Long Term Relationship Problem - What do I do?

[quote]can I rewire myself?

No. You're wired to be dissatisfied.

Write out your own, thoughtful, honest-with-yourself list of pros and cons for ending this current long-term relationship. It sounds like the current setup is too much to juggle. People change, OP. It's perfectly normal to drift apart. You are not the same person at 33 that you were at 18. The degree to which you change, or at least the rapidity, slows down as you get older, but between 18-33 - that's a big span of morphing into a young adult.

Does love with sacrifices outweigh your freedom? Where do you see you and your current partner a year from now? 5 years from now? 10 years from now? Is this new side gig truly someone that could be a life partner? If not, does it matter? Hooking up is fun, of course, but can you hook up and maintain a solid relationship?

Write out your own thoughts about your entire situation. But, be brutally honest with yourself. You might sugarcoat stuff for the current partner or the hookups or even close friends. But don't do that to yourself. These are big big decisions.

Speak to your imam. When I faced a similar dilemma I did, and I felt much better for it.

You are old enough at 33 to know by now, that there will always be "potentially something better" - but, at what cost? Is the something else truly better, or just different?

DO.NOT.HAVE.KIDS. Without question, you are asking for a fuckton of added lifelong complications by having children in a situation that already sounds a little unstable. This will ruin everything. Seriously. That would be a hugely selfish, regrettable move - and setting these kids up for chaos.

You're a whore, darling...

Kidding, put a fork in it, at 18 you were too young to settle down and now those chickens have come home to roost. Time to go your separate ways so both of you can find others more suited to who you are now.

I get it, I've been there, it's better to separate now then later. It'll be less painful for both of you

You're a whore Darlin.

No seriously you are. You want this new guy, but you also know you will be whoring with him like your current one. Already planning that out in your head. So stop lying to yourself that you are some kind of relationship oriented dude. It's clear as day that you want out of your current relationship, making it boring to be with him so you have an excuse to play around and exit the relationship. You are just afraid to cut the strings, you want your cake and to eat it too.

Man up. End your current relationship and set that guy free so he can find someone that truly loves him. Then accept that you are a whore and do that if you want. But stop trying to tell new guys your into relationships when clearly you are not. You like playing around and that's ok but stop pretending you want more when it's obviously not a real priority to you. It's more of an afterthought.

I settled down when I was 33, as well. I got tired of being alone, so I just settled. Have been with the same partner for 34 years and it's been a wild ride. You can't pretend to be happy and get away with it for very long. Go with your heart, even if it breaks everyone else's. You have to find/follow your own truth.

R2, thank you. I've been in therapy since the summer but I'll take your advice and try this today.

R4 - the "at what cost?" is what I'm dwelling on now. Even the new guy says I already have so much and so much going for me. I should be happy. Is "happy enough" enough?

R7, do you mean you settled for someone but are dissatisfied with aspects of them/the relationship but that it's still worth it?

[quote]We have a house, a dog, good careers, and are discussing kids

Listen to R4. Do NOT bring innocent kids into your drama.

Your long-term partner deserves better.

Don’t have kids. Please.

Cut your partner loose. You probably won’t, but you should.

OP sounds selfish and oblivious to how his actions will affect others.

[quote]He would never in a million years want an open relationship.

And yet you cant live without out. Your relationship will end in tears. Both of them.

R13, that's the problem. I don't want to destroy my current partner, but is it egotistical of me to just assume he'll fall apart without me. In many ways we work but almost as if we'd have been better as friends - same interests, similar sense of humour. My family loves him and his family treat me great as well.

[quote]I've a feeling I might have BPD with how intensely I feel things and the recklessness of my sex life at times, but that's another story.

Have you thought about seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist and being evaluated? Untreated BPD will sabotage every relationship in your life.

R14, I'm borderline to the point where I want to not want one. I wish I hadn't the desire to fuck and get fucked by many guys. But then in the moment it's great.

R16, I'm in the UK and unsure of the first steps to being diagnosed.

Careers are irrelevant here. You can figure out how to co-parent a dog. The real problem is that you and he want different things. A lot of open relationships are like yours--one person wants the open part more than the other and gets more from it. Ultimately these kinds of relationships become "closed" (usually to the annoyance of someone like you) or they end. There will be tears and it's unclear whether you are avoiding that end for yourself or your partner (hint: I think you're really avoiding your own discomfort and your own fear of being alone---you've had the security of always having your partner). Unclear whether you've been open about your difficulty getting aroused or whether your partner is oblivious or pretends not to notice. Discussing kids tells me that you're both a little oblivious to the elephant in the room.

Is your partner your same age? Or older or younger? You sound like the assertive one, but it's not clear what other imbalances there are.

You both seem to be holding to something and acting like it must last forever. Breaking-up will be devastating, but it's probably what you need to grow-up. Hopefully you can remain friends and "learn from the experience" but it might take a while for that to happen esp. if you have property to divide. There is a slim chance that you could rediscover why you were in love in the first place but that's Lifetime movie territory and I wouldn't count on it.

