Is there anything you regret about your gay life?

[quote]I wish I had the confidence when I was younger that I do now.

So do most people.

I’m always the smart Charlie’s Angel

I’ve never been to Fire Island. I don’t understand how the housing stuff works. I go to PTown all the time because it’s so easy to rent a place for the week.

When I was younger I thought I must be so ugly because gay men in NYC didn’t react to me at all. It was a while before I realized that the gays of Chelsea (yes, back then) aren’t the only gay guys in the world and their opinions aren’t the only gay opinions.

Still because I wasn’t what the paragon of gay was supposed to be, it felt terrible about myself

Being a serial monogamist instead of a slut

Wasting time on pursuing sex and otherwise living in anxiety. But, as noted above, that isn’t really limited to gay lives.

Hard to say. My challenges have come from other sources besides being gay or the closet. I would say I regret more what I’ve been through in over 25 years with medical malpractice, undiagnosed neuro issues, fucked-up family dynamics, academia, general survivor’s guilt and estrangement, depression & agoraphobia arising from the aforementioned etc.

So the latent lesbianism has barely chagrined me, I haven’t had time to even get it out of the box and play with it properly. Though that may change in coming years, who knows.

More that the gay nightlife has changed. I feel like NYC gay nightlife - especially dance clubs - disappeared too early. I don’t regret the sex and decadence. I regret work more and the misery of having to exist in corporate America. My gay life has been my saving Grace - prevented me from being stuck married with kids.

Focusing so much on trying to get hot guys, even having loads of sex. It can become an obsession particularly when it’s tied up with the desire for acceptance

I regret believing that love was possible.

Not dumbing myself down enough to be more agreeable and affable.

Coming out to my family years ago. I should never gave done so. My sister has used this info to torture me for the past 10 years

I regret not trying more to have gay friends. I thought you guys were only good for one thing most of my life. Now it's challenging for me for different reasons.

I have wished that I'd had the wherewithal to come out the minute puberty hit. When I was 27, I ran into a guy at the Club Baths whom I'd known in high school. I brought him home with me that night and we had the best sex ever. No cock ever fit my ass as perfectly as his. And when we were 16, we used to smoke pot in his bedroom after school.

I even got mono from him, by sharing joints and pipes. Oh, what we could have been doing all those years ago, if we both hadn't been so closetized.

Not dying when I tried to kill myself in the 90s.

R11 yeah, blissfully stupid and ignorant and easygoing people often seem to have nice lives. They just don’t have the capacity or awareness to worry about anything or care much about the state of the world. I envy them.

Regret is too strong a word, but if I had a do-over, I'd probably date a bit more and be just a bit more of a whore, darlin'.

I think I'd have embraced more of the "gay experience" more than I did.

My big gay life sucks OP. Happy now?

I regret everything. I was a slut, I had bad relationships, I stayed closeted even though everyone was aware that I was gay. I'm almost 60 now and I feel as if life is over, I've felt this way for several years now. I regret these things but when I look back, I did my best and in the end things just sometimes turn into failure or profound disappoint. I have a feeling that if I hadn't been the slut that I was i would now be regretting that I wasn't a big slut. At the time of my sluttery it was a combination of desire and a feeling that I have to get this out of my system now while I can because it will be impossible without a whore fund later when I'm old. I was also a late starter almost 30 before my first time with a guy and there was a feeling that I have a lot of catching up to do. I waited so long because I was around 16 when AIDS hit and I knew my potential sex life was over before it had even begun. I was terrified of catching it and basically decided to focus on work and stay busy with other things.

[quote]I waited so long because I was around 16 when AIDS hit and I knew my potential sex life was over before it had even begun. I was terrified of catching it and basically decided to focus on work and stay busy with other things.

I think it did a number on most gay men born between 1965 and 1975 - the height of the AIDs crisis would have coincided with when most people become sexually active or begin exploring. It really imprints on you since, as a gay man, you were likely already scared of being gay and acting on those impulses. Born before and you had already likely been somewhat active, so would have already passed the initial hesitancy - the first few times are always difficult, but becomes much easier over time and experience.

