Let's be an episode of The Barefoot Contessa

I'm Beano, and I save lives.

No show about food or cooking should have a word barefoot in the title.

I'm the "good" olive oil, the "good" salt, the "good" wine, and the "good" produce.

*FART!*

I’m the only XXXL denim shirt she owns.

I'm "kicking it up a notch" aka adding 1/4 teaspoon of red chili flakes to my marinara sauce.

I'm the pointless 10-second shot of hand washing after handling meat so Food Network doesn't get complaints.

I'm the effortless good humor that is envied by my detractors.

I'm the Sauvignon Blanc in her coffee cup.

I'm the drawer that holds an assortment of wax paper, parchment and brown butcher paper and a spool of good cooking twine. I'm carefully folded to wrap things just so for picnics and evening lobster roasts on the beach.

I'm [italic]really good[/italic] vanilla.

R10 Love the sigh. Spot on.

I’m Jeffrey’s gay-face.

I'm the twink waiting for Jeffrey in a Manhattan hotel room.

I'm watching "The Barefoot Contessa" on Food Network, while I'm waiting.

I’m “turning up the volume”!

I'm the friends like Barbara Liberman with whom she would later have big fights with and never be heard from again.

I'm the walnuts from a friends home upstate. I'm added to the salad for just a bit of crunch.

R16 here. Actually, I take that back. It's Giada that is forever talking about crunch.

I'm the obligatory gay friend who is sucking up to Ina so I'll be invited to her next big dinner.

I'm the snide remark about people who buy cheap coffee and are then surprised that their coffee comes out shitty.

I'm Jeffrey. Who knows what the fuck I do all day, besides eat Ina's cooking.

[quote] I'm Jeffrey. Who knows what the fuck I do all day, besides eat Ina's cooking.

Jeffrey E. Garten (born October 29, 1946) is an American economist and academic who is Dean Emeritus at the Yale School of Management, where he teaches a variety of courses on the global economy.[1] He is married to author and Food Network personality, Ina Garten.

From 1996–2005 he was the dean of the school, and from 2005 to 2015 he was the Juan Trippe Professor in international trade, finance, and business.

Before that, he was Undersecretary of Commerce for International Trade in the Clinton administration from 1993 to 1995. Previously he worked on Wall Street as managing director at the Blackstone Group and Lehman Brothers.

He is the author of six books on the global political economy and numerous articles in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Financial Times, Newsweek, Foreign Affairs, and Harvard Business Review. From 1997–2005 he wrote a monthly column in Business Week.

Garten sits on the board of directors for Credit Suisse Asset Management (which includes a number of mutual funds), and he is a trustee of The International Rescue Committee.[6] Previously, he was a director of Aetna, CarMax, Inc., Standard & Poor's ("the Board of Managers"), Calpine Energy Corporation, Alcan Inc., and The Conference Board, and he served on the international advisory boards of Toyota and the Chicago Climate Exchange.[1][7][8]

Jeffrey E. Garten is dean emeritus at the Yale School of Management, where he teaches courses on the global economy and crisis management.

Jeffrey’s courses have all cut across several academic disciplines, focused on global challenges, and involved a substantial number of high-level business and not-for-profit executives as well as senior public officials. These courses have attracted graduate students from throughout the university including the schools of management, law, forestry and environmental studies, public health and various programs on international relations. Past courses have included titles such as “Leading a Global Company” and “Wall Street and Washington: Markets, Policy and Politics.” Current courses include “The Future of Global Finance,” “Managing Global Catastrophes, ” and “America’s Future Role in the Global Economy.” He has conducted numerous independent study courses to develop case studies ranging from epidemics such as SARS, to earthquakes such as the Haiti catastrophe, to environmental disasters such as the BP oil spill, to financial collapses such as the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers. He has taken students to Singapore to study that country’s governance system; to New York, London, Dubai and Hong Kong to better understand how global financial centers work; and to Shanghai, Beijing and Hong Kong to examine China’s role in global capital markets.

I'm the completely unnecessary 4th stick of butter!

I'm the upcoming wedding anniversary. Jeffrey will be "surprised" yet again by a special meal, which will not only take the couple on a trip down memory lane, but also bolster their sexless relationship for another year.

