How to stop being treated like a doormat

OP, it doesn't sound like that will change until you get some new friends. Friendship, however, has to be without expectations in terms of quid pro quo. If you think that going out with someone when they want to go entitles you to them going with you when you want to go, it doesn't. As far as a doormat, you set yourself up if you do things that you really don't want to do because then you resent it later when the other person won't do the same. So if you aren't in the mood or wonder if the person who asked would do the same, just decline the invitation. When you play a role in these situations, people assume it is because you want to do so. Don't do things you don't want to do.

Fair enough. I don't think I've been invited to anything I really didn't want to do though. A mud8cal festival once, that's it.

I just don't know how to go from being the guy who is always there for others to being the guy others are always there for.

R2, stop being a martyr. That's the word you're looking for, martyr, not "doormat". You expect to be rewarded for your selfless goodness. But the expectation of reward is anything but selfless. If you don't enjoy what you're doing "for" other people, just stop doing it. At least have the self awareness that you perform these acts because it makes you feel good about yourself. A little better than everyone else, if you're really honest.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

R3

That's...an interesting spin.

I wrote this because I'm trying to take stock of my life. I've had many close friends and enjoyed being close with them....but getting older you start to see whether or not that kindness comes back or if it's a one-sided thing.

Of course I'm nice to people because it feels good. Not everyone who starts a thread is some psycho, you know. I behave the way I feel like we should all behave. I try to, anyway.

I also take off my shoes when I go into a house. I don't do it for praise and I don't expect any. But when you see people who don't do the same, you can't help but think something's up.

Here's my situation: I'm always there for others and others are almost never there for me. How do I fix it?

"Get new friends"? Ok....but how do I make sure I'm not going to give give give and get zippo in return all over again?

OP, you suck.

Okay. Pointless bitchery? Check.

Now: insights, personal anecdotes, observations? :) Those would be cool.

You sound like a really nice guy. Where do you live?

HERE’S AN OBSERVATION: MAN UP SISSY! DO YOU EVEN HAVE BALLS OR ARE YOU JUST SMOOTH DOWN THERE LIKE A KEN DOLL?

CUNT!

OP if it makes you feel any better, I feel very much the same way.

Other people are #3 and #4 on my list but I’m #20 on theirs. It’s a fine balance of not giving them too much of me but also initiating conversation and hangout time with them so I won’t be too lonely.

OP, I’ve been there. Tried to be a good friend, hoping that the favor would be returned. I disagree that relaionships should not be quid pro quo, i.e., without expectations. But you have to be realistic about your expectations. You also have to ask for what you want: Hey, would you be my wingman tonight - I need to get laid. If the answer is no or crickets, you know where you stand.

Sadly, there just aren’t that many people out there who are giving and who can have much more than a surface (emoji-filled texts) relationship. As you get older, it’s even harder to find giving friends.

You seem to have a lot of energy. Why not just focus it on yourself.

I agree with the poster above that you need to stop saying yes to things you don’t want to do.

I know how you feel OP. I'm approaching 50 and I realize that some of my close friends really are not there for me and I've done things for them that I didn't want to do but did it to make them happy. I agree with others - find new friends. It's hard, though, especially when you have been friends with these people for a long time. But sometimes you just have to realize that the friendship is never going to change.

I wonder if I start being an asshole would people respect me.

OP, don't change who you are to become more like the ingrates you seem to associate with - and i dont say that to disparaging, I too have had this problem.

I have found that distancing from people like this in my circle is the best approach - dont cut them off entirely, just distance, in every way ex. See them less often even when invited, don't initiate contact, etc. . People will realize this is occurring pretty quickly and they'll either step up, or stay away. And nothing of value will be lost, other than fake/unworthy friends.

I've culled my "friends" list to quite an extent using this approach. Focus on the reciprocal relationships only. They're the only ones worth your time; in this respect YOU should be selfish.

You sound like a great person, someone that I would personally cherish as a friend. Remember this, and don't diminish yourself.

I hear you. My advice is to not stay inside your own head. It’s not a good place to stay if you want to live a relatively happy life.

I used to wonder why I felt so disappointed and let down by people too. I read something - I think it was in a cognitive therapy book - that my anger and disappointment stemmed for my expectation that other people be or have the same outlook as me, e.g., if I'm a loyal and good friend to you, then you should be a loyal and good friend to me. It doesn't work that way. It's very freeing when you realize you can't control other people's behavior, only your own.

And, as per other comments - lots of good advice there - don't do things you don't want to do. Because you ARE a doormat if you do that. Be honest with your motives. Are you only helping for validation? Are you being too needy? Also, lower your expectations of other people. I can't stress this enough. Go forward, OP, help out where you can and when you want to, but don't expect anything in return. You'll be more confident in yourself because of it and, who knows, maybe you'll attract better friends. Good luck!

What do you mean R14?

