My renaissance festival sexual assault experience

I guess I should have titled my post my renaissance fair sexual insult experience

Is this the new brick shithouse troll?

Punch and Judy? OP is typing from the 1950's.

I think he was inquiring about your donkey.

This happened in 2014.

This made me laugh.

[quote]mid-evil garb

Oh, DEAR!

This had potential.

4/10

I don’t know why, but this story and responses are making me really laugh. Christ, I needed this.

Sorry, OP!

It must have been a truly crappy Renaissance Festival. Punch and Judy didn't appear until 100 years later and was originally a marionette. The hand puppet version did not become standard until the 1700s.

So, it wasn't a mead cute?

puny cocklet, built a brick shithouse...

You're slipping, OP.

Omg the beginning was sooo good I thought for sure this was gonna be a 10/10 EST, but you didn’t stick the landing! Next time you tell it, make sure he actually assaults you and that he does it with the puppets. Nice try, though.

The Rape Troll is back!

This is a true story, fool.

So, not getting fisted by the hand puppet deducts from final score.

Someone needs to take this, change the ending and repost it!

He was asking how your ass was faring because he saw them make the meat pasties earlier, and you had a half eaten one in your fat fist as you walked by his booth.

I was hoping it would be a BILL TAYLOR story

R11 = proof that there are still some decently funny folks around here, and have been for a long time. Too funny hun!

OP, one can sympathize, there are some wildly inappropriate people at some of these events. Just nauseatingly flirty and handsy. But don't throw the whole lot of them out! Ren fairs can be fun!

Fuck you r17! You’d probably have spread your ass wide open and let him fist you with that damned sock puppet.

I should have stayed home but I was bored and wanted something to do. I shouldn’t have gone there alone but Dylan said he was watching a ballgame and really didn’t want to go out in the heat.

these are the true subjects of supernerd Henry Cavill's sexual fantasies.

I was able to get Dylan riled up later and he and I went back to the festival together. He wanted to see this creepy guy for himself and confront him over his lewd behavior towards me. The puppet booth was empty as were most of the other booths. The fair had closed down for the evening early because of nobody turning out due to the heat. Dylan wanted to beat his ass. I was jumpy and anxious for days afterwards.

[quote]Fuck you [R17]! You’d probably have spread your ass wide open and let him fist you with that damned sock puppet

Well, it would have been a better story at least.

Joustice for OP!

R25 why don’t you re-enact it by yourself with that ending??

Next time, try singing this...

I want to hear the one about your sexual assault at the Up with People concert in Hartford.

OP obviously the only reason you were there was for the deep fried Turkey legs, which I’m sure you had more than your fair share of. Your fantasy is unimpressive. 0/10

Ah, but did he ask you about the pubic hair on your Coke?

R30, that's why OP dressed as Henry VIII.

[quote][R25] why don’t you re-enact it by yourself with that ending??

Well, in addition to being a terrible storyteller, you’re so ANGRY, OP!

😡😡😡

And what did you and Dylan do that night? You were his ho-ah for the night, weren't you? Don't lie to us, OP.

I was molested .

I was hoping a turkey drumstick was going to be forced up your ass, OP. Kind of a let down.

Who else read that as “how is your ass farting?”

Bitches, it's "shit brickhouse," not "brick shithouse"!

Feudal or futile mid-evil?

Did you really think it was "mid-evil," OP? That defies belief.

[quote] As I walked I remember saying aloud “feets don’t fail me now”.

I can't stop laughing at this.

midi-eeeevil!

What was the bawdy wench doing while all this was taking place? Did she simply turn a blind eye?

I was in there, alone, with that weird-ass.

R43 was it Sandy Duncan?

[quote] As I was washing my hands this weird-assed tall dude with long stringy black hair, wearing renaissance clothes, stood inside the restroom door, which was to my side. He shouted “good afternoon”!

What a fucking amateur! This is not how you do it, at all.

Thanks for the laugh!

Huzzah!

that's what you're supposed to say

Laughing at my tragedy

If only Lady Elaine Fairchild had taken advantage of you after a few too many spins on the Museum-GO-Round, OP. Now THAT would have been a story.

