What is your favorite Dirty Joke, One Liner or Otherwise?

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's Finger.

A chicken and an egg are in bed. The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette. The egg says, “That answers that question.”

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagsputterchoke*

A pedophile and a little boy are walking through the woods at night. The boy says, “Mister, I’m scared.” The pedophile says, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.”

What did Michael Jackson and pimples have in common?

They both came all over your face at age twelve.

R4, I have tears rolling down my face. That one is hilarious!

Four homos are sitting in a hot tub, enjoying the bubbles. Suddenly, a big glob of semen bubbles up to the surface.

One of them turns to the other three and says “Okay, who farted?”

What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

Did you know 4 out of 5 people enjoy gang rape?

How can you tell a cheerleader needs a bath? When she does the splits and sticks to the ground.

A student goes to a whorehouse and says he wants to lose his virginity, but can’t afford a real hooker. The manager says “Okay, don’t worry. We have a discount solution if you’re interested. We keep a dead hooker in the walk-in just for this experience. Two bucks a throw. The kid agrees, and goes off to give it a try. Afterward, the manager asks how it went. The kid says “She was quiet and it was cold, and her nose kept running.”

The manager says “Ah, she’s probably full again!”

What do you call a blonde in a headstand?

A brunette with bad breath.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy 😜

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.

What do Michael Jackson an Walmart have in common?

Boys underwear, half off.

A man rushes to the emergency room and says "You called and said my wife was in an accident!" A doctor pulls him quietly aside and says "Yes, your wife's condition is very critical. She's going to survive, but her injuries were severe and permanent. Her face has been disfigured, and she's suffered brain damage rendering her permanently incontinent and vegetative. She's going to need round-the-clock care, and it's doubtful your insurance would cover that."

The man collapses in a shock, and the doctor says "Ah, I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead!"

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "No, not really."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Two missionaries get caught by a tribe of primitives. The chief says "You've been captured in our land. I'll give you your final choice: Death or Oog-goo." The first missionary says "Well, I'll take the Oog-Goo." The chief claps once, and all the men of the camp swarm the missionary, rip off his clothes, and start fucking him. They're fucking him all over the camp, for ten hours straight. Then they break, have a roast boar, and start fucking him again. Mouth and ass, two at a time, three at a time, whatever. There's cum everywhere. This went on for two days, in the ass and in the mouth, while the other missionary watches. At the end, the chief turns to the other missionary and says "Your turn. Death or Oog-Goo!" And the missionary, having seen this debauchery, says "Of course I'll take death!"

And the chief says "Death it is! But first: Oog-Goo!"

You have to tell these together:

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

Why did the pervert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.

Mom asked her son what he did at school today. The boy replies, "I had sex with my teacher."

Mom is very upset and, not knowing what to do, she tells him to go to his room. She says that his Dad will talk to him after he gets home. Later, Mom worriedly tells Dad what their son had done.

Dad goes to his son's room and asks him what happened at school. The son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." Dad says, "Don't tell Mom, but I'm proud of you, my studly son."

Then, with a big grin on his face, Dad asks his son if he'd like to ride his bike to the store to get some ice cream as a reward. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

A man sits at a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's a lot of booze, my friend. Did something memorable happen to you tonight?" The man answers, "Yes, my first blow job."

The bartender congratulates the man and offers the 11th shot on the house, but the drinker declines the offer. He says, "If ten whiskeys don't get rid of the taste, eleven probably won't either".

A teacher tells her young students, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words."

Billy speaks up and says, "I already know some multi-syllable words. My brother taught me them."

The teacher says, "All right, Billy, what is one multi-syllable word that your brother taught you?"

Billy replies, "Mas-tur-bate."

Taken aback, the teacher says, "Well, Billy, that's a pretty big word alright, quite a mouthful."

Billy replies, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of 'blowjob.'"

A man is walking along the beach, and sees a beautiful woman in a wheelchair on the pier, and she’s crying.

“Beautiful lady, why are you crying?” he asks.

“I’ve never been hugged,” she replies, so he gives her a nice hug, and then goes his way down the beach.

The next day, he sees the beautiful wheelchair woman again, still crying. “Why are crying today?”

“I’ve never been kissed,” she says through tears. The fellow leans in and gives her a long, passionate kiss, then continues his walk.

The next day, there she is again, crying. “What is it NOW?” he asks.

“Well, I’ve never been fucked.”

He leans in, scoops her out of the wheelchair, and throws her off the pier into the ocean.

“NOW you’re fucked!!!”

A kid can't hold it anymore on the way to school, so he shits in his hand. His classmates ask what he's holding and he says, "It's a magic elf, but I can't show you because you'll scare it".

They insist on seeing it, so he opens his hand and says: "See, you scared the shit out of it."

A woman goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some cyanide.

The pharmacist says, "That's poison! Why in the world would you need poison?"

"To kill my husband," she replies.

The pharmacist exclaims, "That's crazy! Why the hell would I help you murder your husband?"

