Provide a work tip

Under-promise and over-deliver.

Walk out. Now.

Don't bring in fish and microwave it in the office. Ever.

Dogs go in microwaves better than fish.

If I send thanks emails, I send it directly to the person. Unless I need to make a political statement, or let some stakeholder know that the team is aligned. Fuck me, I’m part of the problem, aren’t I?

Keep a positive Covid test result handy. Use as needed to get out of going into the office because you're "self-isolating" to protect your co-workers. (I had to send a photo into my HR to prove I was actually positive. Fuck them, I can't wait to quit in a few months.)

Yes, r5. Because that person now has to read an email that wouldn't otherwise need to be read.

If there is no call to action, then take no action.

If I need to thank a coworker, I send a greeting card. People really appreciate when you go the extra mile like that.

Wait until your agenda is packed, find another job with a hiring bonus and give them a two week notice. I just did it which got me a renegotiated job. It was fun to watch my bosses reaction on Zoom. I’m getting ready to retire so if I get any retribution, I’ll just give notice again. They need my technical skills because my boss never bothered to learn them.

Do absolutely as little as possible and not get fired.

get a real job.

JO in the restroom stalls

Retire as soon as humanly fucking possible.

Steal office supplies little by little each day so it’s not super obvious

Nobody likes a coworker who kisses the boss’ ass.

Stop buying toilet paper. Steal a roll or two every few days from work. Provided your place of employment uses decent toilet paper and not Scott.

Scott is the best. I'm not kidding. The soft, cuddly TP leaves rollies in your ass hair.

I have zero pride in my work. I couldn’t give a shit if I tried.

Scott is flat and makes ginormous rolls of unabsorbent tissue

"Scott is flat and makes ginormous rolls of unabsorbent tissue"

What the fuck? You had a turd - not a period. What needs to be "absorbed"?

r17's ass hair:

Are we talking about tissue or slacking off, here? Because “slacking off” can’t clean my thirsty buss, y’all.

^only with Charmin

R20 I do. I sometimes have liquid shit

Stop sending emails with read receipt response requested. Stop it!

Don't email, then 3 mins later call or ping your co-worker to ask if they've read your email and can they respond. EITHER FUCKING CALL OR FUCKING EMAIL OR PING - NOT BOTH. DEFINITELY NOT ALL THREE. I'll cut you

Find a job that allows WFH.

For r24, take 2 tablespoons daily in cold water and cut out junk food.

R28 doesn’t work with others. It’s obvious.

Keep your mouth shut.

Thanks in advance, OP.

It's bad form to forward an email you alone received from your manager (or someone higher up in the organization) to your co-workers. First off, it may not be info your manager wants to share with everyone else and secondly, it can cause distrust or resentment if your co-workers think you're being favored.

It's bad form to remove all the lunches from the refrigerator, arrange them on the workroom table, and then announce, "Lunch is served!"

Realize that your employer does not give a fuck about you. The sooner you stop giving a fuck about them, the happier you will be.

Never punch down; it's a very bad look

Even if you think someone is being a total asshole, try to indicate that you see the situation from their perspective. It makes you seem like the more reasonable, empathetic person.

Don't take things personally; most of the shit people do, they'd just do to someone else if you weren't there because they're in the own cloud of dysfunction (as are you)

Agreed,R35. I’ve worked for stable, predictable companies and (now) for a start-up type program in CA. And at the startup, no one knows how the fuck to do their job. We literally make this shit up as we go along. It’s a bizarre feeling after working at an established company built on routine. It has made me sympathetic to people though. Anytime I recognize an inconsistency in someone’s work (my own included), I just remind myself that we’re all making this shit up as we go along. So fuck it, just fix it, finish the day, and then go home to get baked.

If someone send an email acknowledge that you've received it.

Know when to reply all.

Do go snooping around to find out someone else's salary. It is information that you cannot "unknow" and information that will just piss you off.

Know the difference between work friends and real friends. Don't overshare your personal business at work. Stay neutral on politics.

HR works for the company, not for you. They will always side with the company and its best interest - not yours.

If you let people take advantage of you on day 1, they will always take advantage of you.

Do not forward emails from lawyers marked as privileged and confidential.

If negotiating with a person in person try to get them to drink coffee.

Everyone talks bad about the boss sometimes. No one likes hearing criticism. Yes, HR serves the company, but it’s often disputes between colleagues not disputes between a person and the company they are adjudicating. If you dump your work on others, they won’t want to work with you again and that will limit your options.

Never put anything in an email you wouldn’t want to be read by the whole firm. If you really need to vent, do it in person or over the phone.

Praise in writing; criticize in person.

A good personality is an underrated skill. If you are easy to work with and don’t create drama, it will serve you well.

Try to attend about 50 % of after work social functions.

Thanks. Good to know!

"Try to attend about 50 % of after work social functions."

This should not be true.

But it is.

R39 - yeah, that's a hard no to attending at least 50% of after work functions. Maybe if you're in your 20s or 30s and still making your way in the corporate world and want to brownnose or network. GTFO with that office politics bullshit. It's just a job, not a social club.

R36) I work for a stable predictable insurance company. As soon as I realized that corporate work isn’t ran like a high school, I realized that no boss that I have/had really understands what they are doing. I started making things up that looked true based on the Excel spreadsheets. 10 years later I’m the expert black belt. And I’m still making up shit. Work is nonsense, that’s why you can fake it until you make it.

Be quiet, do your job, and don't take it home with you at the end of the day.

Keep towing that bullshit HR line R38. Your advice is pretty much worthless as you don’t have practical work experience.

The tip of my shoe breaking off inside of your ass!

