Do you try to reconcile with a homophobic parent or do you move on with your life?

You can neither reconcile or overcome, you just have to learn not to care at all either way.

How old are you OP?

So I have to numb myself R1? Thanksgiving is next month but I can't bear another awkward holiday. I feel so alone in the world.

I recently turned 35 R2. I have my own place, steady income but I'm single.

Kicked out at 16, left for SF, never looked back. But this was 1968 so a different time.

My mother who was a very intelligent sophisticated and elegant (affluent) woman who knew gay men socially was a thorn in my side for my entire life. She somewhat hid her homophobia just as she hid her anger- both to the public world, neither to her private world.

I had to (and did) build a wall between myself and her when I was in my early 20s. I learned through therapy that she really abused me (what did I know?) I also learned to forgive her- which was a continuous process. But she was never in my proximate life, I never confided in her. When she passed away, I had made peace with our lot, but realized after she died that I simply did not love my mother. That was the casualty of the homophobia, abuse and my need to get away from it so I did not become an angry person like she was.

So yes- move on, understand and forgive if you can. Luckily my father was very different as were my sibs and of course lots of wonderful friends life long.

r2 It was my first thought.. OP has to be someone in the millennial or younger age groups.

When she passes, OP, you will have said goodbye to her —and to what should have been a healthy mother-son relationship— many decades ago.

Luckily, we can choose our friends.

Kicked out at 17, the day after high school graduation. I never spoke to my mother again. The only time I heard from siblings was when they wanted money, which I did not give.

I have a family - a family of friends.

Go to therapy now and mourn the relationship that will never be now. When she passes you won’t feel anything except maybe relief.

OP I totally get how torn you are and I'm very sorry for it. Parents are such important parts of our lives, even if we are estranged from them. But they are regular humans and normal people even if we feel they matter more to us in the long run. We can't help but want something meaningful from them even in the face of overwhelming evidence that they don't like or respect us or unfairly view us as extensions of themselves.

I'm guessing the estrangement is the result of a variety of factors, so try not to let it boil down to your sexuality, as that adds shame that will hamper you to some extent, even if you think you're over it. You might still very well have been treated like crap even if you were straight, you know. Still, I'm so frustrated for you that she outed you like that to others. It's classless and cruel. And frankly, the woman's had 4 husbands so she shouldn't be judging.

You should give up all hope of her changing/apologizing in some significant way, for the sake of your own emotional wellbeing, but perhaps leave the door open to allow for nicer moments with her....the way you would with a difficult coworker or mentally unwell homeless person you pass on the street regularly. I try to do that with my father, who is deeply messed up and dangerous. Expect the worst, but if they're in a decent mood, allow for something nice.

In short, try not to be all or nothing. I've struggled with that myself. It hurts because obviously we can imagine how much better things would be, if only they'd do XYZ...but settle for what you can get by letting go of XYZ. You may not have much, only an annual meal or random phone call, but that'll at least keep you cordial, which lessens the guilt.

And remember - you are HER CHILD. Fine, you're both adults, but she has permitted an estrangement to exist. She is not looking at you as a person of value in her life. You were kicked out at 16. That's a horrible thing to do to a child. You could have died. So don't torture yourself please.

R6 is right. Love can't be forced or expected because "family". And sometimes family love you as best they can due to their personal issues.

I think you're feeling shitty because you're single too. Maybe having the "is being gay leading me down a lonely life path?" blues, comparing yourself to siblings who have the kids and acceptance from Mom. They aren't better than you for being married or having procreated. Remember that.

Pity yourself less and her more. Do not let her stupidity erode your happiness, okay? If it's possible, go to a movie with her, or a walk to the park. Keep subjects surface level. If she lets you, create something nice for you to look back on, however simple.

And when she's sick or old and frail, she may soften. Who knows. But free yourself from the desire to repair it all. Try to be your own best friend and lift yourself up because it sounds like she's been weighing you down for years. Your purpose in life is not to win her over. You are not "the bad son".

*hugs*

OP: That reconciliation shit is vastly overrated.

Move on. That particular rejection is ruinous of your mental health and well-being. The longer you subject yourself to it the more lasting the damage. This is especially true if your parents are the kind who never ask you about your life or how you are doing because they are embarassed/disgusted/disappointed that you are gay.

