Let's be Italian-Americans, Part Due

I’m the huge cock.

Family Guy describes them best......

I’m still the fucking ziti!

I’m all the fucking opera

I'm Connie Profaci, the real estate agent of choice in Staten Island. Lemme make you an offah you can't refuse!

Rigott, OP, it's rigott.

I'm the complete inability to pronounce mozzarella.

I'm POWCELIN FOUNTUHNS

Italian-Americans are what happens when white people grow up in da hood

Ari Melber is Italian?

Italian-Americans, whose families have been here for a century, consider themselves culturally the same as European Italians, no?

No, we don’t

R11, nope.

I'm all the fish for Christmas.

I'm Capodimonte!

I'm the barrelfuls of blonde hair dye sold in New Jersey and Long Island.

I'm Rosemarie, the only girl in Chi Omega at Ole Miss whose last name ends in a vowel. Several of my sisters have tried to witness to me because "Catholics worship idols."

Can't you be a ood Catholic for fifteen fuckin' minutes??

Ood Catholic?

I'm the nana. I haven't smiled since the Nixon administration.

I'm the two kitchens - the downstairs "working" kitchen and the upstairs "for company" kitchen.

I'm the F-word that is used after every other word in a sentence.

Fagool, R22?

R5, Hey Connie, you may be IN Tottenville or Randall Manor, which are ON Staten Island

[quote] Let's be Italian-Americans, Part Due

Oh, dear.

A friend born in Puglia, is a professor of Italian at a New York university. Students come in saying they speak Italian, who think Pasta Fazool and Galamah are foods. They have to unlearn language from Southern Italy and Sicily they heard at home.

I'm the Godfather III.

I'm the THIRD kitchen, outside, but under some kind of roof.

I'm the 50 - 70 year old Fiat spider in flawless condition.

I'm the vintage Pinarello racing bike, also in flawless condition, that the almost 70yo deeply tanned nonno takes out for a spin a few times every year. He wears a full biker stretch singlet and his big junk impresses under his modest belly.

I'm the chic and cheerful 60s or 70s terrazzo floors in the entry hall, kitchen and rec room.

I'm the Fernet Branca.

I'm the brother taking my other bro's grindr shots. No homo. What? We're family. stop making it weird.

I do use pazzo to mean crazy, nuts. Of course l pronounce it PATZ.

[quote]I'm the 50 - 70 year old Fiat spider in flawless condition.

I had one that would be 52 years old today. It was such a pezzo di merda, I can't imagine even one of them still exists today.

I'm all the full - very full - heads of hair on the older men.

Have a friend from New Jersey. His original family name was Guido, but they changed it to Guide.

I'm a meatball

R14, No. Christmas Eve.

R21, No. WTH with the "two kitchens"?? I have never known anyone, ever, to have "an upstairs" and a "downstairs" kitchen.

R23, No. That's "fungool." [See: Linked explanation.]

R25, Why the "Oh, dear"? "Due" is Italian for "two."

R26, They are foods. Pasta Fazool is Pasta e Fagioli: Pasta and Beans. Using your spelling, which should be with a "c" and not a "g," Galamah is clearly Calamari, aka Squid.

I’m the draw filled with tight speedo style underwear in red and black.

Financially sound working-class and middle-class Italian Americans in suburbs had two kitchens and those of my youth often had three. Tri-State suburbs.

I'm the living room set in gold colored brocade fabric sealed under clear plastic.

I'm the husband's much younger mistress and I'm always either black or lily white.

This is pretty accurate.

I’m the kid whose dad disappears each night to the card room. Nobody works there is plenty of money. I’m gonna run a limo service when I graduate.

[quote]No. WTH with the "two kitchens"?? I have never known anyone, ever, to have "an upstairs" and a "downstairs" kitchen.

We had a stove in the cellar. My mother (and my sister and I had to help) canned the tomatoes down there. No refrigerator though. My sister's in-laws had two kitchens. A lot of Italians in CT had two kitchens.

As for pronunciation, a lot of Italians migrated to the US in the late 1800s to early 1900s. Their languages were Neapolitan and Sicilian. Italy wasn't unified as a country until 1860 and language standardization came later. The immigrants spoke their language, which were just as valid as the Florentine dialect that was chosen as "Italian." Yes, it was the language of Dante, but not the rest of the new country. Neapolitan and Sicilian were relegated to "dialects," though they were languages in their own right. Now, there is a movement to have them recognized, much as Catalan is recognized in Spain.

