What's in Aunt Bea's purse?

Opie’s underwear

A few Milltown and some Rolaids...

a good monogramed handkerchief

a few sticks of Wrigley Spearmint gum

Some Midol and a couple of tampons...

"If Ramona Singer and Clara Edwards can pretend they're not past menopause, I can TOO!"

A dildo and some Vaseline.

The church bulletin, a better pickle recipe and a condom full of Otis’s semen.

He’ll see why soon enough.

Butterscotch candies wrapped in cellophane.

An vintage wand massager that takes 4 D batteries.

It’s Bee, OP!

Betty White’s Golden Girls dressing room key.

Three large containers of Chasen’s Extra Bean Chili.

Two boxes of Karen Carpenter’s XXl laxatives in mint and cherry favors.

A fresh pair of Hanes size medium men’s white briefs.

Her attorney’s home and office numbers….just in case.

Gomer's butt plug.

Mother's little helpers

Andy’s Colt 45. Bee Taylor is not a woman to be messed with.

A few hair and hat pins. Extra gloves. Lipstick. Two dollars and seventy-eight cents. Tissues. A few Nab crackers in case she gets light headed. 3 starlight peppermint candies. A beautiful tortoise shell comb a beau gave her when she was in her bloom.

Daphne and Skippy's phone number. She calls them when Helen Crump is being a bitch.

A KD Lang CD and a folded up flannel shirt.

A Goody powder

Family size bottle of ranch dressing

A stolen Deputy badge, a nail file shank, empty gum wrappers, a baggy with an old snapper sealed inside—to remind her of her spicy days. There’s Vaseline hidden in the secret compartment.

A baggie of assorted buttons.

Wasn’t she a crazed cat lady?

170-proof "tonic" that provides temporary relief from mid-life crisis. She bought it from a charming traveling dishonest huckster.

Crotchless bloomers and a retractable riding crop.

3 old TV Guides and condoms with pinholes

[QUOTE]a condom full of Otis’s semen

Dear Lord.

Depends on the day of the week and what’s for dinner.

Sunday, however, it’s kept empty until her usual bowel movement in her church pew. A lady never leaves her seat during the sermon.

Helen Crump's diaphragm, discovered while she was dusting Andy's room.

If that hussy thinks she can just waltz on in to this family, she can think again!

Black tar heroin and a full set of gear, even though she promised she would stop!

A heavily soiled blue bed jacket.

R12, that’s practically poetry. I’m not kidding.

A heart-shaped container with clippings of Clara Edwards’ pubic hair in it.

I never see Certs anymore. Did Altoids put them out of business?

New Drag Name: Dusty Tissues.

A small bottle of OJ's Beauty Lotion: ' the quick, and easy way...to beauty'., and sachet of Evening in Paris, peppermint life savers, a spare coin purse filled with 27 cents.

This tear-stained picture of her dance hall girl days over in Mt. Pilot...

[quote] "Wasn’t she a crazed cat lady?"

Francis Bavier was indeed a crazy cat lady, who had fourteen cats, and converted a large bathroom to a litterbox, several ihches deep (according to this video).

A coin pouch.

A taser.

A bottle of moonshine, the petty cash box from the jail.

Pickles in saran wrap. Something had to give her that sour looking puss.

The clipped recipes that she stole from Clara.

All of Clara's blue ribbons from the fair.

Rely tampons from the 1970s...

A pinch of coke, two Mandrax, a wire hanger, a hastily scribbled address in a bad part of town. Halston's private number. Oh, and a Polaroid taken on an airplane in 1967.

The dooirknob she stole from Aunt Clara!

Floyd's S&M sex tape.

A bus ticket to Mt. Airy, a thong, and some pasties.

I would bet she has those weird white or pink peppermint candies my grandmother used to carry.

A moon pie for when her blood sugar gets too low!

A portable tattoo kit. Her specialities include a US flag, outline of the state of North Carolina, the words “Born to be bad” and a cartoon Betty Boop.

Did you ever wonder how she could feed half of Mayberry on a sheriff’s salary? She earns extra money tattooing truckers and soldiers passing through Mount Pilot.

Verna behind the counter at Stuckeys lets Bee use cold storage once a week for 5% cut. Bee pockets a few pecan logs when Verna’s not looking.

