How old is too old to start over with your life?

What do I buy my master for Xmas? Gotta be special

I think the emotional closeness is the most important issue—not that sex should be expected to stop at 52. I’m 65 and my husband is 84. Not much works down there and ED meds aren’t smart given various other medical issues, and cognition has begun to decline for him. I still want to have him for another ten years. He’s still the person I love and have loved most in my life. We got together when he was 58, so 52 is not too late for you.

Get him on Wegovy, then have him check his testosterone levels after he reaches optimal weight and get that corrected as well if it's needed.

I'd say invest in your husband, you can still turn this around with the man you have, especially with some couples therapy. Otherwise, there's a very real possibility you'll end up alone if you give all this up for a (distant) prospect of more sex.

Also, you didn't mention if your husband is open to the idea of you playing around with others? Or maybe just an occasional threesome to spice things up a bit? Would that be enough for you?

You only get one life. Put some real time into thinking about how best to spend it, with a therapist if you don’t have one already. This is a tough decision.

As long as you have breath it’s not too late

Any time you want- just understand the consequences- if you have single friends make sure that lifestyle is more appealing than being with your husband. If it's not get into therapy.

I far prefer to be single. I was with my husband for 20 years, but we separated. Such a relief tbh.

Do you really need sex at 52? Sounds like you are blessed with an otherwise good life. As long as you have mutual love and communication.

[quote] I’m just bored and am thinking about other men a lot more recently.

Are these "other men" attainable, OP? Are they in your age range?

Sounds like you will only leave your husband if you think you can find a younger replacement right away.

Agree with you, R8.

Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. Why is there this huge, constant emphasis on sex? Crack whores have sex. Trailer park trash on Jerry Springer have sex. Ghetto hood rats have sex. It's not like it's some exclusive club like Studio 54 where only a select few get in.

At the age of 51, alone, financially ruined and facing a grim medical reality (recent injuries topped up with developing conditions) OP might have to pardon me for wishing I had his fucking problems.

When two mismatched people glue a partnership together with sex, when the sex dries up, there's no glue left to hold the partnership together.

Op, think twice or more, before you get too carried away.

Why don’t you talk to him about being friends instead of partners? He may be fine with that. BTW, This is why I am completely uninterested in marriage.

Finding people that you love and that love you back is not easy. Be sure before you throw in the towel. What about a couples therapy? What you have is what so many of us dream of having. Best of luck to you.

R10 It sounds like no one ever wants to have sex with you. Try to just be less hideous or fat. Sex is pretty fun.

The dating market:

250 lbs is significantly overweight, even at 6'2". Losing weight and being more active should at least improve the sex drive, but also help avoid coronary disease and diabetes risk.,

I started a relationship, moved countries, married, retired, and changed most things in my life from my mid-50s, and am very happy.

It didn't happen from looking for any of those things but from being open to a future that wasn't set in stone. What you want can happen, but willing it to happen does not help at all.

Why do you have to be that way, r11? I’m sorry for your problems but they’re not the only problems in the world that matter … just because they may be more serious than another person’s problems.

#11 needs his own thread. Wow.

There’s no age limit. If your relationship isn’t working for you and he’s not interested in changing, only you can say whether or not it’s worth settling for that.

I’m sorry, r11. I work in healthcare…maybe I can can give you advice? Would you like us to start a thread for you? I’m not being sarcastic, I know that I’m a whiny bitch. A whiny bitch that needs to have good sex at some point, but I understand that things could be worse. How can we help?

Your husband sounds like a veritable giant, OP.

And R11 sounds like such a poor, poor suffering person. I would give him half my fly if he is hungry.

OP it’s a risky move to leave your partner. 52 isn’t old, but it’s also not young. If something were to happen to you health wise - would he be there? Drive you to appointments? Support you? If so - think carefully before you blow up your life because you’re bored and fantasizing about other men.

Especially since you don’t sound like you loathe him, if anything you seem to like him. You said you get along fine. As someone said upthread - invest in your relationship. 19 years is significant. It would be different if you were saying you are walking on eggshells constantly, you can’t stand the sight of him, you fight all the time, etc. But what you wrote seems pretty common and quite tame for most longterm relationships?

As someone who is single, I would like to be in your situation. Dating is rough.

The grass is always greener. Don’t let some fantasizing and idealizing being single fuck up your life.

Most people can't successfully start over at your age. It takes a certain mindset and personality. Keep living the life so many of us want or at least want until we get it.

Op you say you're 52 but how old is your husband?

Who wants to be single with this perpetually on apps generation of gay men and in this economy? Fuck that.

Single people wish they were attached and married people wish they were single.

Have you gone to therapy yet, I would go to a therapist first to see if there’s anything else going on. You can also try couple’s counseling to see if you can get the spark back or to discuss going outside the marriage. There has to be a compromise somewhere. He should try counseling on his own as well, it would likely be suggested in couple’s therapy. 19 years is a long time, so you should try to see what’s going on emotionally before just walking away. That’s a very impulsive reaction. Is there already someone else you might be thinking of that is leading you to skip the couple’s therapy route?

I wouldn't do it, OP! Dating is hard as fuck. All my friend, gay and straight, from 35-45 are all finding dating and especially LTR very hard to come by especially post COVID. Someone who is Ivy League educated, has a great job, and is handsome said that you are invisible on the apps at 50+ because everyone filters you out. Times and the dating scene, I believe, have changed very much over post COVID. Anyone you would want to fuck probably has a laundry list a mile high. You have a house, travel, have a solid relationship - this is what everyone wants. If you want to be single to be single and start your life over, that is one thing. Don't do it expecting to find another relationship. I am not saying you won't or it is impossible, but the odds aren't in your favor. It seems like sex is the main ingredient missing in an otherwise comfortable marriage. Maybe it's time to explore opening things up or doing things discretely with a high end sex worker or hook up when you are out of town. People are so quick to throw things away these days. I think you might be in for a shock.

Midlife crisis. Go guy a new car or something. You have a good life.

R31: definitely agree with the advice to only leave if you’re happy to be single. Don’t leave expecting ‘better sex and a closer emotional connection’ with someone else immediately, soon or ever. Of course it could happen so you have to work out if this will eat away at you till you ultimately do leave. So better now than at 60 or 70.

