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How one nobody tells you that your 40s is when friendships really start to wither?

I had a nice tight group of friends from college (and several of us go back to high school) and we have all stayed close through all of the life events—marriages (all), children (most), divorces (two of us) and remarriages (me)—so I just assumed that these were my people for life. We have never gone more than two years without convening somewhere for vacations large and small. I assumed it would only get better as everyone’s kids got older. Now I can see that things are starting to fray. Views are beginning to change, sympathies are becoming realigned, old petty grudges are re-emerging, and people are removing themselves from the group, along with their spouses and kids whom we have all grown to love..

My partner insists this is normal, and why did I think we were exceptional when we could not be more ordinary. I’m trying to kind of hold it all together because I love these people and cannot imagine my life without them in it. But I can easily see where the fault lines are as people break away. In a couple of years our group will be reduced to half of what it was.

If this was a movie, it would take a death to bring us all back together again.

by Anonymousreply 28June 4, 2023 8:13 AM

Are you a lesbian OP?

by Anonymousreply 1June 3, 2023 3:19 AM

Some friendships made in my thirties have faded. But have many friends still for over forty years.

by Anonymousreply 2June 3, 2023 3:25 AM

There's no time to sit and dither while your friendships wither with her.

And no one keeps a cow for a friend! Sometimes I fear you're touched!

by Anonymousreply 3June 3, 2023 3:28 AM

If you’re married you call your spouse your partner?

by Anonymousreply 4June 3, 2023 3:33 AM

Familiarity breeds contempt. Often the longer most people get to know someone, the more 'over' or tired they get of them. So while I don't think it always happens, I do think that it's normal.

by Anonymousreply 5June 3, 2023 3:36 AM

OP didn’t tell us their class reunion can fit in an Uber.

by Anonymousreply 6June 3, 2023 3:40 AM

The pandemic changed a lot of relationships.

by Anonymousreply 7June 3, 2023 3:43 AM

Solidified*

by Anonymousreply 8June 3, 2023 3:55 AM

My parents are in their 80s - they still have friends from 40 - 60 years ago, although more than a few have died off. Certainly some fell away over the decades for various reasons, but my mom still has lunch with someone she’s known since second grade - and second grade was in Brooklyn, not some small town.

I ditched everyone I knew growing up, but have about 10 college friends I’m in regular contact with 40 years later - we’re all over the country but get together every 3 or 4 years.

by Anonymousreply 9June 3, 2023 4:15 AM

You get together every couple of years. You are old friends but these are not your day-to-day people.

by Anonymousreply 10June 3, 2023 4:25 AM

I’m lucky and have a cohort of tight friends, text and talk each week. But my close friend has ghosted a handful of other friends in the past decade, and I notice that people who ghost others tend to be very philosophical about it.

When someone mentions being ghosted to a “ghoster”, the latter will often say “well, you know people get busy..”, “maybe they changed devices and lost their contact list”, “they probably don’t realize you expected them to reply”. You can hear a form of self-justification in their perspective.

I also think people just respond more strongly to others who make them feel good, or hip, or cool. Like in middle school, aping for attention from a cool kid. So maybe being ghosted revives feelings of being excluded or overlooked at an earlier time in life. Maybe ghosting elicits hurtful formative memories.

The potential to be hurt in this way might also inhibit people from forming new friendships, or being open to that idea. That’s kind of sad. I think for all the “connectivity” in the world, people are lonelier than ever.

by Anonymousreply 11June 3, 2023 7:18 AM

Frau problems I can’t relate to.

by Anonymousreply 12June 3, 2023 12:09 PM

OP if you read DL, we have told you this. Repeatedly. There are endless threads on here about the difficulties of maintaining friendships as you age.

It is practically Vivian Vance in terms of us telling you about it.

And yes - it’s tough but normal. Hang in there.

by Anonymousreply 13June 3, 2023 12:21 PM

It can happen, yet I’ve seen people finding many new friends at that age range. The best way to socialize is through shared interests. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the friendliness.

by Anonymousreply 14June 3, 2023 1:06 PM

You're incredibly lucky to have survived the "children" phase, OP. That's when all my friends cut me out. One or two drifted back fifteen years later when the kids didn't want their undivided attention any more.

by Anonymousreply 15June 3, 2023 2:09 PM

R10 - we have a group text string that is active multiple times a week - it’s basically a continuation of the college cafeteria table banter - mostly in-jokes and nonsense, but when something serious happens we call or go help.