Lesbian, and regret not socialising and partying and experimenting sexually at all when younger. Not just because my body would have been tougher and tighter and more energetic & attractive (though that’s part of it—I’m not butch), but also because the world was so much more chill and less dark & scary when I was a teen/College kid. When I was in the thick of adolescence (in the 2000s/early 10s) I was terrified of shadows on the wall, but I could never have guessed how fucking dystopian it would get outside, or that everyone would be forced to live the shut-in anxiety-ridden life I have for so long. Sometimes I don’t know how to carry on, knowing things will never get better and all I can do is get older and less capable.

I just bought a plush lined bathrobe that I honestly thought accentuated my masculinity. The s.o. sees me trying it on and immediately says “ladies and gentlemen, Miss Marlene Dietrich!”

Earlier - lack of confidence, drinking too much, not having a relationship, picking better friends, spending too much money going out, etc

I don’t mind being a gay.

Spending too much time and money in the fucking bars. I've posted this in other threads. But that was where most of the men were in those pre-internet/social media days. Plus, my family was rooted in bar culture; my parents met in a bar, socialized in them. My mother even belonged to her bar's softball team. So bar culture was a major part of my upbringing, unfortunately. The overwhelming majority of my hookups and dates were done under the haze of booze and I made a lot of bad judgments.

Spending my 20’s going out every night of the week rather than saving money to buy real estate.

Trusting that boyfriends had my, or our best interest as a couple! BOY did that mess me and my credit up for awhile.

NEVER open a joint phone or bank account, it will end in tears. I have a few credit cards he doesn’t know about as well.

Don’t cheat, just end it.

Don’t try to “just be friends”. This is rare and you should have radio silence for at least a year if one of you is left heartbroken.

1. Glad I didn’t get the AIDS but did lots of stupid, risky things. 2. Wish I went to college when parents refused but they paid my tuition when I went out on my own years later. 3. Had a better relationship with my brother (left home young) 4. I regret I quit creative writing when my nosy mother read a stash of intensely private stories and asked me about them 5. I regret not fixing my bad credit sooner but have a score of 830 specifically from goal of being debt free becuase of bad credit 6. That I didn’t keep in touch with some friends

Non, rien de rien.

Non, je ne regrette rien.

I wish I liked sex more. I love intimacy. I love being with men, but I’ve never had much of a sex drive.

I wish that was different. It would make it easier to achieve the emotional intimacy which has eluded me.

R12 Tell that bitch to FUCK HERSELF

I don't have deep regrets about my gay life.

I think I grew up kind of fast and was deep into casual sex, in a way that probably made it a longer transition when I found my partner, but I grew up fast in lots of ways (had to be the adult when my parents weren't, etc.) so it is what it is.

If I had to call anything a regret, I'd say that through a lot of my twenties, I was immersed in a somewhat small town gay culture vibe, and while I cherish some parts of that (including friends I still have), it could also be very gossipy and high school-ish, and I wish I hadn't paid so much attention to what others might have thought of me. I never fit into mainstream gay culture and wasted several years trying to do just that - thankfully moved on from that and haven't looked back since.

Like one of the previous posters, I wish I had done a better job staying in contact with friends and associates. There are quite a few friends from the past I wish I could speak to now.

But PS: I don't regret ANY of my casual sex experiences and actually cherish those memories a lot. I'm a shy person in general so I'm just glad I had those experiences, versus reaching the age I am now, with various medical issues, and enveloped in sadness that I never had those adventures.

R26 Good list!

Not quite a "regret" but I had to learn that I didn't need to become friends with ALLLLL my tricks. Sometimes it's okay to just hit it and quit it LOL.

I regret not being braver and putting myself out there more to try and find a partner. I always thought I had more time.

When I was young, I didn't realize how difficult it would be to find love and companionship as you get older--especially as a gay man. Finding that is hard even for straight people, but it just didn't occur to me until much later how exponentially harder it is for gay men. At least in this heteronormative world, straight people have so many opportunities and settings to find each other and connect, but for gay people our options are so limited in comparison. You REALLY have to make a consistent and conscious effort to put yourself out there and meet other gay people. The chances you're just going to meet someone in daily life, like in school or at a coffee shop, for example, are slim to none if you're gay. Straight people meet up and connect all the time in daily life, but gays have to specifically go to gay events and social gatherings--and even then it's a crapshoot.

