Half-sibling I never knew about

*That sentence should have read, "My mother, who is still alive, divorced our father decades ago and has long since re-married,"--sorry for the error.

There is no easy way. This man may be damaged goods and there's nothing you can do to fix it. But what the hell, go ahead and contact him. He's your sibling: he won't be surprised by your insensitivity

What do you want out of it? I would say there's probably not much wrong with letting him know that you're open to contact but that it's totally okay if he doesn't want to.

Your story is similar to mine, except I am the lost sibling that no one knew about. I grew up as an only child, but have discovered that I have a bunch of siblings. I’ve now met them all.

r4, did you approach them first, or did they approach you? Has the contact been positive, or would you have rather not met them?

[quote]But what the hell, go ahead and contact him. He's your sibling: he won't be surprised by your insensitivity

I am not the one who would necessarily want to contact him: it's my sister who right now wants to do it.

Watch out for the dreaded GSA!

You sure do make up a lot of stupid threads, OP

23 and Me has fucked over more people than Equifax.

I did the dna test, got the help of someone who could tie the data to actual people. So I’m the one who reached out to all of them.

I’d been curious and interested to find my bio family for decades - and was disappointed when they didn’t have the same sort of interest. They’ve all been very nice. Not one has rejected me. But my fantasy of having that really close brother or sister just isn’t going to happen.

OP, are you a male or a female?

I would want to meet him, esp. if he looks like your father.

Also, you and your 2 siblings are probably in a better situation than this half-sibling. He grew up without a father.

I met a half sibling I didn’t know about. Met him. ROTTEN EXPERIENCE. Hope yours is better.

I have a cousin who was an only child, but her father was a pig. She knows that her father had two other children out of wedlock, and she wanted absolutely nothing to do with either of them. (My grandmother told me there was at least one other that she knew of and maybe others.)

I was shocked when this cousin asked for my help getting her DNA tested. So far, only one other sibling has turned up, who had been given up for adoption. My cousin has absolutely no interest in meeting her either.

Interestingly, this half sibling was told some story by Catholic Charities about her birth father that does not match my uncle at all. So either her mother was doing everyone in town and couldn't keep the father straight or the nuns were great fiction writers.

If your sister wants to try to meet him, it's her choice to proceed. If you decide you'd rather stay out of it, that's your choice and Ok too.

It was Ancestry for me that confirmed the half sibling, but we kinda knew he was a possibility.

I have no advice on a half sibling, haven't met mine yet either.

When I was doing family tree research I met a number of distant relatives that were second cousins or the like that I just hadn't known before. Some my parents knew of, some not.

I've managed to create a friendship of sorts with a few of them, but none are as close as what cousins and siblings are usually. What I'm saying is you can go into it with an open mind.

Also? Do some research. See if he has social media. Does he have a job? I'd even consider looking to see if he has a criminal record, or is on a sex offender registry. No harm in looking around a bit before extending your hand for a handshake.

Frankly, I'd also do a search for his involvement in civil suits. Is he litigious? Is he in bankruptcy? Etc.

My cousin is adopted and he found his birth family thru dna test. Same story—his birth father had already died so he contacted his sisters. They said he must have never known he got a woman pregnant in college.

Do you have bad kidneys? You may want to contact him to increase your potential donor supply.

If your kidneys are healthy though, beware. He may end up asking for one of yours.

Echo R15’s suggestion to research him online first. My late uncle was a serial philanderer. His 2 kids have been approached by 3 half siblings so far. One was a Qanon loon who made their interactions hell. Then they cut off all contact.

What's the harm of it? I have little to no family (except my kids), my brother estranged himself from the family over 23 years ago because he's a selfish a-hole, no first cousins as my parents were both only children, and only one 2nd cousin i actually know (but have never met, we're FB friends and met because of DNA testing). I would kill to have more family.

If you meet him and you don't wish to pursue a relationship beyond your meeting, that's your choice.

After my father died a few years ago his best friend from high school told me my father had a son when he was 18 or 19.

He got a girl pregnant either right before or right after high school graduation but she didn't find out she was pregnant until after my dad left for college. This was in 1958 and like most places, unwed teenage mothers were pretty scandalous in small southern towns so she married a guy who looked like my father, as far as I know she never told her husband or her son and I was sworn to secrecy. I don't know his name or anything about him other than where he lived at the time of my conversation with my dad's friend.. He's nearly 20 years older than me and based on what my dad's friend said he's lived a happy life, I kind of hope he never uses a DNA testing service, I'd hate to have that bubble burst.

Go easy , hope it works out. But remember they have a different life experiences. It might be awkward, then again it might be great. But now that you know you might as well follow through and meet them or u will wonder the rest of your life.

I don't know if I'll ever meet my half sibling. I would like to, I think, but right now, I am being overruled by others in my family, and that's all I'll say about that.

But if you do meet him, treat it as a new friendship at first if you have a promising first meeting. You can't build a lifetime of connections in a day. It can be very emotional and I've seen news stories where some people connect right away, but if that doesn't happen right away, that's OK and normal too. It's a big change and a lot to take in.

People think that having siblings must mean that you'll be close but it often doesn't work out that way. I have siblings I grew up with but I'm not close to them at all although our relations are cordial. I think the chances must be about the same whether you'll get along with and can be close to a random stranger or not.

Ha! some new first cousin match showed up in Columbus. Uncle Joe made a pitstop there on his way to Cleveland.