A bottle of Floyd's hair tonic, except it's NOT hair tonic. (burp).

Jimmy Hoffa's remains.

A voodoo doll of Barney with her hatpin stabbed through the heart of it.

The other purse that fell out of Gomer's mouth.

Some pills that lady druggist gave her

to cure that stubborn yeast infection

Extra "uh-reg'-uh-nuh."*

*Mayberrian for "oregano," the popular secret herb in the ladies' wild Italian cooking. True.

A silver snuff box filled with coke for that occassional pick me up.

OP- I’m more interested in knowing what’s in her POCKETBOOK

FDS SPRAY

R56 - very true. My grandmother would have agreed.

R52- Wins the thread!

A fountain pen. A rubber change purse. Kleenex. A tiny folding paper fan. Four dollars and thirty-eight cents, which includes the Indian head penny she always carries with her for luck. Starlight mints. And Trojans, because a gal should always be prepared.

The wedding ring she cut off of Andy's dead wife's finger and a roll of Tums.

A few Bit-O-Honeys and a teaspoon of Coty Airspun face powder in a compact. And a Colt .38 special.

Business cards that the school nurse discreetly gives pregnant girls' that said:

B's Pest Removal

Clean. Quick. Judgmental. Cash Only. No Job Too Big.

Phone 426 (local) 8-11/1-3 M-F for an estimate.

$10,000 in counterfeit money she "accidentally" put there when she worked at the print shop.

The shreds of her dignity.

That's why it looks so light and empty.

[quote] The wedding ring she cut off of Andy's dead wife's finger

Joke’s on you. Andy never had a wife. He knocked up a stripper in Raleigh when he was at a Sheriff’s convention. She had the baby, named it Opie, dropped it on Andy and left town. That’s why in the whole entire series you never hear about Andy’s “wife” after the first episode. No pictures, no grave to visit, no remembrances because she didn’t exist.

A bus ticket to Raleigh

and the name of a certain bar frequented by women P.E. teachers and maiden aunts...

A small flask of Elderberry Kick-Ass

[quote]A bus ticket to Raleigh...and the name of a certain bar frequented by women P.E. teachers and maiden aunts...

If you're curious, the bar in question is called

"The Clit Cat Club"

Corn.

C. Howard’s Violet Candies

In her pocketbook she carries a satchel of sex toys she uses to pleasure herself late at night when the boys are fast asleep.

Opie's spare toupee.

The desiccated remains of Opie’s parasitic twin.

A pocket lesbian who could no longer fit into one of the side-openings of her outgrown housecoats.

A lock of hair. Old timey people used to do that. Keep a lock of someone’s hair.

A love note from Sam.

The last letter she received from her first true love who was killed in the War.

Rosie the Riveter?

Snacks??

Plastic rain bonnet, Mary Jane caramels, one of those naughty pens where when you turn it right-side-up the man's briefs disappear, an Agner leather cigarette case filled with a pack of Viceroys and a small orange Bic lighter, Madge Blake's soiled panties.

A small bottle of Bombay Saffire...

Her original driver’s license, from when she was Bob. That’s why her name is Aunt Bee. She was never a Beatrice.

A rolling pin to fight off Otis's drunken rape attempts.

Nails she shoplifted from Emmet's hardware store.

@r84, If it wasn't for Otis, Aunt Bee would have never gotten any

"What's in Aunt Bea's purse?"

Calling cards that say, "It's Aunt Bee, you douchenozzle"

Millie's muffin.

[quote]Madge Blake's soiled panties

Don't drag Aunt Harriet into this mess. Rita Shaw is fine, but leave Aunt Harriet alone.

In 1960 when the show started Francis was all of 58 years old - not sure how old the character Bee is supposed to be

During the first season of All In The Family Archie & Edith, as well as Carrol & Jean, were all 47 or 48.

^ People aged a lot faster back then. I'm not trying to be a smart-ass they really did. Once you were over 40 it was downhill all the way

Wrapped in wax paper, little meatballs full of rat poison to drop along the way for the "loose" dogs she loathes and despises.

The Today Sponge. For when she encounters a gentleman caller and he's Spongeworthy!

Poison pen letters for the mailbox, as usual.

Those are the mornings when she hums to herself as she walks.

