HITTING ROCK BOTTOM: Share Your Stories of Shame and Redemption

Many will argue 12 Step Programs are a cult or bad, but I would argue that most of us are broke without health insurance by the time we hit bottom. Rehab and expensive drugs are for the wealthy, and in my experience, only slow the rampage, they don’t arrest it. I had a problem with meth, and my bottom wasn’t as bad as many of the others I met in Program, mostly by sheer luck. People do not come back from meth, I could count on one hand the fellows that had 10 years+ in NYC. I am 11 years sober.

AA is not a cure. What AA and other programs do is essentially distract you long enough and deliberately wrest your attention away from your compulsions for awhile . Hopefully, the grace of the span of time you spend sober, you find reasons not to imbibe. For me, it was I woke up from a deep sleep or numbness, and found a ways to love myself again- and conduct my life differently. Purposeful. With a center. For a very long time I was a spontaneous, handsome but erratic, seat of my pants, free spirit, loving kind of guy. This is fun in your 20’s but wears thin by 40.

I had to pull apart feelings, emotions and coping habits I was comfortable doing since childhood. I had to disclose innermost thoughts and secrets that kept me using, and seek new ways of validation and redefining the idea of what I believe is a healthy relationship. There are what I call invisible tripwires all through early sobriety, and they all tether back to feeding ego and feeling validated and loved.

Tread lightly!

I bought etizolam (legal xanax) online and spent about 4 days extremely high until I ran out of pills. I was sent home from work three days in a row for being visibly fucked up. As someone who is used to being high-functioning on weed and alcohol, I was mortified that anyone noticed. I consider that to be my ultimate rock bottom moment of immaturity and recklessness (I was 27). I haven't touched benzos since then and never will.

I only bottomed once, way back in 1988, and I don't care to repeat it.

Thanks for sharing, OP. How do you support yourself?

I hope you are doing well. Please provide updates if possible. Were you placed on probation? Stay strong. Your post shows a lot of resilience.

I got sober at 38. My bottom was getting involved with a married man 25 years my senior and unbearable self-loathing. One day I woke up (hungover of course) and stared at myself for a good ten minutes in the mirror. I stopped drinking that day and used LifeRing and self help books as support. What kept me sober was healing the pain from an abusive mother and the trauma of childhood sexual abuse.

I am 51 now, happily married and actually like myself. All things that I thought were entirely out of reach of me.

Sobriety is the best.

OP nobody knows you, yet you went on at length in your first post. Don't you find that a bit self-centered? Also you forgot to explain how you support yourself through this entire train wreck, and a new homeowner to boot. Anyway glad to hear you are out of the worst of it.

By the way are you a gay man, or "other"?

I asked him how he supported himself as well, r7, and he ignored me. Something is fishy here.

R7 and R8 he also completely glossed over his DUI. It was a blessed event according to him. Didn't seem to care at all about the danger his behavior presented to others. Just that it made him quit drinking.

I guess the apple didn't' fall far from the narcissistic parent tree.

Are we sure this is a him.

OP was caught on Doorcam.

Nobody cares, you ridiculous frau cunt, OP.

[quote]my bottom wasn’t as bad as many of the others I met in Program

Pix please!

r12 nailed it. Thread closed.

R8 Nothing fishy, I just got busy for a couple of days. I have passive income, I was in the music industry for years. I have income from publishing and stuff. I've done some producing so I get royalties from that. I get income from merch, etc. I don't have to work anymore unless it's something I wish to do for the experience of it. It was a blessing during the height of the pandemic to have that passive income and not have to worry about losing my job. But it also allowed me to isolate and become untethered from reality and the human race at large, because I could. I had no accountability and no one getting in my business. Now I know that I need community and structure to stay healthy and grounded. Having that much freedom sounds cool, but it wasn't. It was very sad and empty.

"Didn't seem to care at all about the danger his behavior presented to others. Just that it made him quit drinking."