I’m the meal Ina wolfs down off camera before all of her guests arrive, then proceeding to stuff her face again like she hasn’t eaten yet.

I’m the dated salsa music.

I'm the children which doesn't exist in her show or her life.

I'm the errand Jeffrey will do on his way home, picking up 8 bottles of a [bold]really[/bold] good French white, some jars of those really special preserved lemons from Marbella from Sabor a Limon, oh, and look, he's surprised me with two dozen boxes of lemon squares to wolf down when the cameras are changing.

I’m Ina’s fupa.

I’m the poisonous amounts of salt she adds to everything. Has she fallen out with TR? He always made me feel a bit sick, he was so up himself.

I’m the olive oil in the pasta water, wondering what I’m doing here.

I’m her pitcher of killer Cosmos being slurped down in record time.

I'm the ghost of Anna Pump floating at ceiling level and tossing out the occasional "du blöde Fotze!!" as she passes off another one of my recipes as her own.

I’m Ina’s arteries. We’re so clogged from all that good butter, good bacon, and good cake that we will be pulling a Paula Deen on Ina soon. Hehehe….

I'm the, "How bad can that be," after adding a pint of heavy cream to the truffled mac and cheese.

I’m the episode where Ina is too lazy to cook, so she demonstrates how to make a cheeseboard (hint: you lay cheese and crackers on a plate.)

I am cilantro and the bitch hates me.

Millie's muffin.

I'm the smell of a fart in the room, that everyone pretends not to notice.

...................................

I am the little pig toes sticking out of the water from the kankles during the only sex scene the Food Network let me throw in to spice up the channel.

I'm the now dead child who was ignored by Ina.

You'll never see me on the show, but I know you're familiar with my work. I am Omar the Shentmaker.

I'm Ina's unpaid intern who is buying a house in the Hamptons so all my friends have a place to eat, and I need Ina's help with the housewarming menu.

Haha R44. I saw that episode.

And I was wondering the same thing.

How was that "intern" able to afford a new home in the fucking Hamptons?

She was fairly young, too.

R45: Maybe she was very frugal and planned wisely with her (unpaid) salary!

People are so critical of those who take a little initiative and try to raise their station in life. Really, it's laziness that keeps other unpaid interns from buying a nice place in the Hamptons.

I’m the gastritis of the bowels escaping from her smelly fat ass.

I'm Michael the eldergay florist who checked every boxes of gay stereotypes.

I like "penis" flower too just like Ina.

I'm the sexy slab of beef Joe Realmuto from Townline BBQ making a guest appearance.

I'm the Hellman's mayo and Heinz ketchup with the labels not facing the camera and being passed off as imported, high-shelf condiments.

I’m Barbara Lieberman or Dylan Lauren, Hamptons socialites and social x-rays. We have to take a bite out of whatever Ina has cooked for us knowing it’s 800 calories which is more then we usually consume in a whole day. We’ll purge, of course.

But damn that truffle butter pasta is yum.

I'm a viewer who, whenever the show is on, observes to their viewing companion, "You know she used to work for the CIA or something?"

Pretty sure Jeffrey is an active agent

[quote] Pretty sure Jeffrey is an active agent

Infiltrating the gay community to obtain information on how gay men react to dumpy tv cooks who perpetuate the 1990s frau culture?

I think Jeffery comes pre-infiltrated.

I'm the invitation to one of Ina's televised dinners telling me to arrive early for hair and make up and to follow a strict "preppy casual" dress code.

I'm Ina's plum or navy blue button down shirt.

[quote] I think Jeffery comes pre-infiltrated.

He comes pre-lubed.

[quote] At least one male guest must wear a sweater over shoulders and tied at the neck

Which is a look that went out in the 1980s.

I'm the serving for six at a dinner party, despite Ina making enough for a small army

I'm the painfully awkward pre-taped segments with local shop owners.

Where did the Ina "fart" joke come from?

A hater? Jealous rival?

I'm the rent-a-crowd dinner party guests, attempting to convince viewers that Ina has friends IRL

I’m Ina’s birth name, Essa.

Hence, ‘The Barefoot Cunt, Essa’.

R33 du verspielst deine Zeit!

