Let's be a Law Firm

I’ll be the moral ambiguity.

I'm the fax machine.

I’ll be be the huge billboard promoting the town’s biggest ambulance chaser.

I'm the fast-and-loose "billable hours."

I’ll be the secretary who sees/hears no evil.

I'm the slutty paralegal who has fucked half of the partners. I will get loaded at the next Christmas party and confront my boss's wife.

I’m the depressed, middle-aged third generation lawyer who’s heart just isn’t in it. I never wanted to be a lawyer, but now I’m stuck and go through the motions. I specialize in criminal defense but really I just take my clients money and phone it it. I am legion at the county courthouses. If it wasn’t for my ad in the yellow pages, I would get no clients because my reputation precedes me.

I'm the associate lawyer who, despite going to Harvard/Yale/Stanford, gets asked to take notes and fetch coffee...

I’m the backhanded deals being sorted out on the golf course.

There’s nothing funny about a law firm.

I’m the white shoes, you don’t see me around much anymore.

I’m the air of aloofness.

I’m the smug, condescending dismissal of laymen that’s barley a notch down from doctors.

I'm the endless commercials for the firm that run on local channels and proclaim that "size does matter". They feature the founding family, their kids, grandkids and dog

I'm the shelf full of books behind the senior partner's desk gathering dust because he never does any work and besides all legal research nowadays is done online. I'm here just for show.

I'm Downton Abbey, a perfect metaphor for Big Law.

I used to work in a law firm. You would be surprised how out of date their way of working is. They still use paper files, you will see stacks of paper everywhere, and yes, they still use fax machines.

I’m “Downtown Abbey”, a local bar that’s begging for a cease-and-desist from the law firm.

I’m the partner who goes through his mail inbox at his secretary’s station and lets drop to the floor all the mail he doesn’t want, so his secretary can run over and pick it up and get rid of it.*

I’m the partner who goes through mail for his other partners in the basement’s document production offices.

I'm the client on the phone holding while my lawyer laughs and chats with law firm staff in the break room. Of course he's billing me for this time.

I'm the 90 year old ex-partner who lost all my money to a con-man. They pay me to show up a few times a week and do "research" that no one needs.

I'm the small law firm of 3-5 lawyers. We are actually decent people who have a family and kids.

We don't make as much, but EVERYONE at our firm is like family and we are all happy. No internal drama, no bitterness, no high turnover, just regular people doing regular jobs.

I’m the Jewish senior associate in every sense of the word, who wasn’t made partner because Jews weren’t in the 1960s. I stayed anyway and to this day still have an office although they haven’t given we work in 15+ years. (They feel guilty now.)

I wander around on the floor with all the conference rooms and go in when there’s a closing, helping myself to the closing room food. After I’ve chatted and had a sandwich and a sprite, I wander out and the client’s rep in the closing room says, “who was that guy,” and the junior associate looks at the mid-level running the deal and they both roll their eyes.*

I could tell these stories all day.

Told ya.

I'm the managing partner who won't release the staff's paychecks until the end of the day because I believe their production level drops once they get their checks.

I’m the 70 year old secretary who still uses a typewriter for many things.

I am the reception area decorated by the managing partner's wife in the 1980's that cost the firm a fortune. My parquet flooring buckles under the weight of the enormous breakfront anchored by two Chinese vase lamps. When the firm decides to change its image to something decidedly more modern, my contents will be cast aside like yesterday's garbage.

I'm the billable hours broken into 15 minute increments. If I dialed your number and and left a 15 second voice mail, that's worth 15 minutes of my time.

I’m the male secretary in a Big Law firm who everyone is afraid of.

I’ll be the briefcase, umbrella and trench.

I am Suits.

I’m the long row of sacred portraits of founding partners that line the reception area at r29.

I will be relegated to the boardroom when we go modern.

I'm the fact of the matter: The way you've been taught to believe the legal system works vs The way it really works.

I'm like R7.

I'm the office manager. I've been there since 1958. My office is straight out of a Perry Mason episode. I never learnt to type, I can't use a computer. Although smoking has been forbidden indoors for years I leave my windows open and hide the ashtray when someone comes in. I had a three way with the president of the firm and his son in 1972. His wife doesn't know. I'll be there till I have a stroke one day after lunch.

