Value/abundance & intimacy/acceptance

Step 1. Don't ask for diagnoses or treatment on a website habituated by whack-doodle trolls.

Who else isn’t gonna read this?

What the fuck is "Value/abundance".

OP I'm sorry you're a mess. Do you have to use self help or can you access a professional?

Get a BFE whore. 350 an hours and you get to get off. You don't get off with a therapist.

R4 BFE? What does that mean?

R3 maybe I should have been clearer and written a more succinct title. What I mean is, ‘how does one overcome a fear of intimacy/rejection that stems from problems with psychological concepts and estimations of worth/value and a lack mentality’.

And yes, self-help is the only option for me at this time. Figured I’d ask DL, because after years posting here, I know the user base tend to be experienced older people (sometimes even with wisdom) with intimacy problems, who are likely to have come up against this emotional block before.

Put on your brightest caftan and weep in a silk hanky dipped in Chanel n.5. Binge watch "Tales of the City" & drink a box of wine.

R7 hardly. It’s the DL aesthetes who sagely taught me that Chanel reeks like catpiss and that only Cubefrauen wear it, and that boxed wine is for lessers. No matter how mixed-up, I shall never stoop to that level!

Please drink poison Op, no one likes you.

R5 that's boyfriend experience, dear.

R10 kind of shitty and dumb to just shack up with someone as a way to paper over past trauma, no? I wouldn’t want someone to start a relationship with me if they felt like that and had those emotional obstacles..

[quote] Get a BFE whore. 350 an hours and you get to get off. You don't get off with a therapist.

You've apparently never hear of the therapist and DL legend Bob Bergeron...

How could one be averse to money??? Are you reveling in poverty, OP? Oh, penniless life, what a joy sort of thing?

You're over thinking things. We ALL come from some sort of trauma. It doesn't sound like you were raped by your dad or anything that would affect you in some truly horrific way.

Don't lean into victimhood.

Further, unless you have a personality disorder? You CAN change the things you don't like about yourself. But waxing poetic, reading a million self help books, and using buzzworthy catchphrases won't get you there.

Action will. Behavioral action.

Start small. If it's intimacy your fear but want to overcome? Go on a date. Even if you hate every minute of it. Even if it's with someone who isn't perfect or just your type.

Then go on a second date. Kiss him if that presents itself. Change your direction.

Start there.

R13 sorry, not averse exactly—wrong word choice. More afraid and disgusted. Like of course I want financial abundance and security and few worries like anyone else. Whenever I deal with finances, though—and whenever I deal with sex or social matters—I become avoidant and reluctant to take risk, pathologically so, because my early memories have tarred the experience of money/sex/connections.

R14 thank you for the sensible comment and advice, that’s the kind of thing I need to discuss.

[quote] Start small. If it's intimacy your fear but want to overcome? Go on a date. Even if you hate every minute of it. Even if it's with someone who isn't perfect or just your type.

You know, I attempted this dating gambit in the several months pre-COVID’s first hit, and it was a disaster. I went out with a dozen people (mostly men, and most of whom were interested in me), and I didn’t click with any of them, or deeply enjoy a minute with them. Was bored and lowkey irritated the entire time. It was just “meh”. I wasn’t deeply depressed or anxious at the time, not as badly as I have been in the past, but I was in abusive (financially, verbally and emotionally) working and home environments then, so I’m not sure if that tanked the experiment.

It was such a dud that I don’t feel like trying again, but I know I probably must. If I do, I’ll have to lie about my living/working/social circumstances because they are a turn-off frankly.

My mother has advised me to do the same experiment with the stock market to get over my financial blocks—just flutter £100 with different shares and play with the system. Idk if that’s a healthy approach, though? :/

Psychiatric diagnostic evaluations: OP is financially inadequate, professionally indolent, intellectually challenged, physically unappealing, and mentally unstable.

Please don't blame it on your father.

R17 ffs man! If you read my OP carefully, you’d see that I attribute the root of the issues I’m having to the issues my father’s family went through when I was little, and to the way it affected him (and thus affected me). Note I didn’t say that my dad singlehandedly did this to me on purpose, because that would be mad. All I meant is that he had a small part in a big complex, and I acknowledge that is on me to solve.

