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Help, I stole a turkey!

Help, I just stole a turkey! And I'm a little drunk.

I've never stolen anything before in my life. I'm terrified someone saw me and will call the police. I keep waiting for the sirens and flashing lights, but I'm also worried that if the police come they may park far away from my house and not use their sirens to catch me unawares.

I have 8-11 guests arriving at my home for Thanksgiving dinner, many traveling from out of town. I really need to impress.

I had been working on my turkey for days--defrosting, seasoning, basting, looking up recipes. Well, I was having a few cocktails in the kitchen and set the oven a few hundred degrees too high and put it on broil instead of bake. As you can imagine, my turkey caught fire! I had to toss it in the yard behind the trees.

It's dark out, so no one seemed to notice. Then, I saw my neighbors' house. I could see the neighbor wife in the kitchen because they never close the curtain. She was basting the most beautiful large turkey. It looked perfectly cooked! I know they never lock their doors, so I waited until they turned off the lights, then I crept into the neighbors' yard, entered through their sliding-glass kitchen back door, and I STOLE the turkey my neighbors' had cooked.

It's a beautiful turkey! Likely, it will be the best I've ever served. Is there anything I should be doing to make sure I can pull this off and get away with it? How soon before I know if I'm in the clear? What do I say if my neighbors happen to mention that their turkey was stolen from their kitchen? If I'm lucky, they will blame each other, and never suspect me.

I'm starting to feel really guilty, since I realize I could have likely just bought another turkey at Walmart or served chicken. I'm really tempted to try to sneak back into my neighbors' house to return the turkey.

Any advice you could offer would be appreciated! What should I do?

by Anonymousreply 26November 25, 2021 2:24 PM

How large is this turkey and how many do you plan on serving?

by Anonymousreply 1November 25, 2021 10:00 AM

Are the giblets included? Is the bird stuffed? If so, what kind of stuffing is inside?

by Anonymousreply 2November 25, 2021 10:03 AM

“Any advice you could offer would be appreciated!”

Like that turkey, you need to get stuffed—HARD!!

by Anonymousreply 3November 25, 2021 10:05 AM

If I don’t wear a dickie to the grocery store, people always think I’m stealing a turkey neck.

by Anonymousreply 4November 25, 2021 10:13 AM

I've never heard of cooking the turkey the day before Thanksgiving and leaving it out over night.

by Anonymousreply 5November 25, 2021 10:14 AM

Does the turkey resemble Paulina Porizkova?

by Anonymousreply 6November 25, 2021 10:21 AM

No one, but no one, leaves their back door unlocked at night these days, OP. You’ve just proved your whole story is a fiction.

by Anonymousreply 7November 25, 2021 10:22 AM

next season on Mare of Easttown

by Anonymousreply 8November 25, 2021 10:39 AM

Look, R7, I don't care if you believe me or not. I have bigger problems at the moment. The turkey is starting to talk to me as I sober up. I'm starting to worry this "turkey" I've stolen might actually be the neighbor's child.

by Anonymousreply 9November 25, 2021 10:41 AM

-999/10

Just die in a grease fire, OP.

by Anonymousreply 10November 25, 2021 10:41 AM

This never happened, but it reminds me that the best turkey my mom ever made was one she had in the oven when the oven went haywire and went to full heat in the middle of roasting. She caught it before it burned, turned the oven off and used the residual heat to finish up the bird, it was delicious. Crispy!

by Anonymousreply 11November 25, 2021 11:04 AM

Can you string a clothes line to their kitchen window using pulleys to return the bird? Dead of night is essential.

by Anonymousreply 12November 25, 2021 11:33 AM

[quote] Can you string a clothes line to their kitchen window using pulleys to return the bird?

At this point we’re not sure if it’s their bird or their child!

by Anonymousreply 13November 25, 2021 11:41 AM

[quote] If I don’t wear a dickie to the grocery store,

I did that once and damn near got myself arrested.

Granted, we may be talking about two different things.

by Anonymousreply 14November 25, 2021 11:42 AM

Two gobbles up, OP. I've enjoyed your caper.

To quote the greatest actor of his generation, "if you don't shut that turkey up, I'm going to fuck it."

Happy Thanksgiving!

by Anonymousreply 15November 25, 2021 11:49 AM

This is no "Help! My trick stole my best M Alexander Doll!" now, is it?

by Anonymousreply 16November 25, 2021 11:52 AM

[quote] set the oven a few hundred degrees too high and put it on broil instead of bake. As you can imagine, my turkey caught fire!

[quote] I could see the neighbor wife in the kitchen because they never close the curtain. She was basting the most beautiful large turkey. It looked perfectly cooked! I waited until they turned off the lights, then I crept into the neighbors' yard, entered through their sliding-glass kitchen back door, and I STOLE the turkey my neighbors' had cooked.

Ahem! Not without my help, you failed to mention.

by Anonymousreply 17November 25, 2021 12:00 PM

Have the police arrived yet?

by Anonymousreply 18November 25, 2021 12:29 PM

Repent sinner!

by Anonymousreply 19November 25, 2021 12:31 PM

For all who accused me of lying, this is the horror I'm dealing with, even now. I can't drink this away, nor can I serve it to my guests. See the photograph below.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 20November 25, 2021 12:37 PM

This sounds like an O. Henry story, OP. The best part will be when the neighbors show up at your place hungry peering in your doorway and see that you are serving the turkey you stole from them.

by Anonymousreply 21November 25, 2021 12:38 PM

“Any advice you could offer would be appreciated!” OP, this is the DL. We don't go for booze and dope. I mean, I do, but the site doesn't. We were finished with you before you began.

by Anonymousreply 22November 25, 2021 1:35 PM

I stole a TV !

by Anonymousreply 23November 25, 2021 1:49 PM

Oh you stole a turkey, OP? Get back to me when you steal the show in every goddamned turkey you were ever in, and we'll talk. Now get outta my way, I got a man waitin' for me.

by Anonymousreply 24November 25, 2021 2:20 PM

I hope you're playing this in the background.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 25November 25, 2021 2:22 PM

LOL!!!! R24

by Anonymousreply 26November 25, 2021 2:24 PM
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