If a child grows up to be an loser, do parents regret having them?

Yes!

No!

Yes!

Um….no offence, but your mother sounds like a bitch, and, perhaps not surprisingly, you have low self esteem. Work on that and forget what other people think. Also, attractiveness is not dependent on physical looks; I know many people with aesthetic ‘flaws’ who are extremely attractive due to their confidence and charisma. Get a therapist if you can afford it and work on improving your self image.

You don't sound like a loser OP. Just a person living their life.

And who gives a shit what your Mom thinks?

Ask your grandma.

OP, you need a therapist. Badly.

Yes, I think parents can be disappointed in how their kids turn out, but it’s their a good bit of their own doing in the way they raised them.

If you choose to worry about what your parents think about you at your age, that’s on you.

Family funerals are a bit like alcohol, they reveal some negativity at times. I’m sorry to hear that your mother is acting like that. She doesn’t seem to see you as an individual but as an extension of herself. The way you describe the situation gives me that impression. You are a good person and being worried about her feelings shows that. It’s tough when family members have low self awareness and cause pain to others as a result.

In my opinion, if someone is ashamed of their child, or allows that belief to continue within their child, they are the ones engaging in poor parenting and are treating their children unfairly. Even if the child is an adult and parenting isn’t necessary anymore they should treat their child with respect. Here is a good book on the subject.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

Who are these people who feel the need to post their autobiographies on the web?

All for the equivalent of a mercy fuck, if the fuck part was replaced with an insincere "Thoughts and Prayers."

It doesn't even matter if it's done for the sake of trolling.

So here's my thought:

If your parents regret having you? What are they gonna do? Shove you back up your mom's vajayjay? Do you still fit? Are they really strong? What is the actual fear there?

It's over, honey. It's over. Walk away from it.

And here's my prayer:

World peace and love.

I might as well go for the gold if I'm pretending.

Yeah but fuck her. She sounds toxic. She chose to have kids and brought you up as well. Now she wants you to feel shit about yourself. I say hell no, you sound like a better person than her but please stop letting her toxicity get to you.

I don't think your mom is the problem (believe me - mine is a massive bitch and her opinion of me is seriously awful). I think the problem is that you aren't happy. In your post you talked about hating your job, your apartment, your looks... I say change your life but do it for you. If your mom is evil, nothing will change that. But at least you can be happy.

Your mum is a cunt.

Be kinder to yourself. You deserve it.

Kick you mom in her toxic vagine and get on with YOUR life. Why would a middle aged man care what his mother, or father, thinks?!

I can understand how you mother's negativity has been passed on to you. Or you because depressed due to her constant carping. If that's the case, no longer engage with her. You are not her hobby!

My father has always been jealous of me and my siblings. We all work in fields he always wanted to work in, yet wasn't motivated to improve his life, instead he stayed in dead-end job his entire working life, while mocking all three of his children and our success. Talk about toxic. He's always been miserable, now retired, he's even worse.

While not rich, my siblings and I have comfortable lives. Success to me is having and enjoying a career in a field that I always wanted to work in.

My siblings and I have the type of life our father could only dream of. He was talented and could have succeeded in a creative field but refused to help himself. He had many opportunities to do so, yet did nothing. He's also jealous that his children are personable, outgoing, well-liked and have friends.

Don't live for your parents, live for yourself. You are the only person who has to be satisfied with your life, not you mother.

btw, my siblings and I put ourselves through college and we all worked while doing so. I never wanted our miserable father to throw anything up to me and neither did my siblings.

OP your mother is the Loser...what a snake ! She must be mentally sick. IGNORE HER and just realize that she is sick.

Your mother has whittled away at your self esteem for years, it seems, OP. Remove yourself from her toxicity, and learn to love yourself. You don't sound like an ugly loser, just a slightly lost and unhappy soul. If you can afford therapy, go. Spend time doing things you love. Reach out to friends. When you're stronger, you can repair your relationship with your mother, or you can tell her how she makes you feel. She's projecting her insecurities onto you - that's her problem, so don't take her issues on board.

