A psychologist shares 6 toxic phrases ‘highly narcissistic’ people always use—and how to deal with them

(cont.) 4. “I’m a busy person. I don’t have time for this.”

“This” can be anything — maybe you want to discuss a project you’re working on together or you’re inviting them to a work event.

The hallmarks of a narcissist are entitlement, a lack of empathy and the inability to maintain reciprocal relationships. Not only are they unable to understand another person’s needs, but they’re also dismissive of them.

How to handle it: Recognize their limitations. They likely won’t make time for you unless they need something. These relationships are often the equivalent of going to an empty well for water, so do what you can to foster support independent of the narcissist.

5. “I hope you know who you’re messing with.”

The evil twin to this is: “If you ever do wrong by me, I’ll make your life a living hell.”

This tactic of dangling menace and the possibility of vengeance is how they create an illusion of power and a sense of fear in you. Most people don’t want to face this perceived threat, so they comply.

How to handle it: This can be unsettling, especially if you’re dealing with someone who does have a track record of making other people miserable. Documentation is key. Save all emails and messages. If there’s a genuine safety issue, work with local authorities to devise a plan.

6. “It’s not fair.”

Narcissists believe there should be a set of rules for them, and separate set of rules for everyone else. When they have to comply, or a consequence is enforced, it’s a reminder that they are not special.

Whether their friend’s company is doing great and making lots of money, or they have to pay a penalty because they tried to game the system and got caught, you can expect a rant of “it’s not fair” statements.

How to handle it: You may be tempted to appease them, perhaps out of guilt or to avoid conflict. But doing so will set an impossible precedent. Don’t try to be a person who tries to make life “fair” for them by making unreasonable personal sacrifices.

Omg I’ve just read this and it’s bringing back so many memories of my previous line manager. I’m disappointed that I left a good job because of her and now I’ve heard she’s handing in her notice and moving on. She was constantly emailing things like ‘I’m sorry you feel this way’. And grossly overweight just to throw that in.

I can imagine Bette Midler saying almost all of these phrases.

I don't know about specific phrases, but they are pathologically incapable of taking responsibility for anything. Nothing is ever their fault. They are always the victim, even though in most situations, they are clearly the aggressor. It's pathetic.

I used to label a parent I didn't like very well as a narcissist. They really fit the bill. But then I thought this isn't only what this person is. Maybe I have those traits too. Maybe it was generation trauma and the cycle passed down.

I thought about it. Here I am really hurting, hurting inside so much more than the world will ever know but I come across like a narcissist. I thought about my parent never getting the love they needed as a kid, just like me, never knowing how to show it. I wouldn't want someone to dump on me, when I'm hurting and in so much pain , almost a pathological insanity, accusing me of being a narcissist because I never learned basic respect and common decency among those you're closest with. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be like you normal people who love.

I feel bad for that parent. No I don't always like them or want to be around them because I feel invisible and they don't always see me. When they're great, they're great. When they're not, I know their childhood. They were hurt just like me. Didn't know how to escape the cycle.

So for me, these are great tools to use to work on myself and avoid being a narcissist. I used to think they were for labeling impossible people and sniping them down but it will never work for a narcissist. Their inner child will always defy any perceived attempt to cut them down because they're defensive of their heart. It's like they hear you say "you don't deserve love". Their whole fight is yes I do! They've never felt it or they would be able to give it freely.

I wish we had better ways to really heal emotionally damaged and suffering people.

Bump for original thread.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

Trump is the 'hugest' narcissist ever and he uses some of these but not all. He'd be the best case study on this topic.

Another one is "My exes are all crazy."

“Not many people have asked if I’m okay”

The number one trait a true narcissist has is never taking responsibility for their actions. Anything that goes wrong must always be someone else's fault.

I have two people in my life like that. Both are covert. Neither are grandiose. Which made their narcissism trickier to suss out.

But, over the years, I realized that neither are ever at fault. Even for dumb things. Like being late to a dinner. Or missing a turn while driving. They blame someone or something every single time. For big and small stuff. And if they ever do apologize? It's always loaded and what they're really doing is blaming the victim.

