We appreciate your patience

Are you experiencing unusual delays OP?

No, you may not.

Lively??

We apologize for the delay.

Maybe he didn't listen to the menu options as they have changed.

OP is no Violet Newstead. Please hold.

My computer is taking a bit of time to load your information. How is your day going so far?

No. My pussy is in urgent need of attention.

Thank you for your infinite patience and understanding during our recent operational meltdown.

We look forward to seeing you on one of our future flights real soon.

And BTW: come and get your raggedy ass luggage that we lost or it will be shit canned.

Please continue to hold for the next available operator.

Your call is important to us.

Your current wait time is one hour and 35 minutes.

We have continuously been experiencing unusually large volumes of callers since 2015, and while we might hire more people, we’d rather inconvenience you. We appreciate your patience and sincerely hope you give up and stop bothering us.

Please leave us your call back number just in case we get caught off.

Did you know you can get many questions answered by going to our website?

[Canon in D minor playing on continuous loop]

[quote]Your call is important to us.

R10 for the win!

I will try to speak in English for you.

Yes, you may put me on hold while you get a FUCKING AMERICAN whom I can actually understand.

[quote] Did you know you can get many questions answered by going to our website?

Visit us at double u double u double u…dot…

We find that simply unplugging your modem and/or set top box resolves most issues.

Please hold - and a customer service agent will be with you shortly.

Do you have 3 minutes to take a brief survey?

Dial tone- sound of exhausted Csr hanging up after you waited 2 hours to speak to someone

Would you like to speak to our automated assistant?

Please continue to hold during the silence.

Please listen carefully as the menu options have changed.

Press this.

R9 I'll be there shortly.

R26, NO, the menu options MAY have changed (covering asses for lies)...

R26 I covered this at r5...

Are you still there? Please make a selection.

Invalid entry. Please make a selection. Invalid entry. Please make a selection.

Goodbye.

I’m sorry, but I do not understand that reply.

Please press 1 or say "Yes". Press 2 or say "No". For a representative press 9 or say "Representative".

Para Espanol, oprime 2.

Please answer yes or no.

“Yes.”

Please answer yes or no.

“Yes!”

Please answer yes or no.

“YES!!!”

Goodbye.

[click]

[quote] Yes, you may put me on hold while you get a FUCKING AMERICAN whom I can actually understand.

Greetings, sir. Thank you for reaching my most esteemed Call Center in Bangalore, I mean, Bangor, Maine. My name is "Paul", and how may I most kindly service you today?

I'm the Brit, and the system does not bloody well understand me.

Please stay on the line at the end of the call to answer a brief survey about your experience with us today.

I'm sorry! That was an invalid option please try again. We did not receive your entry! Please try again! I'm sorry you are having trouble! Please call back again later. Goodbye!

The estimated wait time for the next available agent is: 7 millennia.

R38 = R22

To return to the main menu, press the pound key!

We're sorry, all agents are busy at this time. Please try your call again.

"Hello, my name is Cherish, and thank you for being so patient. Before we begin, may I have your name and the number you are calling from in case we ge...[*click*]

[recorded announcement]

"Please stay on the line, your call is very important to us. Your wait time is now [bold]twenty-three minutes[/bold]

R23, or this variation:

Please hold while I transfer your call . . . CLICK!

If you know your party’s extension, please enter it now.

(What party? I’m calling the main customer service line!)

There are companies that have been experiencing "an unusually high volume of calls" for ten years now. Perhaps add employees to their call centers? Oh now, that would make too much sense and take profit from our stockholders. The customer can just wait!

Have you people been spying on me?!

Have a blessed day. Have a very blessed day.

I’m sorry…I [hesitatingly] did not understand your response.

Your call is important to us.

When a Telemarketer asks "How are you?" I say "I was fine until you called." Most hang up or continue their spiel. That's when I hang up.

Tell them to take you off the list R51

After a lengthy explanation of the problem, "sorry - you have the wrong department. Let me transfer you. There will be a brief hold".

Sort of latching on to r53:

You give your name, address, State, zip, telephone number, account number and issue to the system.

These are the first questions the live rep will ask. Again.