The lady then shows him her phone. On it is a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

(a pick-up line)

Hey girl, what kind of flowers do you like? Just wanted to know what to put on the casket after I murder your pussy.

Before going on a nudist vacation with his wife, a man secretly has her name tattooed on his penis. At the nude beach, he shows it to her. She looks at it and asks, "Why does it say 'Wa'?" Proud of himself, he tells her it'll spell out "Wanda" when it's erect.

As the couple are walking along the nude beach, the husband notices a black guy with "Wa" tattooed on his penis as well; so, the husband asks the Black gentleman if he also has a wife or girlfriend named 'Wanda.'

The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica.'"

Knock, knock:

Who’s there?

An Ohno bird

What’s an Ohno bird?

It’s a bird with 6 inch balls and 4 inch legs and every time he’s going to land he screams “Oh no! Oh no!

I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he says to me, “Soph, you got no tits and a tight box.” I says to him, “Ernie? Get off my back.”

My boyfriend Ernie says to me the other day, “Soph, if you could learn to cook we could fire the chef.” I said, “If you could learn to fuck we could fire the chauffeur!”

It is sometimes claimed that having sex can burn off as many calories as running 8 miles! But, who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

A naughty nursery rhyme:

Horny Jack and Jill went up the hill, so eager Jack could lick Jill's 'candy'.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock,

when he found that Jill was really 'Randy.'

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

1) A very infirm, decrepit, senile, 95-year-old man walks up to a whorehouse, When the madam opens the door, he says, "I wanna get laid." She takes one look at him and says, "You wanna get laid, old man? Are you crazy? You've had it!" The man pauses for a moment in confusion and then says, "Oh. How much do I owe you."

2) A quadruple amputee somehow makes his way to a whorehouse. When the madam opens the door, he says, "I want some action." She looks at him and says, "Oh, really? How can you perform sexually with a woman?" And the man answers, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"

What’s the difference between a wife and a job?

A job still sucks after 10 years.

A farmer buys a young rooster, and at the farm, the rooster rushes in and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed and thinks, "This rooster sure is earning its' keep. We'll be rolling in eggs." Then, just a few hours later, the rooster again screws all 150 hens; and now the farmer is starting to get a bit worried for the health of his birds.

Later that evening, the farmer discovers the rooster fucking the ducks, the geese, and an old parrot, too. At this point, the farmer is really worried that the rooster will fuck the hens to death, so he puts the rooster in a field away from the hen-house.

The next morning, he finds the rooster lying on the ground, limp and apparently half-dead, with vultures circling overhead. The farmer shakes his head and says, "You stupid horny bird, you're fucked now!" The rooster opens one eye and whispers, "Shh! You'll scare the vultures off."

What does a West Virginia girl say when she loses her virginity?

***

***

Get off me, daddy, yer gonna crush m'cigarettes.

From the last Thanksgiving dinner my sister and I had with our parents before she got married and I went off to live my life--my sister's joke.

"How did the West Virginia mother know her daughter was having her period?"

"Her son's dick tasted funny."

(And I'm thinking--Nancy, Mom and Dad don't know what a dick is!)

How can you tell if a remodeled floor has been laid by lesbians?

It's all tongue-in-groove.

Superman was horny, so he flew to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available for a late night romp. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open.

Superman thought, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So he did the deed with super speed and stealthily departed in silence.

Back on the bed, Wonder Woman raised her head and asked, "Did you hear something?"

"No!" exclaimed the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

I'm still laughing at r4.

Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer. The cop approaches the priests’ vehicle and says to the driver, "Sorry to pull you over, father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters." The two priests look at each other, have a few quiet words, then the driver turns back to the cop. "Sure, officer,” he says. “We'll do it."

Leroy Jackson came home from elementary school one day in tears.

“What’s wrong, honey?” asked his mother.

“Today at the playground, all us boys compared our penises. I had the biggest one, so everyone started laughing at me! Is it because I’m black?”

“No, dear,” replied his mother. “It’s because you’re 23.”

Apparently this is vintage day on the DL joke thread, so here goes:

What time is it when the big hand touches the little hand?

Bed time at Michael Jackson's house

A guy comes home from work one day to find his wife packing a bag. He says, 'What ya doin?" She says, "I'm leaving you". He says, "why?" She says, "Because all the neighbors say that you're a pedophile". He says, 'Wow, mighty big word for a 12 year old".

This isn't a dirty joke, but I still like it. Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical were visiting a convent in Transylvania and realized they had to drive back to their own convent in another town pretty late, which was a problem because of all the vampires. They hadn't gotten very far, when "wham", here came a vampire latching right onto their windshield. Sister Mathematical got a little anxious, but Sister Logical said, "not to worry - I left a necklace of garlic cloves in the glove box". So Sister Mathematical reached in and pulled it out to show the vampire. The vampire hissed and groaned, but it stayed firmly attached. Sister Logical said, " no problem, I tool the precaution of filling the windshield wipers with holy water", so she pressed the windshield wiper button and sprayed the vampire, and it screeched and sparked, but stayed firmly attached. Sister Mathematical said, "This is terrible. You'd better show it your cross!!". So Sister Logical rolled down the window and said, "Listen you Goddamn cocksucker, get the fuck off my car".

