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Do you like my story? Am I a good or bad writer?

Sherman stood in front of the mirror, adjusting his tie and trying to ignore the burning sensation of embarrassment in his cheeks. He couldn't believe he had ended up here, selling sex toys door-to-door. It seemed like a cruel twist of fate, a cosmic joke played on an unsuspecting teenager trying to find his place in the world.

The past three months had been a whirlwind for Sherman. Fresh out of high school and uncertain about his future, he had opted out of college, hoping to figure things out along the way. He had stumbled upon a sales job, thinking it would be a temporary solution until he could enroll in a trade college or find a more fulfilling career path.

The first two months were relatively bearable. Sherman was assigned to sell women's cosmetics and surprisingly found success. His charm and ability to connect with his customers allowed him to make decent commissions, earning him a sense of accomplishment. The compliments he received about his cheekbones had boosted his self-esteem, even though he hadn't thought much about his appearance before.

Then, the agency decided to shake things up. Sherman was abruptly informed that he would now be selling sex toys. He felt his heart sink as he imagined the awkward encounters and uncomfortable conversations he would have to navigate. The idea of going door-to-door, presenting intimate items to complete strangers, made him cringe.

As Sherman walked the streets with a bag full of adult novelties, he couldn't help but feel isolated and alone. The absence of co-workers or anyone to share his frustrations with intensified his discontent. He missed the camaraderie he had experienced during his brief stint in cosmetics sales, the conversations and connections that made the job bearable.

The first few interactions were as uncomfortable as Sherman had feared. The residents he approached had varying reactions, ranging from shock to amusement to outright rejection. Sherman struggled to find the right words to convince people that these products were worth considering, while also trying to suppress his own discomfort.

Then, one fateful afternoon, Sherman knocked on the door of an elderly lady named Mrs. Anderson. She answered with a warm smile, inviting him inside her cozy living room. Sherman was taken aback by her genuine hospitality. Mrs. Anderson was in her seventies, her kind eyes and gentle demeanor putting him at ease.

As Sherman showcased the assortment of adult toys, Mrs. Anderson listened intently, her curiosity piqued. Surprisingly, she didn't seem embarrassed or judgmental. Instead, she asked questions, wanting to understand the products and their purpose. Sherman found himself engaged in a conversation that went beyond sales; it felt like a genuine connection.

In the midst of their discussion, Mrs. Anderson shared stories of her youth, reminiscing about a time when she felt vibrant and alive. She expressed admiration for Sherman's youthfulness and openness, confessing that she missed the adventures and risks of her own younger days.

Feeling a sense of compassion, Sherman decided to open up about his own struggles and insecurities. He confessed his dissatisfaction with the job, his uncertainty about his future, and the embarrassment he felt each day. Mrs. Anderson listened attentively, offering words of wisdom and understanding.

"Young man," she said, her voice filled with warmth, "Life has a way of taking us on unexpected journeys. Sometimes, it's these detours that lead us to where we truly belong. Don't be disheartened by this temporary role; embrace it as a learning experience. You never know what doors it may open for you."

Sherman pondered Mrs. Anderson's words as he left her home, his bag of sex toys feeling lighter somehow. Although he still felt fed up and embarrassed, he couldn't deny the spark of hope that had been ignited within him.

by Anonymousreply 23June 8, 2023 9:17 PM

You lost me at “Sherman.”

by Anonymousreply 1June 4, 2023 8:36 PM

teenager? selling sex toys? door to door? you need another subject. other than that I liked the story

by Anonymousreply 2June 4, 2023 8:44 PM

I think you need to include a discussion of Mrs. Anderson’s sex toy preferences and describe what she purchases.

by Anonymousreply 3June 4, 2023 8:48 PM

MFA troll here. OP, the Iowa Writers Workshop excitedly awaits your application for the 2023 incoming class. Your thesis can be titled, The Uncut Dildo and Other Stories of Mechanized Lust.

Remember: keep your details concrete, not abstract, and your voice active. Always balance action with exposition.

by Anonymousreply 4June 4, 2023 8:56 PM

r2 I forgot to mention she's 18. Is door-to-door sales not a thing anymore?

by Anonymousreply 5June 4, 2023 9:00 PM

r4 Does my story have any glaring features?

by Anonymousreply 6June 4, 2023 10:12 PM

Yes, OP. Words.

by Anonymousreply 7June 4, 2023 10:17 PM

Need the Cliffs Notes version. Tl;dr

by Anonymousreply 8June 4, 2023 10:17 PM

OP, I like your writing style. While I didn't care for the subject your writing kept me interested. Good job

by Anonymousreply 9June 4, 2023 10:24 PM

OP, MFA troll/failed fiction writer here (R4) again, so don't listen to anything I yammer on about.

That said, I have a couple of stylistic suggestions. Your use of gerunds (-ing words, such as "straightening his tie") weakens your prose. When writing scenes (as opposed to exposition), it helps to keep your verbs in the straight past tense ("he straightened his tie," or "he gave his tie a quick yank"). That will add urgency to your scene. The late, great John Gardner discusses this idea in his classic book, The Art of Fiction.

Also, avoid "as" phrases ("As John walked down the street, he ruminated on..."), which also weaken sentences. Instead, just say, "John walked down 20th Street until he got to the front door of The Sex Toy Emporium.")

Finally, avoid general, abstract descriptions such as "he felt taken aback." Instead, describe concrete physical details associated with the feeling--e.g., "his skin pricked with a sudden chill."

I highly recommend John Gardner's and Janet Burroway's books on writing. They are the masters.

Keep writing, OP! I wish I hadn't quit. But I wasn't good enough, and I wasn't going to get there.

by Anonymousreply 10June 4, 2023 11:58 PM

Try a writing class, OP.

by Anonymousreply 11June 6, 2023 7:52 PM

Sherman has a puny cocklet, doesn’t he?

by Anonymousreply 12June 6, 2023 8:48 PM

Reads like AI wrote it.

by Anonymousreply 13June 6, 2023 9:07 PM

r13 Somebody at work said the same. What does this even mean? I know what AI is but I wrote this myself and this has always been my writing style.

by Anonymousreply 14June 6, 2023 9:22 PM

Boring

by Anonymousreply 15June 6, 2023 9:33 PM

I immediately hated Sherman.

by Anonymousreply 16June 6, 2023 9:42 PM

You lost me a "D".

by Anonymousreply 17June 6, 2023 11:32 PM

Do you like my asshole?

by Anonymousreply 18June 6, 2023 11:56 PM

I think you’re a good writer.

by Anonymousreply 19June 7, 2023 6:27 AM

It needs more adverbs.

by Anonymousreply 20June 7, 2023 6:35 AM

[quote]You lost me a "D".

by Anonymousreply 21June 7, 2023 3:07 PM

[quote]The compliments he received about his cheekbones had boosted his self-esteem

WTF?

by Anonymousreply 22June 8, 2023 8:05 PM

r22 what's weird about that?

by Anonymousreply 23June 8, 2023 9:17 PM
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