You're a selfish greedy cunt. Not once did you say you love your partner, so that's your answer. Leave. But be warned, the grass isn't always greener.

"that's the problem. I don't want to destroy my current partner, but is it egotistical of me to just assume he'll fall apart without me."

He'll be fine and probably one day, with his new partner, look back and laugh wondering what he ever saw in you

R18, he's just a year younger than I am. He's aware of maybe not the arousal issue but that we don't have much sex. Sometines I tell him that I'm hooking up with someone thar day and he'll say something like "when's it my turn to get fucked" but in a sort of playful way. I think he just doesn't want to upset me because I've always been a bit of an emotional person (depression - much worse a few years ago, no longer medicated)

I second the person who said don't have kids. OP you care too much about getting a diagnoses. Getting officially diagnosed with something isn't going to help your fucked up relationship. I'm close to your age and I went through a similar phase where I was convinced that I had some type of major mental illness. I realized that I was just unhappy with my life and looking for some label to help explain why. Deal with the big problem in front of you (lack of satisfaction) and then get mental healthcare if you want.

[quote] [R7], do you mean you settled for someone but are dissatisfied with aspects of them/the relationship but that it's still worth it?

No, I mean I found someone who I couldn't figure out why I wouldn't want to make it work. All my boxes were ticked and I just had to figure out why wouldn't I want this person in my life? Prince Charming wasn't coming, so I got his brother. Sure, there are ups and downs when I think I could have done better. But, then I look at him and think, 'he could have done better, too'.

Some people never settle down. If you are one, fine. If not, perhaps it's time to soften your demands. Let love happen. Relax, respond... it seems to be what ordinary people do.

Agree with R19.

And Jesus Christ - you’re considering having children? While you’re out banging half the UK and he’s at home struggling to keep the weight off and hoping you’ll want him? Great idea.

Some people settle down and basically spend decades making excuses for why they don't end their dysfunctional relationship. Don't do that.

I second the diagnosis thing and I work in an area related to mental health. Psychiatric diagnostic categories are, at best, descriptive and the the ones you can treat with meds are a matter of trial and error. You don't need a diagnosis. You need to stop making excuses.

Cliche.

Cliché

God OP you sound like so much hard work. If your partner had any sense he’d dump you.

Karma being played out here. You already had a great thing, but not the inclination to truly appreciate it. You're selfish and self-centered, primarily geared toward achieving and maintaining your own sense of satisfaction. Subconsciously, you're working toward releasing your partner from the relationship because deep down you know that you're the problem, and he deserves better. Being the self-centered brat you are, however, you're consciously finding fault with him to fit your devised plan.

In short, you're in self-sabotage mode, and you actually should be, which brings us back to karma.

You know full well that your person loves you and he's never been truly okay with your selfish arrangement though he complies to keep the relationship alive. You secretly despise him for this, and pity his seeming lack of self respect, even though you get a twisted kick from turning the knife on him each time. The problem is not him. It's you, and you've always been acutely aware of the fact.

Being eighteen years old when the relationship began offers little excuse for your wanton behavior because you were simply a natural born whore to begin with. Wanting to have your cake and eat it too ran its course long ago as you neither want to eat or have it now.

You will sacrifice your severely tried, yet true relationship just to ho it up with nary a concern for your partner's deserved sense of dignity - again, profoundly selfish and self-centered. In the end you'll wind up with your one, try love alone which is YOURSELF!

Have a nice day.

Jeez r29! Don't hope back on your judgments and opinions, babe! Make everyone cry.

OP, you are too young to live in that old people's marriage. Be with the new guy as long as it lasts. When you're older you regret more the things yo've missed than the things you have done.

Okay, I'll play along as if this is real.

OP, your "partner" should smother you in your sleep.

No judgement here, R30. I was being helpful. I'll take the awful truth each and every time over the most well intentional lie.

- R29

You're a whore. And that's a good thing. I would have been one had I been attractive as a youth because my sex drive was through the roof. You're still young enough to gather the rose buds while ye may so be fair to the guy, end the relationship and have a helluva time. Settle down later. You were too young to get into a long term relationship.

"OP, your "partner" should smother you in your sleep."

Hey, maybe a little asphyxiation play might help

Everyone is assuming OP is selfish, maybe the partner is lazy and has just used OP as a pretty, easy hole/top for the last two decades and never really cared about what OP wants or needs. We assume that sexual satisfaction and romance aren't important in a relationship- they truly are. OP isn't some hausfrau designed to make his partner's life easy. He has needs too.

You need a cognitive behavioral therapist.

Don’t listen to haters. You’re only human. Just get it sorted out with logic.

Should I even be entertaining getting with the new guy, or just ending this one and being on my own?

Is there anyone here who sees the current relationship as salvageable? The new guy is great but also incredibly insecure - he'd always think i'm out fucking other guys even if i tried to change. And for good reason. He's also 26 so there's the whole "am I doing this just for a younger guy" - we don't actually have a ton of anal sex together, but our chemistry is off the charts

Why even be in a relationship if you don't have the maturity to be committed? What are you a forest animal with no self control?

