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I’m Trying Celibacy

I am a 40-year-old gay man.

I am a good looking top guy with 8.5 inches. I have had sex with well over 1,000 men since I was 19 years old. Cruises, Grindr, traveling, etc. I don’t consider myself any kind of sex addict, it’s just plentiful and I’ve had LOTS of it.

I have been in love only twice and am now separated from the first true “love of my life.” We were married for 5+ years and of course “open” for the last few. We were never really sexually compatible but I fell for him because he was the first man I’d ever “waited” to have sex with. About two months before we did anything.

I’m tired of seeking something fulfilling from sex. Tired of “performing” for guys who just want to get pounded. Tired of the never ending, nonstop “hunt.” Just TIRED.

So I’m stopping. I don’t know when I’ll have sex again. No dating. No sex. No NOTHING. Don’t know when it’ll happen. I just know that for the foreseeable future I need to let it go.

I feel like there’s something broken in me from all the sex and I feel like I need to heal. Yes, I’m a child sexual abuse survivor. I thought I’d dealt with that but perhaps I haven’t and this is one way to start.

Has anyone tried celibacy?

by Anonymousreply 82June 23, 2022 6:05 PM

[quote}Tired of “performing” for guys who just want to get pounded. Tired of the never ending, nonstop “hunt.” Just TIRED.


by Anonymousreply 1June 21, 2022 4:12 PM

I can relate to this on a couple levels, though I have always been a bottom. I gave up sex/dating 6 years ago after a series of bad dates and finding out my FB was recording our hook-ups. Every now and then I fall into a porn hole but overall I don't miss it. I had a lot of encounters over the years so maybe I just became cynical about sex and romance, but I spoke to a therapist about it and she didn't seem concerned and I did work out a few issues. Sometimes it's okay to just work on yourself.

by Anonymousreply 2June 21, 2022 4:40 PM

Facebook was recording your hook-ups?

by Anonymousreply 3June 21, 2022 4:43 PM

OP, why do you have to go from 180 to 0. Can't you just slow down? Take time to get to know people? Develop friendships first based on mutual interests, see where it goes?

by Anonymousreply 4June 21, 2022 4:48 PM

What a waste of good top dick. Oh well. Good luck to you, buddy!

by Anonymousreply 5June 21, 2022 4:49 PM

You need to go out and find guys that have similar interests and make some friends, OP, not be strictly dickly about attraction. I love my husband on several other aspect other than just sexual attraction.

I also very much encourage you to do some work on yourself, therapy. I also urge you to read the book, “Velvet Rage”.

I think a lot of it is gay guys try to fill loneliness with sex.

by Anonymousreply 6June 21, 2022 5:25 PM

A period of forced celibacy is good to think about your views towards sex.

Should it be meaningful? Do you want a BF? Is it worth it without love? Should you have standards?

Once you are honest with yourself about what sex should be for you, you get back into the game.

It can just becoming an unfulfilling, meaningless, empty habit that gives an hour of pleasure. That shouldn't be enough .

by Anonymousreply 7June 21, 2022 5:46 PM

OP, I see that you must be done after so many hook ups. As one gets older it really gets tiresome. But why giving up on romance, companionship, emotional connection? Since you are a top, it should be much easier for you to find a guy because there are plenty of lovely nice bottoms. Even here on DL you see many good lonely guys longing for love. No need to become a nun you are too young.

by Anonymousreply 8June 21, 2022 5:47 PM

Give 2 inches to me, I only have 6.5.

Problem solved. You'll no longer be seen as just a big dick.

by Anonymousreply 9June 21, 2022 5:49 PM

Yeah, why from 180 to zero? Wouldn’t it be better if you just put off sex until after a couple dates?

Are you tired of sex or tired of dating or both?