You've really gotta nip those sorts of kids in the bud, and remove them before they have the opportunity to embarass and disappoint.

Your mom is insecure. Ignore her the best you can, stay away and get someone to talk to about it, for your sake, op.

You're not a loser. Your mother does have issues though. And you need to work on your self esteem.

Khloe, why are you posting to Datalounge?

OP you’re not alone.

That’s how I feel too—the 30 year old failure-to-launch avoidant-anxious friendless and dateless virgin lesbian who can’t even legally drive, and with no house or career or family. In the eyes of conventional society, I look like a mess who has nothing.

Sometimes I wake up, and realise half my natural life could be over already, and I’ve done nothing of note, and connected with no one in this world (besides my pet lab). My funeral would be attended by only a few people (mom, sister, maybe a cousin) that would truly give a fuck, and even those people don’t truly know me.

My parents come from difficult backgrounds and aren’t the best, but they did what they could raising me and my sibs with their limited time and money (well, my dad could have been less emotionally checked out and my mom less of a doormat, but).

Early on I became the success in the family but my parents continued to dote on my loser older brother. He was a star baseball player in high school and that created a permanent seal of approval that he was special.

As an adult he’s a failure. He has a lousy job. He has low self esteem. He has no friends. He’s unkind and demanding. But to this day he holds a special place in my mother’s heart because he was supposed to be a big success. That it didn’t happen is a small detail she is able to overlook.

My point is that family dynamics are complex and sometimes a mystery. If they are unloving and unsupportive don’t seek their approval or affection. Find that elsewhere. Be exactly the son that reflects your mother’s feelings for you. That might just cause her to reassess her feelings about you.

That’ll be $175. See you next Thursday at 2pm.

Not if the parents had the child for the right reasons.

If the parents had the child for the wrong reasons, such as ego gratification, a retirement ATM, then yes, they do.

OP, adding my voice to the chorus: your mom has deeply damaged you. Have you murdered or raped anyone in your life? Are you a racist? Do you abuse children, the elderly, the disabled, and/or animals? No? Then you’re not a loser but you have terrible self-esteem, thanks to Mama. Tell her to stuff it the next time she interferes in your life. Seriously, maybe find a hobby or a volunteer opportunity where you can contribute something meaningful and maybe find a passion at the same time? And please find a good therapist who will help you build yourself back up.

Is OP pre-Hogwarts Harry Potter?

No. If your child struggles with things and self image, you usually feel an even deeper love and compassion. If not, they're narcissistic parents and their warped personality structure should have no say in how you view yourself. Easier said than done, ofc. And you're not a loser. You sound lovely.

She sounds like an evil bitch who shouldn't have had any kids.And she wants you to have a kid too so she can act like a bitch to your spawn as well and make him/her feel miserable.Stay away from her if you can.

Sometimes it's the parent who is the loser, but the kid gets the blame.

Case in point.

OP, you are receiving wisdom of the Sages here.

Your mother is broken. You are broken. I am broken.

All you can fix is you. You are awake enough to see the patterns of her behavior over the years — and now it’s time for you to wake up to how that impacted your life, your choices, your self-worth. It is painful work. We train ourselves to not feel it, it’s how we survive our childhoods. And that is NOT to blame or attack her. I guarantee you that your mother went through her own traumas too that are enormously difficult to overcome.

You are worth much more than you can see right now and have gifts that really are meant to be shared with others. It’s how we are built, we are made to share our lives with other people, though that part has an infinite array of expressions that are unbelievably different. But you are part of that, so start getting to understand who you REALLY are, what your values are, and how to bring your life into alignment with that so you feel fulfilled. That’s what this is all about!

I don’t think you sound like a loser, I think you sound like someone whose parents did not properly nurture you. I know it’s hard, because we always have that instinctive love for our mothers, even when our mothers mistreat us. But you have to find a way separate your feelings of self worth from your relationship with her. I guarantee that if she sees you behaving more confidently, her attitude towards you will change.

