I Left an Abusive Relationship Today

You have made the right choice. And there are plenty of people who will love you OP.

No one fucking cares. I have never had a relationship and I am jealous! FUCK OFF!

Unless you like being a punching bag, OP. Everyone deserves better than that.

Of course, in both examples OP put his hands on the boyfriend first.

I’m happy you left. Your boyfriend worked at breaking you down and had already buried your self-esteem; don’t go back and give him the chance to do the same to your body.

[quote] The second time it happened, . . . I got a concussion

If you made a mistake, it was sticking around for there to have ever been a second time. You’re out and he should be gone from your life.

Keep it that way.

The hardest part is when you work up the courage to leave. That's when the abuse becomes real.

Why would someone who 'loves' you knock you out in a parking lot, then later give you a brain injury? The bar is on the floor for some of youse.

You are doing the right thing. Leaving ANY relationship can be scary, but all of this will soon be little more than a bad memory.

He has privilege ever being hot enough to be in a relationship to begin with...

“Youse” R8? How many brain injuries have you sustained?

0/10 OP...too many inconsistencies. Both examples you gave of violence were started by you. He wouldn't leave your house, but today you left him...in your house? Come back when you've taken a writing class.

Good for you, OP.

Do you have strong family support? Do they know what was going on?

How long were you together?

R12 It's a saying, "I left him", meaning, we broke up.

r13 almost a year. I should mention that he would also constantly accuse me of cheating, take my car, push me, look over my shoulder whenever I was on the phone, insist on listening to my calls. Yes I put up with it, he was a lot younger than I and I thought I found a real catch. My family thinks he's great (they don't know the truth) but my friends have been urging me to let him go.

OP? Describe the sex.

Good for you. When I left a bad relationship and was alone there were times I thought that negative attention was better than no attention. I think most people feel that way for awhile. But your life will go on whatever you decide to believe about your future so expect better things and get going.

r12 there's a difference between grabbing at someone's shirt because they're attempting to push you out of your own car, and being repeatedly punched in the face, no?

r16 the sex was good, obviously, which is partially why I stayed.

r15 are you male or female? (Sorry if I missed it)

bisexual female r20

So sorry, OP. I suffered through extreme mental abuse for several years. You will feel so much better without him. Believe in yourself.

He is going to ask for forgiveness and and beg you to come back.

There will be an undercurrent of him obliquely blaming you for his behavior.

Then it will progress to where he builds himself up and tears you down. Again.

DO NOT GO BACK.

I've been there. If your story is true, get whatever help you need to end this relationship and get and stay away from him; friends, a therapist, a doctor.

Good for you OP. You made the right call. Sending you a hug.

Oh, and start deleting the friends or people that tell you how wonderful he is. They don't see the real him and they don't understand the abuse you've been suffering.

Find friends you can trust. Get a therapist.

OP, OMG You ABSOLUTELY made the right choice. From experience, I know it will NEVER get better, only worse. There are so many men out there with whom to have a wonderful relationship that doesn't include such emotional and physical abuse.

I’m happy to tell you you’re doing the right thing — you are — but you might be in the wrong place, looking for support here. This is a very tough crowd and I see people here looking to lay responsibility on you for “starting it” when none of us can possibly know enough to say that.

Do you have any lesbian support — organizations, friends — or women’s help lines or something? I haven’t ever been in your position but I’m not sure “tough love” of the kind I see here is going to help right now. Being bi makes it that much harder, I know. No gold star types are going to empathize much.

But I’ll just say: you have no reason whatsoever to expect it to get better with him. Stay away. If he is in fact the only person who can love you, you’re going to need to love yourself. It sounds like you’ve started. Don’t take him back. Keep going.

Sadly, OP’s boyfriend will almost immediately find another partner to abuse.

Perpetrators of DV cannot stay single for long.

They have a pathological need for control and tearing others down. They have very little identity beyond their false, public persona.

You sound like a pussy, OP.

r29 is taking a break from denigrating Amber Heard on one of the Depp threads.

And you'll walk right back into another abusive relationship, won't you, OP.

You "left him" but this morning you "left him"?

