Let’s be Straight People

I'm them saying this unironically:

I'm the Christmas tree where half of the tree flashes on and off.

I think it's cool to live in a van in the woods. #vanlife

I just look around and ape what the group is doing.

I don't have the brains or bravery to do anything else.

I’m Under Armour apparel.

I’m Oakley sunglasses.

I’m Joe Rogan

I’m cargo shorts coordinated with a tacky graphic T-Shirt and Adidas sliders.

I’m R7 who thinks Joe Rogan is “straight.”

R9 I think R7 was mainly referring to his listeners

A lot of straight guys like Rogan, no matter who he blows on the downlow.

We’re the proud parents of Brayden, Jayden, Jaxxen, and Neveah.

I’m the quietly getting stronger seething regret they live w each day, wondering what life might’ve been if only they’d looked past the conventions & boundaries they were handed in exchange for their privilege.

I’m the electric carving knife.

I’m the placemats that are just too too.

We’re the whimsical figurines of angels, gnomes, and teddy bears that decorate a typical suburban chateau. Even though we’re mass produced overseas and made of cheap resin, straight people think we resemble fine porcelain statuettes hand-crafted by renown artisans. We’re also unbreakable, so suck it, Brayden, Jayden, and Jaxxen.

Im the 40 year old parents of an "Our special angel" down syndrome baby after failing in every way possible to get pregnant and Ignoring all the warning signs.

We take the family to Olive Garden for authentic Eye-talian food.

R18 is one of the best DL signatures I’ve ever seen LOL

I'm camo-print cargo shorts.

No true gay man would EVER.

Breeders love to see their dreary lives reflected back at them. And they become upset when the spotlight is taken away.

I’m reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

I’m living. I’m laughing. I’m loving.

I'm a minivan

I’m regret

I'm the subscriptions to Paramount+ and Disney+ so Mom and Dad can watch "Yellowstone" and the kids can shovel all the Disney shit they can into their heads.

I’m the never ending soccer/baseball games. You’ll spend every weekend with me for hours. And sometimes I’ll be 3 states away!

I’m “being exhausted and so busy with the kids and not being able to find time for anything” aka consuming social media & streaming content and silently nursing alcoholism in all my free time, while ignoring the kids and letting the iPad raise them.

I’m the grass lawn upon which nobody walks. My upkeep is an exercise in melodramatic resource squandering.

I’m the 300 gallons of water per day the average American family uses, about 110k gallons per year.

I'm the straight frau wife who constantly has to butt into her husband's medical related calls.

Why's he shirtless? Those moobs!

R32 that’s his Carrot Top/Gallagher-esque shtick, his career is on the Dane Cook track

I'm working and saving money so we can take our annual "vacation" at Disney World.

Going to Paris or London with the whole family for a week would be cheaper.

I wouldn't have minded seeing Dane Cook shirtless - back in the day when I used to watch him. This guy, not so much.

I'm "Two And A Half Men", the closest they'll ever get to watching "something gay".

I’m Marvel movies

I'm "don't talk about my wife/girlfriend!!!!!" and the belief that bitching at someone justifies a violent reaction.

I'm sitting in my small living room with my half-Italian firefighter husband and my two teenagers. We're watching the new semi-live action Pinocchio, and it's pretty good. My teen son keeps leaving the room, especially when the boys turn in to donkeys. I think I made him watch the cartoon when he was three or four, and it scarred him. He has a very normal name. (Probably about half the guys on this board have the same name). Eventually he goes upstairs.

My younger teen daughter is dyslexic but stunningly pretty. She is prude, and boy are we glad. She is enjoying the movie with us. She has a name that I have seen some guys on this board refer to as a name they would choose for a daughter.

A lot of people think we are poor and boring, but we are happy. Oh yes, and we have two overweight cats and a new stray outside. We are trying to lure him in with food, so he will probably end up as a fatty too.

I’m the lifted Chevy Silverado pickup truck with a dangling scrotum attached to the trailer hitch.

I'm the guy laughing at all of the lonely, bitter and jealous queens mincing in this thread and wishing their lives were half as fulfilling as straight people in stable relationships and happy with their lives.

[...]

I'm the "bros before hos", but "no homo" my dude

I'm the "lesbians and bisexual women are fine", hell it's even promoted, mentality that the majority of straights have but *gay and bisexual men are disgusting perverts"

And for some bizarre reason so called gay rights and liberal groups never call out the straights for this blatant double standard, it's worse than all out Christian homophobes, since at least they hate ALL LGB people

If I have a dime everytime I heard "It's Ok for women to be gay or experiment with the same gender but not men" I'll be rich

R9 Now, even Joe Rogan is gay? This site...

Rogan is not gay gay, but supposedly bi, and rumored to have experimented with a dick or twenty.

I’m holiday plates.

I'm all the Batman/ Spider-Man crap in little Joey's room "because that's what boys like".

(He'll be a sixteen year old himbo saying, "I realized I'm into guys because of all the Batman/ Spider-Man stuff in my room growing up!")

I'm the hair trigger on 20 year old Jonathan. Don't contradict me in any way!

I’m R41 skulking around the trailers behind the porn shop.

I'm the act of using my kids as an excuse, and the veil of happiness camouflaging the bitterness and resentment that has douchebags like R41 fooled.

I'm the words "my husband". I precede every statement made by every married woman.

I am licking pussy like there's no tommorrow.

I'm overpopulation

Straight people thought Dane Cook was funny. That says all you need to know.

I'm the "Honey-do List" stuck to the refrigerator.

I am the forced chuckle after "Happy wife, happy life!"

I’m the defeated husband, his deranged wife and their sullen kids all wearing matching pajamas as the pose for a Christmas card photo.

I'm the divorced straight woman who is still bitching about her ex-husband thirty years later.

I'm the Christo-fascist mom that hates gays, but really it's because she's jealous of their disposable income and freedom to live life.

I’m the delusional loop of thought that the next generation will figure it all out and get it right.

I'm the enormous clusterfuck of cars to pick Baylee and Jaxson up from school.

Walk? We live half a mile away! Who knows what could happen???

I’m the imaginary predators around every corner, hopefully the mommies never learn what the daddies go and do in the bedrooms late at night

I'm the mother of next weeks school shooter. I thought it was appropriate for my alcoholic husband to teach my son about guns when he was 5 years old because I am not raising a pussy libtard. I watched my husband insult him over and over and even laughed along sometimes when my husband told him to grow a pair and that boys don't cry because that makes them a sissy. My son is in his room right now playing Call of Duty after I grounded him for drowning the family dog. She was old, but still.

When the media asks me if there were any signs that my son was going to shoot up his high school, I'll ask to be left alone while I pray to Jesus and ask him why he let Satan possess my son. The Devil is everywhere and we have to be vigilant.

I’m the rosary of stats recited whenever hero worship is questioned .

I'm the husband's online dating profile. It usually contains some combination of the phrases "not getting it at home,/not looking to change my life,/must be discrete." And discreet is never spelled correctly.

I'm the annual fishing trip with college friends the husband gave up after weeks of non-stop fighting with the wife about taking time away from the family. I am long forgotten, along with a beloved hobby and a monthly Sunday dinner with his parents. He rarely thinks about them anymore, except for the odd occasions when he notices the only people he ever sees are her family and friends.

Why are straight me so stupid?

I’m the brainwashing, every straight woman seems to be born with the ability. The husband will be a shell of a person by the time she’s done.