Let's be an episode of Judge Judy

I’m the idiot family member sitting behind the defendant who can’t keep their mouth shut. I don’t stay for long.

I’m the ignorant, deadbeat person of color on welfare who loses their case.

I’m “Da ting is Ya Honah”

I’m a gift.

I’m also “I be axin’ him to pay up fo awhile”

I'm the bank statements that prove my case which the defendant knew they had to produce and yet they didn't bring me.

I’m the printed screenshots of texts used to prove the defendant owed me money.

I'm the beach; is that where you evidenceless litigants thought you were coming today?

I'm the granddaughter, here to tell Judge Judy that she was absolutely right about everything in the follow up interview after the case.

Sir, it seems you’re peeing like racehorse and acting like the courthouse is in a tropical storm. Put your dick away.

I'm the phone that broke a month ago. I coulda proven this whole thing if only I hadn't decided to jump onto the sidewalk and break.

I'm the attitude. There's only one of me, and I belong to Judge Judy!

I’m the receipts.

I'm the surprise witness (the cunt's best friend) who Judge Judy refuses to listen to and tells her to take the gum out her mouth in the courtroom.

I'm Bailiff Byrd's soft chuckle.

I'm the boss, applesauce!

I'm the ever increasing strength of the light shining in Judge Judy's face.

I’m 5’ 9” and have the body of Christie Brinkley.

I'm the stupid woman who got her boyfriend a car, gave him loans, let him live with her rent free, brought him gifts, and now wants all the money and property back.

I'm the stupid man who got his girlfriend a car, gave her loans, let her live with him rent free, bought her gifts, and now wants all the money and property back.

I’m the oral agreement.

Anal was never discussed.

I'm the off leash dog that turned a neighbor's dog into a bloody snack.

I'm the lectures Judy gives the stupid losers. Even though they will never listen to her so it's a waste of her breath, it's the audience who really wants to hear them delivered to poor people.

I’m the nepotistic sinecures awaiting JJ’s grandkids.

I'm what happens when you grind Judy's last gear.

I'm the producer who cuts the checks for both plaintiff and defendant as a part of the show's talent agreement on a half hour show that will gross over half a million dollars for Judge Judy.

If your hearing is worth a damn, give a listen to this trashy courtroom-show spoof they play on the radios inside the cars of Grand Theft Auto. The judge is an illiterate sexual deviant, the contestants are hilarious trash, and the rulings end with some form of gladiator-style violence.

I'm the photos of inflatable living room furniture that was cruelly ruined by an off-lease roommate's unsanctioned cat. My plaintiff never saved the receipts, because who the hell would ever expect to attend binding arbitration over $38 indoor pool toys?

This show lifts the lid on the giant un-flushed toilet that is America.

I'm the scripted Judge Judy outrage.

I’m Umm. I’m not an answer sir.

I am the unusual use of the word "borrowed" to mean both borrowed and loaned!

I'm the white trash in every episode.

I'm that ugly ass new hairdo that was supposed to make me look like Ruth Bader Ginsberg's body double.

I'm the welfare recipient who is treated like subhuman garbage.

I’m the Yiddish words that pepper Judy’s sardonic rants.

I'm the liar who is caught within 5 seconds, but it's too late to start telling the truth now.

I can't believe that my grandma on social security gave me a gift of $5000 to buy a car, and instead gave it to my boyfriend to buy a 1994 truck that stopped running after two weeks, and he can't get his money back, and now she says I have to pay her back but my boyfriend should have to pay her back because he's the one with the car, but it doesn't even work so she should go sue the guy who sold him the car, not me, I cant she's such a bitch!

I'm Judge Judy's outbursts: "You're an IDIOT!" "You're a MORON!" "You are dumb as a box of rocks!"

I'm the white-hot sizzling sexual tension between Judge Judy and Bailiff Byrd.

I'm the spoiled little cunt Princess whose father is a cop, so she thought speed limits don't apply to her.

I'm "you're only half cooked."

“On your BEST day, you're not as smart as *I* am on my WORST day.“

I'm Judy's white, lacy collar.

I'm "because I speak GOOD English".

I’m Byrd’s very slow walk to get the defendant's evidence. Speed it up, Byrd.

"I am Crystal, Amber is my best friend..."

