If you have a dead parent

It's taken three years for me to start to feel the loss. I miss my mom so much. She was suffering from Alzheimers for 10 years before she passed, but it's only the past 3 years I started to feel it. I think it's the isolation of the pandemic. I miss having someone love me unconditionally. I miss my mom.

I lost my mom back in 2020, I miss her like crazy. She was a wonderful person.

The pain of losing a loved (one like a parent) does become easier over time.

My mother died suddenly just over seven years ago from an ruptured aneurysm. While I’m glad she didn’t have to be sick or suffer for a long time the shock of her death really threw me for a loop. All these years later I function but I can’t say it’s easier.

My dad died when I was nine. None of us kids missed him - hell, we were all afraid of him. He had a temper and the pain from his cancer made it much worse. We didn't realize he was seriously ill until the morning that we learned he'd died in the hospital. In those days parents didn't share those kinds of details with their kids, so we didn't know he was dying.

My mom died last spring. She was disabled and had dementia and lived with me. I cared for her while working full time. The past three years were the worst. I was up with her every twenty minutes all night long, every night. The sleep deprivation was doing me in. I was at the breaking point myself when she had a major psychotic break and I called the paramedics. She was diagnosed as being in end-stage Lewy Body Dementia. I had her moved to the neighborhood nursing home and she died three weeks later.

The relief was so immense. I spent the next few months just catching up on my sleep. And now I'm so happy. Finally, freedom .

My father died 5 years ago, I would say that it's only been during the last year and a half the anger/sadness has faded and become more nostalgic/sentimental. I used to think people were so dramatic when they said that they thought about a lost loved one every day, but you really do.

My mother is probably going to outlive me at this rate, so who knows about that one.

My mom just died last month and I don't know what I am going to do without her. Her and me against the world, you know? The last time I saw her she sang me a song called "Keep Me In Your Pocket". Mom loved me unconditionally all of these years and she is in everything I do.

They were flawed assholes, but I loved them and kept them safe.

I don't miss them.

R7 Hi Sweetie, my mom died last month too. Sending much love to you.

I’m relieved that I don’t have to live with the fear of mom dying anymore. That I don’t have to have her die on me again. It’s the hardest thing. Much love to all you who’ve also gone through it.

Not at all. My father was abusive: physically, emotionally, and sexually. Only my sisters survived unscathed. He had it in for us boys.

Thanks, reply 9. Sorry about your mom, too. It's tough to realize how short life really is. It took me being older to see it.

Similar to R11's predicament, pop was a malignant narcissist, John Birch Society organizer, a dentist who hit on his patients and office assistants, serious abuser of small children, cocaine and prescription pill addict, and defender of Adolf Eichmann. He left a trail of human wreckage in his wake.

My Dad died in July. He had dementia but was only bad in the last two months.

My father was very charismatic, successful in life and kind. He also always did exactly what he wanted to do. I do miss him, but he was in physical pain and would not have wanted to live as he was living his last few months.

The loss was not hard and I don't miss him. You just don't bond with people who disrespect you. Love is earned.

My dad died in November of 2011.

It was sad, but also a relief. He had had Alzheimer’s the last four years. He died of cancer, which couldn’t have come at a better time in his life,

He was 81, I was 30.

I think my biggest regret is that he didn’t live to see me make money or become a lawyer. I also would have loved to see his views on the current political climate.

My mother died 30 years ago and i still think about her. My father still alive but not close to him as he remarried and moved on. The story was that he met his future wife while still married and they had to wait until my mother died before they could be together.

Both of mine are dead. Think of them? Of course. Miss them? No, and not from bitterness but from a pragmatic view. I'm 60, my parents would be 100 or almost were they alive and that's a sadder prospect. My grandparents were all dead before I was 10, do maybe that set the image that parents are not supposed to live forever.

My relationship with my father blossomed when I was an adult; it seemed a bit if s surprise to both of us that we got on so well to be so different. In his last year he suffered a chain of grave medical failures. It was a relief to see him free of pain.

My mother and I had a better start but her underlying insecurities and mean-spiritedness intensified over the years. Where my father become more agreeable and generous and content over time, my mother grew more brittle, selfish, and cruel. She had dementia for a decade which only amplified her faults. Her favorite subject of conversation was to hope that she would outlive her children. She didn't, and she wasn't terribly missed by them either.

My mother died in 2013 and I think about her every day. I thank God I was with her in the hospital to hold her hand during her uneasy passing. It was a profound life-changing shock.

She was reserved, gentle, kind, considerate and brave. Unfair comparison, but so many people in life have failed to match her qualities. I know how lucky I was. In her memory I try to embody her virtues.

My mother died in 1992. I still miss her and think of her every single day. But the sadness went away long ago. My father died in 1994. I haven't missed him one single day. He was a mean man who I have always believed suffered from some undiagnosed mental or emotional defect.

They've been gone so long now that I can't remember what their voices sounded like. But I do remember that my mother's voice always made me feel protected.

[quote]My mother and I had a better start but her underlying insecurities and mean-spiritedness intensified over the years. Where my father become more agreeable and generous and content over time, my mother grew more brittle, selfish, and cruel.

An older friend of mine used to say "nice people get nicer old age and nasty people get meaner".

Some 20 years ago, I got a phone call from a relative, berating and abusing me for not having been at my father’s funeral, which he’d attended that day. I had to tell him that, as my stepmother hadn’t told me he was ill, dying, had died or was being buried, it wasn’t down to me that I wasn’t there. But what I also realised was that it was a measure of the utterly broken relationship that mean-spirited, emotionally abusive wife beater had with me and my late brother. And also that I felt nothing at the news. Wanting that man’s love or approval had died in me when I was about 7 years old.

My mother? That’s another story.

[quote]My mother? That’s another story.

Oh, go on...tell us!

I miss my mum every day. She wasn’t perfect, but neither am I.

