Middle aged and eldergays: Would you be with someone in their 20s?

[quote] If you actually talk to them it's not like a transactional sugar daddy relationship

It most certainly is, whether they admit it to others or themselves

no. sad last days.

[quote] Would you be with someone in their 20s?

Half of my sock drawer is older than that.

No.

It always seems like 10 or 12 years is about the max without being ridiculous.

I'm 60 and I wouldn't even consider the idea of dating someone less than around 50.

Rule with rich straight guys is half your age plus 7.

20-somethings rarely have themselves figured out yet. From mid (sometimes early) 30s on I don't clutch my pearls so much about age gaps, but younger than that feels unbalanced.

Love is mysterious.

I wouldn't, but the fact you seem more worried about how it would look to others shows your maturity level falls within the range of those in their 20s.

My husband is 24 years younger than me. I didn't look for someone that age but it just happened. I keep telling him I will trade him in for someone younger when he hits 50.

Ten down ten up seems good once you hit 35

I have done men in their 20s but a relationship . . . No

Christ, who cares about age? It totally depends on the person.

NO. They don’t want me either, so it works out for both of us.

Certainly not!

What would I want with a wrinkled-up old queen in his twenties?

Same r4. I'm in my late 40s and a guy in his 20s would just be way too much of an age gap, I'm old enough that I could be his father FFS. 10 years younger than me would be my limit. My partner is 7 years younger than me and the age gap is not significant.

At my age, dating a guy in his 20s would just feel really odd and embarrassing.

Conversely, when I was in my 20s I wouldn't have been interested in a guy who was in his 40s. That was OLD!

I was 53 and he was 28. We met on Craigslist, were together for 3 years and our age never once was a factor. He was the love of my life and our chemistry and sense of fun was off the charts. He is an engineer, vegetarian, Hindu Indian; I am a artist, omnivore, atheist Scandinavian.

[quote]Even in a gay-heavy crowd it turned heads.

I'm chuckling to myself as I picture this.

Noooooo. I pretty much exclusively get hit on by 21 to 28 year old kids on Scruff. I'm 50. I can't get the attention of anyone between 45 and 55 to save my life.

I actually got a message from an 18 year-old this morning.

And I don't think the 20-year-olds are even interested in being in a relationship with a 50 year old guy. I think they just want hot daddy sex. I can't blame them. That's what I want too. (Hot daddy sex with 50 year olds.)

I'm told by the puriteens anything more than a year division is pedophilia no matter what their ages are.

Fraus would agree but only with men with a younger partner, for women it's empowering.

lesbians seem to be squicked out by the thought overall but eight to ten legal years is an acceptable limit. though there are a lot of mamas with babydykes. and with fatties, it's often a guess to their ages.

People in their twenties who get with 60-year-olds only do so for two reasons. 1) they want financial support, 2) they are mentally ill. Could be one or the other, could be both.

I guess if the older of the pair realizes and accepts that, it could work.

with the exception of a few posters, I don't get the reasoning of people on here... what does it matter if it's 10, 20, 30, 40 or whatever age difference? what matters is if there's a connection between two people. the younger person can learn from the older person and the older person can certainly learn a thing or two from the younger person. of course there's gonna be problem areas, but these can be worked out as in any relationship. as mentioned in the lonely guy going to the amusement park alone thread, who the fck cares what other people think...

[Quote] Even in a gay-heavy crowd it turned eyes green

Fixed it.

R21. If it’s a mental illness, it’s surprisingly common.

Mental illness / desperation

It happens. Love does strange things. I can't fathom it happening to me, especially because boyish/twinky guys aren't my jam. Find it really weird that people are so revulsed. Queer folks should know better.

OP- On the Datalounge elder gay begins at 40.

R25. I don’t think it’s only unattractive guys who are interested in older men.

Excuse you, on DL 35 is eldergay; 25-34 is gay middle age.

Maybe it is selfish of me but I want someone with me who lived through and experienced my timeline, so to speak. Someone who knows how it felt to experience 911, Aids, Princess Diana, Queen, The National Enquirer, JFK Jr living in New York.

[quote]Maybe it is selfish of me but I want someone with me who lived through and experienced my timeline, so to speak. Someone who knows how it felt to experience 911, Aids, Princess Diana, Queen, The National Enquirer, JFK Jr living in New York.