R9 I do care -- THAT'S WHY IT WAS A BLESSING. Cuz I should not have been driving under the influence, and it is horrifying to me that I was making such bad decisions that could have impacted others in profoundly catastrophic ways. Like I said, me ending up in the ER multiple times didn't diminish my drinking, but the DUI scared me sober. Cuz it wasn't about me anymore, it was about the safety of others. And I felt like a piece of shit. And I never want to be that person again. I never want to put the safety of other people at risk ever again. It haunts me. I actually thanked the officers for arresting me when I was released the next morning. I am so grateful I got caught.

Gosh, OP.

Tell us more.

R5 Yeah, I'm on a year probation, had my license suspended for awhile. I have interlock on my car for a year and I'm taking a 12 week alcohol awareness zoom thing.

R17. WTF? When I didn't answer peoples' questions, people were suspicious and disgruntled, and now I'm trying to get caught up and answer the questions, and you're giving me shit for that. No one is saying you have to participate in the thread. Feel free to ignore it.

A close friend’s brother was just murdered (yes) by a drunk 23-year old on his second DUI. Karl was just driving to the store and was killed instantly. Left two kids, a wife, and a heartbroken family. I’ll never drink and drive again. Ever.

Good luck, OP, and others who have shared.

R2 If that is your ultimate rock bottom moment, I bow to thee. Seriously. But I totally do get the embarrassment of being caught being weird and having your carefully cultivated responsible persona sort of shattered, and then having to grapple with that. It doesn't feel good. That's amazing you were able to drop the etizolam experiments pretty quickly and move forward. You sound pretty together. That's awesome.

Thank you for sharing, OP.

R20 Oh shit. Yeah. That is a nightmare. That's awful.

That's what scared me straight, thinking, like, I could have been the guy that caused a fatality, killed a person, killed a family, ruined a family, ruined my family's lives, et etc. Prison. Irreversibly sad, irreversibly bad things could have happened that night. That's why I consider my arrest to be a blessing. Cuz they got me off the road before anything bad happened. Thank God.

R22 Awww, thank you. I'm working on being open about this stuff, you know? Shame thrives in secrecy. DL is a good place to practice opening up because it's anonymous, and yet it's also brave to open up around here, people WILL mock you, judge you, fuck with you, and toughens you up and also helps you not take yourself too seriously, which is important to learn.

And then you get wonderful caring people who will step up and offer profound understanding and support, and that's a wonderful surprise. It's pretty special around here. I think this is my six or seventh year on DL.

Jesus, OP. I need a drink after that story.

Just remember to take an Uber home, R25.

I can't even try to post a response to this thread. My life has been going downhill so fast since 2017 and every time I've thought I've hit rock bottom , I'm surprised to find that I can go even lower. I halfway think rock bottom may actually be my death. But even then, I'll probably find some way to sink even lower. I can't talk about what's going on because it's so messed up I'd be in tears for the next four days.

R27 Oh man. I'm sorry to hear. I can only imagine. When things get super fucked up, it's so overwhelming to figure out how to unfuck it. But listen, I couldn't have predicted how or when I was going to finally pull out of my shit spiral either. It started in 2017-2018 as well, when my relationship was collapsing. By 2020 things were getting pretty freaky. By 2022, I was out of control. It felt like my life was over, like I didn't have a reason to even try to figure it out. And somehow I made it through. I really wish that for you. I hope you can figure it out. It's not over 'til the fat lady sings. xo

Thanks R28. I haven't given up yet. Thought about it. A lot. But I haven't given up completely.

During the shutdown most states kept liquor stores open as essential because they didn't want people at home going through alcohol withdrawal. Except in Pennsylvania. Those poor bastards were driving to NJ to pick up their booze. I would have been one of those hitting the road.

Good luck OP. It's so hard to be open, even anonymously. I think you're brave for that and for facing your problems.

CUNT OP doesn’t want us to “share our stories.” She wants to bore us with the same crap her only friend told her to shut the fuck up about.

R31 You sir, are a treasure.

I didn’t lie, CUNT R32.

Bottom line to anyone spiraling down? Get help- AA, counseling if you can afford, pastor- ask for and get help.

I was pretty depressed throughout my 20s and 30s. I had an extreme hoarding disorder (on top of being an alcoholic) - so bad I was terrified of having relationships so I was always out in the party scene. I couldn’t see my kitchen. Bath was useable, and it gave me an excuse to go to the gym all the time. Sometimes I’d sleep at the boathouse just to get away from it.