But then your partner is just as stupid as you for staying with you considering you're fucking everything you can get your hands one. Maybe he'll mind if you come home one day with a gift neither of you expected to be giving or receiving. If you're not using condoms then every time you have sex with your partner he's having sex with every guy you have sex with.

[quote] No judgement here, [R30]. I was being helpful. I'll take the awful truth each and every time over the most well intentional lie.

'Truth' and 'being helpful' is objective to the beholder. However, with statements such as 'you know full well', and 'you will sacrifice' ~ your debate is also pretentious and arrogant, as well as judgmental and rude. The word 'helpful' only comes to YOUR mind, dearest r29.

OP, what don't you understand here? You've already charted your own relationship destiny, so it's high time you get on course! Your karma, which you generated in and of your own free will, dictates that you are to experience the same pain and frustration that you put your current partner through all this time. Therefore, I would emphatically encourage you to release your current guy in favor of the younger stud so that karma can be played out/rendered to you. Get it over with!

- R29

Struck a nerve, R30? Haha

R29: your mix of psychobable with watered down Buddhism is just tedious Not R30; just someone with training in psychology and an actual Buddhist.

Op, seems like you are growing up Sweetie, and it's time to stop playing in the sandbox of life. If you don't gauge yourself, you will burn out faster. This may be a good time for you to do some realistic future planning. Look deep inside and see what you want, and also see if it is too much trouble to create it at this time in your life. Be realistic. Sound like you gotta sort out your priorities in life. Only you know those. Or, if you don't by now, it's time to start looking harder.

[quote]Is there anyone here who sees the current relationship as salvageable?

Please don't subject your partner to your half-hearted attempts to reestablish some sexual connection with him while you're simultaneously off banging others. End this relationship and let him move on to a better match, and you to a life of endless conquests.

I’m kind of exhausted just reading OP’s post. You sound like hard work but I commend your honesty and self awareness. This comes down to values I think—just how much do you value your current relationship, and do you value sleeping around more? The open relationship thing never worked for me, because it’s like only being “half in”, whereas I think for a relationship to work you need to go all in and put in the work it takes. I don’t know if you really want to do that, but it seems unfair to your partner if you aren’t. I’d hate to end up feeling I was someone’s pet rather than a life partner who was passionately loved and wanted.

*shrug* Coddle the offender and disregard the innocent party. Rinse/repeat. OP will not learn the incredible life lesson associated with his particular situation. I'm happily at odds with anyone unable to recognize the validity of my sage advice to OP, wisely aware that those who challenge it likely share a personality trait or two or TEN with OP.

Honorable intention, self sacrifice, commitment, and true love, OP. You take that into your next relationship after honoring your karmic debt. The key to a successful, loving and enduring relationship is selfLESSness. You cannot put yourself first and neither can he. You concentrate on fulfilling one another's needs first and in that way you're both covered, having covered one another. And hey, it's an extraordinaryily beautiful thing when it happens.

Best of luck to you and especially your soon to be Ex, pal.

-R29

R49 Why don't you release yourself from your karmic debt and stop being a jerk?

OP here - I don't think R29 is being a dick at all

R19’s comment is telling….and op only talks about changing his behavior for the fb, not his partner, who deserves better than someone who only thinks of himself. Do your partner a favor and end this, even if he doesn’t see it as such immediately. Op, look back on this thread in the far future and you will see r29 as prophetic…

OP, I'd classify you as an embryo narcissist. And that's being kind. You vividly describe your trash life choices, the abuse you subject your partner to. Then you ask what to do? I'd say go fuck yourself. Besides, your thread is poorly written. I don't believe one word of it. I think you posted it and you're replying to yourself and checking in to get a thrill out of the other replies. I mean the ones you didn't post and your girlfriends didn't post.

And you thought you could deceive people, didn't you? It's not working, honey.

R53: You don't know OP, only what he's told us. I'd skip the labels. They're not helpful. R29 may mean well but really they need a very thorough enema and some real empathy which is more Buddhist than the mumbo jumbo they keep spouting.

Yuk. I feel sorry for the new guy. If any of this is true. And if it is, do NOT get more involved with the new guy, who does NOT want a whore like you are. Why don't you break up with the boyfriend and be a good and greedy whore for a decade. you have a lot of time from 33 to 45 and they are great years for being a whore - you can fuck UP in age, and DOWN in age. Yours is the perfect age for whoriness. Enjoy!

OP you strike me as someone likely to be unhappy with whatever you end up deciding. I guess my advice would be to concentrate on what’s undermining your emotional health rather than framing it as a sexual dilemma. I don’t think this actually has much to do with who you’re fucking and who you’re going home to.

OP, you are manufacturing your own problems. I was only in a relationship for a MONTH at 25 and it ending is simply detrimental to my spirit of living. Finding out my 31-year old boyfriend was whoring behind my back, because he wouldn’t delete Grindr for me, was plenty enough to keep me awake at night.