There's an almost 20-year difference in my relationship we met in my 50s and his 30s. We have very different but complimentary personality types, come from different countries, grew up speaking different languages. A stranger could be forgiven for wondering what we have in common.

A decade ago well-meaning friends raised the question of shared cultural experience. "Does he even know who The Beatles are?" (of course, and likes them more than I do.) "Will not sharing these cultural references and benchmarks be a problem?" (No. Neither of us is nostalgic or have much time for rehashing old music, dead celebrities, or pop culture.)

In my 50s I wouldn't have taken on a relationship with someone just like me, same age, same background, identical interests, same opinions, same perspective, same vocabulary to describe our shared views. That would have bored me to tears or more likely to hold in contempt someone who echoed all qualities good and bad. That's not complimentary, that's a parrot. The idea that someone needs to have been overexposed to the same musical group in their 20s or whenever, I can't think of anything less important, but then relationships and what brings people together is the great mystery.

[quote] If you actually talk to them it's not like a transactional sugar daddy relationship

Oh you sweet summer child.

R31- I guess what I was trying, very inadequately, to say is a certain level of maturity would have exist. Many people in their 20's are very level headed and more mature than some 50 year olds I know. But honestly, and this is only insecurity on my part, I would feel very self conscious about my body image next to a young lover. I hate to be so shallow but it isn't easy aging In this youth oriented world and I would be constantly comparing my aging self to his youthful beauty and i would feel so unattractive. But as long as you are both happy that is all that matters. I guess I am just a shallow old bitch. 😞

There's gotta be something really off about the younger partner. That's five or ten years away from becoming his nurse, isn't that odd? People at that age are so out of it and behind on technology and how the world works now that they would be really easy to manipulate, he could be living whatever kind of double life he wants and the geezer would be none the wiser. I think that little rat is up to something.

Probably not because age and age differences are merely a proxy for assessing several factors in a relationship:

- Maturity of both parties. Frankly, this can go either way as older people who never seem to grow up and date younger people are as tedious as immature young people.

- Power assymetry. One of them has a lot more power in the relationship - whether it's the old one or the younger one.

- Life stage. While you cannot assess whether a relationship is successful based solely on the length and whether it lasts a set period of time, we tend to believe that longer lasting relationships are "better" than shorter-term ones. Age often correlates to life stages. Older people have fewer major changes in their lives ahead of them while younger people continue to grow and change. Dating someone with huge life changes in front of them will likely end with people's lives taking radically different paths, leading to dissolution of a relationship as they grow apart.

- Relationship experience. Younger people tend to have been in fewer long-term relationships. Relationships are more than being "in love" and require work and compromise. Also, experience will let you know what is and is not acceptable (to you) in a relationship - what are true deal breakers and what are simply annoyances.

Plenty of people enter relationships with a big age gap. But, unless you (both) are simply interested in having some fun, it's questionable whether it's going to last. In which case, both parties need to be concerned about whether it might not leave one of you in bad shape.

Same here r30. I want someone in my own age range because they're from the same time period as me. We wouldn't have to constantly explain shit to each other, we have similar life experiences, etc.

R36- I think the time we have lived in and experienced very much shape who we are and how we think a great deal. We lived in , I believe , very unique times. Before cell phones, computers, before 911 and ring cameras. It has made us who we are, I believe, just as the younger generation will be unique to their time.

True r37. I'm in my forties and have friends in their 20s and while I like them as friends I couldn't date any of them. The age gap is just too great and being a couple would just feel weird, for starters, and also they have no idea what the world was like before the things you mentioned. I'm always explaining things to them, they really can't comprehend they world people like you and I grew up in. Another poster mentioned that people of our pre-tech generation had to cultivate personalities, charm and certain other skills that the younger generation just doesn't have. I see this constantly.

While the people I know in their 20s are all great people, there's something "lacking" about them, so to speak. Being in an intimate relationship/living together with them would just be something I wouldn't want to do.

Also, I couldn't hang out with their friends. I'm 47. What am I going to do with a 25 year-old boyfriend? Hang out at a party full of other 25 year-olds? That would be ridiculous and embarrassing.

I agree with r33. I am 51, in great shape, but my skin is wrinkled from too much sun. I would be so self conscious and would feel old.

