Young Gay Coworker Who Lives as Hetero

I think you need to get a hobby, OP.

Who IS Bob Benson?

Stay away from this grifter. Especially if you have a "little" crush on him.

It's work.

He seems a prick tease to me. Watch from afar OP!

He could be FtM or his "wife" could be the opposite. 🤷‍♂️

His small town frau wife, that he has known forever, would not have married him if he was trans. He could simply be bi or one of those young soy boys.

Very short men are also horrendously insecure. Its possible he has zero male friends and this is his way of being friendly with you and trying to relate to you.

Teasing and flirting with you is weird and unprofessional even if he is closeted. Avoid this one like the monkeypox.

What R5 said. Avoid.

He sounds troubled and you should stay the fuck away from him OP. Types like that are unstable and attention-seeking and the last thing you need is drama at work. Seriously.

OK! Thanks!

And what if he takes another job...

Couldn't you chek if he is trans in the men room, OP? By the pisoires?

Nope, R9.

Even if he IS gay.. these small town guys wont leave their wives until they hit a mid-life crisis or they will secretly hook up on the side forever.

Like the others said he wants attention and drama. Hes an insecure bitch. My money is still on trendy hipster soy boy.

Have you checked dating apps? Is he on there?

I have a coworker like your coworker, OP.

He also lives with his wife, but it’s obvious he’s gay.

I honestly DGAF.

It’s none of my business.

He’s an otherwise great guy, who for whatever reasons, isn’t ready to come out. For all I know, his wife might be his roommate, or she may truly be his wife. I speculated upon this for no more than 60 seconds, and then I went on with my day.

How old are you, OP?

I ask, because this is something that you’d better get used to, if you haven’t already.

Gays who live in small towns or come from them, don’t have rainbows flying out of their ears, everywhere they go. Sometimes, being closeted is a way for them to survive in very conservative, non accepting households and social structures. They don’t usually come out as soon as they move out to a bigger, more liberal city.

Sometimes, it takes them a few years of being away from home, in order for them to feel safe about coming out.

Mind your own business and just be a respectful and decent coworker.

If he takes another job, I would still stay away from him. It sounds like he's playing games. Married to a woman but going to gay bars and openly flirting with a gay man 15 years older than him at work? Saying explicit stuff bordering on inappropriate? In considerable debt? What you wrote is red flag after red flag.

It's not like he's been appropriate at work and you gradually became friends with him and he asked to talk to you one day and said he was closeted and needed advice on coming out, etc.

R11 Not on the apps unless it's sans face photo. But I don't think so because I often sign in during work and see no one nearby who I'd suspect of being him.

R12 I'm 43.

Interestingly, a couple of weeks ago, I got an email from a consultant I have known for over a decade who has been in a messy divorce process, and he confided that he is gay and never could face his reality. He's almost 60 now. He has two kids and is worried about how to tell them even though he thinks they know/suspect. It was a really heartfelt email, and he said knowing me has always given him strength and inspiration to come closer to being himself. It made me cry and influenced how I am thinking about the younger guy. If he is gay and ends up with a pregnant wife...oy. I didn't realize this kind of thing happens much anymore, but immigrants from conservative small towns remind me that this strange world of self-delusion still exists. Wouldn't it be better to try to be someone's support system *before* they end up like Aaron Schock?

R13 He has told me and others he and his wife go to gay bars together. That's what makes me think it might be a generational thing. Bisexual people and open relationships do exist.

You've posted this before OP

Or something very much like it

R16 No, I haven't. Maybe someone else has.

I have posted a lot to DL (sometimes snarkily, usually sincerely) and never about anything like this. I've never been in this situation. Almost all my work friends have been women and I have never been in this kind of situation before. I'm a very supportive person and it's tempting to try to help this kid if he needs it.

OP fuck off. Why are you informing me that bisexual people and open relationships exist? YOU wrote that this coworker is “gay gay gay.” I was responding to what YOU wrote. Your entire post is about how “gay” this guy is.

You sound like a troll and an unstable drama queen too. So yes - hang out with this guy. Maybe befriend his wife too. Get all up in their bisexual open relationship. And when she gets pregnant (which she will) - offer to babysit.

R18 Well yes my perception is that he is 'very gay.' And honestly, most bi men I have known have not really acted that gay. So I will take that hit. You're right. He acts gay and I think he is gay. I'm just trying to work out the puzzle. (Other coworkers are, too.)

