread throughout the day every day to see if things are better. 🙏🙏

How are you feeling today, OP? You've been on my mind. Any further news from the vet about Raleigh? Besos and scritches

Hi OP, just ambling around, checking in. ~kisses~

Hi OP , Hi Everybody - still hoping for the best and sending good thoughts.

OP, 🌺❤️❤️

Hey all-

Well, Saturday night was petty bad with pain. No, it was very bad with pain. I wound up back in the hospital and just got home this afternoon. The worst was Monday when I was pacing my hospital room for 5 1/2 hours yelling in pain and there was nothing anyone could do (or would do). they had me on so many painkillers, it was crazy- everything from Dilaudid to Methadone and nothing was helping.

I'm doing better, but my breathing is still labored and I'm afraid to be by myself, but I sure don't want to be back in the hospital. My back can't take their beds at all. But I'm wishing I had some sort of full time help, medically. I don't know that I need it (and I sure don't have any room for anyone to be here full time), but for the first time, I don't feel safe by myself and that really scares me.

Boy, the cat was sure happy to see me (and vice versa). trying to give him as much love as I can. It's been about a week since I have slept normally (and plentifully enough) and I am so tired that I am overtired. I will take a pill tonight after my meeting and hopefully catch up on some sleep and get a little more coherent and less panicky.

OP, I was very afraid something like this had happened. I am so very sorry. If Dilaudid can't help, that's catastrophe-level pain. I wish everyone here at DL could take a portion of that pain away from you and bear it ourselves, as a group. We could have a pain fest while you sleep and have good dreams. If only!

Thinking of you and Raleigh every day. Wishing you a good sleep tonight. ❤️🙏💤💤💤

^ Pain fest was not a good choice of words--I'm very sorry to be so inept, OP. I just wish there were something we could do to help.

Thank you for checking in. That means a lot.

OP, I think you might be one of those unlucky souls who are immune to the effects of opiates because those super strong narcotics should have calmed everything down. There are alternatives like epidurals for back pain but that's probably too extreme.

Gentle hugs to you and dear Raleigh

I hope you can get some decent rest and get on top of the pain. Best of everything to you, OP, so you have some quality time with Raleigh.

Op - you sound good - we have all been worried about you. I felt guilty this last weekend - I felt that I should have offered to see if you needed anything or needed some to wait with you. First I didn’t want to break the unspoken privacy rule here - And I am running on fumes these days with my mother …,. BUT I think that you really need someone there in the corner reading a magazine and keeping watch a few hours a day. Do you have a neighbor or old friend who could? I know that you hate asking but I am sure someone would be more than happy to stay with you a bit during this anxious time. Maybe someone from your support group? ………. On a super shallow note Knots Landing starts from the first episode Mon night Sept 2 - streaming free on flex on the Channel Prime Time Soaps. if you just look for “Knots Landing you won’t find it. ……. Sending my best to Raleigh, too! Hope you can rest!

OP, please rethink using the funds from the GoFundMe that MrE set up. That was exactly the intention from what I gleaned, was to get someone to help lighten the load. Pride goeth before a fall and all that. These donations have come from a place of love, not pity.

I really want to post the link, but I don't want to intrude on your privacy either. This is tough. All I will say for now is anyone who knows a couple of obvious things about OP can find it in the GoFundMe search.

The good thing about GoFundMe is you can pull funds at any time. You don't have to wait until goal.

r415, we've stalled out at $1600, and he got the funds. I don't know how to get more, aside from posting more on social media. I really can't do updates, because they're not positive, and he asked not to put up identifying info as well.

Actually $1750...

I promise you all I will NEVER mention Knots Landing again BUT PLEX today released all episodes of all seasons free start to finish to available on Plex On Demand. …… I hope that you were able to sleep a bit and your pain is on low. Have a good night!

OP, I haven’t been following you, but this pain situation and fear of being alone is not good. Is it possible to go on hospice? People go on and come off, there’s no shame in it, and nurses would see you regularly to help with the pain. I have a client who went on hospice, came off, and lived another 2 1/2 years. There has to be a middle ground between the chaos of the hospital and being alone with uncontrolled pain.

Hi OP, please check in when you can. I'm concerned you are back in the hospital or that things are just so hard right now the DL is the last thing on your mind (completely understandable). Sending much love your way as well as a fat doggy bag (kitty bag?) of scritches

OP, we love you. ❤️🙏

OP, I hope you had a more comfortable and pleasant weekend with Raleigh. Please take care of yourself and accept any assistance offered.

Just got out of the hospital again after four nights. Things are really not good, but I don't want to elaborate at the moment. Just wanted to let you all know my status since it's been a while. Thank you.

🙏🌻💤

Good to see the update, OP. Really hope the doctors have managed to get the pain under control so you can relax with Raleigh for a few days.

It was 114 where I am today , so OP I hope that you are comfortable and hydrated. Hi Everybody.

I am back in the hospital. I got a friend to bring me my laptop last night. I've had two surgeries this week. I had to have a stent put into my kidney because it was blocked (unknown why), and then they did an exploratory to find out why the pain has been so bad. Found a decent amount of new cancer on the abdominal wall, so that's not good. We are trying to get my pain under control this weekend so that I can be discharged and begin new chemo (which is the shitty, crappy 2-month chemo). Therefore, I think we're hitting the end a little earlier than I expected (certainly earlier than I had hoped).

All I can say is I need them to help my pain. It is unbearable. I'm sitting for hours, rocking back and forth, trying to self-soothe and it's not helping. They find me something that works, and within a few days, my body has somehow found a way to adapt to it and it becomes useless. (I don't actually know that's what's happening, just what it feels like.)

Let's hope I can be home and pain controlled by Monday, and then chemo can begin again. Have a good weekend, all.

OP - I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what you are going through - what torture - there are no words. you have been so brave for so long and you keep being tested. Thank you for checking in and letting us know where you are. I pray that the doctors can find something that will outsmart the insidious pain. Sending you the best thoughts on this hot weekend.

They switched me to oral morphine and I have to say, it's pretty amazing. Very little pain today. I was a bit out of it, and had trouble staying awake in the late afternoon, but I also could attribute that to the fact that I got zero sleep the night before. I am hoping this drug proves to be the thing I need.

I have been doing more research on the chemo my dr wants me to go on (Lonsurf) and it sounds horrifying. Tons of dreadful side effects for maybe an extra two months. I will have a long talk with my NP about it during our appointment on Tues, but I'm really not sure why I would want to put myself through yet another set of side effects and misery when there is really no hope for things to get better. I've lived the past two years that way. If I can find a good pain management routine, I'd rather just have three months than five months of misery. It feels so good not to be rocking back and forth in pain tonight.

I also cannot believe there is nothing else available to me, treatment-wise, but I guess that's the way it goes. Wondering if it's worth seeking out a second opinion. I feel like I've been through every oncologist in LA (I've had three), but it's worth a shot, right?

[QUOTE] They switched me to oral morphine and I have to say, it's pretty amazing.

Great news! I was beginning to think you were one of those unfortunates who are genetically resistant to opiate medicine.

OP - so glad that the oral morphine has given you a few hours with less pain. I can completely understand wanting to be done with all of this but the fact that you have the desire to consult with another oncologist tells me that your fight and curiosity is still there - I urge you to see what someone else says - you are absolutely worth it. I hope you have another day with your pain under control,

OP I am so happy that finally you have found some relief. It is amazing to me how you have withstood this horrific pain for so fucking long. A HUGE VOTE YES to getting another opinion. It certainly can't help and as Sonny & Co said, it does show you have some fight still in you.

Besos, scritches and sweet dreams, baby.

Hi Everybody - my mom fell in the bathroom this morning and broke her shoulder in three places and the paramedics came and we he ave been at the hospital All day and she’s staying. . Her white blood count is really high also and they don’t know why. I’m going to grab Sunny and watch the debate through my fingers. …… Sending you the Best, OP

I hope your mom is comfortable, Sunny & Co., and responds quickly to treatment. Take care of yourself and do some recuperating as well. Major stressful day!

OP, I hope you are faring well yourself, with good pain control and quality time with Raleigh.

[QUOTE] Her white blood count is really high also and they don’t know why

Could be leukaemia, and the triple fractures in her shoulder could be a symptom of that too.

I'm home from the hospital again, after 10 days and two surgeries. I cannot say I feel any better than before, except that the pain management drugs they gave me do work most of the time.

I have not slept in over three weeks and I am near delirious with exhaustion. I am afraid I will never sleep again. I've gone past the ability to do it.

They sent me home with oxygen, which I'm grateful to have, but last night I was unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours. And when I got up this morning, the abdominal pain was horrible.