I want a true love, I am totally not interested in hooking up. I want a real boyfriend. I’m ‘That Girl’ and I’m looking for my Donald, for fuck sake. I’m having a bad day and I’m sorry, I’m just telling it like it is. Stop making problems, let your longtime relationship end and just try to both find new love. 33 is still quite young, yet slowly approaching towards the land of eldergay.

So many genuinely helpful comments here.

Some of the others - a few very bitter, lonely people who were not able to sustain relationships and just never tried again - lashing out at OP, projecting their own misery. I hope things improve for those few.

Lol R58 - you are calling us out for not "sustaining relationships" when OP has been whoring himself all over the UK for years while his longterm partner tries to lose weight and asks him about having children? And OP can't even get hard enough to fuck the partner unless he pre-games with porn?

If that horseshit counts as "sustaining a relationship" then I don't know what to tell you.

I'm neither lonely nor bitter - just think that OP sounds like a beautiful whore (no judgment there - have fun OP!) and I'm unclear why he won't end this bullshit relationship he's been trapped in since the age of 18. You're only 33 OP. There is time to meet someone else. And this guy would probably take you back in 6 months if you change your mind.

OP/navel gazing narcissist type is a fair assessment I think

We have similar stories OP. I took stock of my relationship and realized I had someone who loved me no matter what. When I was heavier and no on wanted to look at me he didn't care and still gets turned on by me to this day. It just clicked in my head. I found the spark I lost. I had someone who loved me that much and I was willing to fuck it up over what? A chance? IF you truly are not happy let him go, but it sounds like you want to keep the relationship. Work on it yourself. Ask yourself is every hook-up worth losing this man?

Thank you r61. You said that very well. For me, there was an instant moment when I realized that my partner really didn't care who I was, he just wanted to be with me and whoever I thought I wanted to be for the rest of our lives. Simple as that. For our 33rd Anniversary, he made me a card which said, "You are my greatest Adventure! All my love then, now and forever!" I mean who else writes ME stuff like that? You want that kind of stuff? You're old enough to figure it out.

Cruel OP. Cruel !!!! I hope your partner kicks your worthless ass to the curb an finds himself a good and decent man. Karma is coming for u OP, it comes for everyone so staighten out your messes people.

R62 that's lovely.

[quote] For our 33rd Anniversary, he made me a card which said, "You are my greatest Adventure! All my love then, now and forever!" I mean who else writes ME stuff like that?

I'll say it to you, r62. You're one in a million, and our Greatest Adventure!

LOL - you're a whore darlin'.

Stop trying to make it any more than it is. You want to hookup with other guys but are selfish enough to want the stability of having a bf sitting at home waiting for you.

Also, you should probably admit that deep down inside, you're hoping to find someone better, but don't are such a narcissist that you can't stand the idea of being alone while looking.

There's nothing wrong with hooking up, and you're in an open relationship although it sounds like you manipulated him into agreeing. Your anxiety stems from the fact that you have such deeply ingrained ideas about right and wrong, so need to self-flagellate over your own hypocrisy.

OP are you Marlon Brando? Are you also fucking women and goats?

And karma doesn't exist. Except when it does.

"Similar to the open thing, I always seem to get my way and take the lead..."

Honey, if you always get your way, either your partner is a total submissive or you're abusive. Which means you get your way because your partner is afraid to say "no" to you, and it doesn't necessarily mean you hit your partner. It could mean you bully, lie, or manipulate, which is known as "emotional abuse", or you have made it impossible for your partner to leave, which is known as "financial abuse".

How old was your partner when you got together, if you were 18? How old is he now? Because he deserves better than this.

[quote] "You're a whore Darlin."

I'm glad it didn't take long for someone to say this. I wanted to be the one, but R6 really followed through. So kudos, on that.

Also, going from reading R5 (polite yet direct), to reading R6 had me laughing out loud.

To sum up all the previous replies - Your current relationship is over. Please do your partner the kindness of cutting him free. He will try to talk you out of it and will try to convince you this relationship can be saved. It cannot, so be kind but be firm. It's the most decent thing you can do, for both of you. Children will not make this relationship better so don't even let the conversation go in that direction. Let your partner keep the dog.

FYI - This thing with the "new guy" is not a one-off thing. When it ends, and it will, there will be another bright shiny trinket which will catch your eye down the road. And another after that.

The fact that you recognize you have a problem in your current relationship is a huge first step. Now follow through. Make it your New Year's resolution.

Here's my 2 cents:

People who enter into marriage or a relationship with the expectation of monogamy, then later fuck around on the side are truly selfish. They want all the benefits of a long-term partnership without putting in the work. They get the approval of society by being perceived as a responsible, stable, and mature partner. They have someone to come home to, someone to cook and clean for them, someone who'll look after them when they're sick or feeling down, someone who will put up with their bullshit. They also have more financial security with the combined incomes. Yet what they give in return to their faithful partner is negative: suspicion, worry, jealousy, unhappiness, and STDs.

I say this as someone who has witnessed gay and straight friends deal with this kind of fuckery.