Great jokes, more!

What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is stroking your lover’s body all over with a feather.

Perverted is using the whole chicken.

A woman named Wendy insisted on every boyfriend tattooing her name on his penis – a way of ensuring, she said, that they would never cheat on her. Her devoted and besotted boyfriend did just that on his tidy, perfectly adequate penis. When he was erect, the full “WENDY” was spelled out. Flaccid, the tat accordioned down to “WY.”

One day, showering at the gym, he spied a great-looking Caribbean hunk lathering up, and, as we all do, took a glimpse at his sudsy, enviable package. Imagine his ire and rage when he spied the telltale “WY” on the Caribbean guy’s impressive (if flaccid) cock!

Uncharacteristically boldly (fueled by rage and jealousy), he confronted the Black god, told him that he knew that he was fucking his girlfriend, and that they needed to settle matters then and there. Perplexed, the Adonis said he had no idea what he was talking about. “OH YEAH?” Squawked the boyfriend, “Then what’s that tattoo on your dick?”

“Oh, that,” smiled the sudsy one. “It says ‘Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.”

r50 see r29

R51 Oh, shit! I guess my page search for "Wendy" wasn't due diligence enough. Mea culpa. (Though my guy's dick was bigger, so there's that.)

A nun goes into confession. "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The father asks, "What have you done, my child?"

She responds, "I have seen a man's private parts."

He tells her, "Say 12 Hail Marys and dowse your eyes with holy water."

Another nun steps in--"father forgive me for I have sinned."

"What have you done, my child?"

"I touched a man's private parts."

"Say 18 Hail Marys and wash your hands with holy water."

So the two nuns are out at the holy water dispenser, washing their hands and eyes. A third nun emerges from the confessional.

"Pardon me sisters, while I gargle."

Your mamas pussy stinks so bad she got a belly button ring just so she could have a place to hang an air freshener

Another West Virginia joke:

The father is sitting there when his son comes in early from a date. He asks him, "How was your date, son?" The son replies, "Rotten. I found out she was a virgin. If she's not good enough for *her* family, she's not good enough for *mine*."

r39, those crazy Hoopies.

One night, Princess Diana got the munchies and decided to head out to get some Combos. In the hallway, she runs into Queen Elizabeth, who is ready to go along to grab some nachos.

Not willing to wake up the help, the two jump into the Bentley and ride off to 7-11.

As they pull into the parking lot and park, a thief jumps out and starts making demands. "Princess Diana," he says, "I know you never go anywhere with that ring that Charles gave you." She shows him her hands and says "The queen and I were in such a hurry to go out, I forgot to put it on." He then turns to the queen and says, "Your majesty, I know for a fact you never go out in public without wearing your tiara." The queen, trembling, responds that she and Diana were so desperate to get to 7-11 that she completely forgot to put on her tiara.

The thief says, "well, give me the keys to the car." Diana hands over the keys to the car and he heads off.

As they're heating up the queen's nachos, Diana asks the queen, "Your majesty, I'm confused. I was of the understanding that you absolutely never ever under any circumstances go anywhere without your tiara."

"No problem, my dear, when I saw we were in trouble, I hid it," says the queen, as she hikes up her skirt, reaches into her crotch, spreads her legs and pulls out the tiara.

"While we're at it, says the queen, when my son gave you that ring, you swore you'd always wear it. But here you are without it!"

"Yes, your majesty. Like you, I knew we were in trouble and as soon as I realized that, it took the ring off and, " reaching into her panties and into her vagina, emerged with the ring, saying "here it is!"

The queen looked at the princess, smiled, and said, "Too bad Margaret wasn't here, We could have saved the Bentley."

R57, I first heard that joke decades ago -- and with Anne rather than Diana, that's how long ago I heard it -- but with a much better setup than yours. You ruined it because a ring is much smaller than a tiara, so they should have been in the opposite order. Get it?

I can't tell jokes either. I always mess them up. But keep going guys! Enjoying a little Levity!

What about the girl that went on a fishing trip with her guy friends- they didnt catch anything, but she came back with a red snapper.....

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. When they got up to heaven and met St. Peter at the gates, Peter said, "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck."

The gates opened and they saw there were ducks everywhere; all over the ground, on tabletops, on the gold paved streets - everywhere!

The first guy walked in and immediately stepped on a duck. St. Peter came over and handcuffed him to an extremely ugly woman. He said, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two saw this and resolved to do their best to avoid the ducks.

The second guy went months and months without stepping on a duck. Then one morning he woke up and as he was getting out of bed he stepped on two ducks. St. Peter entered the room and handcuffed him to a very homely woman and said, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity."

The third guy went years and years, never stepping on a duck in all that time. Then one day St. Peter came along and handcuffed him to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. St. Peter said, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity."

