How Lonely Are You?

I’m very looney

OP my life is similar to your although I interact with people at work etc, I have very little social interaction with friends. I'm a loner at heart so I'm mostly ok with it. I have a dog who I consider my best friend. Recently, a friend visited from out of town for a week and it really grated on my nerves to have somebody always there. Still, a few times a year I experience that sense of loneliness.

On a scale form 1 to 10? About 12.

exceedingly

I never really used to be but I have a progressive chronic condition on top of the Covid thing that rendered me lonely due to self imposed isolation and depression.

I'm not but I do make a special effort to meet up with friends who I know are lonely.

I think you're making assumptions about your friends and family not wanting to socialize because they are coupled and/or have kids. Most couples aren't joined at the hip and can socialize independently. Or ask to get together with both of them. Invite the whole family out for lunch or to do something with them. I've seen every school play, concert, recital, and many, many games for my nieces and nephews when they were little because my siblings lives revolved around them. Until they were in high school at least. But it usually involved going out to lunch or for ice cream afterwards, and it allowed me to see them.

Or maybe you just need to meet new people. Put yourself out there a bit. Take a class, volunteer for something, pick up a sport. I meet a ton of people that way, some have evolved into what I consider true friendships. And the others that aren't particularly strong friendships have certainly yielded a good network for when I am looking for someone to play golf, tennis or go hiking with. I joined a couple of hiking groups on Meet Up, and took tennis lessons at my town rec center, play for free at the town courts so it's not like these are expensive activities.

[quote] But they say that from a place of privilege as they’re married or have large families.

Not everybody is in a happy marriage. Not everybody enjoys the company of their families.

Easy to say, hard to do, but stop comparing yourself to others.

I have gotten used to being alone most of the time. I find company by participating in social media and sites like this one. It’s not the same at all, but it helps me feel less isolated.

R6- You sound VERY outgoing. Not everyone is as social as you are.

Never lonely. Partner travels for work a lot, so I’m alone for days on end and I absolutely love it. Love the solitude and quiet.

No, I am not, r9. I am a loner and am perfectly content with my own company most of the time. I thrived during lockdown. I am in a LTR with a guy who is much more social than I, and it can be a point of contention sometimes. We don't live together because I need my space. We have a core group of friends we see maybe once every two months (they often spend the weekend at my house) but he socializes with independently more often. I have a small group of friends from high school who live within driving distance or are in the area periodically. I am close to my four siblings, we all live within a hours drive. The other people I socialize with are my hiking, golf and tennis friends, and usually for those specific activities, maybe get lunch afterwards or get invited to a party or something..

R6, R11- For someone who’s a loner that sounds like a lot of socializing. There’s nothing wrong with that of course.

Sometimes I feel desperately lonely.

But then I recall that I had lunch with a friend last week, daily calls with another friend, a dinner with a dear friend coming up this Friday… Some texts in between, a family visit next month. I chat friendly with my neighbour downstairs.

I am a real introvert, and I guess the loneliness I’m feeling has everything to do with not having a boyfriend.

It just seems to me that since lockdown the people I’m close to have gotten short-tempered, self centered and very negative in outlook. I chalk it up to the stresses of life in the Covid-MAGA era. But it’s very draining and I prefer being lonely to being with people who stress me out.

I'm mostly alone but never ever lonely.

I just realized I must be very lonely because I just spent 10 minutes chewing the ear off one of my neighbors in the laundry room. Then I realized I haven’t spoken to another human in over a week and I guess I just had verbal diarrhea.

R14 you and I would enjoy a quiet walk on a windy day together.

My mother’s fear about me being gay was that in the end I wound wind up alone. But I find as I get older that my siblings are my best friends, and some of their friends are mine. I think that so many gay people are rejected by or reject their families. But you can’t be anti- family, and that involves children. Most gay men I have known were not fans of children. But you need them. You will become more patience , less self centered. And if you are a good person children will always keep you company. That doesn’t mean become parent. But once you really bond with a children you will never be alone as you both age. Also I love to buy them stuff- more appreciation than any man I ever dated.

I got naked in my front yard

My two best friends both died, separately, during COVID. Have not found anyone to fill the void they left in my life.

Have a relatively new job that has me working at home, primarily interacting with my boss via email. The upshot is I frequently go days without any significant human interaction. I am lonely and isolated.

Am having to put greater effort into reaching out to other friends, with mixed results.

I’m so ronery.

R13 How are you lonely when you have friends?

[quote]Most gay men I have known were not fans of children. But you need them.

No I don't. I adopted a cat.

I spend most of my time alone. For the most part, I enjoy being alone, but YES I do get lonely. For those who say "I'm never, ever lonely," I'm calling bullshit. There are tradeoffs to everything in life.

I’m sorry you’re in that situation, r20. But there are a lot of other people out there in similar situations so you’ll have more opportunities.

I feel lonely only when I think having many friends is some sort of ideal. Though I am well loked and respected by family, my small circle of friends and at work, I really prefer my own company. I don't find miat people espe ially interesting, funny or knowledgeable. It has taken me a long time to understand and accept this.

I wish I had more human contact than I do, but only now and then, R24. I'm a loner. Lots of people around all the time makes me anxious. Having to see people and interact every day is irritating. I LOVE the days I spend by myself. Just because you don't get it doesn't mean it's bullshit.

Til now I always got by on my own 🎶

[quote] Just because you don't get it doesn't mean it's bullshit.

True, R27, and thank you for being so civilized about it. I shouldn't have said "bullshit."

Sometimes I get lonely and feel like visiting a seaside town on a cloudy autumn day, breathing in the fresh salt air, and taking a long walk on a short pier.

