Growing Older, Hot Unattainable Guys, & Judging One's Self

Sorry this didn’t get any replies. Just seemed like you had a lot to get off your chest.

OP was a slut. He wanted to be fucked by an endless series of guys. And that meant not having a relationship.

OP, you're not fuckable anymore. You need to worry less about getting dick in your ass and worry more about the impending river of poop that will flow mercilessly out of it into your Depends.

Lots of people here can totally relate to everything you wrote OP, they just won’t admit it. Just know you’re not alone. I suggest you go caftan shopping at the first convenient opportunity.

[quote]The last six years or so haven't been easy for me, but I should be proud of myself for moving to another country, going back to school, getting another degree, and starting a daunting new career.

If you've changed countries, went back to school, and changed careers, OP, you're more interesting than most people you know.

It's easy to think other peoples ñivrs are more interesting and luxurious or at least more flush than they are.

Few people you will meet for as long as you live have uprooted themselves and changed so many big things in their lives. It's difficult to do and very fucking few have the strength, the imagination, the insight, and the sheer strength of will and organization to make it happen and make a success of it.

If you can do all that, you can pick away at small things that can improve your daily life, and how you view yourself.

It seems you test a lot of ideas about a social life, a sex life, a relationship in your head rather than in life. Stop precluding and overthinking and take some small chances, be an astute listener, let people get to know you as they tell you about themselves. And you already have interesting stories to tell when the time comes. You're not so different in that most people are their own worst enemies.

OP

Sorry to read this. You're not alone, but I'm never sure knowledge of that ever helps.

I'm not a professional so consider this as only an observation, Have you ever been evaluated for or taken any medications for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? I used to think that OCD was about such actions as repetitive hand washing and switching a light on and off ten times, but it is just as likely to be repetitive thoughts - as it was for me - and being locked in a loop of destructive, or at least unhelpful, thoughts and obsessions.

The OCD medications helped. Beyond that, I'm still looking for some of the same answers that you are.

Read up on Cognitive Restructuring; despite my reluctance, it really helped me. There is also neuroplasticity, which refers to your brain’s ability to restructure or rewire itself. Those are two methods used in therapy that might be helpful.

I wish there was a way for some of us to meet for coffee or a drink and talk. Sharing these experiences is always helpful. There may be some therapy groups available to you, and those groups were always very helpful.

Just some thoughts...

OP I am in a similar position emotionally, though not as accomplished or highly-functioning as your good self.

This article ‘Help! I’m the Loneliest Person in the World’, an advice column answer by Heather Havrilesky from The AWL (written in 2013, but still pertinent) really spoke to me and reassured me when it read it. Though it’s written for and by a woman, the core concerns are the same as you express. Perhaps it may help you feel less alone, too.

These posts are all TLDR.

OP- I still daydream about the good looking guys in their 20's and 30's who cruised me in the bars in the mid to late 1990's. I turn 57 years old tomorrow. They don't look they now they way they looked in 1995. The good looking 24 year old of 1995 is now 51 years old- yikes. It's kind of traumatic ( for a while anyway) every time you get a year older. I've never had a relationship either. I do regret that- I mentioned this in another thread- I'm paralyzed by my fear of rejection.

At least you know you're the only one in this predicament.

Just goes to show that we are our own worst enemy, we are the creators of our own limitations- or not. If you believe you can do something- you usually do. People who struggle with depression often cannot.

It’s the worst time in life. Your 40s just need to be survived. Strangely, even though you are older, your 50s are a better time mentally and socially. Depression starts to lift and you begging to appreciate this isn’t a dress rehearsal so may as well do it - and stop navel gazing.

I, too, have never really been in a relationship - although there was a brief time a guy from Canada would regularly come in to see me who may have thought us in a relationship. At the risk of being called a humblebrag, I remember years ago being at a small upscale gay venue & meeting an older guy who, after initially asking me why I was still single, surveyed the crowd & approvingly telling me there was no one there “good enough” for me.

R11- Don’t worry. That story was not humble bragging it was just

BRAGGING.

Why can’t you just date guys within your own age group?