Agree with the other posters who say try counselling first too, couples and you’re own. If you’re not sure use the one-on-one counselling to work out what you want and what’s important to you relationship/love/sex-wise if you aren’t totally sure. Also, talk to your husband about it. Maybe he feels the same?

Personally I would need a close emotional connection with someone to be in a relationship, otherwise what’s the point. Did you ever have that and can you get it back?

If OP's husband is 32 there's a problem. He's tired of OP's saggy old ass and is getting action elsewhere.

I feel for you OP. Similar thing happens with me, only that we have had really serious issues last years, as if we suddenly drifted apart. I started thinking about some hook ups on the down low and formed a secret profile on app, but am still just peeping.

I say look before you leap. Try going on a holiday for a few weeks alone. See if you miss him, or feel lonely. Don't throw what you have away without at least some exploration of the life you will have without him. You aren't 30 anymore.

OP Do you share other forms of intimacy? Any shared hobbies or interests? Does he make you laugh, or make you feel loved?

Go hook up.

Same here OP. 53 - and after 21 years the issues that were always there seem to have become deal breakers. Maybe full time togetherness has highlighted them and made it hard to ignore the character deficits. Also I had a serious illness last year and he was not very attentive or caring. We’ve never believed in traditional relationship - including sex or marriage. So there is a lot of flexibility. But this summer, after a number of fun and engaging hookups, I began to seriously consider just ending it.

I understand 20+ years is a lot of history. But then I can’t stop thinking “Is this the person I want at my bedside when I’m sick and dying?” His easygoing, fun personality was fine when we were young - but in our 50s, it just seems irresponsible and immature. I want someone reliable - not fun.

The hookups I’ve had are with younger guys - which I consciously know are not good dating material. So the risk others point out is real - you have to face you may never have another partner.

So the question - as the old song says - is: Are you better off alone?

All you mention is sex and that you get along 'fine'. It doesn't sound like you're in love with him, or even particularly like him. Have you actually had an open honest conversation about what you're feeling, and whether this is a relationship worth saving?

In my opinion, invest in what you've already invested in for so long since there isn't anything egregious going on.

Sounds like current situation is fixable.

After some initial great sex, a youngin might fleece you financially and then take off for greener pastures while leaving you headed alone towards retirement and declining health.

You're having a midlife crisis. Buy a sports car and go out and have fun with your partner.

R2 I can't decide if that's sweet and admirable and awesome, or just kind of weird and slightly gross and sad. Not trying to be a bitch, but honestly I feel both ways about it.

Maybe it's the 19-year age gap. That's a huge generational and cultural chasm, at any age. Respect to R2 for making it work and finding happiness, but like, what do you talk about? How do you connect?

And doesn't taking care of him in his dotage feel like looking after an ailing father? Plenty of people have Dads who became fathers at around age 20 (mine was 29, but I'm aware that's probably not the historical norm).

I'm 57 and my sex life has been over since my mid 40's. My then boyfriend lost interest and you can't really force sex on someone who isn't interested. I just stopped trying and a couple of years ago, whatever kept us together ended and we split. I still think about having a lover and sex but I know the chances are remote and I'm not sure that I want to pay for it. It's terrible for gay men when this happens. So much of our lives have been defined by sex and not having a family , kids etc. I am at the end of my rope I don't see life as worth living if it's just this dull, slow march to the grave.

Hmmm. Most older women I know get a new lease on life when their husbands die or leave or lose interest, taking toyboys or reconnecting with friends/community, or going on trips or taking up fitness/new hobbies. Maybe take a leaf out of the cougar playbook.

Sex is (or should be) a big part of intimacy with a partner. It's not just two animals fucking. Your bf needs to lose weight, exercise and feel good about his body -- that will make him hornier. If he won't do that, it's an admission that he doesn't want that level of intimacy with you. Then the hard decision: do you stay or do you go?

My partner and I are middle-aged and have perhaps the best sex of our lives together. We're both fit and understand that we'd lose something very important in our relationship if it were no longer physical. I'm not sure we'd stay together. We're not dead yet.

This thread is relatable and I appreciate all the genuine responses. I'm about to turn 50, carry some extra pounds, and my husband (together 16 years total) is a little bit younger, a little less overweight but also less than a fit specimen. We've never had an awesome sex life, although we've had our moments, and there's still a lot of intimacy and tenderness when we get together. But we're generally on a 2-3 times per month kind of schedule these days.

I have the greater sex drive of the two of us. I jerk off a lot and have had an anonymous dalliance here and there, nothing serious. We were both fat kids in our teens and into our 20s, and we've both dealt with a lot of body image issues over the years. When we first found each other, there was very much a sense of -- Finally, someone else who understands! We still get along great, enjoy each other's company, are intertwined in every way possible, all that.

Despite that, I admit I've had fleeting thoughts of -- what if I got out? I was largely celibate before we met, and never got to have a slut phase like so many gay men. But it seems like there'd be something particularly sad about trying to undertake that at 50. And ultimately, I won't throw away everything we've built together for an occasional really good orgasm.

I'm actually starting therapy this week because I've been dealing with some midlife stuff the last couple years, and my substance use has gotten a little problematic at times. One of the things on my list of stuff I want to take up with my therapist is sex life issues.

I don't know if I have a point here, OP, except to echo what others have said, which is please be sure that what you'd be throwing away is superior to what you'd be getting in return.

R11- What is your dire medical condition?

Stay and work it out.

Mid-50s and partnered here. I recently made a remark to my similarly partnered friends about the infrequency of my sex life and they all were like, please! Who among us is having much sex these days???

Wanna suggest longterm edging & denial, but have a feeling that it may work better for straight women & lesbians, due the nature of the female body and desire nature (takes longer to get/stay aroused, lower libido generally). Still, anticipation, uncertainty, heightened sensitivity and the like all contribute to the overall erotic experience of sex and life more generally, so it couldn't hurt to try.

Get your Monkey Pox shot. Hire an escort. Go hog wild! Keep your man.

This is why I found Uncoupled with NPH on Netflix interesting. Addresses this very question. Lots of unrealistic stuff - but at least brings attention and discussion to the challenge of getting divorced as a middle aged gay man. Something gays never had to deal with before.