I'm not referring to couples who are in agreement with open relationships. At least they're honest and established the ground rules. You snuck around and lied to your partner repeatedly, OP. It's often been said that the lying is worse than the actual cheating. You're not a kid anymore. And you are habitually dishonest.

[quote]strangers have come up to say how great we look together.

Well, isn't this revealing? It further shows that you value a false presentation over an honest reality. Do not ask your new fuck buddy to be in a relationship because you don't sound like you want to change. Eventually, you will cheat on him, too.

Cut your partner loose if you're no longer attracted to him. You should've done it years ago, but you're selfish and in denial of that selfishness. He deserves to move on and have the opportunity to be with someone who really cares. If you wish to continue your present behavior, do it as a single man. Just remember, there's a time limit. You won't be able to engage in this shit so easily after your looks and your health fade.That might come sooner than you think.

Completely agree with the other posters: DO NOT HAVE KIDS. You will mess up their lives. You aren't bothered that you hurt others while in constant pursuit of self-gratification. What a terrible example you'd be setting.

^ Cheating isn't a deal-breaker, but dishonesty is

What a shame your long-term partner doesn't dump your selfish and shallow ass right now--- but he actually loves you. You can do him a kindness and tell him it's over, and he'll be hurt--- but he will recover and move on and find someone who actually gives a shit about him, someone who won't put him through this open relationship farce which he consented to only for YOUR happiness.

Anyway, he's not getting any younger after all, and frankly neither are you---but unlike him, your eyes and dick will always wander. You'll never be satisfied.

To think you would want to drag innocent kids into your selfish, loveless and superficial life--it truly boggles the mind.

Does anyone know any couples who got into relationships at 18 and lasted longterm?

Seems crazy to me but would be lovely if it worked out?

Your long-term partner needs a Psychiatrist to help him understand why he's a doormat for a shallow whore.

My guess, OP, is that if you do break up with both guys, and simply embrace the path of 'fun and slutty', which is a perfectly reasonable place to go, you are really going to have a hard time getting it up for the tricks who do come over. I think you like the game more than the sex. If you are just a solo player, the game is very very different.

If you go solo, keep that in mind, and take it slowly, so you can truly be independent, and mindful with your fun - and not have it be at the expense of someone else, which is a power trip that you have found yourself playing with instead. Guess what - that ain't independence. You haven't really earned the open relationship you've been enjoying.

A truly healthy open relationship does not feature the dynamics you presented in your OP. There is consideration, understanding, 'agreeing to a no', communication, and care for the partner beyond what you are talking about.

I think OP's loquacity is her major problem. Just talk less, and fuck more, OP.

OP, you are extremely messed up and you're the sort who messes up other people.

My guess is - the OP feels like he settled. Usually, these people date some hot people early on and then ended up in an LTR with someone they think of as below their standard. They then constantly cheat to reaffirm they are just as hot as they think they are and that they still "got it." It's all about the OP and has nothing to do with the partner he has. He needs to figure out chasing a standard in his head is stupid. He found someone who loves him no matter what. Let's see if these one-night stands stick by him if he gets fat, or loses his job. Wake up OP. You got the perfect man, live up to his expectations. Not yours.

This sounds like another toxic relationship.

Not a word about how he loves his current partner, but oh how exiting to hear he looks good as a couple with his new fuck buddy. Can you be any more shallow than that?

Hon, you deserve every bit of the chaos and inner turmoil that you've created for yourself.

Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.

Sounds like OP appreciates his partner for the things the partner can bring to OP's life. OP seems to view partner as something utilitarian, like a washer / dryer. Yes, partner sounds like a doormat who needs help, himself.

OP lives in the UK and is "unsure of the first steps to being diagnosed." It's simply not a priority.

OP likes that he "looks good" with new prospect when they're out together and now wants to be monogamous with new prospect. I don't see that happening.

OP is your husband on prep or you use condoms the infrequent times you fuck?

R80!!!! You absolute fucking GENIUS!!!!

Slightly off topic. Its 2022, about 100 years after marriage shifted from female ownership to romantic partnership (in the U.S. at least) and we still don't make it clear that one of the most important components is sex drive parity. It can change later but some people want to fuck every day, some are happy with it once per week. Those people probably shouldn't be married, unless they have an arrangement.

point i wanted to make is that in many cases, couples in open relationships think its a problem when one is very, very sexually active outside the relationship and the other never takes advantage of it and doesn't care what the other is doing. It's not a problem. They've already found their solution.

[quote]one of the most important components is sex drive parity.

I don't think parity is the issue here. It wouldn't matter if OP's bf had sex with him six times a day, OP's still interested in getting strange.

[quote]. . . when we've been out together strangers have come up to say how great we look together.

You are a narcissist, darlin' (with borderline tendencies.)

WHORE.

[quote] Sometines I tell him that I'm hooking up with someone thar day and he'll say something like "when's it my turn to get fucked" but in a sort of playful way.

What about this situation, though? When a partner in the open relationship is not getting his "turn" to get fucked? Seems to defeat the whole point of an open relationship.