I think it’s hysterical that you have no interest in helping out the 60 year-old who has confided in you and pretty much asked for help, but you are trying to rationalize acting on your crush on a guy 15 years younger as helping him.

At least you are honest about it. But, seriously, stay away from the younger guy. He’s trouble (as others have already pointed out). He’s going to cause a problem, one way or another. If he leaves you can consider reaching out to him to “network” after he has been gone a year.

R20 I don't? I wrote back to him with a long encouraging note and told him to let me know how things are going. We are acquaintances, not close friends, and I really appreciate that he opened up to me in that way and absolutely support him. I see him twice a year and I work with the other guy in an office five days a week.

"Would you try to coax him into facing the truth?"

But you, as you've been stating, don't know what the truth is. What exactly do you think you need to tell him in order to "help" him?

R22 That's the most resonant point so far. I don't know. Does he really need help of any kind? I can admit I am projecting that entirely. I get a sense that he is reaching out for some kind of support but he hasn't said so explicitly. So yeah, that's a storyline that originated inside my head. I can admit that.

I think that r12 hit the nail on the head. A friend of a friend was engaged to a very flamboyant guy. They were from a small town, and moved to the ‘big city’ together after high school (neither attended college). They had a lot of gay friends, and her fiancé was flirty and touchy freely with all of the guys, after a couple of drinks. His fiancé laughed it off. I honestly thought that he was bisexual, and that she was OK with it. They broke up because of his drinking, and she came around a few months later crying and upset because she found out that he was having sex with men and she had no idea. I was shocked that she was clueless. 10 years later, he is still dating both men and women (he is also a full blown alcoholic). Let’s be honest…even the most liberal women don’t want to date men who are having sex with other men.

Odd as it is to me at 54 that gay men under 30 would still be closeted in 2022, it is shockingly common. I think it’s all so easy now - but I guess for some, specially from small towns, it is still a struggle. Must be painful.

R24 Yes, I think along the same lines. I imagine his wife is in absolute denial. I imagine he encouraged her to move to a more urban environment because he needs to spread his wings and deal with his own sexuality. I imagine that he is deeply conflicted and is a prime candidate for self-destructive behavior because he is compelled to be himself but also hates himself for hiding who he is from his wife.

That I said I *imagine* all this is not lost on me. It's all speculation.

It's speculation because it is what happened to my grandmother. She married her charming, handsome best friend. They escaped their oppressive, opportunity-free small Pennsylvania town to move to a city. She caught him fucking a guy. He admitted he was gay. They divorced. She married my grandfather, who was an alcoholic, and her first husband died of alcoholism. She was bitter all her life up until the end. She was the most doting, loving grandmother in the world until puberty hit me and then she was just plain mean to me. It really fucked me up. Thank God everyone else in my family supported me. A couple of years before she died, she told my sister and me about her first husband (which my mom had already told us). She didn't know we knew. She sounded so sad and she said she had just realized in reflection that he was not a bad person. He just wanted to live his life like she did and he had to hurt her to do it and she forgave him. I forgave her when she said that. And I don't want anyone else to have that kind of unnecessary hurt.

OP, I’m not trying to pick on you. But you posted here about the guy who did NOT reach out to you.

I get it. I understand the different situations. And I don’t doubt that you were kind to the 60 year-old. You sound very nice. I just think the circumstances are funny. It’s like something you’d see in a movie. The 60 year old is trying to get you to do what you want to do with the younger guy. And that’s perfectly natural. I just think it’s very funny.

My (then) co-worker story.

In the late aughts, I was visiting Chicago for the weekend, with, as always, a Friday happy hour stop at the very-missed Gentry, a gay piano bar. The wall was adorned with pics of hunky men. I’m approached by a very straight-looking, well-preserved man in his 50s who tells me that I look like the guys on the wall. I realize he’s a co-worker, although based in a city about 75 miles from my office. My office of several hundred would have annual meetings, so that’s how I recognized him.

His name was never mentioned throughout the years when the office gays would talk about who’s who, so I had to assume he was, at least, deeply closeted. I could tell that he had no clue who I was. He started talking about work. I decided to play dumb, thinking it would freak him out if he knew I was a co-worker. Then, without warning, he just vanished.

I later learned that he was married (to a woman) & had children. Soon thereafter, I was due to receive an honor which would merit my picture being in the office newsletter. I dreaded him seeing it, mostly because I didn’t want him to think his “secret” was known. As it happens, he took an early retirement before the newsletter was published.

