Things Your Mom Said

Go get me another beer.

“Evidently”. She used that word all the time trying to impress people like she was a female Sherlock.

I was such a brat I would use it right back at her.

"I don't know why I ever had any of you kids"

You do know that you traveled through my pussy don’t you?

"Go give daddy his special time, son."

"I'd rather see you DEAD than find those things (Playboy magazines) in the trunk of YOUR car."

A friend down the street's mother found his stash of Playboys, and the deeply Catholic neighborhood frauen were agog and aghast, shrieking about whether this was a mortal sin or a venial.

My mother sure as shit got her wish, though.

"That was a lovely neighborhood until the blacks moved in and turned it into a hellhole."

She said a gay man we know is the only man she has ever truly fallen in love with (even though she knew they could never be together) and that she married my father mostly because she knew no one else would ever ask her again.

To judge from her wall hangings:

1. Tea tastes better with a friend!

2. Make mine country!

"I don't have friends. Friendships create obligations."

My Mom was a great person. It's just that she didn't need, or want, a Frau Squad. She was content with our Dad, family and her sisters and brothers.

"They're all gonna laugh at you!"

Turns out mama was right.

If you had a brain you would be dangerous . Love you too mom

"One day when I am no longer here you are going to regret the terrible things you've said to me/how you treated your mother" was her go to when we would get in melodramatic fights. I hate that she will probably be right.

"Only boring people get bored, go find something interesting to do".... Great piece of tough love mum, it's not someone else's duty to keep me amused.

You kids are the reason we can't have nice things.

" My mother sure as shit got her wish, though. "

R6 She saw you dead?

Well, at least you aren't effeminate.

I oughta slap the shit out of you.

R14 why are you fucking copying scripts from Mad Men? talk about cringe.

She'd say, "Didn't your mother teach you better than that?" but also a lot of "Let's go get a hot fudge sundae" and rare but earnest "I'm proud of you."

“Don’t drink calories!”

"Remember who you are!"

Always said right when we kids went out to have fun with our friends

"I'd rather see you DEAD than have you eat another slice of pineapple!"

My mother also got her wish.

“There’s no one u can’t live without” “if u marry 4 $ u earn it.”

This

^ **wink**

If you can't find something to eat, then you must not be that hungry.

You get what you pay for—words I live by.

"You kids are going to be locked in the basement tonight because we are having a party upstairs. "

“You kids smarten up.” Her language wasn’t nearly as colourful as Dad’s.

It’s colder than a witches tit.

"Goddamnit!"

"Daddy went to the bar and got drunk without me. He never loved me. Or You".

"Daddy is passed out so now we will go take shaving cream, rubbing alcohol, and vegetable oil out to his car and pour it all in the front seats and back seats. Daddy will learn to never go drinking without me again"----true story

"You're no better than anyone else. And one one is better than you."

"Daddy is fucking the slut neighbor" ----I was 7 years old.

I can handle the socks.

Do you know anyone at school who smokes? I am getting low on cigarettes. Use your lunch money if you need to"----I was 9 years old

That Patrick Swayze is SO cute!!!

If I can’t afford it, I might as well not afford the very best.

“I wish I’d aborted your sister.”

They were very different kinds of people and were incredibly disappointed with each other.

"You kids are going to be the death of me yet."

"Your room looks like a pigsty."

"No, you can't have a dog because I'll be the one who ends up taking care of it."

"No, you can't have a chemistry set." (Your fault I never won a Nobel Prize, Mom.)

"You should be a doctor. Like your uncle."

"Up the wazoo" "X city USA" "Vamanos" "I'm going to throw myself into traffic" "Who's home!?" "Everything's *fine* with you people!" "This isn't a family"

"You're aging your mother"

What do you need a therapist for? I'm your therapist

I could run circles around you people!

"I told your Grandma you were a queer. She doesn't ever want to talk to you again."-----I was 13

Why are you bothering me while I’m watching my stories??

How come you never pick up your phone when I try calling you

Does nobody know how to do a load of towels in this house?!

We were allowed to watch anything on TV, Soap was fine and so was One Day at a Time that all my Catholic friends were forbidden to watch. Everything, but the Mary Tyler Moore Show, Mom said that “Listening to Mary Tyler Moore talk was like fingernails on a blackboard” and she would not abide that screeching in her house!

“Hehehehe…..”

If I smell pot in here one more time all of your stuff is going to be in the street

"They always say it's the mother's fault."