How come you and the love of your life weren’t compatible? He was as a top too?

by Anonymousreply 10June 21, 2022 5:58 PM

sounds like your first love came pretty late in life, that head-over-heels, don't-care-about-compatibility love fog. it really gets to you, but you survive it and start thinking more about a partner

by Anonymousreply 11June 21, 2022 7:14 PM

Try blogging while you're at it.

by Anonymousreply 12June 21, 2022 7:15 PM

OP, you could also try living in reality.

by Anonymousreply 13June 21, 2022 7:18 PM

Stay off Grindr and don’t go out cruising. Just live your life and you may find love in another setting. Some times it comes along when you least expect it.

by Anonymousreply 14June 21, 2022 7:19 PM

@R3 - FB = Fuck Buddy

OP, celibacy is a good thing for you. Over 1k different sex partners at 40 years old? Damn!

by Anonymousreply 15June 21, 2022 7:49 PM

Goodness. Does your dick glow in the dark?

by Anonymousreply 16June 21, 2022 8:02 PM

Celibate, celibate, dance to the music.

by Anonymousreply 17June 21, 2022 8:08 PM

[quote]Over 1k different sex partners at 40 years old?

For sexually active gay men who live in a big city that's not crazy. I mean you can easily go to a party and end up hooking up with several guys in one night.

But really, who even bothers to keep count.

by Anonymousreply 18June 21, 2022 8:08 PM

[quote]I feel like there’s something broken in me from all the sex and I feel like I need to heal.

Can you elaborate on this? I.e. when did you first notice you were feeling this way and what that feeling of 'brokenness' is like? As a straight man it's interesting reading another man write that; even the most prolific womanizers I know (some of whom are even older than you are) have never expressed anything like what you wrote. Granted, not many of them even approach your partner count, but I do wonder if something about what you're feeling is tied to the 'ease' with which gay men can find sex.

by Anonymousreply 19June 21, 2022 8:11 PM

What is an 'EST,' Daddy?

by Anonymousreply 20June 21, 2022 8:12 PM

Am I supposed to give a fuck?

by Anonymousreply 21June 21, 2022 8:13 PM


Or Spent?

by Anonymousreply 22June 21, 2022 8:22 PM

Over 1,000 in 19 years averages 1.092 a week... impressive.

by Anonymousreply 23June 21, 2022 9:40 PM

Another silly thread. Time to grow up OP (did we need to know about your dick?) or nice try, EST.

by Anonymousreply 24June 21, 2022 9:45 PM

OP here.

The feeling of “brokenness” has been there for awhile. It became more pronounced the past few years as I dealt with the breakup by diving right back into the same old patterns.

I do feel like at some point I want to explore moving much slower and find a compatible partner. Yes, we were both tops. But incompatible in other more fundamental ways. We still have so much love for each other but I just can’t make it work.

I moved too quickly back into “single” mode and now I just want to stop it all for at least a period. I’ve never been celibate for any period of time before since I became active: the sex has always come quite easily to me. It’s the other stuff that has been harder to find.

There’s a part of me that thinks if I put a hard stop on this stuff and kind of rewire how I view the world (and it views me) I will find what I’m ultimately looking for.

by Anonymousreply 25June 21, 2022 10:23 PM

Op....when you quit looking for love that is the point in time when it finds you.....you are on the right path and do not settle for less .

by Anonymousreply 26June 21, 2022 10:26 PM

I think it is a good idea. I got to a point where I was just tired of the hassle. Plus, taking a break, you stop the compulsiveness of the behavior. I recognized I have used sex to manage my anxiety all my life, so it kept me from really addressing my anxiety issues. The online sex during COVID just felt gross and made me look at the madness of it all. I have a friend who hooks up regularly and it all seems so transactional. He talks about sex like it’s going for tacos. It doesn’t really have any significance.

by Anonymousreply 27June 22, 2022 12:52 AM

I also agree that The Velvet Rage is a must read.

by Anonymousreply 28June 22, 2022 12:53 AM

OP why do you think it’s connected to the early abuse? Sorry that happened to you. I bet it’s common for victims of abuse to be compulsive sexually, but given how normal promiscuity is in the gay world, I don’t know if it’s always the case..

by Anonymousreply 29June 22, 2022 12:58 AM

You seem sweet, OP. So let me be real for a minute and give you some advice: Don’t do this.

I’m closing in on 6 years of celibacy. Had a bad breakup and decided to swear off men for a while. Before you know it, the days become the weeks become the months become the years.