Some really perceptive comments here, some of you guys are a lot more life savvy then I would of thought, but don't be surprised if the OP has already checked out, because this discussion certainly isn't going the way he thought it would

Op, are you even here?

[quote]]one of the most important components is sex drive parity

Says who? It's irrelevant. Arranged marriages were for wealth and status. Other relationships based on love were about taking care of each other no matter what, AKA sacrifice, including the whims of your sex drive. Parity is only really important if the relationship is primarily based on sex and everything else is secondary. AKA fuck buddies.

[quote] I would of

It's "I would have." There is no such phrase as "I would of" in English

Oh, dear....

OP, do keep us updated with what happens with this situation. We're still interested.

-R29

OP here. Thanks everyone for the responses - I'm still poring through them. I've been discussing the situation with my friends and am looking at bringing up couples therapy to my partner. The other guy and I have had many long talks this week and even if things were to change with my current relationship, agree that the two of us would never work long term. Even if I agreed to monogamy, the level of (well deserved) mistrust he would have in me wouldn't work long term.

With the current partner, I realise I've treated him terribly. What I want to find out is what aspects of things I introduced to the relationship does he genuinely enjoy. We've had some great group sex, and he does chat to other guys, so it's possible he likes the open thing to an extent. I always seem to be the leader/instigator of things and it's difficult to know what our relationship would look like if he was in the driver's seat.

Thanks for coming back OP

[quote]With the current partner,

This. He doesn't deserve you. Treat him well as you exit the relationship with your tail between your legs, as you should.

You are already out of the relationship. You are just looking for excuses to move the way you already have decided on. It would be the kindest thing to just have a real conversation with your partner... and if true, telling him how much you've gotten by loving him. .... and if true, telling him you want to work out how to continue to friends. ... and if true, if you have an idea you want to build a life with this new guy ABSOLUTELY DON'T SAY ANYTHING... because the new guy is just part of the mess at this point, and there's no reason to hurt your partner more than necessary.

I think he should tell him about the new guy. Breaking up like "it takes tow to tango" BS puts a lot of the fault on his boy friend when it's really undeserved. If he tells him there's another guy, at lest next time his current guy will not let someone push him into an open relationship so easily and walk all over him. It's obvious he didn't want that, just did it to make the OP happy.

[quote]I've been discussing the situation with my friends and am looking at bringing up couples therapy to my partner. What I want to find out is what aspects of things I introduced to the relationship does he genuinely enjoy. We've had some great group sex, and he does chat to other guys, so it's possible he likes the open thing to an extent.

God, you are still clueless. You want to go to therapy on the advise of some Fraus probably, but what you really want to know is all the good things YOU did for him. Could you be any more self absorbed? If you really want to go to therapy, you really need to get into all the BAD things you did to him and the relationship. That's why it's in trouble. All the things YOU did. The lying, manipulation, etc. And for fucks sake listen to what comes out of your own mouth, "it's possible he likes the open thing to an extent." that is not a glowing enthusiastic embrace of the open relationship idea. It's your way of not taking responsibility you pushed him into it and trying to gaslight him into thinking it's no big deal.

You are not wired for kids. Do NOT screw up their lives by pretending to be a parent.

You are past the point of enjoying even a polyamorous, fractional commitment to your long-term partner. Cut him free. He can find real happiness with someone else who is not so wired to constantly pursue fresh dick elsewhere.

No, I am not a hater. Just calling it like it is.

OP - which are you, total looks wise? out of 10

10?

8?

7, deluded he's a 9?

6, gussied up and groomed like an 8?

6, plain and simple, no delusions?

You're selfish and manipulative, OP, and you shouldn't be discussing having kids.

OP, have you ever asked your partner whether or not he agrees with all your fucking around? How it really makes him feel to be alone in the home, knowing you're doing God knows what with God knows who? Seriously. Have you even considered his feelings at all? I'm supposing that you never told him of your wanting to hook up with someone (s), and then ASKED him if he was okay with it. And what if he replied with the word No? You'd do it anyway, right?

Your reply a few posts upthread shows that you're still seeking to excuse yourself and your behavior. What's your zodiac sign? Haha

- R29

Please do all these people in your life a favor by being single for the first time in your adult life. I pity the people around your selfish, insufferable ass. Grow some damn balls, you whiny bitch.

OP, posts like yours really let me step back and appreciate my life.

OP I used to be pretty much like you as well. It took a lot of looking at myself and some therapy to figure out exactly what I should do. I am in a long term relationship with my partner as well. I met him when I was 22 and he was 25. We have been together going on 25 years this year. In the beginning I was always the one with the larger sexual appetite. And I always felt guilty when I did cheat. But the thing that I learned, which you still have to learn, is not to get emotionally involved with people outside of the relationship. Even though I played around a lot, I did have boundaries that helped me rationalize what I was doing - I never stayed overnight, I never had anyone in our bed, I rarely met anyone for anything other than sex. I never did anything that I thought would absolutely blowup my relationship. Emotional cheating, I felt, is much worse than physical. I mean sex was sex and I wasn't getting it from my partner, so I would step out and get it when I could, respectfully.