She drove me mad at times. She could be paranoid and she worried about everything, but she was the one person in my life who defended me and protected me no matter what. And she was funny and had spirit and sensitivity. She could make people laugh, but her real gift was in knowing when people needed someone to chat to or a shoulder to cry on. She was very empathetic.

I do miss her, but her health had been failing for a long time, and she was ready to go.

I was reasonably attached to my mother, I was relatively young when she died, and her death was quite sudden. Although it was difficult to deal with for a few months, it was not long before I rarely thought of her. After a year or so I never had the feeling that I wished she were present at this or they event or that I could tell her something. I’m saying this as a person who dwells a fair bit on the past and whose friendships have mostly been lifelong. I found I moved on. It is very rare that I think of her now, decades later.

I have a question for you all since both of my parents are still alive. I was blessed enough to live well into my 40s with all of the grandparents I was born with. But in quick succession, 2019, 2021, 2022 they all died - 90, 97, 99 respectively. My granddad past just last week. But it does put into perspective the mortality of my parents. I know it's hard to appreciate what you have when you have it in the ways you wished you had, when you no longer have it. But are there things you wish you would have done more of? For those of you who miss your mom, is there anything you wish you would have experienced, said? Is there anything you can do to make the time you still have more impactful or important? I will be an utter and absolute mess when my mother goes. Our relationship is like r24's, frustrating and difficult at times, but she is my everything and I am her protector at this point now. I just want to make sure I make the most of the vital time we have left even though we are living a world away from each other now.

Thanksgiving and Christmas, the 2nd year after Mom died, was actually harder than the 1st year. I think it was because the reality of her permanently being gone, except in my memories, really had set in.

Both of my parents are dead. Dad died many years ago and Mom died in 2017.

Both made painful mistakes with their children as all parents do, but I speak for my siblings and me that we were lucky to be born to them.

I laugh now, in a good way, remembering both of them. At first though, the grief is sharp, but time shaves the needle points of it and replaces it with mellow memories.

In my experience, though, grief and "missing them" are different. The grief fades, but, it's true, I think of both every day. I wouldn't want them to still be alive. It was their time to transition.

Oh, and my mother wants to be buried, whereas I would love a cremation. But I will of course honor her wishes. Her parents bought a plot near them for both of their children, so that is where she will be buried. But I don't even know if I could go to her funeral. It would be just too much for me.

Are there questions you wish you would have asked? Are there things you wanted to know that you realize now you will never know now because you didn't ask?

[quote] The relief was so immense. I spent the next few months just catching up on my sleep. And now I'm so happy. Finally, freedom .

r5, for what it's worth to you, I'm very impressed with your honesty here. I've always gathered we're not supposed to admit these things out loud.

I too, felt, a sense of freedom, along with grief and missing my Mom, after she died.

I chuckle now hearing her in my head say, "You think you feel freedom? I thought I'd never get away from you kids".

I'm afraid when my mom dies no one will be there for me when I'm having the worst day ever. Or there to encourage or brighten my day for me when I need it.

[quote] Are there questions you wish you would have asked? Are there things you wanted to know that you realize now you will never know now because you didn't ask?

It's so funny you ask this, r28. I was just thinking about some family situations in the past that, now when I look back at them, there was a more involved, juicier plot line to them that I could've asked my Mom about.

Seriously, though, I have a pretty fascinating family life (to me) and I already knew enough.

If, or when, both parents are gone, you'll have moments though, when you're thinking about the past where something "clicks"; you'll have an epiphany about one or both parents, some better than others.

In my experience people move on fairly quickly from the death of a parent regardless of the age at which they lost the parent or the quality of the relationship with the parent. The responses here are mostly different from what I have experienced and observed. I think the death of a spouse sometimes has a more lasting effect ( but certainly not always). People’s lives are more intertwined with that of their spouse and starting over can be difficult if the marriage has carried on into old age.

People expect their parents to die and the parents usually die when the child is young enough to carry on with life. I’m not diminishing the loss people express here but I’ve not personally known anyone for whom a parent’s death was so lasting a loss.

My mom died suddenly in June. She'd been ill for a long time, but the manner of her death was shocking and tragic. That's the part I get stuck on, imagining her last moments. She wasn't a great mom, but that didn't change how much I loved her. It's a loss so big and singular... I thought I was somewhat prepared because she'd been sick for so long, but I wasn't. I still can't make sense of it sometimes. Love you all of you who've gone through something similar.

My father died 53 years ago, my mother died 6 years ago.

I miss them both terribly, time only heals so much.

R32, A spouse can be replaced, parents cannot.

My mom died in December. She had been declining for years and had a few brushes where she almost left. Each time she said she was ready to go. Thanks to Covid distance working, I spent about 6 months with her near the end, keeping her company, walking her to the home's dining room, walking her to music performances there, watching TV with her, reading her mail to her, talking about the things she was imagining seeing. By the time I had to go back to work in August, she was pretty far gone, but I had gotten her moved and out of the hospital and my sister was able to take my place. I also kept her cat alive long enough to make sure she always had her company. We did the best we could for her. She was comfortable and never alone.

My father just died on Friday. It was kind of a complicated relationship, as he abandoned my mother and me was I was still an infant, and pretended I didn't exist until I went looking for him decades later. We did reconnect and I spent some time getting to know him, and the rest of his side of the family (who had known nothing of my existence), which provided some lasting connections. At a certain point, I decided I needed to create some healthy boundaries between us for various reasons, and our relationship became more of a text and occasional phone call type of thing. He has been in poor health since I've known him, so while his death shouldn't be much of a shock, it's still quite shocking that one half of you is gone, along with the potential of a relationship that is more meaningful.

Lost my dad in 2000. He was 56. It was a sadness I didn’t know I was capable of feeling. I literally felt the ache in my chest for months. I am fortunate to share my life with someone whom I’ve loved for decades, but.I miss my dad every damn day.