For not all living in the same place we’ve stayed pretty close. We all also have local “day to day” friends, but I’m probably in more frequent contact with the college group than folks I hang out with in person.

by Anonymousreply 16June 3, 2023 6:59 PM

My former pal was a really smart, funny but spacey guy. He now works as a researcher, mostly remote. We were buddies in Europe when we worked together there. He was super nice, interesting, athletic but intense and sort of hyper focused on certain ideas and not too ordered in his personal life (losing documents, bad with money, sometimes socially inept).

He moved away and drifted into some academic posts, but never connected with his colleagues. At that same time, he began writing posts on Facebook and traveling for the purpose of sharing photos and stories from the road. During the pandemic, his online world became his only world, yet he did manage some travel.

One day I saw his Skype handle was green, meaning he was online, so I called on Skype, and he answered with his camera on. He was in a dimly lit room, unshaven, with his hair grown out wild. He looked like a recluse, as though he hadn’t showered , and was very different than I remembered him. He was also huge.

After that brief video chat, he sent me links to some of his odd and florid science writing. It was pretty technical, but with strangely explicit innuendos and corny puns scattered in the narrative. It was odd. He asked me to “ like”and repost his essays on my own social media feeds, but I couldn’t do that. It was too odd and esoteric. I haven’t heard from him since, yet our mutual friends say he is having problems and very isolated.

I’m sad and sorry about it all because I remember him as so gifted intellectually, and impressive in his focus and determination, quick to learn six languages, easily mastering code and devouring technical literature, and physically very strong, 6’5” tall and a really competitive athlete. I think, this past decade he lost his way and got swallowed into an online world where he felt more control.

by Anonymousreply 17June 3, 2023 10:30 PM

I get very bored with people. I don't lie up front, or mislead anyone into thinking I'm into some friendship for the long haul. I just like acquaintances. Why would I need more than that?

by Anonymousreply 18June 3, 2023 10:33 PM

R16/OP, that’s great but they are still your “old friends “. Treasure them for what they are, but accept that they’re no longer your closest friends.

by Anonymousreply 19June 4, 2023 1:51 AM

I like people with strong charismatic energy. I have none so people lose interest in me quickly. I'm old now so I have about 4 friends. And if they begin to die off before I do I'll have none. So I hope I'm the first to go.

by Anonymousreply 20June 4, 2023 2:28 AM

The 40's are the purgatory decade... The career ought to be rising towards a peak. Family obligations are take over... it gets better at 50!

by Anonymousreply 21June 4, 2023 2:36 AM

I'm not on social media so it's been very easy to lose touch with old friends and acquaintances.

by Anonymousreply 22June 4, 2023 2:41 AM

OP, I don’t get it. Are these friends you used to fuck? Do you have their nudes? I came to this thread expecting to be brought to orgasm, but it couldn’t be more sexless so far.

When does it get HORNY?!

by Anonymousreply 23June 4, 2023 2:42 AM

Why wouldn’t it? You change and grow as you go through life. Do you really think you will be the same vapid 17 year old you were in high school?

by Anonymousreply 24June 4, 2023 2:49 AM

OP seems to value a large-ish group dynamic. Not everybody does. I'm more of a one-on-one person. I recently opted out of a cousins' text group. People were posting photos of their kids, their trips, and I just got tired of it. When I asked to be removed from the group, I said that I was still available if anyone wanted to contact me. I haven't heard much from anyone.

by Anonymousreply 25June 4, 2023 2:55 AM

Yep. And then you die alone and someone from DL ends up with your stuff.

by Anonymousreply 26June 4, 2023 3:03 AM

OP, we didn’t want to tell you because this is life is a mystical journey, and if you knew what was coming, you wouldn’t be any happier. What we should be asking ourselves is “what does it mean for me to lose friends as I age? Each person will have a slightly different answer to that question. Also, even if we had really tried to tell you, you wouldn’t believe us.

The lesson of this could be that a) we need people more than we realized or b) we need people less than we realized, and c) how I look at this is entirely a state of mind, it’s all about my perception of this. If I believe this is negative, I will see other things proving it’s a negative. If I believe this is positive, or at the very least, neutral, now I have an opportunity to recognize this is a chance to grow up a little more.

Yes, OP, you lose friends. You surely have multiple options on how to cope with this because there are multiple ways to perceive this change in your life. How else could you hold this change OP? What does it mean to you, to lose these friends?

by Anonymousreply 27June 4, 2023 7:04 AM

Just because somebody doesn't want to be part of a friends group anymore doesn't mean that you have to lose touch with them (assuming they aren't trying to disconnect from you). But if you try to keep everything the way it used to be, with everybody friends forever and doing everything together, your efforts will only frustrate you and probably annoy others.

by Anonymousreply 28June 4, 2023 8:13 AM
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