I’ve become so used to being alone and it feels like it’s too late to go back and there’s no point of messing up my life to let a guy in who might hurt me again. It becomes a cycle that feeds into itself. I’m going to be alone because I’m already alone and I don’t want to upset the Apple cart. Nobody is good enough to break out of my self-imposed sexile.

Deal with whatever your issues are with the guy you just broke up with. Those issues do not apply to all men. There is someone out there who is actually right for you.

You gotta get back on the horse, OP. The sooner, the better.

by Anonymousreply 30June 22, 2022 1:05 AM

OP, are you trying celibacy like you're trying our patience?

Oh, no you're not.

by Anonymousreply 31June 22, 2022 1:14 AM

I’m tired…

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 32June 22, 2022 1:50 AM

Are you still watching porn, OP?

by Anonymousreply 33June 22, 2022 1:52 AM

Jerking off? Yes or no?

Why not just stop having sex for awhile, why label it?

by Anonymousreply 34June 22, 2022 2:06 AM

I agree with R30.

by Anonymousreply 35June 22, 2022 2:15 AM


by Anonymousreply 36June 22, 2022 2:18 AM

Stay home and self-suck.

by Anonymousreply 37June 22, 2022 2:47 AM

There's not having sex, and then there is "I'm celibate." My concern is that if you start over-identifying with the label, it could become a fixed part of your identity. How about just take time for yourself? Live your life for awhile.

by Anonymousreply 38June 22, 2022 2:49 AM

No porn. I’m anti-porn after I read a book called “Your Brain On Porn” that connects it to ED and other stuff. Also I think porn today is very extreme and aggressive and is way too influential on peoples sexual tastes. I remember when fisting was a very extreme, fringe thing…now it’s being mainstreamed because of porn.

I try not to jerk off, too. I’m a no-fapper.

So the next period of time is going to be quite interesting since I literally won’t be ejaculating. Thx for advice DeFacto it makes sense.

I’m taking a trip overseas at the end of august. Will be lots of gay dudes there. Maybe I’ll break my streak then. But I really need to step back and do some self-reflection. It’ll be interesting to see how Pride weekend in NYC will be now that I know I won’t be having any sex.

Plus my last guy was actually a very sweet Grindr hookup and it was - oddly enough - probably the best sex I’ve had in quite some time. He’s very sweet and very sexy. But he really likes me and wants to date me I think so I need to let him down gently.

by Anonymousreply 39June 22, 2022 3:02 AM

Wow 1,000 I’m a disgrace I’m looking for my 4th lay

by Anonymousreply 40June 22, 2022 5:06 AM

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 for humble bragging.

by Anonymousreply 41June 22, 2022 5:08 AM

I’m celibate. I like it. I’m much more productive. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with a relationship, much less dating and hooking up. Ideally I should be a monk copying manuscripts but I don’t have a religious bone in my body.

by Anonymousreply 42June 22, 2022 5:46 AM

Miss OP is confusing her "8.5 inches" with 8.5 centimetres.

by Anonymousreply 43June 22, 2022 5:49 AM

Anonymous fucks lost their charm for me long after they should have. I kept going back to the trough and racking up a significant percentage of fucks who clearly thought less of themselves for not saying no to me, and others who did say no almost before I could say I was there to meet someone I didn’t know and ...

So, the rejections came based purely on looks and in the first ten seconds. I didn’t even have a chance to be “interesting” because they were comparing the fantasies they’d developed as we communicated online to the person who showed up and giving me the bad news immediately. That didn’t happen when I was younger and I hope like hell I’m smart enough that it never happens again, even if I have to go to a senior center and sign up for pickleball.

by Anonymousreply 44June 22, 2022 6:01 AM

A new angle on hunblebragging.

by Anonymousreply 45June 22, 2022 6:03 AM

[quote] I am a good looking top guy with 8.5 inches. I have had sex with well over 1,000 men

Wise call to lead with this; if you had declared that you were a bottom and had decided to quit getting fucked your steamy little thread would be attended by only crickets and tumbleweeds.

by Anonymousreply 46June 22, 2022 6:23 AM

"I’ve never been celibate for any period of time."

by Anonymousreply 47June 22, 2022 6:38 AM

So, if the OP started whoring at age 20, according to my calculations, that means he's been with fifty different mean for each of the last 20 years. Which means...

