When was the last time you were "in love"?

Five years ago with my last lover. It was the first and only time I have been truly in love.

Well, the first love was a case of the right person at the wrong time. He had issues but resolved them down the track and is now happy with someone else. He contacted me recently but i thought it was a rabbit hole best left alone as the partner is besotted with him, seems nice and they have been together quite an amount of time now.

The second great love died of cancer early in life.

Yeah, i haven't had much luck.

All you can do is laugh at the twist and turns in life.

i don't think i will find love again. Maybe i am done with it.

i am content alone.

The last time I was really in love ended so tragically. Six years ago, I got my house back and moved in at 34. I start looking for roommates to pay my mortgage. The guy of my dreams shows up and I’m instantly smitten and he moves in and signs the lease. He was a 30 year-old lawyer with a background in music and theatre. He looked kind of like a cross between Ryan Gosling and Darren Criss (as a matter of fact, Darren Criss eerily reminded me of him when I watched “Versace”). I was just hopefully heartbroken over him. I loved the idea of settling down with him.

Unfortunately, a month later, I confide to the downstairs roommate, she blabs to the lawyer and tells him. He gets freaked out and moves out of my house in a very cold, cruel degrading way that left me devastated for the next few years. But I go all Elle Woods, do well on the LSAT, and get a very generous scholarship that covers two thirds of my tuition at law school.

After I’ve finished law school and passed the bar exam, I see him online on Grindr. I reach out to him, and he invites me to meet him at the hotel he’s staying at. I excitedly rush over to meet him and bring a bottle of wine. I am so happy I finally have another chance with this guy.

Unfortunately, I was not expecting the bizarre twist coming up. When I started talking with him, it was clear that he was suffering a psychotic breakdown. He was homeless, unemployed, was talking to invisible spirit entities. I couldn’t tell if he was ON drugs or OFF drugs. Apparently, he had been institutionalized earlier in the year.

I invited him to move back in with me temporarily until he was back to normal and functioning again. I also learned he had HIV. After being severely psychotic for a month, he finally apparently went back on his medication and started acting more normal. Things started to get a little romantic between us (not sexual), but then he decided he wanted to move out. He had unemployment, so he could afford an apartment, which I co-signed on.

Unfortunately, after he moved out, he fell off the bandwagon again and started acting goofy again, I don’t know if he was off medication or was doing meth. But his unemployment ran out and now I’m stuck covering his rent for the remainder of the lease. If he doesn’t check himself into a mental hospital, he will end up another mentally ill homeless person on the street.

I’m fed up with him now. What I fell in love with was just a facade. Inherently, he is a toxic person who hurts others, his family, people who try to help him. The sad thing, I wish I could have ended up with who he had appeared to be, because that is going to be an extremely tough act to follow.

R3 Wow, that is sad but it sounds like he is truly mentally ill or an addict so that *is* who he is - there is no perfect person and what presents itself initially doesn't necessarily tell you a lot about who the real person is.

I only have celebrity crushes these days.

Every day, honey.

R3 He never promised you a rose garden.

R3, I think you need to be told that you’ve not just wished this on yourself, you’ve chased it down and pinned yourself to it with utter determination. (1) never take on a roommate that you are ‘smitten’ with, and fantasise about having a relationship with. They are there to pay the rent, and you avoid complicating the situation, if you’ve got half an adult brain. (2) if you've fucked up on point (1), don’t go blabbing to another person under the same roof. And don’t be surprised when they don’t keep your secret, or when the unsuspecting target of your teenage obsession is cold, and moves out. They didn’t want to be your BF, they just wanted a place to live. (3) having fucked up both (1) and (2), don’t ever experiment with meeting the guy again, while imagining it’s some kind of ‘second chance’. What sort of ridiculous Teen Romance B-movie EST are you living in? (4) as you’re continuing your fuckwitted progress, don’t move the madman in with you, imagining you can Florence Nightingale his mental health and kindle some sort of romance. And don’t pretend any sane person wouldn’t see the only possible outcome of you guaranteeing his rent, when he moves out a second time. (5) most of all, don’t come here with your dreary, immature, unbelievable wittering about being ‘fed up’. You chose all this, you utter twat. Begone, with your nonsense.

Love is a social construct, like gender. You think Neanderthals fell in love? No.