Representative. REPRESENTATIVE. REPRESENTATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

If you would like to check your balance, press 1 or say "balance." If you would like to a make a payment, press 2 or say "payment." To return to the main menu, press the pound sign or say "main menu."

After going through several layers of menus ...

"Thank you for your call. Our business hours are Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Please call back during normal business hours. ... Goodbye!"

Sure, sweetie. You can put me on hold. Just don’t squeeze me too tight. I excrete sugar.

After calling on a normal Tuesday at 10:30am:

"Our business hours are Monday through Friday, 8am to 4:30pm. Please call back during that time. Goodbye."

Oprime la tecla de numeración.

I'm sorry you had to hold. How may we direct your call? You want Cheryl in Business Development? Please hold for your transfer.

I'm sorry there was no answer, I'm told Cheryl went to shit and the hogs ate her.

We're sorry, we are unable to locate your party's extension. Please stay on the [*click*]

Someone thought it was funny to have Ginny in billing’s extension ring through to a recording of Chopin’s Funeral March.

Hah. Hah.

I'm sorry, "my system is down".

Every once in a while they give you the option for them to call you back. I get so excited when that happens! It works surprisingly well!

Thank you for your patience. We're doing everything possible to make sure you are not connected with an actual human being.

CSR with heavy Indian accent: “Hello, this is Bob in Mumbai…I mean, Memphis…”.

For service in English, please press one.

Pour le ser­vice en Fran­çais, ap­puyez sur le deux.

We appreciate your patience. While you wait please enjoy this song by Terri Gibbs.

[quote] Representative. REPRESENTATIVE. REPRESENTATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry. I don't understand. If you would like to make a payment, say "payment" or press 1. If you would like to check your balance, say "balance" or press 2. To return to the main menu, say "main menu" or press 3. To hear these options again, say "options" or press 4. To end this call, press the star key or simply hang up.

I see you have pressed 0. We have disable that function. Goodbye.

[click]

For sales, press #1 - A live rep IMMEDIATELY speaks to you.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Tuesday I was on hold for *literally* 3+ hours. My local CVS pharmacy dept. All I wanted was to ask pharm staff how long my Ozempic "on hold; out of stock" situation would last. After one hour I quit being angry, and decided to play the game "How many tasks can I get done before the pharmacy picks up?"

I cleaned the cat litter box. Swept and Swiffered 5 rooms. Washed breakfast dishes. Did meal prep for scratch jambalaya: wash and chop 3 bell peppers (1 green, 1 orange, 1 red), ditto fresh parsley, ditto onions and garlic. Sliced 1 lb andouille. Cleaned Dad's bedroom and bathrooms. Gathered house trash & recycle for next-day pick-up. Sweated my onions and garlic, cooked the andouille, added the peppers, seasonings, fire-roasted tomatoes, and chicken stock. Stirred in 1.5 cups basmati rice. Covered and turned fire to Low; set timer to 20:00. Took trash and recycle outside for next-day pickup. Turned heat off under skillet. Washed more dishes.

Greeted sister, started venting about my three hour hold, how I'm gonna call Mr. Marvin (CVS store mgr) and ask if that is the new normal. KvetchKvetchKvetch..."CVS Pharmacy may I help you?"

Guess I should've started audibly bitching two hours ago, and they'dve jumped right on that line.

Three. Fucking. HOURS. On hold.

[Unbearably loud hold music that inexplicably only plays unbearably loudly] followed by [customer service agent you can barely hear because you tried desperately to lower the volume on the hold music].

While on hold ...

"Did you know that for just $9.99 a month, customers are now eligible for our premium service, which provides additional benefits and enhanced security features? To learn more about our premium service, press 1 now. Or press 2 to continue holding."

Still holding ...

Most account features can now be accessed online 24 hours a day via our website. To learn more about our website options, simply stay on the line. Or press 2 to continue holding.

Still holding ...

"Your call is important to us. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. The estimated wait time is 37 minutes."

20 minutes later ...

"Your call is important to us. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. The estimated wait time is 53 minutes."

[quote]Three. Fucking. HOURS. On hold.

Your post felt like three fucking hours!

One moment please

Did you know that you can also reach us on our app?