The guy happily said, "Wow, what have I done to deserve this!"

The beautiful woman said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck“.

How do you fit four queens on one barstool. Turn it upside down.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders

Two guys are in the forest. Snake jumps up a bites one of them on the head of his dick. His friend finds a doctor who says the only way to save his life is to suck the venom from the site. When he returns, guy who was bitten asks "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're gonna die."

^

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner, and one says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped."

The tenderest love is between two Gay men, who have hemorrhoids.

I just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of my penis. I definitely won't be screwing one of those again.

Sex is a lot like snow: You never know how many inches you're going to get or just how long it'll last.

What’s the difference between Sarah Pailin’s mouth and her vagina?

Only a little bit of what comes out of her vagina is retarded.

What's the definition of a virgin in West Virginia?

A 13 y/o who can outrun her brother.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice.

A penguin took his tiny, flightless car to an auto-mechanic, where the mechanic told the penguin that he needed an hour to check it out.

So the penguin waddles next door to a store to get some sardine-flavored ice cream. But, since the poor penguin has no hands, the nattily attired little guy gets ice cream all over his beak, where it then drips down all over his front. Liking the feeling of the cold ice cream on his body, he waddles back to the auto shop without cleaning himself first.

The mechanic (standing at the door, himself wearing heavily stained coveralls), laughs when he sees the cream-covered penguin. He says, "Hey, my bird-man. It looks like you just blew a seal." The penguin blushes and exclaims, "Oh no, sir; this is just ice cream."

R70, this is the way I hear it:

What do Sarah Pailin’s mouth and her vagina have in common?

Everything that comes out of them is retarded.

Two brothers are at a bar. One brother, with the biggest grin imaginable, says to the other brother, "I did it, man! I had the holy grail of sex last night! Bro, I had sex with twins!!!!"

The other exclaims, "Damn, dude! That's so great! But, how could you tell them apart?" "Easy," his brother replied. "Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Jason had a goatee."

Three potatoes are standing on a corner. Which one is the prostitute? The one with 'I-DA-HO' written on its' plastic, see-through garments.

An elder Gay, Gary, is obsessed with the sexy, new proctologist in town. The bottom doc is a handsome, virile young man; just the aging man's type (in his mind, anyway). In his desperation to make a big first impression on the studly-looking medicine man, Gary makes special plans for his inaugural anal eyeballing at the hands of this dreamy god of a doc.

In the office, Dr. 'Studly' tells the older man to 'bend over,' whereupon he observed something sticking out of his new patient's elder anus. "This is incredible! You have some kind of twig or stem in your anus, sir!"

"Well, pull it out," said the pervy patient. The doc exclaimed, "It's a rose on a stem!" Gary excitedly replied, "Read the card! Read the card!"

One difference between a hooker and a drug dealer is that the hooker rents [italic]her[/italic] crack.

A man was shocked to see his longtime best guy friend wearing a bra and panties. "Jim! I didn't know you were Trans, now! How long have you been transitioning?" Jim replied, "Ever since my wife found the bra and dress in the backseat of my car.”

What do a dildo and a soybean have in common? They're both used as a meat substitutes.

When my boyfriend and I were together, I had quite a sex drive. In fact, I had to drive forty miles - one way.

A naked man broke into a church and ran wildly about. The police chased him throughout the tabernacle, until they finally grabbed him by the organ.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks up the family tree; the other looks up the family bush.

My little friend, Tatu, wanted someone to let him and [italic]his little friend[/italic] top them. I said, "Tatu, just who do you think you'll be able to please with that little thing?" "Me, mostly," he replied, with a big grin! And I laughed, mostly because this is the point in the joke where you laugh, traditionally. (My friend Tatu was small; however, he had a large desire for male anus; but only of the human variety. You might say he was kind of close-minded that way, if you were a pervert - which I'm not. However, he did mention once that he wouldn't mind having a stallion ride him. I couldn't be sure if he was telling me that he was thinking of expanding his dating-pool to an additional species, or not. You never could tell with that little guy. Gawd, I miss his lasagna! That's not referring to anything but food. And sex acts with food. I'm stopping now.)

A doctor performed surgery on a boy who had an eye defect. Afterwards, the surgeon told the parents, "We had to graft some skin from his scrotum to his eyelid. He might be a little cockeyed for awhile."

Who's the most popular officer at a nudist colony for Gay cops? The one who can carry a dozen doughnuts without using his hands.

My little friend, Tatu, was upset when his attempted password, [italic]'mypenis'[/italic] was rejected as [italic]'not long enough.'[/italic] (Poor little Tatu. Even inanimate objects without arms swiped left on him. Is it any wonder that he turned out as he did. You might kill yourself, too, if everybody and everything rejected you. And to top it off, some anonymous men on some online board somewhere in the nether regions of the internet either groan or laugh at your very memory! Some probably gag when they read of you, poor little Tatu. But I, I Tatu, I remember you!)

What's the difference between a straight voyeur and a thief? A thief snatches a woman's watch.