R9 No, it is not a social construct, it is probably hormonally induced and produced by brain chemistry laboratory, but hell it can be real. I once felt it, long time ago and it was a very strong emotion. You are probably incapable of feeling it, so it is hard for you to understand it.

R3, you went to law school because of the roommate who flaked?

[Quote]Love is a social construct

Are you a serial killer, hun?

Now, today, this moment.

I used to think I was "in love" with a few people over time, but I really think it was either just a big crush, or I was just super comfortable and relaxed. But, who knows - maybe that's all love is.

Anytime I see people claim "Omg we are so in love" - it's always one of them claiming it a bit more than the other, then eventually the inevitable happens.

I loved myself last night, and stupidly got some cum on my clean sheets.

So many people have this fantasy of love in their heads. "Omg, my soulmate." Who made us think this? Disney? I feel bad for people that seem to just achingly spend their lives searching for their soulmate.

R8, I put the “GAY” in Florence NightinGAYle!

Anyway, love is generally not a rational thing. I’ve never been rational when I’ve been smitten with someone, but I’ve always been at a disadvantage in the situation.

R11, I had actually been contemplating law school before I met the guy. I had recently had to take an IP and Business law class in undergrad, and I had recently been on a jury in a civil lawsuit.

Before I answer, did the other person have to love me back?

R17 If I've read it right, you only knew this dude as a roommate for 1 month and you were in love with him? Christ, no.

R19 Never heard of love on first sight?

About 5 or 6 years ago. And a fair number of times prior, probably. Sometimes looking back at those you would think I was in love with, I kind of doubt now. “In love” is such an elusive thing: was it lust, was it infatuation, was it need… at the time it was “in love”.

R20 Bluntly that's more like limerance to me. If you don't truly know the person how can it be real love? And the original poster himself admits that he's over it, doesn't even like that person because they weren't what his fantasy/first impression was.

[quote]What I fell in love with was just a facade. Inherently, he is a toxic person who hurts others, his family, people who try to help him. The sad thing, I wish I could have ended up with who he had appeared to be, because that is going to be an extremely tough act to follow.

Just the one time, a few decades ago.

I was in love with who I thought he was, not who he turned out to be.

Never have been. Have attachment issues - run very avoidant because of childhood stuff. Not sure that I'll ever be able to really undo that shit.

Celebrity crushes though - like R5 said.

I'm sorry for your loss R2.

"Never have been. Have attachment issues - run very avoidant because of childhood stuff. Not sure that I'll ever be able to really undo that shit."

R24 = Freida Claxton

Once, and once was enough. I loved him so much I cried (and I am not an emotional person).

R3, it was meth all along, an addict looking to reel you in just poised in a nice package- I’ve met plenty of pseudo- professionals that seem to have everything going for them, but if you pull on that loose thread of their story or see things don’t quite line up over time- everything falls apart. The nonsexual part is likely because he needs the drug to have sex and is otherwise impotent. It’s the one thing no one discusses enough in sobriety.

Sadly meth addiction looks just like psychotic illnesses and those that are addicts lean in on this for support rather than admit meth addiction. You got off lucky. Long term, chronic abuse of the drug can render a person psychotic, unable to be happy, and completely delusional about their situation.

My brother distanced himself years ago when I was looking for support from him “I have to think of my family.”

Lmao R25 - you aren’t wrong

2008. Hopefully, never again, as none of these situations have ever turned out well.

I do, however, deeply love my little dog.

Twenty eight years ago I dumped gay bars and a gay hookup website in Los Angeles, because I couldn't find any marriage material. That included a college professor. In the end, I liked his ex wife better than him.

Then, I started looking in churches. I found Him in a gay church, MCC. He was giving the sermon that day. I fell instantly in love and proceeded to convince him I was the one. There was a lot of competition. I had both men and women to compete with.

Twenty six years later we are still sleeping in the same bed.

Mazel tov, R30!

Yes, a number of times, and when I fall I fall HARD. But there's only been one time when the person I fell for felt the same way and a relationship ensued. My relationships usually go the other way, with someone falling for me and me thinking, well, sure, let's try this.

Now for 31 years and still in love with this old man, we're taking it to the end it looks like.

Very sweet R31

I've been really in love twice. My first partner and I were together 13 years. Unfortunately he was an emotional mess due to his childhood. After trying for years, I finally ended it. It took me a long time to get over him.

I was single for nine years, then I met my current partner. We're still very much in love and have been together about nine years. It's a significantly better relationship than my first one.