I can tell you a story of sadness. A story too hard to believe. I’ll tell you the loneliest one is me. Just ask the lonely? Ask me. I’m the loneliest one you’ll see.

You need slugs, op.

Not at all.

In a loving LTR, have plenty of friends, and close to my family.

My friends are now living in other states. I have never been lonely a day in my life. I am an introvert and a loner so I am always happy being alone I interact with people waiting on me in stores when I venture out and that is enough for me

I responded above R2 but after reading some more responses I wondered where OP lives? I think another reason I don't feel lonely is that I live in a major city and can walk many places to run errands. Being out amongst others helps even if you don't actually interact with them. If I lived somewhere suburban and had to drive everywhere I think I'd experience more loneliness.

Have been a loner all my life, but at 30 it's dawning on me that it's dangerous and impoverishing to live like this. I can't support myself like this.

It's been a decade since I've had friends (for women that's the same as being radioactive), work alone/freelance, and I've never had a romantic or sexual partner of any kind. Worse, being female I have to decide conclusively if I want to carry and birth a child within the next few years or my window closes forever, and I can't settle on how I truly feel about it (I was a late-bloomer and have never felt maternal). What was the ideal lifestyle for me to cope with depression, anxiety, stress etc. in my teens and 20s is unsustainable now, and I don't have any way to grow or get better or change my limiting circumstances.

All the pressure and confusion is making me shut down and withdraw from other people even more. I'm really at a loss, and don't know what to do next in life. Wishing someone older in my life had warned the youngster I was that this could be the outcome--it feels too late to fix, now. To be honest, I'm really, really scared.

I feel for you and hope you seek therapy to work things out, R36.

R36 you seem like your giving yourself things to worry about.

I've lived alone my entire life after leaving home at 18. Never had roommates, never lived with a partner. Been in several LTR but none ever resulted in us moving in together despite the lesbian stereotypes. I have a "rule" that I have to date someone at least a year, possibly two before deciding to move in together because the first year is always the hearts and romance stage, then the second is the true "getting to know the real you" stage.

I have struggled on and off with loneliness but I always have made sure to do things extracurricular such as play softball on city leagues or do martial arts. Met lots of folks that are now good friends that way. I met a woman last year who, in very short time made a big impression on me and we dated for a bit until she declared she "wasn't ready for me" and ended it only to tell me two days later she was in love with me but not ready. We tried still having contact for a bit but it got to be too frustrating so I cut off communication. I told her when she feels she is ready to reach out. In some ways, I wish I hadn't met her because it's been 3 months since we've had contact and I still think about her all the time. It has made me incredibly lonely lately because I believed I had finally met "the one." But I have a rule that no contact with exes is the best way to be because it confuses things. For instance, this woman was still living with her ex who was essentially trying to keep her from seeing me.

That being said, I'll get over it. I always do. I love my solitary life but I make sure to see or talk to friends regularly when I can. I'm in my 50's and had pretty much given up on finding love until I met this woman. Wish I hadn't because it gave me hope again and if there is one thing I've learned in my life it's that hope is often the cause of suffering.

R36 you’re still quite young at 30. Go to a therapist. And I say this as someone who started therapy when I was 41 and should have started when I was 30. Work this out. You have time. And do not have a kid unless you’ve worked some of this out.

OP - I am deeply introverted and perpetually single but make a consistent effort to see friends and make new friends and text friends who live in other cities. I force myself to do it because otherwise I get even more lonely. And I plan activities for the weekends in advance (even if I do them alone). A lot of avoiding constant loneliness is planning things to do. Sometimes I even make myself just take a walk (I live in a city) or go sit somewhere and read where other people are present.

And DL helps too honestly. There are some very kind people on here and extremely funny people too.

You can be stll be lonely even around friends. If you need to depend on others to be happy, just have your own Bootles or Bootsie Gum Drops.

I am very lonely these days—8 out of 10 on the scale.

I've been a loner most of my life, and thought I was OK with it. Then my long-term boyfriend left and the loneliness was so painful, I realized how much better life was with other people around.

The pandemic was an odd relief, because there was nothing to do, but that's not an excuse anymore. I've mostly coped with the loneliness by drinking, which needs to stop. I need to get out and meet other people and build friendships. Not easy, even in NYC.

I wanna see you naked on the floor

If you were on the floor naked, I’d say “get up. That’s nasty”.

a word of advice from the philosohper

[quote] Then my long-term boyfriend left and the loneliness was so painful, I realized how much better life was with other people around.

The acute feelings right after a break-up are not really loneliness, IMO. It's more like a shock to the system. One night, you're lying in bed with ____. The next night, he's not in bed with you.

The feelings will subside.

Right, r46. That's grief. Nothing you can do to "get over it" because it's grief and it will stick around as long as it wants to. Your task is to sit with it and allow it so that it will pass eventually. Usually after a relationship ends, there is a time of grief, then a time of acceptance and then you get to decide where you want to go next. Sometimes people find that not being in a relationship is better than being in one that wasn't right.

Cheers R37/R40. Therapy is something I know I should return to, but after a lot of letdowns and wasted time/money/hope it's hard to work up the energy.

R40 how much time did you spend in therapy, and which type? Did you go through a few therapists before you found a fit? Given my history and past experiences, I know I'm going to have to interview several therapists, and given how disastrous my judgement of character is, it seems like an impossible job.

R36 Move cities or towns. Not joking. Moving can be a shock to the system and help rewire your brain. And ignore the smug pop psychology cunts who carry on about how moving doesn't solve all of your problems. Of course it won't solve all of them but a fresh start can really help the psyche. Staying too long in one place turns your mind into muck.