I didn't sleep a wink last night

Around the time Party Up by DMX was popular, my mom had the audacity to say, “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here!” when my brother and I did something to piss her off. It took me months to stop cringing.

Also, the last time I visited her, we went to church and there was an obese usher wearing a short dress with boots. My mom turned to me and asked if I know who Henrietta Hippo is, and I told her, “Now is not the time.”

"Get a good night's sleep and things will be better in the morning." You were right, Mom. Miss you...

"I almost DIED giving birth to you!"

She used that a lot but it was in fact true. I was a breech birth but in most breech births, the baby starts coming out feet first. I started coming out butt first. The doctor had to use his hand to force me back and then turn me around inside her.

I was born presenting hole and got my mother fisted.

^ I was also born with a caul which happens only in about 1 in 80,00 births and there are lots of myths and legends about that. And I have had a weird life.

"Do you have any of your lawnmowing money left? I need it to buy vodka." ----I was 14

"I shot you out like a watermelon seed, Patooee"

"He who hoots with the Owls soar with the eagles" I had made honor roll the whole school year and she let me invite my friend over and we got "fucked up" on Zima's. The next morning she was all chipper and made me go to the mall with her.

Goddamn sonofabitch! (Usually said to nonworking appliances & the like)

If your sister gets pregnant, she’s getting an abortion! (Maybe we should consult with Dad? I’m 15)

"Your wife is fucking my husband and it better stop" -----My mother would literally be waiting in the apartment parking lot (with me--her 10 year old)---to tell whatever husband about Daddys latest sexcapade. Which she didn't seem to comprehend would lead to ass whippngs for both her (by the wife) and my daddy (by the husband).

"Just try your best"

My best resulted in B and C grades which disappointed her and when I told her "I tried my best" she sighed and signed off. As an adult, it was the same response when I couldn't find a job.

I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, would you…for being some who tried to love you the only way she knew how.

She called me an "hijo de puta" which literally translates to son of a whore.

I laughed and she said, "What's so funny?"

I said, "If I'm the son, what does that make you?"

She laughed, a bit bitterly, but never called me that again.

But she did like telling me I was useless and other shit.

Even on her deathbed she asked me if I was still fat.

I was glad that I had stopped talking to her for the previous decade, and that our final conversation basically validated that decision.

"Your brother is a queer" = my mother explaining to my sister why I was "different"......I was 8 years old....She was 6.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" "Pick up your goddamn feet when you walk!" "Do you want me to eat, shit and sleep for you too?"

"Someday I'll be gone and you'll be sorry."

A man having sex with a man is just as disgusting and sinful as a man having sex with a dog.

9-11 is God’s punishment for our nation tolerating homosexuality.

If I had known you were going to choose to be a homosexual I would’ve had an abortion.

We didn’t speak the last 12 years of her life and I am not the least bit sad she died👍

I don't blame you, R70. That is so sad. My mother has her shortcomings, but my god. . .

You ungrateful THIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No more wire hangerssss!!!

[quote]Things Your Mom Said

Far too much.

"Common, just common" said by my mother any time she witnessed trashy behavior.

And the most wonderful thing she ever said to me, near the end of her life...

"don't worry, when your time comes I'll be there waiting for you".

I don't necessarily believe that, but it was comforting to hear at the time.

R14 Yes! My mother would say the same thing.

“Don’t step over your sister. You’ll stunt her growth!” (I don’t believe it. But my sister IS short.)

“You fucking cunt!” (No, not said to me. She said it to drivers who were too slow or in her way. She became another person behind the wheel.)

“Can I get some Sweet n Low for this champagne?” (To waiters. Her taste buds got weird as she aged.)

You do know where you get your sense of humor from right?

r16 No, silly. I never drove around with a trunkful of Playboy magazines.

Why isn't this an A?

"We live in hopes and die in despair."

"If wishes were horses beggars would ride."

"You can't have your cake and eat it too."

Nothing vocal, but she'd imitate a violinist when someone was trying to tell her a sob story or make excuses.

Hmmm... Really underscores her negativity when you see it written down.

"If you want to get something done, give it to a busy person." She was Type A and got shit done!

“I hope you’re the man in bed”.

"You'd lose your head if it wasn't attached."

"If you had a brain you'd take it out and play with it"

"I might be some dumb but I'm not plum dumb."

