Let’s be college faculty and all things adjacent to college faculty

We're the rampant the personality disorders.

I'm the professor's arms, so busy passing off things to TAs to do because I have a golf tournament to play in. Also, my biological clock will not let me work more than 10 hours a week.

I’m office hours. Why do I bother?

I'm the course proposal for History 326: Women, Gender, and Cooking in Colonial America. I first appeared in 2017. It will take me 4.5 years, and a Byzantine journey through various faculty councils and committees, before I finally arrive before the Faculty Senate for a vote on my adoption in early 2022. By then, my proposer will have accepted a better position at another university and there will be no one in the department interested in teaching me.

I’m the vicious fights.

I'm so busy I couldn't possibly take the time to answer you.

OP, the only college faculty teaching 2 courses a semester are at R1 institutions.. Most of us teachers at undergraduate schools teach 3-4 and many students community colleges teach 5. So, the exhausted ones teach 3-4, advise 20-30 students, sit on a couple of committed, and try to eke out some scholarship (we are expected to).

I’m exhausted just thing about next semester’s course. Undergraduates. Can you imagine?

^thinking, dammit

I’m Nobel Prize dreams.

You don't eke things out period. You use something to eke something out. As in "I eked out a few of my own articles with work done by my graduate students."

I'm the liquor in the desk drawer of the old lady who talks to the students about their loan applications.

I'm the divorced ugly dean who disappeared at the start of covid yet still maintains her position and high salary. Everyone is happy about this because she's a penny-pinching low-brow ratty-koran-weave-wearing harridan when present. She got the position laterally from a military career, which she got by being a bisexual woman fucking her way up in rank.

*korean

I'm the president of the C-list tech state college completely uninterested in raising a penny in endowment or improving the school in any way. As far as I see it, it will slowly collapse over the next 20 years but I will have retired after collecting over 10 million in salary in 20 years, working 10 to 5, 4 days a week, about 8 total months a year.

That can’t be right, r11. Can’t you eke out a living doing odd jobs? Oh, I see. Hmm

No one ever seems to use "eke out" correctly.

I'm the elderly Sociology Department professors teaching from syllabi unchanged since 1978.

I’m the rage-filled email manifestos that are furiously typed and sent as a follow-up to every single in-person interaction.

I'm the faculty finding nefarious purposes behind every innocuous administrative email.

Parking Lot A closed? They are getting rid of the School of Education !

[quote] As in "I eked out a few of my own articles with work done by my graduate students."

Most professors do not work with graduate students.

Sorry Jan, the answer we wanted was "Most professors don't plagiarize."

I'm the highly coveted non-research tenured professorship, held by someone who had success in some art or industry then gets offered the professorship by a university VIP over cocktails in London or Paris.

I earned that PhD from Syracuse and deserve to be called Dr., dammit! I sign ALL of my emails Dr. Alan Choadsmurf and if you don't address me properly there will be hell to pay!

OP, are you under the benighted assumption that teaching courses is all or even most of what tertiary faculty do?

How do you think they get their jobs in the first place? How do you think they retain their jobs? How do you think they gain any prestige in their field or command salaries above starvation wages? Do you think it's from teaching courses?

I'm the young queeny Spanish language prof from Madrid with the heavy Ceceo sucking prime undergrad dick through the glory hole miraculously still in existence in the dark empty basement of the building filled with vast lecture halls.

I'm the lizardy thin sinewy darkly tanned Electrical Engineering prof about 50 years old who haunts the gang showers in the "old gym" showing off his massive uncut dong, which gets hard straight down. Everyone can see its rock hard but since it points straight down, he gets away with it. Plus some twinks don't mind giving it a tug in the steam room.

For an example of R19, please see R25.

I'm the stocky Med School prof who cruises for twinks at the student center and even goes to LGBTQQ events. I fuck twinks after hours and weekends in my private medical office on the examining table and give them fun pills. I have a very good feel for the cool twinks who won't freak and are happy to get my 9 inch Austrian daddy doc cock and the drugs.

I'm the followers of Jordan Peterson. Our professors say we're unteachable because we think we know everything.

I'm the 91 year old emeritus philosophy prof still teaching my course "Socrates and Plato" once a year. My mind is sharp as a tack but I smell very old. I taught your grandfather the same course.

^ I had one of those back on the day except he taught "The Old Testament" in Religion. He moved so slowly through the text we never got out of the first two chapters of Genesis.