[quote] And when she's sick or old and frail, she may soften.

Don't fall for that shit either. It's true but insincere. Oftentimes the gay child is leaned on because they have no children so their lives and relationships are regarded as non-substantive. They will call you first because the obligations of your day-to-day life are "insignificant" and they don't want to worry anyone else.

Let them grow old, get sick and frail, and die with the same indifference they showed you your entire life. Offer to find them a nice nursing home, they'll get the hint.

It depends on the size of the inheritance, IMO. Is there something at stake that will greatly improve the second half of your life? It’s not the deciding factor but it’s a consideration.

However, unless it’s an irrevocable trust, there’s ultimately no assurance in that direction, either. So…

Mourn now. Whatever rituals/ceremonies you need to do to honor the better memories and kinder parts of them, as well as any hope you have for their acceptance. Those will be the hardest to process later, and doing so now will allow you to integrate the complexities of the relationship into your personal narrative a little easier. Parents are always going to be part of our story, but make sure it's *your* story.

There’s a lot you’ve left out. Did she ever apologize? Did she continue to express her homophobia?

I’m sorry to hear this OP. Sending you a hug.

So you were still being spanked by your mother when you were 13? You both need therapy, stat. Except this didn’t happen, so do try to write something more believable next time.

I divorced my family years ago, but I doubt if they noticed. I still send birthday cards and the occasional email. I don't approve of them and vice versa. I don't owe them forgiveness or reconciliation or an apology. They're just people who are related to me.

r19

Look, maybe this was a big made-up story, but really, it probably wasn't, so why don't you just shut up for once? Nobody needs your snide, over-eager "oh oh I know! I know! This one's a fake!!" childishness.

I see you - or other pea brains - popping into every thread on DL to call someone a troll and say "this never happened" like you're betting on some casino card game and determined to win the big prize. You're not winning anything except the distinction of having overused a joke to the point that no one wants to ever hear it again.

Seriously, this is a place where people open up and share personal stuff so they can seek advice when they need to. If you can't respect that, then at least respect yourself enough not to keep coming back to insult others.

Your insipid "1/10" posts are far FAR more offensive to the rest of us than the occasional possibly-fake story.

You're a can't R19 and not an original one either. Not that I have anything to prove but yes my story is 100% true, Black and minority parents don't give a fuck how old you are they will still put a belt to your ass. My mother used corporal punishment well into my teens but your mother on the other hand should've swallowed the night you were conceived.

^^meant to call R19 A CUNT sorry for the typo. And to all the other empathetic posters in here Thank you for your kind words. You have no idea how much it helps

My mom called me a fag, sissy, etc. I knew she agreed with ppl who bullied me. I spent a quarter century trying to somehow be loveable, but im not the broken part. You cant fix other ppl. She alienated her 3 straight kids too. It wasn't me. We very rarely have cause to speak. Im always civil and clipped. Any more than 10 minutes and she starts into the narc abuse, bc being retired, she no longer has many chances to get the high that abusing narcs seek.. i dont engage. One day will be the last time we talk and i refuse to let it be a nasty interaction. So I've effectively gray rocked her. You are not required to forgive your abusers.

^ Only on DL would someone apologize for NOT using the word "cunt".

R25 was for R23.

R21, save your holier-than-thou sanctimonious crap for someone else. This site is, by definition, for pointless bitchery, among other things. This isn't Ann Landers, and anyone who comes here for actual advice is asking for whatever they get. I'm entitled to my opinion, just like you, and I'll express it whenever I want, so if you don't like it, don't hesitate to block me (or would that prevent you from playing self-appointed board arbitrator?

R27 has her wish. Blocked.

OP, your post says it all, your mother being the person you turned you gay in the first place (and boy is she aware of it) and being uber toxic, you should stear clear of the cunt. easy to say, I know. Try to fing a nice, loving, elderly woman who will give you support and affection, ....and leave her stuff to you

OP, in all honesty, you sound devoid of any self-respect whatsoever. I'm sorry you have to go through life lacking courage and bravery. It's time to man up.

