Gay Men Aged 45+ More Likely To Be Single

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[quote]Robert is a 54 year old single gay man who has never been in a relationship. He was teased relentlessly as a child because of gender non-conforming behavior, and carries with him a significant sense of internalized homophobia. He finds himself only attracted to “straight acting men,” who often actually identify as heterosexual. Robert has used a number of dating and hook-up apps, but none has resulted in any serious dating.

It’s not a thoughtful piece, but it’s not totally without some merit. It has data, some anecdotal stories, but mostly it read like a term paper. A lot of obvious conclusions are presented as well.

I'm part of this demographic (48). Never been in a relationship, because I was trying to get over all of the negative self-talk I had absorbed as a kid. I didn't realise how long it would take. By the time I've gotten some of my act together, I'm middle-aged. I've also gotten used to living my life single. Looking back, there was one guy that "got away." On paper, he had it all. But, I wasn't ready for him and didn't love myself enough to think I deserved someone like that. Last time I checked, he was single as well (but I've moved countries). He's 44.

The grass is always greener on the other side. I'm a firm believer that if it's going to happen, it will. But, I'm not (completely) deluded. Maybe a small bit of hope tucked away in the back of my mind.

I also came of age in the mid-1990s. Many of my generation and older succumbed to HIV/AIDS. My age appropriate dating pool took a big hit. Not making excuses, but it certainly didn't create more opportunities.

I only date in Europe.

“Where is the lie?” What is this, an Instagram caption from 2017?

I’m 34 and never been in a relationship. I use the apps for casual sex but I’ve never been on a proper “date”

I’ve “been in love” a few times but it was unrequited. I’ve never had love where the guy loved me back. Or even liked me, I imagine.

I’ll be sad when my life is over that I never had romance, but at the same time, I think it will be difficult for me to find someone who isn’t annoying and doesn’t find me annoying.

I’m a difficult person.

I've just turned 40 and am currently single. My thoughts are: if it happens it happens, if it doesn't, well I can deal with that. I'm quite solitary anyway. But I would love someone to love. I always seem to be stuck in that cycle where either guys like me, but I don't like them more than friendship, or then I think other guys would be perfect for me, but they're taken or not interested (with the taken ones - it's become a running joke with my friends how the guys who chase me always mention "my husband/boyfriend" right after I've slept with them).

However, I don't notice this over 45 and more likely to be single thing among most of the older gay men I know. In fact, there's been a lot of finding love late in life. So many articles like this seem to be solely to try and scare and depress people. Don't let them.

The majority of my friends (including myself) are long time couples. The singles in the group are frankly exhausting. They have a lot of boundaries and are generally inflexible. It’s no surprise they are single. When you get to be my age, (60’s) and you have friends that have never been in a relationship, there’s usually a reason , outside of never meeting Mr. Right.

"Gay Men Aged 45+ Like To Be Single"

FIFY

Not every Gay man wants to be a couple

If you are on DL, you KNOW this is true! Who wants to hang out with bitter, grouchy xenophobic old queens! They have been taught self hate! Every man over 50 wants a twink age 18 - 20 but the younger generation wants nothing to do with them. Can you blame them?

The sad truth is that a great deal of people, gay or straight, don't know what love really is. They got mentally fucked up by their parents, who used money, religion, physical abuse, and withholding love as means to control their children. That children grow into adults who wonder why their relationships don't work out and then blame everybody but themselves, because surely the way they've been raised has no influence on what is going on in their lives nowadays.

When I was 18-20 I couldn't stand doofie guys my own age. Now that I'm older I REALLY can't stand guys 18-20. I don't like guys under 30. 40+ are the best

So much for gay marriage.

[quote] The sad truth is that a great deal of people, gay or straight, don't know what love really is. They got mentally fucked up by their parents, who used money, religion, physical abuse, and withholding love as means to control their children.

MARY!

r10, I learned in therapy that not being in a relationship doesn't mean you're a half person. I'm happy with myself, have many friends and prefer not to be linked to one guy.

We are the same person, R7. Except I’m 31 and probably get less ass/fuck than you in the apps. But ultimately I couldn’t be more content right now. A relationship just sounds like a bother to me. I’m pretty lucky and have a good life, but I think our perspective is interesting and few people would understand who aren’t legitimate incels (which I know you’re not).