The Florida Orange Growers Association has offered to pay all of OJ's legal bills on one condition. He has to change his name to Snapple.

Excellent, R83! 😂

Your Mommas so fat after sex she smokes a ham.

What is OJ Simpson's computer password? Slash Slash back-Slash escape.

A man walks into his new psychiatrist's office for the first time wearing only plastic wrap. The doctor looks at him at him and says-

I can CLEARLY see your NUTS.

The lion and the donkey argued who was the king of the jungle. They decided to ask the other animals and whoever won, would get to fuck the other.

They ask around and everyone is adamant that only the Lion is the true king of the jungle. So he gets to fuck the donkey.

He starts fucking. And he fucks. And he fucks. Hours upon hours of mad sex. Finally, nearing the orgasm, the lion asks the exhausted donkey: "Well, who's the king of the jungle, boy?"

The donkey just groans in response: "You aren't king... You are GOD!!!!"

I asked my tiny, little friend, Tatu, "Tatu, what's the difference between a hooker and an onion?" Tatu very politely replied (as he always did), "You won't cry when you're cutting up a hooker." And we laughed. Not because that was the point in the joke where you laugh, traditionally; but because he was crazy, and I was nervous that he might attack me with his tiny, little hands and tiny, little feet. I didn't know whether he would try to pummel my toes or choke my ankles.

He may have been a tiny, little top, but he had an oversized heart. In fact, it was too large for his tiny, little rib cage; which caused problems for him later in the military and Secret Service. Yeah, he may have been a tiny, little top according to you; but he stood tall amongst tiny tops (not the tiny, little ones; just the tiny ones. Otherwise, he was like was a dwarf in comparison to the other tiny, little tops.)

Speaking of tops, does anyone remember Tops Bubblegum? I used to chew that like cardboard-like stuff as though it was going out of style when I was a kid. Now it's out of style. So, I guess I was a prescient child, at least in a cardboard-like-chewing-gum sense. I wish I'd had lottery-ticket-chewing fetish; maybe I could've transferred my cardboard-like-chewing-gum prescience to the more rewarding paper-like- lottery-ticket-chewing prescience. It might've worked. Who Knows? I suggest you try that with kids nowadays. Let them chew lottery tickets to ensure their futures. But, what do I know? Well, I know that I've used my mouth for more than chewing. I've sucked as well; as you can tell, here, by this pointless, meandering, rambling, repetitive, never-ending, vomit-inducing, mind-numbingly stupid, but sincere, attempt to waste some of my time. I think I've succeeded.

I've heard many different variations of the snake bite joke, but I always think it works much better with two guys. I don't really think it works with two women, even if those women are Bette Davis or Tallulah or whoever.

The straight jokes don't work - here. The one about the black eyes doesn't work anywhere.

R73 and R75 both screwed up what could have been two really funny jokes. Thanks for trying, guys, but try a little harder next time.

Oh, my God! The Joke Police have arrived, in their imaginary Joke Police uniforms and Joke Police vehicles. They're in a Joke Police helicopter overhead, shining a spotlight on the evil-doers in the joke thread. Hands up, don't shoot! Don't use your jazz-hands on me! Is Sgt 'Oh, Dear' here? Call in the SWAT Team (Special Whining And Trolling Team). Here come even more Joke Police cars, with their sirens blaring, "Wanh! Wanh! Wanh!"

Not funny ^. Try harder

They're already trying *way* too hard, r100. That's the problem.

Sorry, I just hate to see good jokes ruined, as they have been by R73, R75 and some others here.

JUST POST JOKES SHITWAGS, STOP WHINING

OP, you're posting most of them.

Most of them were posted in a previous thread.

R102--keep in mind that most of us here are not on the spectrum, and are capable of enjoying these jokes without having to resort to criticism in order to try to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

R106, I have very much enjoyed the jokes in this thread that have been properly told, which is the vast majority of them. Your odd overreaction to my criticism leads me to think you must be one of the posters who screwed up one of the jokes. But whether or not that's the case, you're free to react in your way as I am in mine.

Two lawyers are marooned on a desert island. One day, one of the lawyers spots a beautiful mermaid just off shore. He says to the other , “let’s swim out there and fuck her”, to which the other lawyer replies “Sure, outta what?”

R108 would have been funnier if the line was "Let's swim out there and screw her."

I was listening to a podcast dedicated to Gilbert Gottfried today. The hosts were rerunning an interview they’d done with Gilbert and he told this old joke of his:

I went to a party and saw Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. I figured I’d break the ice with a party game, so I said, "Do you remember where you were...". Mrs. Onassis walked away from me. I said to her, “How conceited can you be!?”

R37, I lost it, lmao

Maybe these will meet with R109's approval?

What did the blind man say to the fish monger?

[Quote] Good Morning Ladies!