JFC, OP.

You need to grow the fuck up and accept that aging is a normal thing that happens to us all if we’re lucky, and there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with it.

OP, I just read your entire screed.

Is this real? Because most of it sounds absolutely ridiculous. Especially for a Brit.

OP, your analysis is paralysis. (I'm guilty of that myself.) Lighten up on yourself and find a new therapist. You're too caught up into your own fears and worries. It's time to focus on today, not the then and there.

My preferred age seems to age with me. I’m in my 40s and 100% prefer men in their 40s and 50s. Men in their 20s look like lambs now.

I always liked guys at least my age, but that changed as I got older, took care of my self, stayed in great shape, & found those in my preferred age range had not followed suit.

R17- Someone here at datalounge once said that guys who are late 40's and older find it very difficult to stay in shape- if they ever were in shape- and a lot of them just give up. That is especially true with straight men but one does not see too many gay guys over 50 that would be considered in shape and attractive. Some are able to be considered hot by the Bear community. I'm not into Bears myself . I don't like guys with muscles or guys who are fat. I like slim guys with natural bodies which is not easy to find nowadays because most guys today are either FAT or MUSCULAR or both.

R8/18, it takes some serious commitment, but it can be done. Not that I’m someone who could be on the cover of a muscle magazine, but, at 6’, I’m a lean 165 lbs, the same weight I was decades ago in my 20s.

What a bunch of horseshit. 52 years old, been skinny, fat, fat as fuck, muscular and never had a problem getting prime cock and hot guys at all weights.

Stop breathing defeat

[...]

Is that you in da picture?

OP, you’re afraid of intimacy and commitment.

[quote]OP, you’re afraid of intimacy and commitment.

You need to meet the right man first.

R24, that’s the problem. Single gay men wait for the right guy, while they reject other very good men who could’ve been Mr. Right.

Wow - the statement "I wish I showed up for myself like I show up for my job" is so true for so many. It spoke to me.

Life isn't fair but what you make of it, is what matters. I would encourage you to go get the life you want, you have nothing to lose but if you have depression, that would be an obstacle. I'm sure people have suggested seeing a therapist, but that takes time. money , and commitment. You might check our youtube as they are an excellent resource for everything.

When reading your post, I saw a lot of myself in it. I'm 61, above average looks (I feel), but through a variety of circumstances didn't date.

For me and for you, if you want change, you need to take the first step. You might see if there any support groups, maybe FB has something, or worse case, go it on your own.

@Muriel, I wish we could DM people, of course with their consent in receiving a message, as I think this is a place we have gathered, and it would be nice if we could take it one step further to help each other.

Or, does anyone else know a place where likeminded people can go??

OP, my heart goes out to you...I hope your latter days will be better than the former days and your future is even brighter than you could imagine.

R26- You've never had a boyfriend?

^ nope - for a variety of reasons but mostly hid my alcoholism. Stopped almost 15 years ago. Also, threw myself into work and I am very independent (lone wolfish).

R28- I've never had a boyfriend either. I wrote ages ago on this thread that I'm terrified of rejection which is one of the main reasons I've never been in a relationship.

R25- You mean they're holding our for their FANTASY guy instead of just a nice guy who'd make a great boyfriend.

I wish I had some sage advice for you, OP. I am glad you vented. It's such an over used expression, but I do hope you meet someone soon and I hope you can find find someone to treat you for depression. ❤️

Age gracefully, OP, and without bitterness.

OP, your problem isn’t depression. Everyone sane experiences constant low-level depression. Instead, you seem to be into compulsive self-sabotage. You can tolerate success in your professional life, but not in your personal life. There, you set unrealistic standards for “consistency” that no one could meet and talk yourself out of every possible potential relationship. Why is that? It’s possible that, like other gay men I’ve known, you’re bringing your high-achieving, goal-oriented attitude into the world of personal relationships, where is doesn’t belong.

R33- I don't experience constant low level depression I experience constant low level anxiety.

Thanks for all this,I knew I wasn't alone but this is "helpful confirmation" and i will read the article,thx

I can relate OP. You aren’t alone.