Let's be a Stephen King novel!

I'm all the terrible film adaptations made in the 80's and 90's.

OP hasn't read a King novel in 30 years and has read 4 in total.

I'm Louis Creed and David Drayton shrieking in the middle of the street over our dead sons.

I'm the tampon puffing up in the water at the bottom of the shower stall.

I'm a dead pet. I'll be back.

I'm the teens using outdated slang!

I'm He who walks behind the rows.

I'm Maine. I've never been so famous.

I'm the villain threatening children with sexual violence. WTF Stephen?

I'm the lone crazy Christian character. Bonus points if I'm a woman and get punched in the face by the male "hero".

I'm the pages and pages and pages of prose written whilst high on cocaine!

I'm the subtle sense you get that King thinks he's smarter than everyone in the world, including his dog and his agent!

I'm Christine, the scariest book about the scariest car ever written!

I'm the pre-pubescent boy in some sort of peril.

I'm the horrors of humanity. I'm far scarier than a make believe monster.

I'm the tidy, shiny shop full of Needful Things.

R3, David Drayton's son didn't die in the novella The Mist, just in the terrible tacked on movie ending.

I'm Mr. Barlow. I'm on a buying trip.

R15, I enjoy both endings of The Mist. Interestingly, King himself complimented Darabont on the adaptation's ending and said that he wished he'd thought of it.

I’m the needful things.

I'm the 12 year old girl getting gang banged

I'm the prodigy who can either save or kill everyone.

I'm the Firestarter, twisted Firestarter!

I'm a Tommyknocker... am I alien or supernatural or what? I need to talk to my cousin, The Langolier, about this matter.

Late last night and the night before, tommyknockers, tommyknockers knocking on my door.

I'm the tired feeling readers get when they realize there's 300 more pages to go and this fucker is just spinning his wheels.

I'm the crotchety old Maine native who tries to warn people. Whoever plays me in the movie version will give me a ridiculously over the top accent.

I am the sole black person. You may call me 'Magical Negro'

I'm the accident that is an unhappy wife's best friend.

I'm the female characters who are constantly bursting into tears, weeping bitterly, crying, sobbing, Women are like that, doncha know?

I'm Randall Flagg. I'll be looming there and pop up when you least expect it to scare the shit out of you.

I'm awash in Boomer nostalgia.

I'm It, a shape shifting spider who eats children. I attract them by assuming the shape of a clown named Pennywise, which is strange since a lot of children (and adults) consider clowns creepy as hell.

I am Cujo, I don't care what anyone says, I am still a very good boy.

I'm cockadoodie.

I'm Richard Bachman.

I’m the first promising 100 pages of any King book. It’s all downhill after me.

I'm the use of "crotch" as a euphemism for "cunt," a specialty in the early novels.

I will be half of the Ramone's music catalog that will be dragged into every book and movie.

I shamble. I may actually shamble in every single book. I appear in an array of loathsome guises but I do not prance, hop, skip, or make haste. No, no. I shamble. And you are bloody well scared witless when I shamble after YOU.

Mr, King loves me.

I am King, jumping the shark by writing myself into my magnum opus, The Dark Tower.

I am Oy! Many many years ago Rescue Chick tried to name her little dog after me. She lost that fight and has been mildly bitter about it ever since even though said dog died after 17 years.

R40 Long days and pleasant nights to you.

I'm the moment in the book where King states that so-and-so character is not going to survive the novel - 400 pages before it actually happens.

There goes bothering to care about said character for the majority of the novel.

I'm characters in a crazy life or death situation, where we are moments away from being horribly murdered in some way if we're not careful.

What shall we do? I know, let's have sex!

I am *not* "Dear Constant Reader"

Thankee-sai r41!

I'm "Captain Trips", the name given to the flu that kills off almost all the people on earth. Who the hell gave me THAT stupid nickname?

I'm the fact that once you've read enough of these things, King pings like a motherfucker.

There is always a beautiful adolescent male who is either consumed in some suggestive way or saves the day in some suggestive way.

I'm "throwing back his head to laugh".

I have never actually seen this happen.

It sounds painful.

I am tyhe team of ghost writers who have written most of his books since the mid80s.

[quote] Bonus points if I'm a woman and get punched in the face by the male "hero".

That's what I say!

I'm various male characters created from King's own alcoholism.

I'm page 500. You should probably stop reading now, because the remaining hundreds of pages won't be worth the effort.

I'm one of the many short novels and novellas King has written that are way under 500 pages.

That's James Patterson, R49. Well, also VC Andrews, but she died in the mid 80s, so it isn't her fault.

"I'm the subtle sense you get that King thinks he's smarter than everyone in the world, including his dog and his agent!"

I don't know about the agent, but to be fair the dog is an anti-vaxxer.

I'm the needlessly drawn-out ending.

I'm the slew of incredibly annoying and/or stupid characters in "The Stand"; Stu Redman, Larry Underwood, Rita Blakemoor, Frannie Goldsmith, Lucy Swann, Nadine Cross, Trashcan Man, The Kid, The Dark Man, and yes, the Magic Negro Mother Abigail.

I'm Richard Bachmann.

I am Gerald's Game.

I'm the last fifth of the book where it seems he's trying to speed everything to the conclusion. You can just feel he's sick of writing and wants it to be done and off to his publisher.