BTW, OP here. And I only posted the first joke. I haven't posted anything since. Thanks for all the laughs everybody. Sorry for the intruders who have to ruin the mood for everybody. I was going to let it go hoping they would just disappear, but I think they should know about themselves. I don't understand why people have to INSIST upon themselves, insist on foisting their bitter little personalities on others - like they have zero impulse control. There is a time and place for everything - so read the room. People came here to laugh, not to be judged. So please, let's continue. If you have joke that's funny, even if it's only funny to you, please feel free to post it.

Actually, OP, this is what happened to the previous thread, too. I wonder if it's the same person/people?

Ok enough of the meta. Let's get back to jokes.

Folks, I criticized two or three jokes out of more than a hundred told in this thread, because I thought they were badly told, and I've heard them told much more successfully. I'm very sorry if that pissed off some people, but to put it mildly, I think it's an overreaction to say that I ruined the thread.

Enough.

anybody got any Patsy Ramsey jokes?

Patsy Ramsey has died of ovarian cancer. Police in Boulder, Colorado, accused of mishandling Jon-Benet's murder by focusing obsessively on Mrs. Ramsey, have ruled her death a suicide.

And a Gordon Ramsey one:

What did Gordon Ramsey shout angrily at his girlfriend?

"IT'S ALL PINK IN THE MIDDLE"

Asian Keanu arrives at a party.

Asian Keanu gets bored.

Asian Keanu Reeves.

A guy walks into a trendy restaurant and tries to get a table.

"Keanu Reeves and I are good friends," he brags to the maitre d'. "Just not with each other."

Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, erm...

Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

Two historians are discussing the Holocaust.

- The holocaust wasn't that bad - says one of them.

- Are you out of your mind? - the other one replies. - What if I were to kill 6 million Jews and one actress?

- But why the actress?

- See, nobody ever cares about the Jews!

I thought these are supposed to be DIRTY jokes

A man says to his boyfriend, "I'll bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

He thinks about it for a moment and then says, "Your cock is bigger than your brother's."

Did you hear about the gay amnesiac who stared in pornographic films?

He never knew he had it in him.

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a millionaire walk into a bar.

The bartender says:

"What can I get you, Mr. President?"

I don't get the joke at OP. Help?

You blow an ugly old guy only because you think he’s Willie Nelson.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

How did Helen Keller burn her hands?

She was reading the waffle iron.

What was the most violent story Helen Keller ever read?

The cheese grater.

What do you get when you cross a magician and a poodle?

Abracadabradoodle

Dirty jokes, frauen.

^It is dirty. Imagine a magician fucking a poodle or vice versa

Rewriting one from Bette Midler: it’s

These two women were sitting at one of their home, talking and drinking coffee, when the doorbell rings and there is a delivery man there with a huge bouquet of flowers.

The woman whose house it is takes the flowers and starts to scowl. Her friends asks her “They’re beautiful, what’s the matter?”

She replies, “You don’t understand. These are from my husband.”

“That’s great!”

“No, you don’t know what this means. This means that for the next week and a half I’m going to be flat on my back with my legs up in the air.”

Her friend looks at her for a second then asks “Why? Don’t you own a vase?”

[quote]Dirty jokes, frauen.

R137 the thread title is: Dirty Jokes, One Liner or Otherwise. It's not just dirty jokes. Although dirty jokes are welcome.

Oh i didn't read that either r140. No wonder i was thinking this thread was getting unfunny.

Time to bounce.

no r140 you're reading it wrong. OP wants dirty jokes (one liner or otherwise)

Where are the jokes??!!

The thief-vs-the voyeur is a handy one .

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

a rip-off.

What did you call an exploding slut?

Pop tart

A Gay man see this incredibly attractive man walking down the street and wants to meet him. It turns out the attractive man is a proctologist so the guy makes an appointment to see him. During the examination he's asked to pull down his pants. The proctologist yells out in horror, "There's a dozen roses stuck up here!" and the guy replies "Read the Card! Read the card!"

R147, I felt bad laughing at that.

R147 R148

Could have been worse. Could have been a box of Whitman's.

Oh, but think of the thorns!

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

Q: What do you call a lesbian that drives a truck full of dildos?

A: A Dick Van Dyke!

Does she have a decent cock-knee accent?

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows in too high. She looked surprised.

95 year old man goes to the doctor for trouble pooping and peeing. He tells the doc, every morning at 8:10 I have a big bowel movement, and at 8:15 I have a big pee. The doc says, so what's the problem? I don't get up till 8:20.

Well, it involves three gay guys and a woman in Central Park....

The Gilbert Gottfried jokes are hilarious. MORE!

R155 has set this thread back on track.

Three friends, an Irishman, an Italian and a Jew are walking home when they meet a great looking hooker who says to them, point blank: "for $100 I will do anything."

The Irish guy's been repressed all his life and he jumps at the chance for a blow job. He gives her a hundred dollars, they go around the corner. Ten minutes later, they're back and he's happy as hell, so the Italian guy, not quite so repressed, thinks, "I've never fucked a woman in the ass." He too pays the hundred dollars and ten or fifteen minutes later, he's back and truly satisfied.