R40- I am absolutely lost in their world. They are very intelligent about tech, gaming, etc. But something seems to be missing, as you pointed out and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. A remoteness? They have had the answers to everything from birth because of the internet. They have no interest in books, just podcasts. This isn't criticism of them in any way, i just find them very interesting because they grew up entirely different from us .

R41- I felt so vain writing that but it is true! When I am around people my age it doesn't bother me but a young, beautiful man?

[quote] They are very intelligent about tech, gaming

that's laughable - top games are coming from older generations. Even most of the mods are coming from older people.

tech is the same... most don't know shit. Nothing on how to repair. Their idea of coding is c&p. They believe using A.I. makes them authors and artist. That autotune means they can sing.

R44- What I meant was the gaming language they speak. It may as well be German or French because I have no idea what they are talking about.

At 61, a 29 year old approached me in a gay bar and wanted to chat. He was cute and polite but I kind of brushed him off while trying to figure out what his angle was. He asked if he could give me his number. I took it but tossed it when I got home. (An out of state area code - another red flag!) Four months later the same guy came up to me in the cafeteria of the hospital where I was eating lunch following an appointment I had there. Turns out he was a doctor who recently moved to my city to complete his residency. We ate lunch together and agreed to have dinner later than week. That was almost 6 years ago and we've been together since. The truth is I'm more sensitive to other people's reactions to our age difference than he is. He simply doesn't care.

I see no issue with it.

R46- I think you both are very lucky to have each other. Nothing is more lonely or frightening than being alone. ( To me) Sometimes we just " bump souls" with someone we never thought we would be compatible and comfortable with. As long as you both enjoy being together that is all that matters.

I'm 61 and I was recently hit on by a 24 year old at a friend's party. I'm not great looking or rich. It made me very uncomfortable when he suggested I take him home with me and I left the party early to get away from him. I don't like being someone's fetish. Ew. The thought of exposing my skin tags and crepy skin to him did not appeal to me at all.

Last year, I dated a guy who was 31 (I am 53). Bad idea. He did not even know how to kiss correctly. He was broke all the time. Still finding himself. However, the biggest turnoff was that we could not relate to each other - at all. Outside of sex and anime - there was nothing there. In a relationship with a 55 year old man now. We have a lot in common. Total opposite of above! He does not watch anime, but I forgive him for that lol. Will never date a man under 40 ever again.

To actively seek out is weird. (Probably daddy issues from the younger man and a need to control from the older one.) But sometimes love just happens that way, within reason.

The 60 year old man either has money, or a gigantic cock.

Why is an out-of-state area code a red flag? Sometimes people's mobile phones have area codes from different states.

When you’re 60, whatever you do with a guy in his 20s should happen behind closed doors.

A while ago I read an article that said people are attracted to those that have about the same intelligence level and same maturity as themselves.

As they say, R55, “water finds its own level.”

No. The rule is "half your age plus 7 years." I'm 56 which means 35 and up, no exceptions. And you know what? I'm fine with that. Most men hit their peak attractiveness in their late 30s.

Not in a million years. Eldergay here and I have never cared for young guys. There's nothing like the company of an experienced, well educated, mature companion who's been through the ropes and knows how to make love. The downside is that older guys are usually more jaded but I'll take that over inexperience any time. I find them sexier, too.

FUCK. NO.

I don't even like guys in that age range. Never did.

I'm in my early 50s and my bf is 28.

You all hating on it are free to have your own opinion and I am free to have mine.

A good half of the hate-posts are motivated by spite and jealousy.

No- I am almost 44 and I would prefer 34-52.

I am around a lot of folks in the 25-29 age range and as much as I adore these kids, there is no fucking way.

I love how you all think you can just order up a boyfriend in a desired age range like life is one big Uber Eats Delivery.

[quote] A good half of the hate-posts are motivated by spite and jealousy.

You wish. I think most guys here who don't care for younger men simply don't relate to you at all. I know I don't, just like I don't relate to children or cats. You like 'em, knock yourself out and leave me be with guys around my own age.

Never.

Sad, pathetic and desperate.

No way

I'm actually searching, at this moment, 55+ communities in Los Angeles.

[quote]knock yourself out and leave me be

I have a feeling the whole world is happy to leave you be.

Absolutely not.