My mother died when I was in my 20s. It was sudden and happened right in front of me. We were close and I still miss her terribly, 20 years on.

My dad died last year. He remarried, and became attached to his wife’s family, even helped to support my dumbass stepbrother and all his kids. I saw/spoke to him a few times a year. Nothing bad ever went down between us, we were just so different. When his dementia got worse after his wife died, who had to take care of him? Not my leeching stepbrother or much older full sibling who lives on the other side of the country. Me. I was able to put him in a nice facility, but I was the one who had to deal with all the doctors, nurses, insurance, administration, etc. He declined rapidly and after about a year was put on hospice. I was there at the end.

While very sad, it was such a relief. It sucks having watched both parents die, but I guess I’m glad I was there. I don’t “miss” him like I do my mother. I do get emotional when I think about being my age and being essentially an orphan. When you did have parents you could depend on in a crisis, it makes you feel a bit at sea when they are both gone. Among my friends who are my age, some have lost one parent already but I’m the only one who has lost both.

How a death impacts us of course is effected by our relationship with that person and the circumstances of the death. While my father’s death impacted me profoundly, and I miss him always, I’m at a point in my relationship with my mother that I can’t say for sure how I’ll feel. Certainly sad, but I think I might feel different. I can barely contemplate the loss of my spouse. I can’t even bear the though of how painful that will be, or how I will manage it (if I don’t die first).

Of course I’ll MARY! myself right here, to save all of you the effort.

I was with both of my parents when they died, decades apart, which I found comforting.

Neither of my two asshole siblings were present for either death.

What reasons do you think your siblings had for not wanting to be there? I’m not being nasty —-just curious since you posted.

My parents were my only friends. we had a good relationship and we all lived together. I took care of them and was happy to do so. My father died some years back from cancer and my mother died recently. I miss my mother so much I can't really out it into words. The house is empty and I feel very alone. People keep telling me how nice it is that I have my freedom now. I wasn't a prisoner; I liked being with my parents and having a reason to get up in the morning. Now I just work and look for excuses to not come home because there's no reason to be here anymore.

R42, When my father died, they both arrived at the hospital too late.

When my mother died, they had chosen to distance themselves from her a year before she died, citing her Alzheimer’s and how they could not bear to witness her fade. I was her caregiver, so naturally I was there at the end. I did not inform them of her death until after she was cremated several days later. I wanted time to grieve alone and she had insisted on not having a funeral or service, so there was no urgency.

The loss of someone who you loved, and loved you is never easy and it’s never over. You simply live with it. For me whether parents or dear friends- it’s all the same. Further (for me) the loss of some key friends had been more difficult. My my mother was 92 and my father was 100 when each died. They had long and successful lives. After my mom passed away I realized I did not really love her. She was a very beautiful talented strong woman. She also was very damaged (by her mother) and I learned early in my adult life to keep her at a distance (she was abusive).. She still created a lot of trouble for me over the decades, and did some nice things occasionally. I learned to forgive her and accept her as she was- but I discovered the consequence was that I simply did not love her. Lucky for me there were other mother figures in my life and yes I loved them. And my father was good to me, although in the process of protecting myself from my mother, I also had my Dad at arms length. He compensated for her quite often, particularly in the last 30 years of his life. But there are a dear friends and a former partner whose losses I grieve regularly. You just live with it. The anecdote to loss is to cherish and love those who remain and to be open to new love- whether in the form of an animal, a friend, or even a romantic relationship.

My mother died at 46 years old of a cerebral hemorrhage. It was very sudden. I was 23. I can't really describe the pain and despair. I remember thinking that the worst thing that could ever happen to me had already happened and that nothing else in the world could ever touch me. The world got black. I started immediately to build walls around me.

The most amazing thing is the days afterwards, as you watch the world go on just as it did before as if nothing had happened or changed. You think, "How cold this be? My mother has died. Has no one noticed?" Intellectually you understand that nothing has changed for them, but it's emotionally jarring.

The pain never leaves but it does change and get easier.

It's 45 years later. My therapist thinks that I've never mourned her death (there are reasons) and that I should talk about the experience and its aftereffects.

Thinking and writing about this just made me realize that I probably DO need to mourn properly, and I also need to write down on paper the entire story. Before it happened, when it happened, and all the aftereffects which linger to this day. There is too much more that I could write here, but it's an inappropriate forum.

TL:DR - If you have a good relationship with the parent , their death is a very, very painful experience. It changes and gets easier, but it never goes away.

This may deserve a "Mary !"

[quote]The most amazing thing is the days afterwards, as you watch the world go on just as it did before as if nothing had happened or changed. You think, "How cold this be? My mother has died. Has no one noticed?" Intellectually you understand that nothing has changed for them, but it's emotionally jarring.

I had that same feeling when my partner died. How come everything's the same? I think it can make us a bit nuts for a while.

^ also I might add - my partner died the day before my father. I kid you not.

My father died 8 years ago. We were never close as we were diametrically opposed (political, religious, etc.). So I really never even think of him, sadly. We never shared bonding experiences.

They were awful. One's been dead for 2/3 of my life; the other died about 10 years ago. I never miss them although occasionally a pleasant memory will bubble up. More often it will be something unspeakably cruel. It helps me to say to these memories "i'm not at fault and didn't deserve this." The memories grow more remote every year. I don't have pictures of them in my house. I don't rail against them or replay the past although I spent a large part of my life hurting from what they had done.

I consider myself fortunate that I no longer have to honor the myth of their being loving parents. I do encounter many people who still feel constrained to keep up the fiction of loving Mom and Dad, while telling stories of the time Mom said "I could have been perfectly happy if you had never been born."

R47/R48

Very sorry. I can't even imagine. I hope you are relatively okay.