This shoulda been a pole

Whatever in love means.

Dont think i have ever really been in love, thought i was but after 5 years it seems to vanish. What is wrong with me.

<- He said he loved you- or was he just being kind... or were you losing your mind?

Today at this very moment.

R40 You lucky sod.

It only happened twice and that was enough.

Happily and luckily, I found actual love and passion with my partner (rather than the "in love" fever that breaks) 42 years ago. As then, so now, except with a lifetime and understanding to draw from.

Still, now, as my breath begins to fail.

Never!

Not once yet at 43 but hopeful for a later-in-life surprise!

R45 Maybe you and I will meet.

Romantically, once. Terrible person. I was young (19) and freshly out the closet. I was easy prey.

I hope to be again, with much clearer boundaries.

It always seems to be the worst men that speak to me. The ones I like never do.

I was sick in love with a Jewish classmate in high school. I have a thing for Jewish men though I'm Italian myself. I was crazy about him, really sick in love with him but I loved him silently because I didn't know if he was gay.

It turns out he was but he felt no attraction towards me so he pulled away when a mutual friend told him. It hurt a lot. But that eventually passed as he now looks like every other bald middle aged Jewish man. To be honest I look no better.

"Love is a Battlefield"

"I can't Make You Love me, if you don't" I can't make you feel something you won't"

"I want You, I need You, but they're ain't no way I'm ever gonna LOVE You. Now don't be Sad, cause 2 outta 3 ain't bad"

R42 that's lovely. Please give us some advice. What has kept the love and passion alive for all those years? How did you meet? Tell us the story.

....

Gay men are always holding-out for a hot millionaire with a big dick (he never shows up).

^ true

I settled for the big dick.

And I for the millionaire.

My first real love was at 18, and my second and probably my last was from 2014 until he got married in 2018. It was so painful to be apart of his wedding I was suicidal after. I will not subject myself to that kind of pain ever again. He keeps in touch but I keep him at arms length.

[quote] When was the last time you were "in love"?

Friday

It’s been almost 9 years. I fell hard for a straight, married, co-worker (we only worked together for less than a couple of months) who was substantially younger. I was not out to him. Our chemistry was so great that he would talk to our colleagues of our “bromance.” During this time, I was briefly transferred to a different work location. When I moved back closer to him, he said, in a romantic voice, “Welcome home.” The one time we ran into each other in the bathroom, he said, seductively, “Fancy meeting you here.”

After our work association ended, we proceeded to go on “man dates,” as he would call them. Some at his invitation, some on mine. Unprompted, he would tell me how much he liked my looks, once saying that I was “pretty enough to be in front of the camera,” and then after telling him I had been bullied as a young person, he said, “Were they bullying handsome boys back then?” He knew that I thought he was handsome because once, in front of others, I told him I had screen-tested all the actors in Hollywood under the age of 30 to play him - we had a running dialogue about how our work situation could well be a setting for some tv or movie setting - & that none of them were good-looking enough to play him.

On one such excursion, to a restaurant, he told me that he & his wife had gotten into a terrible argument over the weekend & that he had to bite his tongue to remain married.” “And it’s Tuesday & I’m still married.” I didn’t want to pry into the marital home, so I didn’t ask for details. But thinking perhaps this argument might’ve been about me - his wife had insisted on meeting me prior to this point, & couldn’t have been more bitchy to me when we actually did meet - I couldn’t resist saying, “Well, the day is still young.”

We went for a walk after eating, & I pointed out the surrounding area as a nice place to raise a family. I was actually thinking about the possibility of the two of us having a family. He rather glumly said, “How did you know?” It didn’t hit me immediately but I later realized he was letting me know his wife was pregnant with their first child (&, again in hindsight, his reaction wasn’t one you would expect from a expecting first-time father).

We saw each other maybe a week later. When he arrived at our meet-up point (we were headed to a sporting event), his eyes lit up when he saw me. I had been concerned my comment at the restaurant might’ve been off-putting, but his reaction dispelled that. But things went south when I made some asinine comment about him going on man dates with other co-workers. “Why would you say that,” he asked, clearly hurt. When we parted that night, I could sense a change in our dynamics.

Immediately thereafter, his response to my contacts were rather curt, reinforcing my impression. I ceased contact. A couple of months later, he initiated some cherry email communication that lasted a couple of days, before the contact came to an end.