I'm honestly not sure I can do this. I feel like I need around the clock care. Already my medications are baffling to me, and being attached to the oxygen really limits my movement in my home, so I'm less inclined to take care of myself because of that. If the furniture in the hospital wasn't so uncomfortable, I would have stayed. But it was killing my back and preventing me from sleeping.

My world is getting smaller and more difficult by the day.

R436, I'm new to this thread. If you are in Georgia, I'd be happy to help you

OP, I am heartbroken by your news. You are in LA, is that right? Can you get hospice care in your home?

Echoing R437, is there someone who can help you secure caregivers? If I were in California, I could help in person if you were willing. Is there anything at all I can do from across the country? (E.g., make calls for information about home care options or make a Go Fund Me donation? Arrange for delivery of things you might need?)

I know you want to keep your anonymity, but if there is anything I can do from here in flyover country, I want to help. 🙏

r438, I would link the Gofundme that I started, but I don't think OP would want that.

R439, thank you. I want to respect OP's privacy, but the hell he is continuing to go through is so unfair and cruel. I want to help.

OP, please, please let us know if and how we can help you. ❤️

Op - what a long hard journey for you! I hope that joy will find an Angel who can hook you up with some home healthcare the long nights must be maddens for you. I’m glad they are able to help you with the pain. Sending you my best thoughts and prayers!

OP, please ask your doctor to prescribe the sleeping pill Ambien. It really works.

If you know the name of our beloved OP's cat, and if you know the general area where he lives, you can find the GoFundMe that was set up for him. Just type in those keywords and there it is.

^ ❤️❤️

Sending OP prayers - I hope this week isn’t in too much pain this week!

Hey all.

It has been an adjustment being home with oxygen. Or should I say being home while tethered to oxygen. I also cannot do very much without my O2 levels dropping, even while wearing the cannula. I just took a shower and I had to move very slowly so as to not need more oxygen than I was getting. I did get a lot of sleep last night (as compared to my usual 3 hours) but I am still not in my bed.

Raleigh has not left my side since I got home. He's been doing much better with the peeing, though yesterday, when I was going through a particularly rough patch with pain (and being vocal about it), he did pee on the floor. And he loves having me all through the night.

Housekeeper has been hired and will be here on Friday. Tomorrow I start my new chemo regimen. Very nervous about it because of side effects. I can just about handle side effects when I'm fully functional. I don't know how I'll do while in this state.

Sending you and sweet Raleigh the very very BEST. I am so glad that you will have a CNN house keeper coming out. That will reduce your anxiety at least a B little bit. Fingers. Tossed on the chemo - you have an awful lot of people out here wanting the very best for you!!!

I don’t know why that said cnn! ^

Best of everything for you and Raleigh, OP!

Thinking of you OP, big hug from 6000 miles away.

Housekeepers came yesterday and did a nice job. Feeling a little lonely and locked up because of the oxygen situation, so I'm hoping to get it fixed ASAP. The past two mornings I've been woken up with really bad abdominal pain. The painkiller they gave me for breakthrough pain seems to help, but I'm more interested in finding out what it is so we can fix it without me having to take more morphine.

Been home more than a week and my little chunkins still won't leave my side. We definitely missed each other.

So glad to hear that housekeeper is working out. You must feel like a deep sea diver attached to that oxygen! Was the chemo the other day not as horrible as you feared? When do you go again? I’ll bet that Raleigh is in heaven having you home…….. I’m heading into a stressful week - or a week of the unknown. Two weeks ago my mom fell and broke her shoulder in 3 places. She is already bone on bone in her leg. She had a rough hospital stay - but they called me to take her home with a side cane and they would send home health. I went to pick her up - they had given her morphine and she was hallucinating and freaking out. The Dr called later and told me he wanted to send her to a skilled nursing facility and she would come home in a few days. We got there and I think she thought she was being sold into white slavery - she is scared to death there - the longer she is there she is mentally declining. Now because of her broken shoulder she can’t walk. This bully of a PT is quite intimidating and says if she doesn’t walk she has to leave - BUT questions sending her home. So now I have to set up a wheelchair, a ramp etc and know I am in for a not great week. Sunny has been such a good little companion - when the skilled nursing facility makes you feel like a loser you know you are having self esteem issues!! ……. OP - I was so happy to see your message this morning. You might be feeling lonely but you are not alone!! I hope that your stomach feels better today!!!

Oh my gosh, that sounds terrible. My mom had a similar situation in a rehab facility, as did my aunt. I'm not sure that's where either of them belonged, and in my mom's case, she went directly from rehab to hospice without even switching to a different room! Our situation was similar- there was no way my mom could come home because she couldn't walk without a walker, and she needed help seating herself and getting up. And if she fell, all she had was her boyfriend, who had COPD. Is your mom doing anything like dialysis?

The last few days there has been limited staff there so she has had limited interaction. This morning I went in and saw that no one had gotten her up - she had breakfast - but the blinds were closed, the tv off, and hadn’t left the bed since I left last night. She was tearful. I had the nurse come in and get out of bed and change her and I wheeled her around the place for a while. I wasn’t going to go back tonight - I HAVE to get some stuff taken care of before the week starts. It kept nagging at me to go see her really quick around dinner. I got there and the guy at the front told me she was asleep. It was only 6 with a broken arm - she shouldn’t be asleep so early . I got in the room and she was perfectly still and could barely open her eyes - I put my hands on her face - she was running a temperature - her skin was really hot. She just kept saying that she wanted to sleep. Ugh I hate that place. No dialysis or anything like that. I am hoping that is just a UTI and not Covid or Sepsis. …There is no doctor there until tomorrow. I am sorry that your mom went through that. The PT is hinting that my mom’s brain won’t give her legs the right information to walk and stand. Is that what they told you about your mm?

No, my mom was in the midst of 4th stage kidney failure and also had CHF. The dialysis was causing dementia. They kept "challenging" her to do it a certain number of times per week. I was her healthcare proxy (or whatever it's called- Power of Attorney over both health and finances) and I could not even get the doctors to call me back so I could tell them to stop dialysis.

FInally she had some clarity and told the doctors she wanted to stop, and within a few days, she was clearer and more coherent than she'd been in weeks. She decided on her own that she was going to refuse all further treatment.

Wow OP - you have been knee deep in hospitals and phone calls and paperwork for a long, long time. Both you and your mom have been through so much. I know that your mom is gone now. You have taken care of things for a long time. It must be exhausted.!

Folks, it's just been one piece of bad news after another. There is now metastatic cancer near my lung. It's in the fluid that built up between the lung and the chest wall, and which is contributing to my breathing problems. So since I've been in the hospital, we've discovered two new areas of cancer. And we're banking on a third tier drug to help keep them at bay?

I honestly don't think I have a whole lot of time left. My oncologist clearly thinks it's more than 6 months because he won't sign off on Compassionate Care, which I do want to do when the time does come. But I also had a pretty upsetting discovery this morning- I may not actually be okay with dying. I somehow realized I would prefer to live. And I don't mean for that to sound glib. I think I was under the impression that I have known for almost two years this was going to end up in death for me, and early on, I accepted that, because what was the point of hoping for something that you know couldn't happen. So I've been telling myself all this time "just don't be a burden on anyone when the time comes." But so much has been happening very very recently on the career front, things I've been waiting a long time for, and I so want to stick around to see them happen, but I know that's not possible. And that realization really hit me hard today.

Really tough for you, OP. So sorry.

I am very saddened to hear this additional devastating news you've been given, again. Please let us know if we can offer long distance support of any kind.

My best to you and Raleigh.

I know this sounds foolish - AND I hate it when people assume that doctors know everything - but MAYBE there is hope for SOMETHING - that you are supposed to finish? Feel? Receive? You have motivated me - I haven’t really USED that motivation yet - but you are inspiring people every day. Damn, damn - SO sorry for this new layer of scary. I hope that your pain is under control today.

OP, thinking of you each day and hoping you stay with us as long as you can. On many days, you are the first person I think of when I wake up, and the last I think of before I go to sleep. Your courage, kindness, and insights about your life and illness have made a permanent impression on me and, I'm sure, many others, as has your devotion to Raleigh. 🙏❤️

Oh hey Op - I forgot - congratulations on career front!! Hang in there!

It is amazing that within tbe whirling vortex of mortality the human spirit strives to create. Love you OP

You all are so lovely and inspiring. Yesterday was such a terrible day for me in several ways, but coming on here and reading your messages mde me feel a little less alone. Thank you.