I'm "does it look like you're losing?!" flung at litigants who just can't keep their mouths shut despite the case going in their favour.

“And you couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie,I’m going to reward Mr. Jones on his counterclaim of $500. I don’t want to hear anymore!”

I am the actual rules of evidence.

I'm the dumb clucks who answers a "yes" or "no" question by going off on an tangent. It goes something like this:

JJ: "Did you (fill in the blank)?"

Dumb cluck: "He owes me this money..."

JJ: "DID you (fill in the blank)? Yes or no?"

Dumb cluck: "He said he would pay me back and he lied about..."

JJ: "YES or NO?"

DImb cluck: "He's a bum and he doesn't work..."

JJ (turning purple): "YES OR NO?"

I'm the excessive commercials and recaps coming back from the commercial breaks (like people would forget what happened two minutes ago). My actual cases could be covered in about 5-7 minutes tops.

I’m the black guy with no job who has 17 kids.

“If you don’t have a job, you shouldn’t be making babies”.

I’m the little kid who Judge Judy scares so badly that instead of sticking to the story my parents carefully rehearsed with me 100 times, I blurt out the damning truth of what actually happened, losing them the case

i'm both sides in a case about a pitbull, a missing car or any number of really poor life choices.

We don't care because no matter what the mean old woman says, I'm on t.v. and I'm getting paid anyway.

In the hallway outside the "courtroom," I'm the hoosier girl with two pigtails bobbing her head back and forth repeating, "It just ain't fair!" as the victor/defendant walks backward giving her two peace signs with his kielbasa fingers.

YOU ATE THE STEAK!

I’m the stupid woman who claims her new boyfriend almost didn’t want to date her because of her ex’s text. Judge Judy: Who showed your (new) boyfriend the text? “I did” says the stupid woman.

I’m Pain and Suffering, and only JJ has me in this court.

I'm the thousands of crosswords Byrd did on air instead of , I don't know, WHAT HE'S PAID TO DO.

I’m Scloeesha, who knows more than Judge Judy and walks out when things don’t go her way.

I'm the counterclaim that is dismissed in under ten seconds.

I'm Judge Judy's icy, unwavering glare combined with tight lips - I'm lethal.

If I'm looking at you like that then you're totally fucked.

I’m the verdict

Half the time, I’m not stated, as JJ announces “We are OVER!”, without telling us what she decided.

R42 beat me to it! I, too, am her ubiquitous collar commanding attention!

Why is the fucking collar always crooked?

I'm the plaintiff on the right in the skintight dress, gold dangly earrings and fuschia-colored hair, whining to Judge Judy, " Yes ma'am your honor, we had an understanding from the getgo, the car, the apartment and the kitchenaid mixer were mine as a gift!"

I'm the dueling puffy bottoms settling a domestic dispute.

I'm the pile of documents the defendant wants to give Judge Judy instead of the receipts which are what she really wants. I never get an airing, but the defendant mentions me instead of answering every question.

I’m the pots and pans that never get justice. I didn’t go to law school to decide custody of pots and pans and knives and forks.

I'm the loser who tries to argue the verdict but Judge Judy keeps shouting over me:

"But Your Honor--"

"We're done!"

"But you didn't even let me--!"

"I said we're DONE! Goodbye!"

Some pots are quite expensive.

He doesn’t have your wok!

I'm the listening ears. People have had to put me on numerous times.

I’m the one mouth. God gave my human only one of me. But he gave him two ears, so I’m just supposed to shut up? No fucking way, man!

“She awared me.”

[quote] Some pots are quite expensive.

"I didn't do seven years of post-graduate work to discuss pots and pans. NEXT!!!!!!!!!!"

I'm the irrelevant papers in front of you. Stop shuffling me and pay attention!

I’m the glass of water you’d better not try to drink. It’s a trap!

UM IS NOT AN ANSWUHHHHH

I'm Judy, instructing the dummies to put on their LISTENING EARS!

I'm all that Tupperware.

I'm "I'M SPEAKING!".

I’m the episode where JJ repeats over and over again, “You have away your bird!”

I'm "taking full responsibility." Nobody knows what the hell I mean, least of all the sleazy defendant that just said it.

I'm the use of "borrowed" instead of "lent".

