Let's be a Mexican restaurant

[quote] Let's be a chain Mexican restaurant in Flyoverstan

Fixed it for you OP

The better/more authentic places do not hit you up with chips and salsa

I'm the token gay male server. Usually, but not always Mexican. Sonetimes, I'm also the token white guy.

I’m the guacamole that’s made at your table. It looks like there’s a lot more of me than there really is in those thick bumpy bowls with legs they use. Somebody at your table is going to take a big scoop of me and leave the rest of you a few dabs.

I'm Vicente Fernández.

(great idea for a thread, OP)

I'm the tile-covered table.

I'm the over-earnest white patron making a game effort at correctly pronouncing my order. Hey, at least I'm not doing it with an accent.

I am the hot sexually ambiguous waiter who is either eye fucking you or just trying to understand what you are wearing.

I'm a velvet painting of a bullfighter.

I'm the disgruntled 50 something bull dyke manager. I'm not even Mexican. I only hire hot hostesses and waitresses.

Expect LOTS of drama!

Close thread on account of lameness, please.

I'm the happy hour margarita. Yes, I only cost $6, but there's only about a half a shot of tequila in me on a good night.

I'm the volume of the patrons talking so loudly that everyone is shouting to the person seated next to them to be heard.

Infinity.

Can we be a soul food restaurant next?

I'm the overly loud Banda music playing over the tinny speaker that is right above your table. And the little white kid that the parents let run around and climb on the booths because little Zachary is so special.

I'm the flan.

Nobody ever orders me, but I faithfully remain at my post in the walk-in, just in case anybody ever does.

I’m the Chi-Chi’s that got shut down for health code violations after several patrons got e coli food poisoning from the salsa

I’m the REAL Mexican restaurant, which none of you have ever tried.

I'm the cute pocket gay waiter, who doesn't speak English, with a tight little ass who you take home in a doggie bag for $200.

I'm the enormous colorful mural that flirts with perspective and scale Your can stare at me for hours.

I'm the kitchen help who refuse to flush toilet paper or wash my hands. No speak English.

I'm the statins you'll need after an order of cheese enchiladas, refried beans and chile con queso. That is, if your arteries don't harden right there at the table.

I’m one of the smoking hot cooks. Caliente hombre!

Since OP used a photo of a Mishawaka, Indiana Mexican Restaurant. I am the Mishawaka Mexican restaurant with health code violations of live and dead cockroaches in the kitchen, plus mouse droppings on the prep table and floors but not the same restaurant in photo used by OP.

I'm Becky Connor wearing a traditional billowy dress.

I am the waitress who takes great glee in correcting you when you butcher the order in spanglish.

I'm $5 for a scoop of guacamole.

I'm the fat white grandparents in the corner booth, hooting and gasping at the "super spicy" table salsa that's truly as piquant as Elmer's glue.

I'm the school-bus-yellow "Queso Fundido" they pour over football-sized burritos for your anniversary dinner. Good luck having date-night sex when you're bombing up the john in two hours because your gringo gut can't handle both oily cheese AND ground beef in the same night.

I'm the old white guy who insists on speaking to the Latino busboy in broken Spanish, even though the busboy was born in the U.S. and is perfectly fluent in English.

The busboy plays along, because he's a nice young kid and he knows it makes the old white guy happy.

I'm the bottle of Cholula on the table. You can go ahead and steal me. I know you want to.

I'm copious amounts of tinsel at Christmas time. Feliz Navidad!

continued from R32

I'm the colorful, if dusty, serapes draped awkwardly on the fake stucco walls.

I'm the sizzling smoke from the fajita platters. I exist purely for show, and your clothes will reek all night thanks to me.

I'm the whole enchilada baby! (My favorite food ever!)

I'm the same old jokes about "Montezuma's Revenge" and "The Aztec Two-Step", making my nightly appearance.

I'm the obligatory birthday sombrero! You act like you don't like to wear me, but you secretly love it and the singing of the entire wait staff.

We're the lunchtime fat construction workers.

I'm Uncle Bob. It's my first time eating in a Mexican restaurant.

I'm the waiter. My advice to Uncle Bob is: "Order it mild."

I'm the $0.99 margarita! You think you're getting a deal, but I'm just a watered down mix with a teaspoon of rotgut tequila.

I'm the three dollars of food for eleven dollars.

I'm the bathroom door signs in Spanish- "Hombres" and "Damas".

I am the broken off tortilla chip in the guacamole. We say that this is artisanal, then charge you an arm and a leg for this.

My favorite foods. Middle Eastern too. Delicious.

I'm the farts. Holy shit! I'm every where!

"caballeros" y "damas", r43

So many other things are accurate in this thread though!

I'm the actual Mexicans that wouldn't be caught dead eating there.