Yes, I'm better now, R51, thank you - it was over 8 years ago.

This thread is making me feel less sad for people who have lost parents and more sad for people who had terrible relationships with either or both of their parents. Missing out on that love, no mater how painful it is to lose it, is the real tragedy.

[quote]Missing out on that love, no mater how painful it is to lose it, is the real tragedy.

My mom was the only person who actually cared about me and thought about me. No one else in my life will ever make me feel loved or needed the way she did. I miss that so much some days I can't stop crying.

[quote] I miss that so much some days I can't stop crying.

Oh, Mary/gurl - big huggle from me in London.

You know a bit of wisdom I got from Vanessa Redgrave of all people who lost her daughter and brother and sister within a short space of time. When asked about how she dealt with it she said "I celebrate their lives and having had them in my life".

R55, Lena Horne endured similar combined losses.

"The next decade was overshadowed by tragedy – between 1970 and 1971, Horne's father died, her husband died of a heart attack and her son Teddy died of a kidney ailment."

I missed my mom a lot when she was still alive and could no longer speak to me with the sharpness and wit that she had until she was about 86. Then she went on a steady decline where eventually it was very hard for her to speak on the phone altogether. Obviously we lived in different states so keeping in touch by phone was important. That was very hard.

As for her death I feel gratitude that it was peaceful and she was surrounded by people that loved her. I have a lot of regrets too, but what can I do? I just mourn those regrets as well.

It's interesting reading how many of you had such terrible parents. I wonder if this is true of the general population or if it's something more common among gay men.

I was lucky I had a wonderful father, and my mom and stepfather (both still alive) are also wonderful people. But I know that's not true for so many.

I wonder if the mourning is based on personality types? My cousins lost their mother a decade ago. She was very controlling and dominated their lives. They all still seem like teens, though they are in their 40's and 50's. Underachievers, etc. (one is 59 and a cashier in a bowling alley).

They call my mom at least weekly. They say her voice sounds just like her sister's, etc. They can't move on.

How often do you call your mom, r59? Just asking.

Every other week, #60. The last time she accused me of wanting her dead so I could "collect" and hung up on me. It's always a chore because I hate her and I have to pretend to be civil.

That's the thing. She's so fake with other people but my sister and I know she's a sociopathic bitch. But she calls everyone "hon" and ass-kisses (then talks behind their backs). They have no idea who they are talking to.

I'm sure they'll all be baffled when I don't go to her funeral. They'll all be sobbing and throwing themselves on the coffin.

No wonder then, r59, you're so bitter towards your cousins for calling her once a week.

My father died 15 years ago. I was thinking about him last week (his birthday was Feb 1) and that I don't miss him in any real way, but only in the abstract. We weren't close, he was a lazy ne'er do well kind of guy who nevertheless had high expectations of his children and often expressed his disappointment in me, and never held back when it came to my sister. My brother, on the other hand, was perfect in every way and could never do wrong and while my brother is a good guy and decent father, he's not who our father made him out to be.

Our mother is going to be 90 this year, but lost her mind to dementia/Alzheimer's and in many ways stopped being who she was 5+ years ago. My sister is a saint; she retired and moved home to care for our mother and is providing the kind of end-of-life care that most people can only wish for. Fortunately, we three get along very well and have already planned that when our mother passes my sister inherits everything (with the exception of a couple trinkets that have emotional far exceeding their monetary value) to do with what she will. Our grandmother and great aunts had Alzheimer's, now our mother, and my sister has already planned for it. I worry that if I live into my 80s or 90s, I will develop it, too, but so far it has only happened to the women in our family.

Which is quite sad because the women in our family were powerful, independent women who were feminists before there was even a word for it. I miss the person my mother was already, and in many ways wish her a peaceful transition that allows her to escape the physical as well as emotional pain she suffers when, for those increasingly rare moments, she realizes she's lost her mind.,

I think of my late parents every day. I will miss them until the day I die. They were really great people.

I miss my father terribly. He was strict and loving and set high standards for us as a child and had a terrible though non-violent temper but into adulthood actively changed and he became a different sort of father, a much loved elder and friend. Even into adulthood he would counsel me on things and events that upset me and was solid as oak. Every day we spoke, to share an article or ask each other a question or discuss our favourite sports teams.

He died a painfully of a long illness. I was so relieved he was no longer in pain and it took me two years almost to the day until I stopped feeling the heavy weight of his loss. And could live with optimism. I think about him every day. I downloaded a new radio app last week and my first thought how much he would love it. I had forgotten he was gone and was soon in tears.

[quote] My sister is a saint; she retired and moved home to care for our mother and is providing the kind of end-of-life care that most people can only wish for. Fortunately, we three get along very well and have already planned that when our mother passes my sister inherits everything (with the exception of a couple trinkets that have emotional far exceeding their monetary value) to do with what she will

You’re a gem, r63.

You might be interested in Swoosie's memoir, r63.

I’m I the only who was attached to his parents but doesn’t really spend a lot of time thinking about them or missing them? Or are only the people who really miss them motivated to post here?

My mother has been dead for 31 years and when I think of her, I do miss her. She wasn't alive when my daughter was born and she wanted a grandchild more than anything. I was happy that I had worked out my conflicts with her a few years before she died (which was sudden, at age 61, from a massive heart attack). She would have been a great grandmother. Sometimes I do tear up when thinking about her. My father survived her by 7 years. I loved him but he was a very flawed individual-- selfish and childish. When my mother died, I think it took me two years before the world righted itself (Mary!). I am sorry for your loss.

Dad dead 25 years - when I was 25. Not traumatic - but in retrospect, it really disrupted my life. I was just starting to enjoy being an out gay man after finishing graduate school. My mother used it to guilt her kids into not moving far from her. I never moved out West like I always dreamt. Now she continues to suck the joy out of life with her neediness.