OP, hoping you and Raleigh had as good a day as possible, with no pain. Thinking of you from out here in rainy flyover country and wishing you a restful evening. So glad you are in the world! ❤️

Happy Saturday night OP, Raleigh and friends. Another mini heat wave on the way. They are bringing my mother back home from rehab tomorrow. She still can’t walk and as of this morning is in full delirium. The wheelchair and commode were delivered an hour ago. I still don’t know what to do about the ramp for the front stairs. Small voice - a little part of me is dreading tomorrow. I would like to scoop Sunny up - jump the back wall and get the hell out of dodge. ….. I love her - I hope she levels out. Maybe it’s like that Seinfeld episode where the guy is is entranced when he hears “Desperado.” my old mom will come home after several weeks away and hear the Law & Order SVU theme song and all of her brain cells will start falling back into place ……. op - wishing that you can have hopes and wishes ahead. I hope you and Raleigh are spending some nice quiet time together. …. have a Happy week everybody!

Sunny, have you managed to get AC yet in your mother's room because extreme heat makes dementia much worse and can lead to strokes.

You too. Best wishes for Mom.

R467 Yes the air is fine - knock wood. It should be - an adventure….

Sunny & Co, I hope today is going as smoothly as possible. Same to you dearest OP. You are both far stronger than I could ever possibly be. My thoughts, admiration and heart are with you.

Besos, scritches, and fuck this looming heatwave noise.

OP, hoping this weekend has been good to you and Raleigh. ❤️

OP, good morning. I hope you are not in pain today, and that you and Raleigh have happy hours together. Each day, I think of you--your courage, wonderful mind and heart, and willingness to let us into your life in these threads. Many, many thanks to you.

❤️🙏

Sunny & Co, how are things going with you? How is your mom doing?

I had a pulmonary function test yesterday and it wasn't so great. The "normal" numbers for each test are 80 or above, and all of my results were somewhere in the 50s. Not exactly sure what that means in terms of me getting off oxygen and being able to sleep in my bed again, but I have an appt with the pulmonologist on Friday, so we shall see.

I have someone coming by today from my support group to put a grab bar in my shower. He was supposed to do it weeks ago, but my various hospital stays delayed it. I am just so tired today and I feel like I'm about to fall asleep.

Raleigh decided to do a cheesecake pose and I was able to capture it with the phone. Does anyone know why all of a sudden my rug is pilling? Before I went to the hospital, there was none of that. When I finally got home, I noticed I had a ton of pilling in one section.

[QUOTE] Does anyone know why all of a sudden my rug is pilling?

Looks like Raleigh has done some damage with his claws! Beautiful photo. What a handsome apricot and vanilla boy.

Raleigh is absolutely beautiful. Wishing you comfort OP. Being diagnosed with cancer is a bitch.

Thank you.

Cheesecake pose is right! 😂 He is such a handsome boy and obviously cared for with great love, thanks to you.

OP, your updates mean a great deal. I spent some time this weekend re-reading your Part I thread and the posts from the time you experienced your first symptoms. Doing so, I was reminded of what an enormous battle you've been through, and how you've remained devoted to Raleigh through all of it.

Thank you for keeping us all posted in the midst of everything you now face. You're my hero, OP. ❤️

Maybe the cleaners scrubbed that area of the rug? Or over vacuumed?

Raleigh is definitely one handsome dude! What a centerfold:)

I sincerely hope you get some good news for a change, OP. You have kept me going after my own cancer diagnosis and I greatly appreciate every time you can post. All my best to you both!

Sunny & Co., I hope all goes well with your mom back home.

R473 - That is such a gorgeous photo of Raleigh! He looks so contented. …. Thank you for asking about my mom. She CAN’T / WON’T walk - WTF. That skilled nursing facility was was good for the first week. I feel like the 2nd week she stiffened up and drifted away a bit. An ambulance brought her home on Sunday. She is 95 lbs but heavy as hell and stiff as a board. Suddenly she isn’t even able to bend and sit that well. And suddenly it’s like Elizabeth Perkins in BIG - she can’t get on or off of her own bed - it is too big and tall for her. My back is starting to go it is hard for me to get her around. I called and asked for a hospital bed to be moved in - that should make a difference. First I have to drag her bed out of her room. Right now she is happily set up on the couch in the living room eating dinner and watching the debate. She has snapped out of it a bit and is herself. I’m in the other room with Sunny - I’m in slow panic. Or just sad. You guys must think I am just nuts. It is such a pleasure to have a little pocket of space to “check in.” Give that big handsome Raleigh a big kiss for me!!! ….. When is your support group person going to put up your grab bars?

Do not lift her. They should be providing you with a home health aide to do that. Is one coming?

When my mum broke her shoulder she couldn't get out of bed without help for the first two weeks either. She had no dementia issues; it really does alter the entire balance of your body. After a few weeks she was much better but the full healing took years and she still can't lift her right arm up very high.

I’m relieved to hear some of the balance should come back to her. Her big PT at the place sort of bullied her and I could tell right away she shut him out. They were supposed to take her back to her Dr at the hospital for her follow up x/ray. I told the Dr at “Clara Baldwin” how much I didn’t like her primary doctor - she waved her hand saying they were sending a doctor to the house, they would come to the house and have her taken for her shoulder xxray - plus nurses would be coming to show me how to “take care” of some of this stuff. I got there Sunday mid day to sign her out and she was still in bed with a Spanish channel on. The nurse sent me on my way telling me that a PT would call to set up a visit. And I should take her to visit her Primary Doctor within 5 days - that was the dud I didn’t want to take back to. I asked about the X-ray and the nurse said - Oh - you will have to ask your primary doctor about that!” So - I have a lot to figure out. Plus I am getting very little work done so I am back to stressing over money as usual. The actual nurses / workers at the place she stayed were lovely - but her Team - Young Social Worker who wanted her to mingle in the “Puzzle Room” and Nutritionist “One more bite young lady” - didn’t exactly set a clear picture to her path for recovery.

Wow, that sounds awful. I know it's difficult because we've been taught to look at medical professionals as being smarter than us (or certainly at least knowing more than we do) so it's difficult to question or stand up to them. A friend of mine lost her dad to Alzheimers earlier this year and they had no end of trouble with their home health aides. My friend is certainly someone who doesn't suffer fools, but I found both she and her mother were reluctant to say anything. It's a hard position to be in. I'm so sorry.

Hi OP - I woke up and thought of you - I hope you aren’t in pain today. Did your friend put in the Grab bar? Was he able to resist Raleigh’s charms? I don’t see how anyone could. Other than Friday’s trip to the pulmonologist - are you able to stay quiet in the AC and beat the heat? I wish all of you a Happy Day!

OP, joining Sunny & Co. as one who thought of you first thing this morning. Just hoping so for your and Raleigh's comfort and much-deserved happiness during this immeasurably difficult time. You have become such a dear person to all of us.

No pressure on you to post, but when you're up to it, your posts and pics of sweet Raleigh light up the board! ❤️🙏

I tried to get my boss and his wife to take Raleigh when the time comes. They both love cats and have had them in the past. However, she is worried about his hygiene habits, specifically him rubbing his ass against the carpet after he goes to the bathroom, as they are currently renting a house. I understand, but it would be great to place him in a home where I knew he'd get love and affection AND be the only pet in the home. But we have some time.

I am happy The Mets advanced in the playoffs. It was a huge surprise, and a delightful one, at that. I'm not sure they will go any further being up against the Phillies, but we can hope.

Is Raleigh still peeing outside his box, OP? Poor boy.

OP, you're a good person to be up front with potential parents about Raleigh's accidents. When you do find him a successor home, it will work out well, because his new companions will know what to expect and be better able to roll with it.

Raleigh seems very happy from the pics you've shared, and from what you've described, he's affectionate. Someone will be grateful to love and care for him.

I think sometimes shelter cats never get over the trauma of crowding and confinement that even the best-managed shelters are bound to have. No matter how loving and peaceful an environment you give them, they tend to carry that stress with them forever. But they are often the sweetest companions, as you know.

I had a beautiful and sweet calico cat for18 years whom I adopted from a shelter, and throughout her life, she had periodic accidents. She would also duck in panic if I reached out to pet her head. She was otherwise a perfect companion, and I miss her every day.

Sorry to ramble, OP! Glad you're getting time to watch the Mets. 😸 I hope any pain you're having is responding to meds. I think of you each day.

Sleep tight tonight! 💤💤💤

What a lovely message, R490. Thank you so much!

R489, Raleigh has been much better with peeing outside of the box, and for that I am very grateful!

OP, I want to say it because it has been on the tip of my tongue so many times - if it was a few years ago or a few years from now, I would be delighted and honored to make Raleigh part of my family. My mom is so sick and not herself and my damn landlords are breathing down my neck - I just don’t know where my life is going to be and I don’t have a place of my own. But Sunny is such a kind gentle old cat - he was so good with our sweet rescue Brevie. He would have made a hgood pal . I guess I am saying I have a sinking feeling that my life may drastically change sooner than later and although I would hope I land on my feet I can only see how tumultuous it will be - my mothers dementia is picking up steam and that wouldn’t be fair to Raleigh. He will need peace and security. But that is all down the road. Right now he is adored and is exactly where he needs to be. …. Have a happy Hot

Thank you, S&Co. I appreciate it. I hate that you are in the situation you're in and I hope things get at least more manageable. Glad you're here with us to talk it out.