Start your fucking meetings on time. No one cares about your weekend. You said the meeting starts at 9:00? If you're not into the agenda by 9:01, you are a failure.

Think outside the box!

[quote]No one cares about your weekend. You said the meeting starts at 9:00? If you're not into the agenda by 9:01, you are a failure.

This is especially egregious when a meeting full of behaviorists starts 10 to 15 min. late because we're waiting on the same stragglers every time. It ensures that they'll be late again, thanks to idiot supervisors who are supposedly experts on behavior modification but can't get their asses to meetings on time. 🙄

Don’t leave a voicemail and then immediately send an email telling me you left me a voicemail. There’s a special place in hell for people who do this.

R38 Maybe limit yourself to one glass of wine before rambling

If you want to cry at work, find a corner where no one can see you. The same holds true if you want to masturbate.

R26 DON'T USE THE WORD PING. I'll cut you.

r52 = Jeffrey Toobin

When all else fails, Find The Frau! I was feeling alienated by the amount of know-it-all straight men I work with until they brought on an older single lady as one of our managers. I went to an after-work cocktail party and charmed her socks off for a solid hour. Now I know I'll always have her in my pocket! We laugh on one-on-one Zoom calls and she has personally called me out twice in all-staff meetings to compliment me for doing the same exact thing the straight guys are doing.

Send hand written birthday cards to as many people as you can.

If your boss is a psychopath, your only recourse is to get away from them. Never take them on directly, unless you are also a psychopath and enjoy the drama.

[quote]If your boss is a psychopath, your only recourse is to get away from them.

Aren't most of them, pretty much? Where the hell else is there left to work?

R25 If I send an email with a read receipt requested it’s because someone is fucking up and I want to keep a track of their failures for future reference.

If you are walking around the office for no discernable reason other than to get away from your desk for a while, always have a piece of paper or some document in your hand. It transforms your search for treats in the breakroom to a faux serious business purpose.

No dark corner exists that a nosy faux concerned colleague won’t search to find you for no particular reason at all on any random day.

Always cry in a bathroom on a different floor than the one you work on or, if that is not an option, place some paper towels on the floor, hike up your pants/skirt/dress and take off your shoes so you can’t be identified while you cry in the stall farthest from the door that isn’t designated handicap. Do not wear identifiable socks!

In business communication, use the active voice in writing and eliminate as many adverbs as possible.

If you’re a supervisor, make certain when you call for face-to-face meetings, they are crucial. Otherwise, send an email.

Do not gossip. If someone at or above your level gossips, listen silently but do not react or participate.

It is illegal in California to discipline an employee for talking about salaries, but it is still unwise to do so.

Avoid gossip. If someone approaches you with gossip, you can listen, but don't reciprocate with your own tidbit of gossip. (R62 just posted this as I was typing.)

If I had to do it over again, I'd avoid all non-mandatory get-togethers with coworkers.

R3 that and never cook an egg in the office microwave. I had to leave for the rest of the day the smell was so sulfuric like vomit everywhere. It was the workout queen that cooked it too!

Don’t trust them when they say they’re just going to put the tip in for just a minute.

Serve your revenge cold. In my case (and I am Sicilian-Irish), I waited until my retirement was set in stone, with only a few in-person days remaining.

The Boss had previously brought in some new people to my small department, telling the group at large that we (meaning moi) could all learn from them.

So when one of those geniuses came to me as my soon-to-be successor and asked me if I had any notes, materials, etc. that I could pass on to her, my reply was a succinct "Nope!", complete with "pop" sound. She, incredulous, asked again. Same reply. I had taken the year to round-file my work.

What were they gonna do---fire me?!

R66 what does round-file mean?

Big hug to all the cryers posting here!

r59, that is so passive aggressive. If the recipient reports to you, set deadlines and expectations in the email, such as "I need this information by 3:00 today or at least a status update by then. If this deadline is a challenge please let me know asap so we can prioritize your workload." If it's a team member at your same level you say something like "I need this information by 3:00 today or at least a status update by then so that we can continue to advance the project. If this deadline is a challenge let's discuss." If still no response send a status update to the team and note that the project can't move forward until you receive the information from X. If X is over committed and we want to stick to the agreed timeline, perhaps we can reallocate resources on the project."

If your boss isn't responding to emails, your messages are probably too long and unclear. Get to the point. "Can we please schedule a quick call to discuss the status of X. It looks like you're free at 3:00 today. May I call you then?"

R67, the round or circular file is the trash can.

[quote] Don’t leave a voicemail

A voice what?

What a sad little old man you are R66

[quote] So when one of those geniuses came to me as my soon-to-be successor and asked me if I had any notes, materials, etc. that I could pass on to her, my reply was a succinct "Nope!", complete with "pop" sound.

Mary!

Show up.

Don't flirt or sleep with anyone if you are in a managerial position

If your only immediate co-worker has been there 28 years and one day begins to refuse to speak to you, thus is not the first time she’s been an asshole and won’t be the last. You’re on your own and there is no help coming, but fwiw, everybody knows “how she is” and you may make a friendship or two with other people there that lasts long after you leave that job and you will laugh together about the asshole, who is actually famous throughout the company for being the pettiest little shit you’ll ever have the misfortune to have to struggle to avoid being sabotaged by..

P.S. And the person who assumes your position when you vacate it? Who sends you desperate email, asking how to deal with the asshole, just as you sent email to your predecessor?. Give it to ‘em straight (unlike your predecessor did): they need to GET OUT WHILE THEY STILL CAN.

Sorry if the info in this screed isn’t widely applicable. I’ve been retired for 8 years and still haven’t forgotten how much I hated that bitch.