Didn’t have a great childhood - not physically abusive but damaged parents. I keep fearing I’ll miss my mother when she is gone - but I didn’t really miss my dad and now I’ve come to be bitter about my mothers continuing neediness into old age. It’s helpful to see different opinions here - while I wasn’t abused, I also can’t be grateful to them for childhood. I consider having kids now to be egocentric and narcisstic.

I lost my dad in my late teens entirely unexpectedly, my mother decades later after a long illness that left her with no quality of life. Both very sad but quite different. Dad’s death altered my life in a way that my mother’s didn’t. To those with recent losses, it certainly gets easier but I think of them quite often, usually the happy times.

[quote] In my experience people move on fairly quickly from the death of a parent ... I think the death of a spouse sometimes has a more lasting effect ( but certainly not always). People’s lives are more intertwined with that of their spouse and starting over can be difficult if the marriage has carried on into old age.

You don't really know whether someone has "moved on" after a parent's death. Grieving / mourning people don't always tell the world they're still having a hard time.

Spouse death: not everybody's married. But I would bet that even some married people could have a really hard time (and long-lasting hard time) after the death of a parent.

The love between a parent (and yes, more likely a mother) and child is, IMO, stronger and more unconditional than a spousal connection.

[quote] The most amazing thing is the days afterwards, as you watch the world go on just as it did before as if nothing had happened or changed. You think, "How cold this be? My mother has died. Has no one noticed?"

My father died in a hospital (was on a respirator). I walked out of the hospital and the sun was shining, the trees and grass were green. People were walking around like nothing had happened. I felt like it should have been dark and rainy.

R73. I’m speaking from my own experience and the experience of people I know very well. Im not stigmatising people who do continue to miss their parents deeply but I’ve just rarely observed the kind of ongoing grief presented here. I have witnessed it with respect to spouses and children.

My mother died when I was in my early twenties, and it’s now been around three decades. She had an awful terminal illness, and I was more relieved for her at the time than sorry for myself. My memories vacillate between it being a traumatic time to very good and sentimental memories of her. She’ll always be a part of me, but it’s increasingly distant and fuzzy. I notice all my siblings have very different memories and truths. All are valid and personalised. My mother held the family dynamic together more than my father who is pleasant but more distant. The family was never the same after she passed. There’s no malice or resentments,, but everyone drifted from each other.

It's funny how the terms of endearment go; the second-to-last time I saw my mother, I called her a cunt (she earned the comment, admittedly), and the last time my father and I used words with each other, he unfriended me on Facebook and told me to kiss his ass.

The last time I saw my mother, she kissed me goodbye and told me she loved me. 6 hours later, she either killed herself or was murdered (jury is still out on that). That was nearly 20 years ago.

My father was intubated at the end of his short life and so the last week I was with him, conversations were me asking yes/no questions and him using his eyebrows to answer me (1 yes, 2 no). I'll never forget the pleading in his eyes when he asked me to never tell his (third) wife that he admitted he never stopped loving my mother, and that her death (10 years after their divorce) broke him inside. He did it all with his eyebrows and me intuiting the right questions to ask. That was 6 years ago.

No, you don't really get over it. Those tiny anecdotes flow right out of me like water from a spigot. I tried to call my mother last week to discuss the impending birth of her second grandchild before I remembered she'd never met her first grandchild. It's nearly 20 years, and I still forget sometimes.

I say this not as someone who had wonderful parents (a narcissistic manic depressive and a ragey physical abuser who realized, much too late, about the cycles of violence from his youth that he passed forward to his children), but as someone who loved his parents--the love is a gift now that they are so far gone, but it's also lead bearing on my heart.

[quote]"How cold this be? My mother has died. Has no one noticed?"

R46 really touched on something with this. It's a complete disconnect from what you've experienced and how the world continues on without the person who meant the world to you.

R77 Yes, I think experiencing the world going on while you're thralls of grief is something you can't prepare yourself for. Furthermore, just dealing with the mundane realities of life while you're experiencing such grief also felt bizarre. I remember going shopping a few days after my father's death and it just felt surreal. I was the first "cousin" on my father's side of the family to lose a parent (in my late 20s) and one of my cousins asked me, "well, what are you going to do now?" As if I was supposed to throw myself in a volcano after he died or there was no way forward, that made me laugh a bit. People are so clumsy discussing death, but how can we not be?

R78 I wrote this above, but after my mother died several people, including my own siblings, told me I was finally free to live my life. I was always free with my parents, they never forced me to take care of them. I did it because I loved them. It's amazing how people can be so tone deaf when dealing with another person's grief.

R79, some people *try* to put a positive spin on every single thing. It's annoying.

Since my mom died in December, I've always had the feeling that I'm not doing something I should be. I called my mom at 7:30 every night for about the last ten years. I drove back to where she lived during most school breaks including long stretches of my summers (I teach at a university). On the one hand, I know that it was her time and I feel some release from the responsibility of making sure she is doing OK and not too lonely, but on the other hand I still feel like I should be doing something.

[quote]It's amazing how people can be so tone deaf when dealing with another person's grief.

For fuck's sake, the grieved have to be a little forgiving of people trying to wish you well when you lose a loved one. People are awkward in talking about death, everyone knows this, and as R78 notes it's rather inescapable. And yet no one knows the perfect thing to say to everyone in every situation. Strangers say odd, even absurdly wrong things, but proximity to the deceased or the survivor or both is far from a guarantee of saying the "right" thing; a close relative can be as far off-mark to what someone wants to hear as a complete tone deaf stranger.

Just as a loved one dying doesn't shield you from the world carrying on as if all were normal, it doesn't mean that everyone will say the right thing and use the correct language. It's not as though the preferred personal pronouns thing just expands to apply to your grief with your set of rules. People say odd fucking things, but if death doesn't give you some perspective, what will?