❤️ ❤️ to both OP and Sunny & Co.

Gosh - I didn’t mean to thread hi Jack! I just meant I am going through my crazy time now - we all have them - my is now. I want OP to know that I think all of us think Raleigh is so special and want him to not miss a beat in his love and care. …. Today is supposed to be extra hot - Stay cool everybody!!

You didn't thread hi-jack. We're all friends here, so we should feel free to talk about what's going on with each of us.

I woke up super late this morning. I am usually up by 7am. Not complaining, but I have to take pills three times per day and I have to take them at certain times. The morning ones are the worst, because there are so many.

Raleigh slept with me last night. He was here, there and everywhere. He was the one who woke me up mostly. I love feeling that chunky butt settling in on my right thigh. : )

Hi, OP! Thinking of you and Raleigh and hoping your week's off to a good start, with time for what brings you happiness, as well as peaceful sleep at night. ❤️ 💤

Hi Op - I hope that your week was peaceful. I hope that you aren’t in the hospital. Waving hello to you , Raleigh and everyone here I hope that all is well!!

Hi, OP--echoing Sunny & Co. (whose lovely posts I look forward to along with yours) in thinking of you and hoping you are not in the hospital. ❤️🙏 Wishing you peace and light every day.

Hi everyone. Hope you're all good. I am excited that the Mets have advanced to the NCLS. An old friend of mine got us tickets to see them play the Dodgers on Monday and I'm trying to find out how to get me to the seat with as little walking as possible, since I don't yet have a wheelchair. This will probably be the last time ever (in 39 years of attending their games) that I'll get to see the Mets live, so I'm super grateful for his effort to make this happen.

Have a good weekend.

❤️❤️❤️😸

Op - a piece of dark humor for the morning - I gasped when I read that you were “excited the Mets had advanced” - I thought you were talking about cancer! Whew! So glad that you are going ion Monday! Is this the friend that you went to a game with last year? I remember you mentioning what a good time that you had. …… I know that you and your friend will have it under control BUT - my mom has a big new sturdy rollater walker - the kind with the seat. She can’t walk so she’s not using it. You are welcome to it! I’d offer up her wheel chair but it is Estelle Getty sized. No pressure. ….I know how you don’t think of getting around until you can’t get around. . Today is my mom’s 88th birthday. I should get her a chocolate shake.. …..#499 thank you for the kind words - you too! …. Have a Happy Weekend!

That's so sweet of you, but I think the stadium has wheelchairs there for use. There's no game today, so I cannot reach anyone in fan services or at the Dodger Hotline. Thankfully there is a game tomorrow, so I will call again then.

Just putting it out there - like I said - they would probably have been too small anyway!

Wonderful, OP. Big hug to your companion, and I hope your team wins!

Have fun tonight!!

Hi, OP! I'll be keeping an eye on the game tonight and thinking of you--hope you have a total blast! You're turning me into a Mets fan!

I'm home. The Mets won, and that was wonderful. I have to say that the staff at Dodger Stadium is super efficient and very kind. I got from the car to my seat with very little walking. My oxygen lasted and we had a lovely time. We left a half inning early so we could coordinate with assistive services, but by that time, I was pretty sure the Mets had it in the bag.

Yes!! So glad you had an enjoyable evening and your team won!

OP, this is wonderful to hear! Thanks for taking the time to fill us in!

Yippee! It's gonna be a good series.

Glad you had a lovely time, OP. Nobody deserves it more.

OP, thinking of you each day--hoping this week is going as well as possible for you and your sweet guy Raleigh.

Sleep tight, with peaceful dreams. 💤💤😻

I second that!! ^^^

Hey All. Had chemo this morning and then my occupational therapist came to visit for the first time. I like her and she gave me some great exercises to do. I just finished the Mets game and they took a massive beating. It was depressing.

I think I mentioned that I was having trouble eating and getting very full on small amounts of food. (I weighed in at chemo today and I've lost 16 lbs since I got out of the hospital a month ago.) I thought perhaps it was the diaphragm issue and it was pressing against my stomach, but now I believe it may be a hiatal hernia. I have pain in my groin and also on the left and right side of my stomach areas. The left is especially painful and if I press on it, it hurts more. But I have now noticed that when I eat something, THAT'S the pain I'm feeling. So I think perhaps my stomach is pushing through the wall of my upper abdomen. My nurse is coming tomorrow to see me, and then Friday I have the bronchoscopy, so I will have someone feel around and tell me what they think, and then a scan is definitely in order. Can you all believe this? I feel foolish, so many different things have been happening to me over the past two years. If it wasn't happening to me personally, I'm not sure I'd believe it.

Raleigh is doing well. I rigged up this sort of Princess and the Pea stack of bedding on one side of my loveseat so that it really elevates me, but allows me to lay out fully for sleep. It's much more comfortable than sleeping in the recliner and I feel like I'm getting better sleep. Anyway, he loves it because he gets to sleep on my chest. The only problem is he can't help himself and he scooches in to chew on my facial hair and wakes me up. But he's always either on me or around me, on the floor in front of the loveseat, guarding me. : )

Oh, man! OP, I'm so very sorry to hear about your abdominal pain and the prospect of the bronchoscopy, but it sounds as if you need follow up pronto. 16 pounds is a lot to lose in a single month. I hope you can treat yourself to some favorite foods that digest easily.

Congratulations on finding a creative way to sleep a bit better! The image of Raleigh sleeping on your chest brings me a big smile that will last all day. ❤️😻

Many thanks for the update, OP. Your continued posts mean a lot.

OP, I remember you denying yourself cake about a year ago, but now is the time to be indulging in easily digestible, high calorie snacks like ice cream and milkshakes.

They do mean a lot OP, and it is kind of unbelievable to hear about your rebel body parts. So glad to hear you have sone help. Endless hugs and kisses x

Hi All. More bad news. They found cancerous nodes in my lung. Thankfully, the procedure itself was easy on me. But I am furious with the pulmonologist. I was told he would examine me before the procedure to investigate a possible hiatal hernia. I have it in an email. And he totally pretended he never said that and refused.

Secondly, after the procedure, he came to see me and told me about the nodes. I said- Okay, but what about the issues with me not being able to breathe? My collapsed lung? The fluid? The pushed up abdomen? He said- we need to deal with the cancer first. No, my oncologist needs to deal with the cancer, YOU need to deal with your areas of expertise. And he just left. I've now seen three pulmonologists (two were in the hospital) and they've all been awful in their own way.

Lastly, my charge nurse was some evil religious nut. one of the other nurses (who was very nice) was asking me what I did and I told her a little about my docs and the charge nurse (some old Asian woman) overheard. First she told me- AIDS is over, why make a movie about it? And then she told me about how we all need to adapt to God’s law, not the other way around. and then she started telling me- we have no control over our lives. God gives them to us and he can take them any time he wants. And I thought- Umm, I’m dying, you reprehensible bitch. Have some empathy or shut the fuck up. I seriously considered reporting her, but I have enough going on right now.

Anyway, what more is going to happen? My body is telling me it's time and it could not be louder or more clear. I'm trying to stay positive but I have never been able to lie to myself for very long. I deal in facts and logic. And logic tells me I've been backed into a corner.

I'm sorry the news isn't better. Thank you for letting me vent. I think my friends are at the point where they don't know what to say.

Sorry to hear that the consultants are being unhelpful, but this might be why:

My brother has a hiatus hernia and it's diagnosed and monitored via an endoscopy (he basically has to swallow a long tube with a camera on it and they then pull it back up and out). It's a pretty grim procedure and it can't be done if the patient has any respiratory issues.

OP, your news breaks me up. All of it. I am so very sorry. The charge nurse should be administered the most vicious DL face slap imaginable, followed, quite possibly, by a grease fire--non-lethal but sufficient to singe her granny panties. And we of course do need more documentaries about AIDS, for all kinds of reasons. We need more movies made by people who are smart and thoughtful and creative, as you obviously are.

I got lost on foot tonight in an unfamiliar neighborhood in the city I've lived in for so long. It was getting dark, and I ended up near a sketchy pocket and started flipping out right on the sidewalk, very frightened, almost crying, thinking holy shit, I'm going to get gang-raped or my head cracked open or Christ knows what. It was one of those moments where I feel defeated by myself and my life. FFS, it wasn't even a bad neighborhood!--just adjacent to one.