I think finding a LT partner in your 50s is rare - though definitely not impossible. But I think it’s always a question of “are you better off alone?” Interesting so many here think the answer is “No”. Good for me to hear - as I’ve been debating for the past year. I don’t think being single is horrible. And I don’t think you can assume your partner will care for you in old age.

[quote] I was largely celibate before we met, and never got to have a slut phase like so many gay men. But it seems like there'd be something particularly sad about trying to undertake that at 50.

Am contemplating how to break virginity/celibacy and have a 'slut phase' at 30, but really lack the courage and drive and confidence (physical and otherwise).

I'm 57 years old and single- I've never been in a relationship- which I regret. I generally take very good care of myself- I walk every day and lift weights and eat a lot of produce and only binge on sweets once in a while. I go to a bathhouse once every few weeks- I do manage to get some action every time- a lot of the guys I have sex with I'm not attracted to but since I mostly just get blowjobs it doesn't matter that much as long as they're good at the blowjob.

I know it sounds cliche but it's never too late OP.

Heck Jimmy Carter & Tony Bennett both won Grammys in their 90s.

^ but try some relationship counseling first OP.

You should let your guy know you're not as happy as you once was

& see if he changes anything before you head out the door.

I'm 10 years younger, OP, but you've pretty much described me. Everything about our relationship is great except the sex.

I get the advice that you only live once, but the grass is always greener.

I have had no sex with my darling husband since years, but we really enjoy our company otherwise. We have a don’t ask don’t tell policy for outside sex and it works well for us. Together since 19 years and no desire to break up.

OP do you have Neptune/Pisces/12th house or Uranus/Aquarius/11th house in significant strong areas of your relationship star chart?

Those configurations are both considered 'higher' levels of love, beyond base animal lust; sort of like the 'angelic' level of the astrological wheel.

R59 how do you and your partner show intimacy or spend quality time without sex? Is it a lot of cuddling and smooching and watching movies? Cooking dinner? Long walks and heartfelt conversations?

R61 you forget lighting the pumpkin spice candle together

OP why’d you have to go and tell Datalounge how much your husband weighs? You had to have known it was toxic catnip to them.

You had to have known.

If all you are missing is sex then start hiring escorts on the side. All this drama over getting laid, it's easy.

You should definitely leave, OP. After all, there's no shortage of men willing to stick their dicks in 52 year old anuses - that's why old gay men are so happy and content with their lives - so I'm sure you'll find the younger man of your dreams.

R65- Maybe he's a HOT older TOP

Open up the relationship! No need to throw the baby out with the bath water. You have a copacetic relationship with your partner and that's really difficult to find. Keep it, and open up a window a little bit.

Seriously why are you and your husband obsessed with monogamy OP. That's for boring straight people.

R71 we wrestle and we spoon. But we really are not into eating ass anymore.

About your age, OP

R55 you sound hot. I love servicing men around your age.

You could find a partner if you wanted one.

R47: your questioning of your relationships sounds like it’s all sex-based rather than missing anything else (you get along great, ‘intertwined’ in every other way, etc) and you mention you’ve had some anonymous dalliances in the past.

You also say you won’t give everything up with your partner for a few really good orgasms. It sounds like you don’t have to.

So why not just continue as you are with a few more anonymous dalliances if you’re both ok with that?

OP = Yes. Go start your whole life over. I have a feeling your boyfriend puts up with a lot of your BS.

I swear to god I have read this exact post before here on DL.

Anyway: OP, R4 hits the nail on the head. You only have one life; and though you're not old, you're no spring chicken, either. Nothing wrong with that, just something to keep in perspective.

You can choose for what sounds like a respectful and very comfortable agreement, or you try your luck to find greener pastures. Keep in mind you won't be the first to do so, and certainly not the first to "return to sender" once you get a taste of what's out there.

Either way, talk as openly as you can about this with your partner. Ask him if he isn't missing anything in the relationship, if this is truly all he aspires to in the realm of love?

I wish you the best of luck.

Oh come on R44, Get Back into Life!

[quote] Despite that, I admit I've had fleeting thoughts of -- what if I got out?

This is your "id" calling--the streak of self-destruction we all have.

Both you and the OP should go to couple's counseling.

R99 also:

[quote] Niagara falls and the pyramids/Everything you believed in as kids/Fucking rainbows after it rains/There's enough miracles here to blow your brains/I fed a fish to a pelican at (Friscal?) bay/It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away/Magic everywhere in this bitch (shit’s crazy)

They couldn't figure out what "Friscal bay" could have possibly been, R78? Hm? How many places start with 'frisc' and have a big ol' bay?

R71- You're probably right. My friend once said I never tried hard enough to meet Mr. Right.

Another mostly sexless 22 year old partnership with a don’t ask don’t tell sexual agreement. I’ve never equated sex and love. Alway thought it was chick thing - though there are clearly many DLers who have romantic delusions about monogamy as the only basis of a “true” relationship.

Money, mental health, reliability, kindness are important. Sex is like pissing - a physical urge that needs to be relieved occasionally. And becomes almost irrelevant the older you get. Horrible basis for a relationship.

[quote]I’ve never equated sex and love.

There are different kinds of love. Ancient Greek, for example, recognizes the difference between eros and philia. The love you have for your mother is and should be different than the love you have for your spouse/partner. When they become the same sort of love, something has died in your relationship. Or your family relationship is fucked up!

I'm heading into my mid-30's and having the same problem. I love my partner, but the sex has never been the best. He's a little over a decade older than I am and still has weird rigid ideas about relationships. He was a sexual abuse survivor, so our sex life has never been the best. He once tried to bottom for me, but cried the whole time and he's never been able to keep himself hard while he's fucking me. He doesn't want to talk about it at all and has mentioned disdain for others who have open relationships. We haven't had sex in close to two years, so I survive off of porn.

He's also gained a lot of weight and seems uninterested in any self-improvement. He certainly can't expect me to resign myself to a sexless life in my 30's. That seems insane. If he'd just agree to open up the relationship since he seems to have no interest in fucking me, maybe things would get better.

R83 sorry, but, why do you love your partner? He sounds kind of awful and sad and pitiful and self-involved....

So many people stay with partners they 'love' out of repressed guilt or a sense of martyrdom, js. My Mom is one of those, putting up with my deadbeat dad for decades.