During our brief association - just shy of 6 months - I wrestled with whether this young, straight, married man just wanted to be my friend or had wanted something more. Because of our age disparity & his marital status, I didn’t act on my feelings. I shed many real tears over what the right thing to do was. I even thought then that I would know if his feelings mirrored mine if our “relationship” just suddenly ended, because, being the stand-up guy he was (“I’m a man of my word,” he would often say) he couldn’t continue to be in my company.

Not long after our last contact, my friend & his wife moved to another state. It’s been years now, but I still think of him all the time. He was even in my dreams last night. He was special.

To R57...WOW!!! That was alot of Fucking Drama. Seriously! I fell in LOVE with a man 15 yrs younger than me while travelling for work. We were "FUCK BUDDIES" and I knew it was wrong to feel something, but he was dorky& adorable with a great smile-bright blue eyes, great legs, Phat ass and 9-inch-thick donkey dick. He was an Exec Chef. He got passed my defenses. It never happened again.

What is love really? I asked a lot of married people if they are in love and all said they thought they were at the time. They thought that was what love was but in hindsight it was just lust, convenience, and that it was just time to get married. They love their husbands and children as family, but not romantic love.

So in essence they haven’t really experienced true love. But if everyone feels like that then maybe true love doesn’t exist. There is no soulmate. People just couple up out of convenience and love each other as family.

I'm still in love with the same guy I fell for about 40 years ago. But it's a relationship with the blinders off, and with charity (on both our parts) to draw a veil over each others' failings. Neither of us are saints, and there's something to be said for loving each other even when you've seen each other at one's worst.

Never have been, never will, never wanted it. Romantic love and relationships always felt unnatural to me. I’ve never been sure if I suffered some trauma as a child that I’ve blocked out, or if it’s just simply not for me. I’ve stopped caring why I feel this way. It just is.

Damn R57 (a) that was really well written and (b) I was reading that hoping you two would end up fucking. Or at least making out. Drama indeed. What a mindfuck that must have been for you. I’m glad he ended up moving away with his pregnant frau wife - even though the dynamic had shifted - it’s easier having him out of sight.

Oooof.

I'd say it was 1999-2000.

Never again. The pain was excruciating.

I'm fifty-eight, it was my last attempt and I've been so much more peaceful since.

I fell in love and the guy fell out of love with me. It took me years to get over and I’m happily married now and will just say this-

Most of what we initially fall in love with we are missing in ourselves and seeking “the other half”. This is WRONG. If you come from a broken family like I did, or with no support like most gay men, you’re seeking stability, comfort and normalcy. We also tend to fashion our relationships as our parents did, I am very much like my mom, a pushover, and that didn’t serve me well when I was younger. We also remember only selectively good things about people we loved fiercely, there were plenty of shortcomings I forgot over a donkey dick, bubble butt or a beautiful face smiling back at me. I’ve dated some astonishingly gorgeous men, including a Versace model.

After my heartache, I had about three years at my peak I was stunning and people fell in love with me but for the beauty, not especially what was inside. That takes work. Your days of beauty are numbered, and when I hit 40 I kind of gave up seeking love and learned how to love myself.

20 years later I fell in love again and took a LOT of what I learned to cobble together a relationship that works. I’m happily married, he’s a wonderful husband but it works because WE KEEP IT REAL. He’s also my best friend. We share each other’s lives, not complete them. We complement each other’s strengths, but don’t keep score.

Relationships are more like a complicated waltz that you both learn together over time than a beauty pageant. If you lean too far into beauty, you risk growing old alone.

R65: that was great advice/experience to hear: thank you for sharing. I’m similar to you but at the 40 part of your story. I’ve been in love a few times and they’ve all loved me back thankfully at some point but some have also fallen out of love at some point, including one recently that I’m working to get over. I don’t think I want to go through that ever again though so I’m at the start of the focus-on-me years. When I fall I fall hard and it can be exhausting.

When looking back at some of the people I have fallen for, but not necessarily in love with, it always seemed like they possessed some quality that I thought I lacked in myself.

A search for what is missing in myself. In hindsight it is ridiculous to think that somehow being in their orbit automatically fills that missing piece.

R65 thank you for sharing - I really enjoyed reading that

R65 here again, I’ve shared this story before.

I was simply dating my husband and enjoying it, not taking it that seriously. A friend had asked me to help her move, and we were shoving her sleeper couch up a staircase and it popped out and split my lip, blood everywhere.

