Favorite STRANGERS WITH CANDY lines

“I’m dealing with this the same way I dealt with my own alcoholism and drug addiction… with lies and delusion.”

“They cut out for the money shot, but you can still see plenty of pink.”

"I stoled a TV."

[quote]First off, the retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does. And they don't run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don't lock eyes with 'em, don't do it. Puts 'em on edge. They might go into berzerker mode; come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming "No, no, no" and all they hear is "Who wants cake?" Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake.

"I do like black people! It just took a white one to prove it to me."

"It's like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic. Oh wait, that was [italic]me[/italic]. ... The point is, you're a racist."

Hobo camp??

“Orlando, you can’t be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn’t sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.”

Packing a Musket' a poem by Jerri Blank

When you work from your home, and Johns call on the phone, you're a call girl.

When you walk 'til you limp, and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore.

When they're beggin' you please to get down on your knees, near their groinage, Excusa me, but you see, don't you touch, where they pee, without coinage.

When I straddle and squat, to show you my...

Give me your money.

“Heyyyy, Copperhead!”

The creepy term of endearment was a marker for Blank as a character. I loved how her health lesson to co-parent “Dizzy” turned really dark and sexual very fast. Poor Tammy Littlenut gets pulled under right away with all of Jeri’s dirty and lurid motivation. Sedaris is a weird gal, but she channels an aggressive bulldyke/misogynistic husband pretty masterfully in this episode.

There is one scene, in the school cafeteria, where Sedaris’ face loses all warmth when Tammy asks her to take Dizzy during gym class. Blank cuts her right off. It’s so good. She even growls when Tammy tries to soften things “I’m going to get some milk for the baby…” Blank grumbles “what? And I don’t get thirsty?”

DADDAAAA-- (takes a huge bite from a hot dog) -- AAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Jerri Blank : Faggot. Chuck Noblet : What did you say? Jerri Blank : What did you hear? Chuck Noblet : I'd rather not repeat it. Jerri Blank : Well, then, I guess we'll never know.

"There's this doctor, and he wants me to hurt you."

I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis

We came as soon as we felt like it!

I'm putting all my emotional eggs into one fragile basket!

Chuck Noblet: Can anyone tell me the tragic irony of the Trojan War? Tina?

Tina: Um, that horses are friendly creatures yet a hollow, wooden one was used to destroy Troy?

Chuck Noblet: Wrong and no. Anyone else? Chip?

Chip Beavers: That the mighty warrior Achilles was killed by a small cut to his ankle.

Chuck Noblet: Chip is wronger. OK, here it is. The tragic irony of the Trojan War is that though it was fought over Helen, who was young and beautiful, by the time they rescued her ten years later, she was old and ugly.

Tina: But wasn't recovering the king's wife reward enough for the Greeks?

Chuck Noblet: Tina, an ugly woman is never a reward.

"Dear Diary, I'm sorry for all the hateful , racist things I said about you. Everything's changed. I'm in love... something you would never understand, you dirty, dirty, dirty Jew diary."

also

"Greeks are just Jews without money."

Eat your beef, Stu.

Damn! that’s a long lace.

I want you to write a poem about Hiroshima, but nothing too faggy...

And the alanon meetings. "Why weren't you at the meeting last night? You missed a lot of really good blaming."

"Ah, Florida! Beautiful weather -- harsh penal system."

I brought hot fruit.

Tamela, babies don't cost money. They make money. Especially the white ones.

“My whole teaching career is a farce, wrapped in a masquerade, smothered in a façade frosting.”

"Junkie whore"

"But I've already been that!"

Jerri: I'm confused. Dreams....What are mine?

Noblet: I don't know, Jerri. It's your future. What do you want to do in the future?

Jerri: Go to my locker.

Noblet: I mean way down the line, Jerri. I want you to think far into the future. What are you going to do?

Jerri: Open it.

SWC is on prime now! Or some streaming thing I can get on my firestick. I'm in heaven.

“You don’t wanna beat me or screw me!? What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book."

Sara Blank: "But I'm not an alcoholic! I can stop whenever I want! What, you don't believe me? Well, if you're such a good listener, why don’t you watch this? Say goodbye to my mixers!"

I don't know if it's just me, but what I love about STRANGERS WITH CANDY is that I feel transported to that wacky world while watching it, as if I were a nameless student who tagged along with Jerri Blank et al. I don't know. Something about the way it's produced/shot.

“You know, I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed… really hard.”

"I like the pole and the hole, and right now I’m as moist as a snack cake down there."

Cancer? That's hilarious!

I've had lots of babies, just none that I've carried to full-term.

“If wishes and buts were clusters and nuts we’d all have a bowl of granola.”

It’s camper time!

R29, thank you. I love that one but couldn't remember it exactly.