Eventually I got so paranoid of people finding out I just snapped one day, called an extreme clean up company, and had them completely throw away everything in my apartment except one box of documents.

I had the place repainted, bought new furniture, lived a monastic life, and fight the urge to collect every day. Haven’t hoarded since.

BUT! It gets worse in a different way before it gets better but that’s too much. Now I’ll say I quit drinking, quit smoking, (8 years!) and have been happily married for 6 years. It was a long road but now things are pretty great.

Good idea R34. Don’t bore DL with your bullshit like dipshit OP has.

That’s bath house not boathouse. I wish I had had a boathouse.

[quote]R1 I lack the spunk and motivation that I had

Consider that a good thing. I, personally, hate spunk. I almost didn't hire an associate producer because she had it.

OP, that was a good read, and I am very glad that you are doing better. Don't worry about your creative hobbies, going out, etc. It will come back when you are ready, or maybe you will develop new interests instead. Either way is fine, don't be hard on yourself because, in the end; nobody is keeping score.

(Sorry R1, I was quoting the OP, not you.)

I'm at rock bottom now.

My dad, who I've been looking for 12 years because he had dementia, died last year. It took ages for him to die in hospital, it was horrible to watch.

Whilst he was dying, my sister got evicted from her home, so of course she asked if she could stay temporarily at my dad's house with me, until she found a new place to live. I said yes, and she brought over the contents of a 3 bedroom house with her to store at my dad's.

My dad died and left his house solely to me, because he knew I'd look after him if he got ill, not my sister. So you can imagine what it was like living with my sister, knowing that she was cut out of dad's will.

My sister didn't keep her bankcard with her. She had plenty of money, but getting cash out of her for food and towards bills was a nightmare. Her son had her bankcard and of course he's been emptying her bank account whilst she lived with me. Christmas came and went without her finding a place.

I come home from town on a Friday and make a drink for us both. I said that I was going up to my room to read, she said that she was going to do the same. The next thing I know is that she's screaming at the bottom of the stairs in pain. I call the ambulance, who come in 5 minutes. They lift her into the trolley and she has a heart attack. 2 more ambulances arrive to assist. She's rushed to hospital. Intubated and taken to critical care. On Saturday the hospital call to say to go in. When I get there the doctor says there's nothing more they can do and that the best thing for her is to let her pass away. She died later that evening.

I've got to find myself a job now, and sell the house to repay the small mortgage on it, plus get over the grief of losing my dad and sister. I've been on antidepressants this year, but they've not really been helpful.

I'm not expecting sympathy or anything, this is DL after all. I was just sharing that I'm at rock bottom right now.

Good luck,OP!

Well, you have my sympathy, R41. Hugs to you.

Thank you R42

You have been through a lot, R41. May everything be in your favour from now on: I hope you can easily sell the house, and I wish your heart the healing, and your mind the closure it needs.

Sending you a big hug.

Bless you Dutchie

R41 Wow that is so intense. I can only imagine your suffering. At least you can hold your head high. Your rock bottom is not due to horrible life decisions but rather because you are a caring loving human being who has experienced back-to-back losses and caretaker stress. I know it doesn't change your brain chemistry to hear that. But it's a lot easier to bounce back from rock bottom if you aren't having to swim through the morass of toxic shame to get back to the surface.

I'm sorry for your losses. You sound like a great person. Please don't isolate.

R39 Thank you so much! Yeah, I am starting to feel the first twinges of dopamine come back on line just this past week, actually. I have to remind myself that while the brain is plastic and can heal, it doesn't happen overnight. In the meantime I do a lot of word puzzles and logic puzzles, and I read a lot.

I'm actually coming to a place of peace, too, like -- I mustn't wish to get back to some "old" version of me. I've been through a lot the past few years and I've learned a lot, both happy and serious life lessons. I ain't the same person but I can discover who I am now, and get interested in that, and we'll just see where that leads.

R38 HA! You know what? You're right. Spunk is overrated.