Long bathroom breaks. Long lunches.

Unexpected fake illnesses

Never get your meat the same place you get your bread and butter.

Be friendly, nice and try to enjoy work BUT.. keep in mind as good as you think you know these people they are NOT your friends.

Anyone could throw you under the bus so keep it light. Don't expect the friendships to continue if someone leaves. If shit goes down you better believe everyone is going to look out for themselves.

R79 good advice. I'll add be good but not so good that everyone always comes to you, give you more work to do or expects you to clear up the mess

Fake cancer for sympathy

People always know if you're jerking off in the bathroom - even if it's a private bathroom.

Fuck whoever you have to to get ahead. Then slut-shame them once your career has leap-frogged over theirs.

R82 yeah if you moan and shout fuck yeah

Once you have achieved a baseline level of competence in your job, nothing is more important than the human relationships you have with your colleagues.

Be nice. Take an interest in people. Share the credit with people who deserve it. Thank people for small courtesies, regardless of the position they hold. Pretend to take an interest in birthday cakes, leaving gifts, people’s kids. Chat with people who are bored at work. Leave people alone if they are busy.

Remember that most people want to get through the day as easily as possible. Be good at your job, and be the kind of person other people like to have around.

Swallow

[quote] Be nice. Take an interest in people.... Pretend to take an interest in birthday cakes, leaving gifts, people’s kids. Chat with people who are bored at work....

Mary! Sounds like a lot of work.

Never discuss your private life. Most workplaces are gossip mills, and some people only talk to you so they can talk about you.

Wear heavy perfume. People will remember you.

^^ I love co-workers who marinate in offensively loud colognes

Establish boundaries during meetings, "No, I won't be available to work this weekend; I have plans. In fact I won't be available to work any weekends. My salary doesn't reflect having no free time and jumping to complete projects that could have been planned better.". People will remember you 45-second stand forever and, even better, respect it.

Be kind and generous to colleagues, but not a pushover. "I don't have the time to make a big contribution to your project just now, but I'll send you an outline and some notes that I hope might streamline things a bit, just in case they are of any help at all.".

Avoid afterwork anything with your colleagues. Instead be kind in an all about business way and show respect for other people's time and work as you do for yourself. It's a more useful sort of reliability in the long run.

R87 R88 I agree, great advice. Don't gossip, people who gossip with you will gossip about you.

Try to be on time.

Don't give too much, you will be taken advantage of. Get things from your boss in writing.

[quote] Try to be on time.

Also, leave on time. Get your work done during the normal working hours.

R93 I was going to add that. Don't be a martyr, none of us is irreplaceable

No matter how good you are at your job, no matter how nice you are, and no matter how much your co-workers like you, there will always be one or two people in the office who loathe you with the fire of 20 red hot suns. Don't take it personally.

There will always be one or two people who don't deserve their positions. Often, it will be your boss/supervisor. This will happen regardless of where you go.

Competence is not always the most valued thing.

R95 I concur.

Great thread.

Keep it going, Bitches.

Here’s one:

Don’t steal anything from anyone, anywhere, while working.

Stealing is the number one way to lose you job, aside from punching someone.

It’s unbelievable how many people do this and think they’re never gonna get caught.

Usually, 9/10, you WILL be caught, fired and even arrested.

Not worth it. Ever.

R79 nailed it.

So sadly true R97. I lost an employee because security discovered that he was stealing garbage,

R48 But color within the lines!

Anonymous employee surveys are not anonymous.

Don't believe that they are.

Never work overtime.

Unpaid overtime, I mean.

there is never a problem too big to run away from.

The stuff about "not making friends with colleagues" is not correct. If you click with someone, be their friend. One of my best friends is someone I started work with more than 20 years ago. We have been at 2 different places together, and we are both in senior roles at the same place now. We help each other out, share gossip about what's really happening behind the scenes, and cheerlead the fuck out of the other person when we talk to colleagues. However, be very, very selective.

Also, don't burn bridges. God, I hate like 90% of the people I work with. But unless you drastically change what you do or are on the cusp of retiring, it is very likely that you will cross paths with people you worked with over the years. So remember that part of what you are getting paid to do is pretend that you like who you work with.

Fake cancer

R17 I agree. I want to wipe with toilet paper, not a fucking t shirt.

[quote] The stuff about "not making friends with colleagues" is not correct.... One of my best friends is someone I started work with more than 20 years ago. We have been at 2 different places together, and we are both in senior roles at the same place now.

You're still co-workers, though, with the same employer and at the same level. I'm guessing it will be different when one of you retires or moves to a different job.

Don't play with guns.

R100 are you drunk? Stealing garbage?

Fake a disease nobody is familiar with and tell them you could be dead in 6 months.

Call in sick while laughing

I’m baffled by the “don’t make friends” comments. I’ve made friends in every job I have had. Some of these friendships have ended when I have moved on or the other person has, but many friendships have a sell-by date, regardless of how they start.

Some of my dearest friend started off as colleagues, and are still friends 20 years later.

R112: Call in sick. When they ask what's wrong, read the side effects of any prescription medication: dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, fever, trouble sleeping, depression, etc. etc.

What's with all the suggestions to fake cancer? Fake it 'til you make it?

Fake it to garner sympathy in the workplace and lighten the daily workload

No, I am not drunk R110. He was coming in very early in the morning and going from floor to floor stealing empty toner cartridges from the recycling bins or wherever it is used toner cartridges go. There’s a tiny amount of money in selling some types of garbage.

If true R117, you and your company are assholes. But you knew that.

