Ever felt a friend secretly doesn't like you?

I wish to god the kids would stop shouting and fighting across the street. I can hear the bastards inside my house with the ac on!

You start with, "Are we OK?"

He'll say, Yes why? And then you tell him what you just told us. If he doesn't have a good response or denies it, the fuck with him. You don't need that shit in your life.

R1 Blast showtunes that will scare them away.

[quote]I'm the only person he keeps close outside of his boyfriend and the sister who he's on on-and-off good terms with.

Says it all. What can't you see?

[quote]Ever have a friend like that, DL? What do you do about it?

Drop them.

Or you can just accept he is the way he is and keep him as a friend.

I have quite a good friend who has zero interest in being "likeable". I'm not sure he really understands what it is, thus can be exhausting to be around. He is decent and honest which is great but the wear and tear on the parts can be brutal.

ALL my friends were JEALOUS of my looks. But you see in the gay universe secret dislikes (backstabbers) are quite common. You cannot trust anyone. All they want is what's yours, including your boyfriend or husband. They'll get online and write a bunch of swill about you, then kiss your ass when you visit with them. It's the gay culture.

OP you either deal with it directly, or quit being his friend. Grow a pair, or walk away. This friendship is currently unhealthy. Unless you are very desperate for any kind of friendship, I don't know why you'd let this linger.

Why don't you just tell him what you've heard and find his comments to be passive-aggressive, and what gives? Yeah, DOES he have a problem with you?

OP he is secretly in love with you and doesn’t know how to handle it. Unrequited love if friends manifests in two ways: passive-aggressive hate or avoidance.

Maybe OP's in love with HIM, R9.

Trust your instincts, OP. You'd be surprised how many people hang around you for the simple purpose of wanting to see you fail.

All my friends are jealous of my tits.

Yes, and it think the basis is jealousy.

Jealousy is a horrible thing. I became successful, good looking and have a great long term bf. I haven't 'moved on' to people who are in my new socio economic group; but I'm fighting a losing battle, cos my friends are just always jealous....they don't meN to be or want to be, they just are...and I've always been aware not to ever boast or show off...but I could tell them of something gr8 that's happening fir me, and the conversation wud be changed very quickly. Unfortunately its happened a lot throughout my life, people get jealous. I've always made excuses; believed I got lucky and if it was the other way round I'd be jealous of them. But I've had to let a few friends slip away; it just got too depressing...in fact I wasn't even allpowed to be depressed, cos, "what have u to be depressed about?", was their thinking.

[quote]I haven't 'moved on' to people who are in my new socio economic group;

Why?

R15 That's an interesting question. Hmmmm. I guess I tended to be loyal and I keep a very split idea of who are 'friends' and who are acquaintances... and I preferred my friends company to others I would meet...and the time spent with 'friends' meant I didn't have, or try to have, energy for making new friends.

OP, with friends like that....

He's not a friend, OP, but handle dropping him very cautiously.

I did have a friend like that. The dynamic changed over the course of the relationship. We worked together, hung out together. He was the more dynamic, outspoken life of the party type who knew everyone and could get in everywhere. I was the more reserved less experienced type. In the beginning I was secretly jealous of his ability to just TALK to anybody, even people he was attracted to. While I on the other hand would either stare at them or avoid them all together.

Well as time went on things shifted. I became more confident in myself and the way a related to people was different than his but people just ended up liking me more. I was more sincere and had more lasting friendships while his tended to implode. I also realized he was a raging alcoholic and couldn’t go a day without drinking - like a lot. And he became jealous of my relationship because he never had a serious one last longer than year.

We pretended to be friends. I still like him. But I just distanced myself. I realized he was a FUN friend and not a GOOD friend. So our relationship just became that - a good time out when I felt like one, and that was it.

Friends serve different purposes. You just have to know how close to let some get and how to distance yourself from others. And some you just have to cut off. As Oprah once taught her audience - you can miss some every day but still be happy they’re not in your life.