Frankly if you still want to be with your partner but he won't have sex then you need to do what needs to be done r83. If he won't give you any sexual satisfaction after you have asked you have every right to seek it out without him knowing. It's a better option for your partner than you just leaving him, and it's not fair to you to be a 30 something expected to live a life without any sex.

R85- He can always sublimate his sexual desires into stuffing his face with Ice Cream, Pizza and Cheese Doodles and in so doing become a proud , out

FAT WHORE.

R83 that sounds very difficult, I’m sorry. And you’re young. And you don’t mind dating older men. You could probably find someone who would fuck you and stay hard….. just saying.

R83, you are too young for all of that drama. Your partner needs therapy. It sounds like he is going to be hurt and angry if you even suggest opening up the relationship. I actually feel really bad for him…it must be a horrible way to go through life with all of that baggage.

R44 - Call me.

No one's answered the OP's question, so I will.

31.

OP, there’s no age limit; you can upend your life and start fresh whenever you want.

No, there’s no guarantee that leaving your partner will lead to some idyllic romance with a new man. But that should never be the motivation for leaving. If you leave, it should be because your dissatisfaction with the current relationship outweighs your satisfaction.

Tough question. Can you be honest with yourself and take stock?

I’m pretty content as an older single guy. Sure, I get lonely and miss companionship, but I do pretty well on my own. Not everyone seems cut out for the single life, though.

I know in DL years anything over 50 is ancient. I don’t buy it. You could have decades ahead of you. I’m guessing if you felt compelled to post, that your life as it is now seems like drudgery.

Good luck to you.

I’ll take a stab -42. If you get yourself in shape, you can still find a husband. 45 starts to become difficult. 50 is possible but I’d say it’s borderline unlikely.

I’d say don’t buy into the toxic idea that we’re all dead after 40 or 50 or whatever as gay men. It might true if you’re hoping to meet a 25 year old in an equal-footing relationship and we all joke about it but don’t make that your reality by treating the gay scene (what’s left of it) or hook up/dating apps as you’re one source of meeting people. Find hobbies you’re interested in and join groups, volunteer, etc, all the usual stuff people recommend in these types of posts. Veering off OP’s main topic there a bit but it’s never too late to meet someone new, if you’re looking in/putting yourself in the right places and frame of mind.

R93- Andrew Holleran once said that people who want to be in relationships are.

R94: interesting quote as I can see both sides. A lot of my single friends are very keen to be in relationships and I think that’s partly why they aren’t. It’s a cliche but the best way to meet someone is being happy single and happy with yourself. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who isn’t a little put off at even a hint of desperation.

[quote]OP: How old is too old to start over with your life?

The key word here for you is "over," OP.

My guess?.....OP is a Sugar Daddy Wannabe. Probably on a McDonalds budget. Your poor clueless idiot BF....

R93, I actually think it's easier to find someone in their 20s if you're in your 40s and 50s.

I'm in my mid 40s. No one near my age has any interest me anymore. The very same men who lusted after me for years now totally ignore me. Some of them are really good friends! And they're super honest about it. Which is cool. I understand how it works: They want younger men. Younger men want daddy. Viola! Everyone is happy.

I have no interest in younger guys so that equation doesn't work for me. But man I was I could change my type. It'd be easy pickings.

R93, I actually think it's easier to find someone in their 20s if you're in your 40s and 50s.

I'm in my mid 40s. No one near my age has any interest me anymore. The very same men who lusted after me for years now totally ignore me. Some of them are really good friends! And they're super honest about it. Which is cool. I understand how it works: They want younger men. Younger men want daddy. Viola! Everyone is happy.

I have no interest in younger guys so that equation doesn't work for me. But man I was I could change my type. It'd be easy pickings.

OP? If money is absolutely no object than I guess you always have options. However, firstly, you have to go through a horrible breakup/divorce. If you’re not independently wealthy, it’ll take you 6 - 8 years to stabilise your new lifestyle. So you’ll be on the far side of your 50s by then. This could also be affected by inevitable health problems - which you’d better be prepared to fully recover from, if you really want to start a new life.

Your new life could just leave you old and alone, which suits many. You would be without your partner, at least. Again, unless you’re capable financially of some “just add water” new life.

Not telling you what to do but why not just hook up and play around on the side? That said, if you really don’t like your life, do something about it.

I did this when I was 46. I have no regrets, not even about the relationship I left after 17 years. But I also accept I’m unlikely to be in a relationship again. I enjoy my life and have accomplished much since then but, y’know, it’s not for sissies. Alone is alone.

I restart my life every decade. I evaluate, reposition and redirect.

R95 interesting you say that. From a friendship perspective, I find that to be an annoying catch-22 that I can’t twist to my advantage.

More granularly: when I’m in one of my loner phases and don’t want anybody frequent around, everyone’s all up in my face trying to find out what I’m doing or get my attention or hang out, yet when I’m in a more sociable open phase and approach/want to be approached, suddenly everyone is busy or disinterested and put off.

The majority of people can be so easily manipulated by the push-pull dynamic, it’s actually scary. It only doesn’t work well on people like me who rarely want others around and don’t tolerate reindeer games.

[quote] Viola! Everyone is happy.

Yes, r102. In the words of the great poet, George Michael, “It’s the ones who resist that we most want to kiss, wouldn’t you say”?

There have been plenty of threads on DL and on reddit about people who met their partners later in life. The stories are lovely and people seem satisfied and well-suited to one another and it's all very heart warming etc.

That being said... the key is that you need to have the right attitude about a relationship - which is what everyone on here has basically been saying.

I don't think I have the right attitude and I'm doubtful whether I can get there. Sigh. MARY!

But OP if you have the right attitude - you are not too old to start over. But damn it seems hard to put yourself out there in general, not to mention all the challenges everyone has been listing re: dating over the age of 40.

R105- I NEVER found it easy at any age for me to put myself out there. What is the right attitude that you don't feel you have?

OP, have threesomes. If he refuses, enjoy sex with others. Talk to him about it. Likely, he's just as bored as you are. He might like the idea.

OP, are you better off with him, or without him?

R106 - same lol.