But while I was panicking tonight, OP, I thought about you, and everything you've been through these last two years. You're a remarkable person, really and truly. Holy hell, I can't even find my way out of a neighborhood! I'm in awe of how you've managed your cancer and your life, and while taking care of Raleigh, too. You've shown those of us reading your posts how to survive, how to live, and much more than that. I thank you, many times over.

I hope you are not in pain tonight, and will be able to get some rest. 💌🙏❤ Hoping things get better, and that you'll continue to let us know how you are.

Op - what awful people you had to deal with! Saying we don’t need doc on AIDS is like saying who needs to see a doc about the Holocaust or the Civil War - plus WHY would she tell YOU that what you are doing is unnecessary? Awful!!! Plus your lungs! Holy God OP - that just is too much. I am so sorry! #521 -Getting lost is so stressful - that happened to me not too long ago - the panic starts to rise quickly. I agree with you re OP’s unending grace during his ongoing situation is a lessen to us all on adapting adapting adapting. But damn OP - you are breaking my heart. …….. i know that I am worried all of the time the last year it is exhausting - I hope that you can get some rest ….. on another note I hope that “you stole my goddamn house” is ok …..

Sunny & Co., R521 here--many thanks for your kind words and understanding about getting lost! I so appreciate it. Rising panic is exactly what happens.

OP, I have been thinking a lot about what you're going through and what it must be like for you. I have tremendous respect and admiration for the way you've navigated your illness. You are far too young to be dealing with this. It's just so unfair.

Does your SoCal health coverage allow you to see another specialist about the hernia and breathing? The reason I ask is that my abdominal hernia was diagnosed incidentally through a CAT scan, so I wonder if that's a way to avoid the endoscopy issue that R520 brought up?

Love you, OP. ❤️❤️

Hi All.

I have written my oncologist to find out what we can do about getting to the bottom of the hernia and non-cancer lung issues.

I am also trying to get a new oxygen provider because I went to order a refill (my third one) on Saturday and they can't bring it until Friday because that's the only day they service my neighborhood. (I live in a very popular, centrally located area of LA.) No one ever told me that, so I am stuck with one tank of oxygen until Friday. (Not to worry, I won't expire. I have the concentrator, but it severely limits my going out anywhere.)

The Mets lost tonight, so there go my hopes to see them in a World Series, but it's okay. The team was totally out of gas and honestly, I don't know how they got this far. The Yankees would have murdalized them! Now I can sit back and watch the Yankees kill the Dodgers.

Today is my first full day on Methadone. No, I am not a heroin addict; It's to replace my morphine for pain because there is no more morphine to be had until the end of the year. Isn't that crazy? I take a form called MS Contin for pain and I needed a refill and found out no one has it in stock, so my pain dr. switched me to Methadone and last night was my first dose. I take half a pill in the AM and half at night.

Kids, lemme tell ya, it packs a wallop. I'm half in the bag. It also did something very odd- it lightened my mood. I was on the phone with one of my best friends when I took tonight's dose, and the next thing I know, it's two hours later and I have told every story in my repertoire and listened to everything he's done at work over the past two months. (He's a judge, so I find it fascinating.)

I might need to lower the dosage a scoche.

Also, I had my first zoom with my family, who are all across the country. All the aunts and uncles are gone, so it was just us cousins. We totaled nine, but we've lost two to cancer, and soon I will join them and they will be six, but we had a lovely time. I was worried it might be difficult, but there were no tears, I brought them all up to date, and then we just started talking. I only allotted for an hour because I didn't want them to feel obligated to stay on indefinitely, but we could have easily gone longer. We're going to do another one in maybe a month or so, maybe right after Thanksgiving.

Man, can you tell I'm a little gassed? I'm sorry. I have another friend coming to visit tomorrow. He's out here from NYC doing a play and I haven't seen him in maybe 6 years. I feel like Debra Winger towards the end of Terms of Endearment, putting on too much makeup and calling everyone in for final talks. : )

Thanks to all of you for reading and supporting. I love seeing messages from you, even if you're having a bad time. I feel privileged that you share it with me and don't feel like you can't because of what I'm going through. Everyone has burdens and it so helps to talk about them and be heard.

I look back and realize this thread has been going for two years. I had no idea that would ever happen. I'm so happy to have you all here, even if we don't know each other's names or faces. I still feel like you're friends. Thanks for that.

I'm glad the methadone set your mood into the stratosphere even for a couple of hours, OP. 🌈🌞

I give my love to you and our fuzzy little Raleigh.

[quote] I feel like Debra Winger towards the end of Terms of Endearment, putting on too much makeup and calling everyone in for final talks. : )

🤣🤣😂

OP, thank you for letting us into your life via this thread. We are privileged and better for it.

Love you! ❤️

OP, lovely to hear you sounding so much more cheerful. I remember how distressed you were a few months ago when you were still valiantly attempting to ease the cancer pain with Advil.

Strong narcotics are the way to go and if they also lighten your mood, that's great! Perfect cures for insomnia too, but if the methadone makes you sleepy during the day when you want to be alert, try taking caffeine pills to counteract it.

Thank you so much for your positivity and willingness to share even the most difficult if news. You have helped me to face my own diagnosis of cancer, the surgery and treatments.

I hope the best for you, quality and pain-free time for you to enjoy Raleigh and anything else that allows you comfort.

R528, I am so sorry you are going through all of that (from one who knows) and that there is an excellent prognosis for you.

OP I am swanning around Paris and had to check on you -- I went to an evening concert at Saint Chappelle, with liong stained glass windows all around, including the altar. Said a big prayer that from now on you will STAY HIGH. x

OP, I'm swanning around Flyover City and, like R530, have been thinking of you and hoping you're in no pain.

Love you, OP. ❤️❤️❤️😻

I am a couple of weeks away from deciding if I am going to go on hospice. All I'm waiting for is the results of my most recent Signatera blood test. It recently jumped from 58 to 2222 right before I started this new chemo. If it has not dropped, then I will know the new chemo I'm on is not working, and I will be ready to shut things down.

Right now I am so uncomfortable. I can't sleep properly, I need to pee every 10 min with burning pain (from the stent they put in my kidney) and this new chemo's side effect(s) are finally manifesting. I am barely eating anymore. The thought of nearly everything I could put in my mouth makes me nauseated, and if I do find something that won't disgust me, if I take more than 2-3 bites of it, my stomach feels like I've eaten a five course meal. I went out today to see a play and I was miserable the entire time. I decided I will no longer go anywhere that isn't mandatory (doctor appts, etc.).

My world is getting smaller and smaller and I am finding it harder to come up with reasons to stay around. Once I make the decision to go on hospice, I can move forward with applying for compassionate care. I hope that won't take more than a couple months to get all approvals. My only concern would be finding Raleigh a new home, which I would start doing pretty much right after I make the decision to start hospice.

I wish I had more fight in me, I really do.

OP - I I almost finished writing another message at the same time that you were writing yours. I erased it because the tone was inappropriate . OP - you lovely, lovely person - I would give you the moon tonight if I could. I am going through so much worry now but keep remembering to push through and hope. I know you are at a point where you can feel so little hope. I am so sorry for your pain and sadness - your worry for Raleigh. I think that we would all give anything to make things different for you! Get some rest. …… Hi everybody out there!

OP, I am so very, very sorry you are going through this. I have been reading your posts for these last two years and have come to adore you. I am dreading the day you are no longer in the world.

You have been through so much with your illness, and I keep asking myself, Why this wonderful person? Why? Of course, I can't think of an answer. I just want you to have the 20+ years more you deserve.

Thank you for posting, OP. It's after midnight, but I got out of bed to check this thread with the hope you might have let us know how you are. I have been very worried.

Good to hear from you, Sunny & Co. I was getting worried about you, too.

🙏❤️

I'm sorry to be such a bummer. I did forget to mention that I started one on one therapy this week. I found a great therapist who has several years experience with hospice patients and their families. As I've mentioned before, there are things I want to talk about, but I know my friends can't handle it, and nor should they have to. And even the support group I'm in, there are certain topics I feel it's unfair to discuss in the room. There are 15 other people in there fighting to stay alive, and I feel it's unfair to talk about dying with them, even though they have never given me any reason to think that. I come in here and unburden myself to you wonderful people, who I don't really know, but I even feel bad doing that.

It's helpful for me to have someone to talk with who has experience, but who also has no issues- I'm not a friend who's dying. They themselves aren't battling cancer. And she put me at ease very quickly. I know she'll be a wonderful help.

And I don't want to minimize my friends, my support group, or any of you, who I consider a hybrid of friends and support group. : )

Whoever is in Paris, I hope you have a wonderful trip and please come back and tell us all about it when you return.

I am off the methadone. I don't think it agreed with me. My pain doctor told me I should take the shorter lasting morphine I still have as needed, so I've been doing that.