"I'm going to fly into you!" That, as a child, made me visualize her flapping her arms and knocking me over. "I'm going to get all your college money and buy cartons of cigarettes and you can stay in your room and smoke all day!" "You smell like a polecat" (I was 13 and didn't know about deodorant) "Johnny Mathis wasn't gay until he went to California and 'they' got ahold of him!" "You aren't going to live your funky lifestyle in this town and ruin your sister's reputation" "Look at that Big Queer on TV!" (Rex Reed)

R81 my mother was the queen of adages/axioms and old saws:

Time and tide wait for no man

If wishes were horses beggars would ride (all time favorite. I see your mother used it often as well R81)

Life is a process of learning

Ad nauseum... Miss her!

"Nothing good comes from a phone call after 10 pm" When I was dating, my boyfriends had to call me before this time I couldn't talk. When I moved back home as an adult, I was dating a guy who worked for the same company I did. He would call me at 9:55 pm most nights. When the phone would ring, my Mom would look at me and roll my eyes.

Ultimately, she was correct. When she passed away, I got the call at 10:30 pm. To this day, I freak out when the phone rings after 10 pm. I become Sophia Petrillo, "Who died?"

When God wants ya, God gets you. Her reasoning for just about anything people might consider child neglect from letting us ride in the car unrestrained or anything else she was told might be unsafe.

[quote] "Your wife is fucking my husband and it better stop" -----My mother would literally be waiting in the apartment parking lot (with me--her 10 year old)---to tell whatever husband about Daddys latest sexcapade. Which she didn't seem to comprehend would lead to ass whippngs for both her (by the wife) and my daddy (by the husband).

I think she comprehended there would be ass whippings.

[quote] "If you want to get something done, give it to a busy person." She was Type A and got shit done!

I hate this saying even though it might be true. I always get my work done (not Type A), so ppl try to give me more work. I know how to say NO, now.

R87, the past 10:00 p.m. calls are also booty calls, not just "_____ died" calls.

[quote]My Mom was a great person. It's just that she didn't need, or want, a Frau Squad. She was content with our Dad, family and her sisters and brothers.

Sounds like mob life.

My father found out through others that I might be gay and told my mother to "take care of it," like she was an employee. So I came out to her and she said, "So?"

“Honey, you look like a broadside of a barn in that.”

She had great taste and never steered me wrong.

"I won't have you lying about what goes on behind closed doors!"

"That Jennifer Lopez woman, I'd pay good money to see her dead in a ditch."

^^^ I’ll contribute to her GoFundMe, just post the link.

My mother's favorite word was, SHIT! I amended it to two words OH, SHIT!

There was always a distance between my mom and me. I know she loved me but a lot of time it felt more like she was doing her duty. Once when I was ten or so I walked into the living room to ask her a question and saw that I was interrupting her on the phone. I hear her say "sorry, this boy interrupted me", not "my son interrupted me". It shaped how I felt about her and how much affection I would give her for the rest of our lives together.

Another thing my mother would say when she encountered someone who was clearly stupid. She would just shake her head and say "bitty brains".

Whenever we'd see an old lady dressed in too-young clothing, my mother would turn to me and whisper, "Mutton dressed as lamb" wink.

[quote] When the phone would ring, my Mom would look at me and roll my eyes.

That is impressive.

No, R16, she saw him GAY.

"If you keep making that face, it will freeze that way."

When I was about 15 I went downtown to kill an afternoon. I was waiting for the bus at a crowded stop. Two guys started fighting nearby and one guy picked up the other one and threw him in the street in front of a bus that was pulling up. It was slowing down so nothing bad happened. I told my mom when I got home and she said "they were probably a couple of ho-MO-sex-u-als."

"If I get murdered, you better avenge my death."

Said during a discussion about capital punishment.

r43 My mom said the first 3 things you wrote all the time. She also said when I have kids I will finally get paid back and she told me it was just as easy to love a rich man as it was a poor man. I had the last laugh. I never had kids and never got married.

My mom told me when I was a teenager that I was the reason she had grey hair. My mom never dyed her hair and had very little grey hair but she was 51 years old when she said it. She had a few grey hairs. Fortunately, I took after her in that area. I'm 72 and still have very little grey or white hair.

"As soon as we get home I'm gonna take my bra off and I'm gonna go to bed."

^^^ 😁 Now that made me laugh.

That was hilarious, R108. Your mom sounds like a good lady.

When you see them lowering me into the ground, you'll finally be happy!