I'm the Midwestern frau who eats at the Mexican restaurant with my coworkers. I order the cheeseburger because Mexican food is too spicy and exotic.

I am a large picture of Pancho Villa.

This was a fun one.

I'm "One tekillya, two tekillya, three tekillya, FLOOR!"

I’m the rice and beans taking up half the platter.

I'm the kitchen staff, who all take turns sticking our uncut dicks in the tacos and laughing about it before they're put on the plate and taken out to the gringos.

I'm me, eating cheese enchiladas. But I'm a cheap fucker and don't go to the good Mexican place unless my mom pays, but she won't do that anymore (partly because she says she has constant stomach issues, and partly because that place is always at least $80). My husband said it was so good he wants to ask my mom if she'll take him there on a date. My birthday was in September and mom didn't take me out this year. I'm going to have to wait until my brother is in town and tell him to suggest Mexican.

We're the kitchen & wait staff who are actually from Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras, and Nicaragua. We need jobs, and you gringos can't tell us apart, anyway.

I'm the white guy who is on a date and I think it's hilarious to order fahjeetahs!

I'm the date who is mortified.

I'm the Dutch Oven my spouse will enjoy later this evening, once all of the beans and cheese have a chance to digest!

I’m the green salsa no one cares for.

I'm the group of cubefraus. It's Happy Hour, I'm drinking Costco mix margaritas for $3 a pop, and N'Sync just started playing my song on the radio. Life is good!

I'm a blown-up revolutionary-era photo of a woman looking urgently from a train. I'm right next to R50, and just as iconic!

I'm the hand blown, blue rimmed margarita glasses.

I'm the pig cheeks, sheep brains, cow tongues, and goat tripe eaten by actual Mexicans.

I am conspicuously absent from the menu offerings, but most of the kitchen staff had me for lunch, so I am present nonetheless.

Most of you people are quite funny today!

I’m the inevitable query,

“What’s [italic]al pastor[/italic]?

I'm the chicle by the register. Only a nickel for one piece!

R45 thinks there's a cuisine called "middle eastern."

Oh, dear.

Stanford university

I'm Chapulines Oaxaqueños served at a Mexican restaurant in Mexico.

I'm the small tuft of shredded iceberg lettuce topped with a teaspoon of diced tomatoes at the edge of your plate. You don't know what to do with me.

R67, Pretty sure Middle East cuisine is a thing.

R68

Taco Bell U.?!

I'm the mariachis going from table to table asking if you'd like a song.

Every small town in the South has at least one of me. My main competition is the Chinese buffet.

I'm the obligatory mural of Mexican goddesses Maria Felix and Frida Kahlo. Add in Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe and you've got the Holy Trinity of Mural Muses.

I'm the rampant catholicism because the converted are always 500000 times more religious than those who introduced them to that religion

I'm the gay server that will NEVER be present in the restaurant.

I'm the flaming straight male server you /may/ have.

I'm the family that owns the business and works in it.

I'm the presence of waaaaay too many colourful things on the walls.

I'm the seating for 16 people max.

I'm Chasten Buttigieg putting on his fat pants and getting ready to go down on some South Bend wet burritos!

I'm everything drizzled with cheese.

I'm Casa Bonita!

Because if I'm gonna be a Mexican restaurant, I want to be the tackiest, most ostentatious, most garish, most outlandish, most legendary, and least authentic one on Earth, with the worst food!!!

OK, I'm also the obligatory red candle lantern things on the tables. I pair well with the obligatory bowl of corn tortillas.

I'm a michelada.

I’m the family of gringos from Kansas who try their hardest to over enunciate anything in Spanish, but completely butcher trying to pronounce “Oaxaca”.

[quote]Let's be a Mexican restaurant

We wouldn’t recommend it.

I'm the hot dishwashers.

I'm the fried ice cream.

I’m the boarder states (California, Arizona, New Mexico and a small part of Texas) that are the only place outside of Mexico where you can get great Mexican food.

I’m the shit-smeared toilet paper, flung into a waste basket near the toilet-because it won’t flush properly in Mexico because of low pressure, but we keep forgetting we’re in America now.

Gross!

I'm the recherché serving ware at Mexican restaurants in Paris, from chipped enamelware to puebla talavera. Bien entendu our chefs have trained somewhere important under someone important.

I'm the white gringo who can't get enough of pseudo-Mexican fare and I really don't care how "authentic" it is. Tomorrow is Chinese night and we can play this game all over again

I'm the watery, ice cold salsa they bring you when you first sit down. Yes, I've been chilling in the fridge...for the fourth time today.

I'm the obligatory sombrero tossed onto your head while the wait staff sings "Happy Birthday." I've been on about a thousand other heads this year but we won't talk about why your scalp itches afterwards.