Anyone watching the World Series? I think it's pretty much over. The Yankees haven't got it. Man, I'm gonna miss baseball.

xo

[quote] Man, I'm gonna miss baseball.

Oh, damn, this got me, OP. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

Thankful, though, that in the middle of all this, you found a kind therapist whose experience is specific to your situation. I'm relieved to know. Thank you for telling us.

I hope you won't feel you need to be on a positive stage here at DL. This should be a place where you can say whatever you want.

❤️

Extra hugs for you, OP, and pats for Raleigh. Have a comfortable day.

Hi Guys - My poor mommy - yes I say mommy because this poor weak confused woman makes my heart hurt. There is some funny with the sad . I am popping in now because at 7am my passive aggressive landlord is sending a crew over to tear the roof off. Plus she is going to “pop in “ today. They knew about the roof for a month but she didn’t text me about it until Friday. They have been COOL since my mom fell - probably frantic they will be stuck with us. I don’t know - remember in Seinfeld when George becomes obsessed with Jennifer Coolidge - she is Jerry’s masseuse girlfriend who can’t stand George? He says something like “She dislikes me so much - it’s irrisitable!” That is what I feel with my landlords….. I am just sort of extra OMG since one of my mom’s PT’s Gustavo came late yesterday and casually mentioned she might need a Hoyer Lift. The thought of that is too much for the morning. Sunny is precious. He knows it. …….. Thanks for the quick ear everybody - OP - Get comfortable. Enjoy the World Series - give Raleigh a Kiss.

I hope the repairs aren't too jarring for your mom. Or you, for that matter. Sending love and good thoughts.

OP, I thought of you today, as I do each day. So very grateful you're with us. Much love to you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Sunny & Co., if I could have a few moments with your landlord--ah, geez. Probably wouldn't do any good. You're a lovely and loyal protector of your mother and deserve all good things coming your way. 🙏

Well, I just threw up for the 2ND time ever in my life. I haven't vomited since I was 13, and that was the only time. This one wasn't much other than bile because I'm not eating.

Got back my Signatera test result today, the first one since I started the new chemo. Yes, it was reduced, but not by much. It went from 2222 to 1848, which is a reduction of between 1/7 and 1/8. I'm going to see what the next test result says, and if it doesn't drop precipitously, I'm stopping treatment and going on hospice. I had a good conversation today with my care team and they are ready to go as soon as I give the word.

OP, this is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I am hoping and hoping your next test results will be what you're looking for.

Nausea is horrible--that awful, deep-pit feeling. Just one of the worst feelings you can have. I wish your doctors could give you some anti-nausea medication. Can they do something? Anything? Not being able to eat must be miserable, too.

If you choose hospice, I hope you can have the care at home. However, the one hospice facility I've seen was lovely--everything was designed to be as home-like as possible, with a quiet, peaceful environment. I have heard such good things about hospice, too.

Love you and admire you, OP. Very, very much. Hoping with all my heart for a turn for the better on your test results.

OP, I hope today treats you better than yesterday, and that you can eat something and rest. 🤞 ❤️ Love you.

All hope and positives for you, OP. Thank you for continuing to post and showing us your strength and willingness to continue with life. When and if that changes, I hope you will allow us to support you as a as we can.

OP, echoing R544, who said it just right. ❤️

OP, just thinking of you this Saturday evening and crossing my fingers that you're all right. Bummed that your Yankees didn't come through in the World Series, but I hope it was still fun to watch. I read about post-series looting in L.A. and hope it didn't affect you in any way.

Big squeezes to you and Raleigh. You are my hero, OP. ❤️🦸🦸‍♂️ 😻

Hi There. Ehhh, the Yankees didn't deserve to go further. They played horribly and handed the series to LA. But even though I don't like either team, I enjoyed watching the games and I watched with an old friend who is a Yankees fan and whom I never get to connect with, so it was a plus for me.

Feeling pretty awful with all the nausea and the burning during urination. The urologist is replacing the kidney stent in a couple weeks, but gave me an alternative of having the urine version of a colostomy bag instead, saying it would not be painful the way this is. I told them absolutely no way am I doing that. First of all, I don't need to have a bag of urine sloshing around me while I'm toting oxygen tanks, etc. Secondly, you told me the thing that you did to me wouldn't hurt and it does, so I don't believe you when you say this won't. thirdly, I think I need to find a new urologist.

I am down 33 lbs since Sept 13, not good. I'm trying to eat the blandest, most tasteless food I can find. Last night I had spinach and tofu soup and it was delicious, but at $14.95 a container, I can't afford it too often. I also got some brown rice. Just everything makes me want to hurl. I got some higher calorie Boost and Ensure, when I can tolerate it, but I would say I'm averaging about 700 calories per day.

My friend came over late this afternoon to watch a movie with me. It's awards season and I get 'em piped right into my living room, so I don't have to leave my apartment, which is nice. But it's also nice to share them with friends and to have company. Raleigh adores her and he spent the entire time she was here curled up right next to her. He never does that with anyone else. He'll visit, but then he comes to hang with Dad. Well, he didn't know Dad tonight! ; )

I had to put the heat on tonight. I've been really chilly the past few nights. Anyone else?

Op - I’m losing it - I wrote something a few hours ago and I guess it didn’t post. Op - you had me laughing out loud about walking around with the sloshing colostomy bag and the oxygen tank - how awful !!!! Are you breathing a little easier? You were having a weird hair thing a few months ago - how is that? ……. I am so glad that you have been able to spend some good quality time with old friends. What movie did you see? I have been so preoccupied the last few months everything that has been a blur…… everything I’m going through is “this too shall pass” but I am broke - I wasn’t able to work much when my mom was in the hospital and nursing facility and the n when it was time to dive back in there were some issues with work itself that lasted about 3 weeks . Everything is good to go now but I am sweating the lost time now - I have to fill my adderall prescription but the dr has to see me and it is hard to get out to see him plus $100 for the visit plus the cost of the medicine. Adderall has been a lifesaver for me - it makes me feel normal - like putting on glasses and being able to see. I have a bunch of little necessary things piling up - it will work out but it is stressful anyway. ….. my mom has fallen out of the hospital bed at home 3 times in the last two weeks. It has bars on top and not the bottom.The last time she kept screaming “Go get your Faddy to help me!” He has been gone almost 30 years. It’s scary and sad and a lot.if things were steadier it wouldn’t be as worrisome.The roofers we’re here 7 am to 6 pm Mon thru Fri. Tomorrow morning they are coming at 8 am to work on the ceiling in the living room. The heat was out all week until Friday afternoon so they fixed it in the Nick of time. ………OP - have the drs given you famotidine for your nausea? nausea is the worst. ….. Oh - the first day that the roofers were here I couldn’t find Sunny - I looked under beds , in closets - figured that he had made a snug retreat somewhere in the house. I heard yowling about 6:30 pm at the back door. Sunny marched in “mad as a wet cat” - he had been outside rubbing elbows with the roofers all day. He had been staying close ever since! ….. Stay warm OP and Cherish sweet Raleigh. Hi everybody! Sending everybody my best! praying Tuesday goes well ….

Not my Faddy - daddy. And reading my message I sound like a dumb ass talking about the adderall. - the logistics of everything were just on my mind.

Hi, OP! So glad to see your update but distressed by your drop in weight. Ensure and Boost sound like good options. I respect you for minding the nutrition part of things. When I'm not feeling well, I usually just stick my head in a half gallon of strawberry ice cream and inhale. You're a good man, for sure!

Sunny & Co., love you for being your mother's protector. Hope you can find time to take care of yourself, too. 🙏

OP, you doing all right today? I hope so. ❤️

I decided today for certain that I am moving on to hospice in the next couple weeks. I have an appt with my oncologist next Tuesday and I will let him know then that I'm done. It feels good to be certain about it, but quite honestly, I think I knew it was happening several weeks ago. I'm just in too much discomfort to keep going on this way. There's also little they can do for me to help with the worst of the issues I'm dealing with (breathing/sleeping). I could handle the nausea and the weight loss, and I could even handle the pissing razor blades from this ridiculous stent, but I cannot take how small my world has become since the breathing issues. I am ready to go.

My hope is that the compassionate care part will kick in some time in January so I don't have to deal with all these problems too much longer. But we all still have each other in the meantime, and for that I am grateful.

And look at the bright side. I won't have to suffer through another Trump presidency!

OP - you have been so methodical and organized and open to new things during your “journey” - I have no doubt that you are doing the right thing for yourself. But damn - the pain you are enduring must be brutal - especially when you it’s not going to get better. The mental anguish must be the worst - the unending thoughts ping ponging in your mind. We are all here night and day - any random thoughts - we are here. ….

OP, I am so very sorry.