I'm the Le Creuset that used to be color-coordinated for the set, but now am just a basic Meringue. Even though Ina swears by traditional Flame, as we all do.

I'm the conspicuous lack of kids before the Make a Wish debacle. Then, I'm the kids they tried to integrate occasionally and Ina's incredibly awkward attempts at liking them.

This whole Make-a-Wish scandal is such bullshit on their part, and it's a perfect example of bullying by nonprofit executives.

Other celebrities have told stories of being ambushed by MaW mere hours or days before a kid is brought before them for an experience. The celebrity in question might be busy, or on vacation, or doing something not worthy of a child's visit. But if they say no to Make-a-Wish, then they're suddenly the bad guy. It's emotional blackmail, and as we see in Ina's case, the MaW people are total pricks when they don't get their way. They didn't quietly back away from Ina. They viciously and repeatedly slammed her publicly, and caused her a great deal of distress and public shaming, all because they ambushed her with a sick kid when she was in no mood/position to work with him.

No one is entitled to your time. It doesn't matter how sick they are, how cute they are, or how much they plead. Your time and life are your own, and if a refusal from you sends them into a vengeful fury, then you'll know you're in the right and they're not worth your time anyway.

[quote] Then, I'm the kids they tried to integrate occasionally and Ina's incredibly awkward attempts at liking them.

Ina is great with kids. She knows what kinds of candy kids love -- Good & Plenty licorice, Necco wafers and Jordan almonds. Every child's favorites!

[quote]Where did the Ina "fart" joke come from?

It came from Ina's rear end, of course.

Her "nor'easters" on Burrito Night are well known in the Hamptons.

R70

Good food. Good friends. Good farts.

What more could anyone want in life?

I’m not anything, but I just wanted to say that I was watching the Iris Apfel documentary and was struck by some parallels between the Apfels and the Gartens. And a few other older childless Jewish couples I know in NYC of roughly the same generation. Quiet husband who is happy to indulge his wife in her fabulous pursuit while remaining in the background DL. Very benign and cultured people, married per expectations. I wonder if there are/will be similar couples in the future. Jews tend to be gay-friendly, but maybe not all.

^Jewish husbands have a reputation for spoiling their wives. The ones I've known have been very attentive, respectful and loving.

“N-N-N-N-N-N N-N-N N-N-N”

I’m the single tablespoon of an expensive and obscure liquor that won’t otherwise be consumed. You could skip me, but everyone knows the recipe will be a dismal failure.

I’m the insane amount of citrus zest and juice hat Ina puts in her recipes. Fuck your reflux, LOVE ME.

I’m marcona almonds!

[quote] Where did the Ina "fart" joke come from?

Several years ago, a YouTube poster had a segment of one of Ina’s shows. In the segment, Ina bends down to open an oven door. Just as she does, there is a small squeak “supposedly” from the oven door. The person who posted it originally titled it “Ina Garten Farts.” And as they do in humorous videos looped the “fart” about three times. It has since been removed (or gone private) no doubt because one of Ina’s hangers on reported it.

R68, Ina, how lovely of you to join us. Did you find us by googling your name or because you like to keep up with all your gay male friends?

I'm that great shop on the main street in the Hamptons where she goes to buy spefial cheeses and sausages and olives and shit like that.

When they aren't filming her, the street outside me is lined with BMWs, Jags, Mercedes', Porsches, Corvettes, and Teslas.

Oh, once in a while I spy the odd Volvo.

I'm in the Hamptoms. Eat your heart out.

I'm an Opera cake. She ouldn't turn out a first rate me if her life depended upon it.

Because she can't do top tier pastry.

Just ask my friends here, the profiteroles, and the napoleons.

Lmao I hate you bitches, making me laugh through my lunch break.

Inafarts farts farts!!!! Ugh.

R69, I love how she chose the Jordan almonds simply because they looked good with the Good and Plenty.

We're the cookies that ruined Christmas for Skilled Baker.

I hate that cunt.

I’m the farts Ina cannot hold in. They stink!

Put your shoes on, what are you, some kind of Hippie or something?

[quote] Ina is great with kids. She knows what kinds of candy kids love -- Good & Plenty licorice, Necco wafers and Jordan almonds. Every child's favorites!