Sure.

An egregiously tedious slop-job.

(1) Leave yourself a voicemail or write yourself an email right now about how horrible you feel with him and why you are better off without him- list the reasons why. You will need to read it at weak moments.

(2) you will have weak moments, it often takes several attempts to leave an abusive relationship but it ALWAYS ends and in the meantime you are just wasting time that could be spent elsewhere

(3) research trauma bonds- it is part of why it is hard to leave

(4) understand why your friends and family might struggle with seeing it, and might not be receptive to hearing you vent. My best friend is in a relationship like this and it is hard to see a loved one get hurt so we try to minimize it or deny it. You are right, you really are, forgive us b/c we don't realize we are doing it. But you are seeing the picture clearly.

(5) If you need it put somewhere clearly, here it is. This is a bad relationship that will not improve. I do not need more information. I am an uninterested third party. The relationship can never go anywhere positive, it is too late, it is dead and buried and you will just be trying to revive a dead corpse. Once there is violence like that it is over. Even if you could ascribe blame to one side or the other, once that line has been crossed in a relationship it's over, the dynamic is too sick.

(6) remember that there is a distinction between (a) mourning a relationship and mourning the loss/ expectation you had that the relationship would last and (b) belonging together, being sad it is over does not mean you belong together, and regret does not mean you belong together, it means you are sad and just feel it.

R32 here again, just wanted to add that you need to get a therapist NOW because at this moment you will be motivated to do so and you want to get one while you are in a position of strength and independence. Try to find one that deals with abusive relationships.

I am in therapy and asked my therapist (who I think is amazing) how to best support my friend since my impulse was to get frustrated and either kick the f'er's ass or pressure her to end it. My therapist said that a friend/ family member can only support the person by acknowledging that they are hurt but that my friend needs to go to therapy until she is able to see for herself why she needs to leaves and successfully does.

R30 I actually hate Depp and will never believe he was an innocent victim to Heard. Never.

I'm sure you will find someone else, but regardless, better alone than in bad company. Therapy can help if you really struggle with being alone.

God, the "helpful" brigade, hovering over bad news like flies over cow shit.

Yes, you definitely made the right choice.

In both cases, you got physical first.

**FRAU ALERT**

Yes, grabbing at someone's shirt justifies getting punched in the face.

🙄

OP, I wish you the best of luck in the future.

OP didn't deserve to get punched, but OP can learn from the experience. Do not put your hands on someone, do not grab someone's shirt. Let the first time (violence) be the last time.

[quote]Scared to be alone. Scared I'm losing the only man who will love me.

Huh? You should be scared to be murdered.

Hon, people who love you don't give you a black eye. Run Mary!

You push me, you're going down bitch. And don't pull on my shirt aggressively either. You got what was coming.

r44, spoken like a typical abuser.

R45 Sounds like the abuse went both ways.

OP, did you document anything? Contact police about the two prior incidents?

What a wonderful gift you've given yourself today, OP. I agree with other posters that you should see a therapist. You need to learn how to prevent yourself from repeating a pattern, with this guy or another one.

R46 OP never asked whose fault it was, just if she did the right thing ending the relationship. It was the right choice no matter who caused what, when. Are you suggesting that you think its her fault so she should give it another try?

How are you doing OP?

Grabbing at someone’s shirt is starting an altercation. Don’t believe me? Next time your in an argument in a bar, grab the other guy’s shirt and see what happens.

R51 sounds mental. Like fucking deranged.

Context matters, pal. If a woman--probably smaller and weaker than a typical man, unless she's an athlete/bodybuilder--grabs a man by his clothing, that's absolutely not a pretext to use considerable force and hit her or assault her in any way. At most, the man in question could lightly push or prize her off of him.

That’s what you call deranged?

OP no doubt deserved it. She should have been thrown off the highest bridge for being such a cunt.

An abusive boyfriend is like a bad employee: you can find another one in a minute. There’s nothing to miss. Someone else can charm your friends and beat you up. So you haven’t given up a damn thing. No, you need to work with a therapist so that you can find, and cope with, a decent relationship.

