2034 Oscars

All Trans. All Minorities.

I’m frontrunner Timothee Chalamet, whose lengthy full frontal nude scenes are thought to finally secure him the Oscar he’s been chasing for so long.

I'm Frances McDormand even more annoyed with the whole thing now that I'm an old lady.

I’m the bittersweet honorary Oscar given to frail old Glenn Close and her defiant speech, beginning with “Fuck you all.”

Glenn Close gets an Honorary Award for Lifetime Achievement, but the 87-year old can't be there to accept it, because she just broke a hip.

^^^ Posting simultaneously. :) R4

I'm the verbose and pompous red-carpet interviews which Jamie Lee Curtis delivers to bemused TV hosts.

"As an Oscar winner... We Oscar winners... Well, when I won my Oscar".

I'm comeback queen Cara Delevingne. Nominated 2nd year in a row. This year for my portrayal of the white trash mother of a terrifying psychopath math genius, who goes postal his sophomore year at Harvard.

I’m Annette Benning’s honorary Oscar.

I'm the first AI nominee for Best Actor. I was created by Google.

I'm Austin Butler. Would you like a handtowel sir? Some cologne?

I'm the Best They Actor award (AMAB), sitting alongside the Best They Actor award (AFAB).

I’m Nicole Kidman’s surprise nomination for the remake of “Trog”, where she played the title character.

I'm Cher singing "I'm Still Here" in character as Carlotta Campion from the long-awaited, smash hit screen adaptation of FOLLIES!

I'm Timothee Chalamet. I'm a seat filler.

I’m Liza’s hologram!

I'm Rob Lowe, 70 years old, and I've recently had one of those A.I. total resurfacing jobs done in Shanghai, the new plastic surgery Mecca. It's much better than you'd expect. I've been asked to revive 10 minutes of my 1989 production number with Snow White.

Paris Jackson and Ryan Gosling win the top acting awards for, "I Murdered Donald Trump".

It's sickening Jamie Lee Curtis begs and moans for an Oscar but Annette Bening, Glenn Close, Michelle Pfieffer, Debra Winger, Deborah Kerr, Barbara Stanwyk, remain Scarless.

I’m Sandra Bullock being snubbed for my performance as Blanche in the Baby Jane remake. I offer to accept on behalf of all of Julia’s competitors out of spite.

What's a movie theater?

I’m nothing. Black.

I'm no longer broadcast over the airwaves, but if you have Amazon Prime ($100 per month), you can stream a highly condensed recap of me.

I'm Ryan Seacrest, still on the E! red carpet, and still hetero as fuck.

I’m Melissa Rivers joining Ryan on the red carpet. We both now look exactly like Joan.

I’m ChatGPT, nominated for Best Original Screenplay, twice, for two separate films.

I'm EGOT winner Jake Paul presenting the Best Picture award with my Pulitzer Prize winning brother Logan.

I’m Halle Bailey winning an Oscar for the Halle Berry biopic. I pay tribute by recreating her tearful speech verbatim.

I'm Will Smith allowed back in. I attend with my new young wife.

^wife or twink?

“Wife” in the prison sense.

I'm Jada, clambering on stage to bitch slap that 'mo for bringin' his new wife and tryna show me up.