Let’s Be Shitty Travel Advice That Won’t Die

These days wearing shoes is considered dressed up.

OP is writing from 1962.

Traveler's checks are the best way to protect your money abroad

R3- You forgot to say-

NEVER leave home without them.

I was always told "Dress well when you travel. If you look like you can afford a lawyer, you'll get less trouble from the assholes at the airport".

I got upgraded once, but they made it conditional on me changing out of shorts (it was a flight to the Caribbean in May, so being in Bermuda shorts was not being a total slob). That was 25 years ago, but the advice that dressing well improved your odds was true at one time. Maybe not anymore. But these days Bermuda shorts would probably be considered “dressed up.”

I got upgraded a lot pre 9/11, because I dressed nice, was very hot, and polite. The free first class upgrades stopped after 9/11, but I still dress nice to travel. I have been with my partner for years, but the airport is the best place to flirt with men that you will never see again. Even straight men don’t seem to mind it, if they’re traveling and have a few drinks in them.

I've racked up over 4 million flight miles in 21 years of traveling. Most of it international travel in business class but a lot of domestic coach travel. I realize my situation is different from people who only travel occasionally. But if you're trying to talk you're way into an upgrade, or asking an agent to help with a missed connection, you're chances are better if you're not in gym shorts and flip-flops.

R8 But you can’t talk your way into an upgrade at the gate anymore. The airlines keep direct control over that these days, and gate agents aren’t given access to upgrade people on their own. Plus, with so many CC upgrades and status members, there’s always a list to upgrade that gets a higher priority than a walk-up, even if he’s dressed like the fucking Duke of Windsor.

[quote] NEVER leave home without them.

DON'T.

Naples is a lovely city to visit

Take lots of extra Kodak film with you. You don't want to find out you're out of film when you still have three days left of touring.

R6 These days boxer shorts is considered dressy for flights

Contiki Tours are great for seeing Europe. 10 countries in 18 days… by bus!

Take an edible and have a few glasses of wine before departure. It will help you sleep.

Don't forget to pack your Lonely Planet and Rick Steves guidebooks

You can’t get an STD on vacation.

Don't forget to bring your binoculars.

Those shitty "travel tips" pages are full of them. Like "Always ask for any upgrades at check-in!" So of course as front desk clerk I'd often hear that from some cheapo rando at check-in. In my hotel chain the room upgrades are for the rewards program members. So no, mister socks-and-sandals tourist, we do not have an upgrade for you.

Watch out for pickpockets.

When traveling to Europe make sure to bring your own toilet paper.

[quote]So no, mister socks-and-sandals tourist, we do not have an upgrade for you.

You only work in a hotel, you know. You can drop the attitude.

Don't forget to exchange your dollars for Lira as soon as you arrive in Rome.

Don't hesitate to ask the stewardess for headphones to watch the motion picture on the non stop flight to Paris.

If your little boy is traveling with you ask the stewardess for a mock up toy version of the Lockheed L1011 to give to your son.

Don't drink the water anywhere in Europe. It's unsafe because of the mineral differences in the drinking water.

Make sure to get the latest edition of the Spartacus Guide so you can find the local saunas and gay internet cafes.

R11 I enjoyed Naples. R18 I actually brought mine on my last trip for whale watching but left them in the hotel room the day of the boat ride.

Anyway, I would advise people to disregard the " The French are all assholes!" line. I found them to be very polite, charming and helpful. Also packing light ( as is often advised) has usually caused me nothing but trouble. Better a little overpacked then having to run all over the place to buy something you need.

Wear underwear under your caftan so your seat doesn't get mussed.

Book early for a seat in the "non smoking section".

Some of these are making me nostalgic. My parents were obsessed with travelers checks.

Don't forget to call the airline and reconfirm your reservation a couple of days before your flight.

I'll meet you at the gate.

I always wear lace-up thigh-high boots like Grandma did.

I used to miss every flight but now they frisk and wand me!

Some good travel advice from my French boss: don't eat the meat in France and possibly other parts of Europe. Apparently they don't ionize it the way it is done stateside so it has a lot more bacteria. This would explain why me and many of my American colleagues get gastrointestinal distress sometimes in France.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Americans are welcomed with open arms all over the world!

Don’t bother to learn the local language, they’ll all want to practice their English with you!

Traveling is fun

Riding a Greyhound is a GREAT way to see America!

Save money by avoiding non-stop flights. You won't mind one stop or having to exit the plane and re-board. And switching your luggage is a breeze! What could go wrong.

And further to R37, no matter where you go in the world, speak up, announce yourself as a proud American. You'll soon have a whole flock gathered at your feet enraptured in your stories: state capitol of Indiana? corn? soybeans? state fair? funnel cakes!? hotdish? and that little town right next to yours that has the best soft serve ice cream you've ever tasted? way better than that gelato stuff? That's the one, tell them all about that.