"Why do you wear that goatee? It makes you look Jewish!" (?) :o

“Every mama crow thinks her babies are the blackest”

Describing how any mother thinks her kids are prettiest, smartest, most clever, etc.

“I’m changing my name to ‘Gertrude’”

The 4 of us would continuously summon her in the car, and this was her usual response when it became too much. Her more irritated response would be “don’t ‘hey mama’ me”.

And that’s as angry as my mother ever got at us kids.

She always talks of strange superstitions. She said a dream of a birth is a sign of a death, a dream of a death is a sign of a birth. "Left for love, right for spite" which meant that if your left ear itched, someone was saying something good about you. If it was the right one, they were badmouthing you. Your left hand itching means you're going to get money soon. "Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you'll have good luck." And whatever you do on New Year's Day is what you'll be doing all year.

“Nothing beats fun’” she’d say as I nursed a hangover. Also, “Home is where they have to take you in.”

“I should’ve aborted you. I was in the stirrups! But your grandmother offered me money not to do it!!”

“Dear God, if I had to have a little fag boy for a son, couldn’t you at least have GIVEN HIM SOME TASTE!!”

[quote]And whatever you do on New Year's Day is what you'll be doing all year.

Nursing a hangover?

“You’re KILLING me!”

“Really? I have to hear from the neighbours that you’re blowin’ their sons? TAKE THAT SHIT TO SOMEBODY ELSE’S BACKYARD!”

R98 the same thing happened to me when I lived with an old lady roommate in a rent controlled apartment. She’d always refer to me as “roommate” to my face, but one day she slipped on the phone and called me her “Boarder” and though I thought the relationship was equitable-

I realized then that she only looked at me like a meal ticket. I’m pretty sure I was paying almost all of her rent in that mammoth NYC apartment.

"Keep it down to a dull roar" because she was nursing a hangover, heard most Saturdays/Sundays.

Everything in life is temporary

"What are you doing to do for a living? Get butt-fucked for money?"

This was during an argument about something. Probably an escalation from not cleaning my room or something. I was maybe 14? I definitely wasn't driving yet. I immediately packed an overnight bag, and "ran away" to my gay best friend's house. About 20 minutes into the hour long walk, she drove up beside me in her car screaming at me to get in, which I refused, until she started screeching, with tears streaming down her face. I don't remember how she explained it away, or if she apologized, but I let her know that's not something you should ever say to your child. She dropped me off at my friend's house, and I stayed overnight. I ended up going back home the following day and we never spoke about it again. Sometimes I feel like I should address it, because it was really fucked up, but at this point, is it really worth it?

"Why don't you go pick on somebody your own size."

you came out of my pussy! you nasty motherfucker!

R70 here.

In order to post something lighter and happier I’ll post some thing my grandmothers used to say.

My paternal grandmother lived in the rural South all her life and she had a saying about unattractive women in public places. “She can’t help being ugly but she could have stayed at home”

My maternal grandmother had a saying about couples that she disliked “He couldn’t do any better and she couldn’t do any worse“ and my favorite was about her second husband “Jim has a melancholy face…. A head like a melon and a face like a collie“

you're a product of nasty sex!

"If you keep making that face, it will freeze that way."

That's actually true, R103.

When she’d get all bent out of shape about something she’d poke her right forefinger into the palm of her left hand trying to make a point by saying, “No Sir, No Sir!”

"Are your legs broken?" when we'd ask her to get or do something that we could do ourselves.

"If your friends all jump off a bridge, are you going to do it, too?"

"Just do the right thing and don't worry what anyone else thinks."

She raised five very self-sufficient, very independent boys -- sometimes too much so for her tastes.

How about "what are you, lame?"

Your breath smells like daddy's cum - go brush your teeth before we go to church.

Close the goddamn door - are you working for Eversource??? (the Connecticut power company)

Ur mom was a bitch r135

R135’s mom is a DLer. Cheap.

R122 a roommate/roommate relationship hardly equates with a mother/son relationship.

No one will ever love you as much as I do.

I was only 7, but knew even then that was pretty fucked up.

[quote]"Someday I'll be gone and you'll be sorry."

R69 Were you sorry?

"Make another bloody mary. And put some fucking celery salt in it this time, ya lazy bastard. And if you mention that movie one more time, I'm gonna poke your hontas."

[quote] [R98] the same thing happened to me when I lived with an old lady roommate in a rent controlled apartment. She’d always refer to me as “roommate” to my face, but one day she slipped on the phone and called me her “Boarder” and though I thought the relationship was equitable-I realized then that she only looked at me like a meal ticket. I’m pretty sure I was paying almost all of her rent in that mammoth NYC apartment.