What about the 90% dark chocolate?

[quote] What about the 90% dark chocolate?

We don’t mention Jeffrey’s boyfriends on this thread.

How come nobody ever mentions that Ina is an old lady’s name?

she’s a boomer Jewess from Brooklyn, of course she has an old lady name.

Ina was a nuclear policy analyst for Clinton in the 90s. Interesting that she walked from that career position to owning and running a high end food shop and spinning that off into a whole brand. And now, television. She's very successful for someone who talks about not wanting it.

I am T.R. Pescod, the slightly elder gay male model who couldn't boil water if my life depended on it. I loved pretending to be Ina's best gay friend. I considered her my very own fag hag asking her to cook for my parties. Unfortunately she got PISSED when I tired use her name to further her career without per permission. That bitch ghosted me!

^^ I tired use her name to further MY career without per permission.

Does her pussy stink? Or just her farts?

T.R. could have been a very good host judging from the fact that both Food Network and HGTV essentially will put anyone off the streets on their networks. He was smooth and professional and they certainly could have come up with some kind of show for him. He began as a summer employee when he was a teenager at Ina's Barefoot Contessa so he should know something about food and cooking.

Yeah, I wish I had the real dirt on T.R, Ina break up.

Ina has broken up with almost every "friend" she's ever had on the show so there's a lot of dirt to go around.

r93 She may have worked for Clinton in the 90s but her store was open in the Hamptons on the 90s. I stayed there in the summer of 86 or 87 and used to go there a lot.

Here is the shent originstory in case anyone is wondering or would like to be Ina for Halloween. (If we get to have parties and parades this year.) The original shent was an Eileen Fisher shirt. She liked it so much she now has them made.

I’m the good quality coffee lick-or that we all know is Kahlua.

I’m the special needs child that she dissed.

I always liked Michael the florist. He was a nice old school poof. A dying breed.

[quote]He was a nice old school poof. A dying breed.

Tell me about it. These days, if you're not cunting you're not living.

I’m the kitchen floor. My structural integrity is compromised each time Ina takes a step.

Does this saggy titted cunt dutch oven Jeffrey?

R93 It was actually for Presidents Ford and Carter.

She old.

[quote] I hate that cunt.

OMG hi T.R./r86!!

I'm her insufferable smugness sometimes disguised as giddy awkwardness. No fear, it's just a disguise.

I’m the original Barefoot Contessa commercial catering recipes that Ina took and altered a bit so as to market her brand to the nation’s home cooks. Would you like a caprese salad kebab? How about a stacked chicken salad tower? Perhaps some flourless DARK chocolate cake for dessert?

I’m the single-serving frozen Weight Watchers meals that fill the freezers and dominate the diets of most of the jealous cunts in this thread.

[quote] I’m the good quality coffee lick-or that we all know is Kahlua.

Maybe you're joking, but it's liqueur.

I'm the sagging, creaking springs and suspension of Ina's BMW convertible.

I’m the tablespoon of [italic]good[/italic] instant coffee added to the chocolate ganache.

Did Ina steal her recipes from a White House chef?

If removing the cooking water from your penne fills you with class anxiety, store-bought is fine.

Tubby Bitch never so much as even offered me a stale cracker, but begged for my recipe for Stone Soup when she wanted to lose a few pounds.

I’m the clink of Ina’s measuring spoons on the granite counter.

Why do you all hate Ina so much?

You're all so mean.

How do you know we're not all Make-a-Wish kids?

Cuz she’s a douche. And she farts constantly. And she stinks.

They’re jealous r119. Ina is the Martha Stewart to the average DL’ers Rachael Ray.

Jeffrey accidentally sexted (almost) another woman, according to Ina.

[quote] "He texts me all the time," Garten said. "We had this funny thing. He sent me a text but unfortunately it went to someone he knew in California. It wasn't a sext but it was close," Garten told Couric, both of whom erupted in laughter.

Yes, it was a woman, purportedly.

[quote] "So she, a little jealous I think, showed it to her husband and said, 'Look at the text that Jeffrey sends to his wife.' And he goes, 'Oh nobody sends those texts to their wives. That was for his girlfriend but he was embarrassed to tell you that,'" Garten laughed. "Isn't that great?"