TBH, the Italian-American's version of their "language" has changed over time as many are now third- and fourth-generation. But very few speak it. They know words relating to food, household items, curses, and some phrases. I learned some Neapolitan (actually a dialect of it) from my mother. It's not that she was uneducated, but "Italian" was taught in schools and used for business, but their "dialects" were spoken in the home. My family in Italy still speak Neapolitan in their homes. I leaned "Italian" in college. The "muzzadell'" pronunciation of "mozzarella" is probably more correct as the cheese was originally from the Naples area.

Well, then, r46, your Napolitano Connecticut relatives were a lot better off and in a much larger enclave than my Siciliano North Jersey ones.

Two kitchens?! Marone a mi!

Italian as a high school subject?! Fuhgeddaboutit!

I'm the pristine Cadillac parked in the driveway of the home that a strong gust of wind could blow over.

I'm the black Catholiv paintjob on the car mentioned at R48

I'm spaghetti and meatballs.

[quote] my sister's in-laws had two kitchens.

Oh, dear!

I’m the generosity and the impossibility that anyone will ever experience hunger in our presence.

[quote]I’m all the fucking opera

I'm crying at all the fucking opera.

I’m a curse on your family!

You’re the 3rd generation & cook like a gavone.

Do Italy Italians saw Aw Fahngool, too?

Saw.

r39, how old are you? When I was growing up in the NYC area in the 1970s, it was very common for Italian Americans to have a separate kitchen in the basement. This was before A/C was widely available and even if it was 100 degrees F in July, Nonna had to make the gravy on Sunday. It was cooler to cook, eat and hang out in the basement.

I am the stale Cannoli, which, for unexplainable reasons, are considered a delicacy. Italian-American pastry is a parody of the real thing, just like Staten Island construction is a parody of classical architecture.

I had a paper route on Staten Island in the 70s and thus was inside 90 almost identical late 60s lower middle class houses. They were mostly what was then called a “high ranch” - a two story house with a stoop, built on a slab, not an underground basement (the houses with actual basements in that a neighborhood were prone to flood). The upper floor had a L shaped living room & dining room, kitchen and three bedrooms. The ground floor had a garage, utility room, a den that opened on to the back yard - and in most of the houses owned by Italian but not Irish families, a second kitchen off the side door.

At first this confused me - the kitchen was virtually identical to the one upstairs and neither would be considered large. We are also Italian and lived in an essentially the same house one neighborhood over, but only had the upstairs kitchen. I asked my mother about it and she said the “summer kitchen” was a Brooklyn Italian thing (most of the neighborhood had moved to SI from Brooklyn.).

I would say, in the 5 years I was in and out of those houses, that the family tended to use one or the other kitchen year-round. Most moms with first floor kitchens would have me ring the side door to collect, not the front, since they were usually downstairs. Those houses also tended to have very “elaborately” decorated living rooms that were more for show than living — so it made some sense that the cooking was done away from the “nice” part of the house and near the den where the family actually hung out.

[quote]Have a friend from New Jersey. His original family name was Guido, but they changed it to Guide.

Yeah, I have...um, a friend...who had a similar situation.

P.S,. Did "your friend" have a low forehead?

I grew up near Philly/South Jersey and knew many Italian-American families who had two kitchens. The basement one was used more often.

[quote]Yeah, I have...um, a friend...who had a similar situation.

Why didn't she just change it to "Theresa WHORE"?

My friend Maria is always nervous when her daughter Teresa comes for a visit. Of course, her daughter is a hitman for the Mob. The rumor is she dated Frank Sinatra. You know the song "The Lady is a Tramp"? It used to be "Teresa is a Tramp." Well, they had to change it for legal reasons.

R58, r39 here (I'm 73). To you, r60, and r62, I can't argue your experiences!

Just know that those of us with Italian-American relatives in APARTMENTS have never heard of or seen these double kitchens, for lack of basements!

However, those same family members, while living in PA's Coal Regions before the mines closed and all migrated East (my Irish-American side went straight South to the Lehigh Valley/Bethlehem Steel) to the Bayonne Naval Yards and General Dynamics, lived in single homes WITH basements and still never had a second kitchen!

Who could afford such a thing?!

Apparently some modern Interior Designer has gotten wind of this concept and turned it into a trend:

R66 here. The proverbial light bulb just went on, to wit:

I think a reason my maternal relatives didn't adopt the total "Italian-American Immigrant Life Complete With Two Kitchens" is not only that most physically couldn't, but was also that almost every one of them married into a different ethnic group!

My Sicilian grandfather married my Slovak grandmother. Of their six children, two of my uncles married Russian Orthodox; a third married Irish; another married some unknown heritage; my mother married Irish-English-Welsh; and her sister married some non-Italian hick from Alabama. My Godfather, whose Russian wife was #2, first married a fellow Sicilian, my Aunt Grace who taught my Grandmother, mother, and aunt how to make Italian dishes! It was decades before I learned that my Grandmother wasn't Italian!