Drink an egg with your beer at the Bar.

I never employed John Grisham.

I’m the claims adjuster who knows more about the case and the holes in it, than the hired attorney who uses their underpaid paralegal to actually negotiate these fake back injury claims. This entire bullshit insurance/plaintiff attorney industry is financed by everyone’s high premiums.

I am the yellow marker for notes that don’t show up after copying.

I am the annoying use of saying "the firm" with my lower teeth protruding out. And using "for the good of the firm" as another excuse to act without ethics but acts of greed.

I am what keeps society from chaos and I am resented.

I'm the evening cleaning crew. Whenever one of these drunk sonofabitches misplaces ANYTHING I am blamed.

I am the night court attorney and I drink during the day.

I am the paralegal raped in the library by the promising young real estate associate after the firm’s on-site holiday party.

The firm learns an important lesson: no more on-site holiday parties. Next year, the post-party rape will be happening at the Sofitel!

I'm the first-aid cabinet. I have a place of prominence in the breakroom and in each employee restroom. No matter what is wrong with you, I have something inside to fix it. There is no reason for anyone to go home sick, not with that billable clock ticking in the upper right-hand corner of each attorney's monitor!

You can't rape the willing, R46.

Yes you can R46, if they are underage.

I am the lingering fear that Michael Avenatti might reveal how law firms work.

[quote] I am the lingering fear that Michael Avenatti might reveal how law firms work.

Don't you worry your pretty head R50, it's all taken care of, for years.

^ who dat?

Dat my baby daddy

That R52 was Clark Clifford who kept this Nation of Laws going, with others.

I'm the battle-axe legal secretary who treats all support staff as her serfs because she works for a named partner. All the other secretaries hate her but suck up anyway.

^ I'm that battle-ax's pantyhose. I haven't been fashionable in over 20 years but her boss insists on my presence. After the boss leaves for the day, she rolls me down and airs me out along with her feets and lady-ham. I am hanging on by a thread and wish I were in the garbage.

There are equity partners and salaried partners. Salaried partners are kept in the dark, like mushrooms.

Hi Im DruNK! I hide from assistants and have long fake meetings. When I cost the firm millions in lost work, it will take months to fire me.

Im an older female lawyer over age 50. I blame younger female staff for everything and I cant understand why morale is low. I am insecure so have to retain my power by scowling 24/7. My hair is as damaged as my career prospects.

Technology scares me.

They actually asked me if I was drunk when I gave the [allegedly] negligent advice. I said very clearly [it was early] that, "No, I was not drunk at the time but I should say that some of my best advice has been given when I was three sheets to the wind." This was used against the firm in the subsequent, alleged negligence suit which we lost. I am still the senior partner.

I am the Jewish partner who married the blonde schiksa with the biracial kid. I treat the kid like shite but when it came time to impress the senior partners I took the kid to Israel for a bar mitzvah . We had to go there because no Rabbi would give him a bar mitzvah because neither he nor the mother were Jewish. We went to the Wailing Wall , hired a rental rabbi and the kid read his line of the Torah which I recorded so the partners could see it. What I didn’t show was the rabbi getting killed by a car bomber later in the day. Sure I blood on my hands but it got me in good with the partners !

i'm the female partner who after she leaves the word processing pool, the staff remarks, "she dresses like one of the Pointer Sisters".

I am Berniece. I am the law firm's receptionist. I don't do a damn thing all day other than gossip and eat the leftover food from meetings. They don't even trust me to file documents anymore. They said I had been putting documents in the wrong client files. Oops. Despite the fact that I am a nosy busybody, everybody still tells me everyone else's business.

I am the senior partners' men's room in a BigLaw firm on Fifth Avenue. I am lined with expensive wallpaper, soft lighting, and a series of extremely risque Victorian prints, expensively framed. 19th century porno, really.

Associates and support staff strictly not allowed.

I am R61. I will stay with the law firm forever because I am no John Grisham.

I'm the money. The glue that keeps everyone working here.

[quote]Technology scares me.

As someone who used to work in a law firm, I can vouch for this. Lawyers are so fucking scared to death of learning new technology. It’s lazy and pathetic.