Great story, Ina! Ha-ha!

Oh god there is SO much to play with from r123 I'm just too fucking lazy and my satirical muse is on vacation.

I'm the eggshells that get thrown into the sink out of frame. One of the assistants will deal with me later.

R70 - The Hamptons have a Burrito Night?!

Well, r126, they *used* to...

I'm Martha smokin a joint, watching the show and talkin shit:

Bitch est si désordonné

[quote]Ina is the Martha Stewart to the average DL’ers Rachael Ray.

Actually Martha had a place down the street from her. They both got in a bitch fight, when Martha had her limo do a turnaround in front of Ina's gated house. Go figure.

I hope Ina tucks her landscapers safely inside the gate when Martha is road-raging.

Who shit in your adowable blanket, R68??

Can we stop with the Make a Wish jokes? You have ground the humor out of it at this point. 30 fucking post about it, who the fuck cares about someone's rotting crotch fruit? Plenty of other content to rip her on.

r132 Why don't YOU come up with something YOU think is witty other than bitching about what you don't.

I have, found the very, very rare Ina in a Tub video. It only aired once before they yanked it.

I’m the popped collar and colorful scarf used to hide neck wattle.

Is she barefoot because of swollen feet and cankles?

I’m the offscreen husband always referenced who funds the whole shebang

I’m the highest-rated episode ever - the one where Jeffrey is arrested for tax evasion just as the consommé is being served.

I'm lipstick having a hearty laugh when I hear Ina ask Jeffrey "Is that cum on your collar?"

I’m FNART. The N is from gas getting trapped on a chunk of Niman Ranch ham lodged in the colon.

I’m the goyische pretense.

I'm a $7 conventional sized Snickers bar - BITCH, PLEASE!

I'm the wedding photos that Ina regularly pulls out to prove how handsome Jeffrey once was and how much more elegant she always was than the peasants who watch her show.

I'm the [italic]good[/italic] arsenic in that ungrateful asshole Jeffrey's chocolate souffle.

FNART!!!!

FNART!!!!

FNART!!!!

Are you all dead yet?

I'm the nervous laughter.

R100 what was Barefoot Contessa like? I remember someone posted here a while back that it was ridiculously expensive and they sold small bags of candy for like $20.

FNAARRRRRRTTTT!!!!

Ima Farten Ima Farten Ima Farten

Jeffrey, clean up in aisle ten!

Ina made a "mess" again.

I'm the $15 a box baking mixes.

I just blocked the fart troll. I can't believe anyone over the age of 7 thinks that's funny. What a cry for attention.

I’m “oh isn’t that interesting” when a professional chef guest stars and demos a technique that is the direct opposite of what Ina preaches on her show.

r147, I know they typically took stock Ghirardelli chocolate bars and rapped them with gold twine and sold them for 16.00, these were stock candy bars that you would get at any basic grocery store for less that 2.00.

I'm "How easy is that?"

I'm the shoddily simulated interest in the reader questions during the "Ask Ina" segment.

I'm Ina's favorite holiday story - when her friend accidentally set her oven to clean after popping in a turkey.

r147 I don't recall the prices being that far out of line with what you would have paid at Dean and DeLuca.

I’m the east end potato field used as an establishing shot for a segment on pommes dauphinoise.

[quote]I’m the dated salsa music.

Extended version

R161 it would have been more fun if there were fart noises sprinkled throughout the song.

Jeffrey just loves it when I dutch oven him.

I'm the eldergay couple in coral-colored sweaters who are just coming back from "a long trip overseas." Don't ask where we really were, or why one of us has an ankle monitor under his wool sock.

Ina is making us a surprise dinner of butterfat and starches, which is okay with us because our sex life is as dead as the poodle we just returned from cremating.

Bump!

Where did all the fart jokes come from regarding Ina?

[quote] Where did all the fart jokes come from regarding Ina?

Read r78

I’m the single hoarse, raspy, guttural sob Ina let out after her final miscarriage.

I just googled "Ina Garten Farts" and the first search result is DL 🤣

I'm the leftovers on taping day. What leftovers? Riiiiiight! 😉

I'm her GIANT ASS refrigerator that needs a nuclear reactor to run.