I’m the women who always end up FAT.

Re: two kitchens. I grew up in blue-collar neighborhoods in CT. The houses had two 2-bedroom apartments, first and second floor, and a 1-bed on the third floor. If the immigrant (Portuguese or Italian) family owned the house, they lived in the first floor and commandeered the basement and put in a “utility” kitchen. That’s where they did the slaughtering of the rabbits (Portuguese) and canned the tomatoes/gravy (Italian) and deep-fried (both) and cooked the fish (both). Anything that would be smelly or spatter-y would be done downstairs. The Portuguese also made wine in their basement kitchens.

It was an absolute marvel to us because our mother never fried anything.

They also made food for their dogs, which, in retrospect, was pretty nice. They ground up meat and rice and vegetables.

I’m the Uncle Tom-ism. I’m going to be an ignorant nativist bigot to show I’m a “real American.”

Of course the white Protestant nativists will never see me as truly American. I am in deep denial about that.

If I’m also gay, my Uncle Tom-ism is even more desperate, and even more pathetic.

I’M LOUD!!!!!!

I might be connected.

R8, this skit was so spot on. My grandparents were Italian immigrants, and I grew up in a predominantly Italian-American neighborhood.

Even the most unassuming mid-century brick ranch house from the outside, once you walk in it's all Capodimonte porcelain sculptures and fountains, lol.

[quote] It was decades before I learned that my Grandmother wasn't Italian!

She was Italian via injection.

I'm the trips to Costco and/or Restaurant Depot, to buy all kinds of cooking and serving trays in bulk.

I'm the Olive Garden they hold the family reunions at because it reminds them of the old country. (the closest they got to Italy in recent generations was the it's a small world ride.)

R76 Most Italian families would SHUN Olive Garden.....they'd go to the local Italian restaurant, the one where all the funeral receptions are held.

Agree, r76. The place that only takes cash, and seems to only be open/crowded for funerals and christenings. Or they hold it at the local Italian American club. Italian Americans don't have typical family reunions because no one moves more than an hour away and there's a big birthday, anniversary, christening, confirmation, funeral several times a year.

I the sausage & peps stand at the feast of San Gennaro. I’m hot or sweet.

^I am

I’m all the Jewish actors who played Italian on TV, because in Hollywood, esp in the 70s/80s/90s, we were interchangeable.

I'm the 24 dozen pizzelle cookies Mamma DiMarco makes every year at Christmas and Easter. Vanilla, Lemon, & Anise, pick your fave !

I'm the cookie table at the wedding!

The funniest Italian joke on Sienfeld is how everything about the Costanzas is obviously Jewish, except the name.

I'm all the Hispanic roles played by Italian-Americans since the beginning of Hollywood because we're dark haired and tan but technically still white.

I’m all the Italians actors who played American Indians on TV, because in Hollywood, esp. in the 50s/60s/70s, we were interchangeable.

I'm the "cold pas" leftovers served for days after the big family event...when Ma is too tired to cook

[quote] I'm the "cold pas" leftovers

I'm the microwave reheated pasta that Lady Gaga served to Bradley Cooper when they were discussing A Star is Born. I facilitate their bonding by being a reflection of their shared Italian heritage.

eww r88

My Italian grandmother had a second kitchen in her basement in NJ. I never really thought it was special until reading this thread!

I'm calling things gravy instead of sauce.

I'm the plastic all over the furniture at grandma's house.

I’m Dorothy Zbornak. I live in Miami and share a house with three other women, a slut, a moron, and my mother. At 6ft without shoes I am a good 12 inches taller than most Eyetalians.

R84 there were plenty of Italian Jews pre WWII. Although it would have been more likely the name was Kostansa or even longer and it was shortened.

R68, there ain't nothin' scarier than a fat, yelling Italian woman!

There is no K in the Italian alphabet, r94. "Costanza" would most likely have been spelled "Costanza."

l'alfabeto italiano

I'm your cousin Rose, Roseann or RoseMarie.

Jewish surnames wouldn't necessarily follow the Italian alphabet.

Another likely explanation that Frank Costanza was born to a Jewish mother and Italian father. There was nothing particularly "Italian" about Estelle Costanza so she could have been Jewish.

I always assumed Estelle was Jewish.

[quote] I’m the draw filled with tight speedo style underwear in red and black.

Oh, dear.

[quote] The funniest Italian joke on Sienfeld is how everything about the Costanzas is obviously Jewish, except the name.