I'm the professor who never left town. Born her, schooled here, when to this university through PhD, worked my way up in the department. I married well, above my class, and live in a large Greek Revival with an indoor and an outdoor pool, tennis court, and 2 live in servants. My wife's inheritance. My kids when to Harvard and MIT though. That's it. That's my story. Well, that and the coed I murdered in 1989 and buried at my miserable capitalist pig father in law's lake house.

*Born herE, schooled here, went....

Is r33 Dr. Amy "Boom Boom" Bishop?

I'm the thin as a rail male graduate student in computer science, on the spectrum. I will grow my hair long and put on a bra second year.

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS SHE!

However, I'm brilliant and work in the area of cyber security. You will also need to employ me later in industry and government.

I'm the affable professor of political science whose belly pushes at the seams of his threadbare Turnbull & Asser shirts, who carries an enviable thick old soft briefcase by some luxurious mostly forgotten European leather goods company, plus a pile of books under the other arm, and who refuses to really learn any digital technology and charms his way out of having to acquire said skills by university policy. I'm the last professor on campus who still produces two thick photocopied packets of "readings", many copy generations removed form the original source, as to be barely legible. I'm an unfair grader and reward intelligence, or looks, or cockiness, no matter how shoddy the work itself.

I'm the rightwing fascist who doesn't want anyone to get an education so they will become Republicans.

^ Is he a Straussian?

I’m the faculty dining room at lunch. If you think it’s tough knowing where to sit at the meanest, nastiest high school in the world, you should see me.

I’m the Financial Aid Director, embezzling scholarship funds as we speak. It’s what I’m owed.

I'm the comp lit professor having a rather open affair with my doctoral advisee from Hungary. Over the years, I've developed a reputation for working a little too closely with Eastern European graduate students -- first Anna, then Valeria, then Mariam, and now Dalma. I'm a Medievalist by training working mostly in Occitan poetry, but I've made small efforts to learn conversational Russian, Romanian, and Hungarian over the years. Purely out of intellectual curiosity, of course. My wife is old now, and fat; she has long suspected something remiss but no longer questions me about late nights and frequent texts. The department has known about my dalliances since the late 1990s, when an administrative assistant walked into the staff break room and found Anna and me in flagrante delicto on the old leather couch. In recent years, graduate students have become less tolerant of such behavior, and my name has twice passed across the desk of the university's Title IX chief officer. However, the undergrads love me. My course on Medieval Warfare and Literature is among the most popular in a department that desperately needs bodies in seats. Thus, the university will ultimately look the other way until I retire in a couple of years, and Dalma and I will continue to take our lunches together and parade around campus like newlyweds in heat.

I'm 10 diversity-related deans who have been completely forgotten and do nothing but collect 150K a year to submit reports to another Dean nobody knows exists.

[quote] I'm the elderly Sociology Department professors teaching from syllabi unchanged since 1978.

These are undoubtedly the only Sociology classes worth taking because sociology scholarship since 1990 or so fucking sucks.

We are the 2 to 5 students in every class smarter than the professor. This is true whether it's a community collage or University of Chicago. What's more, we are young and our brains are on fire, fine tuned, well oiled. None of us will cause a problem for the prof. Next, I'm the student who isn't as smart as the professor but thinks he is smarter. What's more I'm either an asshole or have a personality defect and am destructive for the pleasure of it. I will cause even the most seasoned professor at least heartburn, if not administrative rebukes.

I'm the 10 faculty who have been appointed to the Faculty-in-Residence Position at the Trans, Questioning and Non-binary "Roberta Cowell House" on campus. (It's just a shabby former women's dormitory.). That's 10 assistant professors in 4 years. 2 lasted less than 2 months each.

I’m the witty, wise, and handsome professor of English and Linguistics who somehow contrives to lose my phone in the underbrush near the mall most Friday nights and weekends.

I always seem to have plenty of young undergraduate help locating the hole. You know the hole? I’m talking about the one my phone is lost in even now. Shall we look over there? Behind that shrub?

I'm the email reminder to faculty that the Fall and Spring break weeks for students are not vacation weeks for faculty, who are expected to be pursuing their many professional activities full-time, 46 weeks per year. I provoke eyeballs or riotous laughter.

I’m a 12-month sabbatical in Miami. Immersing myself in non-assimilated latinx MSM street culture.