Start a home based pyramid business . Sell vitamins, wellness shakes, pink drink, cosmetics, home cleaning products, etc. invite co-workers to home hosted parties. Pressurize them .

R66 sounds like a real asshole. Just because he's embittered with his life doesn't mean he has to take it out on the poor suckers who were hired to replace him. Now, thanks to his asshole-ism, the first several months of their new job will be spent cleaning up HIS mess. For the rest of their lives, they'll think back to that job with memories of the frustration and disgust they felt toward this total stranger who was so needlessly obstructive and cruel to them.

If you hate your job, quit. If you hate your life, fucking kill yourself. But don't wreck other people's on your way out.

A former coworker came up with the best "sick" excuse. This would probably only work for one day, though.

"I have a stomach ache."

Coworker said: "Prove that I didn't have a stomach ache."

Plus, who the hell wants to hear about being on the toilet (or being unable to go to the toilet), etc.

Enough said.

But I never send emails return receipt requested R118 so at least I have that going for me.

Piñatas are a great morale-boosting activity.

I doubt Lez would be the one feverishly watching overnight security tapes the minute she arrives at work, R118

[quote]I’m baffled by the “don’t make friends” comments.

There is nothing wrong with developing allies at work, you just need to understand where the lines are. I think people tend to throw around the term "friend" too quickly and easily. You never know what someone else's agenda is at work which is why you have to be careful. I've seen it happen over and over - work besties who end up at each other's throats.

Old PR wisdom that holds up in any line of work:

„If you don’t want it to spread, don’t broadcast it.“

Don’t send sensitive information via email, don’t share anything you wouldn’t want to leak out per text, don’t put personal things in writing…

Assume every written form of communication is like twitter.

[quote]If true [R117], you and your company are assholes. But you knew that.

She didn't say she's the one who got him fired.

"Assume every written form of communication is like twitter."

This is unfortunately true. Think "how would it look if my boss got this email" or "how would it look if I had to explain this email on the witness stand".

And that goes for message apps, chats, etc.

Tell the IT guys individually that you walked past their station and saw them viewing porn (you didn't, actually, but actually they did) so that when you get some NSFW shit they know to leave you the fuck alone! 😎

Unless you get a picture of them actually watching porn, they won't care.

They literally can hide their electronic tracks and you can't.

[quote] "Keep a positive Covid test result handy. Use as needed to get out of going into the office because you're "self-isolating" to protect your co-workers. (I had to send a photo into my HR to prove I was actually positive. Fuck them, I can't wait to quit in a few months.)"

I like you, R6.

Don't fucking call me.

Or text

[quote]Tell the IT guys individually that you walked past their station and saw them viewing porn

While I know R129 as joking, here's another bit of good advice: never get on the bad side of IT, maintenance staff, admin types or anyone who has the power to make your life more difficult than it already is. Be nice to them & they'll help you out (or at least won't try & fuck you over) in a pinch

I like to use lots of extra profanity at work.

[quote] I had to send a photo into my HR to prove I was actually positive.

If where you live is anything like the civilized world, employers were required by law to report positive cases to the local health authority. That's why they asked for your test.

one can't steal garbage, imo. I would contest something like that.

[quote]I like to use lots of extra profanity at work.

Oh, yeah- me too! It makes me seem more relatable.

You can steal garbage at work. Many items left as refuse are actually securely destroyed. The company maintains control of those items, unlike (for example) garbage you might leave on the curb for residential garbage pickup.

Who the hell is dumb enough to steal anything?

Be cool with your coworkers and make contacts. If they go somewhere better they might be able to get you in.

Never let someone who you might depend on for a glowing reference know any points of contention you might have with them.

Simultaneously, don't be a push over. Of something egregious is happening to you, stand up for yourself.

The hugest egos and reliable know-it-alls get promoted. Opportunity for advancement doesn't fall into your lap unless you work for it, own it and make it known.

Before you quit, find the most unassuming male that could deserve a boost and let every gay guy in the office know he has the the biggest cock you’ve ever seen!

Make nice with the HR director, à la "work friends." He will give you a heads up when somebody reports something bad about you. (True story. Somebody pledged to "take me down" but her complaints were quickly investigated and dismissed. I knew to exclude her from my department's projects and activities from then on.)

[bold]Don't shit where you eat.[/bold] That is, don't have a sexual relationship with anybody else at your place of work. Don't get drunk at work functions. Don't bring your personal shit to work and spread it around. Restrain urges to be passive-aggressive; that shit flashes around work like lightning.

Work-issued, "free" phones: not so great as they sound. You're expected to answer the phone whenever the boss calls. Also, your employer gets a statement with all of the outgoing and incoming phone calls, etc.

Who is 1-900-DADFUCK?

If I'm ever on trial for being an office shooter, my first defense will be that it was right after someone microwaved a bag of popcorn in the pantry.

I fully expect a totally sympathetic jury

Wow, DLers are miserably unhappy at work and many work in shitty micromanaged corporate jobs

If you are working on a project with people who report to you, make sure you loudly sing their praises to higher ups.

It makes you look generous (everyone will know you did the lion's share of the work because if you didn't you wouldn't be praising your employees so loudly) and it makes them feel really good and appreciated which engenders loyalty and they will go out of their way for you on the next project.

I know someone who thinks her coworkers are her friends. She ("Lindsey") and another woman spend most of the day running their mouths. When Lindsey texts the other woman on weekends, the woman does not respond to her texts. Lindsey still does not get it that the woman is not her friend. She's just using her to pass the time while at work.