You're a WHORE darlin'...a WHORE.

by Anonymousreply 48June 22, 2022 6:44 AM

This EST is total proof that 99.9% of DL is comprised of elderly bottoms. The comments are so kind to the strapping, 8.5 inch insatiable cocksman with a heart of gold. If a bottom told the same story they would be eviscerated.

by Anonymousreply 49June 22, 2022 6:57 AM


by Anonymousreply 50June 22, 2022 7:00 AM

Could you possibly be any more boring?

by Anonymousreply 51June 22, 2022 7:08 AM

I’ve learned questioning the status quo of the gay world, especially social or sexual norms, only invites harsh criticism from other gay men, where the only real problem or issue identified is your bad attitude or perception of things. It leads to a lot of isolation, because you can’t be open or honest about feelings or struggle, and you’ll just be dismissed or made fun of.

The cattiness can be funny here on DL, but in real life, you are perceived as strange because you want something more or different than endless hookups—or because you.want real connections with other men based on more than the mutual pursuit of cock. So you figure the problem is you, and go back to seeking fulfillment by doing more of what you feel is eating your soul, because the at least there is some company in the misery.

Ultimately you have to have the strength to figure out what you want or need and act accordingly. Life is short. But if you are waiting on a cheering section from the gay world, you’ll be waiting a long time. And DL is the last place to look for it.

by Anonymousreply 52June 22, 2022 12:42 PM

I am all for it. I practice celibacy mostly because I am too ugly to get anything. I find it comforting to know I don’t need to hookup to be happy. People who just chase after cock and hookups are like addicts trying to fill a void. They will never be satisfied. The sex crazed are surely inferior.

by Anonymousreply 53June 22, 2022 12:48 PM

OP says he doesn't masturbate either.

IMO not shooting loads regularly is not healthy for the plumbing. Supposed to be bad for the prostate, too. At 40, this is too young to stop flushing the pipes.

by Anonymousreply 54June 22, 2022 12:54 PM

So what you’re saying is that you’re struggling with the fact that everything else doesn’t come as easy as sex. I don’t have a lot of sympathy here, this is something you should’ve started to realize at least a decade ago.

by Anonymousreply 55June 22, 2022 1:02 PM

R54, regular masturbation can still be considered practicing celibacy.

R55 Exact opposite, I wish sex came as easy as everything else in life lol.

by Anonymousreply 56June 22, 2022 1:13 PM

[quote] The comments are so kind to the strapping, 8.5 inch insatiable cocksman with a heart of gold.


by Anonymousreply 57June 22, 2022 4:25 PM

It's funny r49, I was thinking of OP as tall and thin and a bit shallow not "strapping with a heart of gold", but I'm not fapping to him.

by Anonymousreply 58June 22, 2022 5:32 PM

How about mingling your bullshits, OP?

And how about keeping your bullshits to yourself, since they're not engaging, they're implicitly homophobic/sex-aversive, and blaming?

What a masquerading cunt troll.

[quote]Do masculine gay men still go out to gay bars? At least in NYC OP is right, and the triggered responses of all these people prove his point. Men in the gay world HAVE gotten femmier and femmier as the years have passed, and the NYC crowd is as feminine as ever. I think it’s because gay culture has become so mainstreamed there are so many messages as to “how” to be gay: and the young gay men are taught as teens at this point to flame it up. Masc, secure, chill gay men are a rarity, which is why they’re so sought after.

by Anonymousreply 59June 22, 2022 5:43 PM

Humans are not designed for celibacy. It's a disastrous mind f*ck to screw up with a natural desire to bust a load. So jack off when you feel really horny instead of going to Grindr.

Most importantly, step up your game. Not the quantity, but the quality. Keep your eyes open and start gradually stepping into an elevated, higher league where a more stable, content, satisfying, successful, beautiful crowd is functioning way beyond your level of unhappiness.

by Anonymousreply 60June 22, 2022 6:10 PM

Man whore gets bored with banging. Makes sense.

by Anonymousreply 61June 22, 2022 6:17 PM

[quote]Humans are not designed for celibacy. It's a disastrous mind f*ck to screw up with a natural desire to bust a load.