Assuming you are a man, why didn't you punch him back the first time? Even as a woman, is everyone's obligation to learn how to defend yourself.

If you didn’t keep screwing up, he wouldn’t treat you that way.

What’s wrong with you?

Stay the fuck away. If he gave you a concussion. the next step is death. No, I'm not exaggerating. It happens all day every day. So common that it rarely makes the national news.

If this is true, you are better off without this person. There’s never an excuse for physical abuse.

r56 OP is a woman (see r21)

Thanks everyone. I've been a paid subscriber to the DL for a long time so I knew I'd get a few people saying that I deserved it or whatever.

I also know there are some amazing, compassionate people here who have been through similar situations, or have had friends/family experience it.

I already have a therapist. Messaged him this morning, we'll definitely be discussing this during our next session.

You know how they say, people who "accept" abuse, often came from abusive homes themselves? Yeah - it's fucked up.

Regardless, this thread IS giving me strength. So thank you.

When abusers are "sweet" they're really sweet. "I'm sorry, it'll never happen again, I love you, I'd do anything for you!".

Some of you posters nailed it.

But honestly, the hard part is, people can be so nice and charming and then have this bad side. Why do they have to have the bad side? Why can't they always just be that nice, sweet person.

R62, you might find this thread I started last year of some use:

[quote] But honestly, the hard part is, people can be so nice and charming and then have this bad side. Why do they have to have the bad side? Why can't they always just be that nice, sweet person.

OP, that's life. You sound like a nice person, but you need to grow up. If you enjoy drama, that would be something to discuss with your therapist.

I think you should get back together with him & try to change him. He wouldn’t be abusive if you were a better boyfriend. True love changes people.

Thought OP was a dude. Changes everything for me that she is a female. Men should not punch women. Clearly the guy in the relationship is a complete piece of shit.

This piece of fiction is an insult to real people who are in actual abusive relationships.

R67 Oh please. I didn't write all this for shits and giggles.

I wish I did!

r64 You're exactly right and I will bring that up to him next session. Thank you. I think it stems partially from growing up in the household I did. Abusive, alcohol father. Controlling, enabling mother.

r63 I totally relate to what you wrote. Reading it, thank you.

Ok Amber 🙄

When people show you who they are, believe them. They’re not going to change. Sometimes it take a second time, but you did the right thing.

You're doing the right thing, OP. Don't worry.

awwwww good for you. now you can be a victim and brag about it your whole life. victimhood gives you social currency these days.

Good for you, OP! Make sure you reach out to some of your loved ones for support (ones that will take your side). I recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft It's written with heterosexual relationships in mindbut it's invaluable for understanding the mind of an abuser and how they effect he minds of their victims. It's worth having as you work through letting go of that situation (and any potential actions of your ex). Also, take a look at some of H.G. Tudor's videos on YouTube about narcissists (a lot of abuser have Cluster B traits). Knowledge is power!

^^^^ Just realizing OP is female. Well, then applying the book to your situation will be easier!

[quote] I recommend the book Why Does He Do That?

On the other hand, I recommend not trying to understand the whys. Better to just move on than wrack your brains wondering where it all went wrong.

And you gotta go into hiding. Go gray rock and never speak to him. Accept any shit at his house is gone. You are gone. There are other dicks in the sea. Find one not attached to another dick

As with anyone who leaves an abusive relationship--consider yourself a permanent therapy patient.

There is so much to unravel and work through so you don't repeat the pattern. There are so many red flags that occur early on and you need help recognizing them and taking action. Your brain says "maybe I'll give him another chance" or "maybe this won't escalate" LONG after most other people would run for the door.

There's also changing your expectations and attitudes towards a relationship. often, people repeat patterns they experienced in childhood. They move towards partners who stir the feelings of insecurity that resemble the environment of your childhood home. because it FEELS normal. But its not.

Best of luck!

[Quote] **FRAU ALERT**

Yeah. From space. This site has been overrun lately.