R68 It’s not passive aggressive, it’s building a case when traditional methods have failed to cure ongoing problems. I take it you don’t work with Legal in any real capacity if you’re this taken aback by standard procedure. Management is watching, taking note, and checking in with Legal on how to proceed with problem employees and external partners. It’s a business.

r145, what is your point?

I haven't read this all the way through, but: please try to put as much key information in your initial request as possible so we don't have to go back and forth.

Give plausible excuses for being late or missing work. People would rather hear that your car wouldn’t start than you overslept. Don’t overuse the same excuse though.

Be nice to the cleaning crew, the assistants, the secretaries and anyone else you might have to ask to do something...it was the best advise I ever got from a an older co-worker...of course it is a given that you should be nice to them, but you would be amazed at how many people are not and never get things they needs or want done.

If your excuse for being late is that you ran over a cat, I want to see video of it.

At my old job, I was polite to everybody, including the mobile shredder (paper) guys who came by once a week.

I had scanned a bunch of personal financial documents and wanted to shred the hard copies. Had no shredder at home. I asked one of the shredder guys if he could drop my personal stack (paper) into the shredder and he said yeah and she hredded my personal stuff.

My coworker, a bitch, told me she asked the same shredding guy if he would drop her stack of paper into the shredder and he said no.

"Work" from home whenever possible

Someone wrote this on DL recently and I loved it so much, I copied and saved it for future consumption. I think it applies here. It didn't actually help me because shortly after coming across this, I got promoted without my wanting it. I still aspire to it however. Ode to the DLer who wrote it.

[Quote] The anti-trend trends describe me so well. Just like “lying flat” in your career as a rejection of the hustle culture bullshit that most people are buying into.

[Quote] But with me, it’s serious. Like, I honestly do reject the notion that I need to put effort into things. Like, this entire universe could have been made in a way that provided me with bliss 24/7. But that’s not a thing, and I’m supposed to push through conflict why? Effort is so disgusting and perplexing. And most people are obsessed with it. Everyday, they want something new. Just let me slowly expire while watching movies and drinking; that’s all I need.

How to call in sick by email or phone:

"Hello John. This is Mark. I won't be in to work today. Thank you."

Alternatively: "I'm taking a sick day today."

This probably doesn't work if you've already done this 13 times and it's only February 10, but if you use your allotted 5 or 10 sick days reasonably spaced over a year, it's all the explanation you need offer. (And what boss wants to hear about someone's loose stool, or mucous problem?)

Likewise, "I've had something unexpected come up and have to take a day to see to it. I'll charge the time to one of my sick days. Thanks."

If you don't exceed your allotted time off, treat it as a right and not as a privilege. No one needs/wants to hear your symptoms.

When there's a potluck, don't bring in "green beans soaked in vinegar."

Don’t copy someone’s supervisor on an email asking where they are with a project that is overdue. It’s a dick move and it will come back to you.

It’s been said already, but no one at your workplace is truly your friend. At best you have allies of convenience, but everything can shift when there’s a void or opportunity. Allies can become adversaries, so never reveal all your opinions to anyone, or they can use it against you. The best allies to make are gatekeepers who may not have seemingly powerful positions, but in fact they do and can make your life easier and their feedback about your can sway decision makers: personal assistants, people in HR, people in charge of facilities, your IT geek, etc. Ask people about themselves, their family and their interests and build on that small talk each time.

Don‘t ask, announce instead. And do so from your very first day.

Don’t say “Is it okay if I leave a little earlier today? I really need to take care of ….”

Do say “I will be out around four this afternoon, so I can take brief meetings until half past three.”

Remember names of the significant others and children of your coworkers.

Sounds like a big deal, but it goes a long way. Refer to them by name when asking about them to your coworkers.

Don’t come to work sick.

Don’t try to work from home while sick.

It is a waste of everyone’s time to listen to you taking 3 minutes to say one sentence because you are hacking up a lung.

To add to R163: When you are sick, you are sick. Simple as that. Don't feel bad about it, and don't worry what others might think — because they don't. Your absence will be given exactly two seconds of thought before your colleagues move on to their daily business. They won't think or speak of you for the rest of the day.

To add to r164, when you are on vacation, STAY ON VACATION. Set your out-of-office notice and be out of office. If, while on vacation, you stupidly decide to respond to email chains, participate in message groups, or join conference calls, you should not expect others to respect that you are on vacation. Nearly all of us want to be unplugged from work when we are on vacation, and we will afford you the same opportunity to unplug too. So unplug.

It drives me nuts when people on vacation insert themselves into conversations, become entangled in something urgent, take on some important activity, disappear for a whole day "because I'm on vacation", and leave the rest of us spinning.

If you do end up working a lot on vacation because of this, don't come to me after and ask me to restore some of your vacation days.

R156 that’s truly good advice.

Depending on the nature of your job of course, I would add to R165's message that there is nothing more annoying than someone who calls in or emails when they're on vacation because they think things can operate without them (or they're scared that everyone will get along fine without them). Don't be a needy bitch - if you're going to be offline, stay offline & leave everyone alone. They're relieved to have you out of their hair for awhile.

If you don't have a long memory, keep notes. Institutional knowledge is not a bad thing.

Oh, I forgot about my best tip:

HAVE TWO PHONES

Phone #1 is for work, for companies, for service providers, for the whole world… Everyone gets that number.

Phone #2 is for family, friends, lovers — only for people you like getting calls and messages from.

.

Phone #1 goes in the drawer after work and when away on vacation. It's absolute bliss.

If someone inspired you to have an idea, always make sure you thank them publicly every time you discuss the idea or result of it.

[quote] Do absolutely as little as possible and not get fired.

You sound like a government employee with tenure.