Stand in line to board the plane first, and just stuff your bag into the first bin you see when you board the plane. That way, you won't have to lug it all the way back to your seat, or carry it all the way back out again when you land in Tampa!

Don't forget your money belt!

[quote]Americans living or traveling abroad are encouraged to register with the nearest U.S. Embassy or Consulate through the State Department’s travel registration website.

Oh and be certain to read the U.S. State Department travel advisories...you'll never leave home! (Which is all part of our plan.)

Dress well for the plane. We had a choice of Veal Orloff or Pheasant Under Glass!

And the desserts!!

I just want somebody to tell me what that brown stuff was that they offered with my fish ‘n’ chips in Scotland. They mumbled when I asked what it was and I said no. I wish now that I’d let them give me some.

Note: I can’t remember what they call their chips either.

It’s a marvel that Datalounge doesn’t show me the door just for lowering the tone so much but that’s the level of mystification I achieved in my international excursions and I’m posting anonymously.

Clutching your pearls as you walk through the metal detector will prevent it from going off.

This song lists the safety of the colors of food on airplanes and has other good advice. This and "Why do the wrong people travel?" from "Sail Away" are great songs about travel.

R46, I'm guessing you mean a brown sauce for the chips?

It's a tomato based sauce but with some exotic colonial period seasonings: tamarind, sultanas (raisins), dates, molasses, vinegar...think hints of sweet-savory chutney if you know that. It's similar to HP Sauce, a common condiment.

What the hell is hotdish?

Make sure to get local currency before you go. The exchange rates are terrible at the airport!

ATMS these days offer the best conversation rates. Any major local bank in the country you're visiting will have an ATM in the airport. The easiest way to get local currency.

Yes, there are fees involved. At most they're $10ish and are made up by the better conversion rate. Unless you plan on making many withdrawals, you'll still be better off.

If you go to this one hard-to-reach beach, make sure you return by mid-afternoon when the tide comes in.

-Read this just now on a travel website.

I know a Flight Attendant and I know dressing up gets better service from him.

No doubt dressing well puts flight attendants at ease: they are likely to assume that you are an old hand at flying, know what to expect, and will be a polite, easy passenger.

The old advice of "dress well and you'll get an upgrade" was old many years ago. Full planes and long lists of people who would have priority based on some flyer club status have surely diminished a lot of check-in and boarding-gate latitude of staff.

Still, when opportunity does exist the composed, smartly dressed passenger is more likely to get bumped forward than is her slovenly, loud counterpart.

My favorite ploy for cadging an upgrade was a Southern woman who would arrive breathless at the gate with a huge and kuxurious gift basket. She would explain that a friend pressed it on her just as she was leaving and she couldn't refuse because if the care that had gone into the gift. But of course she knew she couldn't carry on bottles of alcohol and chocolates and whatever..."is there any chance you or some of your colleagues night get any use from this...I just can't bear the idea of throwing all this away!" She said it worked like a charm almost without fail.

*luxurious

I don’t think the breathless Southern woman would get her gift basket through security these days, given the 100ml liquid rule. Maybe her gift basket has different things in it now.

Just dress nicely, anyway. It doesn't have to be any less comfortable than wearing pajamas or workout clothing. Ties and hose aren't necessary, but at least dress as you would to work in an office. You're out in public.

[...just stuff your bag into the first bin you see when you board the plane...] Never thought of it that way.

R58 Do it, and you'll get your big ass kicked. Put it over your own bald head!

Don’t eat lunch at the airport before you get on the plane ✈️ because they’ll be serving a big meal once we reach altitude.

Not so much anymore but I used to hear constantly that you can get all sorts of meds otc in foreign countries that you can't get in the U.S. In fact it's the opposite! Mexico, Thailand, China, the UK have only paracetamol (Tylenol). Once I asked where the naproxen (Aleve) was once in a Boots in London and the clerk blushed because he had to tell me it's only prescription for menstrual cramps. WTF it's for headaches and muscle pain too. Melatonin is prescription.

Give me my drugs I'm an American in pain goddammit!

Every country is different when it comes to meds. In Argentina you have to ask the pharmacist for everything, but they'll give you 400mg or 600mg ibuprofen without a prescription.

^ Different but generally there is less available OTC than in the U.S. My point was do not expect foreign countries to have the same OTC meds as in America. Almost all of them will have less. Bring your own.

Just be careful traveling with medications, and keep them in their original bottles.

A few of us saw "Brokedown Palace," and we know what can happen with a simple narcotic misunderstanding.

In Chile, the tylenol was kept in a locked cabinet. We could buy it without a prescription, but a clerk had to unlock the cabinet.

FYI the Spanish term for Tylenol, or Acetominophen, is "Acetominophena".

"Don't leave home without it!"

Haha, Karl. Yes, be sure to take your AmEx card, it's the card that's the biggest pain in the ass to use outside the U.S. Almost as convenient as AmEx Travellers' Checques -- "make sure to buy them in all the wrong denominations!"