He did indeed.

[quote] I don't know if I'll ever meet my half sibling. I would like to, I think, but right now, I am being overruled by others in my family, and that's all I'll say about that.

I would go ahead and meet my half-sibling, even if I were the only person in my family to do so. I don't think my family could "overrule" me.

Here's a picture book version of advice:

OP, I had similar result. I freaked because it said the match was half-sibling and this person was a name/face I didn't know although they looked like they could be a family member. I immediately messaged them saying I was confused by the result. We talked and what it turned out to be was my dad hooked up at a party around 20 years old, the girl told another guy she was pregnant, he said he was in a relationship, so she moved across country and gave the baby up for adoption after birth. He knew he was adopted and signed up for the ancestry site for health info. My dad was shocked to find out about the pregnancy. We all met a few years ago and still text every 1-2 months, it's cordial. Nothing bad happened. Reach out. You may make someone feel a little more complete.

Seems like it makes a difference if half-sibling was product of an extra-marital affair or whether it was from a relationship that predated everything.

I know it's not the child's fault, but I might feel different about the situation, depending on the circumstances.

[quote] I don't think my family could "overrule" me

In other circumstances I'd agree but let's just say, it's complicated. I would share the details but y'all would tell me it's an EST. We'll leave it at, it's complicated.

Well now, of course, you HAVE to tell us.

*sigh* This was a few years back....

A few months before this info popped up in my DNA results, my dad had a stroke and while he's somewhat lucid, his mind has diminished over time as has his body (he's got Parkinson's and a host of other issues.)

Overruled = sister is caring for dad (and a few other things on her plate, including a drug addicted child and caring for a grandchild, the kid of the aforementioned addicted hot mess) so throwing this in the mix felt overwhelming to her. She's also worried he may lay claim to our father's estate (it's not huge, but enough to provide for his care).

Oh, and another sibling is a bit of a Ted Kaczynski type (no crimes yet to our knowledge, just a weird ass that lives like a hermit), and our new half sibling was born two months before "Ted," so who the hell knows how he'd respond to that little nugget of truth.

I wish that was only a storyline on All My Children or an EST. Boy, do I ever wish.

Only the one, dear?

r25 - on Ancestry and 23, a first cousin may also be a half-nephew or half-niece.

My first matches showed up as first cousins, but it turned out that their mothers were both sisters (of mine).

I know when Joe was in Columbus.

Such an interesting thread... I don't have a half-sibling story to share, but one of my to-dos for 2022 is to complete the family tree/geneology and present what I find out to family for Christmas.

I am not doing this with an Ancestry account, providing all of my family history to a bunch of Mormons and the rest of the effing world.

I plan on telling family that if they want to enter all of the information I provide in their own Ancestry account, fine by me but it won't be me who opens up a potential door of half-siblings, loser cousins, second cousins and more.

BTW - if you want access to Ancestry but not set-up an account, your public library has a free version of Ancestry available on its computers for you to use.

And don't forget, the 1950 census information becomes available this year!

pop the champagne!

Sounds good, R36. Many years ago, my aunt did a family tree just using people's memories (no DNA).

I've never really been tempted to test my DNA / ancestry. For one thing, I don't trust all the conclusions re: ethnicity. I'm more trusting of the test results re: whether 2 people are genetically related. It seems like a can of worms, frankly, unless you're a child trying to locate your birth parents. (That could also be a can of worms, but IMO, an adopted child should be able to find out about his/her bio parents.)

R36 I am not pro or anti Ancestry, if you don't want to use it, don't.....but unless your family has spent most of its existence in a foreign country, your family information (save perhaps your immediate family) is already out there. Someone has it in their tree.

And don't take anything on Ancestry as gospel. You can have one person - say, a third great grandmother or some great aunt - on Ancestry in 10 different people's trees, but some might show different dates or birth, or birth place. Things get very confused if you have the same name in a tree. We had several people named Peter North (really) in our tree from the late 1800s and because of the similar names it's a bloody mess.

I have always told people when I work on Ancestry the process is like being a dentist. Ancestry's records are a really general snapshot like an x-ray. It gives you the format of what might be true. It can identify ancestors you didn't know. But after that, use your tools and records like birth/death records, obituaries, church records, etc. to find supporting proof.

Also, your lost half siblings etc would only find you if you did the DNA test.

An Ancestry family tree does not = Ancestry DNA results. Those are different things.

Thanks, R32. In that case, it does seem to make perfect sense NOT to reach out until after your father is gone.

My Ancestry.com DNA test shows that my mother has a half-brother she never knew about (she grew up as an only child). Out of 5,000+ matches, he shows up as my closest relative. I wrote to his daughter and we discussed it, but she refuses to believe it, she doesn't want to "let go" of the man she thought was her grandfather. So I haven't pursued it, which is too bad for my mom.

Wouldn't that man be her father, R42?

Or did you write to his granddaughter?

My cousins found out they had an older half-sister a few years ago and reached out to her. She was very grateful because her brother had died in childhood. She's also fantastic. She's a lawyer and mother of three married to a very nice man. So it worked out really well for them.

23&Me turned up 4 half siblings for me. One from my mom and 3 from my dad. I’ve talked to one on the phone - they contacted me. Not sure about going any further than that.

[Quote] My sister wants to contact this man

Why bother? I have half siblings I ghost. Genetic lines are overrated.