I am the tears and threats amid the layoffs of 2008 - 2009.

I'm the old senior partner who is not Ivy League educated or came from money. I worked my ass off in cotton fields and went to college on a scholarship, then law school. I do not like Ivy educated lawyers and instead hire from SMU, Virginia, William & Mary, Vanderbilt, etc.

I’m Of Counsel. Never married. Several cats at home.

I'm the telephone operator who day after day 10,000 times each day has to say, "Widdicombe, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bibberman, & Black."

I’m the 4th year associate who dreams of an in house counsel job somewhere far, far from Big Law.

I'm the 1st year law school student who gathered and suspected that behind the money and prestige, law firm practice was soul-crushing.

I graduated, passed the bar and instead of practicing law, work in a rewarding, lower paying, reasonable hours, law-adjacent job that allows me weekends to live and look into my mirror with comfort.

I'm the LexisNexis rep who grovels at the feet of the partners to sell them more online services so the associates can stare at screens even more.

It’s clear most of you have no idea what actually happens at a law firm.

Maybe not at your office, but these things do happen.

I'm a quiet, mild mannered, slightly effeminate, chubby, middle-aged, married senior partner with 2.5 kids, a dog, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and pictures of BBC on my cell phone... 🙄

R75, which ones got it right?

R77 That could be any one of us!

I'm the basic threatening letter in Word. It's goes something like this. "Please find enclosed herewith verily verily I say unto thee....."

I am the 90% of posts in this thread that are based on perceptions gleaned from TV shows or movies about law firms (versus actual experience with law firms)

R79 That was my point. Many people who have prestigious careers and present as straight have a cell phone that tells a different story.

I probably should have added he has a DL account too!

I am the tears and fears on Oct. 19, 1987

I'm Sal. On paper I run the messenger department. In fact, I run the Firm. Get on my bad side and you may as well resign now. Mold will grow on your documents before they get delivered.

[quote]It’s clear most of you have no idea what actually happens at a law firm.

I spent nearly two years in IT at a 350-lawyer firm; I know from whence I speak. IT knows all.

I'm the Paralegal who handles all the clients and does all the work.

I'm the head of the paralegal pool who is total asshole to the other paralegals, legal secretaries and junior associates.

Speaking from real life experience. God I disliked that woman.

I am on the empty 35th floor that is being renovated, and I am fucking the guy from the PhiladelphiaM4M AOL chat room.

[quote] In 1998, I spent nearly two years in IT at a 350-lawyer firm; I know from whence I speak. IT knows all.

fixed

I am the affiant who sayeth further naught.

R78, I worked at a midwestern big fish/small pond law firm and can personally attest to responses 1,2,4,5,12,15,17,27,30,66,72 and 74.

I'm the depressing cherry wood furniture on the partners' floor.

The managing partner's third wife bought a truckload of me in 1988, when she came in to bring some class to the joint. She was gone by 1995, as was cherry wood and Queen Anne style, yet here I sit.

I spent most of my adult life working as support staff in a variety of roles first at a small firm, then two mid-tier firms, and then 22 years at Big Law. Most of these stories ring true to me. Law firm environments can be very different.

I’m the hot young laterals who came along with the new litigation partner, who himself is 5’6” of asshole.

I'm the lawyer who has to do 25+ hours of CLE right before the certification deadline because I blew it off.

I'm the lawyer whose law firm pays all the fees for blowing 12/31 CLE deadlines because it's better to bill 22 hour days while the sun shines.

I'm interning between my 1st and 2nd year of law school. The senior partner just placed on my cubicle desk handwritten notes he took himself while he was meeting with a wealthy client.

"Here's my meeting notes. Have a fully prepared research brief for me by next Tuesday. I'm going to the Keys for the weekend." and out the door he goes.

It's Thursday evening of a long July 4th on Monday weekend.

I am the clueless newly minted attorney who is blithely unaware that the future of law involves predictive algorithms. Who needs a seasoned attorney for a legal opinion when computer data is more reliable, cheaper and more accurate. Get ready for disruption.