This particular emotion comes second hand through my mother, but I completely understand it. My mother and grandmother were different people. They bickered like family does, even though they ultimately loved each other very much. They fought about day to day things. My mom would say grandma was annoying and that she didn't know how to deal with her. I would coach her through what to say. I would tell her, you know you are going to miss her when she's gone. Sometimes she would say of course, other times she would say, I am not so sure . That is how it went.

My mom was visiting me in NY when my grandmother back home in Ohio had a massive stroke. She was still alive, but unconscious and the doctors said she only had so many hours left. They estimated eight hours. I remember dropping everything, sparing no expense and coming up with the money to get my mom on a flight back home at 5 am in the morning. If everything went according to plan, she would be at the hospital just in time, according to the doctors. Well, my mom's flight was delayed which made her miss her connecting flight which pushed her back four, five ours. I was at work, breaking down, hoping my mom would make it. I remember when she got to the hospital I was texting her, you're parking? you're in the elevator? My grandma was still alive. My mom was able to sing to her a bit, read the bible some, kiss her goodbye. My grandma squeezed her hand and then died. My grandma was a strong woman. And she fought and held on until her babygirl was there to say goodbye and then she left. They loved each other and I think my grandma knew how destroyed my mom would be if she didn't get that chance.

Anyway, my mom was completely unprepared for how hard her mother's death hit her. I guess you just don't know until you are there going through it. She went to grief counseling at her Church. And this is the emotion I mentioned above. My grandma lived a good long life into her 90s. And when that happens, you find yourself apologizing for your grief when you're sitting next to people who have lost a spouse or even have lost their children. You feel guilty for mourning the natural course of events in the face of other's pain and suffering which doesn't allow you to fully mourn. It wasn't until my mother recognized that her mother WAS her partner in life, that she allowed herself to fully mourn and miss her. Even though they bickered, my grandma was there for her through so many of her painful times, good times, everyday times. And she misses her. It's been three years and I know she still cries at times. But like others have said, that pain begins to be replaced by good memories, things that bring a smile to your face instead of tears.

R84 wow that was so heavy and beautiful. Have tears on my face after reading that.

She’s not dead! She’s just pining for the fjords.

I technically have lost both - mom physically died over a decade ago (hard to believe that it will be 15 years soon) and dad, while still physically alive, is in the throes of dementia.

Oh. I am SO SORRY. Parent. Dead PARENT.

Never mind.

R86 here, I pressed post too soon, sorry.

I was somewhat at peace with my mom's passing. I miss her, sometimes that feeling is intense (especially at Christmas). I don't think I had the five stages of grief sort of process - she died when I was in my late 30s, but my mom had been ill in some way since I was 4 years old. She'd had several bouts of cancer, a heart attack and a suicide attempt. I think I had contemplated and/or prepared myself for a world without her.

The last three years of her life were pretty painful healthwise, especially the last year, when a recurrence of cancer spread to her brain. So I was sad, but also relieved she had no more pain. I stayed as everyone else left for the funeral itself, and was the last to see her before they closed the casket for the last time. Bye, Mom. ❤️

Your mother and father raised to be be your own person, but they are still within you're psyche. It hurts when you lose them, but you slowly heal and keep them with you in your memory. Time does heal, you just keep that in mind as you day by day go through the process.

[quote]And yet no one knows the perfect thing to say to everyone in every situation.

Then perhaps they should not say anything if they don't know what to say R82.

My mother died in a car crash when I was ten. My brother and I were in the car too. As a kid I never really grieved for her, because my father fell apart and I was expected to be the level headed older sibling.

He re-married a pillhead who spared no chance to make fun of my other family members and steal money from my brother and I.

We were lucky to have good grandparents, who would take us for the summers and make sure we had school clothes and dental visits.

I feel like I never really knew my mother. I really wish she could be here now. I am in very little contact with my father, who made his choices a few years ago and decided he wanted to stay in a bad situation, rather than take the lifeline my brother and I threw at him.

[quote]Then perhaps they should not say anything if they don't know what to say

Or perhaps R90, the bereaved should just buck up? Either way would work, and either way has an equal likelihood of happening.

Datalounge is a hotbed of advanced elder gays blubbering on, wondering if life will be worth living "when Mother passes (a frail but young 102)" and cold Aspbergery bitches who will always say the wrong thing. I'm the 1960s and most of the 1970s American life expectancy was less than the current full retirement age of 67. People that age or close on the heels of it had little expectation of facing grief over a parents death in the years or decades to come because in most cases they were already dead. People think middle age extends into their sixties now and think that no matter how long they live their parents should be there too, hale and hearty and 30 years older still. "How will I go on without Mother?" It's as if 53 years, or 62, or 71 prepared them for nothing.

People say stupid shit to those morning the deaths of others, whether if ignorance or nervousness or whatever cause They should think before they open their mouths but they don't. If you think that is going to change on your lifetime, you're dead wrong.

[quote]the bereaved should just buck up?

R92 can't begin to grasp the concept of empathy since he's never experienced any real loss in his life.

Sad tale of woe and loss from R92 in 3...2...1...

It's a cultural thing also. I'm Latino and Americans spend years without speaking with relatives so it's natural they move on. To me, this was the biggest cultural shock I had when I moved to the US at 12.

Speaking with a parent once a month and visiting once a year is bizarre to me and everyone around me. So obviously death has a huge impact.

My father died years after we had stopped talking, so I wasn’t too bothered by it. In fact, I was more upset when my husband’s father passed away. Years later, my husband’s mother died on a Sunday. Then, after attending her funeral on the following Friday, my mother passed away that night. Now THAT was rough.

R35, you pick your spouse, you don’t pick your parents.

This makes me think of Clifton Webb who was inseparable from his mother his entire life. They were a well known couple. When she died in her 90s he was in his early 70s and was inconsolable. He carried on as if he had lost the love of his life. Noel Coward said, 'Poor Clifton, an orphan at 71.' Webb never recovered from her loss and died 5 years later.