I was with the same guy for 22 years. I wouldn't go back into a situation of endless compromises and constant arguing over every little thing for anything in the world. Although at times having a partner is nice. It mostly isn't 😒

That's because they look at rich people and the media and see old dudes having hot younger trophy wives and boytoys and then asking themselves "Why can't I have that? Oh, It's because I am not a celebrity or rich and powerful!" and then they get depressed, feeling like a total failure. They chase an ideal not every person can accomplish and set themselves up for failure and misery that way.

We’re too picky.

I’ve always known guys young in relationships. If you want a twink who parties, then of course you’re not going to find a serious life partner. I’ve always gone for geeky guys. I never had a problem. They were always cute and ready to settle down.

[r17] [r7] here. Glad to know I’m not the only one! 😃

At 45, I finally decided to settle down. I had no interest before 45 and have had no regrets after meeting my husband. I do agree, however, that I don't think being in a relationship needs to be the end-all for all persons either.

Most of us like being a butterfly, fluttering to each new flower we see

^ And don't forget butterflies are free 😂🤢

Being in and sustaining a relationship takes maturity. You often have to put the other person's needs above your own.

Most gay men are too narcissistic and immature to do this.

I had many short term relationships over the years, and a few sad situations. At 43 I met a great guy my age and we have been together 9 years.

Don't give up, fellow Eldergays.

I’m in this demographic. 47 and always been single. I met several guys in my 20’s who I was cavalier with and didn’t pursue (even though they wanted me). Now I look back and think “damn they were what it’s supposed to be about!!”. They ticked every box from awesome sex to even feelings of love, but I wouldn’t let them get close as I was scared of commitment.

The worst part now is I actually like being single and pleasing myself and I also know what ‘love is’. If I fell in love with a guy I’d gladly give it a go now, but I’m not giving up my selfish, single life for just anything!

I have to be honest, I don’t get how anyone (whatever their sexual preference) can just decided they want to ‘settle down’ and go looking for someone to fit the bill! I’ve seen so many people (straights particularly) who just decided to find someone and then end up with the first person who came along! What hell!!

R26, you think straight men aren't immature?!

I agree, R28. One benefit of being gay is we don't have as much pressure to be partnered with kids. We get to be more choosy regarding the idea of settling with someone.

I’m going to ITW with my parents and they are frankly thrilled to see Doogie Howser live…so there’s that.

What concerns me is Patti LuPone always talks about how unprepared he was for Company so hopefully he’s learned his lesson .

Oh big surprise.

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me...

Those who are in that demographic did not grow up expecting to have life partners whom they marry.

The current younger generations of gays do seem to have love and marriage as goals

Is it time for this again?

Interesting – no mention of the oddity (one we all know well) that lesbians are far more likely to hitch up the U-Haul on the second date and live in a constant LESBIAN DRAMA hellscape for decades if need be.

We gay men don't require such silliness.

R36, some might consider it silliness to chase after straight guys who are uninterested in you like the guy at r2

r14 I wonder how many gay marriages there are annually in the UK, USA, Australia etc?

r14 I wonder how many gay marriages there are annually in the UK, USA, Australia etc?

As you get older you get more set in your ways and less willing to compromise to accommodate another person (and vice-versa), which is necessary to develop and maintain an LTR, regardless of your sexual orientation.

I know some single guys who want a relationship but expect the other guy to adapt to them only. That only works if the other guy is a doormat, and most people don't want that for long.

So yes, of you to hang on to your selfish self then you will likely remain single, and it's probably better that way. But if you do, please spare us the moaning and groaning 20 years from now about how lonely you are.

BTW, the internalized homophobia argument only goes so far, as lesbians can have the same kind of experiences growing up, yet they are more likely to develop relationships.

47 here and I have only had one relationship in my entire life that has lasted 25 years this year. I think the poster put it perfectly above - relationships take a lot of self-sacrifice which most people are unwilling to do especially as you get older and set in your ways. Once you have more to give up for someone else, the harder it becomes. When I met my husband at 22 it was easy to think in grand, overarching terms because we were barely formed adults ourselves and didn't really know what it all meant. But on this side of things it is quite amazing and quite an accomplishment to feel you have formed a life so closely knit together with someone else.