Also, “You know, I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed… really hard.”

CHUCK NOBLET (history teacher): Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs. It decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor. And, of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.

R9 it always cracked me up that the assignment was to write about Lewis & Clark and she came up with that "Packing a Musket" poem. 😂

My husband and I went to a book signing once of hers in NYC. It was the best. She signed ours, "You should get a divorce faggots."

R41, you beat me to it- lol. What was high parody back now passes for 'history' by certain elements of our populace- I'm looking at you MAGA loonies.

Oh, Ramon…

You’ve got fifteen minutes to shove some pie down that hole of yours, then it’s camper time!

Why does YOUR finger smell like HIS ass?

"You're a rack of bones covered by a thin layer of fag."

“Pretty nice humidor you got there.” [As Jerri’s new friend Trish pulls a joint from her panties.]

Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your having sex.

“Can’t you see how embarrassing this is supposed to be for me?”

One night – I'll make this quick – one night, I was thrown by a horse and I had to have a laminectomy...

My favorite is not just a line but a scene where she is dating a blind guy and she takes a tape dispenser to trick him into thinking it is her clit as he stroked it and she moans oh yeah do me.

That’s a great scene r53

“But my vagina IS all puffy…”

I do appreciate your lovely sentiments, Mr. Blackman, but I should tell you that Guy’s last wish was that "no darkies" attend his wake.

[Principal Blackman leads the team in prayer before the big game.]

Blackman:

Dear Lord, thank you for giving this game your undivided attention. We'll try to be brief so you can return your energies to the movement of the stars and the condemnation of the Jews. Please hand us an easy victory.

Jerri, somewhat groggily: "I haven't had a night like that since . . . last night."

“You know, I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed… really hard.”

Jerri, at ceramics class: "It's . . . a bong"

“Pee on me.”

"A virgin whore!"

“What about Jimmy Tickle? He’d never try to snatch your candy”

Bonus points for spraying air freshener after their bathroom quickie. Nice touch.

(Proudly) “I was nominated today…

(sympathetically) “Oh, Jeri! Kids can be SO cruel…I’ll have your father call Principal Blackman right away.”

(Imperiously) “This happens to be for real, STEP MOTHER!”

"You can be rich in family or friends or love, but the only thing that matters is being rich in money."

“The works fell out years ago”.

I'll have a diablo dog. Drag her through the salt...and don't be stingy with the bacon bits...today.

You'll come to my crib after school and I'll make your pinky all stinky.

Sounds like Chief Big Bong is on the warpath.

"I've got Indian underwear! They're creepin' up the trail!"

"What about Jimmy Tickles? He'd never snatch your candy."

Rebecca: Hi Jerri, my name's Rebecca, what's yours?

Jerri: Jerri. What's yours Rebecca?

Rebecca: Rebecca.

What are you talking about, troll? We squat together, we spot each other on the workout mat, and we play grab-ass in the showers. How is that gay?

Penicillin is nature's condom!

Here come the girls Jerri. You better 86 the 69 talk!

PROTECT ME SATAN!!

Let's go watch some gay porn and get our hate back!

I did things I wouldn't force on a mule and that includes things I forced on a mule!

"“Kimberly, how’s your brain? Sometimes I can be so... [italic]retarded.[/italic] Ever feel that way?”

It was very nice making your acquaintance Drake. Perhaps we can chat again when there are fewer sack wranglers around.

I liked the vicious way she went after Derrick, “step-f@g”. That language could probably fall under character expression. It was rough but also pretty true to the way we spoke to each other in the 1970’s. We used the f-word like candy. I sometimes miss it. The singer Joe Jackson has a line in his song Real Men, something like “Don’t call me a faggot, not unless you are friend”. I thought that was poignant when I heard it at that time. I was still trying on identities then, in high school.

I’m also a bit hypocritical being amused by the rough language Jeri uses to address her brother, but then being bothered by a scene where Jeri’s mother treats Principal Blackman in a pretty racist, dismissive way at her husband’s funeral. I just felt so bad for the actors Deborah Rush and Greg Hollimon, both so great and so appealing, handed a pretty awful scene to portray. Maybe it was funny to others, but it landed flat to me.

I know these aren’t lines, but I really liked some of the sight gags they pulled off pretty cleverly, like the way they edited the scene to make it look like she pulled Baby Dizzy out of a knapsack. And also when she takes a soda can away from the baby (“you can’t play with that! It’s too big!”). She turns to cut the can into a twisted form of sharp aluminum edges, leaving the baby on a tall dresser with her back turned as he tumbles into a (handy) basket of laundry. I loved the way they flirted with all these dangerous, idiotic behaviors but obviously took care of the baby used in the scene.