I've been demoted by a friend to someone they only contact when it's my birthday or when someone else is unavailable, or if they want something - from someone they saw every week. I understand why it makes sense (I wasn't available anywhere near as much as usual for about 18 months), but had hoped that when I was more available, that we could see each other more regularly than we do now.

Then I resigned myself to the fact that the friendship was over, only to be contacted on my birthday and then when their "regular" friends weren't available (which they unwittingly - and unfortunately - told me). Just the fact that they let that slip made me look at them differently.

No hard feelings, just wish things had worked out different. But I also know they want a favor from me that would take up at least five hours of my time and I'm not sure I want to do it for them or be put in the position of being asked or subjected to hints.

Sometimes people move on first - or they should move on, unlike the person in your life, OP. If I were you, I'd avoid him like the plague and take time responding to any attempts he makes to contact you.

People are soooo complicated.

1. If a friend makes you feel more bad than good it can he time ease off that friendship.

2. However, can you trust whoever is ratting that friend out? Do they have your best interest in mind? Telling you allegedly shitty things someone says about you can also be hurtful. People can always vent or snark a little. This confidant could be stirring the pot.

3. Your friend could be unhappy or unfulfilled and doesn’t mean to be shitty or competitive. If they have no friends is this by choice or do they have a negative repellent personality?.

Yes, this has happened to me a few times and yes, they were jealous for some reason. Not sure why, my life is pretty simple but it’s true I am happy with it, mostly. I am always kind of surprised by it though.

The way I've heard you guys rattle on about friendships over the years I've been here makes me laugh. I can't understand why grown men spend so much time pondering about friendships! Does he still like me, or is he talking behind my back? Should I drop him? Call him? Hang out with him and/or his bf? Cut him off completely, or just back away slowly? He doesn't call me as much as he used to! JFC, you sound like a bunch of hormonal teenage girls.

Things change. People change. Life goes on. Whatever. Get over yourself and stop navel-gazing (and dare I say, mug-cradling?). There are so many more important things to worry about if you want to worry. If not, just fuggedaboutit! Life is too short.

I met an entire CLIQUE of guys like that I was new to a city and thought I’d found my first new friend and then I’d meet his friends and have more new friends.

Nope. They all hate one another so much that they’ll say some of the most awful stuff about their friends behind their backs. After a year I realized every single one of them hated everyone else (I don’t mean just said an occasional catty thing. They would actually say “I can’t fucking stand that guy”)

And guess what? They all still get together and do things and I think it’s because they’re all afraid if they don’t show up, THEY’LL be the one being talked about.

I got out. I have one friend from that group now because he was the only one never to have said anything bad about any of the others except to mention that a couple in particular were really mean behind one another’s backs and he didn’t like them for that reason, but he never said anything worse than that (and the the two in particular were the worst offenders). I want to tell him “ALL your friends are horrible people”. He must genuinely like some of them to put up with them and he’s the only one I’m aware of that will hang out with folks outside of their little coven. He’s a good guy, but his friends are awful and I got out as fast as I could.

I had an ex like that. He was on the rebound from a bad break-up, grabbed me off the Personal ads and proceeded to make both of us miserable. I never measured-up to his ex.

More examples, please

This thread is fun! Everyone has frenemies

No- if I did they would not be a friend.

OP, go with your gut. If you think a friend doesn’t like you or talks about you negatively behind your back, chances are you’re correct. Toss them to the curb.

Agree with R30. Those people are not your friends. Punch and delete.

Might he have a crush on you?

I have in the past and I just cut them out. They were a miserable bitch in general.

Crush or not, this isn't the third grade. If this is how an adult acts around a crush, that is a major red flag.

I have a "toxic friendship" going all the way back to college--we were good friends then but we entered the same field of work, and he's very competitive. He's much more successful than I am, which I don't mind in the least, but because he's had to work so hard for his success, he's envious that I've just coasted and am reasonably happy.