My dad died in 2014 (I think). I don't miss him at all. He was an asshole, especially towards my mom. When he died I shrugged and thought good riddance. I didn't attend his funeral and have never visited his grave.

Same for me, #98. I sorta wish I had one of those dad's you tear-up about remembering. But if you want to be missed, don't be a towering asshole.

But what about a dead aunt?

*Pink Panther music plays* dead ant dead ant.....dead ant

My dad died when I was mid-20s. I was the first in my group of friends to have a parent die. Nobody called me to say I'm sorry your dad died. Nobody called me, period. A neighbor lady (I was friends with her daughter), about 5 years later said: I know it's late in the day, but I'm sorry your father died. Other people in the neighborhood had sent condolence cards, not her. (This was a new suburb development and most of the people knew each other from Day One.)

Frankly, I do think less of people who can't even say I'm sorry, etc.

My mother died just over 5 years ago. We had been close and it was the fairly typical process of grieving and coming to terms. I guess I was mostly pasted it by year 3, though I still have strong flashes where it will all come back.

My father died just under 15 years ago. We weren't as close, and I remember not feeling much of anything for the first month or so. I remember feeling horrible that I wasn't feeling worse, so to speak. He was a good man and I felt like a bad son because I didn't seem to be grieving for him. By the second month or so, though, it became clear that I was grieving for him. I don't know what sort of coping mechanism the whole thing was, but I was relieved in a way.

I still have guilty moments of relief that I don't have to worry about them anymore, as well.

My mom died 5 years ago. She was a fun, smart person who dealt with so much in life (including living in three countries by the time she was 25)— it made her so bitter and she took it out on us.

Moments I’ll remember were when she was lighthearted and fun— but as she gotten deafer (and refused to admit it), none of could have conversations with her. For the last 20 years of her life, I shared little as a consequence. I’m glad she died suddenly—she was becoming a big burden for all of us.

Father died when I was five and it was in an era when nobody talked about their feelings. I heard all these b.s. platitudes 'God only takes the good ones.' 'He needed your father in Heaven to fight in his army.' 'It's not up to us to question why.'

People just say stuff to make themselves feel better.

I was raised by a mother who was devastated by the loss of her husband. She turned into her own version of Beth Jarrett and moved forward through life, going back to work, sending her sons to college, and doing a remarkable job. She never gave herself enough credit. I had an assholic older brother who didn't like me to begin with (he felt 'displaced' by my arrival). No father to keep him in line. Disaster.

I watched TV shows where widowed Karen Fairgate would find desirable Mac McKenzie (how was this guy not taken?) and he became a stepfather pal to her sons.

That doesn't happen in real life.

At least not to me. So, no dad to teach me sports, how to shave, how to tie a tie, all that stuff...and everyone acted like my brothers and I should just be experts at everything because Dad's death wasn't ever talked about. I had a grandfather and an uncle who were useless. Worse yet, they did harm by never dealing with anything.

Every male relationship I've ever had has been screwed up. I looked for teachers, gym teachers, classmates, anyone older than me to understand my pain and fix it. Not their job, of course. I blame myself for wanting too much but also damn the assholes who abused me. I got stuck. It meshed with my sexuality so I'm not looking for an equal but a daddy. Came of age in the era of AIDS so I made the choice to do nothing rather than wind up infected and dying as I saw happen to so many around me.

Today, 'daddies' for me are more like grandaddies or great-grandfathers. Pass. It's over.

I seem to attract assholes and narcissists who play games. I get in too deep and try to convince them I'm a good person worth loving only they're incapable of being a real human being. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I hope not to repeat that mistake ever again.

As I head into Act III alone (Mom died from COVID; they're together -- I hope -- I go back and forth on believing in an afterlife. We go somewhere...don't we?) I hope to find some bit of happiness. I better hurry, though.

As Joss Whedon said [italic] “Everything is so fragile. There's so much conflict, so much pain...you keep waiting for the dust to settle and then you realize this is it; the dust is your life going on. If happy comes along--that weird, unbearable delight that's actual happy--I think you have to grab it while you can. You take what you can get, 'cause it's here, and then...gone.” [/italic]

[quote] I watched TV shows where widowed Karen Fairgate would find desirable Mac McKenzie (how was this guy not taken?) and he became a stepfather pal to her sons.

In reality, I wonder how often this happens. IME and observation, when the mom gets remarried, she then starts having kids with the new guy. The new guy then starts favoring the younger children b/c they're his bio kids.

I'm the product of my mother's 2nd marriage. I won't say that my dad favored me over my older siblings (product of 1st marriage), but I think my older siblings are resentful, still.

R96, Which is why a spouse can be replaced. Duh!

[quote] Then perhaps they should not say anything if they don't know what to say [R82].

No one loves a Grief Nazi.

R97, In so many photographs taken at Hollywood parties, you're bound to see Maybelle Webb front and center.

Liberace was also extremely close to his mother and took her to many Hollywood events.

[quite]Nobody called me to say I'm sorry your dad died. Nobody called me, period.

They were probably smarting from the wrath of having said the wrong things to R78, R79, R90, etc.

[quote]...you keep waiting for the dust to settle and then you realize this is it; the dust is your life going on.

Nice insight, which makes me feel that it's best not to fight the unsettled unsettling dust, but somehow to go with it, and not expect too much improvement. The dust will settle definitively soon enough.

Does anyone believe in the hereafter?

