Somewhere in Bradley Cooper’s $13.5 million West Village townhouse is a sad drawer full of crumpled-up acceptance speeches that he’s never gotten to deliver.
Find them and you’ll see how the actor would’ve gotten all choked up in 2019 as he said that Lady Gaga changed his life forever while filming “A Star Is Born,” or that he planned to grip his statuette with machismo pride in 2015 and declare “American Sniper” director Clint Eastwood his rock.
But we’ve never had the pleasure of witnessing such moments.
Despite a mountain of acclaim, Cooper, 47, has not yet had the opportunity to “thank the academy” or the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which sort of put on the 2022 Golden Globe Awards on Sunday. The talented actor is turning into one of awards seasons’ biggest perpetual losers.
Over his career, he’s been nominated for three Globes for acting (“Silver Linings Playbook,” “American Hustle,” “A Star Is Born”) and one for directing “A Star Is Born.” Lost ’em all.
At the Oscars, he’s snagged four acting nods (“Silver Linings Playbook,” “American Hustle,” “American Sniper, “A Star Is Born”) and one for the adapted screenplay of “A Star Is Born.” Nada.
And his personal failure has infected his projects, too. None of the nominated best picture contenders he’s been a part of (“American Sniper,” “A Star Is Born,” “Joker”) took home the top Oscar or Globe.
Even worse, this year the Globes — which, despite their controversies, have become a decent prognosticator for the Oscars — snubbed Cooper entirely.
Perhaps it’s because the guy can be a jackass in interviews, or that his golden boy image was obliterated during press for “A Star Is Born,” when he grew a beard and cranked up his Hollywood pretentiousness to Joaquin Phoenix-on-David Letterman levels. But he is undeniably very talented.
Most expected he’d manage to make it into at least one Globes category this year for one of his two widely adored performances: as the leading man in Oscar-winning director Guillermo del Toro’s “Nightmare Alley” and a short but memorable supporting turn as Jon Peters in “Licorice Pizza,” which was nominated for a slew of other prizes.
“Nightmare Alley,” a captivating noir thriller that’s set in a sinister circus, is somewhat divisive, though most agree that Cooper is phenomenal in it and is giving a very awards-y performance.
His unhinged portrayal of Barbra Streisand’s ex Jon Peters in “Licorice Pizza” is a laugh riot.
He’s certainly way better than Kate Hudson was last year in that piece of garbage “Music” — and she got a Globes nomination.
But no dice for Cooper.
How the hell can this guy catch a break? In Hollywood, streaks good and bad tend to stick for a long time. Glenn Close has been nominated for eight Oscars and has never won. When Olivia Colman triumphed over Close’s stunning portrayal of a spouse with a secret in “The Wife,” the overall feeling was that her best tactic going forward would be to poison her competitors.
The late legend Peter O’Toole was also nominated eight times for an Oscar and never won.
Frances McDormand, Meryl Streep and Gary Oldman, on the other hand, could snag a Golden Globe or Oscar for a TikTok of them ordering a chalupa at Taco Bell.
Cooper, I’m afraid, could be destined to remain in the flop camp for all eternity. Though, as any Cubs fan knows, the impossible can happen. It just might take 108 years.