The question is do you love your partner? Sexual chemistry comes and goes, especially the more you get to know someone. My husband is a very attractive man. In the beginning actually, people questioned why in the world he was with me. But I stopped finding him sexually attractive. I know 100% that if he was a stranger I saw on the street today, I would be attracted to him. But so much time has passed and we have been through so much, so many struggles in life, that I am not attracted to him sexually. Most men aren't wired to be sexually turned on by the same person over a long period of time. And it's funny, Karl Lagerfeld said something one time that changed my way of thinking. He said he basically never has sex with his close partners. Sex is something animalistic and a one off type of thing he would have with this person or that. But is relationship with his partner was about sharing and building a life together.

I just know for myself that there is absolutely no other person other than my partner I would want to share my life with. He is my best friend and I would do anything for him and he would for me. Sex, especially as you get older, no longer defines a successful relationship. The strength of our bond over 25 years is unmatched by most, and is something I am very grateful for and proud of. We have been able to grow as people together and yes we have become different people than when we first met. But we have found ways to make these two new people work together. That is the hard work, that is the compromise. And you are very lucky to have partner who is so understanding of you. Extremely. I wouldn't just throw that away over your feelings. And leaving him for this new guy will be one of your biggest regrets. I would suggest you practice ending relationships, by ending the current one you have with this side piece.

OP, your husband sounds like a loser for choosing to remain with you.

R108 Karl Lagerfeld would have preferred to marry the cat, so I don't know if he is a good example.

I took what he said because he communicated something clearly that I was, up until that point, unable to communicate myself. He was able to express my own feelings at the time and have them make sense to me. Sometimes in relationships there are sexual desires, things you want to experience on your own, without your partner. Or just things you want to experience that you know your partner isn't into. Each person should be able to explore those things without feeling like they are cheating. And in LTRs, the goal is building a life together, sharing your life with a partner, not necessarily being in sexual syncopation for twenty five years. In my opinion, anyone who is turned on by the exact same thing over such a long period of time is of a very simple mind and hasn't grown as a human being.

OP, just listen to R108 and you will have a partner like this.

He was a worth 200 million dollars, beloved by the world and as his sidepiece you would have been the heir to a considerable part of his fortune. Not a bad way to go r108

I didn't mean his partner would be the rich guy, but the cat.

Having the bank accounts of either sound like life goals r114

Several people now have advised cutting the partner loose 'so he can find someone else who loves him'.

I think that's a dumb bit of advice, really. You should cut the partner loose so that they can be ALONE and process what the fuck they just went through, before ever hoping to find someone new. There is ZERO guarantee they will ever find anyone else, and that is something the OP seems to be aware of in his post at R15.

OP, nothing in what you said indicates you have BPD. Stop pathologizing yourself. You're going through a crisis and a reassessment of your priorities, you're very sexual and that can have a lot of complications when you're considering a relationship. This situation will unravel itself in time.

[quote] What I want to find out is what aspects of things I introduced to the relationship does he genuinely enjoy.

Yeah, this part is weird. OP wants to find out, in therapy, what his partner enjoys ... about OP.

Introduce your LTR boyfriend to your new boyfriend. It sounds like they are a better match than you are to either of them. You should never be in a relationship. Instead, get a place near your local bathhouse and hang out there.

R118 Right, so enough about ME, what do YOU think about me?

Also, I am likely the minority here, perhaps old fashioned, but there is something to be said for keeping your affairs quiet, to yourself. I think I understand and appreciate what may be stereotypically "French".... you are sexual, life is short, you are attracted to someone and you fuck others carefully, respectfully, and quietly. No need to run your peccadilloes up the flagpole. Have a little class.

R108 did you ever emotionally cheat on your partner?

^ I lusted in my heart once or twice

Hey everyone, update on this. I ended up telling my partner everything - I had discussed the affair with several friends and family who gave varying advice (from "do nothing and hopefully your feelings with the other guy will simmer to nothing/become a friendship" to "tell your boyfriend immediately"). After a heavy therapy session I couldn't deal with the guilt of being in the same room with him being so nice to me and told him everything. It has triggered a complete change that is scary - I have no interest in sex at the moment, with anyone whatsoever. I deleted most social media, hook up apps, blocked hookups on my phone. My partner still wants us to work on us and we're going to try therapy.

Another area where I hold guilt and confusion is that on that final day with the other guy, we had a normal lunch, no overt flirting, and there were glimmers of how a friendship could work. But I guess having felt so strongly up until that day meant it had already gone too far? Part of me feels I trashed a friendship. At the same time, for the past few weeks we had repeatedly been making each other cry - him when he found out the extent of me sleeping with other guys, and me when he went on dates or almost tested my interest in him (leading to me showering him in compliments, which upset me even more to do, knowing we wouldn't work).

