Father - Son Dynamics
I have an amazingly kind, but strict father. It's his way only. He doesn't want to hear any conflicting opinions and if my family member even has the nerve to speak up, he silences us with a raising of his hand or displays his short temper.
At Christmas, I asked him where is the key to a shed that he put a lock on. He wouldn't tell me. I have major stress from the thought of cleaning his property that has thousands of items. I texted him again a few months ago when I was stressing at the thought, and he replied, "I'll tell you when I feel the time is right." He's a few years from 80. I have grown so frustrated with him silencing and controlling me, that I replied, "So rude and obnoxious. Bye." I knew it would make his blood boil, but I clicked send. I didn't hear from him for weeks.
A few weeks later, my mom called and was on the verge of tears and said something to the effect that it was hard to say, but I shouldn't come home for my birthday in a few months because of the tension it would create. I haven't heard from her in a month.
In the last month, my dad has copied me on texts about random events (animals in the yard, grandchildren graduation photos), but he hasn't addressed my text message until the other day when I received a long email where he basically said no one has ever spoken to him like that and no one ever will. He also mentioned boundaries that shouldn't be crossed with the assumption of a father is always right.
I wrote a long reply about how all of us are afraid of him and for the first time in my life was totally honest with him about how it felt to always be suppressed by him. I also mentioned his amazing qualities. He hasn't replied.
My question is, have any of you suggested to your parent that you move from a parent-child relationship to a more friendly relationship without the history / power dynamics of parents/children? Did it improve your relationship?
| by Anonymous | reply 11 | June 5, 2023 1:17 AM
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We need all the facts, OP.
Is/was your dad hot, OP?
| by Anonymous | reply 1 | June 5, 2023 12:44 AM
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I had a similar situation with my mother. After a particularly bad tantrum after I told her I couldn't do some stupid thing she asked me to do - I wrote her a letter and said I couldn't handle the tantrums any more. She took me out of her will, closed a joint bank account, etc.
I think what it is is a "narcissistic injury." Their ego is so fragile that they can't handle being told off. By anyone. You only mattered to them to the extent to fed their ego or gave them "narcissistic supply." If it's true NPD, they don't love anybody. It's all transactional.
I'm back in touch because I'm a patsy (and an only child and she's 94 and I feel too guilty to just wash my hands of her.) But no contact for four years was very healing. I'd recommend no contact if you can arrange it, and if your guilt-level can take it. It's not your fault! He's very damaged but likely cannot change. If you can arrange to meet other family members, that's great, but they often cut you off when you've stood up to the bully in a family with a toxic dynamic like this.
| by Anonymous | reply 2 | June 5, 2023 12:49 AM
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OP, your mother enabled your father’s behavior. Why didn’t she protect you against his hot temper and bullying behavior? She’s spineless by allowing him to banish you.
| by Anonymous | reply 3 | June 5, 2023 12:53 AM
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He's not that kind, he's just tolerable if everyone acts like a yes-man.
I wonder what crazy embarrassing shit he has in the shed.
| by Anonymous | reply 4 | June 5, 2023 12:58 AM
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My father spanks me. Still.
| by Anonymous | reply 5 | June 5, 2023 12:59 AM
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OP can't you just get a bolt cutter or locksmith?
| by Anonymous | reply 6 | June 5, 2023 1:02 AM
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I don't think adult children have the right to break into their parent's property without their permission.
| by Anonymous | reply 7 | June 5, 2023 1:06 AM
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Why are you obsessed with this shed?? Is your teddy bear in there?
He doesn't want you opening it and rummaging around right now for whatever reason, deal with it. He's 80. He doesn't have to give you a reason, yet he did. He doesn't feel like it.
| by Anonymous | reply 8 | June 5, 2023 1:14 AM
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Maybe he is a murderer and keeps his trophies in the shed. Or Playboys. Or Playgirls.
| by Anonymous | reply 9 | June 5, 2023 1:15 AM
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EST are through the roof. Men are only one-sided.
| by Anonymous | reply 10 | June 5, 2023 1:15 AM
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