A friend and I rented (sublet) a garage apartment from said friend's sister. The rent was actually OK, esp. split between two people. However, we later found out what the total rent was really low and my friend and I were paying about half the total rent, living in the garage. (Friend's sister lived in main house.)

It might not have been so bad, but my friend's sister turned out to be a huge bitch.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

[quote]"What are you doing to do for a living? Get butt-fucked for money?"

I'm so glad that my mom was a lot nicer than many of those mentioned on this thread, even though a lot of these posts are just unfunny made-up crap.

Turn that shit off!

“ Ask your father”

If you marry for money, you'll earn every penny.

139, was she wrong?

"Why can't you two be like the Nelson boys? They never sass back or fight with each other."

Every Jewish mother says that R49

True story this time. Around the time I turned 40 and I confronted my mother about her life-long disloyalty and disrespect of me, and more or less informed her that I wasn't going to have a relationship with her, she responded: "I never liked you anyway."

It was such a release for me because it was the first true thing she ever said to me and made total sense.

We remained estranged for the last 14 years of her life. She died of lung cancer in 2019.

^^ She also said she always felt she had to protect HER family from me. Catholic looney tunes.

I was sitting watching the local news with my grandmother. She watches the female anchor for a minute or two than says "Eeee. Her hair doesn't even shine."

Always said after criticising however you've tried to be helpful around the house but missed a leaf or something:

"Oh, I'll just do it myself."

My mother asked why I can't be nice to my brother the way Wally does with Beaver on Leave it to Beaver.

“You see that woman over there? She’s a Eastern Seaboard Whore.”

When I told her of a new movie with Al Pacino called Scent of a Woman, she said "ewww." I said, Mom, you have your mind in a weird place. But she (born in 1930) was right! I thought the scent was perfume or something like that until I saw the movie.

I know you as if you had come out of my vagina.

(I'm not adopted)

My mom also used to tell people when she was pregnant with me and my brother that she had a little Indian in her.

"Be true to your gender."

It doesn't translate well but:

Μια τρυχα απο μουνι τραβαει καραβη (Greek)

"A single cunt hair can haul a cruise ship."

She was referring to women who were adept at acquiring men through sexual means.

Don't do anything Jesus wouldn't do. Be Holy.

"I'd've hit you too."

"Say that again and you'll get your mouth washed out with soap."

"Always something new, never anything good." No wonder I'm an Eeyore.

[quote]Don't do anything Jesus wouldn't do

Which is how you wound up bloody, tortured, and dead on a cross.

If I spoke to my maternal grandmother while she was watching her soap operas she would say “don’t bother me when my stories are on”

"Say that again and you'll get your mouth washed out with soap."

And then my nutzo sister would go upstairs and wash he OWN MOUTH out with soap.

My mother actually did wash my mouth out with soap once. It was horrible. I think my brother vomited when she did it to him.

[quote]My mother actually did wash my mouth out with soap once. It was horrible. I think my brother vomited when she did it to him.

Are you Ralphie Parker's brother? Did he also go blind?

It's not a fantasy punishment. Parents did do it once.

I always figured it was the kind of punishment that was threatened a lot more than it was actually carried out, R171.

R172 Not a child of the Fifties, were you.

Not a child of abusive parents, R173.

Standard way of parenting for those raised in the Depression who went through WWII.

FYI you use a bar of soap, not that foaming shit

This is the the worst thing that could happen to a mother.

"That damned vinyl toilet seat gives me a rash! Will you check to see if it's weeping?"

Nope no threats just soap mouth. My "mother"did itand cilantro tastes like soap.

Spend as much time on the phone talking to The Psychic Friends Network as you want. Did you buy Dionne’s new CD - Friends Can Be Lovers yet?

Ivory. It has to be Ivory soap.

It's whatever damned soap on sale at the A&P this week!

I got my mouth washed out with soap in the late 70s. It was Camay, I believe.

Stop crying like a little faggot. Or I’ll give you something to cry about.

Eat your peas…children are starving in Africa.

Alcoholism looks worse on women than men (she became an alcoholic herself in her later years).

Your father and I don’t love each other anymore; we stay together for you and your brother.

Get your asses upstairs and clean up that goddamned room or I’ll peel your fingernails off!

Said about an ugly acquaintance: "Her mother didn't give birth to a very pretty child."