I just want to say how much this thread, your thread, has meant to me over the last two years. You are truly a remarkable person, and I feel privileged to have learned about you and your life--and, by extension, about how to live. Thank you, OP.

Seconding lovely Sunny & Co.--we are here for you at all times, and as you feel able to continue posting here.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

R554 - I want to thank you for your very dear way of including me! Your posts are always so well timed and I can tell what a kind person you are! …. I hope we can all have a good day!

Sunny & Co., your kind words mean a great deal to me--more than I can say. Thank you. ❤️

OP, been thinking of you today and hoping, hoping, hoping you can sleep and breathe tonight. 🙏 ❤️

In the middle of a long night with no sleep. My own fault. I slept all day today. I got some new edibles for nausea (with both THC and CBD) and I had no idea how profoundly they would knock me out. I could barely keep eyes open all day.

Poor Raleigh has been picked up and moved all across the living room because I cannot find a comfortable position on the couch, and he insists on being in the next spot I want to try.

If they handed me the euthanasia meds right now, I would happily take them, that's how ready I am.

OP, I'm so sorry. Not being able to find a comfortable sleeping position sounds almost like the worst part of what you're going through. A couple of years ago, I had a minor abdominal surgical procedure that went a bit sideways (perforation of tissue), and I ended up with internal bleeding. I was in so much intense pain that I couldn't lie down or sleep. I had to sit up all night in a chair, and even then the pain was just mind-boggling. But it was only for one night.

My hope is that, when you meet with your oncologist next Tuesday, he can come up with a better pain-management plan. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday.

Your description of Raleigh following you from one spot to the next is so poignant. I'm sure he understands that you're suffering and wants to comfort you. He rightly loves you for all the wonderful care you have given him, even as your illness has made it harder. You have been his best friend, rescuer, and protector.

OP, do you have outside help with groceries, housekeeping, etc.? You mentioned housekeepers a while back, and I hope you still have that help. I also hope your financial situation is not so dire that you can't have these very basic comforts, and more. The idea of your having to pinch pennies at a time like this makes my heart hurt.

OP--or friends of OP's on this board--is there is anything at all we can do to help from a distance? If so, will you let us know?

Thank you so much for continuing to post, OP. When this thread hits max capacity, will you feel up to starting a new one, so we won't lose contact with you? I've been (selfishly) worried about that this week, as the current thread nears the 600 mark.

Love you, OP. ❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏

Darn it OP! I gads what torment . I can only offer “you are there - we’re here with you today. “ ….. I have been selling full time online and when I am “in it” I am very good at it and it fits my lifestyle now. BUT the last few (several) months I have gotten overwhelmed. I sell mostly vintage clothing so I have inventory EVERYWHERE and I have had to o keep moving things room to room place to place and have been having trouble tracking things. I am WOEFULLY behind for holiday listings. It doesn’t help being worried stops me in my tracks. The unannounced roof and heat took time away. Then last Sunday the landlords sent the painters to paint the ceiling in the living room without warning. Technically they can’t do that - but as Lou Grant says to Mary Richards “Wanna Call a cop?” ….. Longwinded way of saying - fingers crossed - my mom is so far pretty ok today. I have to tackle the house and get it put back together and get the ball rolling again. …….PLUs - I can hear eyes rolling - Download the Plex app if you think of it . Knots Landing is available on demand as well as live streaming - nothing is as groovy as Lisa Hartman belting out “Open Arms.” …… Besides OP - I would still love to read your Joan Van Ark story sometime. …. ok - I have blathered on long enough. ….. Have a good day everybody. OP - get some good rest if you can grab it. love to Raleigh.

Oh Boy - that message that was SO long with exposition was just meant to say - while you are feeling unwell today - I am cleaning my house and not all that far away and I am with you in spirit!

Love you, OP. I wish there was a hospice that would allow you to have Raleigh with you.

Sending love to OP all the way from London.

There is, R561. My hospice will be at home. He gets to stay with me to the end.

[QUOTE] There is, [R561]. My hospice will be at home. He gets to stay with me to the end.

That's such heartwarming news, OP. ❤️🩷🧡🐱🐱🐱

OP, I am so relieved you can have hospice at home, with Raleigh by your side.

Love to you. ❤️

Hi OP, I am physically back from Paris, with a report on the Stephen Jones exhibit at the Palais Galliera, the Paris fashion museum.. Jones is a British milliner with a long career reaching back to the 1980s -- a committed artist, expert technical artisan, and all around fabulous guy. He is so respected that "Stephen Jones, Artist" is the first show at the Galliera devoted solely to an accessory, the humbke and magnificent Hat.

The exhibit started with his London school projects and Culture Club days, rising to Ascot, Royal, and celebrity levels, and up further to his movement across the Channel to the Paris couture houses. By far the most astounding headpieces wete done in collaboration with John Galliano for Christian Dior, but Jones has worked with everyone and continues design and making in his 60s. The show was extensive, a comprehensive overview, and left no hat unturned.

A personal aside -- when I was a naive millinery student in San Francisco, on my first trip to London I went to Jones' studio, uninvited, to bring him flowers. The very very British Jones was probably horrified. He took a moment to give me some local supplier information -- I ran right over to d'Arblay Street and spent £450 of my 500 trip budget on fabulous vintage veiling, silk ribbon, fur felts etc. Best vacation ever and best fashion exhibit EVER.

Love to all sensitive artists, including you OP. xx

[quote] Love to all sensitive artists, including you OP. xx

R566, this is so beautifully put and applies so perfectly to OP--dear, dear OP.

Thinking of you each day, OP. Love to you and sweet Raleigh. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

OP, I'm thinking of you and Raleigh every day. ❤️❤️❤️

Hi OP - I was in Stater Bros Super Market this afternoon and out of nowhere you and Raleigh popped so strongly into my mind. I actually think of you at some point everyday. It is usually when I am feeling wimpy or overwhelmed about something. You have really given me the gift of perspective. Your strength and flexibility during all of this has helped toughen me up a bit in a good way. Anyway I hope you and Raleigh have found a little contentment this week. … r566 - Thank you for sharing that wonderful story. I love how you recalled spending the majority of your trip budget on beautiful vintage trim and and veiling. You really painted a vivid picture of your treasures. …… Hi everybody - I hope that everyone is having a good week!

I'm having trouble posting tonight. I just wrote a long post and it wouldn't take it. I tried cutting it in half and it still wouldn't take it, so it's not a length issue. I'll save it and try it tomorrow.

I hope OP and little sweet Raleigh had a pain free comfortable day today. I'm so glad Raleigh can be with you to the end, OP. Can your friend whom Raleigh loves live with her after you die?

Oh boy, where do I begin, my friends? Thank you in advance for listening.

You all know I had made my decision about hospice. And an agency that also had a branch of compassionate care was recommended to me by my palliative doctor. I finally researched it this week and the reviews were horrifying, so that's out, and now I have to start from ground zero trying to find a place that is highly recommended and takes my insurance. On top of that, I need to find a separate compassionate care agency. I also found out this week that much of what I need to do in order to get the meds, as well as the meds themselves, are not covered by insurance, even though CA is a right to die state.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with my oncologist to tell him I was choosing hospice. A friend and advocate who usually accompanies me was also there. He told me he understood, and that he would support whatever choice I decided to make, but that he thought my numbers looked good (they don't). And then he gave me this big serious talk about how this was going to kill me, and there was no getting out of that. Yeah, no shit. I've known that since the diagnosis two years ago.

We also talked about what the pulmonologist said abut the cancer causing my breathing issues. He disagreed. He said the scans did not show much cancer in the lungs. Then he showed us imaging of my lungs from earlier this year (early Spring, maybe) and then last week. My right lung had reduced in size by almost half because of the paralyzed diaphragm pressing up against it. So I would like to pursue getting the surgery to pull down the diaphragm if it can give me some relief.

I'm now down 40 lbs since I got out of the hospital, and my coughing is making me vomit more and more frequently. Tomorrow I am going to have the stent taken out of my kidney and I am not having it replaced.

Here's where the weird things come in. We talked about the genetic test results I'm waiting on to see if I have a particular mutation that might qualify me for a clinical trial. He said- it doesn't matter what the results are, you will never get into a clinical trial in the condition you're now in. And before I could argue that the 2nd opinion dr told me otherwise, he said- That's from that doctor, verbatim, which really pissed me off. Why couldn't he just tell me that himself, rather than have me goose chase down a meaningless report?