I agree that moving (location where you reside) can really help. It's always helped me, although I haven't moved for a long time. You're not looking at all the same faces and places, being reminded of unpleasant things. Yes, there's still you, yourself, and all of your issues. But you also tend to just be busy "setting up shop" in a new place, which keeps you in the here and now.

R36 I found a social worker whose bio I liked online in psychology today and who took my insurance and that was it. He’s fine - the act of talking about my issues is extremely foreign - I’m so used to hiding everything and not talking to people about stuff - it’s made a huge difference just to do that.

Think of what type of person you want to see (man, woman, older, younger) and read their bios and look at their photos and just pick one.

And just remember they have heard 10000 times worse than whatever you tell them. You having no friends and never having had a relationship or sex and considering having a child as a 30 year old woman is pretty vanilla even though it seems like the end of the world to you. Not to down play or minimize what you are going through - I have similar issues with not having relationships and it feels like the most humiliating and shameful situation. But keep in mind that people have very intense problems - drugs, domestic violence, abuse, severe psychiatric issues, terminal illness, etc etc etc. Therapists are not going to be stunned by anything you wrote in your post. It’s very easy to shame spiral and avoid avoid avoid. The reality is that they have almost always heard it all before.

Loneliness is killing me. My two long-term friends (30+ years) are both dead, my parents are dead, I never had siblings, my work always took everything I had and I craved aloneness on weekends and holidays, so I never sought out casual friendships.

Worst, I moved away from home when I retired. I thought I needed to live at the ocean. I didn’t. I just needed freedom of movement that I never had when I was chained to my desk all day every day for 30+ years. Now, I live in a small town where I know no one and try to get sustenance from going to the gym but something’s gotta give. It’s getting bad.

R52, why did you move from the ocean town to a small town? Even if the ocean is not a panacea, it's definitely not a depressant. I can't understand moving away from the ocean to a small town unless it's financially-motivated. I think you should explore therapy.

Anyone who is considering therapy but is intimidated by the cost/hassle, look into online therapy.

I've been in therapy on and off for 20 years in NYC. Recently I decided I needed help again and found an online service that matched me with the smartest, most intuitive and compassionate therapist. He's been a godsend.

Not going to mention the service lest I be accused of being a shill, but I want people to know that online therapy is a really solid option.

[quote][R52], why did you move from the ocean town to a small town?

I think the small town is the one that's next to the ocean.

My husband died at the end of August. I didn’t realize what loneliness was till then. This apartment is so quiet now. I ache for him.

[...]

[...]

Just wanted to add another 'thirty is quite young' for R36 so don't give up on things. In fact, even if you were my age (early 60s) I'd still say don't give up hope or trying to build the life you'd like to have.

I moved back to my hometown after many years living away and though I have a few old friends there, and have made one good new one, most of my close friends live in other towns or even countries. So, to get back into the community I started doing some volunteer work at the local hospital and a local museum and both have been good so something along those lines might be worth considering?

Whenever I see things like this I immediately think "Well, what are you doing about improving your situation?"

Can you answer that? If you feel lonely and you want to make some friends and have things to do, there are plenty of opportunities out there. I'm not saying this is you, but I can't stand it when people complain about things but refuse to do anything to address what they are complaining about.

I have sort of a half/half life. I spend half the year at a summer house way out in the middle of nowhere. The other half I live in a major city in a high rise condo. My city life was once very busy, but after I retired in 2007 that gradually changed as I separated myself from a lot of former fair weather friends and pared it down to my 3 true friends and my 2 godchildren. I learned to love my alone time. No one to please but my 3 rescue cats. When I'm at the summer house I have only one neighbor, across the road. The closest other neighbor (who I don't even know) is over a mile away. I keep myself busy working in my yard, digging in the ground most every day. I have guests visit once in a great while, but it's amazing how some city people can't take the solitude. The nighttime noises scare them to death. Walking in the woods is terrifying to them. They can't handle having nothing to do.

I'm now an old man, so things don't bother me like they did when I was young(er). So OP, my advise to you, if you're lonely, is to find a group that helps other people to hook up with. You'll find plenty people in the same situation you're in, and you'll find new friends. The COVID pandemic has put a lot of people in the same position as you. People have become used to being alone and can't seem to get out of that rut. Getting and maintaining friends is a job that has to be worked at. It rarely just happens.

Mrs. Sissy Bootles? Totally frau but that’s an adorable name.

[quote]Getting and maintaining friends is a job that has to be worked at. It rarely just happens.

Agreed R61.

I think the reason people put so much stock in their oldest friendships is that in many cases people can move back to their home towns and it does more or less "just happen." Everything doesn't fall back into place just as it was, but there's a predisposition to welcome back a lapsed member of the club.

When people move to a new place, when a longtime partner dies, when someone retires and realizes that much of their social life centered on work friendships, the links between people grow tenuous or haven't been made yet. There's no welcome wagon to bring people back into the fold of childhood friendships. It takes more effort and continued effort, and there will be failed efforts and unlikely successes sometimes because it's not at all "picking up where we left off."

Making new friends requires real effort and real time, and can have its share of false starts; it rarely goes to plan.

R36, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN.

No one makes friends by waiting for them to find you. You acquire friends at all stages of life by going out there, work, hobbies, gym, neighbors, extended family, church, park bench, whatever- and engaging. You give of yourself to others, listen to them and seek their company with generosity. Friendship follows. And sustaining friendship takes effort. For me it is one of life’s pleasures: planning, communicating, and participating in the fellowship of friendship. My best friends are the most important people in my life.

Summary: it’s on you OP.

But all of your close friends like Hepburn are dead, charlie.

[quote]Most gay men I have known were not fans of children. But you need them.

[quote]No I don't. I adopted a cat.

The difference is that children won't eat your carcass if you drop dead in front of them.