I'm the flan delivered for free for the birthday boy or girl. I'll sit there while we all figure out the bill because no one likes flan.

I love flan. But granted, most of what you get in most Mexican restaurants is a gelatinous hockey puck with a very watery caramel sauce that was delivered to the restuarant in a giant 18 wheeler with the word "Cysco" on it.

And it's not even the right kind of Cisco.

So, I guess I'm the flan and I love myself.

But I'm not a restaurant flan.

I’m the tableside guacamole

Dataloungers are fucking contrarian wierdos.

I'm the tackos.

I'm the sexy chef

I'm the fat white family ordering enchaladas and tacos with NO ONION and American cheese who will get a to-go box for their tortilla chips and who will not leave a tip.

Sysco, not Cysco.

I'm the city dweller whose car broke down and needed to use the bathroom. i am overcome with sorrow for those who equate Mexican food with trashy restaurants like these. Who are you people?

I'm a double-dipper. There's at least one of me at every table.

What is this SHIT that you brought me? Gwack—what? I told you I wanted avocado TOAST! Don't you people even know how to toast bread? It's not even hard! I'm not paying for this shit! I want to talk to your manager!

I'm Stevie Nicks' Fajita Roundup!

We're K Macho's in Kansas City! Dining with us is like actually being in Mexico! 🇲🇽

Were those Corona beers upside down in the margaritas? What was in those XXL tacos??

Garcia Films has some explaining to do, for making that ad.

I’m the chicken tenders and fries on the kids’ menu.

[Quote]Garcia Films has some explaining to do, for making that ad.

R104, I'm sure they were making that ad for Midwestern American tastes and preferences. It's as if Americans were in control of preparing Mexican food.

I’m the fat guy who went that one time to Puerto Vallarta and tells everybody that what they’re eating isn’t “real” Mexican food.

I'm the oversized wet burrito, swimming in mole poblano.

I’m the one big screen TV at the bar. Apparently, the only channel I get has soccer matches. Doesn’t matter the time of year. I only show soccer.

I’m the one-dimensional paintings on the wall that LOOK authentic (to most of Americans), but aren’t.

The Coronita (small bottle of Corona) that is served upside down in a Margarita has a name - Corona-Rita. They are oddly delicious.

I'm the southern lady who saunters in in a magenta muumuu with a tropical bird on it and announces "AH LUHHHVVE SAH-LOSSA!"

"boarder" state?

I'm Oaxaca, and I'm pronounced "Wah-HAH-kuh." No O or X sound.

^don’t tell that to Nury Martinez, you’ll make her even more pissed off.

I'm the lard in everything marked *vegetarian*.

I'm Vicki Carr, strolling along the Riverwalk in San Antonio selling pralines and posing for photos with tourists.

R112, Spanish: [waˈxaka], where x is the voiceless velar fricative, like the 'ch' in Scottish "loch"; Spanish a is always [a], no schwa.

"You call this spicy? Ha! Try my jollof rice!"

r116 = Thread killer

Not anymore OP. Those days are Gone with the Wind

I'm actress Lupe Velez memorialized in a riff on da Vinci's The Last Supper.

We're the gay couple, who treat Mexican restaurants as our cheat meals, and order chips and guacamole several times before our entrees arrive. We flirt incessantly with any male staff above a 5, and they flirt back, because they're horny fuckers.

I am the non mexican person who works there, you dont see me because they only hire latinos . Isnt that against the law ?!!!

I'm the 25-out-of-5 menu. We use only five ingredients but create twenty-five dishes out of them. They are basically all Tijuana street food but whatever. It's good enough to label the restaurant authentic and yet affordable. Never mind that Mexican cuisine has so much more to offer.

I'm the combo page of the menu. Please order by number. No substitutions.

I'm nuclear chili powder I have to bring with me when I eat there.

I’m the jizz in the queso dip made fresh by Armando.

My mother moved to a tiny rural town after retiring and there is an El Rancho Viejo there. One of the few places to eat. Karaoke in the bar on Fridays is the happening hot spot. It pretty much looks as described here with the artwork done by the owner's son.

Im the cucaraches. Not the song. The one in your refried beans.

I’m shitty desserts.

I'm r107's wife, hiss-whispering, "Jeffrey, stop!"

[quote] I’m shitty desserts.

The desserts are just there to distract the wife while the husband goes in the back and blows the waiter.

[R82] my hausfrau neighbor to a T!

R86 that's not true at all. You must be a stupid cunt. I've had great Mexican food in Northern Virginia and Chicago.

I'm the molcajete dish, packed with several meats and vegetables. If you eat all of me + tortillas + sides + chips/salsa/guac in one sitting, your pants will explode! But it will be worth it because I am delicious.

exactly. do you know most mexican places in the south are run by 1st generations.

exactly. do you know most mexican places in the south are run by 1st generations.