My Mom was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in the summer of 2018, she died a few days before Christmas of that year. I'm not sure what was worse; helping care for her or watching her die in bed at our family home. I had a heart attack a week later, the doctors said it was likely brought on by the stress of the ordeal with my mother and the unbelievable things that happen within a family during such a difficult time. It's 2022 and I still think about her every day. Shortly after her death I would wake up each morning and immediately remember that she is dead. Slowly I stopped thinking about it the minute I woke and would think about it as I made coffee, remembering how I would make hers when it was my turn to make her breakfast. I think about her every day, my father is still alive and in his 80's, I just hope that when his time comes that it's not a horrible experience for him or us like our mother's illness and death. I suffer from major depression that seems to evade every medication that I have tried. I have a feeling that at this point my father will outlive me and I'm ok with that.

I want to say it gets better. It doesn't. You get better!

I lost my dad 30 years ago. I mourned him and had a couple visits from him in dreams that were reassuring, and then we both got on with our individual journey.

my mom was killed when I was sixteen. I honestly can't articulate what a loss it was for me. no words

My dad died when I was 42, we never got along, it was a relief

My father died in 1984 when I was 19 serving overseas. I was devastated initially. But over the years I have come to realize that my father was an absolute idiot. He was a moody alcoholic. Cold, distant and cruel sober, he was an overly affectionate lush when drunk. I go through periods imagining him as a good dad, which he decidedly wasn’t. Then I have days of utter anger and bitterness remembering how nasty he was to us. He complained incessantly about what a shitty set of parents he had, yet proceeded to treat me and my brother the exact same way. He was traumatized by his father, so he didn’t know anything else.

The day my mother died, I walked out of the hospital and looked around and thought, “So this is the worst without Mother in it.” What a strange place it seemed! Now, years later, I’m used to it.

My dad died in 2014 and it was fairly traumatic. He wasn't the greatest father though, which helped blunt the pain in the end. He was incredibly selfish and peaced out of the whole parent endeavor when I was very young, leaving us with my mom who is mentally ill and abused us emotionally.

So I'm ambivalent. When he died, my whole life changed. I'm now a sadder person. An aspect of being able to experience joy has disappeared. It's weird. I didnt think his death would affect me as much as it has. He didn't show much unconditional love and his absence growing up, his lack of a sense of responsibility to us, has left me resentful. I see some fathers who embrace that role and make their kids a priority They love loving their kids. That is foreign to me and I'm still fighting to resolve my feelings around that with him.

I will say, at the very least, my parents gave me and my brothers the raw materials for making decent lives for ourselves. They were NEVER supportive of any of our ambitions but both were incredibly intelligent and gifted artistically. So we received various combinations of those traits and have been able to leverage them create interesting lucrative careers. I guess that's a reason to be grateful.

Hey, R112, your story sounds familiar. Do you think you can get help, therapy? Sounds like you went through a lot. I watched my mom get worse & worse then die (lung cancer w/brain tumors). It took me a long time to remember a time when she didn't have cancer. Then, I started having dreams about her and she was fine, no cancer. She wasn't really saying anything or doing anything (in the dreams), but I considered that progress.

To people like R92, age isn't a factor in the pain of a parent's death. It doesn't become easier the older they are. Sometimes I feel it might even be just as bad if not worse, because the older you are, the closer to your own demise you are and feel no exit from the intense pain. My great grandmother was 105 when she died. My granddad was 86 at the time and mourned her just as if he were 12 years old. Age has nothing to do with it. He himself lived another 13 years, but he never got over the death of his mom. At that age, there wasn't any other life for him to explore, no new beginnings. At that age, you just know you will never be over this in the time you yourself have left.

And as far losing a parent vs. a spouse, they are completely different. Your parents literally formed who you are as a human being both physically and mentally, in their presence or even absence. They are a huge part of your psyche and have a lot to do with who you become physically as you age, no matter how hard you try and fight it. Spouses that we chose are usually in direct correlation to who are parents were, are - either an attempt to replicate what we've witnessed, or repair what what we've experienced. But spouses are based on your upbringing. Your choice of who you spend your life with just doesn't spring up out of nowhere. They say a lot of times your spouse possesses the same traits you were too powerless to change in your parents as a child, but take on as a challenge in someone you chose to spend your life with as an adult. There is a lot of truth to this. My mom is a 5' black woman and my partner is a 6'2" white man, but damn it if they don't drive me crazy in the same ways.

R110, Joss may not be everyone's favorite person but I love that quote. It's gotten me through some tough times and it's worth remembering and reposting.

R109 Uh... I just said that the comment from my cousin made me LAUGH. If you read my post I'm actually sympathetic towards people fumbling as they discuss death. I think you're projecting.

My parents gave me and my siblings a terrific childhood. We weren't rich but they took us on long-distant trips and made sure we had plenty of things we loved at Christmas and birthdays. It was a loved family.

In 1994, I came home from work to find a phone message asking me to call my parents. My mom answered and in tears told me that my dad had died that day of a heart attack. He was 68. I burst out into hysterical crying so hard that my mom had to turn the phone over to her best friend to deal with me. It was a very difficult time as it came two years after my sister had passed (31) of cancer. It's been a while now of course since their passing and they are always in my heart and mind. I have been able to move on emotionally.

Mom lived until 2021, when she passed at age 91 of physical ailments and dementia. I took care of her for the last five years of her life, helping with things that people have told me they would never do (bathroom issues, changing clothes, medications, etc). She was my MOM and I loved her so much. The last 3 years were spent in an Alzheimer's section of a nursing home which was difficult for me to handle BUT I did. When they said she was nearing end of life, I spent as much time with her as I could, but I wasn't there for her passing which I regret.

Even when she was confused and bed-ridden, she still was able to smile and find some good time with me. I feel Very emotional writing this even now. It's only been a short while but I miss her so much.

My heart goes out to you r123. You are a good person, a good son.

R123, I wasn't either but I learned what counts is being there throughout her life -- not many get to be there at that one final moment.

You were there throughout.

As was I.

r116, I suggest an Al-Anon meeting. It's a meeting of family members and friends of alcoholics.