Tinder TMI too soon

I suspect this never happened. But how is this a dealbreaker. He must have not been hot.

Bette tells you.

Well he was trauma dumping way too soon in public. And we weren't talking about anything depressing or dark, it's like something shifted in him out of nowhere. But this did happen, and yeah he was very average looking. I understand why you would be suspicious, it's DL. But this story doesn't involve any bragging about sexual exploits or details any fetishes.

If you don't want to be an asshole, text him that he shared too much information on the first date and it put you off and you wish him well but it's not going to work for you. Then punch and delete. Maybe he will learn to keep his trap shut about squeamish child abuse on a first date.

Does he still have a tight cooch?

Creative writing isn't your thing, OP. Try something else.

So rude not to ask, "Was it hot???"

R4 has good advice, if this is real.

Must have been a really quiet bar

I wouldn't feel uncomfortable if someone told me this. It would not be a deal breaker for me.

Yeah, agree with R4. I realize this is DL and the prevailing ethos is assholery. However, I'll risk being earnest. If you follow R4's advice, and you can manage to do this without shaming him, you might also suggest that he find someone to talk to about his trauma. Someone who can actually help, in a space devoted to healing, rather than a public bar.

R8 It's not

R11 "in a space devoted to healing"

Oh brother

He's a crank, get away quick or you'll be sorry.

A few weeks ago I heard a homeless man screaming loudly at his imaginary enemy that he molested him as a kid. He was really pissed and had to get it out of his system. People process their trauma in different ways. Most people are wounded inside.

When I was a little boy growing up in Bulgaria, which is the worst by the way, poor people everywhere and cabbage is constantly cooking, there was this woman who was kicked out of her house. She lost all her money and couldn’t even sell her body, so she became a clown on the streets. She would perform all her tricks standing in mud and would just cry and cry.

R9 Well, it was a brewery that serves food and it was at 6 pm on a Monday so the noise wasn't too loud. R11 Yep that's a good addition to R4. Also I didn't realize that posting something on DL required using editorial-level grammar and writing style

Yes it certainly does, young man. Don't ever be so careless again.

Gay guys use Tinder??

Sure, Jan.

I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire. I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up in his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement. I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames and when it was all over I said to myself, is that all there is to a fire?

R16, how tragic and heartbreaking. Jesus, I thought my life was hard.

Marty me, R20.

If true, this is quite sad, OP. Ask yourself what you want to do. Would you have wanted to see him again before he overshared? If not, write him and thank him for the date but you don't want to take it any further.

If you would have wanted to see him again, maybe give him another chance. Who among us hasn't said inappropriate things we wish we could take back?

Oh fer chrissakes, dear R23.

R16 Does she have a gofundme?

I don't think the OP should "give him a chance."

If OP thinks there's a "red flag" connected to this guy, stay away from him.

He deserves a better partner than you, and you shouldn't get into a relationship if the first date emotionally overwhelms you.

[quote] If you don't want to be an asshole, text him that he shared too much information on the first date and it put you off

You’re an idiot. Somebody who offers that kind of information has a screw loose. Continuing to contact them will lead them on, thinking that if they apologize they’ll go out with them again, or you may possibly end up pissing them off by telling them that they fucked up on the date and then you have a stalker looking for revenge.

OP, you don’t say anything, and if they keep contacting you, just say you’re incredibly busy and leave it at that. You can even mention that you’re working things out with your ex or some shit. He may stay away if he thinks there’s another guy in the picture.

[quote] A few weeks ago I heard a homeless man screaming loudly at his imaginary enemy that he molested him as a kid. He was really pissed and had to get it out of his system. People process their trauma in different ways. Most people are wounded inside.

^a sucker is born every minute.

Not the kind of surprise anal one hopes for on a first date.

R26 I'll expand more. I wouldn't see it as a red flag if we dated a few more times and he disclosed it to me in private. But it was on a first date. We weren't talking about anything closely related, other than video games and tv shows that we liked as a kid. I was like, "I knew deep down that I was gay after watching Hercules", and then bam, he blurted it out. And he didn't say it quietly, it was actually loud enough that people four seats down looked at us. I didn't mean to trigger him by talking about our childhoods, because I had no idea. The conversation was long but just okay, I didn't get lost in his eyes and I didn't fall for him.

It's clearly a deal breaker for YOU.

By the way are you the same drama queen who had a grand mal seizure over a $70 double shot of whisky?

I met this cute guy,we hit it off and go out for a few drinks then head back to my place .As we are getting all naked and frisky,he out of the blue said " I want to call you Uncle Billy while we have sex" . I of course asked "wtf?" and he tells me the only way he can have gay sex is if the guy lets him call them that. Apparently an Uncle of his lived with him when he was a child and molested him for years. He was cute,I was horny and drunk so I agreed. He left out the part where he liked to weep and beg me to stop . That didnt end well.

I had a Moroccan friend like that. He spoke no English and me no Arabic. His French was rudimentary. Gorgeous young man. He would crawl all over me for hours then when I took him to bed to fuck, he would cry and beg me to stop. I would stop and then back would come the intense intimacy and physical touching and even little kisses.

r26 here.