I started a new job 18 months ago and there is a 28 year old bodybuilder in my "new hire" cohort. Today, we were trying to sort out something that got totally 'effed up by one of the overly officious, self aggrandizing upper managers. Much to my relief, at one point the kid took control of a tedious task and just kept at it until it was done.

"If only you were 20 years older and gay," I said to him.

"Well," he replied, "just get me a time machine and a Bud Light."

With one exception where it was a one year difference, I've always dated older. I don't even date my own age. At least, I haven't yet.

On occasion, I might see twentysomethings I'd like to screw around with, but I don't know that I could have a committed relationship w/one. I didn't even have anything in common with them when I was actually that age. Much less now.

I've known 3 lads who lusted after old guys...over 60 or 70 when they were mid 20's. These older men were always the type that weren't even hot in their heyday day. What really intrigued me was that these older guys were well used to dating way younger....it was rare to find an older guy who thought he got lucky...it seemed to have been their norm to get cute, often masc and handsome athletes. It's as if they each saw beauty tru a different lense than the majority of us.

I have some rules. Not to try to change the laws or brutally judge others, but they're at least strong guidelines I live by. I'm not yet middle aged, but getting there.

Late teenagers should be left to their own ages, within individual needs and good reason. Even if legal, a 16 year old should be with other teenagers, and its not a great sign if they're even with 20-22 year old. However, a 19 year old may date somewhere up into the 20s, but the higher it goes, the exponentially more risky such a relationship seems. I definitely do not think its a great idea when I see public figures with 18-20 for the younger, and with ~35/30s for the older (see: Dustin Lance Black), but that gap is the very very biggest for my tolerance, and I hope the younger is relatively mature about it, and the older is exhibiting a ton of responsibility aside from this detail existing. You should not be with a teenager as a clearly middle aged adult - period. Go be whatever else, like a platonic mentor, friend, or sure, later on, explore each other sexually. But a partner? Kind of ridiculous.

Early 20somethings are still mentally developing, and arguably in many other ways. They're not kids, but sometimes its going to feel that way. Even if a 20 year old is totally independent, successful, and graduated or already on career path, I still think they should be with someone not middle-aged, and ideally only with 20somethings. Of course there's surprising exceptions, but I don't think this is the time for someone still quite immature to be with anyone who could be their dad. However, going through the younger 20s, I think things start to really open up, and by 25, I think there's a lot more freedom that should be afforded and respected. If a 25 year old wants to be with someone middle aged, I wouldn't advise it, but I now have a lot more confidence they know what they want and what their relationships are. No guarantees, but it seems much more likely. So go date that 35, or 45, or if you insist, 55. But I also think they're too young to chain themselves to a retiree or whatever. At the very least, go date working age adults, and ideally, still stick to younger adults.

By 30 I stop giving a shit and if they want to be with middle agers, fuck it go for it, and if they want to be with seniors, then its their lives but I don't get it.

In my 20s, I developed my upper ceiling of interest from 30s to 40s, not 50s+. Now in my 30s, my lowest is early 20s (and I even doubt that now) with my ceiling being 40s and very unlikely 50s. By 40 I'll probably be completely disinterested in early 20s, and by 50 I may be completely disinterested in late 20s. When people get to be over a generation older/younger, I don't see much of the point besides MAYBE very casual encounters, and even then, I'd feel gross about being any part of a not-totally-developed adult's life (aka under 25).

[quote] I have a feeling the whole world is happy to leave you be.

Clearly, you peaked in high school which explains everything else.

72 - Also to clarify something - half age plus seven rule is basically intuitive bullshit. There is no precise formula, or even objective guidelines. From what little I found, its basically Victorian pseudoscience on how young a woman can be for an eligible bachelor to wed. AKA its for the straights, arguably too restrictive for the real world, and includes too much of a care for fertility. Its also guided for the *ideal* partner, not even the lowest limit. I think its totally fine to bend and may be fine to even break this 'rule'.

So lets say a 40 year old - half age plus seven is 27, but I think you shouldn't feel guilty for at least hooking up with 22 and 24 year olds (maybe 22 if you regard 18-22 as a more innocent college time), you should enjoy and even date 26 and 28 and 30 year olds if you can stand their generation/your younger in your generation, and you should easily date 32/34/36 year olds without any concern, even if they're not quite near your age. It isn't 'don't do anything at all with people under 27', but its a nice junky ruler to trigger your concern about how you'll treat them, they'll treat you, and society and friends and family might regard you.