R60 ,Celibacy doesn't mean NOT masturbating. It means not having sex with another person. He can jerk off as much as he wants, he is still Celibant.

by Anonymousreply 62June 23, 2022 3:34 AM

R19 thinks he's straight. Those poor, sick perverts. Reduced to cruising gay gossip sites to get their thrills.

by Anonymousreply 63June 23, 2022 3:36 AM

Of course celibates masturbate. We just don't have sex with other people.

by Anonymousreply 64June 23, 2022 4:25 AM

No one finds you attractive anyway OP, so it's a good thing.

by Anonymousreply 65June 23, 2022 4:45 AM

No subtle whoring with this one.

by Anonymousreply 66June 23, 2022 5:05 AM

I know something was fishy and my theory about thirsty elder bottoms proven correctly when hot dogs down a hallway De-Facto was far too keen to comfort and defend.

by Anonymousreply 67June 23, 2022 6:39 AM

OP's story just screams 'humblebrag'

by Anonymousreply 68June 23, 2022 7:26 AM

R67, DeFacto WISHES he had a hotdogs-n-hallways situation going on. He has admitted to not having had sex for six years.

by Anonymousreply 69June 23, 2022 12:12 PM

Well if you are ugly and no one wants to have sex with you celibacy is pretty easy to maintain unfortunately…

by Anonymousreply 70June 23, 2022 12:23 PM

This guy knows everything and he recommends it.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 71June 23, 2022 12:23 PM

R71 interesting will need to try it. As I am celibate due to being an ugly gay man, I feel that I have conquered the desire many people fall into a trap with: sexual desire. It’s such a basic crude animalistic desire and people can’t help themselves and act like a dog in heat… if you comment on how that seems stupid to do, you are called “sex negative”.

by Anonymousreply 72June 23, 2022 12:41 PM


by Anonymousreply 73June 23, 2022 12:42 PM

Interesting, R71. I used to know a very nice and attractive gay Indian man who was a big fan of Sadhguru. I certainly hope he didn't choose celibacy, it would be quite the waste.

by Anonymousreply 74June 23, 2022 1:12 PM

I don't really see the point in celibacy. It seems to be unnecessarily punishing for no benefit.

I think you need to focus on quality, not quantity OP. You say you have had a lot of sex, with a lot of men, but what percentage of that was really enjoyable and fulfilling? Fast food sex just makes you empty inside.

by Anonymousreply 75June 23, 2022 1:21 PM

Also having read through more of the thread now I see you aren't even going to masturbate and ejaculate on a regular basis which is straight up unhealthy and has been linked to higher prevalence of prostate cancer. If you don't want to fuck guys, at the very least make sure you clean your pipes once a week!

by Anonymousreply 76June 23, 2022 1:33 PM

The age old gay dilemma - realizing in middle age that life and partnership have little to do with sex. Sex is actually a misleading distraction in the hunt for happiness. It’s so much clearer now in my 50s that the biological, urgent sex drive has waned. The opportunities and encouragement of sexual abundance in gay youth can be a distraction from accomplishing what means most in life. And that includes finding a domestic partner to live life with - after the sex mania has waned.

by Anonymousreply 77June 23, 2022 1:58 PM

all the rhetoric of an ex-gay but none of the commitment

by Anonymousreply 78June 23, 2022 2:04 PM

So, OP, you replaced seeking validation through sex with seeking validation on DL starting threads like this one? Great. *two thumbs up*

"I'm celibate now, y'all! Look at me!"

Why, no, you're not a trolling attention whore at all! AT ALL!

by Anonymousreply 79June 23, 2022 2:12 PM

Maybe a healing trip to an Ayahuasca retreat is what you need to find your answers.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 80June 23, 2022 2:24 PM

"I am a good looking top guy with 8.5 inches. I have had sex with well over 1,000 men since I was 19 years old. Cruises, Grindr, traveling, etc. I don’t consider myself any kind of sex addict, it’s just plentiful and I’ve had LOTS of it"......

but would you consider yourself an attention addict?

by Anonymousreply 81June 23, 2022 4:17 PM

[quote] I have had sex with well over 1,000 men since I was 19 years old.


by Anonymousreply 82June 23, 2022 6:05 PM
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