If he had ghostwriters why would they ALL do this?

i'm the o so idiosyncratic inner monologue which is more stream of conscious than this MAMA! but you get the IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! point

R43 to be fair thats every TV/movie plot now. Eminent death by hordes of zombies? Let's discuss our relationship problems or play kissy-face right now.

I’m the foggy or rainy weather

I'm the italics on almost every page.

I’m the grocery clerk the main character ran into buying cigarettes, and the the rest of the book will now alternate between the main story and my life (for no reason at all).

I'm Shelia Jones, dad gum it. I weigh 380 pounds and favor candy-floss pink tube-tops. I'm always sitting on the bench in front of the library, knitting condoms. I'm famous for them - give them as Christmas gifts, I do, except to the Sherriff, who I don't speak to no more on account of him throwing Mr. Bitey, my rescue pit bull, in the pound. I have a small tattoo on my ankle, below sock line (exposed tattoos make a girl look trashy), of a can of tuna fish with CUNTSTINK written on it. I miscarried eight times but still chain smoke every day even though I know these dad gum things is gonna kill me deader than dogshit one of these days. The keep talking about this here killer clown and I have to tell you I ain't seen him and what's more I don't believe such horse pucky. You ask me it's a buncha gypsies run off with all them kids and if we just kept them and their little painted wagons outta our country we wouldn't be havin' such problems.

I take up the first six pages of this here novel and no, the monster don't eat me, not even a bite.

Sorry.

[quote]to be fair thats every TV/movie plot now. Eminent death by hordes of zombies? Let's discuss our relationship problems or play kissy-face right now.

Absolutely. It's so bizarre to me. It's interesting too, when you read stories of people in real life who are facing what they think is imminent death, sex is not something people want to do. But it's something people think they would do hypothetically - ie, until they are actually in that situation.

I guess I notice it particularly in King's work, because the people are often in crazily intense and unusual life or death situations. Giant maneating oil slick hiding under your raft? Let's lie down on it and fuck! Demonically possessed car coming to kill you? Let's fuck while we wait? Monsters from another dimension flying around outside the supermarket you're trapped in, while you're in a panic over getting out to save your wife? Let's dump my child with a random and go fuck one of the neighbours! It's hilariously dumb.

R67, LOL.

I’m the gorgeous knockout red haired woman

I'm the telepathy. I'll appear in approximately 85-90% of King's work.

We're old paperbacks of his books in a Goodwill. We take up three shelves.

We're the horror section of any given bookstore. We're the same as R71 but cost $22.99.

I'm the female character who fantasizes about cocks like a gay man.

R57 I am TrashCan Man. Side eyeing you.

I’m Derry, Maine. Stay the hell away from me!

I'm Maine. Stay the hell away from me!

FTFY, R75.

I'm a Table Talk pie!

I'm "The Long Walk", which was had a sense of dread and horror and hopelessness, and left the reader thinking. Then I'm "Cell" and I should have been used for toilet paper.

I'm Rage - now no longer published at the request of the author.

I'm the horrific Thinner, a book so distasteful I threw it in the trash.

I'm a Constant Reader who doesn't believe Under the Dome was written by King.

I'm a Stephen King novel. I get a tv/film adaptation of me. Then another one. Then another one. Then another one....

I'm the VERY white characters in Stephen King's novels who get their sex and/or race changed in the film adaptation in order to be more politically correct. Case in point: Dr. Jimmy Cody in "Salem's Lot" is a freckled, red haired male doctor; in the latest film adaptation he's now "Dr. Cody", played by an African American actress (Alfre Woodard). The boy hero Mark Petrie, offspring of VERY white parents, is also transformed into an African American child. Will these changes make this new version of "Salem's Lot" more interesting? Probably not.

R82 is on the money with the SK retreads - there's a remake of the Stephen King novel "Salem's Lot" in production. That was one of my favorite books and the 1979 TV movie was very well done and scary, and I'm living in hope that it's not hot garbage like the recent remake of "The Stand".

It has a decent looking cast: Alfre Woodard, Lewis Pullman (he's in the recent Amazon series Outer Range), William Sadler, gay actor John Benjamin Hickey, the dude who played Euron on GOT and Spencer Treat Clark, who played the gay love interest on the series Animal Kingdom.

William Sadler has in two other SK movies. Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile for sure.

Are they buddies or something?

I'm a lot of good ideas poorly served by mediocre writing in need of an editor with the balls to say "no" and "shut the fuck up".

I'm the author's photo, showing a face that is mostly werewolf beard.

What did you find distasteful about it, R80?

I'm the gee-gosh-shucks authorial tone of the first ten pages or so.

Thinner? It was kinda meh ..., but maybe it was offensive because of its depiction of the Roma? I have no clue otherwise.

I'm grinning. I am usually on the face of something that is also shambling, per R38.

I'm the random twist at the end of "Later". I know King's a fan of GRRM but like...why?

I’m page number 385 but you lost me at 103

I'm the fact that severe paranoia is the theme of every single freaking twisted thing I write.

Thinner was the first Bachman book that felt like a King book, to me. I think he was discovered about that time? I know I read somewhere that Misery was initially going to be a Bachman book too.

I'm the chrome winking in the sunlight and the pain that hurts like rotted tooth.