I think everyone talks about everyone to SOME degree, unless you have no partner and no mutual friends (no one else to talk to about the person in question, in other words). I’m not referring to scorched-earth shit-talking’, but regular ‘what did you think of this or that decision so and so made?’

I almost lost my longest friendship when I tried to be a ‘true friends never gossip’ purist— some talk is human nature. Not the “toxic personality” but not all friends have to agree on everything, and when they don’t, some murmuring is to be expected.

I have a FB who insists on directing everything. It has forced me to get away from him. He has no vehicle, but insist on calling out every turn that I MUST take when taking him by his ATM or dropping him off at the lotto place.

"yeah, I know. Left is the only way I can go up here."

Sure R27. The gardening comment was most recent, but the incident that really pissed me off was from last fall. In passing conversation I told this friend that a married couple in our friend circle fights a lot (they do). He went and told other people that I "basically thought they were headed for divorce," which I did NOT say. My words were they were working through problems.

It got back to the couple and they asked me about it. I was surprised because to me it was a thoughtless conversation from a while ago, but I explained myself and brought this friend into the conversation. He was apologetic and said he'd heard wrong. I think he's just prone to interpreting me through the worst lens possible.

People are more underhanded about jealousy than they used to be. They'll cheer you on when they have to, then the true intent will come through in subtle mindgames. "Congrats on the promotion--are you sure you can handle the stress? I wouldn't want it for sure." "Your boyfriend is hot! Does all the attention he gets ever make you feel insecure?" Always looking for the negative angle.

I guess I never realized how strong and prevalent an emotion jealousy is. I figured I was just annoying because I’m generally happy. But when people are miserable and see someone happy, a lot of the time they cant handle it. Your happiness is a direct reflection of their unhappiness

[quote] We'll have a good time and later I'll find out he said something weird behind my back.

[quote] He went and told other people that I "basically thought they were headed for divorce," which I did NOT say.... It got back to the couple and they asked me about it.

OP, it sounds like your friends circle not only gossips about each other, but also tattletales about it.

Your friend sounds negative and unhappy with his / her own life. I would punch and delete. I wouldn't want to be around someone so negative.

R40 Jealousy is the emotion we're least honest with ourselves about. People always want to justify their anger even when there's no good basis. I'm not the problem-- it's that the other guy is undeserving of his boyfried/money/looks/whatever. (Never mind how much time I spend thinking about him.)

OP I had a similar friend. He would purposely exclude me from hanging out with our mutual friends and then I would hear later they had done things separately - he acted as though I didn’t know any of them when the reality was that we had all been friends for years. It was bizarre and made me feel really shitty. He would always brag about stuff he was doing and never invite me to anything unless it was just the two of us hanging out. He never got over me befriending a bunch of his friends and I think he wanted to keep me away from people in case they liked me better than him.

I ended up not making an effort to reach out to him and basically never heard from him again. That was 2 years ago. I don’t regret it. Our friendship was toxic (I hate that word but it was).

Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with this friend of yours. If you feel unsettled or drained or bad after every get together - it’s usually a strong sign something is amiss.

If you can talk to him and salvage the relationship - that’s a good idea. But if that’s not possible (my friend was way too emotionally stunted and shut down), then consider cutting your losses and pull back.

[quote] He has no vehicle, but insist on calling out every turn that I MUST take when taking him by his ATM or dropping him off at the lotto place.

I tell friends the price of me driving them is that they are not allowed to backseat drive unless my driving presents a physical threat to our safety or anyone on the street. Otherwise, they have to shut up if they want me to take them anywhere.

I realized very late in life that I’d been a horrible gossip all along because I’m think skinned and dread confrontation. If something was bothering me I wouldn’t take it to the person themself; instead, I’d turn someone else into my therapist and tell them all about it.