But a relationship doesn't mean head over heels madly in love. I really do believe that is a fantasy and not what long term relationships are made of. You just have to find someone you like whose outlook on life is similar to yours and make a life at it. So many of you are walking around with best friends you could easily have been in a relationship with. I am basically in a relationship with my best friend. We never said we were going to be together forever. We just always said, let's see how this goes. That doesn't mean it has been easy - especially as we've gotten older and grown into somewhat different adults. No matter what though, I keep affirming this is my partner in life. We have been through so many ups and downs together. It's us against whatever life throws at us.

Our relationship isn't open but I certainly wouldn't be hurt if he had sex with someone else. And the feeling is mutual. I guess that's one good thing about male relationships, knowing the difference between love and sex. And anyone who is in a long term gay relationship would agree.

r41 You got it right it's something you have to work for IF it's what you want.

Gay men don't need a woman to take care of them like 99% of straight men do, nor do they need someone to take care of them financially like plenty of women still do. Marriage was, until fairly recently, a purely economic relationship and had nothing to do with modern notions of romantic love.

R41 I get what you are saying totally, but I think your fortune was finding that person you could try with over 20 years ago and not overlooking him as I did with one or two.

In fairness to us single over 40s, try having two years of being alone and getting to please yourself. You are to set in your ways to compromise.

R28 and R44 I identify with what you're saying, though I've been in a few relationships. I had no idea what I wanted when I was in my early 20s and look back at some missed opportunities with regret, even though I know better.

A a very good friend once put it, "Whenever I've been in any kind of relationship, I had the feeling that somewhere, someone was WAITING for me." I'm selfish with my alone time, and getting more that way, it seems, even with friends. That's not good for relationships.

I don't pine for a relationship now (47) but still have hope that somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight....

Being with the wrong person is a horrible life. Being with the right person is easy. And you know the difference within a few dates.

^ The right person can change after a few years. It happens

R43 don't you want someone to cuddle with in front of a movie at home? Or trying out new recipes with? Or maybe you just prefer a different hard dick every night

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s because gay men are unrealistic in what they THINK they deserve: they all think they deserve a guy who is a 10 when they themselves are a 5 or 6 at best, they want a millionaire, they want the guy to entertain them, they want the guy to be under 40, they want him to have a 9 inch dick, etc. It’s delusional to think you’re going to get all that and that’s why so many gay men end up alone. It’s one thing to have standards and wants, but it’s another to be delusional and unrealistic.

Some of us are gonna run with the "different hard dick every night" option

Some of the comments are taking things to a very negative place whilst painting gay men with a broad brush.

I don’t think there are that many gay men who are a 6 and won’t settle for anything less than a 10. IMO, I think I’m a 6 or a 7 overall. In my past, I dated 5’s and even lower than that (because that’s all I thought I deserved I guess). I had a shot at a 10, but looking back, I just wasn’t ready yet. I am probably still not if I’m being honest.

I think the majority are looking for a connection that goes beyond the physical, haven’t found it, and don’t feel the need to get into any old relationship.

I do feel like we’re pressured by society to nest with someone. I do feel like some of us are genuinely happy not being in a relationship. I do feel there are some of us who struggle with mental health issues that make it unrealistic to get into relationships. And I do feel that a lot of us were conditioned to have a low sense of self-worth from a young age by parents and/or society due to our sexuality, and that’s not something that can be dealt with effectively all of the time, even decades later. I find that just holding down a job, paying the bills, spending time with friend , doing a little travel, and going on my bushwalks is “success.” Others may not see it that way. That’s fine. They may also pity me. And bully for them. I’m just tired and it doesn’t get any easier as I get older.

For myself, all I know is that I’m doing my best. A relationship would be lovely, but I’ve never gotten to a place where I can attract someone healthy into my life, who I would have a connection with.

I still work on myself. Who knows if I’ll ever get “there.” (Wherever that is). Im just doing my best. And I know a lot of others are in the same boat. The less we judge each other, the better.

I like your posts Cinesmatch.

R51 Get real. Being alone sucks.

Mother and I get along just fine, thank you.

The error here is what?

I’m a 6 or a 7 overall

This really means that you are 4 or 5, gay men always overestimate their attractiveness.

r49 Said it best!