If your company is having some bullshit corporate retreat, such as making employees give up an entire weekend to hang out at a campground in the middle of the fucking woods, tell your company that you can't go because you have to attend a wedding out of state and you'll be gone all weekend.

**It is important to have the wedding be out of state because if it isn't your company will ask you to "pop in" to the bullshit retreat for a few hours at least.**

Do not save all of your emails - only save what seems important right now.

You are more likely to be in trouble from having too much information than too little.

Before you tell the Director of HR to "go fuck yourself you fucking cunt," make sure you've cleaned out your desk and office of all personal items.

[quote]No matter how good you are at your job, no matter how nice you are, and no matter how much your co-workers like you, there will always be one or two people in the office who loathe you with the fire of 20 red hot suns. Don't take it personally.

This is absolutely true. Just try to keep contact with them at a minimum.

[quote] You don't need to send a "Thanks" email. It just becomes one more email with which the recipient has to interact. And if there are multiple recipients, it can trigger a tsunami of copycat "thanks".

Literally did that 2 seconds ago. Thanks

[quote]No matter how good you are at your job, no matter how nice you are, and no matter how much your co-workers like you, there will always be one or two people in the office who loathe you with the fire of 20 red hot suns. Don't take it personally.

I would add this is especially true now that politics/talking about politics is so present in the workplace; people will hate you - even without knowing you - for your political beliefs (or what they think your beliefs are)

R174: an addition. Also make sure you’ve got copies of anything important that you need: templates, forms, anything in email. If you’re planning to pop off to management, then plan for systems access to be quickly terminated.

[quote] Before you tell the Director of HR to "go fuck yourself you fucking cunt," make sure you've cleaned out your desk and office of all personal items.

A few years ago, I worked a miserable job. The boss was fucking an underling. Underling did have some power and was micromanaging everybody.

My coworker and I talked about removing all personal items from our offices, reducing it to what we could carry out in a small bag, if need be.

[quote] Don’t say “Is it okay if I leave a little earlier today? I really need to take care of ….” Do say “I will be out around four this afternoon, so I can take brief meetings until half past three.”

Tip my aunt gave me and that changed my life.

R180, in my business we call it "ask for forgiveness rather than permission".

Working late hours at the office is usually a sign of poor time management/spending too much time on DL, Facebook, etc. during normal working hours. It doesn't impress any of your smarter colleagues.

Marry a prince and you’ll never have to work again.

R173 Some of us work in sectors with archiving policies in place. We have to save certain emails for a set amount of time to comply with open-records laws.

R173 - Save what you need to save to comply with law. But do not save every email. Some people think that this is a way to protect themselves if anything goes wrong. But I have worked on many employee investigations, and employees who keep emails for far too long are the ones who are getting fucked over by their email retention habits.

As someone above said, don't burn bridges when you leave. No matter how much you may want to burn the place down, don't do it - even if you're retiring and never plan to work again. You don't want your final exit to be a nasty one. Don't be that person.

When you're new to the job or you get a new boss, make sure you have a frank conversation with that boss to establish expectations and to find out what he expects. Don't play the guessing game and don't wait for him to come to you.

r1 and r10 have some of the best advice. So much of work is pacing yourself.

My own: Check out specialized agencies that work with the large tech companies for quick interviews and great contract rates. I was surprised to get the best income offers from them recently (mid six figures). Try ProUnlimited for starters.

If all else goes to shit, there's always Onlyfans and Chaturbate.

If you catch your boss in a compromising position with an intern, use that as leverage to get what you want.

"If all else goes to shit, there's always Onlyfans and Chaturbate."

If your boss seems like a fag, there's Onlyfans and Chaturbate.

Don’t sweat the small stuff!

Don’t sweat during anal

Retire.

When someone makes a mistake like a typo, do not hit “reply to all” and point this out to everyone unless it’s absolutely necessary.

What are they going to do R194, hit reply all and email Oh Dear!!?

To R24, Tell me about it!!

R194 geez did someone really do that thinking they would look like the smart one?

On your 2nd day of work, establish yourself as the workplace bitch. This will provide you with a very specific coping mechanism to get you through your year(s) at the company. You can cry at home at night.

I’ve been rolling around on my bed laughing like a hyena at the absurdity of r112. It’s hilarious to even think about doing that and the response!

If you were annoyed by my email, don’t add my supervisors name to your reply. We’re not in grade school.

These are all great, UNLESS you work at a restaurant!

THEN you should-

Be friends with everyone

Go out drinking with everyone

Gossip freely with everyone

Sleep with everyone

Cry in front of everyone

Steal with everyone

You'll have so much more fun, have dear friends for life, and be glad you did!

R195 Yup, grammar police love to point out a mistake in other’s work by hitting reply all. Be a bigger person and just let the sender know.

R201: “These are all great, UNLESS you work at a restaurant!”

All true. Working in a restaurant is the closest that most of us will ever have to living a highly dramatic life like a Judd.

I had an employee who didn't like the job for which he was hired, didn't like the constraints, etc. I told him on multiple occasions that while I empathized with what he was saying, at the end of the day, this is the job & if you don't want to do it, look elsewhere & find your bliss. Life is short. He did eventually find a job, but when he left, he made sure to send me a big fuck you as he went out the door. That's fine - that was his choice, I guess, but when I got called for a clearance for him for his next job, they asked me about his character & I told them that he was immature, sloppy and used poor judgement. I didn't think he'd intentionally disclose information, but his poor attitude, belligerence and tendency to get very irritated over small issues made him a very poor employee. I have no idea if he got the clearance or not - I strongly suspected he quit other jobs in a similar huff - so if the investigators had multiple people telling them the same thing...who knows. Point being, if he'd conducted himself like an even somewhat mature adult, I would not have offered that feedback. I'm sure as he was walking out the door, he thought our paths would never cross again. But they did

That sounds like a story that probably has another side.