Don’t over analyze. Accept that most people are limited in friendship capacities and are self-centered. Don’t be overly giving to your own detriment. Don’t over focus on the inadequacy going on (going inside your own head). It’ll just frustrate you and will not help. It’ll take away your energies for living a peaceful and enjoyable life.

I’m sorry—did you say something?

OP: there’s a lot of good advice in some of the posts above.

Also, it’s been said before, but I mean it in the most positive way: if you want a best friend, get a dog. People’s cuntiness won’t hurt you so much—and you’ll always be appreciated and loved.

OP, IMO You have a right to expect some reciprocity in a friendship. Your needs/wants are just as important as your friends' needs/wants. Start backing away from the worst offenders among your friends. Set limits. I've been down Empath Road myself and it was damaging finally. Don't lend money. Don't be the eternal wingman.

ALSO: Face these people and tell them how you feel about what's been going on. Those who respond positively may be worth holding on to. Dump the rest.

Yes, DON'T lend money.

I've done it once, for a friend to put a deposit on a rental. She said she would pay me back by X date, but didn't. When she did pay me back, she was so proud of herself: Look, I paid you back! I'm actually glad I lent her the money, b/c she was in a bad roommate situation. However, I didn't like her attitude of congratulating herself for repaying a no-interest loan to a friend.

I find myself in this situation too often. I feel like I'm constantly the one initiating contact, setting up a social something, suggesting a play to go see, etc.

It almost never comes back to me from anyone. It makes me think it must be me.

Dataloungers are like 14 year old girls about friendships, keeping careful accounts for reckoning, always giving, giving, giving (translation: "Where the fuck is MINE?")

I have friends who are very conscientious about whose turn it is and repaying every kindness promptly and fully, and then I have friends who trade in an entirely different currency than mine, and we get along beautifully.

This is something you figure out early on: X is going to invite me to his house all the time, I could show up unannounced and be welcomed warmly, served drink and food, but if I invite X out, I pay. It's just the pattern we fell into early on. I'm okay with it, he's okay with it, and we're close friends. Each friend is different, some are organizers, some are not. Some are no good at all at offering advice but great at some other thing. The equal exchange of goods and services should be at most a secondary aspect of friendship, not primary.

Playing wingman? Nevermind how ridiculous that idea seems, but what do you want in return? What are you "out" by having done this? Do you want this friend to do the same for you? Have you asked him, or are you waiting for him to suggest the night out where he helps you get fucked?

Your friends are not exactly like you. Stop grading them by the scale you use for yourself. Otherwise find friends who play exactly by your rules or get a mirror and enjoy your own company.

I hear what you're saying R23, but it does get a little demoralizing when you find yourself always doing the inviting.

you can be a wingman (who needs that?) but can't find new friends.

yeah...

Sycophancy is self-destructive behaviour.

Only a psychologist can be of help to explore the deep-rooted cause of your inferiority issues, OP.

You’re worth it.

OP - I am the same way. It's a truly shitty realization when you figure out that some of your "closest" friends aren't there for you at all. Believe me, I know. Pretty destabilizing - especially if you're single. But life goes on.

I've gotten some really good advice from DL about this issue, the bottom line (hehe) seems to be that you either take your friendships for what they are and live with the dynamic OR you cut your losses and look for new people to spend time with. I took inventory and cut 2 longtime friends because they were making me feel really shitty about myself and I was the one completely driving the friendship, which just felt pathetic at this stage in my life (in my 40s).

As for the rest of my friends, I've accepted that the dynamic is what it is and it's not the end of the world. Different friends are good for different things. Not everything is an equal exchange and that's fine. Sometimes you just want a person to hang out with. It's not that deep.

And I've actively sought out new friends. Which takes effort, but is worth it. And with these new friends, I've set boundaries early on (I know, I know - BOUNDARIES - MARY) and I've looked for any red flags early on so I don't invest years into people who don't really give a fuck about me.

Google datalounge and friendship and you'll see some really good advice.

Last thing I will say about this - in my 20s, I sought out friends who were similarly damaged and they were entertaining and funny and dark and I loved it. Most of those friendships have not aged well. In the past few years, I've tried to work on my issues and become less damaged (MARY!) and I've realized it's better to focus on people who are more stable, even if they aren't as funny or "interesting."

Good luck OP. You do sound like a nice person.

When friend I hadn't seen in a long time said "I never hear from you." I replied "Phones work both ways."

The fact that you came here and then started whining people weren't treating you nicely enough is very indicative of your problems. Whether you will admit it or not, OP, you are very self-centered.

TBH, it sounds like you need to work through these problems via therapy. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't seem to be helping.

I hear you, OP. You're not asking for anything, really. You're just finally realizing that you have different standards for friendship from those of your friends. Anyone here who thinks you are bitching has no idea what they're talking about. You may have a little bit of Mr. Nice Guy syndrome (it's a thing), but it sounds like you're a natural helper and have ended up in friendships where that's become your expected role.