I think the “right attitude” means genuinely wanting a relationship rather than preferring to be on your own. Even the times in my life when I have claimed to want a partner - I think deep down I liked my life the way it was and I felt that adding another person into the mix would just make everything more difficult.

I have friends who were single and got into relationships and I always felt like the difference was that they were more excited by the prospect of finding a partner, seemed to be interested in more people, and found the whole process of getting to know someone valuable, etc.

I’m also deeply introverted though - so what do I know?

I’ll say 85 yrs old

I'm the same R109. I would say going out and meeting new people is probably my least favorite activity in life. Worse than a colonoscopy.

R107 = Ghost of Jerry Weintraub

Yes r111 - I talk to friends who are dating and I can’t get over how they genuinely seem to enjoy meeting new people and find a lot of people attractive and interesting and want to date them. I am repulsed and bored by most people (I never say this publicly but between us - that’s the truth). I realize this is due to some fucked up psychology on my part - I’m clearly the asshole - but more power to the people who have good attitudes and can get into positive romantic relationships. It’s a very good quality to have and I respect it.

R109/R111/R113 add me to the picky crew :D

Won't speak for you lot, but for me I'm starting to suspect it's untreated/diagnosed ADHD or/and ASD that makes me so impatient with others and often uninterested in or by them. Relationships for me tend to either feel overwhelming stressful (in rare cases where I like someone) or absolutely banal and a chore (the common reaction), no in-between. The worst types of people for me are small-talkers or those who never change interests or lifestyles--before now I've caught myself physically and dramatically looking at my watch around such people (yes, I know I need to learn to be less of a passive-aggressive asshole).

The only exception for me is my sister, who is a patient lovely empathetic person who has had 25 years to learn my ways and moods so she can navigate them, and we can actually enjoy each other's company. She's the only real friend I have tbh, and if anything happened to her (knock on wood) I'd be lost and distraught. It worries me that I have this dependence on her friendship, and I know I need to build other real relationships, but every attempt I make doesn't work or last longterm.

While I'm asocial and reclusive by nature, and I often get prejudged harshly for seeming disinterested, most strangers want to get to know me after meeting me...up until they first catch me on a bad day or at a stressful moment or when I'm distracted/overwhelmed, and then I don't see them again for dust (which is fair, I wouldn't stick around either). It's like, I can't balance the stressors of day-to-day life with also having relationships? That feels like insurmountable work to me, and I have no idea how people do it.

What about 61?

R36 offers good advice but as a true EG (late 60s), I started over when I retired at 65. Found new interests, discovered new friends, fucked like a monkey, enjoyed myself (and others!), and am still at it. One word of advice, money helps.

You made your bed, now lie in it with or without sex.

Once you’re 19, you can’t start over.

I'm guessing most of the replies haven't left their fallout shelters since the 50s.

OP has never expressed how his partner feels about the situation, which seems self-centered. It's possible that the partner just isn't into him, perhaps because OP is dull and/or selfish -- both of which are unattractive. Is the partner already getting some action on the side?

After becoming single at age 50 when a 27-year long relationship ended, I eventually became a slut, which was like having a second job. "Dated" or kissed (using those terms loosely) a few dozen men, most of whom were frogs, with one or two princes who were unattainable or unsustainable. Maybe four. Didn't get any STI's but my heart was broken once again. Badly. That's the risk.

Met my current partner four years ago. Am now 61, he's 65. We're both fat and not in good health. We fuck at every opportunity, which is physically challenging and takes time. Viagra is great, but then you have to spend all day having repeated sex, which doesn't get the bills paid or the dishes done. But the ecstasy and passion and sleazy joy is no different from when I was much younger. (Sorry to subject any fragile DL readers to this unsavory eldergay imagery). We're both still working, but not for long -- and then what? Maybe a few more good years. We watch too much porn and are open to group sex because... who cares? Once everyone has spooged, it's time to go bowling or fire up the BBQ and reminisce about all the fun or shitty things you've done in life, anyway.

You can start over at anytime in life.

OP - you say that you think you and your husband still get along after 19 years. My ex-partner and I did not get along after 10 years, the sex became bad-to-non-existent, but I think I still loved him, which was also related to my fear of being single. He became somewhat emotionally and financially dependent upon me, but lost sexual interest in me. That last sentence was hard to type. He's into much younger guys. He's become old, fat, and bald (not anyone's fault) and is now married to someone 20-25 years his junior who seems to have some issues -- as we all do. But they are an adorable couple and seem very happy to be together. We should have split up sooner. If you still like your partner and care about each other, why not drop LSD or take magic mushrooms together and shake things up? See where you land. Get sex toys and a jug of baby oil. Go to town. Put away the lawn mower and hire two "masseurs"? 6'2" and 250lbs sounds like a stud to me. If there's still no connection, then you're done. Start over. You might be doing HIM a favor, too. Just know that if you're lucky enough to live to get old, you WILL be OLD. And then you will get even older.

Time passes whether you're happy or not.

[quote]It’s a cliche but the best way to meet someone is being happy single and happy with yourself. [bold]I don’t think I’ve met anyone who isn’t a little put off at even a hint of desperation.

R95 win the "Truer words..." award.

OP, you have gotten some very wise advice here. Here is my contribution - second marriages for straight people have a very high failure rate, 67%. Now, gay partnerships do not have the same stressors - blended families, resentful children, paying alimony and/or child support, interfering in-laws - but some of the predictors of failure are the same: loneliness, dislike or fear of being alone, not knowing the new spouse long enough, all leading to jumping too soon into a doomed relationship. Plus, being too inflexible (set in your ways), health problems, difficulty with sexual performance, too much baggage from the past.

So if you ditch your current relationship, be prepared to end up alone.

My advice to you is to get a monkey pox vaccine and pay a high-quality, clean, discreet escort for sexual gratification.

Good luck to you, and to others here who are struggling..

R120= Elton John and David Furnish

I would guess, 14.

R120 love what you wrote. And your unsavory eldergay imagery (lol) is fantastic. More power to you and your partner.

R120 Great advice and obviously sincere. I'm curious if you have a partner now or are enjoying discreet relationships?