My oncologist also took me off my monoclonal antibody because it was causing an overload of protein in my urine, and then he recommended I hold off on going back to the chemo. I said- Why would I go back on chemo? I told you I want to start hospice. And that set us down a whole new avenue discussing my Signatera results and how good they were when I was on a particular chemo drug this year, etc. After we hung up, my friend and I got back on the phone and I said- Why did he never put me back on that particular chemo? I started it in early March, along with a different monoclonal antibody. It kicked my ass, side effects wise, but my Signatera had gotten down to 24. In mid-July he took me off of it completely because the osteonecrosis of the jaw was so bad and the chemo was impeding it from healing. For two months I was on no chemo at all, and then he started me on this shitty Kmart chemo, Lonsurf. My Signatera number jumped to 2222 and has only gone down about 300 points, which is nothing.

So I sent my oncologist a message asking him why he had not resumed the Irinotecan, instead going to Lonsurf. I wrote out my history over the past few months for him explicitly. He seemed a bit confused, but I clarified and he said he would look into it. This morning, I got a message from him saying- You're right, the Irinotecan was still working. We can put you back on it next week.

I don't know how to process this. (Let's put aside the fact that I basically just had to doctor myself. It's a whole other issue.) I said goodbye to hope a few weeks ago and made my peace with it, and I don't think I can let it back in the door again. This is not going to save me. Best case scenario is it will restore me to how I was earlier this summer, before I was on oxygen and couldn't walk more than 10 steps without gasping for air. This may make me a better candidate for a clinical trial. That's a lot of "maybe/possiblies" and for what? I simply don't know what to do.

Thank you for letting me get that out. It was a long one.

I want to gently hug you and take your suffering away OP. "Kmart chemo" made me LOL.

I bought my cat son Cumulus a brand new 1990 Acura NSX and look how he treats it! 🚘😾🤦‍♀️

Does Raleigh wreck cars?

Dear OP - what a maddening, incompetent, crazy making Human ALIVE time you are having! What an impossible situation! Remember a a few weeks ago you mention work stuff that might come to fruition ? For some reason the “Gods” don’t want to give you a rest. No one wants you to be in pain - but I’m glad you are here. Wow - can you imagine what an awful shock it would be to have crummy Hospice care? Geez OP - back to the Drawing Board!

Forgot to post that pic! 🤦‍♀️ Cumie-Boomie feel asleep on it.

Kitty! What a little snowball.

[QUOTE] Best case scenario is it will restore me to how I was earlier this summer, before I was on oxygen and couldn't walk more than 10 steps without gasping for air. This may make me a better candidate for a clinical trial. That's a lot of "maybe/possiblies" and for what? I simply don't know what to do.

This would be wonderful, and worth trying for. The extent to which you have had to be your own advocate throughout all this is shocking to me, but if your Signatera could get back down into the 20s thanks to Irinotecan your life would surely open up again and you could perhaps have an operation to ease the pain in your diaphragm, which they've now said isn't cancer related.

r577 He's a sentient shag rug LOL

Oh my gosh. He is! I would be giving belly raspberries 24/7! Thanks for sharing!!

"Good morning DL cat lovers! PLEASE please please pet me, play with me, feed me treats. I love all humans!" - Cumulus the Ragdoll

Been up and down most of the night in extreme pain. My back is so bad because I've been trying to transition back into my bed in an elevated manner and it's using muscles I've not used in a while. Plus, my lower back is a mess from so much sitting and sleeping in the recliner.

Had the stent taken out yesterday. I am still peeing blood, but the urgency and frequency has lessened. However tonight I was in terrible pain in the left kidney area and I couldn't tell if it was from that or my back.

I think I'm going to pass on going back on the older cancer drug. They called me today to make an appointment and I will (for no clear reason whatsoever) now have to take the pump home with me for two days and then go back and have it removed. I've done that before twice. It's absolute hell. But I have never done it with my body in such pain and so unhealthy. I tried to get the oncology nurse to call me today to explain why (because I have a feeling the doctor YET AGAIN mixed up my drug) but she never called.

I just want to start the hospice process and stop all the pain. Quickly. I do not want to be here past January.

I'm going to take a morphine pill in about an hour, and hopefully I can get some rest. I haven't had one in weeks, but tonight, I gotta do it.

OP, I'm terribly sorry to hear you're still in so much pain.

At the risk of seeming intrusive or chiding, have you solidified a plan for Raleigh? If not, I thought the linked LA Times article from 2022 might be of some small help. It describes a couple of SoCal organizations that assist with this process.

Sending love your way. ❤️

[QUOTE] I'm going to take a morphine pill in about an hour, and hopefully I can get some rest. I haven't had one in weeks, but tonight, I gotta do it.

Take one every 4-6 hours and your pain will improve.

Sending you rest and happy thoughts today - even a few neurotic ones in the mix. A LITTLE crazy is always a good thing. I think we would all like to track down that Doctor and Nurse! I hope the morphine eases your pain and brings you some happiness today.. ….. I’ll stop in later.

I have an adjustable bed arriving tomorrow, a gift from a very good, very generous friend who finally wore me down and I agreed to accept.

OP, please heed r584's advice and take the morphine every 4-6 hours. You NEED 24/7 pain relief now, there's no shame in taking whatever dosage takes the edge off. If wasn't a thousand miles north of you I'd pop in to keep you and Raleigh company, do housework and whatnot. I'd love to hear stories from your time as a documentarian.

A certain someone decided to chew up one of my costly Prismacolor pencils today.

"How else am I supposed to keep my molars clean, Mum?" - Cumulus

The fluffy dunderhead myself feigning innocence...

A snapshot of Raleigh's toe beans, please😻

OP - You will be so happy to get the adjustable bed!! When I brought my mom home from the nursing facility her bed at home was suddenly too big - she couldn’t get on it or move herself on it - awful. We were able to get a hospital bed through insurance - ahh - civilized. So much better. Relax and let people love you. After weeks of hitting dead ends and not being able to buy one on my own - an old and kind friend gifted me - well my mom - with a wheelchair ramp down the steep front stairs - and had someone come out and properly install it. I am so happy that you are getting the bed!!!

Wow, friends. I had the most intensely awful experience tonight (but I'm okay). I took a morphine tablet around 6:30 tonight. I had not eaten much today, and the turkey sandwich I made myself a couple hours prior (with a diet ginger ale) wound up being vomited up an hour later.

So I laid down after I took the morphine and had a fitful rest for about 90 min. All of a sudden, I realized I was having these horrible sharp, very intense pains under my right breast bone. It felt like gas, but turned up way worse. I took some Gas X and tried to burp, but the pain only got worse. I've never had that experience before with morphine and my eating habits for today were not such where I should have intense gas and such bad pain. I rode it out over the next 40 min and kept making myself burp and finally got some relief. About 8:30 the morphine finally kicked in (no idea why so long) and after sitting on the edge of the couch for the past two hours trying to conure up a glass of water, I was finally able to make myself rise and get one. Raleigh has spent the evening curled up next to me.

I promise new pics in the next couple days. I fear if I tried right now, it might take several hours of thinking about it before actually doing anything. ; )

I think I should be okay in terms of not needing another pill tonight, especially since the bed delivery is tomorrow between 8am-11am and I can't be smacked out when they arrive.

A good friend of mine in NYC really would like to take the cat, but I'm not quite sure how that would work. I know she would give him a ton of love. We'll see. What's making me so happy is seeing how many people do want him. He tends to make fans out of people who don't even like cats! I will make sure he has so much love coming his way after I'm gone.

Zzzzz 🙏🙏 I hope you can stay pain free and find a spot where you and Raleigh can get some sleep tonight!

Yikes, OP. At least the pain from taking the pill subsided, but you're right it shouldn't have taken that long to get into your system. See if your doc will prescribe syrup or suppositories (and a hot rentboy to insert them!) instead.

Hahahaha. Kitty, it's crazy. They have such a nationwide shortage of morphine that my normal Rx for it which I tried to refill in Oct won't be available until Jan!

Dear god! I'm so sorry OP.

Could it be extreme heartburn after eating and vomitting OP. I'm so sorry to hear about your travails. Glad that Raleigh is able to provide some soothing.

Bed arrived and is installed. Thank GOD my friend came over early. The delivery window was 8am-11am and they were here at 8:15. I had moved as much as I could out of the way before my friend got here but we were still scrambling to clear a path for big mattresses.

My friend who got me the bed was supposed to come over, too, but it was too early for him. He was insisting I put the bed in the living room (where there is no room). He told me to get rid of one of my couches. I said- Who's going to do that? It's a behemoth double electric recliner. (I call it my cancer couch, because I got it back in 2016 when I first got cancer and it was a lifesaver.) The store made it abundantly clear that they only take mattresses and box springs. But you can't tell him anything. He's going to have a fit when he sees *his* instructions were not followed. : )

r595 was me, oops.

Yaaayyyy the bed came early! Hope you and Raleigh are enjoying it. Does it meet The Fuzzy Overlord's qualifications? 😺

Hope you are finally able to get a good night's sleep lying flat, OP 🧡

How was the bed?🤞