Once you realize that most of these friends can fend for themselves and will move on when you're not available to help, you can relax about their needs being taken care of.

I've been through this and, although I can't say this is the psychologically appropriate way to manage it, it is pretty effective: the satellite delay. Don't reply to certain people's texts immediately. Give them time to take care of the problem before you text or call back. You probably don't even realize ways you are stepping in to help, even just asking certain questions on the phone. Learn to reply with phrases like "Oh man, I am so sorry to hear that!" instead of "Is there anything you need?" This is hard, because you have some people-pleasing habits.

Stop loaning money, period. Sorry to be blunt, but unless you are saintly, it is really hard to not take it personally when a friend proves through their neglect that they really don't respect you.

Be less available to those who aren't on your wavelength. It doesn't mean you have to cut anyone out. You'll be surprised--everyone will survive.

Wear your NOT TODAY SATAN t-shirt in front of your so called friends

Don't ever lend money if you can't let it go completely. If you really want to help and can afford it, gift it and/or tell them to pay it forward and help someone else when they can.

"Things that you held high and told yourself were true/ lost or changing as the days come down to you./ Down to you . . .Old friends seem indifferent/ you must have brought that on/ Old bonds are broken down/ Love is gone . . .It all comes down to you.- Joni Mitchel

When someone shows you who they are, believe them

OP, it's natural to feel the way you do. Everyone needs a friend at times, and it's hard to feel that nobody is your friend when you need one. Some of the advice here is great. I'll expand on some and add one more.

As someone suggested above, do not do anything you truly do not want to do. Your example of being your friend's wingman, for instance. It sounds like an excruciatingly awkward experience, and a waste of your time. You go, you have to stand around while they flirt, and then you leave asap so they can meet cute without you cramping their style? WTF, man? Why did you do this to yourself.? What do you get out of it? This is classic doormat behavior. You didn't want to do it, be honest. So don't do it. You are allowed. Like someone else wrote above, your friends will survive. It's not your job to find them a partner or a hook up.

Second, the advice of lowering your expectations is good. Most people will not be as giving and as kind as you are. So, put all your attention on yourself first, then the friends who do reciprocate, then friends you have things in common with (i.e. the friend that you go to the cinema with, exercise buddy, etc. etc.), and then acquaintances. You and the people you are very close to, the people who are there for you when you need it, they are your people, OP. Everyone else is expendable. Harsh? So what? You matter! The expendable friends will survive, don't worry about them.

This is my advice: Remember that people cannot read your mind. What is obvious to you is not obvious to them. If you need something, ask for it. If you want a friend to change a behavior, tell them. If your friend hurt your feelings, let them know. You want a wingman or someone to set you up on a blind date? Ask a friend to help you. I have a feeling, OP, that you are a helper that doesn't know how to ask for help. Start practicing. The people who help you are worth keeping as friends. The one's who don't? Lose their number.

Last things: Yes, therapy is a good idea. This all sounds like a pattern of behavior. Have a trusted therapist help you figure out why you end up in these situations. My hunch is that you forgot that boundaries are for you - you need to have boundaries on your own behavior and discipline yourself. For example, stop inviting people to your birthday party that never come. Stop seeking these flakes out. So what if your birthday party ends up being a party of four instead of twenty? At least you know those four are good friends.

You wrote that you are the kind of friend you want to have. Be that friend to yourself, first and always. Good luck, OP! I'm rooting for you!

OP, I was a lot like you described until I hit my 30's. You sound maybe in your 20's. All of these answers are good ones. The only thing I can add is probably to ask yourself after you spend time with someone, whatever the reason, how much did I just enjoy myself? If the answer repeatedly is, not much, then lower the amount of time spent with that person. Be your own best friend first. This has helped me be less over-helpful.

OP, don’t listen to the Marys and the cunts. It is perfectly acceptable for you to question what you are getting in return for your friendship. If I an good to my friends I expect them to be good to me as well. That is how relationships work. If you find that they are doing all the taking and you are doing all the giving, then it may be time to find new friends, or perhaps not make yourself so available.

Guys like OP need to learn and embrace the concept of "growing as a person".

It is incredibly rare that we master life's challenges at our first tries. We go through life and want general things (like money, relationships, etc.) and then we get them somehow we realize that we are not yet satisfied and want a more specific version.

Take relationships for example. At first, you want just someone, then someone comes along, but he is abusive and cruel. Ideally, you end this relationship and wish for someone who isn't cruel and abusive, and you get someone who isn't cruel and abusive, but he cheats on you. Ideally, you end this relationship and wish for someone who isn't cruel, abusive and doesn't cheat on you. And that can potentially go on forever. Always finding out something new about yourself and what you want in (your) life.

Life is about discovery. Don't be afraid of moving on after you've learned your lesson.

No you are not a doormat. You have been too nice and they have taken you for granted. You should let them know you will not be there forever.

The price you paid for saying yes everytime.