R126: he says ‘met my current partner’ and talks about their relationship in a fair amount of detail.

r125, thanks! Sending hugs.

r126, he's now my long-distance fiance, who will be retiring soon and move in with me (on my side of the country where we don't shovel snow). We met randomly and then started making these plans only a few months later, and now it's coming up to the date, almost four years later! Hope to get a larger place so that we can have some personal space and room for guests. We've both been in unhappy relationships and are keeping our expectations grounded.

Just start an Only Fans to supplement your income or take take in laundry.

My 53 year old friend posted on Facebook about how many of his friends are miserable in their relationships. His take is that we are ALL fucked up, and people are sold a fairy tale that doesn’t exist…that you should just be happy if you have someone to love you, and you make things worse. I wonder if this generation is having worse mid life crisis situations because of social media.

R130 my dad in his early-mid 60s is similarly nihilistic. In fact, he’s basically dead behind the eyes. Everyone is out to get him, the entire world has gone to the dogs, love doesn’t exist, nothing saves, etc. And he tells people this daily.

There are days I have to bite my tongue after yet another of his droning grit-teeth miserable rants, and stop myself saying “just kill yourself, then.” I’ve had extreme bouts of depression myself, so I get where he’s coming from and do have some empathy, but the difference is I did therapy/mindset reflection work and put in the effort of cognitive restructuring to become more emotionally resilient, where he has just wallowed in misery for the past fifteen years because therapy is for weak pussies. I can’t stand it.

Sometimes I worry too that my Mom may be put in harms’ way one day by his apparently-unresolvable pain, should it reach fever pitch, but she doesn’t listen to my pleas to leave for her own safety. Like many Frauen, she thinks she can fix him with the power of appeasement and good cooking, or something. She even pays his damn bills, he hasn’t had a formal well-paying job since 2009 (he now works informal yard/construction under-the-table).

It depends on what you mean by start over too.

A lot of women get dumped by their husbands for a younger woman, they don’t have any choice. They’re forty and older and have to start over, and they have to start over without much money or income potential when they’re pretty old. And a lot of those women know chances are that no decent, employed man will have them because they’re not fertile any more.

A woman I know who divorced in her early fifties, was very fit and and attractive, for her age. When she went out into the dating scene she found men her age looking for women ten or twenty years younger, especially if they had money. If she wanted a guy with a decent amount of money, she was going to have to look at guys twenty years older. This meant a fifty year old having to date seventy or eighty year old guys. There were no guys her age that wanted to date women their own age, that had good jobs and were moderately successful. She didn’t want to be Jerry Hall to some ancient Rupert Murdoch. And when I say good looking, I’m not kidding. Boob job, nose fixed, washboard stomach. Tiny. Face is still good and she looks great in a bikini. And if she wants to date again, it’s going to have to be with a guy old enough to be her father, with one foot in the grave.

This is why a lot of older women just quit dating. If you are fifty or sixty, people looking for love are either recent widowers or there’s something wrong with them. A lot of them can’t support themselves.

If you don’t mind being alone, perhaps with a warm circle of friends, you can get away from an unhappy situation and find some peace in living alone and doing as you please. But if you want to be partnered, think twice.

I think Covid has a lot to do with this too, a lot of people have taken themselves off the market for one reason or another. Now they work remotely, maybe they’ve relocated out of the city. Some people have health issues and they’ve just cocooned themselves indoors or with a close circle of friends and family. Others unfortunately, have long Covid and they’re not up to anything. Long Covid is going to affect more and more people, they say repeated cases are slowly debilitating many people.

I’m single and this last year I’ve planned to relocate. It means a great upheaval for me, and I’ve taken stock of what we know about the future into my plans. We know Covid will continue. We now know many will be disabled at least partially because of it. We know because of climate change, future blackouts and power issues may become commonplace. We know rents will continue to climb with no end in sight. House prices will continue to climb over the long term. We know utility bills will climb as the planet gets hotter. We know the future is more unpredictable than it’s ever been in our lives and there are many unknowns ahead.

If it were me, and I felt I was in a relationship I could make work, I would stay in it. If I was really unhappy, and couldn’t imagine staying in a miserable situation, I’d jump ship and work very hard on establishing myself as fast as possible elsewhere. In a few years, your choices may be gone.

[quote] We know because of climate change, future blackouts and power issues may become commonplace. We know rents will continue to climb with no end in sight. House prices will continue to climb over the long term. We know utility bills will climb as the planet gets hotter. We know the future is more unpredictable than it’s ever been in our lives and there are many unknowns ahead.

This scares me, as someone who wants either to live alone and stay single, or to partner without cohabitation. The challenges I have with high-functioning autism mean that I need my own space to cope with adult life, but the high costs and unaffordable prices of literally everything are basically making it so people like me are forced to live with others just to afford basics/frugal living, which causes immense stress and dip in quality of life. It is driving me insane to have to cohabit, but there is no other choice unless I get very rich or join a monastery. Extremely depressing, and makes one question what the point is...

R133, I’m really struggling myself, trying to figure out where to land. Yesterday I read a horrible story about a women who had just given birth and came home from the hospital last year. They lived in the Pacific Northwest during the fires last year. She felt she had to cover the baby’s head to take her out of the car to the house, ash was raining everywhere and she was worried about the baby’s lungs.

There was also a story about a family going to a rented vacation cabin on a long-awaited trip. They got to the destination and it was heavy smoke and unsafe air quality to go outside, blowing in from miles away. One of the kids kept saying they wanted to go outside and play, but very heavy smoke and ash lay over everything and it was unsafe. After a couple of days of paying for a vacation cabin and being trapped inside with bored kids, they went home. This is our future.

I even read they’re afraid the fogs of San Francisco are going to go away because of climate change, which will kill the forests because they get a lot of moisture from the air. More fires. And no fog to cool the region down. And the fire smoke blows over many states and drags the air quality down across the continent.

Don’t underestimate how uncertain life is going to become. Get in shape, get your finances in order, downsize. It’s so hard to keep telling yourself, life is about to change forever when everything looks normal. It’s so hard to react to something that hasn’t yet happened where you live. Your mind fights it. But it will.

There’s a book I read as a kid, The Ruins of Earth, which I accidentally donated recently. It is an anthology of short stories of what people thought the world would be like after it was too overpopulated and polluted to have any decent quality of life. And now I’m watching it come true.