I'm not the poster to whom you're responding, R67, but I won't be around to notice it if my cats eat me and they make good company in the meantime.

The move was financially motivated, R53. I couldn’t afford to buy at the coast and I could see that renting out there was burning through money too fast, so I bought a condo in the valley. The town is agricultural, conservative, and Christian, and I’m not, but I am slowly learning to appreciate the low population density in some ways. Parking is easy (and how’s that for a rousing endorsement?!).

One thing that really is nice is how accessible so much beauty is. I’m easy drives from both Northern California and some land near Mount Rainier that my extended family collectively owns in Washington. I spend a LOT of time driving. Vermont, New Orleans, Roswell, Chicago, Alaska, this year. Could be much worse.

I'm lonely half the time. I'm alone the other half.

I mean that I have almost no-one I can meet to talk about things that are of mutual interest. I also mean that I like being alone. I'm pretty active actually though I work on my own, so my alone time is important.

I need a partner to cuddle and unwind.

I identify so much with R36 and R52.

R36, I could have written your post a few years ago. I started therapy a couple of years ago in my 40s. I wish I had started 20 years ago. In getting a therapist, I got lucky. I called a group practice nearby and they picked someone out for me. It was a very young, social work graduate, working towards licensure. I think younger people are less judgmental, and they're enthusiastic to make a difference.

Like R52, I'm a workaholic. My weekends were for resting, and that meant being alone. (Not that there were a lot of people clamoring to be be my friend anyway. I'm an unattractive woman, and after years of bullying, my naturally introverted personality isn't that sparkling either.)

My other problem was my mother. She's an energy vampire with a deep need to talk (to me) about her problems. Because of her psychotic disorder, she had a lot of problems, most of which were not even real. She would call me almost daily and drone on for up to an hour or two at a time. Same (imagined) topics, over and over again. When I hung up, I would be drained, and I didn't have any energy to talk to anyone else. This started when I turned 21 years old.

In summary, since childhood, my problems are: intensely introverted personality, social anxiety since toddlerhood, years of bullying during adolescence for being "ugly", being gay (that's a trauma), and my mother's dependence on me to be her emotional support person. That combination of things killed my self esteem and made me feel like an alien observer of the human race.

In therapy, hopefully you will learn something about "cognitive distortions". (Google it now.) They continue to affect your self esteem. for years. Go to therapy RIGHT NOW, identify and fight them now, before they grow any bigger.

On Reddit, there is a a group called r/foreveralonewomen that's filled with people in the same predicament as you. You're far from alone. Warning: the self-hate there can be toxic.

[quote]The difference is that children won't eat your carcass if you drop dead in front of them.

No, they bleed you dry $ with college costs, and unable to support themselves-can-I-move-back-home issues.

Sending you a loving hug, R56.

Yes R66, my dear friend Kate passed away some time ago, but I have many others, all ages.

(And you left out Nan, Jackie, Bunny, And a few others. You’re slipping!)

Some posters have mentioned we aren’t trying hard enough to make friends and are implying all we do is sit on the couch and wallow in misery. That could not be father from the truth.

I have tried making friends the old fashioned way, socializing through other friends, Grindr, Scruff, MeetMe, Facebook, Bumble, Tinder, etc.

I’m always the one initiating conversation and inviting people out to dinner, drinks, a walk in the park, movies, etc.

But people move away, people get married and are always busy, people have children. I have one female friend who used to be my best friend, but now could call and text her and it might be 2-3 weeks before she responds now that she’s married and swamped with work. And I know you’re thinking, “Well, she’s not your friend anymore.”

And therein lies my dilemma. I can’t make new friends fast enough to replace the old ones who don’t give me the time of day.

[quote]I’m always the one initiating conversation and inviting people out to dinner, drinks...

That's the way it usually works if you want it to happen, I think because most people are lazy and disorganized. My mother was a pro at making plans with these kinds of people - who were actually long time friends with similar interests. I NEVER depend on someone to call me back, I always take charge without becoming obnoxious. Even with family. I made a date with my nephew today for Friday. I'm driving 20 miles to see him and knew I must remind him to create a plan, where we're going to meet, eat, etc. Otherwise he'd leave it to the last minute and we'd waste an hour deciding what to do during my visit. He invited me, btw.

"He invited me, btw"

But did he really mean it?

R76 but it’s not fair for me to be the one to always have to initiate. I still do it anyway.

They depend on you to play that role, R78.

I'm on Datalounge every night. Does that answer you?

My partner has been in and out of the hospital and physical rehab for a long time. It is pretty lonely outside of late night hookups. I do have friends/family I talk to, but that's not the same as meeting with people. It's isolating and few get that. Even the ones that say they do really don't. You don't get it unless you've been alone this way for this time.

I'm able to feel lonely in even the biggest and most crowded room on earth. It's a skill I've had since I was a child. I can look around and think "I have nothing in common with most of these people." I hear their fake, surface-level conversations and know I have nothing to bring to their plate and they have nothing to bring to mine, so I stay in the corner and keep to myself. I've never really known anything but loneliness even when I've had relationships. I've never felt that anyone has ever truly understood me. Some have come closer than others and I cherish them.

COVID was almost a relief from the day to day forced interactions with people and I'm glad I had a lifetime of practice to deal with it. I know a lot of people who went insane from the whole thing. Personally, I liked the slower pace of everything and the lack of urgency. It gave me time to think and appreciate the smaller things in life. I've made peace with the fact that I'll probably always feel extreme loneliness for the rest of my life no matter who I surround myself with.