The Costanzas were an Italian family. Italians and Jews have A LOT in common. Ashkenazis are originally linked to the Mediterranean area, which is why people mix up the two. Both are family centered and food centered, although Italians have the better dishes and acclaim and the more colorful history thanks to the Roman Empire and Renaissance. Both are neurotic messes, too.

This was one of the most brilliant parodies of an Italian-American family I’ve ever seen!

R88, Married to Anthony, Tony, or Sal.

I'm Connie Corleone, but I would never have let Carlo beat my ass.

Haha! Just watched r103, and of course the son is named Tony!

I'm the Virgin Mary statue in the yard.

I'm the penny-ante after-dinner poker game in the basement at Uncle Louie's. Eventually I'll be a nickel-dime game.

I'm the Palm Sunday palms in the shape of The Cross on the wall.

I’m the big fat dicks and clean assholes.

I'm the box of pinky rings, there's one for every occasion.

Pinky rings? That’s from another century.

I'm Chef Boyardee...don't shoot me

I'm a loud gesticulating argument

I'm momma flipping a table

R113, You may well be, but you would never get an invite!

Joy Behar asked comedian Mike Berbiglia why doesn't pronounce his name correctly (Ber-BEEL-ya), he said "My parents are Olive Garden Italians." Joy was born Josephine Occhiuto. Behar is first husband's name.

There was so much resentment against Brooklyn Italian-Americans moving to Staten Island when the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge was built in1964, Islanders referred to it as "The Guinea Gangplank." Thousands moved from Bensonhurst, Bay Ridge and Dyker Heights.

I'm Gino's sweaty wifebeater

I'm the gallons of homemade "dago red" wine and beer in the basement

R118...parts of Dyker Heights and Bay Ridge are infinitely preferable to Staten Island as a whole!

Where the Reagans live on Blue Bloods (Bay Ridge, Harbor View Terrace @82nd Street) looks like a nice neighborhood. No Italians, but they have a nice Sunday dinner.

People who speak correct Italian know that Capeesh is Capito.

My father’s mother was Italian. So, that makes me like 1/4 Italian? I’ve never identified with anything Italian though.

"Capito" is correct for "I understand," r123. But "capeesh" is usually uttered as a question, so the correct Italian is "capisci?" (second person singular) or "capite?" (second person plural).

[quote] People who speak correct Italian

Open a history book. Research the Italian languages and the changes that happened during WWII.

[quote] My father’s mother was Italian. So, that makes me like 1/4 Italian? I’ve never identified with anything Italian though.

Except your fat dick.

R122, 8070 Harbor View Terrace is home of the Bishop of the Diocese of St. Marion. Their church is our Lady of Lebanon at Henry and Remsen Streets.

Italian-Americans are the ghetto whites, right?

You're think of Slavs, R129.

Yes, R129. The only whites louder than blacks and not scared of them

I’m rock hard dicks and bubble butts. These fucks fuck so good. Tops and bottoms. They were built for sex.

Don't mess with them.

R131, see R115.

R133: otherwise:

I'm fettucine alfredo

I'm momma serving you a plate of bolognese

I'm the total overkill usage of "marinara" when I really mean TOMATO SAUCE.

Yo!

R124, It's how you're brought up. Like, if you went every holiday to your Grandmom's on your father's side, you'd be baccala-ing wit' the rest of us, capisce? Mangia!

But see, you probably went to your Grandmother's on your mother's side, because daughters go to their mothers on holidays as long as both are alive, so no Italian for you then, fuhgeddaboutit.

I'm columns.

I'm the shot of whiskey they would give me as a kid at the dinner table to shut me up

Hey!

[quote] Married to Anthony

Ant-nee!

I’m hot and I know it.

I'm Dina Lohan.

I pooped her out! Will she be worth anything?

I am Janice Soprano.

Don't mess with me, darling.

R135 lol

I'm Janet Rossi, the WHORE in 2R!

Did you guys see Janice as an abortion-facilitating nun in CALL JANE?

I'm Grandma's tears shed at the thought of the happy memories we shared when you were little and we were all together as a family.....I wish we could go back........When are you moving home?

I'm fettuccine alfredo.

I'm Morries wigs and I won't come off...even under water!

I'm all the apple-shaped nanas.

I'm being white adjacent.

I’m the sangwich of his eye.

I'm the record player and the increasingly yellowing and fragile record collection.

I'm those Godforsaken rock-hard biscotti dunked in coffee.

I’m the biscotti dunked in wine or sambuca for a teething baby.

We're Brender and Eddie. We listen to "Goodbye, Saigon" on Memorial Day.

R161, You sure you don't mean Annemarie and Antnee?

No, r162. We do not mean Annemarie and Antnee.

Skip ahead to 2:54 if you're impatient.