He recently died, still married to his wife & said to be a devoted husband, father & grandfather. When a straight colleague sent me his obit & asked if we had ever met, I said we met once & left it that.

R27 I get where you are coming from but I really don't agree. The older guy did reach out to me and I wrote back immediately with no hesitation. I encouraged him and told him to let me know anytime he needs to talk. I did not reject him. But I literally see him two times every year and we don't live in the same city.

The younger guy has not said anything at all explicit about needing my support. But he comes to my office many times a day with seemingly invented reasons to 'bother' me, and he does drop these little remarks about guys hitting on him and how flattering it is, etc. When we are in a group of people, he looks at me almost the entire time he is talking. It's unusual behavior and I am just puzzling out what to make of it. He is either flirting aggressively, which I doubt because we are at work and because I'm not really that hot, or else he is trying to connect with me for some other reason. The latter seems more likely to me. Several people in the office came to me to ask if I thought he was gay when we returned from the pandemic isolation. It's on everyone's mind, and unless I am entirely delusional, he is seeking my attention for some reason.

I can take all the assumptions about my judgments and perceptions but I am actually bothered by the suggestions I have dismissed/ignored the older guy because I haven't. I have a deep, sad sympathy for both husbands and wives of marriages that only happen because one of them can't be themself because of what I said above about my grandmother. Self-hatred killed her first husband and their shared denial about his reality shaped her world in a very negative way. She was in her late 80s by the time she realized that he wasn't a villain who married her just to destroy her life.

Men can seem gay, but are really manly hetero men. Take it from me.

Hey, Op. Maybe he just needs someone to talk to. If you are open and gay, that send him positive signals you may not be judgmental towards him, unless you are. Maybe he doesn't want to suck your dick, but just wants to know how it's done. Just in case he meets someone. A little kindness goes a long way.

Have you seen him naked?

this guy is definitely not worth the attention (if he exists)

Why do I keep seeing the cover of a cheap paperback, "He Lived Like a Hetero!"

OP you are the perfect example of people who manufacture their own drama and then complain how they have drama in their life. This guy’s problems are not yours. Go to work, do your job, ignore this person outside of work-related tasks, and date openly gay, secure men. “Problem” solved. If I was your boss I’d be concerned with how much time both of you seem to be wasting.

Play him some Tom Petty, and sing along, but change the words

You don't have to live like a hetero

(Don't have to live like a hetero-oh)

OP, I agree with R1, but I would also tell you to mind your own business.

Stop speculating about him. What you are doing is homophobic -- you're policing masculine behavior.

Oh, his mannerisms are effeminate...so what? Who are you to decide if he's gay or straight?

Don’t you all see that OP hopes that the crush goes both way and wants your encouragement, wants you to tell him that the guy is interested and OP should test the waters. Seems like you have never been young.

I also vote that OP is getting off on all the drama.

OP, this is likely going to burn you bad but you seem to enjoy it either way so there's not much point going long.

I would say this: the guy who wrote you was influenced by you without your interference. You plainly want to bang this complicated little co-worker. You are so gonna get burned and you may be dumb enough to deserve it. Enjoy job hunting at your age and with this mess to explain.

R38, he's 43 years old. Hardly "young".

I actually have this exact same situation with a newish colleague myself, except he is not recently moved to a big city but has lived in big cities for years. Other than that, it’s almost word for word.

OP here. Very interesting consensus. It actually shifts my perception.

A lot of people are talking about all the drama I am involved in, though, and I wonder what 'all the drama' is that you are perceiving. To my knowledge, I've speculated about the guy's sexuality with coworkers and he and I chat in the office, mainly when he comes to ask me questions. We went to one happy hour with a coworker and there was nothing inappropriate discussed. What is 'all the drama' that I have insinuated myself into and deserve?

[quote]To my knowledge, I've speculated about the guy's sexuality with coworkers

HR issue waiting to happen.

OP, you can't "fix" people. It's a waste of energy.

[Quote]He has told me and others he and his wife go to gay bars together.

Has anyone just ASKED him if he is bi? Or why he goes to gay bars with his wife? Im curious to know his reply to that. He could just be trying too hard to fit in.

R46 He first mentioned it to older ladies, who relayed it to me (because I am gay and I guess they thought I might be able to explain or something). Then he later mentioned it to me.

I haven't and I doubt anyone has asked if he is bi because that does seem like an inappropriate question within an office space, doesn't it?

He did tell me about a couple of guys hitting on him, which I guess is an opening for asking if he is bi. I asked "how did you feel about that?" And he said "I was flattered, OF COURSE."