R35 Dude I can't believe you took control of your situation like that. I knew a hoarder once and they were so defensive about it and in denial and full of rationalization. I saw a little bit of it in myself for a time -- the inability to throw away bows from presents, little things like that. I realized I had unexpressed grief from childhood due to loss, and it made it hard to "say goodbye" to (throw away) certain types of things. If it had any kind of emotional or sentimental charge, I felt heart-broken to throw it away.

Do you understand what was driving your hoarding? And alcoholism? Was there some kind of childhood stuff? ( I mean, is there ever not?)

Again, I'm blown away that you overcame it on your own. Plus quitting smoking and drinking! AND finding love?! Well played!!

R45 That's very kind words. Thank you so much.

R30 Ok WOW now it makes sense why they deemed liquor stores an "essential" business! I hadn't worked that out in my head until you explained it to me. Of course - can't have people getting the DTs or actually dying from withdrawals.

I kind of remember, too, reading about the extreme, um, *robustness* of alcohol sales during the heart of the pandemic. Pretty sure I wasn't the only one day drinking in 2020/2021.

OP, you a MESS

My rock bottom?

Every day.

Care for some rock soup?

OP, I am really glad for you. You are not alone. From purely anecdotal evidence, the pandemic really sent people to their bottoms pretty quickly. You are right that lack of connection is really part of the problem and I encourage you to continue to reach out, get phone numbers, jump in with both feet. Others will tell you that it's a cult and there are definitely people who tend toward that paradigm in the AA program, but if you listen well, you'll find the people like you who have awareness that AA is just one part of a very rich sober life.

If anyone is thinking about needing help, there are any number of online resources. AA.org provides links to meetings, both in person and online. A good therapist who will support you in your healthy decisions is also pretty powerful. Also, there is now a nationwide suicide helpline. You can access it by dialing "988."

My bottom was not dramatic at all. I just realized that the drinking and using had somehow become more important than everything else in my life and I was losing my connection to everything that I loved. My world had become very small.

R54- Lovely and well said.

R41 Oh my gosh, that is tragic - I’m so sorry you had to witness both deaths. Do you have a good friend who can come stay with you for awhile? Someone supportive?

This is for everyone and I know I’ve said this on other threads but I absolutely believe it:

Get sunshine every single day, at least ten minutes. Lack of Vitamin D has been shown to affect moods and while we are talking about issues more serious than bad moods, it’s all part and parcel of the same thing. Get sunshine and if you are able, work in a garden or buy a plant to care for. Go for a walk. Read a book outside, even if it’s cold. Bundle up and get your ten minutes.

Is there some shame in transitioning now? Years ago people were militant to be called their new sex after surgery/hormones. Now I see, "I am a trans woman"- as if they feel they aren't the real thing. Just forever "nearly a woman".

You can't put 'trans' on your driver's license.

<- oops, my screen literally jumped to another thread

Where did you get it, r2?

My rock bottom was losing my lover of 12 years in a car accident,then withdrawing from the world,holed up in our house for almost a year ignoring everything and everyone and never leaving it.Then having the police tacking a notice to my door that i had lost the house to foreclosure for not paying the mortgage and had 3 days to get out. During that almost year of not leaving the house the only places that delivered was a chinese place and a liquor store so I drank myself numb every day and put on 50 lbs.If not for a dear friend I wouldnt have had lights ,he paid the bill for a year. As I crammed what little I could fit into my car and walked away from our home I seriously considered driving to a bridge and jumping off. I was 34 when he died,and it took me a decade to get over that and losing our house. it was a small bungalow but it was ours and I loved it .In hindsight maybe it was for the best as I dont think Id ever have gotten over it had I stayed there. Even 28 years I cant think of any of that time too much or it drags me down.

R61- Wow... Sending you such love at this moment. That is heartbreaking and I hope that you are better and that your love is in a wonderful place

R56 No, sadly. I'm doing the best I can and friends are checking in on me by phone and text, etc. But I do feel overwhelmed.

It's all the same. Death, depression, eating, drinking, smoking, drugs. Substance use as a self-destructive coping mechanism. Any sex stories? This is DL, so leave me laughing, gagged, or horny.