I'm the handsome straight French partner at Cleary Gottlieb, wearing bespoke Lanvin, with VPL from my 21cm, working in the NY Office, married to a stunning French-Chinese art dealer.

I'm the miniature vintage Colonial ship inside a bottle next to the very old golf clubs in the office corner, don't forget me!

I am She Who Knows How He is Feeling Today. Some might call me the receptionist, and this would be true. However, everyone on the staff quickly learns that the essential service I provide is to discreetly clue them into His Mood.

Armed with this vital insider information, they will be able to choose the safest routes between the lobby and their desks, how industrious they must appear to be in the event that He leaves His office, and whether or not any of them can dare to be heard laughing or seen unbillably gathering together.

They need me. If they ever get it wrong no one is going to risk life and limb to save them.

R77 You were until you got murdered by an 18-year-old pimp in a seedy Bronx motel.

murdered by a pimp? why a pimp?

He was pimping himself.

(True story and a well-publicized murder but the younger ones here may not know. A deeply closeted partner at Cravath, no less.)

I’m the file room filled with paper files from decades ago. I wouldn’t need to exist if the lazy ass lawyers would take the time to learn the new technology that would not only eliminate paper files, but would make things much more organized and in a digital format.

[quote] I'm the billable hours broken into 15 minute increments. If I dialed your number and and left a 15 second voice mail, that's worth 15 minutes of my time.

It's actually 6 minutes.

I am the dozens and dozens of newly hired young attorneys and paralegals who eventually quit when they realized they'd been hired only to spend 18 hour days to review and Bates stamp hundreds of thousands of pages in the Pennzoil case,

[quote] I'm Sal. On paper I run the messenger department. In fact, I run the Firm. Get on my bad side and you may as well resign now. Mold will grow on your documents before they get delivered.

I don't think paper documents are that common anymore. You can pretty much email everything or make it available online.

i’m the brand new suit on the newly minted junior associate. i look ridiculous.

I'm the partner who is working on a thinly veiled roman à clef about his law career. I'm going to be the next John Grisham, he thinks! He won't find a publisher.

"I'm going to be the next John Grisham, he thinks!"

Not with grammar like that you ain't.

R112 He's also an alcoholic, ok.

R113 Then he probably can't parallel park, either.

I'm the partner retreat where we get drunk and talk about the partner with the ugliest/hottest wife when that partner leaves the room.

I want to know more about R77's guy

[quote]I don't think paper documents are that common anymore.

Oh, honey. You haven’t worked in a firm where all the attorneys are over the age of 50. Those fuckers refuse to let go of paper and refuse to learn new technology.

R116 The girls here are trying to link me to David Schwartz who was killed by an 18 yo prostitute. That's not me. I'm well off, but I'm a cheap bastard so I would never pay for it. I am not "generous" and deeply closeted. I jack off to pics and videos of Black men. I hope to meet a young Black man someday who will let me suck his BBC and maybe fuck me up the ass.

Below is the Schwartz article, but again that is not me. It is not even representative of me. Lots of men like Schwartz though, this is just the one that went bad. Somebody is paying these hookers or there would not be so many of them.

R118 is me (R77)

Here's another "straight" lawyer looking for a gay hooker on Craigslist. A woman showed up and killed him.

[Quote] She would pose as a man and target men seeking secret sexual encounters with other men, presumably on the theory that such men would be less likely to turn to law enforcement if robbed. She would tell the targets to leave the door unlocked and wait for her on the bed — but instead of coming to the bed for a sexual encounter, she would take their property and immediately leave the premises.

He was just 30 years old.

This thread is getting better. Keep the salacious stuff rolling in, gurls.

Nah, it's gone off topic.

I'm the can of white shoe polish.

I’m the blueback cover incorrectly affixed to the goddamn brief. What the hell do they even teach them in paralegal school these days FFS?

I am this. I am everywhere.

I'm the lawyer that is also a bodybuilder and escort on the side. I went to Columbia Law.

Really, where do they still use those, R124?

I know a lawyer who I think might end up like that Craigslist guy. I just know he's a closetcase. And he's got the whole wife, 2 kids, dog, suburban life. Republican.

There's the elderly tax lawyer whose bible remains the '54 Code and who can and often does recite full sections chapter and verse.