R62 is disgusted with us.

No, we wouldn't speak the same language.

If someone is of the age of consent and wants to work out their daddy fantasies with a 50 y.o., I’m fine with that.

People need to stop with this idea that sex is so traumatising. It’s just an experience. It’s nothing sacred. Sometimes it works out well, sometimes it doesn’t. People have these puritanical ideas about sec which leads to a lot of guilt and regret. Just get over it. Sex is an activity. It’s not an identity. It doesn’t define you.

As long as it’s legal and consensual, I’m fine with that.

R77 This is true, but its also a risk. There's a difference between once, privately, getting in a fuck - and being known as a frequent fuck friend - and growing into a romantic relationship that's partially come out of how much you're fucking. The further you're going with this, the more you have to deal with the greater realities of one partner being 50, and the other being say, 18. These are different lives and the differences start clashing and at worst, causing major problems with maturity, attachment, lack of experience, manipulations, etc. Problems that either may not, or at least pose much less of a likelihood of happening so badly, if the ages were closer, or you aren't dealing with a younger partner that not even fully developed in the brain yet, or an older partner that may be so old that they're losing mental faculties, etc.

Sex is just an experience, but the world is FILLED with experiences that are tied to trauma, or control, or irresponsibility, etc. You can make your sex times in as much a vacuum as possible, but don't mistake that for nothing happening once you're out of the vacuum. Why yes, a middle aged man visiting a 20 year old in their dorm/student apartment room for frequent sexy times MIGHT just have CONSEQUENCES! Its best that everyone gets informed on what those consequences might be, and what ages and their differences might be best in order to avoid or mitigate them. That's a whole part of sexual education, besides the meager amount of it one might get at high school today.

For a one night stand sure. Well, maybe two nights!

Experience in love preferred but will accept a young trainee.

OP, I don’t even have the energy for a relationship with someone my own age (early fifties).

20 somethings are good for friendships, they keep you young and grounded in pop culture trends. But I can only take them in small doses and I'm just not interested in anyone under 35.

"A good half of the hate-posts are motivated by spite and jealousy."

Nah. I just like rugged, handsome men. Bros in their 20s overwhelming do not check those boxes.

BTW, it sounds like you're insecure he might leave you for someone younger. A valid concern for sure.

I know a few lesbians who are in May/December relationships. One of them is 24 and her girlfriend is 57

Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson, for instance.

[quote] Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson, for instance.

I thought this was a joke. I googled and my mind is blown. WTF? Holland is a lezzy?! And can still eat snatch at her age??

Holland has always been a proud lez, as has Sarah.

Holland was married to a man

Holland is 80, Sarah is 48!

I'm in the 35-100 category then R6; either Daddy for a 35 or Chicken for a centurian.

[quote]Holland is 80, Sarah is 48!

Holland has a wicked tongue, and Sarah enjoys every lick of it!

Probably not going to happen. When it does for a couple if they enjoy themselves, however long- good for them. Life is short at every age.

I'm 61, decent looking, average cock, not rich. On Grindr, etc LOTS of handsome, decent 20s and 30s (some 18-20) hit me up. Had a couple of one night stands, sex buds with them but couldn't imagine a real relationship, but who knows? (and no, no sex with under 25)

Went out with a 31 year old for awhile, was great one on one but just did not enjoy hanging out with his friend group. Ugh.

[quote[A while ago I read an article that said people are attracted to those that have about the same intelligence level and same maturity as themselves.

I've read that people are also typically attracted to people that are about as attractive as they are. They tend to not aim higher or lower in looks.

I think a LOT of people need to go look at who's woofed and messaged them and then give some serious thought to where they REALLY are on the attractiveness scale.

One huge reason I won't go out with the 20 something kids that approach me online is that I have this horrible fear of going out in public and having somebody say something like "well, if you and your son just follow me to your table, I'll be back with some menus in a moment".

😳

No. I have been in an age appropriate relationship for my entire adult life. I don’t care what anyone else does but I silently judge old people I know who use their financial clout to get younger partners who secretly hate them.

Whenever I see an older guy with a much younger one I think, "Sugar daddy and his prostitute."

[quote]Bros in their 20s

Excuse me while I barf up my breakfast.