Both of 'em are raving about her incredible skills so the Jewish guy gives her a hundred dollars and says, "Paint my house."

Did you hear about the thieves that stole a truckload of Viagra?

They're looking for some hardened criminals

From the "Horrorscope" a feature of the late, lamented SPY Magazine

Multi-talented actress/songstress Barbra Streisand was presented at court today to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II wearing a skintight topless leather catsuit with cutaway crotch and transparent buttock panels.

Miss Streisand wore a simple pink Empire gown.

For R157.

Thank you, r162!

A three-legged dog limps into a saloon and drawls, "Ah'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

Office Manager: "Know why I'd rather be a proctologist than work here? Because a proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time."

A woman walks into church with her blouse open and her nipples to the wind. A priest stops her and says, "Ma'am, you can't come into church like that."

The woman looks at him and says, "Yes I can. It's my divine right."

The priest looks at her and says, "The left one looks pretty good, too, but this is a church and you have to wear something to cover your head."

How do you make a gay decorator scream?

Fuck him in the ass then wipe your dick on the drapes

How do you know someone in the office is having a bad day?

Her Tampex is behind her ear and she can't find a pencil.

From comedian Norm MacDonald:

A gay guy challenges his roommate to a game of hide and seek. “If you can find me,” the gay guy told him, “I’ll suck your dick.”

“What if I can’t find you?” the straight guy asked.

“I’ll be behind the couch” the gay guy replied.

What's the difference between a walrus and an Essex girl? One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus!

What does an Essex girl say after having sex? "What team do you guys play for?"

What do Essex girls use for protection during sex? A bus shelter.

How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex? She shuts the Cortina's door.

When does an Essex girl drool? When she's full.

Why do Essex girls like tilt steering wheels? More head room.

Why do Essex girls like sunroofs on a car? More leg room.

Why don't Essex girls use vibrators? They chip their teeth.

Why did the Essex girl get halfway to Norway then turn round & come home? It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a limousine? Not everyone has been in a limousine.

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a phone booth? You need 10 pence to use the phone.

How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Two nuns are painting an office at the convent on a hot summer day. One says to the other, "We should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them." So they did and both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door.

Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door.

The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you." She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and informs him there’s more, then leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he’s ever had—every position he can think of until he’s about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank you ma’am, this was amazing, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 bill, and hands it to him. Confused, the mailman says, "Ma’am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was mind-blowing, but what is up with the five dollars?"

The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last night when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman’s last day, think we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck him. Give 'em five bucks.' But the breakfast was my idea!”

"My mom told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, 'Can I have a new bike?' He was very upset but his secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike."

"A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes.

I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the ass!'"

A young man goes to see his doctor and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating?"

"Why?" the man asks.

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time, I could have dinner with my parents.

A guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?"

The other guy says, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?”

A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast.

They were both quite startled. The man turned to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replied, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She can scream all she wants. I'm keeping the umbrella.

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

An old man is at his bedside praying when his wife says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm praying for guidance," replies the man.

"Just pray for stiffness," says the wife, "and I'll guide the fucker."

What does Pinocchio's lover say to him?

"Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Did you hear about the Polish starlet who never got any good roles?

She couldn’t understand it - she’d slept with all the writers.

Since R173 posted the one I normally post . . .

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a whore?

A woman who will fuck you for peanuts and never forget you.

This thread is hilarious.

Thanks to the OP for starting it.

R184, this is the way I've always heard it:

Did you hear about the starlet who was so dumb she slept with the writer?

It is a corollary of the Hollywood adage:

The Ingénue sleeps with the Director.

The Star sleeps with the Cinematographer.

R162 Hilarious! Thank you! The Black guy in the back row looked really uncomfortable. Anybody know who he is?

Can't believe I haven't seen this one on here yet. The priest is saying confessions when he is stricken with terrible gastrointestinal distress. He knows he can't continue and needs to get to a bathroom pronto. He leans out the confessional and sees the janitor. ""Psst, Jonny. I'm ill. You're going to have to finish saying confessions". The janitor says, "I don't know anything about it.". The priest says, "it's easy. A person comes in, tells you their sins, and here on the wall is the list of penances for each sin". With that, he leaps out of the confessional and runs out of the church. The janitor goes in. Soon someone comes in, and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned." "What is your sin?" "I've had oral sex". The janitor looks at the list, high and low, doesn't see oral sex on it. Without thinking he leans out of the confessional and sees an altar boy going by. "Mikey" he says, "what does Father Murphy give for oral sex?". Mikey looks over and says, "I don't know about the other guys, but he gives me a Snickers bar".

From the Gilbert Gottfried video:

How do you fit 4 gay guys on a barstool?

Turn it upside down.

“Hi, Mom, where’s Sis? Walking the dog, or at Grandma’s?”

Two Old Playboy classics from the 60s.

Lisped a limp wristed cowboy named Jay, Its a hell of a place to be gay. But on these prairies for a lack of good fairies, I must with the deer and antelope play.