But I was naive and didn't realize this until too late. Now in my 40s, I have sort of resigned myself to being alone.

French translation please

R36.....

I regret pretty much everything. I never fit in anywhere. I was too much of a wallflower, to shy, too lacking in confidence (mind you, for lots of good reasons), fell for all the wrong guys in my 20s which did real damage, had some fun in my 30s I guess, but have been single since turning 40 and will die alone, completely separated from the "gay community" (which is less interested in me than I am in it apparently). Rejected by all sides. Don't fit into any of this "queer" stuff (more power to you all, but it ain't me). All my best friends are straight couples that live a thousand miles away.

Honestly, I've truly lived a life not worth living, and if I could safely and painlessly end it right now, I would (or any time in the past 20 years, or any time in the next 20). Kinda wish I'd never been born at all.

I regret not understanding the power that my big, thick has. It should have given me supernatural confidence

Having more self esteem / confidence.

I've always known I'm of below average looks, and I have no comfort in my own skin. But when I look back at photos from 20-30 years ago I don't look so bad .

If anyone said they were into me I'd assume it was a mistake or they were saying it for a joke.

I saw no value in myself.

I saw no value in myself beyond my looks. I was caught up in the superficiality that I thought others were applying to me.

In threads like these, where the sad sacks come out, I'm reminded of how so many of our mothers influenced who we became as adult gay men.

So many parallels......so many of us wondering, after decades of being "nice", why we weren't rewarded with love or contentment.

So many of us looking around in our 40s and 50s and wondering where everyone went.

So many still sitting in a corner waiting for permission to live.

Our mothers and their lives and struggles imprinted on many of us so deeply.

R41 uh in my case it’s my Dad’s fault but...go off I guess🐣

R42 Not every comment is about you.

[quote] You REALLY have to make a consistent and conscious effort to put yourself out there and meet other gay people. The chances you're just going to meet someone in daily life, like in school or at a coffee shop, for example, are slim to none if you're gay. Straight people meet up and connect all the time in daily life, but gays have to specifically go to gay events and social gatherings--and even then it's a crapshoot.

Wow, that really spoke to me. It's exactly what I wish I had understood when I came out. I just thought that I'd meet guys randomly. That rarely happens.

At that same time, I thought I wasn't good looking enough for anyone to want to date me. While my friends would go to cute meet-up events, I was so afraid if rejection that I never went. Now, looking at old pics, I was actually pretty good looking. Sadly my standard was the gay ideal, not real people.

Two friends are stunning looking and they actually do find other gays at random places. Of course they do.

I don't waste time on regrets when it comes to being gay. I focus on the advantages it provided for me and there have been many.

Gay man here. I don't really regret anything. My experiences and choices, both good and bad, led to who I am today, which is a 50-something man happily married to my husband. I learned from my mistakes and experiences and endeavored not to make the same mistakes over and over like I see a lot of people, straight and gay, do all the time.

I coupled up pretty young with my first partner. I didn't have a lot of sexual experience. It was by choice. I wanted to meet a guy, fall in love and get into a relationship. Casual sex didn't appeal to me. I liked older guys, and when younger I was also cautious of them because I saw how many would say anything to get in your pants, then drop you after they got what they wanted. When I broke up with my ex, I was in my 30s. I thought I missed out on sleeping around, so I did some of that. I found out fairly quickly that my original goal was the one that fit my personality best. Casual sex was ok, but ultimately unfulfilling for me, so in the end I don't regret coupling up when young.

I kept dating until I found my husband. Now I'm comfortable where I am, and again, no regrets because the past led to where I am now.

I have to say, I would not have met my partner if I hadn't moved to a larger city (Chicago). It was a miracle of timing, even with that. I was in a good space, had clarity about my life goals, and while I'd had my fun, had shut down any casual play or further dalliances with unavailable guys.

It is really tough. And while some guys can meet at a bathhouse, I'm sure, it is important to go to gay themed events, or even something like a gay themed bowling league or gay friendly church.