I admit that the enigmatic nature of it is kind of amusing in a certain kind of way. If he weren't married, that would change absolutely everything about it and I probably would have asked "Are you gay or not? I can't tell," since he's so friendly and disarming. But I figure a gay man married to a woman might short circuit if asked that point blank if he is in denial. I do also wonder if maybe it's just a very unconventional relationship since younger people seem to have no hangups about sexuality. It's a real curiosity.

It is inappropriate to ask, but so is telling older office ladies that you go to gay bars, and telling a gay man he gets hit on by men. I stand by my original theory, he is an insecure 5'4 dude with few friends, and blabbing about his life to anyone within earshot is his way of getting attention.

And, R44, just generally classy. I imagine they cradleds mugs too.

Ask him out for drinks after work, and take him to a Gay Bar. His defenses will be down with his brain lubed up with booze and his little cocklet standing at attention under the table.

And then casually ask him if he knows what Grindr is. Then tell him a funny Grindr story to get him to be inquisitive and engage in conversation. He'll pretty much out himself without realizing it based on what he asks.

Then you go in for the kill, and fuck the shit out of him in the Men's Room! You can't rape the willing!!!

Maybe he’s just trying to seem edgy and “fluid” like all the kidz these days. A lot of it comes down to attention seeking, at least for Gen Z, making dull people seem more interesting than they are. The only way to satisfy your curiosity is to flat out ask, is he attracted to guys? Failing that speculation is a waste of time.

[quote]And I feel like at some point he's going to confess it to me, which is good, because I think he really needs someone he can trust to confide in without judgment.

Well, thank god he has someone like you who feels free to speculate about all of his personal secrets on the internet.

Office hook ups NEVER end well. If we havent done it ourselves,we've seen it happening. Always a bad idea. My niece dated this mid 20s guy for a while and you'd have sworn he was as gay as an Easter bonnet. He sewed,for gods sake ! Loved cats ad lived for the Wizard of Oz. He's got 4 kids now and seemingly very happy . I give up trying to figure out who's what these days.

[quote]I give up trying to figure out who's what these days.

Wise words that should be heeded by all.

I can't imagine devoting this much attention to the personal life of a co-worker. Have you no life of your own?

At best: unprofessional immature attention whore. No closeted gay (or even bi man) would brag about gay bars with wifey and watching men hook up.

At worst: a narcissist who is messing with you, senses your crush, flirts, and later may turn around and accuse you of saying or doing inappropriate things. Cover your ass and avoid telling him anything personal. Be wary of people who over-share in the workplace or ask you lots of questions. If he leaves you can be friends later on, but keep him at arms length for now. He doesnt need protecting or saving, he needs avoiding.

Seems like attention seeking to me.

R44/R49 IS he...?!!

All the best ones are either married or gay!

[quote] He did tell me about a couple of guys hitting on him, which I guess is an opening for asking if he is bi. I asked "how did you feel about that?" And he said "I was flattered, OF COURSE." I admit that the enigmatic nature of it is kind of amusing in a certain kind of way. If he weren't married, that would change absolutely everything about it and I probably would have asked "Are you gay or not? I can't tell," since he's so friendly and disarming.

My outgoing, gymratty, Arab BIL is like this. He loves attention, especially on his body (he's a former fat kid turned buff, and a Leo), and given the culture he's from and the fact his Dad is a controlling asshole, he values a homosocial opinion over a heterosocial one. Guys at his gym or his office or his coffee-shop constantly hit on him, and he laps it up and reports it later with glee. It's all about his ego, because he never follows up or does anything with it. He may enjoy gay attention or even flirtation, but ultimately he comes home and fucks my sister nights and seems to be very into it, so.

“My outgoing, gymratty, Arab BIL is like this.”

Your what what-what?

Pin r59 so perpetual reference. Dudes today who lift weights tend to love and crave attention for their buff physiques. Aesthetics males get off on attention, followers, adoration, and clout did their physiques. Most aren’t sexually attracted to dudes, or identify as such, but they are cool with dudes ‘’mirin their physiques. They are attracted to being desired for their physiques. See Tiktok gymbros

Let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out, OP.

Grey rock this guy. He’s trouble.

Mind your own business, OP.

op.

Stay away from loons, OP.

Maybe the little fellow is a closet case with sweet little wife and is starved for dick. And he wants to grab OP by the bussy, since he is the only available homosexual around. I mean if OP is not really ugly.