It was a ghastly realization that I had spent a lifetime sewing those kinds of seeds but I did finally wise up, and it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that your snippy little friend is somewhat the same. He probably wanted to seem encouraging to you because that’s what a friend does, but he’s also got enough of himself wrapped up in his hobby that he’s competitive about it. Which would be a really hard thing to own up to straightforwardly. How would you ever say that you hope someone else’s crop fails because you’re insecure and your healthy tomatoes mean the world to you?

So, instead, he said the socially correct thing to you and humblebragged to someone else (who did you no particular favor).

R2 really did nail it, in my opinion.

Yes, my friend Julie.

I hate her.

All of them

They will pull back from interacting with you and will say things like, “We’ve just been so busy.”

Recently had a friend breakup after 20 years of seeing each other almost weekly. When I look back on it, she'd been making comments here and there that signalled something wasn't right - interpreting things I said in the worst possible light, that kind of thing. In the end, she just didn't like me that much but kept up the routine of hanging out. We basically "broke up" and it hurt but I'm glad she's gone.

R49 exactly. It hurts for awhile and then with distance you realize it wasn’t serving you.

Friendships become habits. We take for granted our friends "like" us otherwise why would they be our "friends" ? Wrong. Had a friend from the office worked literally side by side with her for 30 years. Traveled on business together, got plastered together . Went to each other's weddings and funerals. Same sense of humor,politics matched. Actually picked arse off the floor and helped into an ambulance when she had a heart attack at lunch. After we retired she came to vist. One passive aggressive attack after another. First thought it was her meds . Then after her farewell cunt bomb the light went on. When she turned at the door and said "We've got to do this again." Gave her a Hollywood hug and said: "Lets not and say we did.". Felt great.

Happens as friends age. When I was a young gayling my mentor George told me an old friend of 30 + years was in town and wanted to meet him for dinner. He fobbed him off and instead we went to see a film. Later I asked him why he cut such an old friend?. He responded with an eye roll "Comes a time you can't stand being in the same room with them" He saw I was taken a back. "Wait I'll happen to you." George was right per usual.

I think more people don't like me than like me.

I'm somewhat socially awkward and my true hilarious self only emerges when I'm surprised by a kindred spirit. But I can also be judgmental, so I'm fine with only a few true friends and legions of annoying acquaintances.

I made a conscious decision to treat people with respect and try to root out any passive aggressive behavior. With that aim I'm not going to worry if people like me or not. Like Rita Mae Brown said the price of conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself. I'm still an obnoxious asshole at times on Datalounge.

[quote] Had a friend from the office worked literally side by side with her for 30 years.

Work "friendships" are really hard to maintain after you no longer work with the person.

I recently lost a long-time friend. Over time, she was becoming more critical of me without balancing it out with anything positive. I was always (IMO) encouraging towards her.

I got an advanced college degree at some point, which opened up some opportunities for me.

She got married and always talked about her husband to me. (I'm single.) So, I didn't think she was jealous of me (because she seemed so in love with her husband). However, maybe she was jealous.

I realized that, whenever we got together, it was always more accommodating to her schedule and location, not mine. I just got tired of it.

R45 that is really great that you recognized that about yourself and decided to change it. Most people do not have the ability to self-reflect like that. Kudos to you, very impressive.

No, OP. I don’t have friends like that.

Your friend sounds like a bitchy, overly critical person who lacks loyalty. I believe I would have spotted those characteristics in them earlier, and not struck up a friendship in the first place.

Have you ever posted an original thought R55?

Well do you know gardening is hard work?

A friend is someone who can genuinely be happy for you, jour joy and your achievements. If that's just not in his character, distance yourself.

R14 I am not jealous of your spelling, grammar, or punctuation.

Your friend sounds like Livia Soprano. There is no changing that.

I think Nikola Tesla had the right idea when he fell in love with a pigeon.

Odd friendship.

OP, why are you so ungrateful?

Friends are like tires there's only so much mileage in em.

If I ever felt that way, then I would not consider them friends in the first place.

R45, you deserve tremendous credit for your self-insight, humility, and ability to change. I wish more people were like you.