[quote] My 53 year old friend posted on Facebook about how many of his friends are miserable in their relationships. His take is that we are ALL fucked up, and people are sold a fairy tale that doesn’t exist…that you should just be happy if you have someone to love you, and you make things worse. I wonder if this generation is having worse mid life crisis situations because of social media.

As my therapist said one day “There are no white picket fences. It’s a disaster out there!!!”

R132 First of all, you need new medication. It must be so sad to go through life like you think.

Secondly I know lots of straight guys who are good catches that are divorced and the last thing they want is someone younger who will push to start a family just as his own kids are becoming more independent and he can finally have a little freedom again. Second family at 50 Vs travel and sex and less financial obligation/child support is actually not stacked the way you believe it is. Your whole post sounds like you yourself are just a bitter frau or friend of. . The market dries up from late 30’s to late 40s as the straight struggle through child reading. Then a huge percentage gets divorced and it’s open season again for dating. Maybe your “tiny” friend has something else wrong with her a “rack” can’t make up for 😂

I’d like to re-start my life as a child prodigy.

If you both start steroids and work out—you’ll dick like bunnies and be hot

R137 are YOU a frau? Cause I can't understand why you would argue against a well known fact such as men only wanting women many years younger than themselves. Your divorced friends may not want to start a family but they would definitely prefer a younger woman.

Yet just about every one of the ageing male Hollywood stars are paired up with women 10-50 (!) years younger than them. Some have started new families.

R141: And how the fuck does Sylvester Stallone's serve as a model for your hetero problems or those of others in this thread? [Insert name of ageing male star of your choice]

Pick models that have some parallel to your situation maybe.

I am not R132, R142. I am not planning on starting over. But there is support for the idea that straight men anyway, given the option, prefer to trade in for a younger model.

R141

I still can’t get over “he’s not obese”. 250 pounds. But he’s not obese…….

R240/R141 30/F here, and get most attention and open admiration from the 50-something/60 year old crowd. People my age don’t look twice at me (for various reasons, I’m sure, but I have confirmation that age is def part of it), and all seem to be dating either much younger or older where they can. I can easily count on two hands, with fingers to spare, the number of peer-in-age couples I know of my generation.

Thanks to 0nlyFans & P0rnhub culture, everyone who can get it without being labelled a deviant wants teen or 21 year old snatch. Maybe it’s always been this way, though, since prehistoric/Playboy Times.

As it is, I don’t want to have kids or to have to chain myself to old dick, unless it’s attached to a super-rich and generous and fit pro-sports player (time are hard, I’m not connected, and my family don’t have much, sue me). And there are very few extremely wealthy power lesbians available on the market, either. So the pickings ain’t great.

My female friend is 52 and is dating a 33 year old man. She’s hot and in good shape. They fuck like rabbits. I doubt it will develop into anything, but I have noticed that a lot of younger guys do seem to have a milf fetish. I blame internet porn.

If you read all r132 posts here and other threads the person is clinically depressed and usually uses one example to paint the entire universe in a horrid light, no matter what the topic. I also love how a gay website is suddenly full of straight dating experts 😂

The problem with your argument r140 is the word “only”. I don’t think the post at r137 is saying men wanting 20 year younger women doesn’t happen at all.

R132 It is true that rich men and male movie or rock stars chase young women, but there are plenty of ordinary guys who would date a woman that is their own age.

But maybe the problem with your friend is that she is looking for a Murdoch who is her own age and this is difficult to achieve, even for Jerry Hall.

Second, nobody wants a 50 yo old plastic doll . If your friends main asset are fake boobs of course she is gonna be beaten by younger models. A mature woman must have other things to offer.

R132 if you were "asking for a friend" it is time for some self due dilligence.

^OT at this point but, another big draw of MILFs and barely-legals to younger straight men is that neither demand much from man beyond sex and looks. A horny soccer Mom who’s already married/divorced/done with men her age or a teen groupie with little experience and basis for comparison alike will both happily accept cock with only a side of cursory attention, lies, and an ok body. They want either dick or clout or a fantasy (sometimes all three in one), NSA.

Most aren’t thinking, “but who’s gonna help raise my babies or look after me when I’m sick or go with me to visit parents or supplement my rent or build me a cabinet?” A straight woman of fertile age will be thinking those things. And she is going to want more things of him, like honesty, commitment, self-support, emotional literacy, good connections, ambitions etc.

Ordinary straight guys end up with women their own age because they have to. They still chase younger women and even when they are coupled up they have an eye on young ass at all times, hoping they will catch a lucky break. But that's how men feel about getting younger ass, like it's a blessing or luck, not necessarily a guarantee. Gay men know this all too well as does OP I'm sure.

R152 You are stupid if you think that majority of women doesn't do the same, accomodate with what is available, instead of what they would really want. Don't you think that they wouldn't want a tall, well built charming and wealhy architect or brain surgeon instead of the loser they have. They would leave in a heratbeat if such a dreamboat would have them, just as guy would with a younger bimbo. But, in the end, majority of people have partner in their iwn league, be it age, wealth, education.

These are fairy tales that men in their 50s or 60s massively date 30 something. I mean they do if they are rich and succesful, but otherwise...I am on holidays now and all the couples I see are of the same age.

I agree with you that people settle for what they can get R153. But plenty of regular over 40 men are with significantly younger women. These aren't rich or famous or even good looking men. These are average men with normal jobs.

Could these speculations about heterosexuals be any more boring.

R154 I don't know where you live R155. Is it in the Bible belt or somewhere? Cause here in Europe you don't see that many couples with significant age difference.

R114, yeah, you're the problem:

[quote] who is a patient lovely empathetic person who has had 25 years to learn my ways and moods so she can navigate them

That's a narcissist's quote if ever there was one. As if it's the other person's job to always learn YOUR ways. No give and take.

I’m in a major North American city with a lot of wealth around and I don’t really see it either r156. It’s very once in a blue moon and usually gets double-takes from people because it looks so mismatched.

People seem to be referring to hollow-wood and sports figures that contend it is so common.

LA is one of the few places I see big age discrepancies. Maybe the money/looks obsessions combine there? I don’t see it that much anywhere in the Northeast anyway.