If Cinesnatch, vomiting out it’s story at r4, wouldn’t be such a self righteous virtue signaling test, maybe it would it find a man that could tolerate it.

You reap what you sow.

No, R56. I’m a 6 or a 7. If I was your average DLer and wanted to pretend to be something I’m not. I would have said an 8. Not sure how you came to your conclusion taking into consideration everything I wrote. I have a clear history of being honest on this site. So, in the past, I’ve written I’m 48 (like in this thread), I’m not quite 6’1”, I have a 31” waist, etc; these are all facts. I realise that rating oneself is subjective. I imagine some more austute DLers can glean from my posts that part of my issue is that I’ve always undersold myself. And that’s something I’m still working on. The truth is I’ve also had a professional setback recently which did additional damage to my self-confidence for which I’m recovering from.

I realise that most people lie/deceive (like on apps). I’m generally not like most people. On the dating apps, I provide the facts and use recent pictures (I certainly choose my best angles). On an anonymous board like DL, I have nothing to gain by pretending I’m something I’m not, even if that’s what most others do. In the looks department, I am a 7. My problem is that I always thought I was less (I believe I actually wrote that in a previous post you were free to read). Body-wise, I’m a 6 or a 7 (slender, with some muscle tone). If I start working out with a trainer again; I can be an 8. Intelligence-wise, I’m a 7. I read and have informed opinions. On the personality scale, on a good day, I am a 9. I can be gregarious and put people at ease without ulterior motives or trying to sell something. On the kindness/thoughtfulness scale, I am an 8. My main issue is my depression which brings down my score. Way down. And of course there is the age scale. I’m not yet 50, so I figure I’m a 5 (well, on DL, that makes me a -2 or whatever). But I’m not looking for someone much younger than myself.

So, yes, if I was like most DLers (which I’m thankfully not), I would say I’m an 8. But I don’t, because I’m not.

^ Get a blog, you rancid breathed twat

R58 You’ve really given this some thought haven’t you…

yes r58 Rants too much and too long, obviously a lying troll.

I disagree that all gay men overestimate their attractiveness.

I think online they may try and present a higher number in order to get more traction on dating apps. It doesn't mean they firmly believe it.

I’d sooner do the opposite and say I’m worse looking than I am. At least then nobodies disappointed.

Precisely R63.

And why anyone would want to oversell themselves on DL is beyond me.

I'm 43, so close enough to the target age.

I've had two LTR with men I loved and who loved me back. I'm so grateful to both. My life wouldn't be as rich without either.

I've also dated three men seriously, but for under six months. All three are still friends and I am also grateful for them.

But the truth is? Relationships are fucking hard. And at the end of the day? They just aren't worth it to me. Too much give, not enough take.

I've had sufficient.

Unless I meet the man of my dreams, I am more than happy to ride it out solo with my good friends and the occasional fuck buddy.

That article is very superficial.

I'm 38 and ina long term relationship for a few years but it's long distanced and my lover doesn't seem to be invested in moving to me or I to him. Every few months we travel to meet each other and that seems to be ok with him. But it isn't for me. I do think he is devoted to me to a point but I guess he loves his solitary life more. I'm torn between choices I have to make

Jake McDormant has just turned 36, and is still unmarried and childless and dating that self-professed lesbian Tiptoe for a decade. Obviously, he gay and beardin'. This is a dull year btw

58yo sgwm, and loving every minute of it. When I want company, I have company, and when I don't want company, I don't have company. I like being single, living alone, and an occasional sexual romp. It works for me. :-)

As if being in a relationship is something to want. Single people are blessed until the mortgage is due.

I'm 50, and I've never been in a relationship, I used to hope for one, but now I feel like I'm just too broken to be worth anyone's time.

I'm the same r71 but i also am so immersed in my work i don't know if I'll be able to pay attention to a relationship. They are a lot of work.

Some of us prefer to be single or not have to answer to anyone and keep a few good regulars around for when needed.

Maybe the number of single, 45+ year old men is due to gay marriage not being legal for very long. When you were a boy, it's was not even something you could realistically dream of or imagine.

It's good to have gay marriage as a life goal for gay couples. We grew up expecting to fuck as much as possible. That was my life goal as a young gay man. That was very harmful in hindsight though it was fun.