Oh, I'm sure it definitely has another side; I guess my point was that if you choose to go nuclear on other people on the way out the door, don't assume that you won't encounter them again. The world is a smaller place than you think.

Listen to the ENTIRE voicemail message you receive. My out of office message will tell you that I am out of the office, how long I will be out of the office, and who to contact if you have an urgent issue to address. There's nothing worse than coming back from being away only to find 50 notices from the same number as 'missed calls.' I leave the same OOO message in my email.

Along with R165, I have a back up person to contact when I'm out of the office. I don't respond to messages when I'm away because (1) I may be duplicating efforts, i.e., responding to a message, out of order, that my back up already responded to and, (2) I have a back up for a reason! My back up can handle anything that comes up and, if they can't, at most I'm only gone 5-7 working days.

Better still: fill up your voicemail and delete nothing so that no one can leave a voicemail. Just give your email address and tell folks to email you there.

One less thing to check.

People who still leave voicemails are ridiculous. Send a text or at the very least an email, grandpa!

R208 Calling in with our song of the day!

Here is another tip for those of you who are managers. I am a GenXer and you have to be flexible in your management style when dealing with staffers who are millennials and GenZ. I can't treat millennial and GenZ staffers in the same way that I treat GenX staffers and the 2 Boomers staffers that I have remaining. The one size fits all approach to management is a sign of a bad manager. You need to adapt based on the needs of the individual.

For instance, with my fellow GenXers you give them the assignment and then leave them alone to do it. It doesn't work that way with Millenials and GenZers or my 2 Boomers.

as GenX I simply vicious face-slap all the others

It's true that Gen Xers tend to work alone and be fine with it. No hand-holding.

If many of your clients, co-workers and supervisors tend to stop at the same coffee shops and restaurants as you during business hours, be very careful what you say. You may be out of the office, but it is very likely that someone you work with/for could still overhear you.

If you are making a presentation, be sure to clear your desktop of any embarrassing photos, videos, etc and close all non-work tabs on your browser before you share your screen.

Always be aware that just because you write something on a work group chat with office "friends", someone can still take a screenshot and share your conversation with others outside the group.

If you have a decent boss and you are drama free person, smart and a hard worker and the organization you work for is large, but you don’t think your current job aligns with you skills or goals, consider talking to your boss about it. Your boss can build good will with colleagues by referring a strong candidate. You can retain benefits and seniority if you stay within the company. And it allows your boss to start doing informational interviews. It’s a high risk move because there a many bad bosses out there, but if done correctly it’s a win-win-win.

If a company doesn’t routinely promote from within, that’s the reddest of red flags.

[quote]If you are making a presentation, be sure to clear your desktop of any embarrassing photos, videos, etc and close all non-work tabs on your browser before you share your screen.

If you work from home and your personal computer is also used as your work computer, have a separate login for both. That way none of your personal stuff will be on the work login.

Rule number one: stop using the phone. Learn to text or email. Periodt!

[quote]Periodt!

Oh, dear.

"Team building" events that take place after work hours are bullshit ways for the company to steal your personal time. My company does this all the time and I never go because frankly, if they want us to "team build" it should be done on THEIR time. But keep in mind that you will be seen as not a team player if you don't go. I'm lucky that I'm at the age where I don't give a fuck what they think of me. I'm good at my job and they know it and that's all that should matter.

R219 -yes all of this crap. My firm has also added wellness workshops (take a walk around the city blocks with your co-workers during your lunch hour! Meet us for a yoga and stretching sessions in the basement!), mandatory diversity training presentations, and group lunch events in a conference room for team building and getting to know your co-workers better). Gag. All of this is during the lunch hour time frame. I never go except for the mandatory diversity stuff (boring so boring), but then I always take a lunch hour afterward. That's my unpaid personal time during the day and they can't have it.

[quote] getting to know your co-workers better

You co-workers are just that, your co-workers. They're not your friends and who gives a fuck about getting to know them personally.

R221, in some cases, it pays off to know a bit about your co-workers, and makes your work life better - and helping YOU work with them better and get things from them that you need. Are you really that much of a Neanderthal you don't understand that concept?

r222 I was talking about co-workers who want to be your best friend and are always trying to get you to talk about your personal life.

I don't need social activities with my co-workers every five minutes

As far as being friends at work, to me I guess it's a matter of reading the room. Some people you genuinely click with and they are really your friends. For some people, it's a matter of just polite small talk, asking about their kids and how they're doing, even if you don't really care because it's the polite, civil thing to do. And even if you genuinely can't stand people, as noted by several posters, a lot of work & just life in general is just about getting along with others. But for most people, you have something in common that you won't once you leave the job. But above all else, be genuinely careful what you say & the info you share. And never, ever, put your real thoughts or feelings in an email or on social media where someone can stumble across it.

You’re all working at shit jobs from the sounds of it.

r225 every job has its struggles, no matter what you do for a living. There is no such thing as a perfect job.

Is this how you dress for the office? You look like a blood clot.

R214 this happened to a friend of mine. She complained about a boss in a workplace private chat with two coworkers and one of them sent it to the boss. My friend got fired and the one who ratted her out got to take my friend's place. It's a viper pit out there, folks.

r225. And? what is your point?