They also do this very strange thing where they are clear bully in a given situation, but then, magically, become the victim when they get called out on the bullying. It's remarkable. Total lack of awareness that this is actually what's happening.

I once tried to point this out to one of them. He was complaining about a fight he had with his sister. And he showed me their email exchanged. My god. He was so clearly the aggressor. So clearly the jerk. But to him? She was the monster. Anyway, when I tried to point out he may have provoked her? He attacked me. Called me every name in the book. It was so bizarre. He'd asked me my opinion on the situation! Boy did I learn to never be honest with him again.

I know we can all have bad days and do things like that from time to time. And it's occasionally justified.

But these two people do it EVERY time. It's sad, because when they're not behaving like narcissists? I really like both. But I mostly stay away these days.

R11, are you related to the two narcissists?

All narcissists are dangerous the trouble with covert ones is the have time to sink their claws in.

I know a couple through work, thoroughly awful human beings.

We have a troll on here who pulls #5 constantly.

R12, no.

One is a business partner that I have to work with. No choice for me. But he's, by far, the tamer of the two. And he has recently admitted he struggles with narcissism (not exactly his choice of words, but close enough.) This was after a lifetime of people running from him after he exposed his true self to them.

And, to his massive credit, he really wants to change. He hasn't! But he tries. Or he tries as much as a narcissist can try. It makes dealing him with much easier. I don't feel like I'm constantly losing my mind with his gaslighting, distorting the truth, blaming me for things I didn't do, etc. Because now he knows it's him. At least intellectually.

The other is a dear friend. I'll take a call once a month (we used to talk three or four time a week) or so as I really care for him. But I've simply drifted away from him. As has most people in his life. He's too critical, too sensitive and too much a perpetual victim to spend ample time with.

Of course, he never, ever think it's him that people are running from. It's always the other person who was so horrible to him, so monstrous, he needed to rid himself of that toxicity.

Most of us have a toxic person or three in our lives. But to narcissist like him? It's every single person they meet. Every person is out to get him. Out to ruin his life. It's bizarre. And it took my almost a decade to see it. Which blows my mind how I was fooled for so long. He can be very, very charming when he wants to.

Almost as annoying and insane as Narcissists and Dark Triad people in real life.... are that strange group of armchair psychologists and "survivors" of Narcissists, sort of survivor incels who populate the internet sites dedicated to identifying and surviving Narcissists.

[Quote] I’ll make your life a living hell

A promise that I’ll see to it you keep, bitch-ass!

[Quote] I’ll make your life a living hell

Bring it!

Does it say anything about an OP who replies to itself over and over?

Or a misanthropic cunt r19

CNBC has really garbage articles like this all the time. They also have a lot about someone who is supposedly making $10k a minute from a side hustle. Or someone whose house is “paying for itself.” But it’s because they rent it out and live in a trailer in the backyard.

The click bait / nothing here to see shit is ridiculous

“After all I’ve done for you!”

People still fall for this pop psychology crap? Anything with "narcissist" in the title is like catnip to fraus and baby fraus.

"My mother didn't buy me the limited edition Polly Pocket mansion I asked for my birthday #RaisedByNarcissists"

I hear you, R5. Same boat, different oar. Mad respect for your ability to reflect and to grow.

As an only child raised by a narc mom, I had to learn through trial and error and deep observation how not to be like my mother. I had to learn to stop being defensive, and how to say I'm sorry, and mean it.

I have been bother happier and sadder since I woke up to all of this. Happier because I respect myself for teaching myself how to own my mistakes and to be sincere and authentic with people. To value relationships and to see other people's viewpoints and needs as just as valid as myself. And sadder, because I realize that if I could get perspective, try, learn, and grow as a person, then my mother could have figured all of this out as well. For her one kid - me. But she never even tried. And at 73, she's still a selfish, wounded, clueless, defensive child.

Good job, R5. You're a good egg.

" Mad respect"

You can't blame that ignorance on parents.

No, but you can blame it on my nephews, R26