My date absolutely freaked out, went running down the street hysterical looking for help, and suddenly watching him, these two thoughts shot off like a lightbulb in my head- 1. “Wow this guy really LOVES me!”, and

2. “I could spend another 20 years looking and I won’t find someone like him.”

R16 call him!!!!!!! He was into you and you were wayy too careful and overthinking. Be more assertive! Look him up! OMG, I'm really invested in your story now

I meant R57, Idk why i said 16

Thanks for the encouragement. R70/71. But if I was tentative about being the active cause of a break-up in a marital relationship that didn't include children, I certainly couldn't be responsible for taking a father away from his child(ren). I certainly would be interested in seeing how things would be so many years later, but it would have to be at his initiative. Because either he or his wife (or both) wanted out of the marriage.

Sorry. I forgot to post my name at R46.

You ever get to Milwaukee, stud?

R57/72, children are much happier outside an unhappy marriage - I can tell you that from experience. Ultimately, it's not your decision if he leaves his wife - it's up to him and you don't know what is happening in that family. Maybe he's thinking about you. Find him and find out.

20 years ago. He *very* cruelly dumped and insulted me. For about a year I had thoughts of driving into a tree or a pole. I had to start taking psychiatric medications. I started to think if I was alone and lonely, he would be, too. I hoped he was and yet I still cared for him. Be careful of the words you say, they can ruin someone's life.

All these years later, R70/71/74, I forgot to add a piece of the puzzle that caused me to pump the brakes on any inclination I might've had to be more aggressive. After our exchange which led me to say that the day was still young, he did say, "I don't want to do anything today that I'd regret for the rest of my life." I was of two minds on hearing this. One, I could see he was committed to his then-2-year old marriage (btw, they met in college, where both were on athletic scholarships, & married at the age of 25). On the other hand, I couldn't help but not see his response as a less than full-throated endorsement of his (exclusive) heterosexuality.

I also failed to note two prior events of some note to me at the time. Once, when still working together, he came up to me to tell me something. I was so lost in thought about him, that I didn't hear a word. But when his lips stopped moving, I, in my foggy state, just smiled at him & said, "Hi (insert first name)." With that, he visibly blushed. On another occasion, after he initiated a hug - outside the car where his wife sat waiting - he responded with a quietly audible "Wow" when I went in for a full embrace.

R57/72

R76 call hiiiiiiim! This is true love, don't ruin both your lives ffs!!! Stupid caution!

Now you are not going to believe me but it's true but I consider myself 99% homosexual. I fell in love with a straight Italian guy and we had a real bromance. He had been studying english in NY and we met on the subway. I guess he was a bit lonely. He returned to Italy I would visit him in there and as he was still unmarried I would stay with his family and they were so kind to me I felt horrible. He had a great smile and when I would arrive at the train station he would smile at me with a glow that made me feel I could die happily at that moment. He met a woman and they married and we liked each other. They came to stay with me in NY and I would visit them at their place in Italy.

As we got older they saw I had no intention of marrying and had no girlfriends. When are you bringing a fidanzata to Italy? Like never I thought to myself. Now this is the strange part. Really strange. I started developing sexual feelings for her. Really I found her very sexy. When they stayed with me in NY she wore a very short sexy nighty in the evenings which would drive me crazy. Was I transferring feelings for him to her? I had a married fuck buddy for years and had no attraction to his wife. This Italian wanted to visit me when I lost a job but because he was not bringing her I told him not to bother. He lost the deposit on his ticket which I didn't know about till much later. Any way the last time they came to NY about a year or two before covid they brought their two sons. I had no desire to get together with them when they were a family and instead went to stay at my parents' house in Florida. They were expecting to see me (they didn't say this but after the fact I assume they did)and I thought why? Anyway they became very cold to me and so our relationship ended which was for the best. I still and always will miss them.

[quote] Anyway they became very cold to me and so our relationship ended

Geez, I wonder why? You ghosted them twice and made him lose his deposit. And people wonder why gays are bitches.

I admit I am a very shallow person. I was very much unloved as a child and I am empty inside. I hate it about myself but one cannot force feelings that are not there. I acted like a shit and fully own it. I have apologized but they are pretty much we don't care anymore. How can I blame them?

Do they know you’re a gay?

If they don’t, please don't tell them. The rest of us have enough shit to deal with.