Op, it’s your mother who should be apologizing. And it’s time to come out of the closet to eveyone in your family. They’re going to talk about you anyway—once you tell them, they’ll have little to gossip about because it’s all in the open

Yeah, it sounds like your mom has only negativity to offer you.

Focus on chosen family.

I'm sorry ,OP. I've never understood how a Parent can base love and affection on anything but love for their children.

R36, that’s how evil religion can be—it breaks the strongest mammalian bond, between mother and child

I know R37, I've heard it. I never liked it. I'm just very Sorry.

Life is too damned short.

The whole logical VS biological family thing makes a hell of a lot of sense.

Choose your own family members.

I'm with R15. My other wasn't homophobic but she was emotionally and physically abusive, despite our upper middle class life. I left in my 20s and had no contact with her for decades. My father did not protect me vis-a-vis the estate and after he died, I bit the bullet and contacted her. We were in touch til she died and I got a bigger share than I would have otherwise. She never apologised; our phone conversations consisted of her airing her grievances with me surfing the net on the other end. So if there is significant money or property at stake, I seriously advise anyone in that position to man up and do what you have to.

Laughable that people want nothing to do with a parent for years and then sell out for money. It defeats the purpose.

I guess it's cold comfort. Better to stay away and get nothing from your parent, either love or money?

Has she reached out to you, OP?

[quote] I learned through therapy that she really abused me (what did I know?)

Abused in what way? Verbally? Mentally? This is a repressed memory thing, is it?

OP, where is your father?

4th husband? Seems like no one can stand her.

"I guess I'm torn between "honor thy mother" and "move on she won't ever get it""

OP, you have a 3rd option, which is to finally, undeniably, officially come out to your mother and family, and let their reaction decide where you go from here.

Do it on Facebook, where you can get your mother's reaction in writing, and the reaction of the whole family. Maybe it'll result in a closer relationship with some family members, but if not, well. You'll have material you can throw back in their faces forever! Come on, OP, if you can't get any actual enjoyment out of your family life, at least get some drama.

r8- Some say we choose our parents. I looked it up and it's more than just Louise Hay

I've moved on.

You're 35?

If your mother is hugely rich with few logical heirs, maintain some sort tenuous connection from a distance. Be polite, ask questions about if she is well and happy, and keep it minimal. Push back if she presses you to do something you don't want to do, but be polite and stand firm, "I told you I can't see you over the holidays, but ask again another time."

If she's not hugely rich walk away, ignore any communications, and make your life about your present and future.

My Mom had a problem I was gay for a little while. Dad was more okay with it. Whatever. But my Dad was VERY emotionally abusive. Yelled at us (I have 5 siblings). Now he's nearly 80 with Parkinson's and I have no love for him. I wonder if I'll regret it when he dies (which could be any day), but I don't think I will. He was mean to us and I don't forgive him for it.

And that your right R51. I feel similar because kids don't ask to be here so parents who resent their kids for existing are weird as fuck to me. You had options.

One thing I realized in dealing with what is left of my family. At a certain time of life, people are who they are - they don't really change. Very few people turn into better people in old age. They're just a more fossilized version of who they were earlier. Yes, people get elderly and can mellow but once an asshole, always an asshole.

So unless there is a financial reason, if she is negatively impacting your life - cut her loose. Don't feel guilty.

OP, I feel your pain. My parents are in their 80s. I love my mother very much and will miss her when she is gone. I miss my father now ... even though he is still around. About 15 years ago my father went off the deep end with Fox News and he never came back. I waited to see if he might come out of it, but every conversation turned into a political argument. In 2013 I stopped speaking to him and realized I had more peace in my life. I mourned him then. I still see him and speak to him, but it feels like I'm talking to his ghost. He will actually be dead some day, but for me he is dead now.

The awakening moment came when I realized I had not spoken to him in a full year. It was his birthday and I called him on the phone to wish him a happy birthday. We had a nice chat on the phone. It meant a lot to me that we had not even spoken in a full year, and I considered mentioning it to him, to make an attempt to iron out our differences. But I realized that he didn't even notice we hadn't spoken. He didn't care about it. That's when I stopped trying with him. And my life got much better for it.

Sorry if this sounds cold. Invest in people who can give you what you need to be happy and who know how to reciprocate. Cut the rest of them out of your life.