I'm the same as you in a lot of ways, r82. I'm starting to think that maybe it's us gay people who have always felt "different" than others and feel lonelier. I'm just speculating of course, but growing up, knowing you're different is very isolating. I remember listening to female friends droning on and on about which boy they wanted to date or about their boyfriends and I just sat there making shit up about boys I "liked" even though I knew I didn't feel like they did. Being a lesbian was hard enough in the 80's when I was a teen...in fact, I didn't even know I was a lesbian. I just knew that from an early age I wasn't interested in boys and I got crushes on female friends.

When I finally did come out, most of my friends were straight and didn't care. But still, even today the majority of my friends are straight and in relationships. I have two lesbian friends who are a couple and I love them but they moved further away so I don't see them as often as I used to.

I have pretty much given up hope of finding love at my age and it's not like there are any lesbian bars left anywhere and the online dating has been taken over by the transtapo so I avoid those. It's sad. And for r18, I'd rather put a burning metal pipe up my cooter than have to deal with kids. I get annoyed by them easily and they exhausted me. Never wanted them, even when I was young. Never even played with baby dolls as a little girl. I was all Star Wars and Dukes of Hazard growing up.

It’s Sissy BOODLES, human idiot.

Never thought I’d relate abiding loneliness, isolation, avoidance and depression using a Girls Aloud song, but here we fucking are.

‘Life Got Cold’ is the track, from the GA debut album (that is twenty years old next year, can you believe it?). So moody and fierce! Shame the video is so trashy and boring, adding nothing to the emotional song. Camisoles baring midriff and suit trousers and choppy highlights on everything!

[quote]It’s not that everyone hates me,

I'm thinking that's probably the reason

I'm an introvert in an extroverted job. I'm not lonely. In fact, I often just want to be left alone. If I won the lotto I would go Huguette Clark on myself and see only servants when I rang for them

Fake it r87. I do and i am like you. I'm very good at parties but I'm judging and disengaged inside.

If I initiate every contact with friends/family, I never truly trust they want to be there. Petty, I know.

R89 same! I even feel brutally awkward and weird about pulling one of my parents or relatives for a chat, or asking them if they want a tea. Am just not that close to anyone where social offers and overtures can feel casual or natural.

I truly don't get the people saying they are lonely and they feel like it's too late now for them to change. If you're alive, it's not too late. Again, what are you doing to improve your situation? I cannot stand people who complain about something but seem to be unwilling to put any effort into changing it. The world doesn't owe you anything. You get the life you make for yourself, if you aren't happy then do everything you possibly can to improve. This isn't a dress rehearsal, this is it - make the most of it while you still can.

[quote]I’m always the one initiating conversation and inviting people out to dinner, drinks...

So it goes. Someone has to organize/invite, others have to show up. Those roles are often fairly static in a circle of friends. At present, I'm the one likely to organize a concert or event outing, or a day trip. When I'm not doing that I'm the one who shows up. Some friends at great at having open doors and people just show up or they call a few people to drop by and the rest happens; they almost never organize anything with an actual time of day attached. Other friends people rarely or never organize anything, but they are prized guests you want to see, and they are the ones who run out and buy groceries or drinks when the idea arises, or clean the kitchen after, or play music. There are friends who come in to the city for a night out and stay three days in your guest room and you are sorry to say goodbye to them even if they never instigate activities.

If everything were tit for tat, equal for equal, I'd have few friends and be the poorer for it. Friendship works when you are generous to others and they to you...in their own ways.

I’m never lonely with DL, Grindr and my four dogs

I'm sure your friends aren't that unfortunate looking, R93.

Lonely People. Don't bother with a therapist.

Please contact the Friends Of The Friendless.

R36 Are you straight or gay?

I vibe with r82 in that I don’t feel I have much in common with people. I have always been an introvert and, unfortunately, I don’t care about most people. It’s sad my core group of people is shrinking but they don’t seem to be replaceable.

I have been waiting for this feeling of “lonely” to hit for 50+ years. Never. Only that I want to be alone. I honestly don’t understand what “lonely” feeling is. Maybe I’m Asperger’s that way (otherwise totally not as I get every other range of emotion). I e always only ever wanted to be alone - since I was a kid. Work is misery because I can’t be alone.

Are you people who are lonely extroverts? What is the “lonely” feeling you describe? Is it wanting to talk to someone? Wanting someone to acknowledge you? Care for you?

Maybe it’s because I live in a city too. I just don’t get “lonely”

Feeling lonely isn't solely about being friendless, it's also having a temperament that feels lonely WITH people. A study was done about introverts and people on the spectrum where they interviewed them after a social occasion. Most of the subjects said they had a good time but when they were asked "did you feel like you were being yourself?" they said no. Extraverts said yes.

I'm on the spectrum and that's the way I feel around most people, in addition to feeling drained. (Extroverts feel energized.) At a party few people would suspect I'm not thoroughly enjoying myself and that I'm actually holding my tongue in the fear I'll say something stupid or offensive or start droning on about my latest interests. The only person who understands the way I think is another Aspergers guy. He's my 911 call. If he dies before me I'll be truly alone except for my cat.

R96 well, you probably won't believe me, but even at my age it's kind of hard to answer conclusively, as I'm a virgin and avoidant of intimacy. Best guess--febfem bisexual? Have been attracted to men before, but only a few times on rare occasions, and when it happened, I didn't want to do anything tangible about it as it didn't feel good or congruent. I am more often attracted to women emotionally and physically, and prefer to be. Like I enjoy it when a women flirts with me or chooses to be around me, feeling warm and receptive and excited, whereas I just feel put-off and defensive and bored when a man does the same (and afaik I don't have past trauma with men, just that I don't like them much). If I ever do screw up the courage and find myself in a situation to be sexually intimate with another person, I hope and pray it's a woman who's my first time (bonus points if she's cute, not crazy, and of a similar age or a bit younger).