OP, that bitch of a mother of yours makes me seem like Best Mother of the Year.

OP, as others have said, the problem isn't you, it's your mother. I second the suggestion to see a therapist, not to fix you but to make you feel better about yourself and undo all the toxic conditioning you received from your mother.

What can happen to a young daughter at Christmas can happen to an elderly mother at Christmas.

[quote]If a child grows up to be an loser

Oh, dear GOD!!

Ask Nancy Spungen’s Mom.

Don't give your mother that power to make you feel like a loser. Limit exposure as much as you can and enjoy your life.

By the time you're 40, you OWN YOUR LIFE.

You may be damaged, you may be a screw-up, you may be a total loser. BUT, it's yours. Don't blame anyone for your past or current condition at age 40 (or older). GET HELP and STFU about your mother.

Troll. This turd writes the same crap over and over again.

You might wish your kids had taken other decisions but it’s their lives and the love should be unconditional. My greatest wish was for my daughter to be happy, whatever choices she made. She’s doing ok. Hold your head up OP.

Yes OP. Listen to the kween at R40 and her fake daughter. She is an inspiration to all mankind and girls everywhere.

Every morning, right as you wake up and before you get out of bed, say to yourself 50 times, "I am beautiful".

Just try this for a week.

Parents are just happy that your ass is out of the house!

R42 Louise Hay, gurl is that you?

An ex-BF (who is a fine and decent person) grew up with two parents who were high-powered professionals and who made a lot of money.

Several times throughout his late adolescence and adulthood, they told him:

"You are a bad return on our investment."

My parents had quite little by comparison, and made serious errors in raising us, but that line stops me dead in my tracks.

Hey OP. I'm told every day that I'm handsome. (Rarely hot or sexy). And I know many female and male models. And I truly believe how we feel about our looks has less to do with how good looking we are and more to do with how our parents made us feel. On my wedding day my mother gave me a negative comment on my appearance...who dies that? I've seen guys without a hair on their head and resembling quasi modo and parents as proud as punch..and I've seen models who won't be seen without makeup. So parents are to blame if they didn't build u up. Some parents over do it and that's when kids turn up on talent shows believing they have talent. As I said, I'm considered handsome, but my mother wud knock me down at every turn. "That beard makes u look old" .. she even once asked my anorexic sister had she put on weight. My sister and I are the most insecure people cos we never reached her standards. Plus, u may not like ur face..but others do. X

R45 the Oblique Strategy card I drew this morning said, 'Honor thy error as a hidden intention'. I rather like that as a phrase to live by.

R46 LOL. You and ur sis sound like the biggest fucking losers on the DL. And DL is nothing but losers.

I could have written that post, more or less.

OP, a few years ago I finally gave up and cut contact with my family. I thought I would never have the strength to do that, I don’t make friends easily and this is a hard place to make friends. I literally did not have one single person who cared about me (including them) so when I cut ties, I knew nobody would even find my body until it started to smell. I just woke up one day and I’d had it. I couldn’t take one more day of their shit. Just done.

It took the first year just for me to quit having panic attacks and feel somewhat optimistic that they would quit harassing me. I finally made a friend. I had a health crisis and took care of myself through that, alone. It was really tough but I did it.

One thing I did was immediately throw out everything these people ever gave me that I didn’t like, because they were never going to know. Antiques, hand me downs, things I hated but had to keep because somebody made it or gave it to me. I decluttered my house and discovered about 75% of my personal possessions were handed down to me from somebody and none of it was my taste. I was extremely ruthless and got rid of every single thing in my house that didn’t represent who I was or what I liked. Not having those people around allowed me to figure out who I was, not what other people said I was or was trying to make me into. And realizing what a huge portion of my possessions were chosen for me by someone else, made me realize I didn’t know who the hell I was, except somebody else’s leftovers. It really helped me focus.