I think a very important key for me is that I was in a good space, and had decided that if I was going to be single, I wanted to make my life as lovely as I could make it. So I wasn't carrying a sense of sadness or desperation going into a new phase of life. I *had* been that sad before and when a few dating scenarios fell apart I was devastated.

I don't mean we need to paste a fake smile on our faces and pretend we're perfect, but of course, someone will find us appealing and intriguing if we aren't radiating pain and a wounded spirit. If we're in a bad space, it may be time to heal and work on yourself before asking someone to come along for the ride. Another person cannot fix you, make you better or fill the voids in your life.

Lived as a roommate with a little old lady- when interested in the room she said she’d be spending 6 months in Florida, the other 6 in NYC in a gorgeous 3 bedroom doorman building off Union Sq.

She lied. She was home and spent everyday by herself, knitting. She was an abrasive yet endearing, passive aggressive Jewish grandmother, her kids always at arm’s length away from her. Even in the midst of a handful of friends she had, she absolutely reeked of loneliness.

One day, she saw how I worked and never went out and said, “You need to put yourself out there or you’ll wind up just like me!”

It was like someone threw a bucket of ice water over my head. That very week I made deliberate plans to get outside my comfort circle, be uncomfortable and put myself in situations where I’d meet new people.

R48, I met my husband at a brunch with friends when I was 48. When he smiled, it was like a door opened inside me, we were married a year later. You must go outside your comfort zone, make mistakes, and kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince…

By the way, my old lady roommate absolutely hated him. Even more when I thanked her as I moved out!

December of my senior year of high school, my best friend who was a year older, came back from his first semester of college. We spent most of break hanging out in my basement, smoking cigarettes and drinking wine coolers his brother would buy us. I was deeply in love with him. The last before he went back to school, he leaned over and kissed me. He told me he was always in love with me and missed me every day.

I have no idea why, but it freaked me out. Part of me thought he was kidding, and if I told him I loved him too, he would laugh and say it was all a joke. I told him I loved him too.....wait for it.....just not in THAT WAY. And of course, I totally loved him in that way.

Things were never the same after that.

Just thinking about it now makes me feel sick. He was so brave, and I was a scared idiot.

I often wonder what would have happened if I admitted how I felt. I mean, I doubt we'd still be together all these years later, but the trajectory of my self-acceptance might have been 100% better.

I hope he's doing well.

Datalounge mostly.

Who doesn’t have regrets? It’s part of living. I’m trying to figure out how to make new friends because the friendships I had in my 20s and 30s were rubbish. All based on meaningless superficial issues.

At this stage of my life, I don't want a lot of friends. Now I have two or three close friends, but it stops there.

Hello Dick Cheese @ R50

I have been saying “there are no regrets” as I’ve been reading this thread. Only because it’s been a list of things stupid gay men wish they had done when they were stupid gay boys. They mostly didn’t involve a willing partner.

But the. I read your submission.

THAT is a true regret, and for that, i condole you. Points for trying to be classy and wish him well. I hope you’ve accepted yourself, enjoyed the ride since, and are doing well too.

No- I’ve had a great “gay life” if you want to call it that. Met many many people- had hot and steamy affairs, two long term, both good until both ended for good reasons- and it ain’t over by a long shot.

If I have regrets they have little to do with being gay. I wish I was nicer and kinder when I was younger.

r50, I made a similar mistake, pushing away someone who wanted to stay closeted, with whom I might otherwise have had a nice relationship—or at least regular excellent sex. Instead, I walked away. The next time I saw him, all that was left was his panel in the AIDS quilt.

If there's a chance your guy is still alive, try to find him. What I would give to be able to talk to mine again.

If emotions weren't so blunted by my SSRI, I know I'd be tearing up at R50 and R56. These are stories which only a gay man can have because only a gay man can love someone and be terrified to tell them.

The one thing I regret is not having sex sooner. I came out at 20 but didn’t have sex until I was 28.

I have to assume some of you are 60 or older?

(Not a criticism, but just considering your reluctance to act was understandable especially in that era)

I wish I had tried out a dildo at least once...

I would have eased up on the butt plugs a bit. Kinda sad when you lose your anal virginity but the top can’t even tell.