Have often asked myself whether I could be totally lesbian and repressed thanks to a conservative upbringing (had closeted lesbian family elders/grew up in a tacitly lesbophobic community), and just faking or desperately trying to be attracted to men, but honestly I have had two or three major straight crushes as much as I hate it. My life would probably have been a smidge less confusing and tormented and lonely if I had been 100% lesbian, at least then one group would have had to accept me.

As it is, it seems that I don't fit in anywhere for any reason. Even the misfit nerds and the gay crowd at my schools & College never wanted to know me. I must give off weird unpleasant vibes, or something, though I think of myself as a nice and calm and giving if quiet maybe boring person.

Hope that helps. May I know why you wanted to ask more about my orientation? Does it make a difference to my original answer?

R100 I was curious about your sexuality because you were talking about not knowing if you want to have a child or not. Why do you think that your life would be easier and lesbians would except you if you were totally gay? It's not like all lesbians hate bi women. Especially not the ones that are almost entirely on the gay side. Or you could just like and say that you are gay. Wouldn't be that much of a lie anyway.

R101 many of the lesbians I've met have been biphobic, male-averse or exclusive, preferring platinum-stars, which is fine honestly (in these days of culture wars, it's probably smart to close ranks tbf). This attitude is more prevalent that you'd think, too, check out L-Chat for more on that. I could just date only other bisexuals, but tbh I agree with lesbians that more bi girls than not are only in it for fun or sex and not to have anything like a real relationship. Bi relationships are 3 x the work of gay or straight ones, just because of that, and I barely have the life-force to give to an easy-mode relationship...

And while white lies are fine for superficial casual dating and socialising, it's not a good basis for deep or meaningful friendship or relationship having to lie to people about preferences from the jump. And I'm a bad liar :D When these things come out in the end, it can be really ugly.

As for kids, the only way I can feasibly see myself raising a child without the prospect being fraught or life-consuming is if I helped raise another woman's child, like in a step-mom or foster-mom capacity. I think perhaps I could do that, and maybe if I get my shit together somehow(?) in 10-15 years I could do that. I could only imagine myself having a child with one or two of the men I've ever been attracted to, and I don't really know either of them, plus I'm terrified of childbirth and hospitals, so it wouldn't be a real possibility anyhow. Other posters have advised me against motherhood given the state of my life, and they're probably right for that, though I have to say that if they're men I'm not sure if they can really appreciate the crushing pressure of decision, time and biology women are up against in that respect. It's really immense and quite miserable to grapple with. There's much I like about being female, but not this, never this.

Sorry again to vent, it's a lot talking about this. The interest and advice is really appreciated, though, and I shall look into therapeutic help. I think I need it.

I'm not lonely at all, OP. I hate most people and generally avoid even the ones I like. I loved the lockdown for the pandemic, I didn't have to make excuses not to see people for a long time.

I force myself to see family and friends but I keep it to minimum. I'm not socially awkward at all, people find me to be a funny and charming conversationalist. I'm always so happy when I get home and I don't have to deal with them anymore. People who like to be around other people all the time "worry about me" but I really would rather they left me alone. I'm fine seeing them occasionally and not seeing them the majority of the time. It's my nature.

I am quite lonely but don't really enjoy other people as much as I used to. I am going to a new church this Sunday after years of avoiding them. I will test the waters and see if it's comfortable. I have one close friend atm and making new attachments is not easy for me.

A few years ago I was talking to a broker about getting a policy for home health care - aides. She also brought up assisted living insurance. I asked why people would want to live in dorm style community instead of their own home. She said it's the LONELINESS. I said if I had to live like that I'd stay in my room all day to AVOID all of those people.

[quote] I truly don't get the people saying they are lonely and they feel like it's too late now for them to change. If you're alive, it's not too late.

No, you truly don't get it. You don't get human nature.

Not very

I'm planning to withdraw more and more. I have books to write.

R102, why not freeze some of your eggs? That will take off some of the pressure you're feeling. Then, later, you would still have the option to have a kid...if you want that.

I'm glad to hear you're going to look into therapy.

R102 as someone who works in child welfare - the US is in desperate need of good foster parents. If you get help in therapy, feel stable and still want to be a parent down the line, there many kids out there in need. It’s not easy work but you sound like a kind person and there is something telling you that you want to parent.

Just putting that out there!

Extremely

OP- I would guess a good part of you likes being alone and I think you should think about that.

Sometimes it keeps me up at night thinking that I might become weirder as I sink further into reclusiveness. Like, Alex Jones level weird.

r102, I find it interesting that you said there were two men you were attracted to but yet, didn't know. I'm not sure if anyone has ever told you this, but sexual attraction is on a much deeper level (for women) than just looks. As a lesbian, there are many men I can look at and appreciate their looks but when it comes down to sleeping with someone, there has to be an emotional connection for me. I've never had an emotional connection with a man like I have with women. I'm not a gold star lesbian but the thought of having sex with a man now grosses me out. I think what you are describing is finding someone attractive and not sexual attraction, if that makes sense. Do you consider yourself asexual? I'm wondering this because a lot of what you describe feel asexual to me. If you're a virgin still there is a reason and it isn't that you are not attractive enough or whatever you believe as all you have to do is look around and see many couples who are not what society deems "attractive" and yet they are together. I just wonder if the concept of sex with either gender is scary to you and why, although that isn't really anyone's business. But it's worth looking into for yourself. I'm assuming you masturbate but if you don't that is also something to explore. My guess if I had to make one is that you have experienced something trauma related in your past concerning sex and if that is the case, I recommend EMDR therapy if you can find someone near you that practices it. Take care of yourself and understand that sexuality is complicated but most of us can appreciate good looking people of both sexes. It's who we emotionally connect with that makes the difference between using someone as a human dildo and experiencing the intimacy of a relationship with. Take care of yourself and know that no matter what you are going through, you are not weird or unusual. This life is a journey of discovering ourselves and you're on that path and it's all ok.