I couldn’t stand that red nosed lez

Mine ass is fine sir, how bigeth is your pole sir?

Museum go round

Fie, the chancred whores!

An assfull of pox slithered hence.

Yeah, but where were the Morris dancers?

He wanted to rape me. If I had stood still he would have attempted to over power me.

Was it your hot body in that pair of stays, or the new clocked stockings you'd bought that made him insatiable?

He’d been clocking me probably as soon as I was in the vicinity.

I will admit that I am hot

Maybe he was a proctologist. How was your ass faring, really?

No he was a sexual predator

[quote]No he was a sexual predator

Well the why didn’t you call the post “My Renaissance Fair Sex Trafficking Nightmare!”?

I whacked off in the rest area of a Renaissance Faire for a few minutes with one of the characters. He was a big burly redhead in a kilt. Kinda fun.

Let me redeem myself. I am op. I am NOT r63

Wasn't there a song a king wrote for OP ? I think it was called Lady Stanksleeves.

mid-evil. LOL!

^ you son of a bitch you

MPGA

Make Pussy Great Again

That's too bad, Brandon/OP. Is Dylan with Kelly or Brenda now? Can't keep track.

OP's overdoing the "mid-evil" thing (My own Xtian trash case-study participants say "media-evil" but never repeat it in the same sitting; they prefer "dark-sided" and "Muslim Obama n****-f****** Communist.") and not working through at least four more edits showed that this thread is in the hands of a neophyte, not-yet ready for apprenticeship in the "Extra Savory Tales" Craft Guild.

The essentials are verisimilitude, ethical quandary and misdirection. Here we have oafishness, one-note shallowness and a path cut by herds of cattle or Ross DFL lardbag shoppers sporting the anatomical paint of their black tights with no underwear and crucifix ankle bracelets.

I guess this isn’t the Ren Faire where the man go up into the man?

I’m so fuckin’ tired

R64, a likely story.

So you like gingers in kilts.

R63 here. I'm not the OP. Who doesn't love a ginger in a kilt with a fat uncut cock?

Isn’t it crazy how a memory will just sneak up on ya then grab your nads and not let ‘em go?!

I just read a post about puppets. I experienced the trauma all over again.

Don't do drugs, kids.

Was it rape rape?

Omg, this thread really IS hilarious. 😄

I can just imagine op strutting through the renaissance fair with his ass cheeks hanging out of his daisy dukes wondering WHY all these horrid men are following him.

R80 are you having flashbacks of yourself at Pride last year?

Did you report him to his liege lord?

Oh my this really made me laugh.

My Lord—He doth commit LITERAL mayhem!!

I'm embarrassed at those of you who thought this was funny even more than I'm embarrassed at the OP for thinking "mid-evil" was so hilarious he had to use it twice.

renfaire introducing leather culture to the masses...

but brooms are a better seller. . . though the corn variety wouldn't get it's start until 1600s and wouldn't move into mass supply until the 1800s. Still, they're good sellers. . . and you can play Stevie Nicks and be on theme all day at your booth.

OP, what was the sexual part of your story?

And, I would suggest that you should inflict pain on yourself if you should ever again type out the word "mid-evil."

[quote]I was genuinely freaked out and drove to Dylan’s house to tell him what transpired over a cold beer.

Did he write a protest song about it?

[quote]Dylan said he was watching a ballgame and really didn’t want to go out in the heat.

Who can blame him at his advanced age?

R85 is a dried up twig on his family tree

[quote]Dylan wanted to beat his ass.

Well, Bob did a lot of boxing back in the day, but is he really spry enough still to be threatening people?

Dylan was my boyfriend!!!!!! He’s 32!!!!

You know which Dylan was hot hot hot at age 32?

Jakob Dylan was gorgeous 😍.

Young Bob Dylan and young Donovan slash fiction.

Followed by young Jakob Dylan and young Donovan Jerome Leitch slash fiction.

R7 Perhaps OP meant it was “mid-evil” on the Evility Scale?

Op did Jakob Dylan comfort you after this aggression? Is that the sexual part of the story?