I’m sorry to hear about your friend R228. Bosses who fire people who complain about them in standard “everyone complains about the boss sometimes” ways aren’t very good bosses. A good boss understands that if you want staff who can hear and act on constructive criticism, you can’t model insecurity and thin skin. And people who pass along so and so doesn’t like you drama deserve to be ignored, not promoted.

R230 Um well she actually said that everyone is so far up his ass that their noses are brown so it wasn't exact standard criticism. It was just surprising that her coworker, who she always vouched for, who she actually defended to the boss, would betray her like that.

Ha! That’s so not a reason for firing someone. It’s not even really a direct criticism of the boss per se. Your poor friend. I hope she found a better job right away.

I just try to do my job to the best of my ability and stay out of office gossip and politics.

She did R232. Higher paying, better benefits. But she was bitter about it for awhile though now she realizes it was for the best, as she wasn't particularly happy with it.

That's good to hear r234. Sometimes getting fired can be a very good thing, you move on to better opportunities.

[quote]You’re all working at shit jobs from the sounds of it.

I don't agree with that at all. Much of what is mentioned in this thread is common in many workplaces. It doesn't mean it's a shit job, it just means that you're working with people. People are complicated. Most people have an agenda. There are people you like and people you don't. A lot of this stuff is normal human interaction, regardless of what the situation is.

A lot of these tips are designed to help you navigate "people" more so than the job. As someone once told me, the older you get the more you realize that life is just replaying high school over and over again.

If you have to go into the restroom to take a dump, don't bring any work materials with you.

R228 unless the statute ran your friend should get an employment lawyer.

Just be nice to the gentleman Fancy, they'll be nice to you! Here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down!!

R238 it's a right to work state and the second they fired her she lost all access to work systems so she couldn't copy and save the conversation. She did think about fighting it but she didn't want it on her work record. And besides, it was a low paying shitty job but one of those situations where you don't realize it until you leave. She got another job within a week (because her work ethic is so good she can do the job of two employees. I know for a fact because I worked with her at the same place for a time)

r288 something similar happened to me. The company I worked for used AOL instant messenger for some reason and I was talking to a friend outside the company on it and I complained about the boss to her and she replied with something funny like, "You're just a button-pushing monkey" and the next thing I knew, I was in the boss' office. It became apparent right then that he was using a keystroker on my computer and had seen what she and I had written. He threatened to fire me. I apologized and then he apologized to me for being a shitty boss and I kept my job but lesson learned that your workplace watches everything you do on the computer.

When I'm at work I use my Smartphone for all my personal internet stuff, never my work pc.

Not to invalidate any of these tips but it's all so exhausting it doesn't seem worth it to try. Too much bullshit.

This is from my own personal experience y'all, so it may not work for everybody....mmmkay?

If you work at a chain restaurant (like an Applebees or Chilis)...try to flirt with your manager and see if he responds...if he is married (they all are), he will.

Then you start making out with him in his Camaro on your breaks (which get longer and longer BTW) and poof you get better shifts and make way more money in tips!

Spread ur ass cheeks

Outside of work I don't socialize with anyone that either reports to me or is not in the same job category as me. I have no interest in seeing anyone that reports to me drunk or in a social situation that could be awkward for anyone. I am nice to people, and people love me at work, but they know I don't mix my private social life and my work life. For those that think this makes me cold...many people later on in their career have said to me that they adopted the same attitude once they became a leader or boss in a company.

Suck male boss feet and cock underneath desks every Friday.

[quote]People who still leave voicemails are ridiculous. Send a text or at the very least an email, grandpa!

My experience has been that many people cannot infer tone or nuance in emails and often misinterpret them as a result, causing much more work to clarify afterward than a 3 minute phone call or message takes.

Who has all their coworkers' phone numbers to text them? I sure as hell don't give mine out to everyone, especially the creepier coworkers.

Only an asshole leaves a voice message or text saying, "Call me as soon as you can," with no further details.

Especially if you're a manager or supervisor.

For god's sake, leave a clue as to why you're calling in the briefest of words.

R249 We have a phone tree for emergencies with everyone’s contact info. It’s on the dept drive and I hate it because I’m super private. I can’t remember at the moment if it’s easy to find or if it’s because I’m part of the continuity team, either way, boo :(

Question: when new to a job, how does one deal with a controlling/micromanaging co-worker? I've spoken to my supervisor a couple of times & this person locks horns with pretty much everyone, but he attaches himself like a barnacle & it's hard to assume any kind of responsibility or tasking without him constantly in my backseat, trying to tell me what to do. I recognize I still need to learn the organization, but I'm an experienced professional & I understand the job. I'm about at my wits end with this person.

Thank him for the lovely suggestion. Click your tongue. Walk away.

Do your job the way you see fit. Keep your supervisor happy, that's all that matters.

R 252, when you are in a meeting with your manager and this barnacle, ask a question that requires your boss to explain who you report to and the chain of command...if this doesn't do it, your boss needs to step in and set the line for this idiot

Thanks for the guidance R253 & 254; while this one isn't my first rodeo in dealing with a micromanager, this one is particularly virulent one, hoarding information, making things unnecessarily complicated and trying to insert herself into every discussion, conversation, etc to ensure she maintains control at all times.

Hell is truly other people; I can't wait to retire

All these years of work and r255 hasn't learned how to overload a micromanager with information?

R256, yes that's one strategy. Also a direct conversation with that person, telling them what they are doing, and that it is unprofessional, and they are coming across terribly, and that if it doesn't stop, they will be dealt with by talking to their manager, can also help. It worked in my situation, because the person needed to know that they were not dealing with another victim. Some folks really do think they are being helpful when hovering and making suggestions, and others are just assholes. Either way, it needs to be addressed head on - especially when someone is new.