R114, it could be social anxiety or extremely low self esteem.

It could be, r115 but it's likely more of an asexuality. I had low self esteem in the past due to weight issues and trauma from childhood (not sexual trauma) but I've had several relationships with women. By my mid 30's I'd been in two LTR with women and had had one brief sexual relationship with a man prior to coming out.

R114/R115/R116 thanks for the thoughtful and detailed feedback, it's useful to consider.

If it helps to know, it's long been suspected by my primary doctors/GPs and my family that I have Asperger's (or ASD of some kind) and mild functional ADHD/OCD. It's often missed or misdiagnosed in women. Though it was clear even in my childhood that there was some kind of processing/sensory disorder going on with me for various reasons, but because I was a high-achieving hyperlexic and communicative child, all my tics and quirks were overlooked, and I wasn't given remedial help or counselling for it. While I coped academically up to a point (College, where I crashed out), emotionally and socially I have always lagged behind peers and struggled with 'basics'--sexual and romantic contact being the largest chunk that's missing.

As time has worn on and the years of my young life have passed, I've felt more and more estranged from 'normal' society because of my lack of experience with and aversion to intimacy, but still I'm not sure if I could claim asexuality as a label or live as an asexual, because I do masturbate, I do engage with sexual content, I understand sexual thinking, and I day/dream about intimacy often (though oddly, I am often not included in those fantasies/daydreams, they are vicarious). In this respect, I am not typically autistic or Aspergic.

There are days I'd love to be held or to hold, to have one special person to talk to and be with and fall asleep with, then I crash back to reality and realise that I can't have that without living through all the other things relationships demand that would stress or agitate me, like sharing a bed/living space or having emotional conflicts or putting up with annoying habits. I may not be bad-looking or mean or uninteresting, but I know my hypersensitivity and routines as well as my lack of sociability and adeptness with relationships would send anyone crazy. It doesn't feel fair to inflict myself on others, or put myself through stress and enduring triggers just to get a hug and a kiss and a warm body sometimes.

[quote] I might become weirder as I sink further into reclusiveness

R113 I worry about the same.

R117. Don't give up. I have my routines as well and have never lived with any of my partners. There are a lot of relationships where the two don't cohabitate for whatever reasons. My best friend is in a straight relationship and she insists on having her own bedroom. It doesn't have to be a certain way for it to work. I think most people need their space...lots and lots of it. I don't think there is anything different about you than most people. You just need to be upfront with people when you meet them and tell them you have a lot of "quirks" and let them know what you are worried about. I bet you would be surprised at how many people would be open to dating you.

Just turned down an invite. Another one to do the same. Man, I'm becoming reclusive more quickly than I thought.

I like a certain amount of loneliness in my life because it means that I can live my own life and I don't have to adjust to anybody's demands or expectations on me. I like my freedom and having my own place. I had some friends and acquaintances that moved away to other states or 11/2 hours outside of the city and it can be a bit lonely when I want to go out for dinner or do other social activities. But usually I really like being by myself.

Reach out to your community, do Volunteer work, local food bank,, foster pets,, help register new voters, etc. Ride a bike, take a daily walk, get a hobby to occupy your time. OP, you just need involvement, or New Friends.

I spend most of my time by myself, and that doesn't bother me.

What does bother me, though, and intensely bothers me, is the stigma attached to being a "loner."

And nobody ever makes a fuss about it. We need a "Loners Unite" movement. (Of course then we wouldn't be loners anymore!)

[quote]I spend most of my time by myself, and that doesn't bother me.

[quote]What does bother me, though, and intensely bothers me, is the stigma attached to being a "loner."

This complaint is frequently expressed at the DL, but if you're so fucking happy or, as you put it, unbothered by spending time away from the company of others, why are you bothered by their opinions? how are you even aware of them?

R124 Ever read the papers you fool and see how "loners" are characterized. Not to mention we're talking social isolation here, not a life as a recluse living in a hermitage. Troll elsewhere.

R124 For example, "The Colorado shooting and the stigma of being a loner."

A few years ago I had an active social life and then I lost my income and had to stop going out and couldn’t afford concerts and hobbies. Covid came the year after and I could not see a couple of good friends and was cautious with another. This is in Australia and our lockdowns were extreme. I tried to keep my few friendships up but they have died a slow death due to two friends moving and one has found another group with which to hang out.

So I’m in my 60’s, my extended family all live in North America and they have their own lives. Didn’t get to watch little Jadyn and Madison grow up and now I am a stranger to my nieces and nephews and their children. Well I had my independent fun and who’s sorry now? Yep, me.

Babs was right and I often find myself ruefully wishing I needed people when I was young and able to make friends easily.

suffice it to say this thread? sooooo felt

The less I meet people, the less I want to meet people.

Yeah thanks to Mr. Holmes I'll never go into a theater again without that nagging sensation one of his homicidal kind might come wandering thru.

You must be very young, R123. Otherwise I don't understand why an adult would give a fuck about the "stigma" of being a loner.

R131 Blah blah blah. (Something at a level you can comprehend.)

[quote]You must be very young, [R123]. Otherwise I don't understand why an adult would give a fuck about the "stigma" of being a loner.

That's a stupid comment.

R127, I find Australia is notorious for creating loneliness. The moving away for work, for buying a house where you can afford it really is tearing families and friendships apart.

Lonely and bitter! But really, he just hates people and doesn't miss them in his life at all. It's just the stigma and the pressure. So victimizing.