I've never heard about physically abusive gay male relationships. I can imagine cheating, adultery, disinterest, etc., but not physical abuse. Or staying after the fact. Like I can imagine one guy getting drunk and maybe slapping the other, but not pushing to the floor or punching. What could they get so angry about? Usually my relationships end because we're bored of each other. It's never really painful because I'm usually ready to slut it up after being with the same man for months.

You did the right thing and don't be afraid to be alone. Work on building up your self esteem which he stole from you.

Advice from faggots who rightfully loathe fucken fraucunts. This thread is awful.

[quote] I've never heard about physically abusive gay male relationships. I can imagine cheating, adultery, disinterest, etc., but not physical abuse. Or staying after the fact. Like I can imagine one guy getting drunk and maybe slapping the other, but not pushing to the floor or punching.

Wow. They’re not kidding when they say it’s a Man’s World, are they. The obliviousness one has to have to write and post this.

Remember that people don't actually have "sides" (as in good side/bad side), or that one can be bad on the outside but good on the inside. It's a construct we make up in our heads, but it literally Does Not Exist. This guy is just who he is, and he is toxic to the point of being deadly. I get that he can be sweet and charming, but that's not a portion of him that can be extracted from the rest. It's impossible.

R86 Your mouth is an actual asshole. Nothing but shit comes out of it. Not one thing you said is true. You have twenty sides and they are all ignorant fucking assholes.

Please make sure he is not stalking you . Do not go back!!

OP so sorry this has happened, and enraged on your behalf. Most men don’t get it, but when these things go down, they turn your life upside down and damage your sense of security and trust in the world. It’s deeply unfair and angering that you are going to have to upend the life and security you built just to protect yourself from this creep, while he just keeps on doing what he does, but it’s the sad reality.

Can you change your number/social media, and go to stay somewhere he won’t think to look for you? Preferably with someone else living there? And possibly look into changing your license plate, or using/renting a different car (if you drive)? You need to batten down the hatches and lay low for a while, ideally.

If he knows where you work, if possible alert a trusted colleague or Boss about what’s going on, carpool in or take public transport (though not ideal in this climate, I know), and/or try to get work-from-home hours. If you can’t really do any of that at your current job, carry some extra self-defense items and alarms, take a busy way in and out of the building, and have wits about you at all times. Look into job transfers or moves elsewhere.

Finally, think about staying single for a significant time to heal, and maybe after a year or two dating women instead of men. Since you’re bisexual, you have a nice option to leave men on the table when it comes to sex, love & romance, and enjoy a more fair and equal and safe option (and yes, I know the domestic assault stats in lesbian couples, before any cunt chimes in with that). No intimate encounter or partnership is ever going to be 100% safe and secure, but your odds are significantly better in a female-female pair.

R89 gives excellent advice

- 0/10

r89 and r91 represent the best and the worst of DL, respectively.

I curious as to why you represent as bisexual instead of Queer. It seems very old school.

So are you back together yet? You will be. You always go back for more. You're pathetic. But its better than being alone. Isnt it?

I wonder how many partners r94 has abused

But it wasn't "abuse abuse". Otherwise, you'd be dead

Whats that saying ? ....when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.

Good for you! I know it's going to be difficult for a while, but you WILL survive this!

Sending hugs and positive energy ♥️

Sadly, This is so common in heterosexual couples, I was going to say that's a fic, but I believe in you. Glad that you kicked him out.

R93 Fuck off.

But I'm going to be honest, this is rare in gay couples.

R85 I never said that women were never involved in physically abusive relationships. I said that I never heard of one in gay relationships. I'm sure they've happened, but I've never seen or heard of any -- in my personal experience. That doesn't mean that the issue shouldn't be taken seriously.

[quote]But I'm going to be honest, this is rare in gay couples.

"If you just looked at physical and sexual violence in male couples, it's about 25 to 30 percent, roughly the same as women," said study author Rob Stephenson.

R99

It's not rare at all.

And if you've been in a controlling, abusive relationship, it takes a while to be able to admit it, because it's embarrassing when you've always thought you were a smart, capable person. You wonder, "How did I let this happen?" "How could I have been so blind/weak/stupid/needy?"

Then, when you start talking to other gay men about it you find out how common it is.

I hope you're doing okay, OP!