There once was a man from Nantucket, Who's dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin. If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it.

What do you get when you cross Rogaine with Viagra?

Don King

A number of years ago I told this joke while another teacher was on his Holocaust unit.

Me: My grandfather died in a concentration camp. Co-worker: Really, that’s so sad. I had no idea you had some Jewish family. Me: I don’t, he fell out of a guard tower.

I couldn’t tell that today…

Thanks to everyone who contributed jokes (and fuck the joke nazi). This was the best thread I've read in a long time.

Two psychiatrists were meeting for lunch. One says to the other, "My God, last night at dinner I made the biggest Freudian slip of my life". The other says, "what were the circumstances?" " I was having dinner with my mother", says the first. "What did you intend to say?" asks the second. "Please pass the butter", says the first. "What did you actually say", says the second.

"You ruined my life, you fucking bitch". ""'

R195 I'm ashamed to admit, I found that extremely funny (so, sue me).

Gilbert Gottfried: the filthiest joke ever told.

One of the longest, too

[quote]Fuck the joke nazi

Right back at you. Of the nearly 200 jokes that have been written down in this thread, I loved almost all of them, but I called out literally two or three for being so poorly written by the posters that they weren't as funny as they should have been. If you think I deserve to be cursed out for that, I think you're the one with the problem.

Even if it's just one or two, r200, people are upset with the energy you decided to introduce into a thread that people were enjoying. I think in general cultural is saturated with hypercritical observations of minute details of things that suck the joy out of them. There was absolutely no need for you to point it out other than you wanting the world to know what you felt about the jokes. No one asked. But you thought what you had to say was important enough to hijack the mood of the thread making it all of a sudden about you and your opinion while seeking the validation of others who might agree with you. That's what people are put off by. So just take the lesson, learn to read a room, and grow from it.

The one about the blind man smelling seafood and saying “hello ladies” is a keeper. Also the Voyeur-vs-Thief.

R200 What the fuck is the matter with you?

R201, I do see your point. I just thought it was unfortunate that two or three very funny jokes were sort of ruined because people here didn't write them correctly. I suppose I could have just typed the better versions I've heard without pointing out the problems in the versions contributed here, but I don't think that would gone over well, either. So I guess I should have just let it go and not commented at all.

What 3 Chicago street names rhyme with vagina? Pina, Vina and Lunt

Lunt rhymes with cunt. I don't get it?

For what it's worth, here's the version of the penguin joke that I heard:

A penguin is tooling along in his convertible on a summer day when he suddenly has car trouble, so he pulls into a service station. While the mechanic tries to find the problem, the penguin walks across the street to an ice cream stand and buys himself a soft-serve vanilla cone, which he devours -- but it's such a hot day that a lot of the ice cream melts quickly and drips all over his face. The penguin decides to go to the rest room at the service station to clean up, but before he does so, he checks in with the mechanic, whom he finds looking under the hood of his car. The mechanic turns to the penguin and says, "It looks like you blew a seal," to which the penguin replies, "Oh no, that's just ice cream."

Someone finally seems to be getting a clue. It sure took long enough.

Never mind. So close! :(

What does a perverted frog say?

Rubbit...

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his butt...

A man is sitting in his recliner, watching the game on TV. His 17-year-old daughter bounds into the room and asks if she can use the car to meet her friends at the movies.

Dad says, "OK, but first you have to blow me." His daughter says, "Gross! NO WAY." Dad says, "Suit yourself, but you ain't getting no car keys then."

Reluctantly, the daughter agrees to the deal, gets down on her knees, pulls her dad's cock out of his fly and starts to go down on him. She immediately starts gagging and retching, "Dad!!! Your dick tastes like shit."

Dad says, "Oh, I'm so sorry sweetie. I must have forgot that your brother already asked to borrow the car."

How do they know when it's bedtime at Neverland?

-When the big hand is on the little hand.

A fly walks into a bar, goes up to the counter, and turns to the guy sitting beside him and says with a leer, "I *LIKE* that stool you're sitting on!!"

What do you call a dog with wings?

Linda McCartney

r214, what's the connection with the fly?

R216 Must have something to do with the word STOOL.?

If you have to ask, you're not very smart. It's a bad joke. Intentionally. -R214

What’s blue and creamy and found in the forest near toadstools?

Smurf cum.

A few true Tweets from gay couples:

I was at Lowe’s with my wife and said, “hold on, I just need to get some good caulk,” and that’s the last time I’ll say that sentence out loud ever again.

We went to a thrift store where they had a sign that said "one man's junk is another man's treasure," and I said to my husband "aww they're celebrating pride month."

My wife calls the bottom fridge drawer the Vegetable Hospice ... where all the veggies I buy go to die.

A talent agent looks up from his desk to see Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gertz, Lauren Bobert, Alexander Ali, Laura Loomer and Jacob Wohl enter his office, dragging Laura's bulldog behind them.

(Three hours of of them fucking each other and the dog)

"The Republicans!"

R221 It needs creamed corn, too…