I'm probably very lonely but I don't consider myself to be lonely because I don't feel comfortable around people. I feel intense boredom most of the time. My work is boring and I avoid it until I have to do it. I lost interest in reading and movies, I listen to music but mostly it makes me feel sad. I have no friends and my family are quite distant to me. I'm dealing with some very difficult issues right now and I could use some counselling or therapy but the healthcare system in Canada is in crisis, and where I live it's beyond crisis. But lonely I don't know, the only thing I want is a hot guy to have sex with. I won't get that but that's really all I want.

You sound a lot like me r135. I suffer from chronic depression. Please do try and find some help. It’s no good to live like that.

R133, your comment has nothing to do with the comment you find so stupid.

[quote] I don't feel guilt at being unsociable, though I may sometimes regret it because my loneliness is painful. But when I move into the world, it feels like a moral fall, like seeking love in a whorehouse.

--Susan Sontag

You have a friend? I don't have that much.

R139 ikr I was thinking who let this freak with a real friend in here? this site is for friendless unfuckable freaks only pal.

I’ve been always a shy and quiet person most of my life. Was an abused child. I’ve just accepted it. I have my pets. I have good friends at work. But most of my life is spent alone. And I’m OK with it.

I don’t think people realize that for introverts and loners alone time is absolutely essential to our wellbeing. It’s always viewed as strange and unhealthy.

Being alone was always viewed as strange because for centuries you're supposed to get married and have kids. The family was the cornerstone of a 'normal' religious obedient family. Living alone in Islamic countries is frowned upon because you're more easily exposed to things that are seen as haram, esp when a Muslim lives alone in a Western country.

Separate situation from what else I've discussed in this thread...

There was a weird situation with a couple I was friends with. I used to be close to both of them, but then he started to get distant while she seemed to grow closer. OK, that can happen, but then I found out that she was complaining about the time he and I would spend together as well as our frequent phone calls. Yet she was still big into talking to and hanging out with me and got even friendlier during all that. So, did she sabotage her husband's friendship for her own sake? I didn't know how to deal with that. I actually liked him more to be honest. But realistically, I didn't see any way to deal with that that didn't end in me getting hurt since they were a married couple, so I let those friendships drift away. Some people are just... ugh.

Glad to see that I’m not the only one who doesn’t understand “lonely”. I think some of us are just wired that way - introverts generally, who like alone time. I get sick of hearing my mother complain she is lonely - for 20 years. I used to feel sympathy but now I realize it’s just the neediness of an extrovert. It’s not my problem to fix your loneliness - learn to accept being alone like I do.

Looking at your other posts, OP, I can see why nobody wants to be around you.

R127

You could still be in touch with your family if you really wanted to be. Ever hear of FaceTime?

Don't fall for the trap that what they have is better. Your former friends have decided to go role play as straight people with marriages, kids, and tedious suburban lifestyles. Trust me...they aren't happy. They'd rather be laughing with their friends at a coffee shop or dancing at the newest club. As a community, we tricked ourselves into believing that if we could just have what straight people have, we'd be happy...but the secret is that they were never happy either.

Enjoy your freedom and find some friends that are interested in the same activities. But forever recognize that friendship is almost always temporary.

[quote]Your former friends have decided to go role play as straight people with marriages, kids, and tedious suburban lifestyles. Trust me...they aren't happy. They'd rather be laughing with their friends at a coffee shop or dancing at the newest club.

Yes, it couldn't possibly be that different people are fulfilled by different things.

am lonely lonely lonely
 I am lonely lonely in my life
 I am lonely lonely lonely
 God help me help me to survive

there was another thread about being lonely yesterday but it disappeared? i wanted to say this: when i'm lonely i use the iheart app on my phone/or computer and i do things around the house while listening to talk radio. i listen to 104.1 on the iheart app. i'll have the "morning monsters show" on in the am then afternoons with the newsjunkies and then right after that the jim colbert show with jim and deb and gang and it's just a bunch of folks talking and laughing and it feels like you have people over. all those shows have talkback options too so sometimes they play listener comments on air. especially the news junkies with their "dispatches" you can record things via your computer mic on their website after you signup. doing crafts or chores with talkradio can make the lonely blues go away cause the topics make you laugh & entertain and distract you...and you get stuff done too!

fold your laundry to this:

Lonely People

OP, you are me and I am you. One of the harshest life lessons I've learned is that being single sucks for most of us. Full credit to those who can date themselves and all that but it doesn't work for me. I wish I had found and kept love and perhaps even parented.

OP I am so lonely that I'm actually considering befriending some of the middle-aged autistic freaks in my volunteer group. I'm 30 and agoraphobic and an emotionally unstable lateblooomer to put it generously and yet these people make me look completely well-adjusted.

R145, I'm going through that, too. My father died over a decade ago and my grandparents followed closely after that and my mom has been a shell of a woman since all of that. She still has a few friends that she'll go out with once or twice a week but her best friend moved away to live closer to her child and, now, all she ever does is complain about how she's lonely or doesn't have enough money to go on trips or spruce up the house. Who she's sprucing up the house for is anyone's guess. I visit her a few times a week, but she's a fully capable woman. She even goes to a church book club every week. She just has no idea how to be alone.

For me, being alone is a privilege. The minute I close that door to my apartment and it's just my dog and I, it's as if I can finally breathe again. It gives me life-sustaining nourishment to step into the air conditioning, make a little dinner, and watch some TV or read a book. I've always been this way ever since I was a kid. I can feel lonelier in a huge crowd than when I'm by myself. Even if I adore you, I don't want to spend every waking moment with you. I go insane without alone time. I guess my mom is the opposite.