And yeah, I’ll cop to being broke, a bit of a spinner and homely (fugly and stupid is pushing it, though—I have a degree, and I get offers to date). And it’s clear I have some emotional problems, you’re not clever for pointing that out. But I’m working on it. YMMV on the rest of it.

DBT teaches wonderful life skills. You can get a workbook from your local library and get started on your own

R19 maybe this is incorrect (feel free to correct) but isn’t DBT designed to treat more extreme or chaotic cases of borderline?

Therapists I’ve spoken to in the past have expressed scepticism toward Linehan and his systems when it comes to treating depressed or avoidant patients.

[quote]maybe I should have been clearer and written a more succinct title. What I mean is, ‘how does one overcome a fear of intimacy/rejection that stems from problems with psychological concepts and estimations of worth/value and a lack mentality’.

I'm not sure you cleared the bar with the rewrite.

Now that I've put the boot in for fun, try this... it's been of value to me in changing my thinking about everything. It's gradual, which as in losing weight is the best way to do anything. It takes an average 66 days for a habit to become a reflex, so try hard and be patient. If you can't afford a therapist, you'll have to rely on your own devices. This has helped me considerably. One simple idea from it, every time you're thinking about negative things the first question to ask yourself is "what is this feeling doing for me?" The answer will be not much. And you are able to put aside the drain of the feeling and analyse it from a perspective of what elements, if any, you control and what to do, if anything, about what you do control. I personally think you can see the roots of cognitive behavioural therapy in the philosophy and I've always much believed in that. Sitting around with a shrink wanking to feelings porn can get unproductive after a certain point.

The author has a whole website... he's plainly making it his career and it's for you to decide if there's value in the site for you or not... the book is what I am talking about. It's five to ten minutes a day.

[quote]maybe I should have been clearer and written a more succinct title. What I mean is, ‘how does one overcome a fear of intimacy/rejection that stems from problems with psychological concepts and estimations of worth/value and a lack mentality’.

And what a succinct title that would have been.

[quote] Best guess is because my poor family-of-origin estranged from me in childhood over a will dispute, and I was emotionally-rejected by my (present) father and peers in youth. It’s left me feeling averse to money, sex, and success. How do I overcome this using self-help? Some say awareness is enough to change and move the block, but I still feel unable (too fearful?) to change. It overwhelms me.

Appreciate yourself, appreciate all kinds of abundance in your life. If any particular type of abundance troubles you (like, money, sex, and success), leave them for now and focus on the kind of abundance that feels good to you. That can be an abundance of time to do whatever you want. Or countless means of entertainment (favorite show, game, music, etc.), ways to occupy yourself with doing chores, hobbies (or starting a new hobby like drawing, remodeling, scrapbooking, etc.). If you feel more appreciative, you will be able to tackle your issues, because you will see them from a different, perspective.

Money: Look for philanthropists who use their money and influence in a way you approve of. Look for things you would like to do if you had money. Appreciate daydreaming about having money and spending it in a nice and good way. No more negativity about not having money and demonizing those who have money in order to make you feel somehow good for not having money. Appreciate reading about or looking at luxury items (appreciate the work and craftsmanship, appreciate people getting paid for creating something so exquisite). Appreciate entrepreneurs who come up with crazy ideas and making money with them. Appreciate the trade of material goods.

Sex: Appreciate intimacy. Appreciate the other person, appreciate finding out more about the other person (what makes him or her tick, what does he or she like?). Appreciate the fact that someone likes you enough to see you naked without laughing or barfing.

Success: Move away from the "success vs. failure / winning vs. losing" mentality. Appreciate opportunities for personal growth. You can learn as much from so-called failure as you can from success. You deserve success and more importantly, you deserve success on your terms without having to cheat or screw somebody over. Trust that you can pick the challenges and opportunities that will provide the best personal learning experiences. Again, the goal isn't success or winning, it's about learning more about yourself, your capabilities, your physical or mental strength.