R59, I’ve seen it quite a bit in LA too. I lived in Scottsdale AZ for years, and would regularly see old men with very young women out and about. I saw two women in their early 20’s get into a screaming match over a man in his late 60’s/early 70’s at Mastros one night. It was gross, and the man looked so smug.

R160 here…I wanted to add that I grew up in Seattle, and that shit wouldn’t fly there. People would absolutely say something if they saw grandpa making out in public with a young girl.

R160 wonder if he knew they were only fighting over the bag and not his withered geriatric dick. he probably didn't care though.

R132, actually the opposite. Just as 'regular' covid is winding down, people are slowly recovering from long covid as well. Some may indeed never recover, but the rates aren't "going up".

[quote] who is a patient lovely empathetic person who has had 25 years to learn my ways and moods so she can navigate them

I missed this one. In 25 years, the moody person should have figured out a way to deal with their "moods and ways" so that others don't need to "navigate" them.

I am 51 and just changed careers.

Get some Viagra. Put all of the effort that you would in having sex with someone new into your current relationship.

^^ good advice

Congrats, R165. How long did it take you to make the change? I'm sick of the field I work in and want to do something different but it's hard to break out of, especially after 16 years.

R3 Obese fatties like OP's imaginary husband never lose weight. Thank god the fatties tend to die very young so we who aren't hugely obese don't have to look at these fuckers.

Accounting is really hot right now, R168.

R170 interesting. My mother, excellent with numbers and a happy small-business bookkeeper for many years, said that studying to be a fully-fledged big city accountant when she was in College was the most boring and soul-crushing thing she's ever faced workwise. She only did it at the top level for five years, then quit, because she despised the ethic/culture and the monotony and the lack of interaction with others (she's an extrovert).

Perhaps she only says that because she couldn't hack it or didn't want to work harder, though. Everyone's on their own journey.

Can anyone name a job that isn't boring and soul-crushing? I need a change.

Well, I have an update. I met someone 3 weeks ago. We started texting and I really was getting into him. Last week, my husband started working out again and has been trying to eat healthier. I was literally chatting with new (hot and I really like him) guy when husband came in the door with my favorite dinner and mums for the patio. FUCK. The other dude said he was going to fuck my brains out. WHY ME?! Why can’t I have it all???

Open up that relationship and blow a few loads.

Update your Covid and Monkeypox vaccinations and take a single sexcation to Barcelona.

You have a good life, but at 52 and with the same partner, sex is going to dry up.

You're fortunate you're a gay man and hardly anyone will judge you for side play.

You don't sound like you want to start life all over, you sound like you want to spice it up.

Your life sounds amazing, actually. Not perfect, but amazing. You know how many sexless single 52 year olds would love your life?

R173 Everything this cunt cunts out into the world is 100% fiction. Sure, Jan.

SLUT! R173

I'm 38 and newly single and wouldn't mind dating a healthy, fit 50 year old. After breaking up with a younger, immature partner I'd really enjoy a mature, stable guy.

There's no such a thing as mature and stable guys, R177. Our hormones prevent us.

BS. Not all men are ruled by their sex hormones. Many men are mature and monogamous. Maybe not in the USA but elsewhere.

Similar here - 21 years. Sick of his shit - but I know there is value to having spent 21 years together. I think living together full time during pandemic ruined it. But guess better to know now than at 65. But have to accept that another relationship likely isn’t going to happen. So it’s breakup and be alone - or stick it out and be irritated and frustrated.

[quote]There's no such a thing as mature and stable guys, [R177]. Our hormones prevent us.

What Victorian prudery is this? All sex is bad. Gay sex is really fucking bad. And all sex comes from a wickedness so deep that it will never be rooted out of people who tread down that Dark Path.

R156 I've seen them in Austria, Switzerland, and the UK. They do tend to be the 1% however, or at least they look the part. Perhaps the extreme age difference is more widespread, or is more popular amongst middle-class Americans, when compared to Brits and Europeans.

I've met several American women who were widowed, and they met decent blokes in their late fifties, and early sixties. I honestly believe gay men are more highly selective, and often unrealistic. I'm not going to speculate, and say superficial, as many of the older straight people I knew who started over late were still very particular about appearance, and attraction.

All these "lucky" women I know were quite fit, and they either play tennis regularly, or they golf and ski an awful lot. They met their new partners through sport, and clubs. Having shared interests or hobbies is even more important when we're older.

Never too old. Try something new. Always.

Be warned - the rate of failure for second marriages is very high. There just isn't the range of available men/women as when you're younger, sex is more problematic, and we are less tolerant and flexible. I suggest you try to make your relationship work and maybe get your need for sexual variety met elsewhere.

"How old is too old to start over with your life?"

The second you're born.

But it's ever too late to humblebrag!!

Right, OP?

I'm sure it's all made up bullshit, but still: kudos to you!

Starting over with your life isn’t about getting a new sex partner.

Can’t have everything. I’m 64. Lost my first husband and fist true love over 15 years ago. 7 years ago found the next true love. I think I was lucky. My first husband had health issues and sex ended for a long time before he died.. Now, my 2nd husband, who is 10 years younger, loves sex. We have a good Life.

Maybe I’m lucky.

R164 I think I expressed myself poorly in my OP, because that wasn't at all what I meant or what the reality of the situation is. My sister and I are honestly friends with a mutual understanding, and we've had very real two-way discussions about expectations and the like. We accommodate each other.

As for everyone else in life: for one thing, I'm agoraphobic and barely see anyone, so I can't really inflict myself of anyone. For another, I've learned to have honest respectful dialogue with others about their feelings as well as mine, and am super self-conscious not to take up too much space myself (therapy, you learn a lot). So I'm not as much of a cunt as you seem to think--I will cop to being a bit of one, but I'm working not to be.

Op I’d say 95 yrs old is too old. If you are in fact 52 it is definitely not too late by any stretch of the imagination.

[quote]As for everyone else in life: for one thing, I'm agoraphobic and barely see anyone, so I can't really inflict myself of anyone.

I should think that this factor pretty much makes moot the question of your OP header. If straying from your familiar setting and circumstances threatens extreme discomfort and anxiety, I see limited opportunity for making a big break and starting over in life.

I don’t know that you are ever “too old” to seek out happiness, but leaving somebody just because you are bored seems a little shallow and short sighted. Just hire a rent boy and get it out of your system.