R128 as much as I hate Republicans, nobody deserves to go out that way.

I'm the Exxon Vydec Word Processor from 1985! If my operator can listen to his Eurythmics cassette on his Sony Walkman...he should have that brief repaginated by 4 pm!

I'm this guy who keeps making an appearance. Someone on DL is obsessed with him. Seems pretentious.

I worked at the Firm for five years. Now I'm a client as in-house counsel at a bank.

Help! Will someone get me out of here. My life is draining away. Please!

I'm True Story

I’m the all important client/matter number.

I'm a paid non-attorney spokesman.

I'm Broderick and Ganz, a half-respectful lawr firm.

I'm that middle aged lawyer who was passed over for partner. I am allowed to stay on as long as I keep making the partners rich. I work hard but I'm bitter so I only talk to the partner with a personality and only because he forces a conversation. I stay because at this point I have nowhere else to go.

And R138 is desperately looking for that 8 to 5 in-house job.

I’m the redwelds and banker boxes.

This thread is causing me to have PTSD.

R141 Me too.

I'm the young associate a handful of older partners always seem to gravitate to, especially for night and weekend work. It's all very professional and nothing ever happens. But you know. They know. Everyone knows.

[quote]I'm that middle aged lawyer who was passed over for partner. I am allowed to stay on as long as I keep making the partners rich. I work hard but I'm bitter so I only talk to the partner with a personality and only because he forces a conversation. I stay because at this point I have nowhere else to go.

Someone above mentioned "Of Counsel." That title was invented for this guy and all large firms have one or several.

R144 Actually, it was originally quite a respectable title, used for retired partners who wanted to stay on the letterhead and retain at least a formal tie with the firm.

I'm the letterhead on 100 percent cotton Crane's laid bond watermarked with the Firm's initials that gets pulped in astonishing quantities every time a partner arrives or departs.

Of Counsel is also occasionally used for attorneys skilled in niche topics who are brought in to work on specific cases. But today it usually it means someone couldn't make partner and they keep you on because you're competent, work your ass off and they take pity because you have nowhere else to go.

I'm an in-house attorney and I hire large law firms to represent my employer. My experience with law firm lawyers who are "of counsel" is that they are the specialists in niche areas as described in R147.

I’m the inevitable book of lawyer jokes that every attorney receives for Christmas at some point!

R143 I don't know...please explain it to me

R150, these partners are of "a certain age," married to handsome women, wear Prada loafers, and (still) listen to Snow Patrol. Get it now?

I’m the fifth year associate who begrudgingly toiled away on a pro bono project for some kind of trans orphanage in the Bronx called Marsha’s House.

Ok sorry R151 I guess I was thrown off when you said it's all professional. I assume the closet cases would not act professional around a hot little associate.

R153 No, it is all very professional and nobody does or says anything. Really big money and a career are involved. But the tension is obvious.

It's no different really than the way some other partners always seem to get dibs on the attractive new female associates.

I'm the Work Ethic. You get things done here and you get them done right. Slackers get sent on their way with a good recommendation for government work or academia.

Tell me about your pain and suffering from your mesh implant.

I’m the confidential document production assignment overseas for a medical device manufacturer, all expenses paid, plus “night” differential; (After all it’s dark there!) after work, the liquor flows freely, especially at “chandelier” game-time. At the conclusion of this grueling month, sick leave is paid for another week while we recover and catch up on West End festivities . . . the manufacturer settled for millions, our firms made a tidy profit; currently, the manufacturer is raking in record profits due to its critical position in the Covid vaccine arena . . .

I'm the best looking partner so of course I do all of the tv commercials. Some times a few of the hot young associated participate as well. We leave the ugly old trolls back at the office.

I’m the very short interval between your retirement from the firm and everyone who remains at the firm forgetting about you entirely as though you’d never been their partner and colleague.

R159 We're the remaining partners trying to think of good excuses for not attending his funeral. We only spent 45 years working together, after all.

I’m all the gays who are lucky they don’t have kids to get home to so they can work all night!

R161 And who, to add insult on insult, have to listen to their married colleague beg off staying late to help because "I have to go to my son's school play." Like your life doesn't really count cuz you don't have kids.