* provoke EYEROLLS

We are the back-door hires. We are liberally sprinkled through many departments. Nobody can figure out how we ever made it through the layers of selection activities and committees. Scratch and you'll discover we are frenemies with a deep backstory for someone very powerful and able to make unilateral decisions. We are debts repaid. Secrets kept. Guilty conscience assuaged. At best we are worthless but benign. At worst we waste millions of dollars on boondoggle destructive and inept "new programs" that will will be cancelled within months of our forced early retirements or moving to another school for a new opportunity. Who cares? The person who hired us has settled a score. Tough shit for everyone else.

I’m the rank coffee.

I’m the hippy, new age Art History professor. I specialize in Mayan art. I’m delighted to share my knowledge and talk about my experience with peyote and it’s traditions, generally reserved for the grad students. I don’t know why I’m popular, but everyone wants to talk to me. My clothes are inspired by Stevie Nicks and I use Kau chim sticks to make major decisions.

I’m the online bias incident reporting form. I get a lot of traffic, but always from the same three faculty members.

R53 Didn't you retire from Sarah Lawrence in 1990 and die on September 11 2001 of a grand Mal seizure.?

I’m R7. I’m absolutely EXHAUSTED having to work nine hours a week.

I'm the envy of the humanities department when they see the brand spankin' new engineering building and smug looks on the faces of the engineering faculty.

I am the associate provost for faculty affairs. I do absolutely nothing. I have directors and coordinators in my office who do all the work. I took the job because of the high salary, and I am not obligated to teach while in the position.

I'm the primatologist, who's a member of the anthropology faculty, and is overcome by severe depression during the academic year. I only feel alive while in the field studying lemurs.

I teach English at a community college. My colleagues and I are giving passing grades to students who do not deserve them. Many of the students are not doing college-level work, but we pass them along to the next course because the college wants to keep them enrolled for the money.

I'm the history professor with only one required textbook for my course: the one I wrote on the subject 5 years ago, published by the University of Minnesota Press.

I teach English at U Penn. Or NYU. My colleagues and I are giving passing grades to students who do not deserve them. Many of the students are not doing college-level work, but we pass them along to the next course because the college wants to keep them enrolled for the money.

--see how that works anywhere, R60.

Yeah, the Ivy League "gentleman's C" has turned into "you get an A and YOU get an A etc".

R56 Well, Math couldn't have been your major: in class time, 9-12 hours, prep, about the same, committee work about 3, office hours, 3-5, grading, average 4-5. That's about a minimum of 30 hours PLUS whatever you can spend on scholarship. No, not the 80 hours I hear some colleagues tell me they spend a week (I don't know whether they are consciously exaggerating or just drama queens), but pretty damn close to the standard 40 hour week. And don't tell me we have summers off--that's usually the only time you have either to prep a brand new class or do some sustained scholarly work.

I'm the GayHoopla and Datalounge tabs left open on the closeted professor's laptop during Zoom classes.

I'm the adjunct instructors who haven't even been mentioned at all, thus proving once again that DL is stuck in the 60s or 70s.

I'm the cake and fruit punch.

I'm the incredibly wordy walls of text on this thread written by academics who have forgotten that brevity is the soul of wit.

I'm the University Library. I see everyone has forgotten me on the thread, just like in real life.

Everything's on Google now, don't you know.

I’m adjunct teaching Information Systems to the future finance bros of America over in the business school.

I'm the student who never grew up. I work for "student services".

R71, you just explained the cuntery that I used to encounter when dealing with Student Services. I always wondered where they dug those types up.

I'm the travel expense report six months after the fact with no itemized receipts.

I'm "Blank Slate," a freshman year course pitched by a 35 year old junior faculty member who literally skateboarded into the goddamn meeting room dressed like Liza in "Arthur." He/they? pitches this course as one in which students will determine the topic, choose the readings, and design the assignments themselves. Feedback gathered from students indicates that high-performing students weren't interested, that they felt the rigor wasn't there, will be dismissed as racist and elitist. Let's go for it, you guys!!!

I'm the adjunct sitting outside the conference room, hand clamped over my mouth to restrain laughter, vomit, groans while listening. I will start referring to this endeavor as "Blank Check." The wrong ones are in charge.

I’m the virtue signaling paired with the profound satisfaction derived from treating subordinates as worthless pieces of shit.

People that use the phrase "virtue signaling" should be publicly whipped for their idiocy.

