Let's be The Criterion Collection

I'm Spine 23: RoboCop

I’m the 4K restorations scanned from the original camera nitrate negative. I’m very, very fragile.

I'm films by black and women directors. The Criterion Channel keeps pushing us, but the most watched movies each month are Hollywood classics and films directed by white men.

I'm the inferior cardboard cases that are occasionally used instead of plastic keep cases. I'll probably arrive with dented corners if sent in a bubble mailer, to the eternal sorrow of OCD-afflicted collectors.

I’m the out of print laserdisc, DVD, or Blu-ray that is listed for sale at $500 on eBay.

I'm Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles.

I sold more copies in December than during the entire decade I've been on the market. A few of those buyers have finished watching me.

I’m the pretentiousness.

I'm the beautifully restored films on Blu Ray that only cost $40

I'm their rival, Cohen Film Collection

I’m the Fox & Paramount films TCM never shows.

I’m like brand new to many appreciative eldergay film fans.

I'm The Breakfast Club. I am considered the downfall of Criterion.

I'm Armageddon, R11, and I'm not the only Michael Bay movie from Criterion, so take a seat.

I am the $40 Blu-ray’s of films directed by black directors that the majority of people have never seen or heard of. It’s possible we are in fact great films, but we’re willfully ignorant of the fact that people who still consume physical media aren’t going to make a blind purchase of $40 on a film they’ve never heard of. Not surprisingly, when these titles don’t sell, the problem is White People, not our poor business decision making to appease black Twitter.

I am the fact half the new DVD releases have been movies that came out within the past two years and are still available to stream. Surely this has nothing to do with corporate deals or sponsorship!

I am One Night in Miami. If ever there was a film that didn't deserve a Criterion release, it's me.

I’m the Woody Allen filmography that will never be released on Criterion ever, despite Polanski having all his movies.

I'm the Criterion Collection 3-disc version of Terry Gilliam's Brazil.

But R15 !! all the special features!!!

DIRECTOR-APPROVED SPECIAL EDITION FEATURES

New conversation between King and filmmaker Kasi Lemmons New conversation among King, screenwriter Kemp Powers, and critic Gil Robertson Conversation between King and filmmaker Barry Jenkins from a 2021 episode of The Director’s Cut – A DGA Podcast New program featuring King and actors Kingsley Ben-Adir, Eli Goree, Aldis Hodge, and Leslie Odom Jr. New program on the making of the film, featuring King, Powers, director of photography Tami Reiker, editor Tariq Anwar, producer Jody Klein, costume designer Francine Jamison-Tanchuck, and set decorator Janessa Hitsman New program on the film’s sound design, featuring sound editor and mixer Andy Hay, sound mixer Paul Ledford, and music producer Nick Baxter English subtitles for the deaf and hard of hearing English descriptive audio PLUS: An essay by critic Gene Seymour

New cover by R. Gregory Christie

....

(Great idea for a thread OP!)

I'm the original 1998 white nimbus ring release of Salò. For a while there people had to cough up $500+ on ebay for me.

What does "Spine" refer to?

I'm Rainer Werner Fassbinder. Even I don't know how I have such a huge output while also dying so young.

R22 To vertebral column, Rose.

R16 While there are many possible reasons why Woody Allen isn't in the Criterion Collection, one of them may be that he won't approve any release that includes supplements.

R24 That's not the answer in this context, DIPSHIT DUSTY ROSE FUCKFACE.

I'm Fanny and Alexander. No, not the 188-minute theatrical version, but the 312-minute TV version—oh, wait, sorry, I'm both.

Dah-dah-dah-daddah-DAAAH!

He'll be suicidal in Paris because NOBODY will tolerate such intrusiveness by strangers. Also Parisians have an eye and will be repulsed by his appearance.

I’m the fabulous David Lean/Noel Coward box set. Four classics for only $47 on Amazon!

I'm SIR JOHN GELGUID, who was in 800 of the 1,000 spined movies.

SIR JOHN GIELGUD**

I'm my Brief Encounter DVD with water damaged artwork......, and tht makes it even sadder!

R33 wins so far

I'm me fantasizing about fucking frequent Criterion Channel contributor and essayist Michael Koretsky.

I'm the 50% off sale at Barnes and Noble.

I canceled my year long subscription to the channel.

I'm the Criterion movies not watched by the guy on DL who doesn't know how to play in a "Let's Be" thread.

I'm "Valley of the Dolls.," proving that the Criterion Collection has a sense of humor.

I'm the sort of unique and lovely, yet annoying and pretentious user interface for my streaming service.

I'm the spine number gimmick, and I'm here to fuel completionism in our buyers.

So far I've been very successful.

I'm Arrow, Vinegar Syndrome, Scream Factory, and Synapse.

We're the Criterion Collection of B-movies.

I'm Isabelle Huppert, brooding with a ciggy.

I'm the original bright pink cover artwork for Viridiana which was dropped when the devotees in the comments on criterionforum rose up in protest at a black and white film having a cover in colour.

(This thread explains what I was talking about in R44)

We're the Youtube "movie stars pick out Criterion movies from some sort of closet" videos. The fascinating thing about us is how uniformly boring we are.

We're the pre-Code Hollywood collections reminding the public that pre-1934 American movies were racy as fuck.

How do you mean racy?

I'm the broken Thelma and Louise Criterion cut that I dropped a 10lb bag of potatoes on, when I was unloading groceries.

[quote]How do you mean racy?

Watch "Baby Face" and get back to me.

[quote]Watch "Baby Face" and get back to me.

I'll do just that, gurl.

I'm SIR JOHN GIELGUD

I'm the tribute of a little obscure character actor

I'm The Black Stallion and I am beautiful.

I'm dead Anna Karina. When I was alive in the Criterion Closet 3 of my 5 picks starred MOI!

I’m Jeanne Moreau’s saggy cheeks.

All men desire me.

I’m the movie that you fell for the write-up on the case and were disappointed.

But I am also another movie you got that blows you away and is truly one of the best films you’ve ever seen.

I'm the Eclipse series of boxed sets of movies by both famous and unknown filmmakers.

I’m “The Umbrellas of Cherbourg” and despite being hated on another thread, I’m going to come out in a snazzy new 4k edition in a few months.

I’m “Cleo from 5 to 7” although at 90 minutes, I should only be until 6:30. I take place in “real time” but there would appear to be some liberties with how fast I get around town. Still, I’m a fun, French New Wave film with great cameos and an appearance by a bohemian Michel LeGrand playing his music.

I'm the 4K edition of Mildred Pierce. Bette's films have not been upgraded.

I’m Tatsuya Nakadai. I’m in almost as many Japanese films on Criterion as Toshiro Mifune but I always look different. I am handsome and suave in “High and Low”, a crazy-ass loon in “Yojimbo”, old and feeble in “Ran” and damn good-looking in “The Woman of the Snow” segment of “Kwaidan”.

Some people say I have the biggest eyes they’ve ever seen on a Japanese person.

I'm the hard-to-watch and equally hard-to-forget "La Cérémonie" (1995), directed by Claude Chabrol and starring "La Huppert" and "La Bisset." Its influences are old-school DL: the murderous, possibly incestuous, Papin sisters; Jean Genet's "The Maids"; and Ruth Rendell's 1977 novel "A Judg(e)ment in Stone."

I'll be part [italic]two[/italic] of Criterion's "Ingmar Bergman's Cinema" with the remainder of his films, filmed plays, and TV offerings which weren't included in part one. I don't exist yet, and may never, but I have a lot of great stuff to offer!