I'm the use of "whenever" in place of "when".

I'm "basically". That word really sets JJ off.

I’m “Which one of the geniuses in your office told him that his $800 didn't buy representation on may 5th?”

I’m the judgement for the plaintiff in the anount of $ 650z we’re done. Goobye.

I’m clean hands. Don’t come into court if I’m dirty.

I'm the counterclaim. I'm almost always complete nonsense. (But it's really funny when I'm the only claim that wins.)

I’m the degradation of the legal profession.

i'm the cunt at the bench

I'm like, ya know just over at my friends just like hangin' out and ya know they were like all drinkin' and shit but I wasn't drinkin' cuz ya know I'm like only seventeen, and I don't know like how my mom's car got all dented and smashed cuz like somebody must have like hit it or something, but it wasn't me, and like that breathalyzer must be like broken or something cuz like I wasn't like drinkin or smokin or any of that shit, and that guy just come outta nowhere and now I like remembered that he like hit me and its his fault and like my mom should be really suing him cuz I'm like her daughter ........

I'm the anxiety and sciatica that keep the defendant from working.

I'm the tights and hoochy mama blouse that the morbidly obese plaintiff thought were appropriate courtroom attire.

I'm the janky wigs and hair extensions in different colors that all the Women of Color decide to buy at the dollar store across from CBS Studios, so we can be worn on 'Judge Judy'.

Well ya, I'll step up if it is my kid but she was like sleeping with at least three other dudes when she was sleeping with me, and besides she told me it wasn't my kid but if it was I'm suing her for full custody cause she's a white and I got five other kids and I'm a good dad with no job, but I love my kids.

I'm the new girlfriend of the deadbeat defendant who's been sued by his ex-girlfriend for failing to repay the loan she gave him. I'll sit next to him and look dumbfounded when Judge Judy tells me I'm an idiot.

I'm Byrd who acts like his job is so so tiring and difficult and is basically as useless as a WWE referee and yet gets paid at last check over 500 thousand a year....

So what if he's a 39 year old deadbeat with no job and three kids, and still lives at home in your basement, I WILL NOT make him pay back that $4500 dollars that you loaned him. He is your son, Madam, and that's what good parents do for their children. I don't care if you are disabled and live on a fixed income, HE'S NOT PAYING YOU BACK !

I'm the baby formula and baby diapers infrequently dropped off at the baby mama's house because that's the way the defendant takes care of his sixteen kids with sixteen baby mamas.

I'm the cup of coffee...WITH KAHLUA!

R17 two strips of incandescent lights aim at her face under shelf of The Bench.

I'm the expired insurance on the 2004 Sentra that got wrecked when Leon "borrowed" the car from his baby mama.

I'm the one who Judy corrects for saying "tooken," while telling us "I feel badly for you."

R97 How much is the new Bailiff, Kevin Rasco, paid now that they're on IMDB FreeVee? Did she switch to online to avoid using SAG/AFTRA members? "The People's Court" moved to Stamford, Connecticut because of union salaries.

I'm the 300-pound woman who gets food stamps and runs a day care center.

I believe in freedom of expression, so I'm going to dress outlandishly for my appearance in court. I'm also fucking clueless to the reality that Judge Judy will likely rule against me, in part because of how I'm dressed.

I'm the pitcher of water and Dixie cup on the plaintiff's table which anyone hardly uses, lest they get humiliated by Judge Judy for drinking from me.

I’m the expired car insurance - but I was on my way to renew the insurance when the accident happened.

I'm the prom dress that someone's parent is suing their child over.

I'm the mom suing the party planner because I didn't like the colored toilet paper decorations she put up at Chuck E. Cheese for my 8-year-old daughter's birfday.

I'm the picture of a cell phone.

I'm the girl who seen her friend's car get keyed by the baby daddy.

I'm the unleashed dog that attacked little Pepper, who racked up $3200 in vet bills.

I'm the transgendered zoomer litigant who wants my 15 minutes of fame on television. I have a neckbeard, lipstick, eyeshadow and a mumu on and carry my deceased grandmother's purse into the court - hoping to get some reaction from Judy, but get nothing.

I am the letter that Judy keeps on her desk about pitt bull attacks. Judy will read me aloud in rage.