I'm the "Mexican Street Corn" appetizer recently added to the menu.

The gringo owners have no idea what I am, or how to make me, but they heard I'm the latest sensation in Mexican cuisine, so they decided to shit-can the Deep Fried Avocado, which was the latest sensation about 10 years ago but has since fallen into disfavor and disinterest, and add me.

Let's see how long I last!

I'm the guy double-dipping chips in the salsa bowl (talking about you, Dad).

I'm the 5'2" cute illegal immigrant busboy who's far too busy to pay attention to your lustful staring.

I'm the cloud of cheap Mexican laundry detergent that surrounds the waitstaff. It waters the eye, and has a hint of formaldehyde, but you can't quite place it.

It's Fabulosa, r140.

I'm the trumpet player in the mariachi band that sometimes strolls through the place. I'm always a tad flat and that's how I like it. I also like to sing as loud as I possibly can because who the fuck needs to talk during dinner anyway?

I'm the forever bubbling Horchata machine on the laminated counter waiting for someone, anyone, to try me just once. You know you thought about it. Tpry me. Just once. Come on.

I'm the Foca and pink Zote cocktail. And I'm the blue Suavitel chaser. R140's eye pain is all our doing, and we couldn't be happier.

If you know what's good for you, you won't make us involve white Zote.

Dataloungebertos

I’m the pink tacos.

Most of this is actually more tex-mex or calexican than Mexican.

I'm the word 'tamale,' which does not exist in Spanish but is found on just about every Mexican restaurant menu.

I'm the word "tamales" which is not printed in singular form on menus, because who the fuck is passing up a platter of tamalES.

R140 I love that smell tho. They always smell so fresh fully clean.

I'm the dealing of cocaine in the back for the more shady ones used as a front for money laundering.

I'm the dishwasher who hasn't had a break in 8 hours wondering who the hell has time to deal drugs with all these orders?! This ain't no mattress store!

Let's me a Messican restaurant

I'm the Deplorable MAGAts who bring their entire clan to eat at the Mexican restaurant at least once a week, but we want a wall built to keep out those illegals!

R154 some deplorable was on social media after being filmed at a Mexican taqueria ranting about the workers only speaking Spanish and the menu being in Spanish.

R155 Yep, the MAGAts are completely clueless and unaware of how stupid they are.

[quote]hiss-whispering

I love this phrase.

Calecían = someone from Calexico, Calif. that’s it. As bad as Tex-Mex is, don’t try to lump in some other “style” with it.

Calexican

Tex-Mex is wonderful but not authentic Mexcan but it is cooked by Mexican-Americans who have been here for decades. They can sure throw a fiesta too.

^ This, whatever it is they serve in the restaurants here, that's what I like. I don't care if it's "authentic". I like what I like

The Mexican food in Calexico and El Centro is awesome, not just because it is prepared by Mexican-Americans but also because it's in a huge agricultural region (the Imperial Valley) and everything is fresh and of high quality.

We're Parrilla Azteca Cibaeña Bar & Grill, located in The Bronx, NY. Instead of competing against the Dominican population here, we've decided to incorporate them!

I’m the wall painted in a faux adobe style.

I'm the screaming brat in the high chair right next to your table because Karen and Ken were too cheap to get a babysitter. I also won't eat anything on this menu.

R165 you realize Mexicans be bringing they whole families to Mex8can restaurants. I guess you only hate white babies.

I'm the "Tex" in the "Tex-Mex"!

I'm the beef gravy smothering the enchiladas. The chili con carne poured generously over the tamales. The puffy taco shells. The melted neon yellow cheese.

I especially enjoy the looks of confusion and/or abject horror as I am placed in front of unsuspecting diners, expecting a Mexican meal.

YEEE-HAAAW, cabrones!!!!

and I'm good R167. I've never seen neon yellow cheese. Usually a white cheese or a cheddar and the better restaurants use Cotija or queso fresco.

[quote] you realize Mexicans be bringing they whole families to Mex8can restaurants. I guess you only hate white babies.

At least the Mexican babies eat the food and don’t just scream

And nice dropping the “you’re the racist” Repug talking point, dickwad.

R169, ????????????????

My mom and I used to take my son to a tiny Mexican restaurant when he was a baby. We'd feed him thinks like beans and guacamole. Nothing spicy, just yummy stuff.

I'm the Tex in Tex-Mex which is short for Texas which used to be Mexico! So still Mexican food!

Anyone remember chi chis. For a chain they had some outstanding Mexican food.

What is "dessert?"

R174, churros?

R176, sopapillas, pastel de tres leches, helado

DEEP-FRIED ICE CREAM

sopapillas!

Carlito!

Pinga!

^ Pinga is extra

Is the upcharge for pinga more or less than the one for guacamole?