My suggestion is to declutter. Go through every single thing in the house. Marie Kondo wrote a book and did a couple of Netflix series about this, she has a method I found very helpful. Get rid of every damn thing in the house that doesn’t represent who you are and what you like. Go through it all and don’t replace anything unless you absolutely have to, until the end. What you find out at the end is who you are. Start from there, it’s amazing how being alone clarifies the mind. I know it’s really hard for somebody like us to make decisions. When people are always telling you you’re worthless, you think your judgment is worthless too. But making these decisions helps you exercise your decision muscles. It gives you confidence.

I want to give you a huge hug because I know you’re in pain. But when somebody keeps setting you on fire, stop seeing them, or you’ll never heal. You need to lower the temperature, your whole soul is constantly on fire when you are constantly exposed to that. You may not be in perfect shape after, but at least no one is constantly tearing you apart and not allowing you space to recover. Even being mediocre and content is so much better than what you’re living through.

Some of the biggest losers I know have money, own businesses & houses, are 'family men'. What makes their success so hollow and fake is that they put no effort or real investment or value into those, and don't really have control or any command over them either. They hire expensive cars on credit, serially cheat on or divorce their spouses and skip out on child support, let their businesses go to seed when they're too hard to run unethically (i.e. they have to stop exploiting their staff). These men wear slick suits and sit on committees, but people degrade and mock them behind their backs and don't respect them. These types of people try to cosplay and borrow their way into 'having it all', and only end up exposing themselves as laughable frauds who have and do and are nothing of true substance.

R49 wants to hug every man's penis with her asshole. You go, girl.

R21 lose some weight

OP, I used to be GORGEOUS. like, traffic stopping beautiful. My father disliked me because I was a size 12 (80s size 12 at that) and kind of alternative rather Than looking like/acting like Molly Ringwald. He criticized everything about my looks and put me down in front of his friends for fun. That was a 'he' problem, not a 'me' problem.

My son is extremely good looking and is a good person but is a rather crappy son and lacks ambition and follow through. I am distant from him but still proud of his accomplishments and love him dearly even if I don't really want to have a relationship with him. If someone were to bad mouth him I would smack them.

Parents can be assholes. Don't take on their shit.

No, we love Chet just as much as we love the other children.

Solely in cases where s/he employs incorrect indefinite articles before nouns in sentences, OP. ;)

Ask almost every poster on the customer service thread’s parents OP.

[quote] If you choose to worry about what your parents think about you at your age, that’s on you.

Easier said than done.

Yes, I do think parents sometimes regret having a child.

OP, I would suggest therapy. Your mom does sounds like a very negative person, a black hole, and you'll never measure up to her standards.

R57 here.

Whether your parents regret having you is beside the point. You're here.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here.

Sure your mother sounds like a cooze, but you are comfortable wallowing in the "I'm a failure" story you've written.

Achieving anything is hard and requires risk taking and stepping out of the narrative you've crafted and play the leading role in. Find some courage and bust out of it. Do something. Anything. It will be scary, but it will change your life.

OP - I don’t have many of your issues, but I did have a dad who wasn’t great with kids in general, and me in particular. We were just different people who valued different things and our life outlooks were 180 degrees apart. At 30 I finally realized it wasn’t me, we were just a bad match - we would never be friends if we hadn’t been related. So I stopped wanting the kind of relationship you are “supposed to have” with your dad, and distances myself from him emotionally and to some extent physically. You need to do the same, and concentrate on living your life in a way that feels right for you and makes you happy. We are all uglier and less successful than millions of other people - stop comparing yourself and stop letting your mother do it as well.

It is my unproven opinion that a lot of parents don't hate or despise their "loser" children.

Because as long as they live, they hold onto the belief that if they just find a way to press the right button, the adult they spawned will magically turn into the child they always wanted, the child they believe the deserve, the child that they love deep in their heart. So while they don't hate their loser kids, they do think of the loser kid's real personality as something to be changed or eliminated, which is why the kids resist so much.