There's certainly a lot of insanity to make fun of in academia, but most of you assholes are aiming for the wrong targets.

I'm the tenured professors, all of whom have private offices with windows and doors that close. However, we like to congregate in the hall and converse and cackle right next to the "open work area" where the adjuncts have to do their work. God forbid these adjuncts carry on similar loud conversations, because then you will hear doors closing angrily.

So much performativity. I retired shortly after asking the department head what had happened to the male faculty, as the place was 90% perimenopausal white women: "where are all the male faculty? Were they eaten?"

If I ever teach again, it'll be online. I always got along better with students than I did with other academics.

I'm on pins and needles, terrified that I will use the wrong pronoun when addressing a student, or call them by their "dead name" by mistake, or be accused of being culturally insensitive, resulting in getting cancelled and then fired. I don't have tenure yet.

R66 I'm the tenured faculty member who, like dataloungers, doesn't think twice about the adjuncts, either!

I’m the ancient professor who leans her body half way out the third floor window to smoke.

“I’ll give up this job before I give up these girls”, she says, patting the pack of cigarettes on her desk.

“Want one?”

I’m the life of the mind!

I'm the weak chinned English Professor who develops a new personality amd leaves his longtime partner for a colleague once I get tenure

I am an adjunct faculty who teaches two classes each at three different colleges/universities each semester. There are some days I can't remember which campus I should be on and at what time.

My husband is a dean at a level 1 university and you have no idea some of the shit he has to deal with....Mostly from faculty over students

Do you mean R1?

Ha, that didn't work. R 1 research university.

I am the tenured professor who keeps taking administrative positions (associate dean, center director, assistant vice president), so that I don't have to teach/work. While in my administrative position, I delegate so that I have nothing to do while I am making three times the salary I was making while in my academic department. I leave each of the administrative offices I have worked in in worse shape than I found it. No one seems to mind; I keep getting hired for a new position over and over again.

I'm the semi-retired departmental secretary lady who eats up hourly wages because Dr. Shite Head is far too busy to handle his own reimbursement paperwork for that trip to Cape Town or whatnot.

R84 I'm the former academic department chairman who said that overseeing faculty members was like being a kindergarten teacher.

I'm the hot jock in tight shorts on the front row with the big VPL

I’m the new Associate Dean for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.

I'm the radical chic dean who hires leftist criminals like Angela Davis, Bill Ayres, Bernadette Dohrn and Kathy Boudin to be professors.

I'm the deep in my soul knowledge of the ultimate meaninglessness of all of it.

I'm the tenured senior faculty member who sucks at teaching but is a scholar in her field, so am kept on.

Students complain about me on Reddit, and many drop their major because of me, but I keep rambling on in my lectures that are so boring they put one to sleep.

I'm the reigion professor who thinks religion is a load of shite. So I teach bad sociology and bad political science in my courses instead.

Is it Foucault or post-colonislism this year?

I'm the administrative assistant working overtime caught scissoring on a conference table with Professor X when one of the cleaning people walked in unannounced. Professor X is tenured so she's still there but I'm gone. At first they tried firing me for doing it on departmental time but when that didn't work (they'd OK'd the overtime) they tried firing me for doing it on the department's table. That didn't work either.

My severance package was generous. Relatively speaking, a new 18 foot long Steelcase conference table was cheap compared to what it cost them to replace me quietly.

Yeah, the table probably only cost $4500.

I'm those dinky cardboard tasting white cookies served at all mid-level college events such as full faculty meetings.

I'm here with my friend the large fruit platter which is mostly grapes and pineapple slices. There's a tiny number of blueberries and halved strawberries in me as well.

The administration is showing its "appreciation" for the faculty.

Beats the hell out of staff appreciation day. They get surplus cafeteria food.

I'm the superintendent of the specimen collections of the Agricultural, Plant and Life Science School. Nobody has noticed that I quietly sold half the forgotten 19th and 20th century collections to new cash-rich universities and museums in the Middle East.

I’m the office door covered with yellowed comic strips from twenty years ago, various calls for papers and a sign telling the cleaning staff to STAY OUT!!

A lot of passive aggressive BIs here. Sorry to hear about your academic life, guys.

I'm the syllabus that has only had the dates and room number changed since 2006. I could be for any number of courses and subjects.

I'm the professor that doesn't know how to use the lecture hall computer/projector and I end up wasting 15 minutes of each class setting up the power point presentation.