A pink plastic comb, a ring that needs fixin', crumbs from this morning's cinnamon roll, and a letter from her family doctor inviting her to a pumpkin patch pickin'.

A perfectly folded picture of the infamous bosomy Marilyn Monroe naked layout.

a rag that smells like her one true love's anus...

^ Barney???

Slight used/Still somewhat fresh kitty litter

Did Aunt Bea's pussy stink?

A letter opener sharpened like a scalpel, 'cause she was on the verge of cutting a bitch.

Enrollment card in the Eastern Band of the Cherokee Nation located in North Carolina. Mixed blood status kept secret in those days of the racist South.

The silver "French Tickler" thimble that has made her the most popular gal at the Mayberry Baptist Sewing Circle for seven years running.

A small sack of mouse droppings from the garage that she sprinkles on Clara's kitchen floor to be "discovered" at a Ladies Lunch because Clara is serving her nasty coconut-prune whip again.

Remember when they did the Andy Griffith tv reunion movie and Andy and Ron went to her home to beg her to join them?

She wouldn't even come to the door.

Bitch was cold as ice.

[quote] She wouldn't even come to the door.

I don’t blame her. By the time the reunion came around, she was too old to do it. Then they show up, without calling, without bringing chocolates and flowers and expect her to put on her best dress and entertain them?

Or maybe they were too impatient and by the time she got her arthritic joints to the door, they were driving away and she was left wondering why they would knock on her door and then run away.

Ribbon candy

Giant black dildo.

Old crone got nothing on me.

A shiv.

A leg off of an old couch. It has a long screw on the end of it. She uses it to gouge people's faces.

pepper spray cannister filled with her urine....

A container of Kerosene...she's making a batch of pickles later.

"Did Aunt Bea's pussy stink?

Like Clara's 3-day old tuna fish casserole

Why did they call her Ain’t Bea?

After they brought those stank pickles up to Mt. Pilot to finally be tested, she was forever referred to as Aunt Pee

A ball gag

This.

... once this broke.

The remains of her hysterectomy in a mason jar

Howard Sprague's monogrammed hankie, one of Floyd the barber's combs, and a cassette of Clara Edwards playing Leaning on the Everlasting Arms on the church organ.

A pair of tickets to the spring Mayberry Gay Men's Chorus concert featuring Gomer Pyle singing Back Home in Indiana with Ernest T Bass on the jug.

An old butterscotch hard cardy that had come out of its wrapper and now had lint and shit stuck all over it.

A belt to tear Opie's little ass up if he gets out of line!

Extra lube for Gomer Pyle's hole in case he needs an emergency fuck and doesn't have time to run home and get his own.

A flask full of "Mama's Medicine".

A poison ☠️ blow dart

An actual authenticated shrunken head that she claimed was from the Amazon Rain Forest

[quote] Why did they call her Ain’t Bea?

Because she’s trans, and she ain’t Bee, she’s Bob

Food stamps, WIC vouchers, and welfare checks.

Bitch was working the system for millions while her nephew and his gay lover Barney protected her empire. She had a condo in Florida, a townhouse in New York, and a black man named Jerome in San Antonio for her pleasure.

An extra over the shoulder boulder holder in case the elastic pops from her carrying around them big assed titties all day!

Aunt Bea got around!

An 8 ball of black tar heroin

Her bowling shoes.

Brass knuckles. Mayberry isn't as safe as it used to be.

Ben Wa Balls and other assorted sex toys!

Floyd the barber’s stale semen in a cocktail napkin.

A crack pipe!

A flask of Night Train and a bunch of phone numbers taken from bathroom stalls

R12: She was never in bloom.

titty cream made from her mom's secret recipe.....opie needs lots of nursing.

A used pair of Depends washed up in a Hallmark store bag.

Swim cap and bathing suit. She’s training for an audition for a movie called The Poseidon Adventure. The role would later go to Shelley Winters.

Don Knotts said the reason he left the Griffith show was because Fran Bavier couldn’t stop masturbating. Every time the camera was shooting someone else’s coverage, Fran would start fingering herself, and Don found it distracting.

A gun. Of course there’s a gun in her purse.

I think it’s already been said that there’s a ghost gun with exploding bullets in her murderpurse