I'm Judy's fly swatter.

A BA BA BA ENOUGH I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD

I'm the January, February and March canceled checks for rent payment handed over by the defendant, even though Judge Judy asked for June, July and August.

I'm the "basically" that Judge doesn't want to hear come out of the plaintiff's mouth one more time.

I'm the defendant's defense argument which Judge Judy dismisses as 'a lot of 'Who Shot John?' '

I'm JJ telling the plaintiff or defendant she's "getting older by the minute."

I’m the sushi that she anxiously wants to devour. Pointing at her watch - hurry up. It’s sushi day.

Better, stop while you’re ahead, otherwise you’re not as intelligent as you look ma’am!

I'm the plaintiff or defendant who smokes weed and immediately Judge Judy has me on par with a serial killer.

I've not seen any the new episodes on FreeVee.

I didn't know that Judge Judy had traded in her Tough Old Byrd for a Tender Prime Rib.

Just remember JJ . . . . . [italic] If You Eat The Steak . . . . .

🙈 Is it true that she is completely naked underneath her robe ?

I'm the parent suing their adult offspring for (insert reason here).

I'm utterly clueless that my shitty parenting may have something to do with why we're in court.

Don’t you GET it?!

I'm the letter judge judy [some "emmy-winning" CBS producer] sent me for a small-claim dispute to which i was a party.

judy's letter misspelled my name.

and judy's letter stated the wrong county the case was filed in....

I'm the calcualtor Judge Judy pulls out because she can't do simple arithmetic. Like mutiplying a plaintiff's share of half the rent of $2,000 for the three months they owe (the calculator tells her it's $3,000).

I'm the BIG butts on the claimants in the first case who get a reverse camera shot at the beginning of the show.....

I’m the New York State flag on the set in California.

I'm the animated lens flare during the opening credits when the Judy statue of Lady Justice winks at the audience.

I’m the baby daddy of 16 kids and I don’t have a job. If you don’t have a job, you shouldn’t be making babies exclaims Judge Judy.

I'm the police report that the plaintiff gives to Judge Judy and Judy believes every word on it because (as she says) 'Police don't lie'.

George Floyd begs to differ with her on that fact.

I'm Judy's scabrous vulval edges scraping audibly against each other like a sawscale viper every time she shifts on her hemorrhoid pillow.

People have assumed for years it's her bracelets.

I'm the vet bills for my mauled dog.

I'm the pitcher of water and Dixie cups on each litigants' table. Don't you dare even think of touching us - Judy will embarrass you in front of 10 million viewers.

I'm the hot litigant who Data Loungers look up on social media to find out if he's gay.

I’m the 47 year old woman who bailed her 32 year old boyfriend of six months out of jail, because he promised to pay her back. He then claimed she offered to post his bail because she loved and missed him He then claimed she said he didn’t have to pay her back.

I’m the smell of large gallons of volume-purchased henna.

I'm human trash, episode after episode, decade after decade.

I'm human trash, episode after episode, decade after decade.

I’m Byrd on unemployment.

I don’t read statements.

I’m the sushi anxiously awaiting to be devoured by Judge Judy. Hurry up! It’s sushi day.

I’m the “loaned” car.

It wasn’t a loan. It was a gift.

I'm the cost of the prom dress that caused someone's mother to sue her kid.

I’m the clueless parent who humiliates themselves on national television by defending my teenage child when any idiot can see that the child is lying and guilty as hell but still believe that my little snowflake child would never lie to Mommy and Daddy

“Ub ub ub nothing!”

I'm the car payments that weren't made.

I'm the beach that many of the defendants thought they were going to instead of bringing evidence.

I'm the cell phone with the text messages you need for your case that just happened to get broken recently and all the texts are gone.

I’m the pile of junk left at the curb that got wet and was ruined when the landlord “illegally” evicted my owner.

LaVeetra now wants $10k for crap she bought at Walmart but claims it was her Grammy Vavolines priceless antiques…she has no receipts

I’m the good memory that you don’t need if you tell the truth.

Bird, would you look up the value of a 1996 Ford Taurus?

I'm the burgundy robe Judy wears on her new show.

I'm hideous and pointless, and leave daytime viewers wondering when Judy Sheindlin graduated from Florida State University.