OP, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to get involved with someone for ANY reason.

He deserves someone better as in "better at dealing with his issues."

You don't need to torture yourself just to be "nice" or get a boyfriend or whatever. The fact that it was "TMI" for you shows the two of you aren't compatible. The fact that you felt it first doesn't make you a bad person. Listen to what your feelings are telling you and that should work out fine.

That’s fucked up

People are really open now, too soon for a first date, sure… but maybe he was nervous. The fact that he told you so soon is a red flag that it weighs heavy on his mind and he can’t move past it. Red flags are good because they give you a chance to run. Don’t lead him on. Someone getting dating advice on Datalounge or even hanging out here is a red flag. We’re all fucked up.

OP, you didn't fall for him otherwise. There's nothing wrong with saying that you had a nice time but you don't feel like there was a strong connection, and you wish him well. Let him read between the lines if he wants.

Sounds like that guy needs a therapist not a boyfriend or a lay. Stay the fuck away from him, OP. People like that are unbalanced in bad ways.

Please. I've got real problems. A guy you met on an app told you something before you were ready. Lord, child. You need to get out more.

Red flag?? Are you a nazi??

Red flag?? Are you a nazi??

That's possibly the worst way possible to find out if someone is a top or not--meaning he wants to make sure you are one.

Punch and delete as mentioned. He has mo idea how to behave in public and he's going to say weird shit and overshare in front of your friends/relatives.

Tell him you bet you’re a better top than his Daddy.

R19 Tinder’s a great place to find hook ups with bi/curious college jocks.

Isn’t this something that clinical narcissist do? Over share to create the illusion that you are bound on a deeper level….a method of hooking you emotionally into their shit?

R126 “He deserves a better partner than you..” WTF? First date over shares about child molestation in a public venue. Red flags exploding right and left. Perhaps the OP can have compassion but desires a healthy partner. Perhaps he’s not equipped nor desires to deal with another’s unresolved trauma. OP’s date needs a good therapist not a “better partner.”

^ R26

He's going to cut you up and throw you into a wood chipper, heed the warning.

Dates with Zoomers are nothing but looking at phone and talking about your "traumas" and "mental illnesses". I cannot imagine such a collection of low lives.

McFly or Feldman, r22?

I had a regular guy I used to blow, he worked in a hospital, & we’d do it in the lounge room/sex room (yes these really exist, as seen on Grey’s Anatomy).

During the second time I went there, he’s really turned on & tells me I’m really good at blowing him, way better than his uncle who molested him back in Hawaii when he was a kid.

After he ejaculated I grilled him about the uncle, asking if he ever reported it to the police, he said no. I asked if his uncle was still alive, he said no, but I knew he was lying.

We met about 3-4 more times & we mostly talked about Tv shows, Dexter in particular. The other thing I remember is he never wore underwear.

I love you, R50!

[quote]it's like something shifted in him out of nowhere

Not out of nowhere, he was thinking about having sex and the memories of what happened in the past came up, and he blurted it out.

He's probably not a bad guy but there's no shame in backing off, if you don't want to take him on as a project you're not morally bound to do so.

The best part is the people taking this story seriously - I needed these laughs

[quote]she became a clown on the streets. She would perform all her tricks standing in mud and would just cry and cry.

A real crowd pleaser. Surprised she hasn't played 54 Below.

R45 Yep you're right. It could've been a conscious or unconscious way to try to lure me in. In the moment I felt a lot of things but I did feel a lot of sympathy for him, and at the time I felt a little bad for leaving without hugging him or anything. But it's been two days later, I haven't texted him back, and I'm over it. I'm sure he knows therapy exists, and I know, based off of his job, that he can afford the money and time to get it.

OP, around here YOU'RE the bitch sharing TMI too soon, too much, too suspiciously, and too obsessively.

Stop.

Anytime someone trauma-dumps on me, I recite Isabelle Huppert's fireside monologue from Elle as if it were my own story.

I don't know if it was a red flag. Unfortunately that's his answer to his first sex story. At least he didn't lie to you.

Perhaps he was previously seeing someone who found out months in that he had been molested and reacted badly, so he reckoned he’d lay his cards on the table with you. What was his demeanor when he said this loudly? Any chance the family friend was also underage and it was some experimentation?

Welcome to the thread Pollyanna Pete.

OP? You bet it’s a red flag. This is the kind of thing people do when they want to push you away. It’s not personal. They’re just not capable. They were probably threatened by the level of intimacy you’d already established and sub-consciously decided to just sabotage themselves. Run don’t walk. Would be a complete waste of time. You can do better.

I'm a sucker, I feel sorry for people, but I wouldn't date him out of pity. He hasn't dealt with his trauma. If you hear from him again perhaps diplomatically tell him that what he said about his childhood abuse had concerned you, suggest he isn't ready to date and ask/suggest if he's ever had therapy. Let him down gently but give him boundaries so he knows where you stand, then wish him well.

OP is giving us TMI and we're not even prospective tops for her greedy hole.

You should have stood up, slapped him across the face and said, “Snap out of it, man!”

dick pictures please

OP I'm assuming you two are married now?

I believed it until the bartender walked away and other people were shocked.