Looking back though, I met this guy late September, and by early October I had already told one of my friends I was worried at how intense we were with each other, and how I was losing sleep anytime the guy went cold or quiet. Was I getting addicted because of the uncertainty, and the chase? I did repeatedly say we would try just be friends, and as much as he wanted that, he often said the word 'friend' triggered him because it felt like a consolation prize for me not being attracted to him or something. I'm completely thrown. He wants me to email him in a few weeks to let him know how I'm doing - no contact is so tough.

Don’t worry, OP, you’ll get older and wiser and learn to shut the fuck up. Until then, check out on Reddit r/imthemaincharacter

if I were you, OP, I'd make a last, major effort to make my primary relationship work. Go into couples counselling, stop seeing other people. The put a time limit on it, between 6 months and a year. If you are still unhappy, and have not made any progress, then leave. But also put a time limit before entering a new relationship until you think you can do it and think that is what you want.

Protect your investment, hedge your bets.

Step away from this kind of relationship and look at yourself a little more closely, OP.

Being a part of a thirty year relationship, and I say this for once without judgment, gay men here at DL and in the world frequently don’t understand that long term relationships are a lot of work, and that includes other long term relationships like family and friends. Gay men have a lot of understandable ✨emotional damage✨ thrust upon us by an extremely anti gay society and that takes a huge toll on us. We never can truly learn, and instinctually frequently reject straight social and sexual mores as a way of rebellion and that can cause a lot of trauma and stress.

As far as this relationship goes, it’s only salvageable if the OP wants it to be and wants to continue it. It sounds to me as if it’s over, but not necessarily. OP may be a life long single guy who gets in and out of relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is lying to your partner about your commitment and loyalty. That’s morally and ethically terrible and OP should be able to muster the empathy to understand that and finish the relationship if need be. Also with the understanding that there will be consequences for his actions including and up to the current partner rejecting him and loathing him forever.

Good luck.

You probably have no sex drive because you're miserable right now. Not rocket science. the "other guy" may be being polite and if you guys have been crying, most likely he didn't know how to back out of the relationship gracefully. "Email me in a few weeks" = "don't get in touch with me again". You need to see if you can make the primary relationship work and forget about the other guy. If you can't do that then all the therapy in the world won't fix the primary relationship.

There's the 80 / 20 principle re: relationships.

Your partner is probably giving you 80% of what you want in a relationship. You start taking that for granted.

You seek out that other 20% from another person. You find a person who fulfills that 20% and feel 100% fulfilled. Therefore, you want to leave your partner and be with this 20% person (thinking that you'll feel 100% fulfilled).

Because you've taken your partner for granted, you forget that he is giving you 80% of what you want.

You move on to the 20% person and realize you're missing that other 80%.

Hang in there OP. Good luck.

What's really funny about this (to me) is that the OP assumes that, whatever he does, his partner will stay with him.

I wouldn't assume that if I were you, OP. Your partner knows what you've been up to. Doubtless he's done some growing up too. It's possible that, while you think you have the upper hand and you're considering your options, he's having second thoughts that he's not sharing with you. He may meet some nice guy who really loves and wants him, and you'll come home one day, and he'll be leaving for that guy's house with a suitcase.

And in case you're wondering, yes -- that was me. You could have knocked my (now) ex over with a feather when I had someone else lined up. I was tired of being taken for granted and, for want of a better way to put it, I "manned up" and got the fuck out.

Now, THAT would be karma.

I have seen this story a million times and j guarantee that in the end, the OP is going to end up alone.

R129, that's a very logical, intelligent addition to the discussion. Agreed.

Hello there, OP. Nice of you to come back and let us know of the progression re your situation. How is your partner doing in all this? Tell him that we all say "Hello" here at DL.

- R29

Eddie Murphy in Boomerang is "karma" better known as what goes around....

Thanks guys for your responses. In revisiting things that happened with the other guy, we seemed to be torturing each other from very early on. He had alot of other guys around him who he insisted were 'just friends' but weird things happened (they would cuddle alot, one would fly into a rage and take his phone from him when he text other guys) and they were around to boost his self esteem. I might have just been another one of those, and I'm under no illusion that we would ever have worked as a couple in any long term sense.

R133, he is doing ok and says he feels optimistic about us. We have been closer since, but he is also going into therapy for the first time. R131, I agree with you - I think at the moment he hasn't processed everything. He's focusing entirely on the affair and nothing that led up to it. I hope therapy lends him perspective. Currently I feel like the villain, but his reactions so far have been entirely not like that. It's not that I need him to explode with anger, but I worry that he internalises everything.

Don't forget that a large part of what makes the other guy you just met attractive is that there are no strings attached. This will inevitably change once you pick him over your long term partner. Give it some more time, but maybe it's time for.an organised threeway relationship. But also: Don't lose the good on search for the better.

I know this is completely off topic, but how can you get to be an adult in your 30s and not know it's spelled "a lot," not "alot"?

It's not what YOU should do, it's what your parters should do - and that's kick your ass to the curb.

R137, other guy is already out of the picture. We dropped everything - we were making each other crazy.

Still with the partner, OP?

OP will end up alone bitter and used up and then wonder how it happened. 🤪