Derrick’s playful/curious/bitchy “hey, how are you gonna feed it with those yams of yours?” was a pretty good line.

R81 Derek dipping and eating those boxed, uncooked long dried lasagna noodles directly into a jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce. LOL

"You don't wanna beat me or screw me? What kind of a marriage is this? Bring a book."

"I got the STDs!"

Paging Dr. Pappasmearus and Dr. Sorders. STAT!

Sara Blank, listing things she doesn't want Jerri to do, just as Jerri's about to do them:

"𝐷𝑜𝑛'𝑡 rub yours feces on the lampshade."

^^ your

Man, lots of typing mistakes today.

Hey, Plug

You have syphilis. Not only that, it appears your syphilis is infested with crabs that are carrying gonorrhea.

Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

How much is it (the baby) worth?

20 Gs on the black market. Twice that if it's eyes stay blue!

Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times.

Jerri: "What are you gonna be when you grow up, Orlando?"

Orlando: I'm going to be an onchologist!"

Jerri: "HONK! HONK! Oh Orlando, you sound like a clown horn!"

Orlando: "Noooo, Jerri. An onchologist is a doctor who treats breast cancer."

Jerri: 'Breast cancer? (her face goes from happy to frowning) That saddens me!"

Mr. Chuck Noblet: What's your favorite color?

Jerri Blank: Lemon! [Red bulb lights up with a buzz]

Jerri Blank: Rust. [Green bulb lights up with a ringing noise]

Mr. Chuck Noblet: What's your favorite food?

Jerri Blank: Crepes Suzette! [Red Light]

Jerri Blank: Meatballs. [Green light]

Mr. Chuck Noblet: If you could be any animal, which would it be?

Jerri Blank: [Jerry stealthily slips her hand over the red bulb] Kitten? [Red Light]

Jerri Blank: Snake.

Mr. Chuck Noblet: Well, at least we know you can't lie.

Doctor, Lawyer, Junkie Whore

"You guys are my BEST FRIENDS!" --from "The Trip Back' the episode in which Jeerri relapses.

Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to Retardation: A Celebration. Now, hopefully with this book, I'm gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does. And they don't run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don't lock eyes with 'em, don't do it. Puts 'em on edge. They might go into berzerker mode; come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming "No, no, no" and all they hear is "Who wants cake?" Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake.

The time I laughed the hardest was when Jerri was watching a black and white TV show and I think a monkey attacked a duck and she laughed hysterically pointing at the TV...so did I.

take a hike, dick lick

You know you're gay, right ?

"I like the pole and the hole"

I'll be in my room (Jerri says defiantly, while pulling an enormous cucumber out of the refrigerator)

How many of you want to wind up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you HOPE is your own filth?

Chuck Noblet : So, is there no Mrs. Jellineck?

Geoffrey Jellineck : No...

Chuck Noblet : Divorce?

Geoffrey Jellineck : She was, uh, she was murdered.

Chuck Noblet : Sometimes that can be just as painful.

Not a line, but Beck made an Easter egg appearance as Employee of the Month.

Which episode does Jellineck say to Chuck “somebody is being a crabby bunny” and he explodes SHUT UP back at him like a toddler?

It’s one of my favorite bits and I can’t remember when it happens.

I think it was the blind guy episode. "Let me take your pinky and make it aaaaaall stinky.". 😂

I like the episode where Jerri is anorexic for like one day 😂 and the one where she leads an all-white production of A RAISIN IN THE SUN (the black students are props and trees). 🤣

It's already been said, but the line I quote the most in real life is "... I'm as moist as a snack cake down there!"

Interestingly, a friend from the UK had no idea what a "snack cake" was. Apparently that's an Americanism.

It makes me as damp as a cellar down there. All mildewy. Enter if you dare!

The bacon strips sizzlin'!

Stupid blood fart!

I’m not racist, I just don’t like black people.

I do like black people! It just took a white one to prove it to me.

Talk yo monkey ass off!

R107 the latter doesn't seem so far-fetched now with CAROLINE OR CHANGE, which takes place in segregated Louisiana, now featuring black performers as household appliances (e.g., radio, washing machine, dryer).

My vagina is on fire! I’m trying not to scratch it, Orlando, I’m afraid it’ll get infected.

R115 I think that was a passage in a note read aloud to the class by Mr. Noblet. Teachers “discovering” Jeri’s lurid and disturbing issues was a strand in the series.

In another episode Jeri reminds Mr. Noblet that she has a note authorizing her early dismissal “I’m having my uterus scraped”. Noblet discloses “I read the note, Jeri. We ALL read the note”.

My vagina is all puffy

Jeri, I gotta go. I gotta go take a dump with my buddies!

And of course the whole scene where Jeri yanks Jimmy Tickles into a school bathroom and rapes him into being gay.