But since you are crazy there in America and can easily be charged as sexual abusers if you are very friendly, OP should be very careful wit this.

Stay away, lest you be accused of sexual harassment. This guy doesn't even have to be the accused. An onlooker can say something and get both of you fired.

0/100

Since you guys had fun being mean last year, here's a little update:

I've become fairly good friends with the younger coworker.

He's a sweet person. I still don't really know what to think of him and his situation—it gets a bit more complicated—but I really like him as a person and I'm hoping to remain friends.

He is desperate to find a new job because he wants to work in a different field and he needs to make more money. So he's eagerly applying and interviewing, and waiting to hear back on a position for which he is a finalize. Our mutual coworker and I have told him we will miss him when he leaves but wish him good luck.

I live in a neighborhood with a lot of nightlife, bars, etc., and he has come out here to apply for jobs in a neighborhood cafe, and he's texted me a couple of times and asked me to hang out. We've gone on long walks and to get lunch. I can't lie; I felt a bit like I was on a date.

Once he told me he was here with his wife and asked if I wanted to hang out. We did. She's cool, cute, and all that. We went to lunch and then to a couple of bars, and she led us to a gay/primarily lesbian bar...we had drinks there and after a couple, she told me that they got drunk somewhere a little while ago and she made out with a woman, who she brought home and 'had a lesbian moment with.' I didn't know how to respond and she said 'I encouraged him to find someone, too, but he didn't.' I looked at him and he looked kind of sheepish/bashful.

And that's about it. I'm not into the ladies and it seems like a very sticky wicket, but they both seem like nice people, he's still a sweetheart and adorable, and I do admit I still have a little crush on him and hope we'll stay in touch when he gets a new job. If he does, I do plan to ask him about his...interesting relationship and some of the peculiar things he has said to me, but only once we are no longer coworkers.

It's been an interesting experience for me because I am genuinely very content to be a single adult and I don't really ever long to be in a relationship, and at the same time, this is the first time in a very long time I've had a thumpity-thump heartbeat feeling. So I've decided I'm grateful he's awakened that inside me and it has made me think I should at least be open to the idea of a relationship with *someone.* I seriously doubt it would be him for a variety of reasons—his marriage, of course, our age difference.

I still think he's gay. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago to a female coworker that I had no idea the superbowl was coming up, and he acted surprised that it was and rolled his eyes and said "sports! Don't know anything about them, don't care!" We were at a work event a few weeks ago and I mentioned that someone had put a platter of fruit in a room and he looked at me and said 'I do love bananas.' Weird little things like that that seem unmistakably flirty/taunty. I actually asked ChatGPT about some of this for a truly objective viewpoint and it told me that it sounds like this other person is romantically interested in me and that the age difference may not matter; I then mentioned the marriage part and it chastised me and told me that not respecting a marriage is immoral! I told it I agree and it basically said, 'Sorry for your bad luck. Make the right choices.' lol

[quote]I see him twice a year and I work with the other guy in an office five days a week.

Well, at least one manages to dodge a bullet most of the time.

What an Extended Significant Tale, OP!

R56 I consider any possibility a viable possibility, but as of now, we have established a casual, completely platonic friendship and I expect he will have a different job elsewhere pretty soon—so I am curious about whether we will remain friends or just lose touch for the most part, as happens with most work friends.

Despite the crush I have, more than anything, I feel like he probably never felt like he could be himself where he came from and he probably needs and is seeking emotional support. He's from a very small town and he and his wife both told me they moved here to get away from its oppressive norms, and they don't even go back for holidays. If he does leave his job and I learn he is gay, I'd definitely offer platonic support overall. I know he is in therapy working through various things.

[quote] She told me that they got drunk somewhere a little while ago and she made out with a woman, who she brought home and 'had a lesbian moment with.'

ffs can we have an official government-mandated moratorium on bi/curious women saying this. it's so tired as well as misleading and pandering to the patriarchy

[quote] Be wary of people who over-share in the workplace or ask you lots of questions.

This is excellent advice, and should be a rule.

At my last job, I got completely blindsided financially and professionally by a narcissist grifter, who lovebombed me and tried to get really close enough to be my mentor/friend, so I'd overlook a lot of fraudulent and criminal behaviour as well as a sad fucked-up history of abuse (enacted by them and upon them). Am still working through the sense of betrayal, guilt and shame. You always think you'll never get caught in that, and you're too smart, it'll never happen to you (or at least, I thought that). It's amazing what harm manipulative people will just do to others without even blinking or flinching.