Did he try to sodomize you with one of those ridiculously large turkey legs?

Were swords and mead involved?

R98, Jakob or the leering puppeteer?

[quote]Op did Jakob Dylan comfort you after this aggression? Is that the sexual part of the story?

Well, I certainly hope not, with boyfriend Dylan back at the Faire beating up a puppet to defend OP's honor.

Twould be a rank betrayal!

Leering Puppeteer is opening for my band this Saturday.

Leering Puppeteer is opening for my band this Saturday.

Fie, fie, you counterfeit. You puppet, you!

Maybe Jakob, the puppet and the puppeteer ran a train on op

Pics, please!

Assaults are more numerous these days. This was a real creep and the op was really nearly assaulted. It’s too bad this creep didn’t get the crap beat out of him.

It only matters if they cum a lot.

Puppet Assault! The Silent Shame!

r106

Does this bring back steamy memories op?

Literally, when did the bareback kilt sex happen?

Wait, was Jakob wearing a kilt or are we still talking about the leering puppeteer?

Hope he has followed you home and is stalking your ass. Let us know what happens next.

I was just thinking about that traumatizing event. It’s funny how stuff stays with you years after it happened.

Joyce Carol Oates would’ve done this better.

I’ll have to show you me wee wee

Traumatic experiences like these scar our minds and souls for decades

I wash onsh shexshually ashaulted at a Renaisshansh feshtival.

R115 OP do you fantasize about that horrible traumatic incident? You might want to take a healing cruise with Bill Taylor to share and exchange unthinkable cases of assault that you've both suffered.

OP next tell us about your ComicCon experiences.

Omg I’ve got to get out of East Hampton.

I hate fashion designers.

Nothing about this is sexual assault yes or did I miss the part where OP was made a hand puppet?

I'm so glad to see this thread again. It brings back fond memories of Jakob brandishing a turkey leg suggestively. Oh, wait- was it actually the puppeteer who did that?

I was just reading on a city sub Reddit just how disgruntled the actors, vendors, volunteers, etc are with this specific faire. After reading some truly horrible manager stories (and lived them) it is no wonder I was nearly raped by a seedy character several yrs ago. I know one thing for sure. I will never, ever return to that faire again.

Btw mid-evil was the exact spelling for my description of that faire. NOT medieval.

Thank you, OP/r127. It was keeping me up at night!

How is your ass fairing?

What kind of weird question to ask.

r129, Not really...it was a common medieval greeting.

THIS thread again.....yippee...I always enjoy the Wattpad experiences dreamed up the DL collective. Perhaps publish an Amazon Kindle and make some money next time honey (I hear smut books are HUGE!).

Run! Run for my life is what I did!

This is why you bring a dog whistle.

He doth protest to much…

Sir, this is an Arby's.

Trust me I keep a rape whistle inside my car

Thanks OP. I haven't laughed so much in about a week or two. I give this a 6 to 7 but strongly encourage you to expand it and give it a rewrite. It's got a 10 written all over it!

Did I miss the appearance of the Puny Cocklet?

Some of those Renaissance faire people are very strange.

They’re also sometimes extremely horny, unfortunately

You have to be careful with those medieval reenactment freaks.

Some of them are avid occultists. Dark sided soul sucking demonic assholes of misery.

Who the fuck is Dylan? Am I supposed to know him?

He was my then boyfriend

There is a strange intersection in the Venn diagram of drama geeks, medieval reenactors and goth kids that Renaissance fairs inhabit.

Some of the guys can be very hot, if you’ll agree to role-play with them. I wouldn’t mind playing Maid Marion to this creamy, vascular Lancashire? Yorkshire? Robin Hood.

A bunch of weird asses

The I just hate being around weird people. They make me feel uncomfortable

I got fingered sneaking into Michfest once.

I had some bad hemorrhoids at the time and she just assumed....

update: my ass is faring very well.

There's a hot piece of ass who does the swinging dragon ride at my ren faire (it's a boat shaped like a dragon hanging by ropes). The dude is ripped as shit with long, flowing hair and lightly coated chest fur. He can take me behind the puppet stand any time he wants!