Seriously, look at any parent who clings to a relationship with a child who's a druggie or felon. The whole relationship is based on a futile hope of change.

Any mother with a child like OP’s would want to blow their brains out.

R61 is a total coose. By the time a kid turns 18 they are pretty much set for life. Parents know this and accept this. They don't think some magical spirit is going to give them a good kid.

So many of you sound like you’re on the cusp of adulthood, or stuck between childhood and adulthood. Everyone has a story. You need to grow up and separate from your parents, stop placing so much importance on what they did or do. It will happen as you age. Move on.

[quote]If a child grows up to be an loser, do parents regret having them?

More often than not their parents regretted having them the minute they're born, leading to their growing up to be losers. An awful lot of people have children who shouldn't.

If you have had a healthy upbringing the concept of "loser" shouldn't even be in your vocabulary. Everyone has successes and failures, and your parents should train you for resilience in the face of the latter so you can capitalise on them. If they haven't so trained you, fuck 'em.

OP, your backstory breaks my heart. I assume it's true. Your mother is toxic. Stay away from her and do some therapy to feel better in the world you now live in.

I’m officially annoyed that OP went MIA. All this great wisdom but he flounces off? Boo. But I love all of you.

My mother has the lowest self esteem of any person I know. She pretty much hates herself. She seems to feel like she doesn't deserve to have friends, that she's not good enough. As a child, she was bullied for being "ugly" by adults starting at age 5. By age 13, at least 3 kids had hit her or actually beat her up because they thought she was ugly. She also had undiagnosed learning differences, so she also believes that she's "stupid". Because she's an extreme extrovert, she somehow became popular in her small town high school. But after she finished school, she lost contact with her friends, and she never felt that she was good enough to go find them again. She married the first man she could because she wanted to have kids asap; she thought that would make her feel normal.

So, here I am. I don't know what she thought would happen to me when she passed on her genes. Constant bullying for being an "ugly" girl starting at age 11. I would come home from being the joke of the school to her nagging, "There must be some boy you like at school. X's daughter is your age and she started dating 2 years ago. How come you never go to parties. Don't you have any friends?" One time, she pressured me to bring home friends for a slumber party. I didn't want to do it, but she wouldn't let up, so I invited my three closest acquaintances. I wasn't popular at all, and neither were my acquaintances. In fact, they were very obese. My mother was annoyed to learn that I didn't run with the cool crowd, and she made "fat" jokes about my friends for years and threatened me that I'd end up fat like them. My mother also remarked sadly about how her coworkers joking complained about how much time their daughters spent on the phone, leaving my mom sad that she couldn't relate. My mother was also embarrassed about my lack of dating. She actually said to me when I was 16: "Your 13-year-old cousin is more mature than you...she's dating!". I reminded her, "Well, last week, you told me that she can't even cut her own steak at dinner, and she makes her mother do it for her. But if you think she's more mature than me, then ok."

It felt like after being bullied all day at school, I came home to my mother (indirectly) reminding me that I was a loser. She had wanted to live vicariously through me, but I had zero going on, so she felt like she'd been shortchanged, I guess. Eventually she was glad that I was a loner, because that made her feel more entitled to suck up my time with her needy, codependent rants and ramblings.

I would hate her if I didn't feel so sorry for her. And she probably feels the exact same way about me.

R68, tell her to give you money for plastic surgery so you can be more popluar

R69, I already had the plastic surgery; I paid for it myself.

Your mother sounds AWFUL, R68.

At least you have the wisdom and empathy to understand the sources of her behavior.

Don't be silly, Tiffany. Daddy and I love you very much.

I rue the day Gregory was born. I apologize to you, DL, for unleashing him (and his terrible recipes) upon the world.

Ask Sam Bankman-Fried's and Caroline Ellison's parents.

No parent needs to regret a child growing up to be a loser.