Losing patience with a friend/empathy fatigue

What I would do is tell her that I love her but that I simply can't remain friends with her as long as she stays with a man who beat her up. You might want to tell that that If she doesn't have enough self respect to end the relationship, you simply can't be in her life because it's too painful and infuriating for you.

Fag hag. What do you expect?

Stick to your man friends.

Yes, but tell her you'll support her if she leaves him. She might need a safe place to stay.

She's wanting sympathy. Don't give it to her.

If you gray rock her every time she brings up some outrageous thing that's supposedly happened to her, she'll eventually stop telling you these things. She may even stop contacting you entirely, and then your problem is solved.

Thanks r3 (and r1/r4)

Gray rock?

I think I have been gray-rocking without knowing it.

I can't relate to having a long-term on again off-again friend where there seems no basis for the relationship other than time and taking turns in neediness and "support" functions, and for whom you can offer few kind or genuine words.

That sounds like a fucking job. An unpleasant one and without pay. A mutual misery club.

If your friends make you inclined to be stingy with them, the friendship wouldn't seem to have much value. Real friends give to each other in their own way, and faults and all we love them for it and want to do well by them and see them do well. If it's a chore, let things lapse and spent your time in better ways with people who make you happy.

I don't like to drop old friends, r8. Life's too short.

You don't "gray rock" someone who's being beaten up, you offer them help in escaping! And you cut through the bullshit when they try to excuse the abuser or justify staying! And if they just won't hear it, you tell them to call when it's time to get the hell out of there for real.

The "gray rock" treatment is for people who make up stories about being abused, for attention and sympathy.

[quote] I don't like to drop old friends, [R8]. Life's too short.

Life's also too short to listen to the same bullshit, over and over. Then, you come onto DL and rehash it.

This woman friend is not going to give up her abusive boyfriend. I don't see the use of giving her a friendship ultimatum.

Sometimes a friendship just runs its course.

I would gradually withdraw from the friendship or, if you can, rip it off like a Band-Aid.

[quote]She is the kind of person who seems to move from one personal catastrophe to the next. She also dates losers -- alcoholics, addicts, grifters

I can not be friends with people like this. I have enough problems of my own. I can't associate with people who have so much negativity/toxicity in their lives. I don't want it leaking into my life. I don't want to hear about abusers. I will not pretend to sympathize with anyone who dates an abuser. I don't have time for that.

I have helped people get out of bad/abusive relationships. And I'll do that ONCE. You're on your own if it happens a second time. I can NOT risk my life for someone who is stupid and doesn't care about their own life.

[quote]I don't like to drop old friends,

Then what are you doing here? Why are you wasting bandwidth?

Thanks r11

It's sounds terrible, but something about her messages feels manipulative to me. I can't really put my finger on it.

[quote]It's sounds terrible, but something about her messages feels manipulative to me. I can't really put my finger on it.

I believe the modern term is "sadfishing."

As a complete aside, I always fight the urge to revise Wikipedia articles written like this (but then think of much better uses for my time):

Sadfishing can be caused by many things, the main reason being that someone doesn't get enough attention, and/or has low self-respect. This is proven by the fact that people sadfishing are looking for compliments: very close to narcissistic behaviour, but with desire for compliments from other people for self-satisfaction. Sometimes adults partake in sadfishing because of jealousy. When someone finds themselves threatened by another person who takes all the attention, they may respond with sadfishing behaviour. Loneliness can result in sadfishing as well; by posting about their emotional problems, people tend to crave attention. Posts about anxiety and depression are really common while sadfishing, as people tend to show care and give attention to the one sadfishing. Another reason for sadfishing can be that someone feels uncomfortable sharing feelings with their close friends or family, and as a result they turn to social media to share feelings for sympathy and attention. Anti-social behaviour can lead to sadfishing as well: if someone has no friends and no one to talk to, they often end up sharing it online.[6] Another reason for sadfishing can be trolling; people will troll and see if they can hook an audience onto themselves. Sadfishing can also be because of actually wanting help; people tend to sadfish in order to feel better, after letting people know that they need help.

So today I learned 'gray rock' and 'sad fishing'. It's been a fruitful day, oh yes.

I have two longtime female friends who have been telling me for years how miserable their marriages are but neither has filed for divorce yet. I even gave one of them a phone number for a family law attorney who would be perfect for her (very resolution minded, not conflict creating). I just can’t hear about their marital problems any more when they have the ability to end them

Redirect the conversation to something lighter and distance yourself.

When she talks about this exhausting shit with the bf - respond “I’m sorry ☹️” or something equivalent that is brief and appropriate.

But don’t engage. It’s too draining. She will either get the message and stop or she won’t.

R19, having an attorney's name doesn't mean a divorce is easy and feasible for everyone. Some people don't have the resources to fight a really nasty ex in court, some people just can't afford two households plus legal fees, some people think that getting the kids to certain life goals is more important than their own happiness.

Yes, sometimes people avoid obvious solutions to problems, but sometimes the solutions to problems aren't nearly as obvious as they seem from outside, so try not to judge too harshly.

Tell her that no matter how much advice you offer she never changes her behaviour and decisions and you just can't do it anymore because it's exhausting.