Jesus Christ. How loaded is this chick? That thing is like a stainless steel version of the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

[quote] I'm her GIANT ASS refrigerator that needs a nuclear reactor to run.

And I'm her GIANT ASS!

That's not Ina's fridge, it's on the set of Today.

r174 Killjoy.

I am the fancy yet practical salt and pepper grinders she's used since the '70s.

I'm the amazingly haggard appearance Ina's been sporting on her newest show. Barefoot Contessa is like a Magic Mirror compared to Be My Guest.

I'm the freshly ground pepper she puts in a white ramekin and then spoons it into the dish.

R15 who is this barbara Liberman person and what was the fight?

I’m Ina’s bra. I’ve never left the drawer.

I’m just happy she’s not the bare breasted contessa.

R179, it was discussed on DL. In doing a google search, it is interesting that Ina continually refers to Barbara as her best friend up til about 2018 after which she's never talked about again.

[quote] who is this barbara Liberman person

She's a nasty cunt who shall never be spoken of again!

At least on my show.

Aren’t there health code violations with her running around barefoot, is that really allowed? What do her restaurants usually get rated?

Do people actually buy imitation vanilla? That's so gross.

R185 I know right! Madagascar has like one main export and otherwise the economy will completely collapse and all the lemurs will die, so buy real vanilla and support the lemurs.

Dontchu shildren worr *HICCUP!* worry one....BIT!...bout Mada....Mada.... MadaGAScar or dose lovee widdle wemurs.... I.BUY.NILLA!!!

ATK did several "blind" tests on vanilla extract and imitation Vanilla and found very slight variations on the taste but the biggest difference was cost. Ina might like really good vanilla but like many of her dishes, it's too pricey for many of us.

R188 Most people use vanilla extract sparingly. One small bottle should last you for several recipes at least.

I rub vanilla extract on my balls before a date, I'm lapped up voraciously.

I’m me, a REAL contessa.

Luann, you're divorced and selling cookbooks on QVC. Also, that title only barely exists in Europe, and has no standing in the United States.

You're basically as royal as Don King.

And you're a drunk Luann...a very sloppy one.

I wish Ina would talk more about her life in business - real estate, her store, her investment years, etc. - but I get the feeling she's one of those Boomer broads who pretends her past doesn't exist, and won't speak of it (especially if it's off-script for her).

As a cook, she mostly just recreates things that others have taught her. Eli Zabar could've had the same show, only with much uglier feet.

Shit, I'm buying the real thing, but thanks for the sarcasm.

[quote] I wish Ina would talk more about her life in business

Did she work for a natural gas company?

Oh, TR, don't hold a grudge against Ina. You will develop crows feet and it will ruin your modeling career.

Pro Tip: Grey hair on men can look sexy, but gay chest hair, not so much.

Has she been pregnant this whole time too?

I'm a box of Color Silk hair dye, medium brown. Ina buys me by the case.

I bet her favorite movie is Halloween III.

Ina’s titties sag.

[quote] Ina’s titties sag.

Jeffrey's titties sag, too.

[quote]I wish Ina would talk more about her life in business

And her sex life. Don't forget her sex life.

Which one of you bitches is this? Make yourself known!

[quote] The lessons I learned as I cooked through Garten's entire recipe repertoire have completely changed my outlook on life.

What about Ina's sex business?

That photo of her is horrifying, OP. She's got more than enough money to get that gross turkey-waddle fixed! I don't know why anyone who has the $$$ would go through life like that.

[quote]that gross turkey-waddle

Would you like to try that again?

How come headlines can scream "Matt LeBlanc smashing the scales at 300 pounds!" but they never say the same about Ina?

I call gender bias.

"Ina Garten crushes the marble floors at 600 lbs!!!"

r209 Now, now. Ina is certainly plump, and being rather short doesn't help, but she is only MAYBE on an excessive eclair intake day about 1/6th of a Metz.

I do agree she should get that wattle flensed off.

Im the pee that's comes out everytime she sneezes

Choire Sicha, quietly cunting in 2015:

[quote]Jeffrey always comes home from his business trips, and they are quite obviously one of those couples who cannot stop sneaking off to have sex.

Yes, quite obviously.